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    • The weight of others' opinions in replaying conversationsReplaying conversations is driven by the desire for acceptance, influenced by insecurity and inadequacy. Recognizing this common behavior and its motivations can assist in overcoming rumination.

      Replaying conversations is a common phenomenon, especially in our twenties. It's not necessarily about the content of the conversation, but rather the weight we give to other people's opinions of us. This stems from our deep desire to be accepted and can be influenced by feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Our brains tend to hold onto these conversations, even the insignificant ones, at the same level of importance as more significant interactions. This causes confusion and rumination, where we repeatedly think about past experiences, especially the negative aspects. Breaking free from this mental maze can be challenging, but recognizing that this behavior is common and understanding its underlying motivations can help in finding ways to overcome it.

    • The Benefits and Drawbacks of Rumination in Social InteractionsRumination can provide emotional regulation and a sense of control, but it can also limit cognitive capacity and hinder personal authenticity. Others' opinions are not our concern, and impressing others is not as important as being true to ourselves.

      Rumination, or the constant replaying of conversations and social interactions in our minds, serves as a way for us to emotionally regulate ourselves. It may seem counterintuitive, but rumination actually dulls the importance of these interactions and allows us to feel more comfortable with our thoughts and reflections. It provides an illusion of control, making us feel prepared for future situations and giving us a sense of predictability. However, this preoccupation with others' opinions and the fear of social embarrassment can hold us back and limit our cognitive capacity. We need to remind ourselves that their thoughts are not our problem or our business, and that authenticity is more valuable than the need to impress others. Ultimately, it doesn't matter as much as we think it does.

    • Letting go of overthinking and replaying social interactionsReplay conversations less, as people's memories are short and they are more focused on themselves. Overthinking stems from a fear of social exclusion and a desire for closeness.

      We shouldn't hold on to every regretful conversation or embarrassing moment because we have thousands of interactions that won't always be perfect. People's memories are shorter than we think, and they are usually more focused on themselves than analyzing our behavior. The need to care and overthink small moments stems from our innate desire for closeness and fear of social exclusion. Rejection sensitivity, dysphoria, and social anxiety play a role in our chronic overthinking and replaying of social interactions. We tend to pick up on cues of potential rejection and replay conversations in search of hidden flaws. Our anxiety often comes from our intelligence and perfectionism, leading us to spend excessive time in our own heads. This hyper vigilance towards social situations can lead to rumination and avoidance, as we fear the consequences of being perceived negatively. Ultimately, replaying conversations is a way to provide security and correct our mistakes, but it's important to recognize that not everything holds the same importance, and we shouldn't let embarrassing moments define us.

    • Breaking free from overthinking and embracing self-confidenceBy putting our worries into perspective and focusing on personal growth and relationships, we can overcome the tendency to overanalyze past interactions and minimize unnecessary anxiety.

      We tend to hold onto small moments and overthink our past conversations and social interactions. However, it is crucial to recognize that these memories often have a bigger impact on us than they do on others. To break free from this cycle of rumination, we can put things into perspective by leaning into the "what if" and following the thought process through its natural conclusion. By doing so, we often realize that our fears and anxieties are irrational and unlikely to occur. Instead of focusing on others' opinions, we should work on increasing our confidence, valuing our own company, and strengthening our friendships. It is important to remember that one awkward moment does not define our entire lives and catastrophizing is unnecessary.

    • Embracing Authenticity and Peace: Freeing Ourselves from Others' OpinionsChoose to prioritize authenticity and peace, set behavioral intentions, detach emotionally from others' opinions, and engage in positive outlets and physical activities to overcome stress and negative judgments.

      We should value our own authenticity and peace over what others think of us. Setting behavioral intentions can help us change our habits and how we treat ourselves and others. When facing a potentially stressful situation, we can set the intention to behave as we truly want to, without worrying about others' opinions. It's important to remind ourselves that we are in control of our actions and choices. Instead of replaying conversations or ruminating, we can choose more valuable uses of our time. We can detach emotionally from others' opinions and channel our urge to replay conversations into positive outlets, like discussing them with a trusted person. Additionally, physical activities like exercise can help alleviate anxiety and provide a sense of progress and escape from potential negative judgments.

    • The Importance of Perspective and Letting Go of Social AnxietyWe often exaggerate how much others think about us, but in reality, people are more focused on themselves. Our embarrassing moments are fleeting, so there's no need to worry excessively.

