Dharma

The four rules for a meaningful conversation, when to be vulnerable, and how to form the habits of becoming a supercommunicator.

Charles Duhigg is a Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and author of the bestselling The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better. His new book is called Supercommunicators.

In this episode we talk about:

• How he defines super communicator 
• The four rules for a meaningful conversation 
• How and when to deploy vulnerability 
• How to transform shallow questions in deep ones
• The fast friends procedure 
• And how to form the habits of becoming a supercommunicator 

Related Episodes:

• Dan Clurman and Mudita Nisker on communication
• Daniel Goleman on emotional intelligence and optimal performance

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Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/charles-duhigg

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Dan Harris takes you inside the way he practices on a daily basis, live from the Omega Institute.

Dan did this live, in front of a large audience at a recent Meditation Party retreat at the Omega Institute. You’ll hear Dan talk for a little while about why he practices this way. Then he’ll do a lengthy, guided meditation. After that, you’ll hear him debrief with Sebene Selassie and Jeff Warren, two great meditation teachers, with whom he co-led the aforementioned meditation party retreat.

Tickets for the two more Meditation Party retreats this year at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York are available now. The last one was a blast. Come join us for both. One is in May, the other October. 

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A master class in equanimity. It’s the latest installment of our Meditation Party series. Live from Omega.

Sebene Selassie describes herself as a “writer, teacher, and immigrant-weirdo.” She teaches meditation on the Ten Percent Happier app and is the author of a great book called You Belong. She’s based in Brooklyn. 

Jeff Warren is also a writer and a meditation teacher. He and Dan co-wrote the book, Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics. He also hosts the Consciousness Explorers podcast. He’s based in Toronto. 

Tickets for the two more Meditation Party retreats this year at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York are available now. The last one was a blast. Come join us for both. One is in May, the other October. 

For tickets to Dan Harris: Celebrating 10 Years of 10% Happier at Symphony Space: click here

Related Episodes:

Meditation Party: The “Sh*t Is Fertilizer” Edition | Sebene Selassie & Jeff Warren

Meditation Party with Sebene Selassie and Jeff Warren: Psychedelics, ADHD, Waking Up From Distraction, and Singing Without Being Self-Conscious

Meditation Party: Magic, Mystery, Intuition, Tattoos, and Non-Efforting | Sebene Selassie and Jeff Warren

Nirvana | Joseph Goldstein 

A More Relaxed Way to Meditate | Alexis Santos 

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Simple tools you can knit into your life both for when you’re actively freaking out, and for preventing future trips down the anxiety toilet. 

Dr. Jenny Taitz is a clinical psychologist and an assistant clinical professor in psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles. Dr. Taitz completed her fellowship in psychology at Yale University School of Medicine and achieved board certifications in both cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy. Her new book, Stress Resets: How to Soothe Your Body and Mind in Minutes, is out now. 

In this episode we talk about:

• The difference between stress and anxiety
• Jenny’s take on the use of benzodiazepines
• What she means by, “negative core beliefs”, and how to untangle ourselves from them
• How to prepare in advance for stressful situations
• The benefit of giving yourself a deliberate panic attack
• And why stress, while uncomfortable, is actually part of a healthy and meaningful life

Additional Links: 

How to Be Single and Happy by Dr. Jenny Taitz

Breathe • Calm down • Meditate 

Three-Minute Breathing Space

Related Episodes:

Can Anxiety Be a Gift? | Dr. David Rosmarin

Zach Braff On: Anxiety, Sobriety, Insomnia, Grief, Social Media, and the Meaning of the Tattoo on His Wrist

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What 40 years of research tells us about how to cultivate good relationships in our lives.

World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted over 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the co-founder of The Gottman Institute and Affective Software Inc. as well as author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 

Dr. Julie Gottman is the Co-Founder and President of The Gottman Institute and Co-Founder of Affective Software, Inc. A highly respected clinical psychologist and author, she is sought internationally by media and organizations as an expert advisor on marriage, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues. She is the co-creator of the immensely popular The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples and she also co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. 

In this episode we talk about:

• how to talk (and listen) to your partner in moments of conflict
• what to do before you start trying to solve a problem together
• why “there’s no such thing as constructive criticism” 
• the details of John’s research findings, which have allowed him to predict with stunning accuracy whether a couple will get divorced
• how the Gottmans themselves do when it comes to operationalizing their findings/advice
• how and why betrayal occurs
• when a couple should consider separating 
• the role mindfulness can play in healthy relationships
• and the role of humor in relationships.

