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    Queer Eye Star Opens Up About Hitting Rock Bottom: Jonathan Van Ness

    True authenticity is not about being a fixed version of ourselves, but rather about accepting and embracing the ever-changing and complex aspects of who we are.

    enJune 19, 2023

    About this Episode

    In this new episode Steven sits down with hairdresser, television personality, and ‘Queer Eye’s’ grooming expert, Jonathan Van Ness. Jonathan began his career as a hairdresser, however in 2013 while giving a haircut he captured the attention of a creator for the comedy video website, ‘Funny Or Die’. This was the start of Jonathan’s hit ‘Gay of Thrones’ web series which was nominated three times for the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Short Form Variety Series. In 2018, Jonathan was catapulted into fame as the grooming expert in the Netflix series ‘Queer Eye’. Since 2015, he has hosted a weekly podcast, ’Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness’, and in 2019 he released his New York Times best-selling memoir, ‘Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love’. In 2021, Jonathan launched ‘JVN Hair’, a gender inclusive, sustainable, cruelty-free haircare brand. In this conversation Jonathan and Steven discuss topics, such as: Jonathan’s intense childhood His drug and sex addiction His journey into sex work and how he lost control of his life The challenges he has faced with rapid fame The increasing transphobia and attack on trans people in the US You can purchase all of Jonathan’s ‘JVN’ hair products, here: https://bit.ly/3CyBBdK Follow Jonathan: Instagram: https://bit.ly/3CzC6UG YouTube: https://bit.ly/3pcXdZR TikTok: https://bit.ly/3JhaOX9 Follow me: https://beacons.ai/diaryofaceo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

    🔑 Key Takeaways

    • Jonathan Van Ness's journey showcases the power of resilience and determination, reminding us that we can overcome any adversity to achieve our goals. It also emphasizes the need for uncomfortable conversations and action to support the LGBTQ+ community.
    • Moments of joy and escapism can provide healing amidst trauma. Breaking the silence surrounding abuse is essential to creating a supportive environment for survivors to share their experiences and move forward.
    • It is crucial to confront the shame and stigma surrounding sexual abuse in religious and rural communities, challenging harmful narratives and fostering open communication to protect vulnerable individuals.
    • Self-reflection, seeking support, and adopting healthier coping mechanisms are crucial for overcoming challenges and leading a fulfilling life.
    • Animals can serve as a source of purpose and healing, bringing joy and grounding during desperate times. Personal experiences and relationships also play a significant role in one's emotional well-being.
    • Change often occurs when individuals reach their lowest point, highlighting the importance of addressing destructive behavior and seeking help. We must acknowledge the diverse experiences of rock bottom and the need for open conversations about sex addiction.
    • Breaking destructive patterns begins with understanding the origins of sexual compulsivity, seeking therapy, and promoting consent and self-awareness to reclaim control over one's sexual self.
    • Personal growth, self-awareness, and willingness to work on oneself and the relationship are key in transforming an insecure functioning relationship into a secure one. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to finding a relationship, and unconventional paths can still lead to happiness and growth.
    • There is no one-size-fits-all formula for happiness and success. We should recognize the negative impact of unrealistic expectations, embrace our individual paths, and pursue opportunities that align with our interests and talents.
    • Stay true to yourself, never give up, and find alternative paths when faced with obstacles. Being authentic and embracing your unique talents can lead to great success.
    • True authenticity is not about being a fixed version of ourselves, but rather about accepting and embracing the ever-changing and complex aspects of who we are.
    • Being authentic means embracing your true self, communicating openly, and navigating societal pressures while interrogating harmful beliefs rooted in systemic issues like white supremacy and colonialism.
    • Society must prioritize pressing issues like gun violence, education, and healthcare disparities instead of fixating on divisive topics, while combating misinformation that marginalizes the transgender community.
    • Transgender rights have been misrepresented and misunderstood due to misinformation, leading to a negative bias. By educating ourselves and promoting understanding, we can work towards a more inclusive society.
    • Intersex individuals exist and their experiences challenge the binary understanding of sex. It is important to recognize their unique circumstances and the limitations of a binary perspective in order to be a better ally in the fight against transphobia.
    • Society must address the underlying issues caused by corporate greed, such as LGBTQ+ rights and poverty, instead of being distracted by superficial matters like hair care products.

