In this episode …

Aaron talks with guest Dominique D’Vita about her past long distance that woke her up to using and coaching through the healing practice of Tantra.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

 

SHOW NOTES

Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

44 sec 

Hindsight  is always 2020, right?

 

Looking back at once pained us, can shift a funny perspective. And the funny and unfortunate relationship situation can be a powerful catalyst to find unique ways to change though we do things.

 

For my new friend Dominque she went from a toxic long distance relationship to discovering how the practice of tantra can change and heal you.

 

Often our wounds stem from childhood, and for Dom where she had to take care of an alcoholic parent, literally dodging a bullets when her mom came in with a gun, and having to be a parent to her parent. After overcoming people pleasing and being a sex worker in the past, she now teaches men and couples how to have a healthy sense of sex in their relationship.

 

She shares her story with me, and how tantra has helped her and others, one of the benefits helping you trust yourself and find discernment, and not just impulsively hooking up with people.. all that and more…

 

Enjoy.

 

 

3:20 min

Aaron watched Dominique’s “how to last longer in bed” video.

 

Dominique says, “Your brain is your biggest sexual organ because of neural pathways, and it’s great to start the work on your own without a partner”

 

4:30 min

Aaron asks Dominique about her long distance relationship

 

Dominique says,  yea the guy was a real “winner” the

 

They were in an AOL chat room from 1997. When you wen into an AOL chat room you use to type A/S/L - age sex location.

 

You would have deep conversation, not thinking you were ever going to see this person.

 

7:20 min

Dominique’s strategy at the time  was “the best way to get over a man, is to get under another.”

 

It was a great exchange and first. And Dominque ended up dating this guy.

 

 

9 min

Friends all though she was dating good man, and the relationship went on for 3 years

 

They had a lot of fun and they talked about getting married.

 

She had met his mom and his son. They got along really well, but that’s easy when you don’t see each other every day.

 

He had some problems with work, and asked her to reach out only at his house.

 

11:45 min

The story gets spicy. It turns out he was already married…

 

She went on a trip to go see him, and she had a suspicion. Then found a card from another women with a sentimental note.

 

She went to go see his mom. Dominique got home and called the number on the card.

 

His mom was playing along and payed dumb.

 

Dominque didn’t want anything to do with him any more.

 

 

15:20 min

He friend called and asked if she was ok but in that moment she realized she had dodged a bullet and only lost out on an illusion.

 

Years later he reached out trying to rekindle things, but she didn’t want to speak with him ever again.

 

She stop playing the same game she used to.

 

 

17 min

She decided she was never begin a long distance relationship again.

 

You don’t know what that person’s truth is. When you miss someone of course you’re going to have a passion to see them, but also not have a clear perspective.

 

A year earlier she had to get a restringing order from her past partner, so the long distance seem to be suiting.

 

There’s no consequence but you can fool yourself.

 

21 min

Aaron asks Dominique about “doing the work”  then shares a quick dating story where the woman said she looks up guys’ background checks.

 

Tantra helped Dominique have a better relationship with herself and getting yourself out of that trap.

 

Looking back on her childhood, Dominique’s mom was an alcoholic and had suicidal depression.

 

When you don’t grow up without boundaries, you don’t think you need them.

 

 

23:20 min

When parents not being present to your needs, it’s easy to ignore the red flags.

 

The only way to belong is to neglect your needs and pay attention to your parents needs.

 

“They don’t need me, I don’t feel secure.”

 

Dominique has been focusing on taking

 

27:20 min

Being good in and out of bed came from being a good people pleaser.

 

Dodging bullets metaphorically, but when she grew up, she also had to dodge real bullets from her mom.

 

Orgasms are the fountain of youth.

 

28:40 min

Dominque was doing mad libs while her drunk mom came in with a gun.

 

If you don’t take care of your own sexual needs you’re more likely to lower your standard by not pleasuring yourself, more likely to hook up with someone that’s not good for you

 

It’s like going to the grocery store and getting junk food when you’re starving.

 

 

31 min

Dominique’s friend was married 5 times because she didn’t allow her self to have sex until she’s married.

 

There was a lot of purity culture in Texas.

 

 

32:25 min

Aaron asks Dominique how tantra has helped her…

 

The common misconception is you need a parter.

 

Aaron and Dominique are both fans of Sting, Tantra, and the police

 

Dominique had 5 hours of bliss and extended orgasm she calls a “soul-gasm”. It was a Kundalini awakening

 

She talks more about chakras and Energy Centers

 

36 min

Dominique couldn’t keep her head in the sand anymore. She said it was like Marvin Gay’s sexual healing

 

She had clients certain sex position saved their marriage.

 

Most people hit the glass sealing on their pleasure and don’t think you can go further.

 

When she opened up her chakras she had better relationships with all other people.

 

Breathe, Sound, and Movement are the foundations for healing Trauma,

 

Tantra was the gateway drug for Dominique.

 

 

39:20 min

Movement is like the song “Dance yourself clean” by LCD Sound System. Dance like no one’s watching.

 

You hit a higher frequency.

 

 

40:50 min

Here are some more benefits of Tantra…

• You start attracting better relationships.

• You can speak up more

• You realize you’re not a victim

 

Dominique’s mom used to only care about “good looking men”.

 

Her Toxic Confession is a quote from Marylin Monroe “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

 

She use to get way more angry than need be, but not a way to be accountable to yourself

 

45:30 min

Dominique mentioned there’s not enough safe space for men.

 

It’s time to break the cycles and patterns

 

A lot of ancient tantra is now nervous system regulating techniques

 

She’s got a lot of pushback about her work but Dominique doesn’t perform anything sexually. Most clients don’t meet in person.

 

48 min

Aaron asks whats the divergence between having your own self study vs hiring a tantra coach?

 

Dominique says its hard to integrate self-study, we don’t know it on a body cellular level

 

Coaching yourself is hard because you don’t see your own blindspots/

 

Orgasmic manifestation is about tuning into your power.

 

 

50:20 min

Why do we have shame on the thing that created us?

 

Other ways tantra benefits you…

• Amplifying law of attraction

• Manifest define partnership

 

She says we’re always manifesting whether we are aware or not.

 

If you’re not able to receive, do you have a big enough energetic body?

 

If you don’t feel worthy, you may push it away.

 

53:20 min

Clearing anger, shame, and emotions…

 

Dominique helped a couple in their 60s have the best sex in their life.

 

Emotions are just energy in motion

 

Dominique’s techies for emotional release…

• Primal yell

• rage writing

• Emotional writing release

• Shaking off after anger. Tantra calls it the Shiba Shake

• Saying to yourself, “Hey emotion, I see you”

 

Diss-ease in the body means there’s disease  in the body

 

 

60 min

Looking back..

BS means blindspot and bullshit

 

Patterns repeat until we learn.

 

When we hit rock bottom is when we become willing to make a change

 

You can connect with Dominique here..

 

yestantra.com

www.youtube.com/@YesTantra

instagram.com/yesdvita/

 

It’s been hard to have a sex positive platform, but it’s actually healing people from shame.

 

53 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

Jenny Rain returns to co-host an episode with Aaron about their holiday relationship workshop “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family” where they share 3 Keys to have a stress-free holiday season with family and friends.

 

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

 

SHOW NOTES

Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

40 sec

Jenny & Aaron’s intro…

This is a special episode with a special guest and co host, Jenny Rain to talk about our Holiday Workshop.

We hope to spread some cheer.

Jenny is all about spreading cheer.

The workshop was called “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family” and it was a lot of fun.

It’s all about learning how to love your friends and family during the holidays when relationship patterns show back up.

This was the 2nd annual workshop and we had some different things that came up for people.

There was a lot of problems we discussed.

 

The top 5 problems we talked about …

1. Dealing with the pressure of being in soooo many places at once & ending up exhausted after the holidays!!!

2. Having a lack of meaningful connections and quality time and people don’t think about that until they show up.

3. OLD stubborn patterns on repeat like…

   1. Feeling guilty when we speak up

   2. Feeling less than by certain friends/family members

   3. Or family holding us to the 11 year old versions of ourselves

4. Attitudes from in-laws that we have to navigate. When you’re inlays become out-laws

5. People become resentful for carrying TOO much responsibility for having to do ALL the holiday preparations & not having support

 

Aaron was also talking with a client about how to co-parent during the holidays.

We covered 3 keys for a stress free holiday…

1. Don’t Deck, Connect

2. Master Courageous Communication

3. Unleash Invincible Boundaries

 

It’s amazing how people go back and boundaries become the overwhelming elephant in the room.

Aaron mentions that Jenny talks not only about personal boundaries but time and environment boundaries.

There’s a lot of good stuff.

Enjoy the Holiday Laughs.

 

 

WORKSHOP

4:50 min

We like to start the workshop off with our favorite Ram Dass Quote…

“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

Family is a great revealer of all of the shadow work.

 

Jenny shares some Stats…

69% of people in the US argue with loved ones during the holidays.

66% People say they feel more stressed out during the holiday season.

3 out of 5 people feel their mental health is adversely affected by the holidays.

 

Aaron Jenny are going to take you on a journey.. as you go into the holidays with loved ones, you will have a holiday melody that carries you through.

We are going to share some heartfelt stories.

Have some Healing Holidays.

 

6:50 min

What We are Covering Today…

 

1 - Cultivating Safe enjoyable connections with family and friends while staying sane.
2 - Experience epic and authentic communicate that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members.

3 - Unleash a sense of invincible boundaries that break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family and friends.

 

Let’s make this holiday season the year you break patterns instead of decking your family.

How do you want this holiday season to be different ?

 

9:45 min

There’s not a lot of space for people talking about Adoption and what that’s like during the holidays.

Stay grounded and authentic during the holidays into 2024.

 

10 min

 

Aaron’s Story…

 

If we’ve never met before or you’ve getting familiar with my world... I’m Aaron Tosti.