Related Episodes:

• Six Buddhist Strategies for Getting Along Better with Everyone | Sister True Dedication
• The Science of Emotional Intelligence | Daniel Goleman
• Improving Your Relationships - Buddhist Style | Martine Batchelor

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Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/gottmans-418-rerun

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Conflict doesn’t have to suck. These iconic relationship researchers tell us how. 

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection is the name of a new book by esteemed guests Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman.

They are the co-Founders of The Gottman Institute and have completed over 40 years of research with more than 3,000 couples. John is the researcher; Julie the clinician. They have written several books together, including Eight Dates and The Love Prescription.

Even though the majority of the Gottmans’ research is on couples, the advice is applicable to all types of relationships.  

In this episode we talk about:

• The three principle conflict styles
• Why we often don’t understand what it is we’re fighting about
• Perpetual problems vs. Solvable problems
• Why the first three minutes of an argument are key 
• The simple sentence to use at the beginning of an argument
• How to downregulate defensiveness in an argument
• Why the Gottmans’ believe there is no such thing as constructive criticism
• Why apologizing quickly isn’t always the right move
• When a fight might spell the end 

Related Episodes:

• Dan Savage on how to handle disappointment in your relationships, how to get better at sex, and why “a couple” is an Illusion
• Lori Brotto on mindful sex
• Devon and Craig Hase on how not to be a hot mess
• Myisha Battle on love, sex, dating, and relationship myths

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Full Shownotes: http://tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/gottmans-726

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This four-part breathing technique calms the nervous system, relaxes the body, and is an effective antidote to obsessive over-thinking.

About Jeff Warren:

Jeff is an incredibly gifted meditation teacher. He's trained in multiple traditions, including with renowned teacher Shinzen Young. Jeff is the co-author of NY Times Bestseller "Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics," and the founder of the Consciousness Explorers Club, a meditation adventure group in Toronto. He has a knack for surfacing the exact meditation that will help everyone he meets. "I have a meditation for that" is regularly heard from Jeff, so we've dubbed him the "Meditation MacGyver."

To find this meditation in the Ten Percent Happier app, you can search for “Breath Stressbuster.” 

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Dan Savage has been writing the popular sex-advice column Savage Love for over thirty years. He also hosts the Savage Lovecast and is the author of numerous books. In 2010 Dan and his husband founded the It Gets Better Project, which was designed to give hope to LGBTQ kids. It was seen all over the world–and won an Emmy. 

In this episode we talk about:

• How to handle disappointment and jealousy
• How to get better at sex
• Why so many couples lose their spark and what to do about it
• How to date in the era of apps
• Why it’s so hard for straight couples to talk about sex
• Dan’s contention that the idea of a ‘couple’ is an illusion

Related Episodes:

• Lori Brotto on mindful sex
• Devon and Craig Hase on how not to be a hot mess
• Myisha Battle on love, sex, dating, and relationship myths

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Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/dan-savage-723

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How to boost productivity, empathy, and focus, while reducing burnout. From the godfather of Emotional Intelligence. 

If you have any degree of ambition, one of the things you probably think about is how to perform at your best, or somewhere close, every day. How to keep your energy up. How to get into flow. How to stay focused and productive. How to play well with others.

Daniel Goleman— his friends call him Danny—-has been thinking and writing about optimal performance for decades. He’s perhaps best known for his book, Emotional Intelligence. He’s a Harvard trained psychologist who also wrote in the New York Times for a while. And in his youth, he spent many years studying meditation in Asia, alongside many of today’s most intellectual meditation teachers like Joseph Goldstein and Sharon Salzberg.

He’s got a new book called Optimal: How to Sustain Personal and Organizational Excellence Every Day, co-written with Cary Cherniss.

In this episode we talk about:

• How to train your mind for optimal states
• How to reduce burnout
• How to develop and deploy empathy in a work setting
• How to give feedback
• A productivity hack that involves only doing the easy stuff
• The 4 parts of emotional intelligence—and how to get better at each
• And the future of EI in a world of AI

This episode kicks off the latest installment of our occasional series, Sanely Ambitious. Over the next two weeks, we will be posting episodes on: how to focus in the midst of a pandemic of distraction, how to fail well, and when to quit. It’s a great lineup. 

Daniel Goleman’s online Emotional Intelligence Program

Related Episodes:

A Radical Approach to Productivity, Self-Compassion Series | Jocelyn K. Glei

#494. How to Speak Clearly, Calmly, and Without Alienating People | Dan Clurman and Mudita Nisker

The Science of Emotional Intelligence | Daniel Goleman

#523. A Masterclass in Handling Yourself When Things Suck | Tsoknyi Rinpoche and Daniel Goleman

#436. Brené Brown Says You're Doing Feelings Wrong

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The author/podcaster talks about her nonnegotiables at a delicate time in her life.

