4 Differences Between Toxic Vs Healthy Relationships and 6 Steps to Make the Shift No Matter Where You Are in Your Journey

    enAugust 25, 2023

    Podcast Summary

    • Nurturing Healthy Love and RelationshipsPrioritize healthy habits, open communication, and setting boundaries rather than seeking perfection or relying solely on one person for all your needs.

      Healthy love requires making choices and developing healthy habits in a relationship. It is important to understand that no relationship is perfect, and there may be unhealthy and uncomfortable parts to it. Rather than seeking the "perfect" or "one" person, focus on creating a healthy connection with someone who is good for you. Avoid the toxic trait of over-reliance on one person for all your needs, as it can lead to imbalance and strain in the relationship. It may initially feel empowering to be the sole provider for your partner's needs, but it can eventually drain your energy and cause resentment. Open and honest communication is crucial in navigating these dynamics and setting boundaries.

    • Continuously setting and resetting standards in relationshipsCreate a diverse support system and avoid overdependence on one person. People change for themselves, not for others.

      In relationships, it is important to continuously set and reset standards and agreements. Growth and change are constant, and it is crucial to adapt and redefine where you are at and how you work on things with your partner. Overdependence on one person can lead to feelings of loneliness and make it difficult to leave unhealthy relationships. Instead, it is beneficial to create a council of people in your life who fulfill different roles, such as the caring one, the consistent one, the competent one, and the one with character. Trying to change someone is ineffective; people change for themselves, not for others.

    • Embracing Differences for a Healthy RelationshipAccepting and appreciating our partner's uniqueness is crucial in relationships. Avoid trying to change them and instead, focus on understanding and respecting their desires and priorities. Embracing individuality leads to a fulfilling connection.

      We should focus on accepting our partners as they are, rather than trying to change them to be like us. Jay Shetty highlights the importance of recognizing and appreciating the differences in our relationships. Instead of constantly molding someone into our own image, we should embrace their unique qualities and priorities. It's crucial to be clear about our desires from the beginning and understand what the other person truly wants. This involves observing their priorities, language, and choices. By acknowledging and respecting these differences, we can avoid unnecessary conflicts and power games. Trying to change someone or being changed ourselves can lead to dissatisfaction in relationships. Embracing individuality is key to building a healthy and fulfilling connection.

    • Prioritizing Peace in Healthy RelationshipsHealthy relationships prioritize teamwork, allow for individual expression, and strive for peace and harmony, maintaining a sense of togetherness while nurturing personal identity.

      Healthy relationships prioritize peace over power. When we are in a relationship, it is important to establish a sense of teamwork, using language like "we" and "us" rather than "you" and "me." Toxic traits can emerge when someone tells us how we should feel or behave, rather than allowing us to express our own emotions and thoughts. Unhealthy relationships chase power and control, while healthy relationships strive for peace and harmony. Pursuing pleasure and temporary bliss can distract us from the deeper search for peace and groundedness. It is crucial to maintain our own identity within the relationship, rather than losing ourselves in someone else. Ultimately, the key is to pursue peace together and nurture a sense of togetherness.

    • Maintaining Individuality and Communication in RelationshipsSupporting each other's individuality, interests, and friendships, and practicing open and honest communication are essential for a strong and fulfilling relationship.

      In relationships, it's important to maintain your individual identity, interests, and independence. Often, we become so consumed with being together that we forget about these crucial aspects of ourselves. It is not the other person making us sacrifice these things, but rather our own choice. We need to encourage our partners to maintain their individuality and support their friendships and interests. It's healthy for them to have a life outside of the relationship. Communication is also key, as we cannot expect our partners to read our minds. Expressing our needs and desires openly and honestly is the foundation of a strong and fulfilling relationship. Remember, relationships thrive when both individuals are reflective and strive to understand each other.

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    • 02:24:48 Taylor on Final Five

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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    • 01:35:21 Anitta on Final Five

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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    • 01:00:27 Charles on Final Five 

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    6 Small Changes You Can Make Immediately To Have a Big Impact On Your Mental Wellbeing

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    With Love and Gratitude,

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    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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    This interview took place at Soho Home at Soho Works 55 Water. 

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    You can pre-order Charlamagne’s latest book, Get Honest or Die Lying here: https://www.simonandschuster.com/p/get-honest-or-die-lying-preorder

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    19:42 ‘I Don’t Feel Hungry’

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    34:36 Shame and Cruelty Against Obesity

    47:09 Advocating for Body Positivity

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    01:06:34 Varying Clinical Results

    01:14:18 The Most Horrific Side Effect Recorded

    01:16:11 Is Ozempic Safe for Kids?

