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    72. Attachment styles, non-negotiables and dating men ft. Chidera Eggerue

    enFebruary 14, 2023

    About this Episode

    This week I am joined by Chidera Eggerue, otherwise known as the Slumflower, host of the Slumflower Hour and author of the Number 1 Sunday Times Bestsellers What a Time to be Alone (2018) and How to Get Over a Boy (2020) to discuss attachment styles, how to set boundaries and non-negotiables when dating men. We discuss the own hard lessons we’ve learnt through our intimate relationships, how to reclaim your power, the psychology behind why we accept the bare minimum and so much more. Listen now!

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    ūüĒĎ Key Takeaways

    • By recognizing and challenging cultural norms and expectations, you can establish healthy boundaries in relationships. Don't be afraid to address internalized misogyny and patriarchy to live a fulfilling dating life. Don't let childhood trauma, astrology science or dynamics in relationships with men hold you back.
    • Our childhood experiences, particularly with our mothers, can influence our romantic relationships. Lacking emotional support from our mothers may result in craving validation and approval from men who require us to earn their love. We must recognize this pattern and consider our parental dynamics, as breaking free from toxic relationships can lead to healthier relationships in the future.
    • Unlearn what your primary caregiver taught you about what you deserve, and understand their background to better stand up for yourself in other relationships. Detaching mentally before physically moving out is crucial, and knowing that your experiences are not isolated can help ease the pain.
    • Abuse is never the victim's fault; leaving the abuser can be difficult, but it's necessary to put an end to abuse and start living with respect and love. Breaking the cycle of abusive relationships is possible and necessary for personal well-being.
    • Our relationship with our primary caregiver influences how we attach ourselves to others. Those who were taught love is conditional may struggle to recognize and accept love, leading to an anxious preoccupied attachment style. Seeking reassurance from partners or friends may be common, especially when faced with perceived rejection or silence.
    • Recognize and understand your attachment style to communicate your needs and have healthier relationships. Don't dismiss concerns or be with someone who makes you feel dismissed, as it can be damaging to your mental health. Learn from past experiences and move towards a more secure attachment style.
    • Knowing your attachment style in relationships can help you understand your needs and boundaries. While it's possible to find a partner who offers a secure dynamic, it's important to not project that onto every person you meet. Continue working on yourself and being aware of situations that may trigger your attachment style.
    • Use a quality control system to find a partner, like meeting friends and asking questions. Don't let cynicism stop you from finding love, but maintain healthy skepticism. You can be happy without a man, but it's okay to want one. Trust your instincts and stay true to yourself while looking for love.
    • Cynicism is not synonymous with hatred towards men. It is a mindset that allows women to approach relationships and life with caution and a desire for knowledge. It is okay to wait for a partner who brings value to your life instead of settling for less.
    • Misogyny is a real and tangible problem that affects women's lives, while accusations of misandry are often a way for men to avoid accountability for their own problematic behavior. Women should not be blamed or expected to accommodate men's entitlement to their bodies and attention.
    • Many men depend on women for validation and happiness. To ensure healthy relationships, pay attention to behavior and choose partners who align with our values. Encourage the culture of selecting better quality partners to break away from harmful societal norms that perpetuate toxic relationships.
    • Individuals need to actively understand their own needs, set boundaries, and vet potential partners to find a fulfilling and healthy relationship. Non-negotiables, like shared values and lack of controlling behavior, should be established without hesitation. Prioritizing personal agency and self-care is a necessary step towards avoiding unsatisfying or even harmful dynamics.
    • It's essential to set healthy boundaries for yourself, accept help and care from loved ones, and not feel guilty for having non-negotiable standards in a relationship. Women should not have to justify their boundaries or take on a maternal role in relationships. Remember to prioritize self-care and partnership, and don't be afraid to walk away if your standards are not met.
    • Women should have confidence in themselves and their desires to attract the right kind of man. They should not be afraid to ask for what they want and establish mutually beneficial relationships. It is important to be conscious of who they share their energy with and save it for someone who deserves it.
    • Detaching from an abuser is a gradual process, so be gentle with yourself and take small steps towards progress. Patience and self-compassion are key as there may be relapses, but each one is an opportunity to learn and move forward. Remember that change takes time, and seek empowerment through resources such as The Slumflower Hour podcast.

