E142: Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship

Podcast Summary

• The Impact of Early Life on Ambitions and Control: Our childhood experiences, including financial instability and feelings of insecurity, can shape our desire for control and ambition as we strive to differentiate ourselves and overcome life's challenges.

  Early life experiences can often shape our ambitions and drive for control. Matthew's childhood financial instability fueled his desire for control over his situation, leading him to speak forcefully about his goals and aspirations. Despite feeling insecure and wanting to feel special, Matthew became obsessed with control and the need to differentiate himself from the norm. This drive for control and ambition stemmed from his fear of being at the mercy of life's challenges. Additionally, Matthew's relationships with women in his early years were marked by shyness but a strong desire to be liked and close to others. Overall, this conversation highlights the influence of past experiences on individual motivations and ambitions.

• The Power of Self-Development in Relationships and Opportunities: By investing in self-improvement, we can enhance our interactions, open up new possibilities, and discover the importance of confidence in pursuing relationships. External recognition may not guarantee fulfillment.

  Self-development can have a profound impact on our relationships and opportunities in life. Matthew Hussey shared his experience of feeling confident and outgoing with people he didn't find attractive but freezing up when it came to someone he was interested in. This realization led him on a journey of self-improvement, starting with reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People." He discovered that learning social skills beyond what school taught could greatly enhance his interactions and open up new possibilities. This journey also highlighted the importance of confidence in pursuing relationships. Furthermore, the conversation emphasizes that external recognition and admiration, although initially satisfying, cannot guarantee fulfillment and can lead to a sense of disconnection.

• Finding Happiness and Contentment through Self-Awareness: By identifying the small things that bring joy and creating a formula to tap into those emotions, individuals can maintain a sense of fulfillment and reconnect with happiness, even in the face of challenges.

  Finding meaningful, practical ways to reconnect with happiness and contentment requires self-awareness and conscious effort. Matthew Hussey emphasizes the danger of constantly comparing oneself to others and always wanting more, as it leads to feeling disconnected from any achieved success or happiness. To counteract this, he suggests identifying the simple things that bring joy and writing them down. By pausing and reflecting on the chain of thoughts, emotions, and actions that lead to moments of peace or happiness, one can create a formula, or emotional buttons, to return to that state. These triggers can be anything that personally resonates, such as a specific YouTube video or someone's perspective. By actively engaging with these emotional buttons, individuals can more easily tap into their desired emotions and maintain a sense of fulfillment, despite life's challenges.

• Importance of Connection and Alignment for a Fulfilling Life: Prioritize inner connection and alignment with your true self to live a more fulfilling life, avoiding distractions and temptations that lead to disconnection.

  Being connected is crucial in living a fulfilled life. Matthew Hussey shares his experience of feeling disconnected despite achieving success and fame. He emphasizes the importance of finding meaning and purpose in what we do, whether it's having a conversation with a friend, pursuing a hobby, or engaging in work. He suggests identifying our emotional buttons and regularly reminding ourselves of what truly matters to us. Steven Bartlett adds that many people fall out of alignment when they prioritize external factors like money, recognition, or societal expectations over their personal fulfillment. He urges listeners to evaluate whether their current path aligns with their true selves and to avoid getting dragged away by temptations or distractions. Overall, the key takeaway is to prioritize inner connection and alignment in order to live a more fulfilling life.

• The Power of Personal Responsibility: Taking personal responsibility allows us to have control over our actions, fosters personal growth, and creates a positive outlook on life.

  Personal responsibility plays a significant role in the positivity of our outcomes in various aspects of life, including dating, business, and everything in between. Taking personal responsibility means looking in the mirror and asking ourselves what role we have played in a situation. It involves acknowledging our faults and mistakes, even if they seem minor or if others are involved. By doing so, we become more likable individuals, as it shows humility and a willingness to learn and grow. Instead of blaming others or external circumstances, taking personal responsibility empowers us to have control over our actions and make positive changes. It allows us to find passion and excitement within our current circumstances rather than constantly seeking it elsewhere.

• Taking Ownership of Our Lives: By taking ownership of our emotions and reactions, we can improve our chances of finding solutions and growing, regardless of our circumstances.