    📝 Podcast Summary

    Overcoming Challenges and Advocating for LGBTQ+ Rights: Jonathan Van Ness's Inspirational Story

    Jonathan Van Ness's story is a testament to the power of passion and resilience. Despite facing sexual abuse, sex work, depression, and despair, he emerged as a leader in his industry. His journey serves as evidence that no matter how challenging our circumstances may be, we have the ability to overcome and achieve our goals. Additionally, this conversation highlights the rise in Trans rights and Transphobia, urging us to have uncomfortable conversations and take action to support the LGBTQ+ community. Jonathan's experience as a queer child during the height of the AIDS crisis sheds light on the anti-queer sentiment prevalent at the time. Ultimately, the conversation emphasizes the importance of friendship and finding role models who can teach us valuable life lessons.

    Finding Joy and Healing Amidst Trauma and Hardships

    Trauma and hardships can coexist with moments of joy and escapism. Despite experiencing abuse and bullying, Jonathan found solace in activities like figure skating and gymnastics. These moments of escapism provided healing and happiness amidst the difficulties he faced. The conversation also highlights the impact of being different in a small town and the constant fight or flight response it can evoke. Furthermore, Jonathan discusses the silence surrounding sexual abuse and the shame associated with talking about it. This shows the importance of breaking the cycle of silence and creating an environment where survivors can openly share their experiences. Overall, the key takeaway is that finding moments of joy, processing trauma, and fostering a supportive environment are crucial in healing and moving forward.

    Breaking the Cycle: Addressing Shame and Stigma to Combat Sexual Abuse

    There is a significant amount of shame and stigma surrounding sexual abuse, particularly within religious and rural communities. These communities often fail to address and acknowledge the pervasive issue of sexual abuse that occurs within their own circles. Instead, they redirect the conversation to focus on unfounded fears and stereotypes about queer people being potential groomers. This diversion not only distracts from the real problem but also perpetuates the silence and secrecy surrounding sexual abuse. The conversation highlights the importance of normalizing therapy and open communication about abuse, as well as the need to challenge and dismantle harmful narratives that scapegoat marginalized communities.

    Jonathan Van Ness: A Journey of Healing, Addiction, and Sobriety

    Jonathan Van Ness went through a journey of healing and self-discovery, facing various challenges along the way. He found solace and clarity through an introduction to healing practices, but later struggled with addiction to methamphetamine. The death of his stepdad prompted him to seek help and enter therapy, ultimately leading him to sobriety and a path of harm reduction. Throughout his twenties, he recognized that trauma and ego continue to manifest in different ways, but he strives to not identify with them. Jonathan's experiences illustrate the importance of self-reflection, seeking support, and finding healthier coping mechanisms to navigate life's challenges.

    The Power of Animals in Providing Comfort and Support During Challenging Moments

    Finding a little cat in the hood of a car may seem trivial, but it can have a profound impact. For Jonathan Van Ness, that cat became a source of purpose and healing during a desperate time in their life. It brought joy and grounding, serving as a turning point in their journey. This highlights the power of animals in providing comfort and support during challenging moments. Additionally, the conversation sheds light on the impact of personal experiences and relationships on one's well-being. Van Ness's move to LA was initially going well, but the illness of their stepdad and the challenges in a romantic relationship disrupted their healing process. It emphasizes the interplay between personal and external factors in shaping one's emotional state.

    The Journey to Change: Hitting Rock Bottom and Seeking Help for Destructive Behavior

    Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they are ready to seek help and make a change. Jonathan Van Ness realized that he needed to address his destructive behavior after engaging in regretful sexual activities and feeling a lack of self-worth. Despite having support from his first love and a therapist, he wasn't ready to confront his issues until he faced even more challenging circumstances, such as his partner leaving and contracting HIV. This aligns with the idea that change often happens when individuals reach their lowest point. It's essential to recognize that everyone's rock bottom looks different, and not all individuals survive their bottoms. It emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the less-discussed issue of sex addiction and the need for open conversations surrounding it.

    Understanding Sexual Compulsivity: A Journey of Healing and Self-Reflection

    Understanding the origins of sexual compulsivity and engaging in deep emotional healing is crucial for breaking the cycle of destructive patterns. Jonathan Van Ness shares his personal journey of struggling with disassociated behavior and losing control, particularly as a result of sexual compulsivity. He emphasizes the significance of continually hurting oneself and seeking therapy to overcome these patterns. Van Ness also mentions the influence of meth use within queer communities and the importance of distancing oneself from it to facilitate healing. Moreover, he highlights the importance of distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy sexual expressions and promoting consent and self-awareness. Ultimately, the key takeaway is that through self-reflection, therapy, and a commitment to healing, individuals can find balance and reclaim control over their sexual selves.