      We tend to overestimate how much others focus on us and our actions. Our brains naturally prioritize our own actions and feelings, making us more critical of ourselves than others are of us. When we replay conversations in our heads, we often realize that we can't recall every detail, just like the other person. Recognizing this fact can help put things into perspective and free us from the spiral of social examination. Moreover, even if we do something embarrassing, it's important to remember that our memory is fallible and that embarrassment is temporary. In the grand scheme of things, our small moments of awkwardness are insignificant, and most people don't even remember them. Therefore, we don't need to worry excessively because everything is temporary.

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    Hey there, Alexa Z here! I am so excited and a little nervous because I have Sarah McLean, my meditation teacher, on the line. She is kind enough to take time out of her busy schedule to help me, help you demystify meditation, specifically the different types/brands of meditation.  

    I found Sarah after many years of meditating. I started meditating when I was 17 years old because I had terrible panic attacks. Meditation was a pill for me. I wish I could go back and start again; I would because now I know all the opportunities meditation has provided me, and I would have had a more consistent practice from the start. 

    Alexa: I want to welcome Sarah! Again, I am a little nervous and excited. This will be a fun back and forth conversation. I am also a bit jealous because I know you are in Santa Barbara, California, and the weather is a lot nicer than the rain, drizzle, and cold here in Annapolis, Maryland.  

    Sarah: Well, it is a bit like heaven on earth, sorry to make you jealous. Maybe we can practice Mudita, which is sympathetic joy, I hope you can feel happy for me, that I get to live in Santa Barbara after trying to convince my husband to move here for 17 years. It's great to be here, and Maryland is not too shabby. 

    Alexa: No, it isn't, and knowing that I can visit and take more classes at your new meditation center with you in Santa Barbara, makes me super happy. So let's, get right into it. Let's demystify meditation. The reason why this came to mind is that my students, clients, and even strangers come to me and say they have been studying meditation but have not started their practice. Typically, they say they are waiting for a particular time in there life to begin meditating or that they need to continue to learn about meditation before starting a practice. Sarah, what do you think about all of this. Why is it so confusing?

    Sarah: There are so many different types, categories of meditation 

    • Uses
    • Formal and informal
    • Religious, historical origin
    • Different names in other languages
    • Brand new/Brand names

    I'll share a little bit about my story and how I got into meditation. More importantly, how I realized I did not know anything about meditation.  

    Alexa: Oh, that's perfect!

    Sarah: When I was younger, I was in the military. I wanted to be a spy, but that didn't work out. I wanted to understand the mysteries of life. I did not become a spy; instead, I became a behavioral specialist; that's when I started to learn the mysteries of the mind. I worked with Soldiers who suffered from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders (PTSD). Back then, we used medication versus meditation. Luckily for me, I was introduced to a body awareness practice. I was sitting outside of a psychiatric hospital, where, unfortunately, that's where many Soldiers who were really suffering would end up. Our whole platoon was sitting out on the lawn when one of the male nurses introduced me to a body scan. He had us all laydown, and he guided us from our head to our toes, allowing us to relax. It was only about 10 minutes. In the end, I realized that I worked with very stressed Soldiers, and I didn't even realize the amount of stress I was carrying. That moment planted a seed in me. After I got out of the Army, I looked into contemplative practices. I spent a lot of time exploring world traditions, looking for the secrets of life. I was on my mountain bike for about nine months and bicycled half-way around the world. I kept looking for the answers. I found it when I was sitting in my room in Georgetown, Washington, D.C. I was on the top of a three-story of a brownstone, learning to meditate using a silent mantra practice, through Transcendental Meditation (TM). Again, there was a contrast on how I felt before I learned, and after I silently repeated a mantra that I had no idea what it meant. It was another "ah-ha" moment.

    A few months after that, I moved to a TM community. I answered the phones and discussed mind, body, health. I was working with Deepak Chopra, who, at the time, no one was familiar with. People were looking for alternative practices and alternative healing. Many people would seek our help because of health reasons such as chemotherapy didn't work, diagnosed with Parkinson's, or depressed. I would ask all who called, "do you meditate?" They would answer with, yes, while I am watching TV, driving to work, or in the shower. I would have to convince them all to learn to meditate because meditation was required to be in the TM community. In 1990, meditation was not a "buzz word." No one talked about mindfulness. People would come to the community, and I would teach them about meditation. Unfortunately, at the time, I thought there was only one way to meditate. Though I had that great experience with the body scan, I was still "drinking the kool-aid" on the brand name of TM. So even when someone told me they were Upasana, insight, or mindfulness, or a different type of meditation, I wouldn't give it much credit.  

    Alexa: I have known you for a long time, and I have heard all your stories, but it is so fun to listen to it in order; it's starting to make so much sense to me. I have a lot of military people in this town, and a lot of military people listen to my podcast. I want everyone to take note that Sarah started her journey with meditation in the Army. How long ago was that?

