Elliot Page ON: How to Turn Self-Hate Into Self-Love & Navigating Societal Gender Norms

    Recognizing and appreciating the privileges and resources we have can help protect us on our journey. It is important to consider the reality of choices in the real world and find joy in simple moments.

    enOctober 23, 2023

    About this Episode

    Can self-hate be turned into self-love, and if so, where does this transformation start? 

    How can we replace self-criticism with affirmations and begin prioritizing self-care?

    Today, I have something truly special to share with you on the On Purpose podcast. We're about to dive deep into the incredible journey of Elliot Page, whose story is not just a memoir but a testament to the power of self-discovery and authenticity. 

    Elliot Page is an Academy Award-nominated actor, director, producer, writer, and a New York Times bestselling author known for his indelible on-screen presence in both tentpole and art house films. Today we are talking about his memoir Pageboy which became an instant bestseller. 

    Starting with a detailed exploration of life-changing memories, we journey alongside Elliot through a life-long experience that's beautifully reflected in this memoir. It's a story of resilience and growth, a reminder that we all have the capacity to overcome challenges and find our true selves.

    Elliot's story sheds light on the importance of not letting societal conditioning dictate who we are. We'll explore how being true to yourself can lead to living the life you've always wanted. From struggles to self-discovery, we will discover the impact of authenticity and self-acceptance and how these can help anyone take pivots at the most crucial moments. 

    And amidst it all, we'll touch on topics like community support, transitioning resources, and how parents can empower their children to express themselves.

    In this interview, you’ll learn:

    • How to let go of self hate
    • How to appreciate your authenticity
    • How to develop self love
    • How to find your own voice
    • The importance of community support
    • The challenges when transitioning
    • How to deal with unsupportive people

    This episode is not just about one person's journey; it's about the universal themes of self-love, acceptance, and the incredible strength of the human spirit. 

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    • 00:00 Intro
    • 01:58 Elliot's Memory Exploration 
    • 03:46 Pageboy: A Memoir
    • 06:16 Breaking The Mold Of Conditioned Reactions 
    • 07:41 Living Your Dream Life
    • 09:28 Fighting to Function In Your Own Pace
    • 10:26 Let People Be Themselves
    • 13:08 How Transition Shapes Your Profession and Life
    • 15:15 The Positives of Being Grounded And Present
    • 18:20 The Significance of Community Support
    • 20:16 Resources for Transitioning Individuals
    • 23:19 How Parents Can Aid In Self-Expression 
    • 25:13 Misconceptions on Youth and Trans Health
    • 28:43 Trans Men On Conversations About Masculinity
    • 32:11 Empathetic Conversations With Other Trans People
    • 38:09 Lessening the Burden of Feeling Alone
    • 42:51 Connecting Through Stories
    • 44:29 Balancing Alone Time And Forming Relationships
    • 47:30 Living A Life With Limited Resources
    • 51:40 Biographies And Intriguing Lives
    • 53:04 Having A Moment Of Self Love
    • 56:14 Elliot Page on Final Five  

    Episode Resources:

    If you are interested in learning more in the topics we discussed today, below is a book list curated by Elliot Page: 
    A Trans Man Walks Into a Gay Bar, Harry Nicholas
    Amateur, Thomas Page McBee
    Bellies, Nicola Dinan
    He/She/They, Schuyler Bailar
    Miss Major Speaks, Miss Major and Toshio Meronek
    None of the Above, Travis Alabanza
    Redefining Realness, Janet Mock
    Surpassing Certainty, Janet Mock
    The Risk it Takes to Bloom, Raquel Willis
    The Transgender Issue, Shon Faye
    Transgender History, Susan Stryker
    We Both Laughed in Pleasure, Lou Sullivan

    Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    🔑 Key Takeaways

    • Page's memoir beautifully captures the complexity and nuances of the journey towards truth and self-discovery, offering readers an authentic glimpse into their unique perspective.
    • By embracing their true identity, Elliot Page finds healing and courage, unlocking creativity and living authentically.
    • Embracing their trans identity has allowed Elliot Page to feel more authentic, present, and grounded in their acting, shifting their focus from success to living as their true self.
    • The pursuit of being true to ourselves can lead to a sense of happiness and belonging, but it's important to engage with a supportive community to combat societal pressures and negative consequences.
    • Elliot Page emphasizes the importance of support, connection, and the role of literature in personal growth, urging parents to create a safe space for their children to explore their identities.
    • Educate yourself, seek reliable sources, and understand the challenges faced by transgender individuals in accessing healthcare. Don't rely on misinformation or assumptions; do your own research and support the transgender community.
    • Promoting empathy and emotional expression among cis men can help break free from harmful gender norms, create close friendships, and build a more inclusive society.
    • Embracing one's true identity and breaking free from societal expectations allows for personal liberation and the ability to live authentically.
    • By sharing personal stories and being open-minded, we can inspire change, foster connections, and create a healthier society.
    • Embracing one's true self empowers individuals to find fulfillment in being alone, leading to healthier and more genuine relationships driven by exploration and growth.
    • Recognizing and appreciating the privileges and resources we have can help protect us on our journey. It is important to consider the reality of choices in the real world and find joy in simple moments.
    • Embrace your authentic self, reject harmful advice, and find joy in your unique journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance.
    • Elliot Page encourages understanding, empathy, and the eradication of bullying to create a compassionate and inclusive society. Let's support and uplift others in their personal journeys.

    📝 Podcast Summary

    A non-linear exploration of memory and the Trans and queer experience

    Elliot Page's memoir, Pageboy, offers a non-linear exploration of memory and the Trans and queer experience. By weaving together different themes, emotions, and moments, Page presents a reflection of how the journey towards truth and self-discovery can be complex and nuanced. The structure of the book mirrors the ups and downs, the moments of closeness and retreat, that are often experienced in navigating societal expectations and personal identity. Page's deliberate choice to embrace non-linearity allows for a more organic and authentic representation of their inner world. Through the act of writing, Page delves into memories that have always resonated deep within, offering readers a glimpse into their unique journey and perspective.

    Elliot Page's Transformation: A Therapeutic Journey of Self-Discovery and Creativity

    Elliot Page's journey of self-discovery and embracing their true identity has been a healing and cathartic process. Through writing their story, Page has uncovered buried memories and emotions that they had previously swept under the rug. This process has allowed them to acknowledge the impact certain experiences had on their physical and emotional well-being. It has been a therapeutic journey that has brought about a sense of courage and a newfound freedom to live authentically. Page's transformation has not only allowed them to exist in a way they never thought possible but has also opened up doors to creativity and inspiration that were once unimaginable.

    Elliot Page's Journey of Self-Discovery and Embracing Their Trans Identity: A Transformation in Acting

    Elliot Page's journey of self-discovery and embracing their identity as a trans individual has significantly improved their relationship with acting. Previously, they struggled with feeling present, productive, and comfortable on set, often experiencing discomfort and a disconnect from their true self. However, after coming out as trans, Page now feels more embodied, grounded, and open in their performances. They no longer have to fight through personal struggles to reach a starting point and can approach roles with a sense of authenticity and presence. Their focus is no longer solely on success or the outcome of their work, but rather on living as their true self and engaging with the world in a genuine way.

    Embracing our true identity and finding community support on the journey to self-acceptance.

    The pursuit of being accepted and seen for who we truly are is a universal journey. Elliot Page's experience highlights the importance of knowing and feeling our true selves, even from a young age. The knowingness and deep-rooted feeling within us can guide us towards a sense of euphoria and connection when we embrace our true identity. However, societal pressures and judgment can create internal struggles and negative consequences. It is crucial to have conversations within a community that understands and empathizes with our experiences. These discussions provide a sense of belonging, normalize our thoughts and feelings, and help combat the feelings of isolation and shame. Community support plays a significant role in empowering individuals to exist authentically and break free from societal limitations.

    The Power of Support and Connection: Elliot Page's Perspective on Trans Identity and Literature

    Elliot Page emphasizes the importance of support and connection, both from Trans individuals and from resources like books. Page highlights the power of being inspired by others' stories and experiences, whether they are close friends or strangers. They recommend books such as "None of the Above" by Travis Alban, "Trans: A Trans Man Walks into a Gay Bar" by Harry Nicholas, and collections of diaries by Lou Sullivan as powerful reads. Page also mentions the impact of books by Janet Mock, Thomas Page McBee, and Man Alive. It is clear that Page values the role of literature in personal growth and understanding. Additionally, Page urges parents to listen, support, and create a safe space for their children to explore their identities, without dismissing or shaming them.