 

I’m so grateful to be aware enough to know that my partner was not my problem, my wound was. And that has given me the FREEDOM to be my most Empowered, Unapologetic, Authentic Self

 

There I was... at the lowest point of my life, lying on the floor distraught after a heartbreak, knowing that I had “sabotaged” a relationship, but even AFTER it was over, I was STILL attached to the idea of trying to “make it work”. I had trouble being focused at work, enjoying time with friends, and even went through a series of rebounds.

 

If I was to change what was going on outside of me, I had to change what was going on inside. (slow down and focus on what was going on internally)

I had to get support, meet with coaches, friends, a therapist and be around people I could trust to create a safe space for me

I had to do self-study and get back to feeling like myself again. I literally stopped listening to sad music was was perpetuating my depression, and started listening to my favorite comedians to get out of my state

I had to COMMIT to new healthy habits and boundaries. I stopped drinking, smoking, I started putting healthy things into my body to eat, I got really clear on my “no’s” and where I was over committed. And what wasn’t serving me.

If I wanted my a healthy new relationship, I had to break up with my own unwanted patterns. I was single so I begin to heal the patterns within my family and close relationships.. FIRST

 

Now I know that to heal harmful relationship patterns, you have to heal yours.

 

And that’s possible. Many people think they have to look outward and DO MORE to “fix” their relationships. when the truth is you have to look within and REVEAL it to heal it.

 

Consider how important your relationships are... What does love really look like for you?

 

Do You have some patterns that you don’t think about much but during the holidays it’s like they all resurface.

 

What if you took radical acceptance and responsibility and didn’t see your loved ones as problems, but and opportunity to heal your wound.

 

 

14:45 min

Jenny’s reflection..

When you are dealing with heartbreak during the holidays, it can be excruciating.

Jenny remembers spending the holidays painfully single having family members ask about when you’re going to get married.

 

 

15:30 min

Jenny shares her Story…

The first time I set a boundary with my family, even nature celebrated the win.

Perhaps it was because I was 34 when it happened and I had gone a lifetime living without boundaries in my family, so when I was finally able to set the dang thing... it was a big deal. Nature noticed!

 

I grew up boundary-less. On one side of my family, boundaries were non-existent. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have them. My mom hadn’t learned them, so she had no idea how to teach me how to create them.

 

The net result on that side of the family because of a lack of boundaries was enmeshment and triangulation.

 

I got pulled into a lot of spaces as a child - a lot of fights and conflict. My house sounded like a freight train ran through the middle of the living room at times.

 

The fury of family fights was all consuming. Avoiding the hair trigger that would set someone in my family steaming felt like I was tip toeing barefoot on wine glasses... trying not to shatter them. It was a constant dance to try and avoid the chaos.

It went on like this for years. All through my childhood..

 

I will never forget the day everything changed. I was 34 and visiting my mom and step-dad for the holidays. By this point I had completed 2 years of trauma therapy and extensive work on boundaries.

 

My mom and step dad were storming into conflict and at one point my mom turned to me and tried to triangulate me into their fight.

 

I didn’t take the bait. Instead I said, “your conflict - doesn’t involve me” and left.

It was a massive moment for me. It was the first time I had set a boundary and said “no.” Something in me broke wide open the moment I said no. Something long buried sprung to life again. It was glorious.

 

As I walked to my car, I glanced to the right and at that VERY moment a daffodil popped open and unfurled to reach the sunlight.

 

I was awestruck. It felt like all of nature was celebrating with me.

 

That was step one for me of a VERY long road of healing. A road I am still on today.

 

1. I continued in supportive therapeutic & coaching to help me identify the patterns that trapped me in patterns that kept me in the same toxic cycles with my family. Patterns like: Being the good girl; people pleasing; fawning/freezing; or the opposite - oppositional defiance.

2. I came to accept that my family was most likely never going to get the healing they needed so that meant the work would have to come from ME.

The reality of the dynamics in one side of my family is that my family has not chosen to do the healing work - so as a result..

 

• I have had to set stringent boundaries with my time with them.

• Always a start and end time, clear parameters, clear
  communication guardrails, BECAUSE they aren’t taking responsibility for their mental health, and I’m choosing not to do the emotional labor for them, my holidays thrive to the level of the boundaries I have set.

 

We are not one big healthy, healed family -- but I have found a way to be in proximity to them that doesn’t devastate my nervous system.

 

I now say “no” to mandatory holiday gatherings when I need to... Does it make me sad that one side of my family has chosen not to do the deep healing work that would allow close, intimate relationships to occur in a safe way? Yes.

 

We want to have loving relationships, but I’ve realized it takes two -- and if the other person can’t meet you in a similar capacity, there have to be boundaries in place.

 

20:30 min

“Make your boundary big enough so that you can be in your own integrity so that you can give generously” - Brene Brown

It’s ok take care of yourself, your own family and your partner.

How are you at setting boundaries with your family? - What about your partner?
Ever had nature celebrate your boundary?

 

21:30 min

Key #1 Don’t Deck, Connect

Problems you may encounter…

1. A relative or friend that drives you insane

2. Parentification

3. Toxic people in your circle

4. Family/friends holding you to your past self

5. Feeling obligated to show up a certain way

…feeling forgotten, left out, and abandon.

…passive aggressive

What happens when you start to get healthier.. people say “you’ve changed” and

 

24 min

Aaron talks about looking at relationships with compassion over comparison.

…Not seeing your family as a threat

… Having compassion and seeing that we’re all humans with a wounded history

…Learning how to emotionally become centered and regulate, relate, reason

Two dysregulated people can’t come together.

 

25:50 min

It can be challenging, we may want to deck our family instead of connecting.

That also means having compassion for self.

 

Jenny’s practices

…Awareness of environment

Take the time you need to yourself, and putting on your oxygen mask first.

Taking of your mask if you’ve been the “nice” guy or girl in the past.

If you’re nervous system isn’t on board, you’re not going to be able to connect.

What does it mean to be an authentic family member ?

 

 

27:30 min

Aaron shares a short story..

Your family members are just humans with a wounded history.

After a devastating break up I started noticing how I was showing up around my family.

I would shrink and feel small.

Seeing a sibling with similar wounds showing up in a different way.

It’s good to have empathy and understanding, but compassion is letting someone off the hook.

… I see you and that part of you thats wounded.

 

28:90 min

When things get heated Aaron asks, “What if..” And goes for the reframe with compassion.

Compassion isn’t peacemaking.

 

Jenny’s thoughts…

Service oriented healers, practitioners, therapist have a challenge because we get why other people are doing things, give space and compassion, but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate the behavior.

You don’t have to violate your boundaries to make amens.

 

30:50 min

Jenny’s shares her Client’s story..

She had been raised by a Narcissistic mother and married a Narcissistic partner

She said, “I started to wonder, maybe I deserve more than what I've been accustomed to creating in relationships? That's why I came to you....”

“I'm a creature of habit. I don't like my habits. They're not good. I don't want to be here anymore! When I came to you for help I had decided, ‘We're not going to do it my way. I'm going to try yours.’”
She told Jenny that her program has equipped me with a…
- relationship blueprint,
- a set of beautiful boundaries for myself, and
- I have found the agency and courage to use them both.”

 

I had a massive takaway in the boundaries -- how important the beliefs are around boundaries, and that there is a COST! to not having them.

“I'm light years ahead from where I was before! Your program gave me incredible tools; You elevated my awareness of who I am.

You elevated my potential for relationships.”

 

That’s what this work is all about. You come out with skills and tools to enjoy your relationships.

 

33 min

Key #2 - Mastering Courageous Communication

 

Problems you may encounter…

1. Not feeling safe to talk about uncomfortable topics, like politics, religious views, cancel culture

2. Feeling triggered and not knowing how to create a safe communication style

3. Continual misunderstandings and assumptions that lead to arguments

 

It’s hard Being Courageous conversations with all the “isms” and phobias

Listening without formulating a response

Hold space to get curious over confusion

Listen and ask question over assumptions.

It lower the other persons threat response, and the nervous system start to get in-sync.

 

36:50 min

 

Aaron’s shares a story about an interaction with his mom

When you can tell someone else in their threat and activated response.

… what’s underneath is fear.

There was a hurricane in Florida, Aaron lives in Tennessee, and his mom was in California.

She was sending him all caps text messages telling Aaron to “get out of there”.

In the past Aaron may have said some dismiss sarcastic things.

This time he knew she was in fear and serval, and he asked her “what’s scary right now ?”

It changed her tone. And it calmed her.

And that can help people co-regulate together.

Jenny says, “thats a really great question for women.”

 

 

39 min

Jenny’s feedback and practical advice…

Learning to catch ANTS an automatic negative thought

For her she caught her self thinking,“What’s wrong with you?”

Slowing down is your superpower.

She realized that there was nothing wrong with her.

Catch it, grab it, examine it, and respond differently to it.

 

 

40:45 min

Aaron’s Client Story

Sometimes our patterns are hiding in plain sight.

His client was already engaged to the man of her dreams, and she was still struggling to find approval and love. She was trying to get her partner to see her value. She got lost in trying to prove her self.

Everything she worried about was in her head.

Many times it’s the negative conversations in our head that need an interrupt.

Our pain gets so loud some times

Change the lens and the perspective.

 

 

42:45 min

Key #3 - Unleash invisible boundaries

 

Problems you may encounter…

1. Neglecting your needs to meet the wants, needs, or demands of others

2. Felling unseen, unheard, mute or inauthentic

3. Tired of being a mediator, savior, or rescuer of others

4. Being scared to set a boundary

5. Fear of disapproval or backlash

 

There’s an opportunity to know when to repair a rupture.

Also Knowing when to walk away when it’s a hot moment.

Providing a buffer if there’s toxic energy.

Help your partner without going into a codependent caretaking mode.

Understanding What’s about them vs you.

Use proximity, environment, clear language, and asserting yourself when setting boundaries.

 

 

45 min

Jenny’s uses Scripts which she got from Terri Cole

A lot of times humans go into freeze mode, you have the words ready right in front of you.

If she and her partner have a conflict, she pulls out a script.

Watch out for narcissistic Schedule bombs.. bombing changes at the last minute and expect everyone to change for them.