    01:19:22 Oprah’s Ozempic Challenge

    01:22:50 Is It Cheating?

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    01:27:30 How Japan Is Able to Control Obesity

    01:37:01 The Cultural Models We Can Learn from Japan

    01:40:23 Better Eating Habits is Still Necessary

    01:42:52 Johan in Final Five  

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    How to Know if You've Been Lying to Yourself & Learn to Get Comfortable Being Honest With Yourself and Others with Charlamange Tha God

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    How can one maintain a habit of honesty in daily life?

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    Charlamagne shares his insights on the societal detriments of small talk and why  superficial conversations are not only a waste of time but also a significant barrier to meaningful human connection and understanding. He argues that the small, meaningless exchanges that fill our daily interactions should be replaced with deeper, more substantial dialogues that challenge, enlighten, and engage us on multiple levels.

    With Jay, Charlamagne explores the psychological and social impacts of engaging in—or avoiding—small talk. He illustrates his points with personal anecdotes and experiences, including his own struggles and breakthroughs in striving for more genuine interactions in both his personal life and professional endeavors. He stresses the importance of being present in conversations, listening actively, and expressing one’s true thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.

    In this interview, you'll learn:

    How to initiate deeper discussions

    How to be honest in conversations

    How to set personal boundaries

    How to reflect on personal growth

    How to encourage others to engage

    This episode not only challenges listeners to evaluate the quality of their own conversations but also inspires them to make every word count in the quest for deeper understanding and genuine relationships.

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    You can pre-order Charlamagne’s latest book, Get Honest or Die Lying here: https://www.simonandschuster.com/p/get-honest-or-die-lying-preorder

    This interview was held at Soho Home at Soho Works 55 Water.

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    03:01 Why Small Talk Doesn’ Work

    05:15 Be Honest About Your Feelings

    08:00 How Do You Stop Being Offended?

    09:27 Realizations During Therapy

    12:14 Not Setting Proper Boundaries

    13:32 Stop Being a People Pleaser

    16:50 Online Oversharing

    18:13 Detaching from Your Ego

    20:23 Getting Caught Up in Lies

    23:33 Passing Judgment on People We Don’t Know 

    29:09 Confronting a Cheating Father

    34:48 In-Tune with Your Visions

    39:21 Why Some Things Don’t Work

    42:36 Successful But Unhappy

    01:03:10 Don’t Make a Decision Based on Emotion

    01:06:32 Don’t Confine Yourself In Small Boxes

    01:13:24 Honest Conversations with Your Kids

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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    • Examine areas in your life where you can set a better example



    Hi there, Dr. Debi here, and today I want to talk about setting a good example. And I'm saying it because I caught myself not setting a good example. Whether you have kids, a team, anyone that you're trying to set an example for, I'm going to share what happened with me, so you can prevent something like this from happening to you.

    So, this is my 30th year in business and I'm always trying to learn and grow, so I can share what I learned with members within The PBT Institute. I'm usually going to at least one mastermind group a year. One, maybe two, because learning from the most brilliant experts and collaborating with amazing people, it helps me learn and grow and really up my game. I see what they're doing and inspires me to do more.

     There was one of my groups, and I was thinking about it and I said; you know, I didn't really participate so I really didn't get much out of it. I'm not going to sign up with them again. And then it hit me and I said, Oh my gosh, if that's what I'm doing. That's probably what members within the PBT institute will do. They didn't get involved, so they didn't get the value, so they're going to leave!

     So, what did I do with that? The first thing I did was message my coach, and said, I know we had last weekend to jump in and sign again, for the new year. I totally messed up, I'm in, and this time if I come back in, if you let me in (because it was all these wonderful bonuses and things for resigning). If you let me back in, I'm diving in headfirst.

     My own intensity shocked me but I really linked committing- diving in headfirst, to what our members in the community will do. And so I heard back, and I'm in.

     Again, I'm going to be in two masterminds this year but here’s the difference. This time I took the yearly schedule of all of the classes and coaching calls and everything, and I put them in my calendar, my written calendar, I put them in my online calendar and I prioritized them. What we prioritize, we get done. I don't know about you, but there were times before my own workouts were a habit, I would actually have to write them in as an appointment. I thought that was so crazy, but I realized, I respect any other appointment that I have, but for some reason my own stuff, I don't prioritize, so if we don't prioritize it doesn't happen, and I wrote it in as an appointment.