  Taking extreme ownership doesn't mean blaming ourselves for everything that happens in our lives. It means recognizing that we have the power to take responsibility for how we respond and handle difficult situations. We don't have control over everything that happens to us, and it's not our fault. However, by taking ownership of our emotions and reactions, we can have a better chance at improving and finding solutions. It's important to differentiate ownership from fault, as they are not the same. We should strive to be like a skilled chef who can create something amazing with whatever ingredients they have, rather than focusing on the quality of the ingredients themselves. Being a great chef, or taking ownership of our lives, is a continuous journey of growth and adaptation, regardless of our circumstances.

• Making the Best of What We Have: Embrace your unique circumstances, utilize your strengths, and appreciate the lessons learned on your journey to create something amazing in life.

  Everyone starts with a different set of ingredients in life. We may have inadequate or inferior circumstances compared to others, but that doesn't mean we can't create something amazing with what we have. Taking pride in making the best out of our situation is crucial. Privilege plays a role in this analogy as well, as our circumstances and opportunities are part of our ingredient basket. However, it's important not to compare ourselves to those with completely different baskets. Our sharp minds and pattern recognition skills are like winning the lottery and can be powerful tools for success. Ultimately, it's about accepting where we are and making the most out of our current circumstances while appreciating the lessons we've learned along the way.

• The Value of Learning from Trauma: Facing and learning from our traumatic experiences can result in personal growth and equip us with the skills to handle future challenges.

  Trauma, although painful, often carries valuable lessons that we need to learn. Erasing traumatic experiences may seem tempting to avoid the pain, but it also means losing the wisdom gained from those experiences. Some trauma is the result of necessary lessons that life needs to teach us. If we remove those lessons, we may have to go through the same pain again in the future. Additionally, even if the trauma is not directly related to a specific lesson, it can be the catalyst for learning something essential for our future experiences. This conversation reminds us that facing and learning from our traumas can lead to personal growth and the ability to cope with similar challenges in the future.

• Chronic Pain: Increased Empathy and Humility: Chronic pain can lead to greater understanding and empathy for others experiencing physical and emotional pain, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and managing emotional well-being to prevent further health issues.

  Chronic pain can lead to increased empathy and humility. Matthew Hussey explains that going through trauma and dealing with chronic pain has made him more understanding of others who experience physical and emotional pain. He emphasizes that chronic conditions cannot simply be "made to go away," and this has humbled him deeply. Additionally, he shares how he has learned to manage his pain by focusing on the emotional aspect and practicing self-compassion. Steven Bartlett points out that while not everyone may relate to the specific experience of chronic pain, many can understand how out-of-control emotions can affect their overall well-being. This conversation highlights the importance of finding ways to control stress and emotional responses to maintain a sense of peace and prevent further health issues.

• Personal Criteria for Happiness and Fulfillment: True happiness and fulfillment can be achieved by prioritizing personal criteria such as creating, moving, learning, connecting, appreciating, and contributing, and embracing genuine vulnerability in relationships.

  Happiness and fulfillment in life can be achieved by focusing on and meeting our own personal criteria. These criteria, such as creating, moving, learning, connecting, appreciating, and contributing, serve as a formula for happiness. It is not about achieving external success or meeting societal expectations, but rather about meeting the basic needs that bring personal contentment. By simplifying our lives and prioritizing these fundamental aspects, we can find true happiness and liberation from unnecessary stress. Additionally, the conversation highlights the importance of genuine vulnerability in relationships. It is about expressing our true selves, even if it means risking rejection or challenging societal norms. True vulnerability brings true connection and allows us to love in a more authentic and fulfilling way.

• Balancing vulnerability in relationships with caution and authenticity.: Vulnerability in relationships is important, but it should be introduced gradually and authentically, not by sharing deep wounds right away. Trust can be built by paying genuine compliments to show emotional trust.

  Being vulnerable is important in relationships, but it should be done in a balanced and authentic way. Matthew Hussey explains that many men have been conditioned to hide their vulnerabilities and be the "caricatured alpha male" because they believe that's what women want. However, this mindset can lead to attracting the wrong kind of people who value superficial qualities. Matthew suggests that vulnerability should be introduced gradually and not by sharing deep wounds right away. It can be as simple as paying someone a genuine compliment, which shows that you trust them with power over your emotions. True connection in relationships requires a level of vulnerability, but it should be approached with caution and authenticity.

• Nurturing Vulnerability in Relationships: Embrace vulnerability in relationships by accepting each other's flaws and passions, focusing on alignment rather than trying to change someone, for a healthier and more fulfilling connection.