    Debunking Myths and Advocating for Transgender Healthcare

    There is a lack of information and a lot of misinformation about transgender individuals, particularly regarding their healthcare. Elliot Page emphasizes the importance of creating a space for listening, educating oneself from reliable sources and lived experiences, and understanding the support provided by major medical institutions in the United States. Page debunks common lies, such as the inaccurate belief that children's bodies are being mutilated or that puberty blockers are experimental. They highlight that accessing care as a transgender person is not easily accessible and is a thorough patient process involving parents. Page also challenges misconceptions about transgender individuals brainwashing or forcing gender transitions, emphasizing that they often face bullying and violence. This conversation encourages individuals to do their own research and seek reliable sources rather than relying on assumptions or misleading headlines. Furthermore, Page discusses how transgender men can contribute to the conversation on masculinity, bringing new perspectives and challenging societal limitations.

    Breaking Free from Toxic Masculinity

    There is a need for more empathy and emotional expression among cis men. Society's ingrained misogyny, queer phobia, and transphobia often lead to toxic behaviors and limited emotional freedom for men. This can prevent them from forming close friendships and openly expressing themselves. However, experiences shared by transgender men and trans mask individuals offer a different perspective and opportunity for growth. By encouraging emotional vulnerability and supporting close relationships, we can break free from harmful stereotypes and create a more inclusive society. It is important to recognize and challenge societal pressures that limit emotional expression and perpetuate harmful gender norms.

    Elliot Page's Journey: Challenging Society's Notions of Masculinity and Finding Self-acceptance

    Elliot Page's journey of self-discovery and embracing his true identity has shed light on the pressures and limitations imposed by society's concept of masculinity. He emphasizes that testosterone does not inherently lead to anger or toxic behavior, but rather it is the negative societal influences and rigid expectations that contribute to these issues. Furthermore, Page discusses the connection between gender dysphoria and eating disorders, noting that control over one's body becomes a way to cope with discomfort and gain a sense of identity. However, since embracing his authenticity, Page has found liberation and the ability to fully immerse himself in life, free from constant self-judgment and the need to flee. This profound transformation has touched the lives of many, as they connect with Page's story and find inspiration in his courage to be unapologetically themselves.

    The Power of Personal Stories: Inspiring Change and Connection

    Sharing personal stories and experiences can have a profound impact on others. Elliot Page's book has touched many lives, allowing people of all ages to feel less alone and find the courage to have important conversations with their loved ones. It has given individuals the strength to make life-changing decisions and has lifted the burden of shame and self-hate. The power of connection and understanding is evident as readers, even those who may have initially held judgments, relate to the book and have their minds opened to the transgender experience. This highlights the importance of being open-minded and curious about different perspectives and experiences, as it fosters personal growth, happiness, and a healthier society.

    Elliot Page's Transformation: From Clinging to Relationships to Embracing Solitude

    Elliot Page's journey of self-discovery and growth has led to a profound shift in perspective on love and relationships. Previously, Page relied on others to find a sense of purpose and escape from the difficulties of life, resulting in clinging onto relationships that may not have been healthy. However, the transformation brought about by embracing their true self has empowered Page to find exhilaration and fulfillment in being alone. This newfound confidence allows for a more solid foundation when entering into intimate relationships, driven by a genuine desire to explore life, grow together, and not cling out of fear or insecurity. Page's story also highlights the privilege they possess, acknowledging that their experience is not representative of the challenges faced by many Trans individuals, especially those from marginalized backgrounds.

    Acknowledging Privilege, Finding Joy in the Present

    Elliot Page recognizes and acknowledges their privilege and resources, which help and protect them throughout their journey. They emphasize the significance of these privileges, such as financial security and access to medical procedures, in contrast to the challenges faced by individuals who lack these resources. Jay Shetty also emphasizes the importance of considering the reality of the choices and decisions made by individuals in the real world. Additionally, Page's appreciation for the present moment and the ability to find joy in simple activities is a reminder for all of us to not take these experiences for granted. Lastly, while Page's recent readings may not be focused on history, they still contain historical elements that contribute to their understanding of the world.