    I also found that I have to write it in, let's say, earlier in the day because I wasn't prioritizing it my own self care enough that I just needed it foolproof. And I realized that if I schedule it later in the day, if there are other things that need to happen, it gets knocked off the list. So if I do it early enough, we can protect that time, ensure we get it in, even if it's a few minutes. Whatever it is, that time for yourself, whether it's for a morning self-care routine or a way that you connect, journal, meditate, whatever it is for you.

     But what really struck me was that we can talk a big game. I have four kids, 25,24, 21 and 19. And as they were growing up, I remember always saying, they're going to listen when I speak, but they're going to really understand if they watch me do it, and it kept me on my game, for the most part, when they were growing up. But this was just something where I caught myself, and I didn't like how I behaved and how I reacted so I immediately caught it.

     Here's the good news. You have an opportunity, all the time, to check in on yourself and see how you're showing up and see what you're doing. And if you don't like something, if you could do something better, differently, whatever. It's not that you're never supposed to be happy with yourself, but it's always good to just take a look and say, Could I do something a little bit better, could I do something a little bit differently? And that's how you grow. That's how you constantly reinvent yourself, improve on what wasn't working for you before.

     But, I didn't like that. I felt like I bailed on myself, because it's an amazing group. I didn't give myself, what I could have given myself from the experience. How often has that happened to you where you invest in something and you don't play full out, you don't give it 100%? I do this sometimes even with books. I want to read a book, and then I'll listen really quickly, or an online program and I just want to get through it. But did I really devour it the way I could have or should have to get the most out of it. It was a real wake up call, just to call myself on myself and just say; You know what, I don't like how I just showed up right there. And then, I did something about it.

     So here's what I would recommend you do. Take a look at where you may have bailed and maybe where you didn't set an example you wanted to. If you do have kids. Is there something you are doing that if your child were to do, you wouldn't like it? Well, there you go. Mom or Dad, what's the best way to teach, do it.

     Is there a team or group that you're a part of? And you’re in a work scenario or where you're contributing in some way or something that you're doing throughout your day, where you're not showing up the way you want to? And, if you put the time, effort, in a little bit differently, (not more but differently), you could have a much different result? I invite you to take a look. Because, certainly I caught myself doing that, and I did not like what I found.

     So, when we take on these new commitments and obligations, does it take a little reworking of our schedule? Of course, I mean now I'm committed to all of these extra coaching calls where it's like; Where's that time going to come from that in my day? But, I know I'm going to learn so much. I know I'm going to meet the most amazing like-minded people that I want to collaborate with. People I want to get to know who will inspire me to do different things, better thing, bolder things. So, I hope this inspires you to take a look at what you've been doing, how you've been acting, how you've been showing up and see that, maybe there's a way you can tweak what you're doing so you set a better example.

     Now, if you're absolutely perfect, well then I just hope you learned something from my mistake J . You get what I'm saying. I hope you just take a look at what you've been doing, how you've been showing up and see if you could just up it just a little bit.

     I want to thank you so much for this Dose of Dr Debi it's certainly what I learned this week about myself and check in for so much more. Coming at you every week with the From Betrayal to Breakthrough podcast and these little short doses of little nuggets that I've learned about members within our community or myself.

     Subscribe, rate and review if you're enjoying the podcast, please tell your friends. And if we can support you within The PBT Institute, Oh my gosh there's really no place like it. We have live daily classes with certified coaches- we have one practitioner who's been a therapist for 37 years. We have, coaches and practitioners who specialize in trauma, chronic pain, in addiction, in reconciliation, in narcissism, in divorce. We are bringing together the most brilliant experts to teach you every single day. Our lowest level membership is $97 a month, so if you want to, you can go to, I think we have something like 15 to 20 live classes at this point in time, live classes a week.

     So now think about it. One session with let's say a therapist who isn't highly skilled in betrayal does way more harm than good. You can go to these live classes, asking coaches questions, asking practitioners questions we have the most amazing community. I'm in there every week doing Q&A We have master classes I'm bringing in incredible thought leaders. Oh, and we have our signature programs that literally walk you through the Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough. So, even one month, $97 a month is amazing. Now, healing is now truly a choice, there is no reason to stay stuck, we have the tools, we have the support, we have the research.

     This is research based. We know what it takes to heal and we have everything within the community for you so if that resonates and if it's something that you just want to give a try. You could do it month by month. That's fine I get it, you may have some trust issues. I understand. So we do it that way, and you could just find everything you need.  To research some more just go to: https://thepbtinstitute.com/join/ . And, and if you just want to learn how to trust again move through the stages on your own, you want to try out a chapter of my book Trust Again, you could find that here: https://thepbtinstitute.com/freegift/ .