Go back to the original plan.

 

 

47:10 min

Aaron brings up caretaking vs care giving and knowing the difference.

If you are caretaking, then you’re wanting something out of it.

 

Aaron Client’s story…

She doubted herself around a toxic Aunt.

Her husband said “Press eject” from the thoughts that are holding you back and keeping you stuck.

Don’t take emotional responsibility for the other person.

Interrupt thoughts and that will interrupt behavioral patterns.

 

So what do you want your story to be this year ?

Go from ___ to ___ in ____ amount of days/months.

What will that look like for you ?

 

 

 

50:35 min

Jenny and Aaron Outro

We hope that you enjoyed this years presentation of Deck the Halls, Not Your Family and that it equipped you to have a fun holiday and be memorable for all of the right reasons.

1. You CAN cultivate safe, enjoyable connection with your family all while staying sane.

2. You CAN experience epic AND authentic communication that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members and friends.

3. You can use YOUR invincible boundaries and break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family & friends.

 

Take Action and get support..

Maybe you are hoping for support.

Jenny and Aaron are offering Pay What You Can Coaching during the Holiday Season to a select few.

 

You can connect with Aaron here..

Aarontosti.com/yourempoweredself

 

You can connect with Jenny and book a complimentary call with her here…

jennyrain.as.me

 

We would love to encourage you to have a wonderful holiday season.

We want you to love the crap out of yourself and your family.

Have some jingle bells, tinsel, and your favorite holiday songs.

Merry Holidays !!

 

53 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

Aaron talks with Angie Pollachi about her perspective on healing trauma, but not taking trauma too personally, and shares some funny moments from her own personal life

 

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

 

SHOW NOTES

Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

45 sec

A lot of people take their trauma personally...

And it should be taken seriously, but sometimes

...Maybe people think that they’re crazy or that they’re the only one

or that they need to hold onto and cling to it.

But trauma is just a thing that happens and your body hold onto it to protect you from happening again.

Until we unburden that past experience from our nervous system we'll continue to stay stuck

My conversation with Angie Pollachi, who has a great sense of humor and who learned in the same camp about trauma and the nervous system.

How the nervous system has different survival responses like hide, fight, freeze, fawn and even passing out when you get to overwhelmed.

She has a unique look at unpacking trauma, healing, feeling liberated from trauma and it starts with knowing that we’re all human and to not take it so personally.

Angie is a Somatic and Emotional Healing Coach.

Plus she shares some funny moments in her dating life and going into relationships with a "growth edge" approach.

Enjoy.

 

 

2 min

Angie’s gets asked out in a weird way..

She got asked out by a German women who switched from German to English, “ I find you sexually attractive”

Angie didn’t know what to do but said “thank you but no.”

 

 

4:10 min

Aaron has learning to accept more compliments.

In the past Aaron has past Aaron couldn’t receive them, but now he takes a 2 sec pause to acknowledge it.

Aaron grew up around a lot of sarcasm.

But it’s like buying someone coffee, at first you might want to push back but instead say, “cool I’ll receive it”

Don’t attaching a big story to it.

 

 

6:40 min

Aaron made a smooth move on his own birthday breakfast and paid for it.

 

 

7:30 min

Aaron makes Angie’s official introduction.  Angie Irish, Scottish, and italian with a side of Catholic guilt.

Angie is interest in anything within the human experience.

She was in Marketing for a while, then found other things and did Yoga teacher training for 3-4 years.

 

 

9:30 min

Angie thought there’s more to it than this and started looking into the emotional side and what’s underneath ?

Embody emotional experiences.

Feel your emotional experience but also do the thing.

She wanted to learn more about patterns and behaviors.

 

 

11:50 min

Feeling liberated and not being defined by your Trauma

Trauma conjures up quick dramatic things. Like “fireworks of explosive experience.”

But there is also “candle moments”

But then what is it like to walk around a massive room full of candles.

We’re looking for the explosive but it’s the little ones that surround you

 

 

 

14:45 min

Learning about the little moments that build up, then you get stuck.

Trauma work helped her understand “I’m actually not that crazy”

You’re just a normal human.

It’s the continual pattern that makes us hold onto stuff.

Aaron loves one-liners

 

 

17 min

It becomes a lifestyle shift in your approach.

Trauma hopefully won’t be such a hard pill to swallow in the future.

Making it less stigmatizing.

“We’re searching for things that make sense of our experiences” - Angie

I’m the problem its me.. thanks T.Swift.

 

 

20:50 min

We’d all be better if we went into relationships seeing it as a growth edge.

Intermittent everything.

What do you really want that’s in a romantic relationship.

What would I have to do outside of my comfort zone.

Saying “I’m so empathetic” might be

Going into all relationships as a growth edge

Everything should be “intermittent”

 

23:10 min

Aaron asks Angie about growth edge dating early on.

Putting awareness into action

 

24:10 min

A moment with a friend impacted Angie about always picking the wrong person.

She noticed she triggered her friend, where she touched on something sensitive but with an iron fist.

 

25:30 min

There was a part of Angie that wanted to apologize for hurting someone, but the next level up was asking “how did that feel for you?”

It person Angie into the place to hear.

Sometimes the need to apologize can be for trying to make yourself feel better.

Take in to account the other person’s experience.

 

 

41:40 min

A lot of people assume that if you don’t say something then there must not be a problem.

A healing moment of both people needing awareness.

Taking more responsibility in it myself.

We all need awareness.

 

 

30 min

Aaron still responds to the Computer voice.

Angie apologizes to escalators and revolving doors.

Soon escalators will start responding get triggered.

Angie gets bitchy with GPS’s

 

 

32:10 min

Aaron gets mad at walk signs that say “wait.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

Aaron might start coaching the walk sign.

 

 

33:20 min

Angie’s chicken joke about the patriarchy gets really intense.

 

 

34:10 min

How much of our culture is wrapping ourselves in bubble paper so that someone else doesn’t get hurt.

Polarizing on both extreme’s so that we get somewhere in the middle, so that  we’re not stuck in divisive spaces.

 

 

35:30 min

A lot of it is coming from your nervous system states.

Getting past the “stuckness” in the nervous system.

 

 

36:46 min

Fawning is more like gas and brakes on at the same time.

The other way to say it is turtle, tiger, possum pass out

Aaron said he was trying to be stoic but really he was fawning.

 

 

37:30 min

Angie “ I thought that was an endearing quality, turns out to be a trauma respond.”

You don’t want to unpack yourself so much you’re just an empty travel bag.

If the clothes are memories it’s like looking at all of your stained clothing.

The “inner work” get’s complicated

 

 

39 min

Angie’s Jeans analogy around working through trauma.

How much effort are you putting into it?

Aaron says, “this is dark but what about the abusive narcissistic jeans that still feel comfortable”

 

 

41:30 min

Aaron loves Angie’s analogy around trauma and healing.

It’s like Dating, going into a clothes store and trying on different jeans.

How is AI effecting the dating world?

 

 

43 min

Angie says the AI is helping with communication in Dating.

Aaron says it’s like the same dating problems but amplified.

Angie asked, “Is AI just disempowering everyone ?”

Christmas cards are going to get real involved.

 

 

45:50 min

We didn’t get into anxiety vs intuition.

Where to get in touch with Angie..

Free regulating things and other things

Aaron gets Angie’s last name spelling

Instagram.com/Angie_P_coaching

Aaron jacked up Angie’s last name trying to make it more Italian.

 

 

44 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

Aaron talks with Jaden Hummel about how she helps people find whats aligned to them in their life, whether thats relationships, career, or purpose.. and shares about how she came into a golden alignment with her partner, and how to be in good energy and flow.

 

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

 

SHOW NOTES

Intro

0 sec

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

45 sec

Jenny and Aaron Holliday Workshop

Aaron: 

Are you secretly dreading the holidays?

 

Jenny: 

Maybe you’re thinking about that ONE family member that always grates on your last nerve…

Or the friend who inevitably will create a drama triangle RIGHT before a big event

 

Aaron:

You try to make the best of it but behind the scenes you just want the holidays to be OVER already

Is this you??? 

Jenny & I invite you to join our free annual workshop, "Deck the Halls, Not your family: 3 keys for Stress-Free Holidays"

This entertaining & informative workshop will give you practical tools to not only SURVIVE holiday gatherings, but have a darn good time with them as well

 

Jenny: 

We'll dive deep into three essential keys, specifically designed to help you THRIVE and enjoy your holiday gatherings with family & friends… 

 

Key 1: Don’t deck! Connect! 

Cultivate safe, enjoyable connection with your family all while staying sane. 

Key 2: Communicate CONFIDENTLY

Experience epic AND authentic communication that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members.

Key 3: Master Your Invincible Boundaries

Unleash a set of invincible boundaries and break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family & friends.

 

Aaron: 

If you're ready to have a heap of fun and get hyped for a holiday to remember, grab your garland and tinsel because this workshop is tailor-made for you. 

 

Jenny: 

Register today and share with a friend: jennyrain.com/deckthehalls

 

 

3:10 min

Alignment.. what does this word mean?

I’ve heard this term often in the coaching world, in the spiritual communities.. what does it freaking mean?

I bought good friend Jaden Hummel, to talk about this. She has a coaching program called Exponential Alignment, This is what she does, she helps people find whats aligned to them in their life. Whether thats relationships, career, or purpose.. and even what lights you up !

I find what she does really interesting. So many times in the coaching world they talk about goal setting, but she actually has a slowing down process.

She talks about how she came into a golden alignment with her partner, and how to be in good energy and flow. With out any other further due.. here’s Jaden.

 

4:25 min

Jaden is Aaron’s hero about the topic of alignment.

Who started talking about alignment? Abraham Hicks?

Jaden says she has been thinking about alignment since she was in the womb.

First time Jaden was not aligned was working at a marketing agency.

Her health and energy levels took a hit.

 

7:25 min

Aaron quotes Jaden from instagram.

“Alignment isn’t just your career path, it’s how your values align with your decisions.”