    Sarah: It was 1980/1981. It was only done by a rouge male nurse, who felt the need to take us aside and try the body awareness practice. Meditation was not mandated to be a part of our training.  

    Alexa: It still isn't mandated, but it is interesting that you initially thought you would become a spy, you ended up learning about body scans. A lot of meditators feel that we can't be a meditator unless I do what Sarah does, go all those places, learn all those things. You taught me through your experiences that I can learn, and I don't have to live in an ashram for years. I am really grateful for that!

    Sarah: You are welcome!

    Alexa: Thank you for doing all the learning for all of us. 

    Sarah: I wasn't the mainstream kind of gal, I didn't want just to get married and have kids, get a job, and retire. My motivation in life was, can I find out the mysteries of this existence? What is it that animates all of creation? I know I am a little weird, but that was what was right for me.  

    I have to fast-forward after working and being in the TM organization for years. I won't go into the whole story, as you can google it. Deepak Chopra and I got kicked out of TM. Getting kicked out of an organization tells me one thing, that is that it is exclusive, not inclusive. How can you get kicked out of a meditation organization?! Well, some ways are to change your guru, changing your job, or changes that some tell you not to, but you do it anyway. I am in good company, so is Deepak Chopra. There is also Ravi Shankar, who does the Art of Living program. Many have been "kicked out" of TM. That was a warning for me, how can TM be a great organization? TM practice is a great practice.

    After I left the TM organization, I went to California with Deepak in 1992/1993. We opened up a health center. He came up with his practice, which was also a silent practice that is not TM. Deepak's practice is called Primordial Sound Meditation. I started to learn that there are a variety of practices available and they all work. You can stare at the sky, a fire, etc. to use as your object of meditation. 

    There are so many types of meditation. 

    • Zen Buddist Tradition
      • paying attention to your breath
      • counting your breath
      • asking yourself questions that stopped the mind
    • walking meditation
    • imagination meditation

    Scientists are researching meditation. I have been a research subject in a few studies. Scientists have a hard time differentiating the different types of meditation. Here are a few ways that I categorize mediation:

    • Focus awareness/concentration meditation
    • Open awareness meditation- Advanced practices
    • Guided meditation
    • Imagery meditation

    When I was in India, I learned more about meditation.  

    • Guru
    • Eat, pray, love
    • Chanting
    • Devotion

    After India, I moved into a Zen Buddist Monastery. I wanted to give up the whole notion of devotion and move into emptiness.  

    I want to share the basics of meditation. You went into meditation because you wanted to get rid of your anxiety. I went into meditation because I had a very stressful childhood, and I also suffered from panic attacks. I wanted to feel that life mattered, I mattered, and a deep sense of love.  

    There are three basic ingredients to any type of meditation. 

    [Sarah discusses in detail the below]

    • Your intention
    • Attention
    • What you are paying attention to:
    • something you hear
      • sound-based meditation
    • something you see
      • visual-based meditation
    • something you sense
      • feeling/emotion
      • moving
      • stillness

    Alexa: My listeners might still be a little unsure of where to start. When you talked about focused awareness and open awareness; I compare it to a camera, am I zooming in or am taking a wide-angled, panorama picture. I want to go back to the three things that you taught me, going back to desire, non-judgemental attitude, and focus. Sarah, I started feeling over-whelmed when I didn't have a focus. When I read your book, Soul-centered: Transform your life in 8 weeks with meditation, before knowing you, you helped me simplify meditation. Thank God, science now says we have a body, a mind, and an energy system, and neuroplasticity does exist. Sarah, I am sure you will agree with me, when science proved that neuroplasticity exists, that's when meditation became popular. Sarah, what are your thoughts?

    Sarah: Meditation is not difficult, but you do have to set yourself up to succeed. When I was writing that book, I tried to deconstruct meditation. First off, you have to recognize that many people will say that you have to clear your mind to meditate. The minute I close my eyes, my default neuro network comes in, I start a monologue with myself, and I can't clear my mind. Instead of clearing your mind, you should interrupt the constant activity of the mind by paying attention to a particular object. Yoga is about the union of subject, object. 

    • Subject: You, your consciousness
    • Object: could be:
    • Breath
    • Body movement
    • Behavior
    • Saint
    • Quality of a Saint

    When I was writing that book, it was a ten-week program. Then this study came out about neuroplasticity, neuro meaning nervous system and the brain, and plasticity meaning plastic or flexibility. In 2012, neuroplasticity studies were showing that with meditation, the thickening of the cortex can happen. Meaning you develop new neuro-pathways, new connections that help you to navigate the world more skillfully. Meditation also changes other parts of your brain. Your amygdala, the reactivity center of the brain, lessens its dominance, so you become much more responsive as the executive function of the neocortex start to become more dominant. This all results in the amygdala, "fight or flight" response becomes less apparent. You gain space between stimulus and response. This shows up in meditation as a state, and overtime shows up as traits in the brain.  

