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    151. Stop getting attached too quickly ft. Lyss Boss

    By practicing positive self-talk, setting behavioral intentions, and prioritizing emotional independence, you can improve your self-esteem, maintain a balanced sense of self, and choose healthier relationships.

    enDecember 11, 2023

    About this Episode

    We all know the feeling of going on a few dates with someone and, suddenly, you're unable to stop checking your phone for messages, wondering when they're free, imagining the wedding, your future kids. And then we are left depleted, ghosted or disappointed. This is what happens when we romanticise the idea of someone, engage in fantasy bonding and it can often end up sabotaging the relationship.

    In today's episode we are joined by the wonderful Lyss Boss, host of the Date Yourself Instead podcast to break down how we can take things slow and not get caught up in the idea of someone before we truly know them. Listen now. 

     

    Follow Lyss: @lyss

    Listen to Date Yourself Instead here: https://open.spotify.com/show/6ie2ywivlNvFCO8LLJYgo7?si=7f7b358f090c4c28 

    Follow me: @jemmasbeg

    Follow us on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast

     

     

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    🔑 Key Takeaways

    • By understanding attachment patterns and focusing on self-worth, we can make healthier choices in relationships and avoid getting attached too quickly. Take the time to know someone before fantasizing about a future with them.
    • Finding fulfillment in ourselves and being open to opportunities can lead to authentic and fulfilling relationships, free from attachment and fear.
    • Set high standards, recognize red flags, and differentiate between attachment and love to attract genuine connections and find the person who reciprocates your love and energy.
    • Love should bring peace and calmness, not anxiety and uncertainty. Recognizing attachment patterns early on allows us to detach from unhealthy situations and seek genuine connections where we feel safe and secure.
    • Our time and emotions are valuable, and we should not waste them on someone who doesn't truly value us. It's important to detach ourselves and prioritize our own self-esteem and sense of self-value.
    • Building self-confidence is crucial to avoid being taken advantage of and to attract healthier relationships.
    • Our worth is not determined by others and we should seek emotional maturity, respect, and consistency in relationships, prioritizing feeling wanted and emotionally safe. Don't settle for less.
    • Being wanted in a healthy relationship means finding someone who prioritizes your needs, communicates openly, and plans for a future together. It is possible and rewarding.
    • Society's expectations create a disparity in clarity between men and women when it comes to dating, but a healthy relationship requires equal investment and mutual pride in each other's happiness.
    • Take time, trust your instincts, and prioritize self-growth before committing to a relationship.
    • By practicing positive self-talk, setting behavioral intentions, and prioritizing emotional independence, you can improve your self-esteem, maintain a balanced sense of self, and choose healthier relationships.
    • Recognize physical reactions and prioritize well-being when determining if a person is right for you. Listen to your body, love yourself, and avoid getting too attached too quickly.

    📝 Podcast Summary

    The role of attachment in love lives and the importance of self-love and healing after a breakup

    Attachment plays a significant role in our love lives during our twenties and beyond. It is common for some of us to develop strong attachments to others, even after just a few dates, and project fantasies onto them. This can lead to unrealistic expectations and potential heartache. Liz, the host of the podcast "Date Yourself Instead," emphasizes the importance of self-love and healing after a breakup. By focusing on knowing ourselves and our worth, we can step into our power and make healthier choices in relationships. Understanding attachment patterns can help us avoid getting attached too quickly and ensure that we invest in the right people. It is essential to take the time to truly know someone before projecting a future with them.

    Overcoming the Fear of Being Alone: A Guide to Building Genuine Relationships

    Getting attached too quickly in relationships often stems from a place of fear and insecurity. When we feel alone or have a fear of being alone forever, we may latch onto the idea of someone without truly knowing who they are or if they are the right fit for us. This can lead to creating a fantasy version of the person, rather than falling in love with their true self. It is important to recognize that being single does not mean our lives lack meaning or happiness. We should understand that love and fulfilling relationships come when we are grounded, focused on ourselves, and open to opportunities, rather than actively seeking them out. Trusting in the process and allowing things to unfold naturally can lead to more genuine and successful connections.

    Trusting the Process: Finding the Right Person for You

    Trusting the process and not settling for less than what we deserve is crucial in finding the right person for us. It's important to not overlook red flags or tolerate behavior that we wouldn't accept from our ideal partner. By knowing ourselves and setting high standards, we attract better options and genuine connections. It's vital to differentiate between attachment and love, as attachment can lead us to cling onto fantasies and potential rather than recognizing the reality of a situation. Relationships, even if they don't work out, teach us valuable lessons and bring us closer to finding the right person who will reciprocate our love and energy.