    The Journey to Finding the Right Person and Building a Secure Relationship

    Finding the right person in our lives does not necessarily require us to be the completed version of ourselves. However, it does require a significant amount of personal growth and self-awareness. Both individuals in a relationship must be willing to work on themselves and their relationship to transform an insecure functioning relationship into a secure functioning one. While there may be theories and expert advice on the ideal path to finding a relationship, it ultimately varies for each individual. People's unique experiences and circumstances shape their relationships, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Despite unexpected circumstances like a pandemic, getting married in unconventional ways can still lead to happiness and growth in a relationship.

    Embracing Individual Paths and Finding Success on Our Own Terms

    Everyone has their own unique approach to life. Jonathan Van Ness discusses the importance of recognizing that there is no one-size-fits-all formula for happiness and success. He highlights the negative impact of unrealistic expectations that movies often create, leading to confusion and unhappiness. Additionally, he shares his personal journey of self-discovery, including his struggle with addiction and self-destructive behavior. Despite facing challenges, he found unexpected opportunities in TV and media, which allowed him to develop a new skill set and pursue his passions. This conversation reminds us to embrace our individual paths, learn from our experiences, and explore opportunities that align with our interests and talents.

    Jonathan Van Ness: Resilience, Authenticity, and Embracing Unique Talents for Success

    Resilience and being true to oneself are crucial factors for success. Jonathan Van Ness shares his journey of facing rejections and setbacks but never giving up. He emphasizes the importance of finding alternative paths when faced with obstacles. Additionally, his remarkable wit, humor, and engaging personality contribute to his success in both Game of Thrones and Queer Eye. However, despite his achievements, he remains humble and acknowledges that there are others who may be funnier or possess more unforgettable personalities. The conversation also highlights the significance of authenticity in the entertainment industry, with examples of individuals who faced challenges when they were not true to themselves. Ultimately, the key takeaway is that staying resilient, being authentic, and embracing one's unique talents can lead to great success.

    The Spectrum of Authenticity: Embracing the Multifaceted Nature of Our Identities

    Authenticity is not a fixed state, but rather a spectrum. Being authentic means embracing the different parts of ourselves that are shaped by external factors such as socialization and relationships. It's about being true to how we feel in the moment, even if it means being vulnerable and acknowledging our limitations. Authenticity requires the courage to share our experiences and thoughts, including the ones that are not always positive or humorous. It's about recognizing that our full truth includes both light and dark aspects of our lives. True authenticity is not about being a static version of ourselves, but rather accepting and embracing the ever-changing and multifaceted nature of our identities.

    The Power and Challenges of Authenticity in Self-Expression and Personal Boundaries

    Authenticity goes beyond just being true to your personality, quirks and all. It also means setting boundaries and staying true to yourself, regardless of how others may respond. It requires being open about your needs, experiences, and expectations. Being authentic means expressing yourself honestly, even on difficult days or during challenging times. It involves balancing your public persona with your private life and the emotions you may be experiencing. Authenticity can be both empowering and challenging, as it may require navigating societal pressures and expectations. This conversation highlights the importance of understanding and interrogating one's beliefs, particularly around issues such as transphobia, which stem from systemic issues like white supremacy and colonialism.

    Addressing urgent systemic issues faced by the transgender community

    There are urgent systemic issues affecting the transgender community that demand attention and action. Transgender individuals face discrimination, limited access to healthcare, and are vulnerable to violence and suicide. It is frustrating that while these issues persist, there is disproportionate focus on divisive topics such as bathrooms and sports. It is crucial for society to prioritize addressing pressing issues like gun violence, education, and healthcare disparities, which affect a much larger portion of the population. The conversation highlights the importance of combating misinformation and disinformation that further marginalizes the transgender community. We must be vigilant and skeptical when policies are implemented under the guise of protecting children, as historically, such actions often perpetuate harm towards marginalized groups.

    Challenging Misinformation and Bias: Understanding Transgender Issues

    There is a significant amount of misinformation and fear mongering surrounding transgender issues. This misinformation has led to a negative bias in the way these issues are portrayed and perceived. It is important to recognize that transgender rights are not a new development, but rather a long-standing struggle for equality. Conservative think tanks have used issues like bathroom access and transgender rights as a way to rally support, particularly in elections. However, the overwhelming majority of people support the right to abortion and gay marriage, making those issues less effective for Republicans. Additionally, it is crucial to understand that biological sex is not a simple binary concept, but rather a spectrum that includes intersex individuals. By educating ourselves and challenging the misinformation, we can work towards a more inclusive and understanding society.