     Thank you so much and I'll see you next time. Bye.


    Resources Mentioned

    PBT Podcasts
    Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz

    PBT Institute Membership Community

    Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence and Happiness
    Trust Again Free Gift

    4 Critical Boundaries Set in Every Thriving Relationship | Melissa Urban

    4 Critical Boundaries Set in Every Thriving Relationship | Melissa Urban

    Melissa Urban is the co-founder and CEO of Whole30 and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits. She is a seven-time New York Times bestselling author and has been featured by People, Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and CNBC.

    Be sure to check out Melissa’s new book, ‘The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free.’ 

    In this episode you will learn, 

    • Common boundaries many relationships fail to set.
    • Key boundaries you need to create in your relationship.
    • The hidden challenges of creating boundaries for yourself.
    • The benefits that come from setting boundaries with yourself.
    • How to step away from people who don’t respect boundaries.

    For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1567

    For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960

    More HABITS & RELATIONSHIP episodes we think you’ll love:

    Habits That'll Help You Not Waste Another Year Of Your Life w/ James Clear – https://link.chtbl.com/1372-pod

    Your Personal Guide to Self Discovery w/ Nicole LePera – https://link.chtbl.com/1358-pod

    Overcome Your Triggers & Heal Your Soul w/ Dr. Mariel Buqué – https://link.chtbl.com/1304-pod

    220 Solo: A Dose of Dr. Debi: Playing Bigger

    220 Solo: A Dose of Dr. Debi:  Playing Bigger

    Are you afraid to take risks? Do you often doubt your capabilities? If you are, it might be a sign that you’re easily swayed by other people’s opinions. 

    The people you frequently spend time with have the biggest influence on how you think and behave. This means you should surround yourself with people who inspire you to become your best self and play bigger! 

    Hi, I am Dr. Debi Silber, and welcome to another insightful episode of A Dose of Dr. Debi.

    Today, we will be discussing how others can hold us back from achieving our dreams, and learn what it takes to regain confidence in ourselves.  


    In This Episode 

    • Understand the power of the people around you 
    • Discover what’s getting in the way of your success
    • Find out how you can play bigger



    Hi there, Dr. Debi here with another Dose of Dr. Debi. 

    Are you playing small? I'm asking that because I just found that that's exactly what I've been doing. You may be doing it too so I'm going to tell you a story. You may have heard; “We are the five people we spend the most time with.” So, if you are with people who inspire you to play a bigger game, you will be inspired by that. If you are spending time with people coming from lack and scarcity, it will hold you back. Not only will it hold you back, it's going to have you question your ideas and plans if you are even considering doing something. 

    I'm actually in two different mastermind groups. I’m purposely in those groups because it helps me stretch, and think bigger and grow. 

    I had this idea, and it seemed so crazy and I'm thinking, I can't even share this with them, they're gonna think I’m nuts.

    But think about it. Any great idea at first was considered nuts until it was okay. But I shared this idea to my group, and to me it seemed so huge. Within minutes, I heard: “Wow, did you think about doing this and did you think about adding that and what about this way and that way.” It made me realize how small I've been playing. I only know that because when we're in our own head, or when we're dealing with people who's who are playing smaller, we can really get caught up in this.

    I'll never forget a couple of years ago, I was planning a, an event. I was going to do a one day event. And it was terrifying for me I had never done a one day event but in this group I was in, that was part of what we do- you put on a one day event. I'm thinking okay here we go (well, actually they taught us how to do a three day event, and I was playing really small, by just putting on one day event.) It was my first one and I thought, Okay, we're gonna do this one day event, and it's just going to be fabulous. And just fantastic

    So I had speakers that I had booked. I got vendors I got sponsors. I was so excited about this. I got the perfect outfit, I mean this thing was just all about transformation and it was going to be the most incredible day. 

    So I had gotten together with a group of people, and we're all sitting around a table. You know when you're all sitting around all taking turns with the question: “What's new with you?” “What's new with you?” “What's new with you?” Well it was my turn. And my event was what was new with me. So I'm going on and on and on and on. And then…

    Have you ever done that, where you are speaking, and then all of a sudden, you hear how quiet it starts getting? I was busy telling all about this event, and they're kind of looking at me like; “Oh, are you sure you want to do that?” “That's a lot of personal development.” “I mean, asking people to take the day off of work?” “Wow on a Friday and it’s $97? That's a lot for something like that. Are you sure you want to do this?” 