    Finding True Love: Recognizing Compatibility and Breaking Unhealthy Patterns

    Love shouldn't be filled with anxiety and uncertainty. It's easy to mistake excitement and chemistry for genuine attachment, but true compatibility brings peace and calmness. When we experience a sense of safety and ease with someone, it's a sign of a healthy connection. We often find ourselves attracted to people who make us anxious because of our attachment styles, but recognizing this pattern early on allows us to detach and remove ourselves from unhealthy situations. It's important to let go of the belief that love should always be intense and self-destructive. Instead, we should look for someone who genuinely wants to be with us and doesn't leave us questioning their feelings. If we find ourselves constantly wondering if someone likes us, it's a clear indication to walk away.

    Taking control and ending toxic relationships to protect our self-worth.

    It's important to recognize the value of our time, energy, and emotions in relationships. Sometimes, we find ourselves getting too invested and trying to make things work with someone who continuously makes it difficult. We may detach ourselves, only to be manipulated back into the situation. This is a common scenario where people want us to hold on to them, even if they don't actually want us. We have to take control and cut the cord, realizing that our life, feelings, energy, and time are valuable and should not be wasted on someone who doesn't truly value us. It's not just about attachment, but also about our self-esteem and sense of self-value. We must not let someone else's actions determine our worth.

    Protecting ourselves from toxic relationships through self-confidence.

    When we have low self-esteem and are vulnerable, it becomes easier for people to take advantage of us in relationships. Sensitivity and a desire to see the good in others can make us latch onto people who may not value us the way we deserve. This can lead to insecurities and a loss of self-confidence. It is important to know our worth and have a strong self-concept to attract better people into our lives. It's unfair when someone damages our confidence and controls us for their benefit. These experiences become a part of us and are difficult to forget. Therefore, we must work on rebuilding and maintaining unbreakable self-confidence to protect ourselves from such situations.

    Building Self-Worth and Finding Emotional Safety in Dating

    Our worth should not be defined by how others treat us or value us. We should strive to become a fortress of self-love, self-worth, and confidence. There are millions of people out there who could treat us amazingly if we just give them a chance. Our worth remains the same regardless of where we are valued or the price others are willing to pay for us. In dating, it is important to recognize signs of emotional maturity and attachment worthiness. Look for someone who understands your emotions without explanation, respects your boundaries, and shows consistent interest and effort. Trust your gut instincts and prioritize feeling wanted and emotionally safe. Don't make excuses or convince yourself to settle for less.

    Building a healthy relationship based on clear communication and consideration

    A healthy relationship is one where both partners make an effort to accommodate each other's needs and desires. It's important to be with someone who wants you on your own terms and doesn't only prioritize their convenience. A partner who truly values you will make time for you and show a sense of continuity in planning future activities together. This kind of clear communication and consideration helps alleviate anxiety about the relationship's stability and shows respect for your feelings. It may be surprising for some, especially those who have experienced less straightforward behavior in the past, but being wanted in a healthy, easy, and open way is possible and rewarding.

    Gender Differences and Relationship Expectations

    Men often have a clearer sense of what they want in a relationship compared to women. This is because they don't face the same societal pressures to settle down and can focus more on their career success and financial stability. Women, on the other hand, have been conditioned by society to believe that their worth is closely tied to being in a relationship. This imbalance can make it difficult for women to navigate dating and relationships with the same clarity as men. A key indicator of a healthy relationship is when both partners are proud to show each other off and are equally invested in each other's happiness. This sets a standard for future relationships - to find someone who will cheer for you and proudly proclaim your worth.

    The dangers of rushing into relationships

    Rushing into relationships and getting attached too quickly can lead to negative outcomes. It often clouds our judgment and puts undue pressure on both ourselves and the other person involved. Instead of settling for anyone just because we feel alone or societal pressures, it is important to take things slowly, listen to our gut instincts, and focus on our own self-concept and healing. By grounding ourselves and looking at relationships from a long-term perspective, we can avoid getting attached to someone who is not right for us. It is better to wait and direct our energy inwards, rather than diving into a relationship that will not go anywhere.

    Harness the Power of Positive Affirmations and Emotional Independence

    Positive affirmations and changing your inner dialogue can have a significant impact on your behavior and the energy you give off. Speaking positively to yourself can improve your self-esteem and create a more balanced sense of self when faced with negativity. It's important to counteract the constant attempts to break down your sense of self-concept by practicing exaggerated self-affirmations. Setting behavioral intentions and writing down your nonnegotiables can help you maintain a rational and logical approach, especially in emotional situations. Additionally, it's crucial to sustain emotional independence and not rely on others for validation or to determine your mood. You have the power to choose who deserves to be in your life based on their actions, not just their words.

    Emotional Wellness and Independence in Relationships

    Emotional wellness and independence are crucial in relationships. Recognizing when someone is making you feel physically ill or repulsed is a clear sign that they may not be good for you. Our bodies can react in unusual ways when we're around people who drain our energy. Sinus infections, for example, may be linked to emotional well-being. It's important to pay attention to these physical reactions as they may indicate that we're attached to the wrong person. Stress can also have a detrimental impact on our health, so it's vital to listen to our bodies and prioritize our own well-being. Moving forward, it's essential to love ourselves and avoid getting attached too quickly to someone who doesn't deserve it.

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