    Challenging the Binary Understanding of Sex: The Reality of Intersex Individuals

    Intersex individuals exist and their experiences challenge the idea of binary biological sex. Around 2% of the population is intersex, with various chromosomal variations beyond the typical XX and XY. Intersex infants often undergo genital surgeries to resemble the societal standard of male or female, and they must take hormones throughout their lives. It is important to recognize that intersex is a real condition and not limited to a specific gender identity. In policies that target transgender individuals, intersex children are often exempted, further highlighting the complexities and limitations of a binary understanding of sex. To be a better ally in the fight against transphobia, it is crucial to understand that these issues affect everyone, regardless of whether they directly impact one's own life. Intersectionality matters, as injustices anywhere have far-reaching effects.

    The Dangers of Corporate Greed and Superficial Distractions

    Corporate greed and misdirection are major issues causing societal problems. Jonathan Van Ness highlights how corporate greed is used to distract people from important issues like LGBTQ+ rights and poverty by targeting marginalized groups. He emphasizes the need for people to come together to address these underlying problems. However, amidst this serious discussion, the conversation transitions to hair care products, reflecting a shift in focus and a tendency for society to be distracted by superficial matters. This serves as a reminder that while personal interests and enjoyment are important, we must not lose sight of the larger social issues that require attention and action.

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    Tim Dillon (Comedian): "The Boomers Are A Selfish Generation!". "Gen Z Has Exposed Society's Scam!". "Bosses Are Being Threatened By Mental Illnesses!"

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    Making a living by telling jokes, takes making it through a life that’s no joke. Tim Dillon is a comedian, actor, and host of the Tim Dillon Show podcast. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine named him as one of the top 10 comics you need to know, and in 2022, he released his first Netflix standup special, 'Tim Dillon: A Real Hero’. In this conversation Tim and Steven discuss topics such as, how his mother’s illness inspired him to become funny, his addiction, how Generation Z has exposed society’s scams, and the mental health struggles that pushed him into becoming a comedian. 00:00 Intro 02:01 I Was a Closeted Gay Addict 03:23 Which One of Your Parents Were Depressed? 07:03 The Impact of Your Parent's Mental Illnesses on You 09:05 Your Parents Divorce 12:32 Childhood Trauma & Taking Drugs 15:51 Hitting Rock Bottom 19:40 AA Meetings 23:15 Trying to Get Sober 24:27 Being a Juror on a Murder Crime 27:41 His First Open Mic Comedy Show 29:25 The Taboos in Comedy 33:20 Why You Don't Get Cancelled 36:09 The Podcasting World 39:42 What’s Up With The Different Generations? 48:09 What Are His Goals in Comedy 49:18 Have You Processed Your Trauma? 55:38 His Experience with Therapy 58:24 Coming Out as Gay & Dating 01:01:50 What Do You Love About Yourself? 01:05:00 Mental Health Coping Mechanisms 01:07:27 Elon Musk Buying Twitter 01:08:35 Social Media Criticism 01:09:46 Touring The World 01:15:03 What Happens in Hollywood? 01:17:40 Rising to the Top: The American Dream 01:20:51 New Generations Don't Work Hard 01:21:49 Remote Working 01:25:05 The Future of AI 01:30:26 Men's Mental Health 01:33:53 Andrew Tate's Influence 01:34:49 Who Should You Have Apologized to and You Didn't? You can purchase tickets to Tim’s new show, ‘American Royalty’, here: https://bit.ly/4aHE6JN You can watch ‘The Tim Dillon Show,’ here: https://bit.ly/3U1DOYp Follow Tim: Twitter - https://bit.ly/49oMOLV Instagram - https://bit.ly/3PPbRRb YouTube - https://bit.ly/3U1DOYp Watch the episodes on Youtube - https://g2ul0.app.link/3kxINCANKsb My new book! 'The 33 Laws Of Business & Life' is out now - https://smarturl.it/DOACbook Conversations Cards: https://thediary.com/products/the-conversation-cards-1st-edition Follow me: https://beacons.ai/diaryofaceo Sponsors: Zoe: http://joinzoe.com with an exclusive code CEO10 for 10% off Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

    The Better-Sex Doctor: The Link Between Masturbating & Prostate Cancer! This Is The Perfect Amount Of Times To Have Sex! Strong Pelvic Floor = Better Sex! Dr Rena Malik