    Elliot Page's journey of self-discovery, self-love, and queer community.

    Elliot Page's decision to end their book at 16 years old was significant and meaningful. It symbolizes a period of self-love, self-discovery, and falling in love with their first girlfriend. Moreover, it marks a pivotal moment in Elliot's life, when they experienced palpable joy and a sense of community in a queer environment. Ending the book on that note captures the euphoria and the incredible performer who inspired Elliot since their teenage years. This takeaway reinforces the importance of embracing our authentic selves, not allowing others to change us, and rejecting harmful advice. It reminds us of the power of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and finding joy in our own unique journeys.

    Elliot Page: Embracing Authenticity and Advocating for Compassion

    Elliot Page has realized the absurdity and limitations of the binary aspect of gender identity. They no longer value the traditional idea of success and are willing to let go of it in order to be their authentic selves. Page is also actively unlearning the shame projected onto them by society and the lingering effects of bullying. If they could create one law for the world, it would be to outlaw bullying in any form. This conversation with Jay Shetty has highlighted the importance of understanding and empathizing with the experiences of others, in order to create a more compassionate and inclusive society. Page's words and presence have left a lasting impact and inspire us to support and uplift those on their personal journeys.

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    What are healthy ways to deal with a breakup?

    Today, let’s welcome back dating coach Matthew Hussey. Matthew is also a YouTube personality and writer known for offering advice on dating, love, and relationships to both men and women through his online content, seminars, and his book "Get The Guy." His approach typically combines practical advice, motivational coaching, and a bit of psychology to help individuals understand what they want from a relationship and how to get it.

    Matthew shares his insights on the complexities of love, self-discovery, and the importance of honest communication. He emphasizes on the significance of creating a peaceful relationship, distinguishing it from a boring one, and the value of embracing vulnerabilities to foster deeper connections. Matthew's reflections on his own experiences, coupled with his expertise, provide a comprehensive guide on navigating the challenges of modern dating, building meaningful relationships, and cultivating self-awareness. 

    In this interview, you'll learn:

    How to cultivate peaceful relationships without boredom

    How to deepen connections through vulnerability

    How to navigate modern dating with confidence

    How to enhance relationships with effective communication

    How to enrich love life through self-awareness

    Whether you're single, dating, or in a relationship, this episode offers valuable lessons on love, resilience, and the transformative power of embracing your true self.

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    04:20 Where Does Your Idea of Love Come From?

    10:34 What Differentiates a Peaceful to a Boring Relationship?

    19:35 What Are Your Must-Haves in a Relationship?

    31:47 Tactics Are Different From Relationship Standards

    39:59 Egoic Standards Versus Setting Standards for Happiness

    51:20 Practice Having Real and Difficult Conversations

    01:04:48 The Importance of Communicating Your Thoughts and Feelings

    01:08:25 Is Your Partner the Right One for You?

    01:15:05 Dealing with the Different Phases of Heartbreak

    01:26:31 What’s Next for Matthew?    

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    7 Ways to Reduce the Time You Spend Overthinking & Make Better Decisions Quicker

    7 Ways to Reduce the Time You Spend Overthinking & Make Better Decisions Quicker

    How do you know when you're overthinking too much?

    How can you break the cycle of overthinking?

    Today, Jay will talk about the complexity of overthinking and how we can turn it around and look at things differently. Jay presents seven practical strategies to help listeners combat the grip of overthinking. These range from the psychological—to limit how many people's opinions we seek, preventing the confusion and indecision that too many perspectives can cause—to the physical, recommending activities that disengage the analytical brain and encourage mental reset, like exercise or simply moving around.

    In this episode, you'll learn:

    How to use over thinking for problem-solving

    How to manage alarmed responses

    How to use physical movement for mental clarity

    How to focus on positives and small wins

    Don't let overthinking hold you back! Start implementing these strategies today and take control of your mental space.