Bro marketing is not primal, no one else is alive is calling web funnels are “primal”.

Let’s not forget those little decisions that make you aligned.

You pick your career and do it the best you can.

What actually matters is our relationships, the way we interact with the earth, etc..

You should do aligned work, but let’s not forget what life is… the decisions that make you whole.

 

10 min

Aaron says that Your purpose chooses you, and your career comes alongside your purpose.

Don’t put so much pressure on a capitalistic career

“When you follow your energy & highest alignment - you’ll always be led to the right people, places, and opportunities.”

“People think it’s a risk to take a chance on their dreams, when the real risk is to live a life that doesn’t align to your soul.”

“The scariest thing you can do is live a life that isn’t aligned to you”

- Jaden Hummel

 

 

12 min

Jaden talks with People all of the time about alignment.

The number one regret of the dying, is wishing they were more true to themselves.

We are here for a reason.

No identity crisis, want to head towards who I am.

 

14 min

When you’re doing things you like, you are in a good mood.

When you’re in a good mood, you smile and talk to people

Being in good energy

Thats when you’re open to synchronicity and the most magnetic.

You’re being in energy of receptivity.

Only way to have opportunities is to be in good energy.

When someone is doing well in their life, you want to be around that.

 

 

16:40 min

Aaron ran into a different version of himself at a coffee place. They had studied all of the same things. That guys was living his purpose.

We need the energy of alignment to feel good about the stuff thats tough.

All we want is energy and to feel good.

 

19 min

Whats not working? You’re not doing something that lights you up!

It’s always as simple as alignment.

All clients are perfect little snowflakes.

Community and conversation around what I want to do and could be working.. it’s not something you figure out in one month… it takes a lifetime sign up.

It takes community and constant reflection.

It’s not about whats missing, it’s about whats getting in the way.

Are you down for the alignment conversation? It’s a slowing down.

Setting goals is good, but alignment comes first.

We don’t just want money… we want to be happy and have energy.

 

 

23 min

It’s hard to market.

Aaron says to Jaden, “ You really believe in what you do.”

People don’t want to be sold anything…really.

They want more of what they are attracted to, and less of what they are repelled by.

Making money and exceed goals is good, but not without all of the other things.

Set your business up to function like nature.

Our alignment is our soil, if you have good soil anything is going to grow.

It’s so simple, yet we over complicate things.

 

25:50 min

Aaron asks Jaden about alignment in relationships…

Relationships also need good foundations, and “soil”

Relationships highlight everything.

Alignment for Jaden is knowing what she values and what matters to you. It would be misaligned otherwise.

Are you willing to stand for what matters to you?

Being able to understand what matters to you, then have the ability to share that. It gets you where you’re going.

 

 

28:20 min

What you value and what you care about is in “the soil?”

What you’re growing on is clean like honest communication.

Does this feel good for both parties?

Bring alignment out of your head and into the world.

 

 

 

30 min

All relationship health comes from awareness.]

Jaden is constantly speaking, so she’s usually not missing a beat.

 

31 min

Jaden tells the golden moment about her and her partner meeting.

She had a bad concussion, and she couldn’t snowboard.

Jaden happened to go to Chris’ Art Show. She had just smacked her head.

She had a guided meditation and vision to live in CA.

People claim that it was Chris’ rockstar moment. Starting his career, turning pro, and meeting the love of his life… but the relationship ended moving slow.

They had to communicate a lot. There was a physical move that had to be made.

 

34:20 min

Jaden met her partners parents at the same time.

Aaron Talks about “If the Buddha dated” and crawling into love. And it’s more about bonding over time.

Slowing down and really enjoying life. Also enjoying each step of the relationship journey.

People need to enjoy the moment, instead of being in a rush.

 

 

36 min

When you figure everything out… you’re dead.

Jaden is averse to people being in a rush.

When you try to get past where you’re at, then you’re going to get to the next part and not enjoy that.

It’s the same with relationship

 

 

37:40 min

Not so urgent and attached, which brings in the coping mechanisms and stress.

Imagine if you spend the whole time worry about the other person when you’re not together.

Jaden is cautious about wasting the moment away.

 

40  min

Practice intermittent caring. Care about the thing that’s in front of you. When the mind wants to move away from that, then you’re not really present.

The relationship is solid, so Jaden doesn’t spend her time worrying.

Back to alignment… creating a life that has integrity.

Giving yourself the ability to not have to worry about someone.

Just f*cking communicate, and do what feels good and respect other people.. so we can all enjoy life.

How can this be simple ?

Go to therapy if you can’t figure it out.

 

41 min

Wrapping up.

If it’s in alignment you can give me a call.

Be a self sustaining being of alignment.

Jaden has a program called Soulship and other called Exponential Alignment.

Jaden’s Podcast is called: Everyday is a Breakthrough

https://www.instagram.com/jadenbhummel/

Let us know if you got something from this and you enjoyed this.

If it feels true and good to you. Do it.

Cheers

 

 

44 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

Tamar Gail makes a redemptive return to talk with Aaron about healing from an abusive relationship while sharing a funny dating story, the best compliment she's ever received, and how important being your authentic Self is in dating and relationships.

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

 

SHOW NOTES

Intro

00:00 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

40 sec

Beginning Narration

Welcome back...

If you've just tuned in to TKOL Podcast. There's been a little shift.

Over the past 10 years I've been doing self development work, and started this podcast as a way to share what I I've learned as a Coach..

...but it just got so serious there for a minute. And I realized that sharing peoples stories is what's most impactful.. and when we can look back and laugh at the past, it shows we've evolved forward.

My guest this episode is Tamar.

She is returning as a redemption to a past episode. She talked about connecting to your sensuality, but at the time was recovering from an abusive relationship

So she's back to share that story and how as a women of the healing arts, she has found it vital and an expression of self-love to return to the inner work after a toxic relationship.

Tamar is a teacher, coach, spiritual guide, shaman with 24 years experience in women’s health, holistic healing, wellness, feminine shamanic traditions and natural birth.

If you’d like to connect with her you can visit tamargail.com or find her on instagram @tamargail

She shares some funny dating stories, the best compliment she's ever received, and we talk about how much being your authentic Self is so important in dating and relationships..

… and some of the healing work she’s recently been up to.

 

 

2:15 min / 3:15 min - Intro to Tamar

Tamar does all of the healing things…

..and she is a certified Doula

She has not practiced since she was in France.

Tamar loves putting the power back in women’s hands.

 

4:10 min

Tamar’s been in the healing arts since 1999

 

 

4:30 min

Aaron Talks about how everything you want is on the other side of the “inner work”

Tamar says, “and thats a good intro for me to Make Up for Last time”

Last episode they had such a good conversation before the episode and didn’t know what to talk about when it came time to record.

Tamar had taken a 2 year sabbatical from her work.

Last podcast, Tamar had gone through an abusive relationship and had ignored her inner knowing.

She could not understand how someone doing similar work as her could be so abusive.

 

6:50 min

After Tamar had a divorce she walked into a toxic relationship, but her heart wasn’t open.

She was in lock down, he broke her leg, and put a knife to her throat.

She thought it wouldn’t effect her, but when she returned to the U.S. she realized that it did.

She got back into the healing work for herself. She sat at her parents in the forrest and did all of her work.

 

8:50 min

The part that was missing was that Tamar knew she had to get back into a relationship to heal.

It was scary at first, and the first person she met was a “test” and he was very similar as her ex.

She started to trust herself this time and the next few men Tamar dated were incredible.

…little by little it helped.

 

10:40 min

Aaron said, “It’s changing the purpose around your relationship.”

Tamar said, “It’s made me stronger”

“It brought it back to you” - Aaron

 

11:20 min

It’s like instead of going into relationships to see what you can get out of it, go into them with the purpose to heal.

What does a secure relationship look like ? And not be so tied up in an anxious outcome.

It teaches you to be secure within yourself.

Each can bring a balance to the other in a healthy way.

 

13 min

The most loving thing Tamar had to do for herself was coming back to herself and doing the healing work.

God and the universe said “Nope, you’re coming back to do the work.”

This was a good mirror for Aaron, he’s been integrating mind, body soul

 

14:20 min

Love yourself through the things that come up in the present moment.

Honor where you are and go a little deeper each time.

 

15 min

Aaron asks about the funniest way Tamar’s ever been asked out.

Tamar said the guy who was a “Test” chased her down the isle and he said “does that mean you don’t date”

She prayed “God you’re going to have to send some guy to my front door, cause I’m not going out.”

 

 

17 min

One pet peeve that Tamar hates is when guys go “pst” to get her attention. She would ignore them and they would keep doing it. So she would turn around and tell them to open a door.

Who wants to be called out with an animal noise?

 

18:25 min

When new followers who advertise to him, Aaron says “hard pass.”

Aaron got AI dating advise … on post was about “pan-dating” and another was a laptop and on the screen is says “before you date someone have them use a computer with slow internet.”

 

 

19:30 min

They say to wait a few dates in to catch red flags when you’re in early dating.

Tamar is herself and does that for a reason when she dates.

Aaron asks, “Please be your authentic self.”

Being an empathetic person you can tell when someone isn’t being authentic.

Aaron Jokes… “Show me your most inauthentic self first.”

 

 

21 min

Tamar talks about how authenticity is so important.

When we can be our authentic self first, it attracts who likes us as our authentic self.

Tamar likes when she meets guys in her bathing suit with no make up.

Go be you.

Tamars favorite compliment is “you’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met”

It means someone likes you for who you truly are, and that you’re different than everybody else.

 

 

23 min

Tamar shares a story about a great date where she opened up about this vision she had.

And her date was really in it with her, and told her she was the weirdest girl he had ever met.

It means a man sees a women like no one else.

“We’re falling in mutual weirdness together.” - Dr. Suess

 

25:50 min

Tamar talks about a workshop and zoom call she did after getting back to the healing work.

Welcome to the redemption part of this episode.

Tamar talks about the 3 activation points to step into your embodied feminine.

She encouraged them to breath into the pelvis and just by doing that, it’s so important for activating feminine energy

You are activating your life force energy.