    Meditation is a practice. Find the one you like. I used to be very militant due to my time in the military, and I used to think there is only one way to meditate. So, find a practice you like and get in a routine. The best thing to do is to start meditating as soon as you get up in the morning.  

    There are many studies on the different practices of meditation and their benefits. 

    • mindfulness practice - keeps you more engaged
    • Loving-kindness, gratitude practices - cultivate emotions
    • transcending mental activity - direct experience of YOU

    Alexa: If I decided that all this information makes sense and I want to start meditation when I get up tomorrow morning, what should I do?

    Sarah: 

    Gather yourself, welcoming everything, and resisting nothing. 

    Start with 1-2 minutes of mindfulness.

    • Sit down
    • Close your eyes
    • Set yourself up 
      • Turn your phone off
      • Turn music off 
    • Sit up
    • Close your eye or gaze towards your hands/floor
    • Pay attention/observe environment and body
      • Be in the being and not in the doing

    Then, Body Scan

    Choose a focus

    • Start with breath awareness
    • Relaxation Response
    • Refocus

    It's the nature of your mind to think. Your job is to bring your mind back to your focus. 

    [Meditation Practice]

    It does not matter how many times you have to refocus, be kind to yourself, and let go of expectations.  

    Lastly, be sure to determine how long you are going to meditate. 

    Alexa: I would like to wrap up by saying, yes, there are many types of meditation, but don't worry about it and don't feel like you have to learn them all. What Sarah and I say, "just get up and start meditating." The best thing about research is that you are your own best individual subject. Pick a practice, stick with it, and enjoy it. I used the definition of meditation that comes straight from Sarah, "meditation is a practice, it's old, it's new, it's modern, it's ancient, it's all of those things, but it is a training."

    Links:

    Sarah McLean Bio

    Sarah McLean Books

    Alexa Z Meditates

     

     

     

    Finding Peace, Joy, and Love this Holiday Season | Ep #21

    Finding Peace, Joy, and Love this Holiday Season | Ep #21

    Are you wondering how to deal with your anxiety this holiday season? In addition to the usual stressors, we’re still dealing the COVID epidemic and still have to distance ourselves from the ones we love. It’s not going to be easy! But I believe we can do it.

    In this episode, I share ideas for how we can all find peace, joy and love in our lives even during this tough time. Together, we walk through an easy three-step plan to find inner peace, explore specific ways to find joy, and I share a simple, new way to surround yourself with love.

    I wish you a wonderful holiday season and I hope these strategies will help bring you peace, joy and love!

    My book, Calm & Sense, is now available! Click here to get your copy now!

    You may also want to download these four panic-proofing techniques to help you manage your anxiety.

    Join me on Facebook and Instagram where I share words of wisdom and thoughts to help you live a less anxious life.

    © 2020 Wendy Leeds

    A Path To Inner Peace - It Is What It Is!

    A Path To Inner Peace - It Is What It Is!

    Years ago, I would hear the phrase "it is what it is," and I would think it meant the person saying it was losing hope and giving up.  But now I understand that the phrase is about acceptance, which can lead us to new beginnings - ones filled with new relationships, new opportunities, and new beautiful moments to experience. Acceptance is the springboard for hope and can lead to what is possibly the greatest peace we can feel in our hearts. I find this repeat episode very powerful to listen to often!

    E061 - Deidre Sirianni: How To Check Your Authenticity and Make A Shift

    E061 - Deidre Sirianni: How To Check Your Authenticity and Make A Shift

    From Deidre you will definitively sense an amazing energy and get to experience a very heart centered entrepreneur who is impacting lives on many different platforms - one being her awesome podcast Human Unleashed, as a Self Mastery Coach and Retreat Host and from her many years in starting and running her company Yoga Rush.  She brings a positive, dynamic and fresh energy, full of loads of wisdom.

    Each peak mindset episode will be dedicated to providing you with an inspiring message from world class athletes & entrepreneurs in fitness, business, sports & life, to find out how these amazing people think, what drives them, their habits and routines and what their biggest challenges were and how they overcame them. Mathew will also be sharing solo power messages directed towards empowering, motivating and inspiring you on your next level of being epic!  Get ready for massive motivation, rocking inspiration and valuable lessons from some of the biggest names today in how to step your life to the next level, bust through any obstacle and rock your dreams!