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    00:52 Has Overthinking Slowed You Down?

    07:53 The Science Behind Overthinking

    10:50 #1: Overthinking as a Problem-Solving Approach

    14:24 #2: Don’t Ask Too Many People For Their Opinion

    18:19 #3: Avoid Responding While You’re Feeling Alarmed

    19:17 #4: Move Your Body When Your Mind Is Stuck

    20:32 #5: Focus on the Good Thing and Small Wins

    22:05 #6: Spontaneous Drawings Relieve Psychological Stress

    24:23 #7: Go Back to Analog

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Orlando Bloom: 3 Reasons Why You Need to Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes & Shift Your Perspective on Fear

    Orlando Bloom: 3 Reasons Why You Need to Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes & Shift Your Perspective on Fear

    Do you stop yourself from making mistakes? 

    Do you want to shift your perspective on fear? 

    Today, let’s welcome the one and only Orlando Bloom. Orlando gained widespread fame for his roles in some of the most popular films including The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Pirates of the Caribbean series. He will be seen starring in Peacock's limited adventure docuseries, To The Edge, which he also produced. Off-screen, Orlando is known for his humanitarian efforts, including his work as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador.

    Orlando shares insights from his life as an actor, adventurer, and someone deeply involved in spirituality. He talks about how meditation and mindfulness help him stay balanced despite the hectic nature of being a celebrity, his views on masculinity, the importance of embracing both masculine and feminine qualities, and striving for balance and introspection in life. We also get to hear stories about facing and overcoming fears, embracing vulnerability, and the lessons he's learned from these challenges. This episode isn't just about getting to know a renowned actor but diving into the personal journey of a man who is constantly looking for deeper meaning and connections in life.

    In this interview, you’ll learn:
    How to overcome fear
    How to maintain balance in a hectic life
    How to incorporate mindfulness into everyday activities
    How to explore and embrace different aspects of your personality
    How to use life's challenges as growth opportunities

    Tune in now for a discussion full of insights on overcoming fears, embracing spirituality, and pursuing personal growth.  

    With Love and Gratitude,
    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:
    02:28 Working in an Unscripted Space
    06:09 What’s Your Earliest Childhood Fear?
    08:35 Practicing Buddhism
    13:49 The Lotus Sutra
    20:16 The 8 Wins
    26:28 Trusting Your Life and Becoming Capable
    36:33 Being Present While on the Edge
    44:48 Any Moment Could Be Your Last
    45:43 The Deepest Mirror You’ll Ever Have
    48:58 What Did You Learn from Your Past Relationships?
    51:22 Introducing Buddhism Practice to My Kids
    55:33 Whatever You’re Saying, You Become
    01:02:22 Loving the Parenting Journey
    01:07:16 The Impacts of Your Decisions
    01:09:13 Opportunities Through Obstacles
    01:17:40 Buddhism Is My Anchor
    01:18:59 The Fear You’re Currently Overcoming
    01:26:04 Orlando Bloom on Final Five

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    4 Ways to Know if It Is Time To End Your Relationship (When the Signs Are Not Clear and Things are Not Bad)

    4 Ways to Know if It Is Time To End Your Relationship (When the Signs Are Not Clear and Things are Not Bad)

    Do you find yourself often thinking about breaking up?

    Do you and your partner have unresolved conflicts that keep resurfacing?

    In this episode, Jay tackles the tough emotions and uncertainty many face when considering a breakup. He talks about why people stay in or leave relationships, touching on key factors like emotional closeness, personal investment, and the impact of family responsibilities. Jay also discusses how to ensure emotional security and the risks of staying for financial reasons or out of obligation. 

    In this episode you’ll learn:

    How to recognize emotional investment

    How to assess emotional security

    How to consider financial implications

    How to navigate emotional intimacy

    This honest conversation provides you with the insights to evaluate your relationship more clearly, helping you decide whether to work on it or move on, based on a deeper understanding of your feelings and the relationship's dynamics.

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    01:10 When to End Your Relationship

    04:48 10 Reason Why People Stay in a Relationship

    12:44 Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Relationship

    18:14 The Three Cancers of the Mind

    24:44 Difference in Scorecard Perspective

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.