    The Better-Sex Doctor: The Link Between Masturbating & Prostate Cancer! This Is The Perfect Amount Of Times To Have Sex! Strong Pelvic Floor = Better Sex! Dr Rena Malik
    If you’ve ever had questions about sex but have been to embarrassed to ask them, then this is the episode for you. Dr Rena Malik is a Urologist & Pelvic Surgeon, her YouTube channel has over 1.8 million subscribers, where she releases weekly episodes on everything to do with sexual health education. In this conversation Rena and Steven discuss topics such as, how stress affects the pelvic floor, the health benefits of orgasms, how to save your sex life, why sperm count is decreasing worldwide, and how to really boost testosterone. (0:00) Intro (02:04) What is it you're seeking to do? (02:54) How do you define sexual health? (03:10) Do we understand our bodies? (04:34) Where does your training come from? (06:01) What's your training with the pelvic floor? (08:31) Why should our doctors be asking about our sexual health? (10:39) Is a weak pelvic floor in men linked to erectile dysfunction, and does sitting cause it too? (12:22) How much sex should couples be having? (14:06) Should we be experiencing pain during sex? (16:21) The vagina's expanding process (18:47) How do we communicate with our partners about sex? (21:45) What's the first step in re-building a good sex life? (25:46) Men vs women’s sexual desire as we age (28:35) Anticipation around sex causing more harm than good (29:35) Is a low libido a hormone problem? (31:53) Ways to increase testosterone (34:49) A decline in testosterone levels and sperm counts (36:01) Chemicals in everyday objects impacting sperm counts (37:54) How have sperm counts been decreasing over the years? (41:30) How do we increase our semen volume (43:20) Does masturbating improve my pelvic floor? (44:19) The impact our technology is having on our genitals (47:12) Does masturbation decrease testosterone levels? (48:41) Does too much masturbation have a bad effect on us? (50:34) Will masturbating make people blind? (50:53) What do you think of no nut November (52:29) Masturbating giving you more clarity of mind (55:47) Post nut clarity (59:15) The link between cancer and masturbation (01:01:12) Porn, is it bad? (01:05:11) VR headsets and porn (01:09:38) Trauma and how it relates to our sex lives (01:12:14) Can you have sex when pregnant? (01:12:57) Orgasms and the clitoris (01:19:00) What is an orgasm (01:22:40) Scheduling time for sex? (01:24:11) Is there a disparity on how long sex should actually take compared to how long it takes (01:27:49) Vagina myths (01:29:54) Pelvic floor exercises, how to do them (01:32:12) How do we know if we have pelvic floor issues (01:35:16) PENIS SIZE, is it possible to increase the size? (01:38:03) How big is a penis on average vs how big people think they should be? (01:41:14) Will my penis get smaller as we age? (01:42:32) Does body parts size indicate a bigger penis? (01:45:09) Labiaplasty (01:46:45) Squirting (01:49:40) Last guest question Follow Rena: Twitter - https://bit.ly/3VzI3vu Instagram - https://bit.ly/3TDaRk6 YouTube - https://bit.ly/3vx9knV Watch the episodes on Youtube - https://g2ul0.app.link/3kxINCANKsb Follow me: https://beacons.ai/diaryofaceo Sponsors: Zoe - http://joinzoe.com with an exclusive code CEO10 for 10% off Uber: https://p.uber.com/creditsterms Study mentioned: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ejaculation_frequency_and_prostate_cancer#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20the%20reverse%20was,lower%20risk%20of%20prostate%20cancer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

    Moment 155: The "Post Date 8" Questions You Need To Ask To Find 'The One' - Logan Ury

    Moment 155: The "Post Date 8" Questions You Need To Ask To Find 'The One' - Logan Ury
    In this moment, behavioural expert and dating coach, Logan Ury discusses the 3 fundamental things to look for in a partner. Too often people have a rigid list of exact traits that they want in their future partner in relationship science this is called, ‘relationship shopping’. This is the idea of shopping for your partner like you would do with any product online. However, more often than not, people end up in a long term relationship with someone who has none of these traits. The reason for this is that while people may think they know what they want, they are wrong. Instead, Logan says you need to date like a scientist, experimenting and constantly changing your hypothesis of what you want in a partner. This can be achieved by using Logan’s 8 questions to ask yourself after a date, the focus of this is examining who are you around that person, and what side of you do they bring out, as this is who you will be for the rest of the relationship. Listen to the full episode here Apple - https://g2ul0.app.link/sXZ3OZpToHb Spotify - https://g2ul0.app.link/nAu4hnmToHb Watch the Episodes On Youtube:  https://www.youtube.com/c/%20TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Logan: https://www.loganury.com https://www.instagram.com/loganury/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices