Escaping Perfectionism

Our society's obsession with appearance and achievement, fueled by social media and filtered images of perfection, can lead to feelings of inferiority, shame, and resentment. The stark contrast between the lives we see portrayed and our own messy realities can burrow into our unconscious minds. This can cause us to constantly strive for the next achievement, the next milestone, believing that it will bring us happiness and acceptance. However, as F Scott Fitzgerald's character Jay Gatsby learned, this pursuit of perfection can be costly and ultimately unsatisfying. It is important to recognize the influence of societal pressures and focus on finding contentment and self-acceptance in our own unique journeys, rather than continually comparing ourselves to unrealistic ideals.

Thomas Curran's drive and ambition to overcome his humble background led him down a path of excessive striving and perfectionism. He grew up longing for material possessions and feeling inadequate compared to his peers. This fueled his determination to succeed academically and professionally, becoming the first in his family to go to college and achieving prominence in his field. However, this success came at a cost. He constantly pushed himself to extreme measures, working long hours and obsessing over his achievements. Despite achieving recognition and prestigious opportunities, he couldn't shake his feelings of inadequacy and not fitting in. This serves as a reminder that a relentless pursuit of success can come with emotional and mental tolls, and true fulfillment should be found beyond external validation.

Even when we achieve success and recognition, our feelings of inferiority and self-doubt can persist. Thomas Curran's experience at the TED talk highlighted how he constantly felt out of place and questioned his own worth, despite being on stage and delivering a flawless talk. This demonstrates that external validation may not be enough to overcome our inner insecurities. Additionally, Thomas' anxieties and self-criticism reached a peak after a messy breakup, further highlighting how personal setbacks can amplify our negative beliefs about ourselves. The key takeaway here is that truly addressing and dealing with our emotional well-being is crucial, as success and external achievements alone cannot fill the void of self-worth and validation.

Our relentless pursuit of achievement and excellence can come at a great expense for our mental health. Thomas Curran's personal experience with panic attacks serves as a stark reminder that suppressing anxiety, self-doubt, and the need to constantly prove ourselves can lead to harmful consequences. This phenomenon is not unique to Thomas, but rather, it is all too common in our modern world. Thomas's student, John, exemplifies this intense need to excel, constantly feeling like his high grades are never good enough. It is crucial for us to recognize the importance of balancing our drive for success with self-compassion, acknowledging our achievements, and reframing our successes in a healthier way.

Perfectionism is on the rise among young people and is associated with negative mental health outcomes. Perfectionism is not just about setting high standards and working hard, but rather about avoiding failure and seeking validation. It stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and the belief that one must be perfect to be valued. Despite its negative effects on mental well-being, perfectionism is often celebrated and seen as a desirable trait. This societal glorification of perfectionism has led to its overuse as a cliché in job interviews. Ultimately, we need to recognize the harmful impact of perfectionism and shift our focus towards self-acceptance and realistic standards.

Perfectionism is driven by a fear of failure rather than a pursuit of success. Perfectionists have high standards and are highly conscientious, but their internal drive stems from a need for validation and a fear of not being good enough. When faced with stressful situations or adversity, perfectionists experience intense self-conscious emotions like shame and guilt if they perceive themselves as having failed. They engage in brooding and rumination, constantly revisiting past mistakes and worrying about future ones. Perfectionists work extremely hard but often neglect the importance of working smartly, resulting in diminishing returns and a sense of never feeling like they've made it. Ultimately, perfectionism becomes a self-preservation mechanism, as perfectionists strive to avoid any potential failures or slip-ups.

Perfectionism can lead individuals to withhold effort and sabotage their own performance. When faced with failure, perfectionists may choose to put less effort into subsequent attempts to avoid the intense feelings of shame and embarrassment. This self-sabotaging behavior not only hinders their performance but also limits their growth and potential success. Moreover, perfectionism can manifest in different ways, such as self-oriented perfectionism, where individuals subject themselves to harsh criticism and self-loathing. This mindset may prevent them from taking risks or trying new things, ultimately hindering their personal and professional development. It is important to prioritize conscientiousness and diligence but not be consumed by the pursuit of perfection.

There are different types of perfectionism, including self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed. Self-oriented perfectionists hold themselves to intense expectations, often leading to self-loathing and a lack of self-compassion. Other-oriented perfectionists project their desire for perfection onto others and expect them to be faultless. These individuals tend to be brash and critical when things do not go according to plan. Socially prescribed perfectionists feel pressured by external expectations and believe that everyone around them expects perfection. This form of perfectionism can be extremely challenging, as individuals feel the need to constantly appear flawless. It is important to recognize the different types of perfectionism and the negative effects they can have on individuals' mental health and relationships.

Socially prescribed Perfectionism is on the rise and is strongly correlated with negative mental health outcomes such as anxiety, depression, low mood, hopelessness, and helplessness. This rise is fueled by multiple factors, including social media's constant comparative lens, unrelenting pressures to excel in education and the workplace, and changing parenting practices. While Perfectionism may have led some individuals to success, it often comes at a high cost. Despite external appearances, many perfectionists sacrifice personal relationships, stability, and a sense of purpose for their relentless pursuit of perfection. Therefore, it's important to recognize the potential harmful effects of Perfectionism and strive for a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Perfectionism comes with a heavy cost, both emotionally and creatively. While some successful individuals may find it worth it, there is plenty of evidence that we can achieve just as much, if not more, without carrying the burden of Perfectionism. Margaret Atwood serves as a prime example, as she has been incredibly productive and successful without being a perfectionist. In fact, it may even be easier to get things done when we let go of perfectionism. Perfectionism stifles creativity and prevents us from putting ourselves out there. Embracing the "good enough" mentality, as suggested by Donald Winnicott, can lead to happier, well-adjusted individuals who can handle setbacks and find purpose in life. Ultimately, there are steps we can take as individuals to reduce the harmful effects of Perfectionism.

Perfectionism involves rigid and unrealistic thinking, where we believe we must perform flawlessly or everything will fall apart. When these intrusive thoughts arise, it's important to write them down, reflect on their realism and achievability, and question if they are truly necessary. Often, when we sit down and reflect, we realize that the consequences of not achieving perfection are not as catastrophic as we feared. Instead of viewing our work and accomplishments as extensions of ourselves, we can make our work the focus and find fulfillment in the process itself. The example of a master craftsman, like the author's grandfather, teaches us that high standards don't have to come with insecurity. Perfectionism is about perfecting our imperfect selves, while striving for good enough allows us to find pride and accomplishment in creating something greater than ourselves.

Feeling heard doesn't always require changing someone's mind. Julia Minson's story of advocating for an experimental treatment for her mother's lung cancer, despite the skepticism of her mother's physician, Dr. Charlotte Jacobs, is a powerful example. Even though Dr. Jacobs ultimately rejected the idea, Julia still felt heard because her suggestion was taken seriously and discussed by a group of top oncologists. This serves as a reminder that engaging in open and respectful dialogue, listening to opposing views, and considering them thoughtfully can make someone feel validated and heard, even if a consensus is not reached. It highlights the importance of receptiveness to opposing views and the impact it can have on individuals.