 

 

28:15 min

Being totally aware and that present is not something we're used to, so it’s retraining the body.

It’s fascinating how the breathe is so simple, but so important for healing trauma.

Tamars journey brought her to her traumatic birth

She would hold her breathe while running track.

Aaron also went into the incubator when he was born due to shortness of breathe and possible brain damage.

 

 

31:20 min

Aaron’s been focusing on his breathe, and stirred up a lot of emotions.

Kick boxing helped Tamar move through trauma.

Like yoga, you are being present and noticing whatever comes up.

Tamar says we don’t realize how the first few minutes of birth can have an effect on how we create in life

Aaron mentions how it also effects your attachment and proximity to mom or a nurturing caregiver.

 

 

34 min

Tamar is back in Miami, grounded and doing breathe workshops.

Breathing is so powerful for healing trauma.

Her client was working through all sexual energy.

The kundalini energy joins in the heart, and can bring up something on a collective level and heal trauma in a somatic way.

It releases DMT in the brain.

 

 

36:45 min

Dreams were coming up for her client around having intercourse with someone, but that was her working through the shadows.

That person represented another aspect of her.

You’re healing and accepting parts of yourself.

It has to be integrated instead of ignored.

That shadow part was created to protect

 

 

38:14 min

Aaron gets “tweaked” when talking about “self love”

Cause you’re talking about loving those parts of yourself.

Tamar says “it’s not all like this, but one client went home and astral traveled.”

It brings new meaning to the phrase “getting high on your own supply.”

 

 

39:50 min

Tamar’s been studying a new course and getting clear.

Tamar is in her flow !

Tamar said, “It’s been good to catch up, Aaron. It’s been too long.”

 

 

40:30 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.

 

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

Aaron talks with his very first self-love client, Kira, about how she went from past toxic relationships to relaxing into a safe, secure relationship with her husband.

 

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

 

SHOW NOTES

Intro

00:00 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

40 sec

Beginning Narration

It’s funny how things work out sometimes. How we go through different phases and chapters in our lives.. and hopefully learn to laugh off the past, having a leg up on the future.

And when it comes to having a great partnership, it takes a level of self - awareness to understand how you are showing up in a relationship, what patterns you bring with you, and understanding what you really want so you don’t self-neglect, and say yes to something that’s in your best interest.

My guest this episode os actually my first self-love client, Kira.

I invited Kira to share her story, how she was a little nervous getting into a healthy relationship, because when you become familiar with unhealthy relationships.. it can feel anxious getting into a relationship that’s actually secure, safe, and feels good .. because.. you’ve never experienced anything like it before or had that modeled for you..

So Kira shares her story about relaxing into a secure relationship, getting engaged in India, and a a funny story on a toxic ex she used to date before she met her now husband.

 

2 min

Where it all began… on zoom.

Aaron asks what Kira is up to now.

Aaron met Kira she was dating her now husband and now she has a family and bought a house.

Aaron brought up how the different pockets of LA are for different eras of your life.

 

 

3:55 min

Kira’s introduction  & enneagram number…

Aaron Introduces Kira as… Mom, Enneagram 3… dominating and winning. OBVIOUSLY.

Kira was already down with the enneagram before coaching with Aaron. She is a Big Taylor Swift Fan and things Taylor is definitely got to be an Enneagram 3.

Aaron and Kira joke about how you can’t tell other enneagram types what their number.

 

 

6:10 min

Aaron thanks Kira for coming on to the show and reminds her that she’s his very first self love client.

Kira found out about Aaron and hired him as a coach after listening to an older episode of TKOL Podcast.

Kira grew up as a Southern Californian evangelical.

She wanted to reach out because of the framework Aaron was using to coach and she felt like “he might get me”.

 

 

7:50 min

What Kira got out of coaching around “the stories we tell ourselves” doing the inner work…

She has just got out of toxic, abusive relationship and into a new relationship with her now husband.

She knew the patterns she was in.

She didn’t feel good enough for the love that she wanted

 

 

9:05 min

Aaron remembers their first discovery call…

Kira was taking about comparing herself to to other people.

It was that feeling of always talking down to yourself, that Kira and Aaron could relate to.

Aaron said he remembers laugh because Kira on the first call said, “I’m already engaged to the man of my dreams.”

She was having a hard time connecting all of the pieces between everything she had always wanted, but didn’t feel all of the old spiraling feelings in the toxic relationships.

She asked Aaron for guidance.

 

 

10:30 min

Kira asked her self, “Is this real love? Am I really in love or am am I taking advantage of this guy?”

After having an unhealthy pattern in past relationships and realizing she might be the problem.

She wanted to shift the pattern.

Aaron says, “Sometimes things just become familiar, so the unfamiliar becomes unsafe.”

She thought she might be leading this guy on, and she wanted to be all in.

It wasn’t like the past relationship where people slam doors and run out into the street and say “no wait you’re the love of my life.”

“I’ve never felt grounded and at peace before… something must be wrong.” - Kira

 

 

12:50 min

What made Kira shift and want to move forward in the relationship.

Kira answered, “I coached with you.”

Aaron asks Kira was the marker for knowing that “this is a yes for me”.

 

 

13:35 min

Kira was able to relax into the connection…

Kira said she realized she could relax into a safe relationship.

… a feeling of safety and green flags.

She didn’t have to worry that he was playing games, go anywhere, or not see her value.

 

 

14:05 min

Aaron asks about negative self talk..

He had given Kira some positive practices to combat negative thoughts.

She stopped trying to over analyze and shot negative thoughts down.

She said, “This is good ! It’s like learning a new healthy version of love”.

Instead of shooting down your partner, shooting down your own negative thinking.

 

 

15:17 min

Looking back now, what was the biggest impact…

Kira shifted the way she views love in a positive way.

She has higher expectation for herself, her relationship, and Husband

She now tries to remember to practice not thinking about herself or circumstances as negatively.

 

 

16:15 min

Catching yourself is the victory…

If you’re overthinking facing self doubt, or comparing yourself.. it’s about catching yourself.

Kira says sometimes the pendulum swings to saying things like  “I’m neurotic deal with it.”

Aaron says, “Don’t talk to my friend like that.”

Kira is proud of her neurosis.

 

 

17:38 min

Love that part of yourself…

They both laugh and Kira comments... are you sure you don’t want that other coaching call?

Sometimes comedians can be dark but there’s a level of playful self desperation

 

 

18:33 min

How Kira and her husband started dating…

Kira and her husband used to work together, but she was going through a bad break up with someone else.

Her now husband was respectfully flirty with her. He was always light hearted and never over the line

 

 

20:11 min

Kira used to call her husband “party boy USA”

Her friend challenged her.

Kira just assumed she’d quit her job when her husband was straight forward when they dated

He asked Kira if she would delete the dating apps if they were going to be serious.

 

 

21:16 min

Kira appreciated that her husband said, “We’re adults lets communicate clearly.”

It gave Kira the space to make her own decision.

He pursued Kira in a non-needy way and was direct and clear.

 

 

22:35 min

Kira says, he’s still like that after 5 years…

Her husband doesn’t like therapy.

We don’t diagnose in coaching, just to be clear.

 

 

23:20 min

How her husband proposed…

He took Kira to India.

Kira was genuinely surprised.

Jewelry in India are called “ornaments”, they all went to the jewelry store and there were guys with guns out front.

It was a hectic process of buying ring.

 

 

25:07 min

Here husband gives her the choice for how she was getting engaged...

Kira thought the engagement was going to happen at the end of the vacation.

She was wearing traditional Indian clothes because she was told they were going to a fish festival.

But they never needed up going.

 

 

27:50 min

He gets down on one knee…

He takes her in his mom room and asks if she wants to be apart of his family.. forever.

It was a sneaky way to get her all dressed up.

It was all a surprise set up.

 

 

28:40 min

Kira was Sent a picture of the ring in the box by her husbands daughter, and asked “Will you marry my stupid dad?”

They had a big dinner instead of the fish festival.

 

 

29:42 min

Aaron asks, “was that TKOL you wanted?”

Kira says “I’ve been amazed every day”

Gone through phases, and it keeps getting better

 

 

30:24 min

Aaron says “ I had nothing to do with this, you have a magical relationship.”

Kira said coaching with Aaron helped her relax into a sense of safety.

She said her husband was so sure,  and she didn’t want to be unsure.

 

 

31:38 min

It’s a choice to love someone..

Getting clear about the relationship

Coaching with Aaron helped Kira sort through the unwanted patterns.

 

 

32:34 min

Kira is winning and the Enneagram 3 affirmation Jar

Kira won the relationship with herself.

Kira is winning at life.

 

 

33:02 min

Remembering past weird dates…

Kira has other friends with weird love stories that are invited on the podcast.

Use to be with abusive people

 

 

34:12 min

Kira’s Ex told her friends he wasn’t an alcoholic..

He tricked her into by saying, “Just between you and me”

Friend thought Kira was drunk all of the time...

Wasn’t romantic, but abusive…

 

 

35:55 min

Looking back as an adult and a mom now

Kira realized she her ex had Creeper vibes

911 had to tell Kira‘s ex that he wasn’t gonna die.

 

 

37 min

Aaron asked What does self development/therapy world needs

There’s a lot of reflecting to a place of pain

Celebrate growth, and feeling good.

Sometimes there’s too much self diagnosing in the self development world.

 

 

38:30 min

What post traumatic growth

Not feel trapped self development purgatory

 

39:29 min

Thank you, Kira!

Can we laugh about the past and move forward?

 

46:30 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

 

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

In this episode Aaron talks with Relationship Coach, Jenny Rain, about facing conflict in a healthy and even sometimes funny way. It’s about telling your truth, being heard, and how to navigate emotional activating moments.

 

SHOW NOTES

Intro

00:00 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

40 sec

Beginning Narration

Everyone loves conflict right? Ha!

If that were the case I think a lot of life would be much easier to navigate if we could embrace conflict better and learn how to resolve it in a healthy way.