    This was totally well meaning. They were trying to spare me the embarrassment, the loss of money. So I started getting really scared because I had never done an event, and I know they were looking out for my best interest. I'm thinking, you know, they're right, they're probably right. So, and I'm thinking okay so I still have time to cancel the venue I'll lose my deposit but, okay, and I'll cancel the speakers before they booked their flights, and I'll tell the vendors, we're postponing it or something and I'll cancel them too, and the sponsors and I have it all figured out. Then I left. 

    I remembered that I am part of this other group so I thought I’d reach out to them and throw it out to them and see what happens (we were in a private Facebook group at the time). I said, you know, it seems just way too big and way too scary, (which means familiar), and you know it's not too late for me to cancel, and how would you go about canceling this? 

    Within about five minutes, I start hearing; “Only one day? Why isn't it two days you have such amazing content?” “It should at least be $197! That's a lot of value for $97!” Are you sure you don't want to raise it to $197?” “Ugh! It’s in New York? I wish I was in New York, I'd be there in a minute!” Oh, wow.

    I looked at the two messages I was receiving. And if I didn't have access to that other group, I would have canceled it in a minute. (Just to close the loop for you on that story. It was an amazing day. It was an incredible experience. And I was so glad I did it.) But if I only had access to the group that was well intentioned, trying to talk me out of it, or looking out for my best interest, I never would have done it and I wouldn't have grown. 

    So my question to you is: 

    1. Who are you spending your time with? Because it will affect every single thing that you do. 
    2. Are you playing small? Like I said, I just came back from this event, and I caught myself playing small. I was thinking about this new program I'm designing and this next evolution of my business and I'm thinking, it just sounds so big and so crazy. And it really wasn't at all. It only seemed that way because of what I had been telling myself and what I’d been telling some of the people I had been sharing it with. 

    So, if you have an idea, and you know when it's an idea that does seem crazy. You feel something. It's like your soul’s on fire and you know that feeling. It doesn't feel like a chore, or an obligation. It feels like a passion, and then you think: I'm crazy, I can never do that. What Am I nuts? Yes, that’s where you need to be a part of a group, or you need to be with like-minded friends that you feel comfortable in sharing something like that with. Because, if you share that to the wrong group, you will cancel, you will think you're crazy, and you just won't do it. But, with the right people, they will help stoke that flame. Before you know it, that one idea that you had in your head will become a reality. 

    I also have two visuals that I picture if I have a good idea but it just seems too big and too scary or too hard. Two things that get me over them. Okay. The first one is I picture my idea now floating around in a thought bubble. And then I picture someone looking up like: “Wow, that's a good idea!” and snatching it. That was my idea, and now it's somebody else's. And if that one doesn't get me, I picture this. I picture sitting my four kids down (they're older now, but when they were younger this was great), and telling them: “You know that idea I had? It was just too hard. I'm not doing it.” And I imagine my four kids are looking at me like: “It was too hard? Is that all you got mom?” So, if one of them doesn't get me over the hump, usually the other one does. 

    To wrap this up. 

    The first thing: If you have a dream, an idea, and inspiration, it's because you're the one who's supposed to be doing it. That's the first thing. 

    The second thing: Be super careful who you share these things with. The right person or the right people will inspire you to go for it. Other people who just don't get it, don't understand, (and they could be totally well intentioned, trying to spare you the embarrassment, the humiliation, the money, whatever it is), they'll have you second guessing yourself in a minute. 

    The third thing: Play a bigger game. Here's where you find that like-minded friend, that group, and that's certainly what we do within The PBT Institute, it is a group like no other. 

    So of course if you're struggling to heal from betrayal and the devastation of a family member, a partner, a friend, a coworker, self, that's where you need to be. But I just really wanted to give you this little reminder, if you're not playing big enough. It's time. 

    So, if you are struggling with betrayal a few things I'd love to suggest to you. Of course, the first one is Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence and Happiness. Click here for the book and bonuses. I also have another book coming out very, very soon. And it's really exciting. Not ready to share it just yet because I want to make sure a couple of pieces are in place before I do, but all good stuff.

    So play a bigger game that's what you're here for. Don't let anybody talk you out of your vision or your dream, and thank you so much. Come back next time, I have a few more little nuggets I want to share in the next few weeks with future Doses of Dr. Debi. Bye.


    Resources Mentioned

    PBT Podcasts
    Post Betrayal Syndrome Quiz

    PBT Institute Membership Community

    Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence and Happiness
    Trust Again Free Gift