Glennon Doyle is an author, activist, and the founder of Together Rising. She hosts the We Can Do Hard Things podcast and wrote the #1 New York Times bestseller Untamed, a Reese’s Book Club selection, which has sold nearly three million copies. 

Photo Credit: Alexandra Hedison

In this episode we talk about:

• The concept of embodiment
• Undoing harmful deep conditioning around hustle and diet culture
• The role of Internal Family Systems in Glennon’s life

Related Episodes:

• You Don’t Have to be Miserable While Doing Important Work | adrienne maree brown
• How To End The War With Your Body | Sonya Renee Taylor
• The Anti-Diet | Evelyn Tribole

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You are complex and contain multitudes. Try this refreshing take on loving-kindness and offer love to all the different parts of yourself.

About Dawn Mauricio:

Dawn Mauricio discovered the practices of Buddhist meditation in 2005, and from then on, did what any well-intentioned perfectionist would do — plunge in head first! Since then, she's graduated from several teaching programs, including Spirit Rock's four-year Teacher Training. Her teaching style is playful, dynamic, and heartfelt, and she teaches extensively in her home-country of Canada, as well as the US, to teens, people of color, and folks of all backgrounds.

To find this meditation in the Ten Percent Happier app, you can search for “Loving Your Many Sides”. 

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The renowned psychotherapist talks about the importance of accountability in generosity in her own life, and the one thing you can do right now, today, to make yourself happier.

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and bestselling author. She has a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her TED Talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her books, Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs, are huge bestsellers. Esther is also the host of the hit podcast Where Should We Begin?

In this episode we talk about:

• How to get around the obstacles that hinder connection with other people 
• The role of conflict in relationships and why we shouldn’t be afraid of it
• Ways to get better at experiencing anxiety or discomfort so that you can better handle the ups and downs of life
• And the simple thing you can do right now to make yourself happier 

Related Episodes:

Can Anxiety Be a Gift? | Dr. David Rosmarin

Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness | Dr. Robert Waldinger

How to Keep Friendships From Imploding | Esther Perel

Mating in Captivity | Esther Perel

Love in the Time of COVID | Esther Perel

Esther Perel: Turning Conflict Into Connection

Esther Perel on the Other A.I.: Artificial Intimacy (SXSW 2023)

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Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/esther-perel-non-negotiables

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Get out of the trance of thinking and explore what it’s like to be more generous with your attention directly, here, now.

About Pascal Auclair:

Pascal has been immersed in Buddhist practice and study since 1997, sitting retreats in Asia and America with revered monastics and lay teachers. He has been mentored by Joseph Goldstein and Jack Kornfield at the Insight Meditation Society (IMS) in Massachusetts and Spirit Rock Meditation Center in California. He is a co-founder of True North Insight and one of TNI’s Guiding Teachers.

To find this meditation in the Ten Percent Happier app, you can search for “The Present Moment.”

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A slew of evidence-based, ready-to-try-today interventions we can use to “complete the stress cycle.”

Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestseller Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. She has a MS in counseling and a PhD in health behavior, both from Indiana University. She’s also the co-author of Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle.   

Amelia Nagoski holds a DMA in conducting from the University of Connecticut. An assistant professor and coordinator of music at Western New England University, she regularly presents educational sessions discussing the application of communications science and psychological research for audiences of other professional musicians, including “Beyond Burnout Prevention: Embodied Wellness for Conductors.” She is the co-author of Burnout: The Secret To Unlocking The Stress Cycle

In this episode we talk about:

• The three characteristics of burnout
• The difference between addressing stressful circumstances in our lives and dealing with the actual physical experience of stress
• What they call the “real enemy”
• How to create a “bubble of love”
• The evidence-based interventions you can try right away 

Related Episodes:

Optimizing Your Stress | Modupe Akinola

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The interview that changed the way Dan relates to food. 

Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD,  CEDRD-S is an award-winning registered dietitian, with a nutrition counseling practice in Newport Beach, California. She has written ten books including the bestsellers Healthy Homestyle Cooking and Intuitive Eating (co-author). Her newest book is the Intuitive Eating Workbook: Ten Principles for Nourishing a Healthy Relationship with Food.

In this episode we talk about:

• How meditation practice and intuitive eating are similar
• The difference between mindful eating and intuitive eating
• Why gentle nutrition is the last principle of intuitive eating
• How to rethink negative body image
• Why you can’t tell how healthy a person is by looking at their body
• Why it’s important not to talk about food in moralistic terms
• How to make peace with and rethink our relationship with food

Related Episodes:

How to Embrace the Anti-Diet | Christy Harrison

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Practical tools for regulating your nervous system in stressful times.  