To help unpack that conversation…

I'm excited to introduce you to my friend, Relationship Coach and fellow trauma-informed practitioner.. Jenny Rain.

Jenny and I met in the same trauma-informed practitioner camp. We share a similar sense of humor about the process of healing relationships.

We chat about doing our own inner work while going through the trauma-informed process, share each other’s approach to conflict, plus some funny, helpful ways to bring the inner work into conflict in a little lighter, accessible way.

Jenny is finalizing her PHD Candidacy and also brings other modalities like brain spotting into her coaching.

We cover a lot in this episode about the inner work, being a wounded healer, power dynamics in business, emotional regulation, playfully responding in conflict, responding in kindness and honesty, what to do when you are emotionally activated/ triggered, conflict resolution between men and women… and it all ends with a funny story on how Jenny's family dealt with conflict during the holidays.

It might get serious, it might get funny.. here we go..

 

 

2:15 min

Jenny able to people that are deconstruction from religious trauma, and it’s so interesting that relationship and relationship healing are so similar.

 

2:53 min

Aaron said that everything in the last year and a half is a ironic bitch slap in the face by the universe.

After become a trauma informed, life purpose coach… he feels like he lost a sense of purpose and got re-traumatized for a moment.

 

3:35 min

It’s about the wounded healer…

No one tells you how much the inner work is going to help you, but you have to do the work.

Aaron starts to tear up sometimes when helping clients.

 

 

4:33 min

“The wounded child I see in you I see in myself.” - Aaron

The patterns and parts in the client reflect where you’ve been.

But you can’t let the wounded partner drive.

Jenny teases Aaron for typing “Thera-couching… and Aaron replied with “Siri is gaslighting me.”

Talk about a toxic relationship right ?

 

5:37 min

We are going to talk about our favorite topic.... CONFLICT!

No one has to deal with conflict right ?

Jenny was shocked at a statistic that said that Women avoid conflict at twice the rate of men, and are least likely to repair.

The #1 question Jenny gets is “How do I handle this conflict?"

Jenny helps them have a healthy framework.

It’s like the angry women wondering if she should walk on egg shells.
Women can read the room, and back out before they step into it

 

 

8  min

Especially the Power dynamics in Business settings, conflict gets really uncomfortable.

If someone hasn’t had healthy conflict modeled as a child - people are either aggressive or avoidant
Kid’s aren’t taught how to navigate conflict.

 

8:50 min

Aaron and Jenny joke about how Aaron loves conflict. Aaron loves to take on all of the conflict of the room, and let the mind de-web of inner chaos.

People have a hard time saying what's true for them, and that seems whats underneath.

"How's the other person going to react based on my truth "

Jenny says to be totally honest and totally kind, but as this necessary at this time?

But if anything hijacks you, it seems like that frame work doesn’t exist.

 

10:45 min

That’s called emotional disregulation.

But you have to get to center in the order of regulate, relate, then reason.

Aaron tells clients, it's ok to feel totally of, and just PAUSE the conversation.

Jenny talks about certain times to talk, her rule is “No conflict before coffee.”

Jenny says it’s about learning to have certain  safe phrases when conflict comes.

Some times Jenny’s partner verbally processes talk over her internal processing.

Jenny “will just say “I need a minute" and Pause

 

12:50 min

Aaron has heard of couples using playful cues. They will play hide and seek, liking hiding behind the couch.
It pulls in PLAY which is the opposite of trauma and toxic behavior.

When Jenny gets activated, she gets lost for words.

 

14:00 min

When Aaron gets active, he breaths.

Aaron is a man of few words, and often stumbles over his words.

So Aaron practices a lot of active listening.

The chatter in the mind that is happening Aaron notices it, but knows not completely address it when listening to someone else. It usually comes back.

Allow yourself to slow down, and say what you mean.

Knowing when someone is not ready to hear what I have to say.

 

15:20 min

Aaron was in a group open conversation. Everyone had already said their piece, so all said was”I feel x y and z, and asked "is this the best response?"

It’s a small statement and a question.

 

 

16:00 min

Ideas are like arrows, straight and to the point. Aaron has had to do a lot of practice around that.

Jenny reflects on Aaron handling conflict and said Aaron has a calm steady presence.

It’s about stepping outside yourself and look at the 40k ft view to ask the best healing question.
And also doing reflective listening.
Taking time out before we come to judgments

 

 

 

17:20 min

So much of conflict is the somatic stories and the meaning we give it in our brain.

Some times you’re flooded with emotions.

It’s about slowing down and putting distance between you and an activated part.
Shockingly enough it is possible to stay regulated in conflict

 

 

18:30 min

Aaron says that everyone should buy a boxing bag and have a room where they work out the activation.

Men amaze Jenny, “Guys can go out side, punch in each other in the nose, and now we're bro's"
It’s about moving through the emotion

Jenny said we’ve lost the ability to have healthy conflict and "the public square”.

People don't know how to fight fair, and hit below the belt.

You can’t have a satisfying  relationship with someone if you haven’t learned the skills to have a disagreement in a healthy way.

 

20:30 min

That comes from the greater global community, where we’re loosing the ability to debate and have dissagreeemt… the micro and the macro.

It’s like hiding behind our cars

I watch a friend tear up after expressing herself fully, because it’s scary, as the peace maker, to share the truth.

 

21:30 min

Often women are conditioned to be the "good girl”, and not take the lead or us their voice.

Women are silenced to not be able to state their needs and wants, and when they feel safe to express themselves it becomes vulnerable.

Create enough space for her, to express herself..

If a women can speak her truth, she feels safe, welcomed and validated.

 

23 min

The hardest lesson for Jenny was not to run from conflict in a relationship. If she had a need or want, she had to ask.

Jenny had a conversation with her partner where she told him “it’s more important to be heard than to get what she wants.”

Her partner became a student of her, and her needs and wants.

Her partner said, “I need to know" if this is one of those moments.

Be able to hold what we want for need in conflict, is massively helpful.

 

 

25 min

Jenny tells her clients that don’t feel heard in conflict…

It’s about honesty, so communicating that you’re not being heard.

Is it a pattern or micro moment?
I need to stop you, and I just need to know I’m being heard.

You can't make someone hear and understand you, it’s physically impossible.

It’s more important to hear your voice than get what you want.

If you’re noticing that it’s a pattern you have to ask if this is going to be team player or not.

Is this a one time thing or a pattern?

 

27:40 min

Jenny asks Aaron what he does.

People can get hung up on the micro moments being patterns.and think

Aaron shifts things in the moment. You are always showing and teaching someone the response that you are looking for.

Aaron is all about the PAUSE.

Whats the response that you need right now?

Give yourself what you need and what's in your best interest.

Like saying, ”um but", I could have held a pause there instead of trying to get to my point faster.

Whats the response that you wish that you had?

You get the power to negotiate that moment with yourself

Model and Mirror back what you want to see in your relationship.

 

 

30:15 min

What Jenny saw Aaron do in the course correction in the moment, can be true for conflict.

Time out and say  “I need to rewind and let me try that again"

Remember that conflict is not a contest, then get curious, course correct, and show compassion.
Always remember that you're on the same team. You’re not fighting against each other but going towards a goal.

Don't make a micro issue a relationship defining moment.

 

32:25 min

Thats the straw that broke the camels back moment.

It’s the moments when we’re extremely activated and it’s asking yourself if you’re "in it" or "with it”

When you're activated, triggered, and in your whammy.

Be with that micro-moment, not in it. If you let that take over that becomes the somatic narrative.

If you get hijacked by your part, the conflict is being driven by that traumatized part.

People get hijacked and Jenny asks "who am I fighting with right now?" .. it's like a mask over who they are.

Conflict patterns come from family over origin dynamics.

Jenny says it's like “boxing with ghosts”, when a part of someone is fighting with a past family member.

 

 

35:55 min

Conflict is one of the best revealer of the inner work. Bingo Jenny you got it!

Thats just a part of that person reacting, so start naming your parts.

Can that part go off duty for a moment.

Being attuned to whats going on.

 

37 min

Aaron asks Jenny what she would suggest as first steps for someone who's thinking about getting a therapist or a life coach.

When you can't solve the issue, and you’ve done everything you can think of it. When you’re dating the same person different name with same issues.

Some people go straight to therapist, but Jenny would like to see people explore trauma-informed coaching. Therapist are becoming coaches now.

Aaron makes alphabet jokes...

Just get help.

 

38:45 min

Jenny tried for several years trying to do it on her own but it always got her back to the same place.

The only thing that Jenny knew was best to get support.

Jenny's partner is so thankful for her therapists.

People need support getting through relationship issues.

Jenny's teaches rupture and repair tools.

It's tools not tactics Aaron.

Jenny is launching her course called Courageous Conflict and another short workshop on Boundaries.

It’s about not being so fearful of conflict.

If we can get better at conflicts, all relationships will get better.

 

40:40 min

You've got to know the terrain and the “conflict landscape”… with landmines

Some people are walking landmines.

Jenny's funny way of disrupted a conflict and bring levity…

One side of Jenny’s family is conservative and the other is super liberal.

And the family would sing “Happy Holidays” carols   

 

 

42:30 min

Cory Wong has a reel on instagram where the new boy asks about music, the family gets into a fight over music.

And then then new boyfriend ask “so what do you think about politics?”

Each family member had extreme political views, but didn’t let politics get in the way

But Aaron likes the caroling… just find the one thing that you have in common.

 

44:40 min

This was fun.

Aaron loves chatting and asked Jenny back to bring the arsenal of modalities… parts work, IFS, and all of the things...

Jenny is a PhD candidate and will be hopefully be finalized by March of 2024.

Aaron's on the sideline rooting for Jenny !

 

 

46:30 min Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

 

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

Aaron talks to his good friend and branding consultant Wendell Moon about what your personal brand really means, and Wendell shares some funny stories about dating a con artist and more.

 

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Aaron Tosti and Eric Hood

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

 

SHOW NOTES

Intro

00:00 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

40 sec

Beginning Narration

I’ve been waiting for quite some time to introduce you to my good friend Wendell.