    ūüďĚ Podcast Summary

    Challenging Cultural Norms for Healthy Relationships: Insights from Chidera Eggerue

    In this episode of "The Psychology of Your Twenties" podcast, host Gemma Sbeg interviews special guest Chidera Eggerue (also known as The Slum Flower) about relearning how to have healthy relationships with men and addressing internalized misogyny and patriarchy that affects our dating lives.They discuss topics such as childhood trauma, astrology science, and dynamics in relationships with men.Eggerue emphasizes the importance of recognizing and challenging cultural norms and expectations that perpetuate harmful behaviors, and encourages listeners to explore and establish their own boundaries in relationships.

    The Impact of Motherhood in Our Relationship Choices

    The way we are nurtured by our primary caregivers, especially our mothers, can affect how we approach relationships with men.If we had a lack of care and concern for our emotions from our mothers, we may seek validation and acceptance from men who make us feel like we have to earn their love.This can result in us ending up in situations where we feel coerced into doing things and begging for love.It's important to observe our relationship with our parents, especially if they were abusive towards us, as it can inform the way we allow things to happen in our lives.Walking away from a toxic parental relationship can make it easier to walk away from unhealthy relationships in the future.

    The impact of primary caregiver relationships on adult relationships.

    The relationship with our primary caregiver, usually our parents, has a significant impact on our adult relationships.Many people struggle because they have not eliminated the main source of deep pain, trauma, and triggers that their primary caregiver may have created.It can be painful to detach from them and unlearn what they have taught us about what we deserve.However, it is crucial to mental detachment before physically moving out.Watching videos of people with similar experiences can help us realize that our experiences are not isolated.Understanding the background of our caregiver can also help us understand the monster we are working with and stand up for ourselves in other relationships.

    Understanding and Overcoming Abusive Relationships.

    Being in an abusive relationship can make you feel guilty and like you're trapped.It's important to protect yourself and understand that the abuse is not your fault.It may take many attempts to leave the abuser, but it's important to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and love.It's natural to feel scared and unsure about leaving, but sticking around only prevents you from living your life to the fullest.Remember that the way you were treated as a child can shape how you believe you deserve to be treated, but breaking that cycle is possible and necessary for your well-being.

    The Impact of Primary Caregiver on Attachment Styles

    The relationship we have with our primary caregiver directly impacts our attachment style, affecting how we attach ourselves to romantic interests, friends, jobs, and locations.If we were taught that love is never freely given, we may never expect it and might not welcome love because it feels like fear.As adults, people may offer us love and care, but fear is always in the back of our minds, wondering when the other shoe will drop.A bad first boyfriend in high school is not the same as an avoiding attachment style that comes from abuse.An anxious preoccupied attachment style shows up when someone goes quiet, leading to seeking reassurance from that person.

    Understanding Attachment Styles: Protecting Yourself from Emotional Harm

    In a conversation about attachment styles, Chidera Eggerue explains how her brain detaches from men when she feels potential rejection in order to protect herself from getting hurt.She notes that it can be a common defense mechanism for people who fear rejection.However, she also warns against dismissing concerns and being with someone who makes you feel dismissed, as it can be triggering and damaging to your mental health.She encourages individuals to learn from their past experiences and move towards a more secure attachment style.Understanding our attachment style can help us communicate our needs and maintain healthier relationships.

    The Importance of Understanding Your Attachment Style in Relationships

    The speaker took an attachment style test online which told her she was secure, but she doesn't fully believe it because she still has moments of insecurity and requires a securely built foundation in any intimate relationship.While it's possible to find men who are working on themselves and who can offer a secure dynamic, it's important to not project that possibility onto every man she meets.It's okay to have needs and to be cautious in matters of love.Attachment styles can be triggered by certain situations, so it's important to continue working on oneself and being aware of one's needs and boundaries.