Deb Dana is a licensed clinical social worker, clinician, and consultant who specializes in working with complex trauma. She is the author of Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory.

In this episode we talk about:

• What polyvagal theory is
• The case for understanding our nervous system
• The practical tools and exercises for changing our nervous system and learning to become more regulated
• The fact that our nervous systems aren’t simply isolated, self-contained phenomena – they are social structures
• Our responsibilities for our own nervous system and the nervous systems of others

Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/deb-dana-rerun

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Today we are dropping down our feed a conversation that I listened to recently that had a huge impact on me. It's from a great show that I'm sure many of you have heard of, On Being with Krista Tippett. It's been around for decades, and it explores the question of what it means to be human, how to do life better, how to live with each other in complex times.

Krista Tippett is a recent friend of mine, somebody who I have long admired and really, like – she was on the show just recently. They've got a new season of their show going right now, over on the On Being feed, which I highly recommend you check out. They're doing episodes on the intelligence of the human body, what AI might be calling us to as human beings, and much more. 

They've also got a 20 year archive of conversations with people like Mary Oliver, John O'Donohue, and Desmond Tutu, which is pretty extraordinary. And this conversation, which, as I mentioned earlier, has had a big impact on me seems unfortunately quite relevant. It's about conflict and how to do it right: the difference between healthy conflict, which is an unavoidable part of life, and high conflict, which we see all around us these days, but which is avoidable.

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How getting your sh*t together can make you a better leader in your own personal orbit. It can maybe even change the world.

Jerry Colonna is a leading executive coach who uses the skills he learned as a venture capitalist to help entrepreneurs. He is a co-founder and CEO of Reboot, the executive coaching and leadership development company, host of the Reboot Podcast, and author of Reunion: Leadership and the Longing to Belong, and Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up.

In this episode we talk about:

• How to avoid the pitfalls of virtue signaling and self-righteousness
• The term, “reunion” and how it relates to the stories of our ancestors 
• What he means by, “the longing to belong”
• How we can learn to “do our first works over”
• The difference between equality and equity 
• And his framing of, "content and container" to help guide good leadership

Related Episodes:

• Jerry Colonna, 'CEO Whisperer' and Reboot.io Founder
• The Art of Growing Up, Jerry Colonna

Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/jerry-colonna

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Nirvana is a culturally confusing and freighted term. It’s the name of the best rock band of the 1990s and also the name of smoothie joints, vape stores and yoga studios. There’s a vape place near me called Nirvana. 

Nirvana’s been fully co-opted and sometimes corrupted by the culture… and yet it is also the clearly stated goal of the Buddha’s teaching. So what does it really mean?

We cover all of that today in what is an experimental episode for us. Not only because the topic is so unusual, but also because this is our first podcast recording of a live show. We recorded this at the Armory in Boston in front of a sold out crowd who did not know in advance that premier teacher Joseph Goldstein would be the guest. We would love your feedback, because if you like this, we’ll do more.

Joseph Goldstein is one of the top western proponents of mindfulness. He co-founded the legendary Insight Meditation Society alongside Sharon Salzberg and Jack Kornfield. He also wrote a book called Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening.

PS We’ve been trying to do a bunch of experiments here on this show, and our latest is a weekly newsletter, which you can sign up for here!

Related Episodes:

• The Mental States That Steal Your Calm | Bhikkhu Bodhi
• The Words of the Buddha | Bhikkhu Bodhi
• Joseph Goldstein On: How Not To Try Too Hard in Meditation, Why You Shouldn't "Waste Your Suffering," and the Value Of Seeing How Ridiculous You Are

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One of our most frequent and popular guests talks about how to develop the character skills to discover your hidden potential.

Adam Grant is an organizational psychologist at Wharton, where he has been the top-rated professor for seven straight years. His books have sold millions of copies, hisTED talks have been viewed more than 30 million times, and he hosts the hit podcastRe:Thinking. His viral piece on languishing was the most-read New York Times article of 2021. He has been recognized as one of the world's ten most influential management thinkers.

In this episode we talk about:

• Why character skills are so important and how to develop them
• What we learn from seeking discomfort
• The concept of scaffolding as a way to overcome obstacles
• The value of acceptable mistakes
• And How to see the hidden potential in others and champion them
• Take Adam’s Quiz: Which skill could unlock your potential?

Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/tph/podcast-episode/adam-grant-hidden-potential

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