He’s apart of how this whole podcast got started.

Think of this episode as behind the scenes, letting you in on what this podcast is all about.

A while back I met my now good friend Wendell Moon, a Brand Architect and Coach.

He helped me think about my personal brand and strategy, and kind of a thumbprint you might say for how I wanted to approach TKOL.

I was really passionate about taking what I had learned as coach and my own self-development journey, and getting into the hands of others

Feeling like this was long form content, I asked Wendell to help me, and I thought I’d bring him on to tell that story, why I’m circling back to telling funny stories.. and you’ll hear about what he does.

Branding, Networking, Building a business all seemed impersonal and I had a lot of resistance at first.

Wendell brought a fresh perspective about personal branding.

It helped me think differently about it and  creating a podcast that would evolve..

Plus Wendell shares some funny dating stories..

And in true friendship form, Wendell and I start off the conversation bantering…

 

 

 

1:45 min

Coffee talk and riffing about monks, hops, gift shops, and scented candles.

 

 

3:10 min

This is Wendell and Aaron’s routine and rapport, to riff for about 5-10 minutes before it gets serious.

Wendell and Aaron oscillate from serious to ridiculous humor.

 

 

4:10 min

Wendell got introduced by someone saying,  “Wendell has A LOT of energy”.

They walk away from their time together always laughing. It’s like leaving through the “laughing gift shop”

But thats why Aaron brought Wendell in for an episode… It’s about lightening the load and bringing levity, but also… You gotta show up if you want to get it done.

 

 

 

———

5:30 min

Wendell’s “first love” story…

You never really know someone ‘til you’ve laughed with them.

A mentor said to Wendell… “If you love someone, sit down and do taxes with them.”

It’s important to do those real life things with your partner

It’s important to carve out time with your partner.

Time is never kind but it’s always available to those that decide it’s important.

 

 

7:20 min

“If you believe in something you have to make time for it” - Wendell Moon

Time is another word for attention. When we say “I don’t have time” , we really mean “we don’t know how to give it attention.

Woah, You just killed my vibe bro !

People have a hard time, eating their vegetable, they need to put ranch on them.

Quickest way to being a victim is throwing your hands up and saying “I don’t know”.

 

 

9:00 min

Wendell is a recovering people pleaser, and an Enneagram 3 with a strong 2 wing. He likes to help people, but he got too much identity out of how others feel.

There’s a lot of similarities between Aaron and Wendell grewing up in California in a conservative Christian culture.

Wendell had a college counselor assume some things about him because he was homeschooled.

Wendell had lived a lot of life before college.

 

 

12 min

Wendell was suppose to go through a special program. He had to take a test for it, then nailed it.

Wendell’s mentor was one of the first people that changed his mind about himself. Up until that point Wendell  thought he wasn’t smart.

 

 

13:45 min

Be humble but know your worth.

When we are talking about business relationships we are just talking about relationships. It’s really that simple. We complicated because we put expectation on others that are not based in real time.

Wendell has a big, strange, robust imagination.

Learning how to speak up for ourselves without reacting to the other person, is a powerful thing to learn.

Enjoy being you, enjoy life and having fun, and be a little more clear about what you need

Aaron gets relationship-y and talks about seeing the reflections in your relationships.

It might get loud, serious, loud and fun…. It’s all apart it

The most empowering thing is to ask what you need.

Find the freedom to be your most unapologetic, authentic self and attract what you’re looking for.

Thats when you really show up for yourself and become an active participant in the engagement of the experiencing you’re having.

 

 

———

16:40 min

Aaron says, “This is ‘the conversation about the conversation.’ and then gave Wendell a hard time for name dropping Rob Bell.

Do you feel the love?

Aaron brings up the podcast title and then jokes about how Wendell used to call it “THAT kind of love”

Originally, Wendell suggested to Aaron to set up the podcast episodically, which set up the TKOL Podcast  to evolve.

 

 

———

19:05 min

Wendell shares another Love Story…

Wendell found out that he dated a con artist.

He found out sipping Manhattan’s talking to his buddy who had dated the same person at the same time.

They laughed so hard the restaurant staff had to come over to check on them.

They both got played! They lost the relationship but they won the lottery, because they both dodged a huge bullet.

 

 

21:40 min

We just can’t see everything when we’re “in it”.  This is why we need relationships… we are relational beings.

We need people to call us out on our 💩

Wendell thanks his wife for calling him out when other people were taking advantage of him.

She helped him begin to reassess who he was giving his time and attention.

Wendell says, “Think about your ROI in your relationships.”

Take care of yourself so you can more effectively take care of others

If your needs are not being met, getting met move on.

 

 

23:50 min

People talk about being burnt out, but what are you giving your time and attention to?

You keep eating, drinking, consuming, and being around toxic things and people, no wonder you’re exhausted.

It’s the Zen of it all. Aaron talks about relationship as 3 energies… give, take and receive.

If you’re giving too much of your time and attention to something that’s not serving you, well then don’t give your time and attention to that thing, cause it’s not giving back what you’re here to do, be or experience.

- Aaron Tosti

 

 

———

25:10 min

What Wendell does…

Some say “ Wendell BS’s for a living.”

Wendell gives a quote from Gutzon Borglum who sculpted Mount Rushmore instead of telling us what he does.

“The faces are already in the mountain, it’s my job to bring them out.” - Gutzon Borglum

Thats what he does with branding, Wendell is a Brand Architect.

Helping Business leaders artichect brand experiences.

 

 

28:40 min

Aaron says, you gave me the full experience, before the pitch.”

Wendell says, “You lose people with the elevator pitch.”

For a min lets get to know one another.

Be human and share what’s relatable.

 

 

———

28:35 min

Aaron brings the conversation back to the con artist relationship story and asks Wendell…

“Was that TKOL you were getting that you didn’t want,

or … was that TKOL you wanted that you didn’t get.”

Wendell says, “Both”

Wendell’s relationship patterns… he had a trend of being the “savior” in his earlier relationships. He was always trying to save or help someone.

It wasn’t until his friends pointed it out

He would date bright, beautiful, aspirational women, and then be ghosted for weeks. They showed back up like nothing was wrong.

The people Wendell dated would be surprised when he asked very simple questions like… “Where have you been for several weeks.

Last thing he knew they were on the beach having fun talking about spending a life together, then he was ghosted for 2 weeks…. WTF ?

We don’t get to go backwards, but we do get “do-overs” as we move forward.

Looking back, that was a moment Wendell could have spoken up for his needs.

There was always a “victim story” from the other person.

 

 

32:05 min

So much of Wendell’s past relational patterns came from the environment he grew up in.

It was a culture where he was required to “help everyone” and be the general manager of the universe.

Wendell had other people call him out and help him see these things about himself.

This is why it’s important to have a therapist.

Therapists help you see things that you cant see for yourself.

Ask yourself, “What’s the role that I want to play?”

Do you want to enjoy your life, or do you want to be holding a heavy projection of yourself?

 

 

34 min

Relating to what Wendell was saying, Aaron shared that he got called out one time for dating “projects”. But, they’re people not projects.

That’s not the kind of love I’m looking for…

Wendell grew up in a lot of Trauma. And then he had to help people in high stress environments.

But… We go with what we know.

Am I attracting the things and people and relationships I want?

When we have clarity and find joy… we attract different kinds of voices.

 

 

35:45 min

Another love story… Wendell goes on a Tinder Date, before he meets his wife… also on tinder.

Wendell went on this tinder date that went from 0 to 1000 in 3 dates.

They were ready to come and live with him by that 3rd date.

It was going to be Wendell helping someone out of a hard situation again.

There was a lot of tears when he said no.

 

 

37:45 min

Don’t mistake intensity for intimacy….sometimes we don’t know if it’s a trauma response.. butterflies can be a trauma response.

And sometimes the intensities can pull us into roles we don’t want to play.

What Wendell was doing for work had a lot to do with rescuing people.

Don’t translate your competencies from biz relationships into romantic dating relationships.

You can’t get hung up on our partner’s words because of semantics, and then use that against them.

That was something Wendell had to face in his marriage.

Especially when our Identity is wrapped up in what we do not who we are.

 

 

____

40:40 min

This can happen with people where your identity is wrapped up in what we do, instead of who we are.

Wendell helps brands effectively talk about who you are not what you do.

We don’t like being sold to.. and we don’t like marketing

We want to connect with people that bring meaningful connection to our lives.

People that matter, you make time for.

It’s important for those making this world better, helping people get better, and are committed heart centered work…. To make sure the relationships in our lives are not on your to-do list.

 

 

43:30 min

Wendell shares getting better with business boundaries.

If we’re not careful we can confuse boundaries with isolation and rejection.

“Quietly work, let success speak up.” - Coors

It’s important to do the work.

“Freedom is on the other side of discipline.” - Wendell Moon

“I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”

― Joseph Campbell

 

 

45:25 min

It’s about being present.

We osillate from the present and the future.

This is often where people experience burn out is living both in the present, and years into the future

If you really want to set goals take care of you and those closest to you, then plan.

Be present, sharpening your axe, chop wood, rest and repeat.

…then zoom out and dream.

 

 

47:25 min

Aaron thanks Wendell for being apart of his journey… not being in the trenches, but along side.

… and for the Birthday Roast.

Wendell thanks Aaron.

And then there’s the short Japanese Whiskey Story where Aaron brought Wendell whiskey at 8:30 in the morning for a Branding Session.

Peace out !

 

 

49:20 Closing

Hey, Thank you so much for listening!

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

 

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

 

In this solo episode …

Aaron talks about the return to the podcast while sharing a bit of his self-development journey. He’s bringing it back full circle to the original idea his friend had… to tell funny love stories. ‘Cause love get’s weird sometimes... tell me about it.

 

thekindoflove.com

instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

Production by Eric Hood

Theme Music by Steve Wilmot

All other Music by Soundstripe

If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo

SHOW NOTES

Intro

00:00 min

Welcome back everyone... this is the official unpause of TKOL Podcast.