    Focusing on who they are now matters more than their past

    The key takeaway from this section is to focus on who someone is right now, not who they were in the past.When looking for a partner, it's important to go through a quality control system, like meeting friends and asking questions.It's okay to be cynical after a heartbreak, but it's important to not let that cynicism stop you from finding love.You don't need a man to be happy, but it's okay to want one.At the same time, it's important to maintain a healthy level of cynicism to avoid being hurt again.Trust your instincts and stay true to yourself.

    The Power of Cynicism in Navigating Narcissism and Unfair Treatment towards Women

    Cynicism can be a helpful reaction to narcissistic people and a world that does not always treat women fairly.Being cynical does not mean you cannot find joy or that you hate men.It means you want to know more and be cautious.It is okay to wait and be single until you find someone who brings value to your life, rather than settling for someone who does not.Misandry means hating men but being cynical is different from hating men.

    The speaker challenges accusations of misandry by highlighting the real effects of misogyny on women and exposing men's entitlement to women's attention and bodies.

    The speaker is often called a misandrist for speaking out against misogyny and holding men accountable.However, she questions why men and women accuse her of hating men when she can't see how men are marginalized by misogyny.Women face tangible violence and marginalization due to misogyny, while men are upset that the speaker won't give them attention or sleep with them.This shows that men often feel entitled to women's bodies and attention.The speaker also shares her experience of receiving hateful messages from a man who blamed her for his dating struggles.This highlights the misogyny and entitlement that women often face online.

    Choosing Quality Partners: A Conscious Effort Towards Healthy Relationships.

    Men often project their fears and insecurities onto women, including the idea that women need a man to be happy and fulfilled.However, in reality, many men cannot live without the touch and validation of a woman.It's important to remember that not all men are bad, but it's also important to have a quality control system in place when choosing partners.This involves consciously listening and watching their behavior to make sure their words and actions align.It cannot simply happen by chance.By encouraging women to date better men, we can break away from harmful societal norms and create healthy, fulfilling relationships.

    Taking Responsibility for Your Own Relationship Happiness

    The key takeaway from this section is that it's important for individuals to take responsibility for their own happiness in relationships.This means understanding one's own needs, setting boundaries, and vetting potential partners to ensure they align with those needs and values.Non-negotiables should be established, such as financial stability, shared values, and lack of controlling behavior.These boundaries should not be seen as inappropriate or demanding, but rather as a necessary step towards finding a fulfilling and healthy relationship.It's important to prioritize personal agency and self-care in relationships, rather than settling for unsatisfying or even harmful dynamics.

    The Importance of Self-Care in Building Healthy Relationships

    Learning to accept care and help from people who love you is essential in developing healthy interdependence.It's okay to set standards for yourself and not feel guilty for it.Women should not have to explain or justify their non-negotiables while men often don't have to.Women tend to subconsciously seek a maternal or matriarchal role in their relationships, which can create an unhealthy dynamic.It's important to remember that you are a partner, not a mother figure, in your relationships.It's also okay to walk away when your standards are not met, without feeling the need to explain yourself.Women should not have to make themselves smaller or cut themselves into smaller pieces for men.

    Embracing Healthy Cynicism: How Women Can Find the Right Kind of Man

    The key takeaway from this section is that women should embrace healthy cynicism and recognize that not all men are built to live up to their greatness, but the right kind of men are out there.To attract the right kind of man, women must have confidence and believe that they deserve someone who can bring the experiences they desire to their life.Women should not be afraid to ask men for things they want, as men often extract emotional labor from women for free.It is important for women to establish mutually beneficial relationships that are two-sided and to be conscious of who they share their generous nature around.Women should save their energy for the man who deserves it, and not waste it on those who do not.

    Detaching from Abusers: A Process of Self-Kindness and Progress

    The key takeaway from this section is to remember that detaching from any kind of abuser is a process, and it's important to be kind to yourself and take baby steps towards progress.It's not something that can be transformed overnight.There may be relapses, but with each relapse, one is still progressing.One day, things will not be the same, and it's important to keep moving forward and to remember that change is the only promise in life.Additionally, if you enjoyed this conversation or are dealing with similar questions, check out The Slumflower Hour podcast for more insights and empowering messages.

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