  Vulnerability is an important aspect of building a connection with someone, but it should be approached with caution. Vulnerability involves expressing passions and acknowledging insecurities, but it should not involve self-disparagement or trying to fix someone. In relationships, it is crucial to accept the person as they are and not enter the relationship hoping they will change. Trying to fix someone can be emasculating and lead to dissatisfaction. It is important to choose a partner based on alignment and be at peace with who they are in the present moment. Building an authentic connection from the start and communicating openly about concerns can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

• Understanding Differences and Building Deeper Connections in Relationships: Taking the time to understand and appreciate differences can lead to stronger bonds and help avoid missing out on great relationships. Consider past experiences and weigh options when making long-term commitments.

  In relationships, it is important to understand and appreciate the differences between partners. Instead of immediately judging or dismissing someone for their interests or actions, taking the time to be curious and understand their perspective can lead to deeper connections. It's easy to overlook the similarities that may exist beneath the surface, even if the outward expressions of values and desires seem different. Many people miss out on great relationships because they hastily judge based on differences without seeking to understand the underlying connections. Additionally, when considering long-term commitments, it's important to weigh the pros and cons of different options and reflect on past experiences to make informed decisions.

• Building a Meaningful Relationship Through Effort and Self-Work.: Finding "the one" is not about waiting for the perfect person, but about actively investing in ourselves and the relationship, fostering growth and commitment.

  Finding a meaningful, long-term relationship requires effort and self-work. It's important to dispense with the idea that there is only one perfect person for us, like the concept of "the one." Instead, someone becomes "the one" through the building and growth of the relationship. Both individuals need to have the right raw materials, but ultimately, it is the commitment, effort, and willingness to go the distance that makes someone "the one." Timing can be a factor, but it's largely about being ready to receive and invest in a meaningful connection. It's not about waiting for the perfect person, but about actively working on ourselves and the relationship.

• Embracing the Journey of Decision-Making and Relationship Building: Choosing the "right" person or decision is not the ultimate goal; it's about embracing growth, commitment, and the journey that comes with making choices and forming meaningful relationships.

  Our fear of making the wrong decisions and our desire for permanence can often prevent us from fully experiencing life and forming meaningful relationships. Matthew Hussey emphasizes that there isn't just one person meant for us, and a successful long-term relationship requires hard work and commitment. He also reflects on his own struggle with the idea of permanence and how it hindered his ability to enjoy things in life. Steven Bartlett adds that relationships and experiences evolve over time, and our fear of mortality can drive us to try and cram too much into our lives, causing indecisiveness and anxiety. Ultimately, the key takeaway is that there is no one right answer or perfect choice, and we should embrace the journey and growth that comes with making decisions and forming relationships.

• Embracing the Power of Settling: Settling is not a negative choice, but rather a conscious decision to invest in and make the most of what we have, leading to opportunities and personal growth.

  Settling on something shouldn't be seen as a negative or weak choice. Instead of demonizing the word "settling," it's about making a conscious decision to focus and invest in something to make it extraordinary. Settling on means acknowledging that there may be other options, but choosing to make the most of what you have or where you are. When we settle on something, whether it's a person, a place, or a job, and commit to making it the best it can be, we open ourselves up to opportunities and enjoyment. It's about investing differently and consciously in what we have, rather than constantly seeking a perceived perfect state elsewhere. Vulnerability, honesty, and containing ego are also crucial elements in relationships and personal growth.

• The Power of Vulnerability in Connecting and Growing: Embracing vulnerability allows for genuine connections, dissolution of limiting beliefs, and fostering trust, leading to personal growth and improved mental well-being.

  Vulnerability is a powerful catalyst for growth and positive change in one's life. Steven Bartlett attributes the success of his podcast to his willingness to open up about personal struggles, which resonates with listeners. Both Steven and Matthew Hussey agree that vulnerability allows for genuine connections and acts of kindness that can dissolve limiting beliefs and foster trust. Matthew acknowledges that his dark side, characterized by suspicion and mistrust, hindered his ability to fully embrace vulnerability. However, through real friendships and experiences of receiving unconditional support, he learned to let go of these limiting beliefs and embrace trust in others. This conversation underscores the importance of vulnerability in forming meaningful connections and fostering mental well-being.