I have taken a break, only to return with a new tone to this podcast ... returning back to where it started and why I call it TKOL in the first place ..

I went through my own personal discovery starting with an emotionally focused therapy, and then love coaches that taught me about mindfulness, and then coming full circle into understanding the body and nervous system.

To sum it up.. I have a mind body and soul approach to healing and having healthy relationships.

And I want to take a lighter look at it…

 

:45 min

Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.

A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.

Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.

Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it

 

 

1:00 min - The conversation

Why did this podcast get so serious ?

Hi I'm Aaron, I’ve unpaused things at TKOL Podcast.

I wanted to give you an update, a pep talk, and a tell you a bit about my journey up until now.

 

2:15 min

I went back and listened to the first guest with my friend Josh who originally sparked the idea of the podcast.

I shifted the conversation for a while about the stories we tell ourselves, and the deeper meaning.

 

 

3:35 min

But, I just wanted to remember that love can be funny .. 

I went on a date, and I was putting a lot of pressure on it and my friend said to me “It’s either going to work out or be a funny story.”

Sometimes we go into relationships and put all of this pressure on relationships and it’s like that scene in Tommy Boy. 

But, can we take off the heavy facades that we carry around trying gain social approval and just love people once in a while?

 

5:30 min

Warning, this might get rant-y, funny, weird and even deep.

I tend to go deep and introspective, but talked to my dad and he said, “I don’t understand, can you hit me with the bottom line.”

Let’s hit dad with the truth

 

6 min

Sometimes you have to take a pause…

So you can go deep and unpeel all of the layers of your life... but then finally ask what is all of this  anyway?

Can I just have a night where I’m dating someone and we’re just laughing on the couch. 

The reason I paused was that things were just getting too heavy and deep.

 

 

7:20 min

I now reached “self development purgatory” from so much deep stuff.

Maybe you’ve worked with the stories we tell ourselves and other “thought work”

Maybe you’re working on an emotional approach to better health.

Maybe it’s about your physical health and getting stronger. 

… I went down that rabbit hole. 

I’m more of an analytical and so “the stories we tell ourselves” made sense.

Like the 90’s movie “Big Fish”... it is how you tell the story. 

 

9 min

Mental health is really about emotional health 

I was listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza meditations trying to manifest my love life and business in to existence.

You can change your thoughts all you want, but you have this whole thing below your neck called your nervous system that can take over and put you into a survival mode. 

I also got into the enneagram and other elf- help stuff.

 

10:25 min

Ten years ago I was sitting in front of a therapist how I messed up a relationship.

I started questioning my own patterns, but it got so serious.

But I needed to look within and do the inner work.

I wanted to change the patterns of my past and relationship patterswhich got me into all of this work. 

 

 

11:25 min

It all started with an EFT (emotionally focused therapy), talking about my emotions.

Noticed I was repeating myself and my patterns and what I was taking… AND it was getting kind of expensive.

Then I worked with "love" coaches and they helped me see how we become self fulfilling prophecies.

 

 

 

13 min

I got into all of the mental health things/

I started with mindfulness, observing my thoughts, and it helped me quit smoking.

It’s a form of “narrative therapy”.

But I did a lot of mediations

 

14 min

I would meditate and feel good for a few hours and then go back to feeling like garbage.

Why I am still sad, depressed, and stressed ?

But I was ignoring the body. 

Started doing work with Mastin Kipp who has brought awareness around the idea of how we wire ourselves for relationships down to our nervous system. 

I went down a mind, body, soul path. 

Let’s acknowledge all of it.

For instance, anxiety is really great for outrunning a predator, but not helpful when.

 

 

 

 

16 min

Brace yourself here comes a heavy word... trauma.

I heard that the opposite of trauma is humor and play, and I thought to myself “I’ve been going at this all wrong”

 

 

17 min

The podcast started with a very funny idea of Josh’s, and I’ve gotten away from it.

It all started with a funny book title

Introspection is interesting, going

But, Like can you also tell me a funny story?

Laughter is letting go and healing your wounds. So We’re going to start laughing from now on. 

We’re going to start sharing some weird stories.

 

 

 

18:50 min

I can't live in the "heavy" for too long... I need a pattern interrupt

Life can be light and easy and fun sometimes too.

And I just wanted to tell you that we’re changing things up.

 

 

 

 

19:40 min

Let’s have Josh back... write it in the review section that you would like to have Josh Hernandez back on TKOL Podcast.

I’m going to have some other familiar people back like coaches, therapists, and maybe even family.

I got “Why So Serious?” From the the movie, the Dark Knight.

Let’s get back to humor and play and long form content. 

 

 

 

21:30 min

Told you a little about my journey.

I and ended up coaching for my childhood therapist, it’s like your favorite band asking you to play with them if you were a musician.

 

 

22:30 min

Thanks for listening. We’re going to start having some fun.

Take a screenshot of your review about Josh Hernandez and send it to my DM on instagram.

And I’ll give you a surprise coaching session.

 

 

 

 

 

23:22 min - Closing 

 

Hey, Thank you so much for listening,

Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.

And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.

It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.

 

You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com

Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast

Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti

 

Thanks again, 

I’m Aaron.

Best of Love to You

 

Christie Heppenstall, a Coach & Time Strategist, returns this week to talk about how she found the key to being a high-aching women through self-love and time managment.

 

christieheppenstallcoaching.com

instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching

thekindoflove.com

Instagram.com/Aarontosti

SHOW NOTES

:25 min Aaron narrates

Self-love Language what is that? And what does that have to do with Time-management?

 

And what if moving forward and up word meant taking a moment to step back and examine how you’re running your life.

 

 

I brought Christie Heppenstall back in the second have of this conversation to tell you all this. Christie helps high achieving women, and typically  moms to up level their life.

 

We only have a limited amount of time in our life to experience what we want to experience. 

 

Many times if you are running your life on a high level and not paying attention you can run into burn out. You can even lose a relationship over this and not even be enjoying the life that you’re living based on the stress involved trying to be a high achieving human.

 

So what if you took a step back to really examine your life and ask what’s  serving you and not serving. With the limited time that we have, you can do more of what you want to do.

 

I Christie works with time management and self love strategies and help those that want to enjoy the business and life they’re living.

 

2 min

Christie has been coaching for 20 years in a business and sales environment. It always comes down to the beliefs that people hold. 

 

Now she focuses on time managment and productivity in personal 1:1 coaching. 

 

Christie looks back over the last 10 years and wishes she had some one show her these skills, and now she’s passionate about helping other women in the same spot.

 

Christie was needing to find the perfect hack to make it work to try to have a sense of control and feel like she has a place in the world.

 

4 min

Now she works with women to help them recognize these common traits of really ambitious women. But the same formulas don’t work for business as they do for relationships.

 

Aaron asks about the lower and higher brain process and how it effects time managment and loving yourself. 

 

The lower brain wants to do all the actions that give us the reward like checking off the to-dos. But you’re actually in autopilot. 

 

But thats the least loving thing you could do for yourself and Christie argues that with others.

 

It’s all the energy and place you’re coming from. If you’re coming from a place where your cup is full it will be different with whatever you do.

 

All the days add up of to your life, but you’re doing it from a more authentic place when you’re taking care for yourself.

 

It’s not going to land the same way because your not loving yourself

 

6:30 min

Christie suggests getting outside of your bubble and outside of the chaos, no social media.. it’s an exercise to be with yourself.

 

And then you write down your genius moments of clarity when you are your true self. 

 

Start with what do you actually want in your life. Christie suggests planning out your eulogy, it’s a little dark, but it gets you to think bigger.

 

You’ll have a bigger reason why.

 

8:30 min

It’s taking out time for yourself to craft out the legacy and life that you want to leave. Thats the most self-loving thing you can do. 

 

You’re going this with your higher brain, your pre-frontal cortex. It’s whats best for you in the long wrong.

 

The lower brain asks what’s good right now, which will be a completely different result. 

 

To do lists are toxic and shame and guilt inducing.

 

 

9:50 min 

Christie’s way of replacing the To-Do List is every Sunday evening she sits down and gets everything out of her brain. 

 

You get everything out of your head that you feel you have to do. Half the battle is getting it out.

 

You cross things off that others could do or what doesn’t aline with your goals.

 

You add in what self care means to you. It’s taking time for yourself. Add it all to the list

 

 

12 min

You put it all into your calendar. Like booking a trip to Austin, you decide how long it’s going to take ahead of time.

 

Christie highly recommend morning time of 20 min before the kids get up. 

 

It starts with yourself. The Oxygen mask analogy can get people pleasy if we’re still doing it from a place of only doing it for others. 

 

 

14 min

Christie’s future self would tell her past self just to slow down and write down how you’re thinking and feeling. 

 

When you Slow down it will speed you up for what you really want in life.

 

You’re one thought away

 

15:50 min

Christie typically helps high performing women with a couple gives and realize that something’s got to give.

 

 

The problem internal struggle is perfection, people pleasing, and when you do something it doesn’t feel authentic.

 

They are overwhelmed because they look at their schedule and realize they have to do it all. 

 

The real help is discovering what thoughts and beliefs have us in this season of life. 

 

17:50 min

The women Christie works with are looking for peace, purpose, and simplicity.

 

You can contact Christie on her website Christieheppenstallcoaching.com and her instagram.com/christieheppenstall

 

Christie gives a detailed 5 step program for ridding your to-do list. 

 

 

 

20:10 Aaron Closes

 

Thanks so much for listening if you enjoy this episode and you rethought having a better relationship with yourself around time management. I’d love to know about it. Please leave a review and tell us your experience or share it with a friend.

 

If you’d like to connect with Christie Heppenstall you can find her on instagram.com/christieheppenstall Coaching or on her website Christieheppenstallcoaching.com

 

If you are hurt and heartbroken and would like to reclaim your self-worth and feel confident and whole again I’d love to support you. 

 

Feel free to follow me on Instagram.com/AaronTosti or connect with me at thekindoflove.com. 

 

You’ve been listening to TKOL podcast. 

 

I’m Aaron.

Best of love to you.