2 Ways to Deepen Your Connection with Your Partner & The Key to Strong and Lasting Relationships

    Focusing on gratitude and positive habits, like saying thank you based on meaningful acts, can greatly impact relationships. Avoid comparing your partner to others and communicate directly with them about issues to build a lasting relationship.

    enApril 07, 2023

    About this Episode

    Today, I talk to John and Julie Gottman to discuss how to strengthen relationships. Dr. Julie and John share their thoughts on why we should stop being the person who we think our partners like and start being our genuine selves, what can we do to build and/or improve intimacy with our partner, and how to deal with the changes you and your partner go through without losing the connection and stay committed to each other. 

    Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is a co-founder and President of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with her husband John Gottman. For over 40 years they have devoted their life to the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships through the training of clinicians and the creation of transformative products for couples around the world. 

    You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon.

    What We Discuss:

    • 00:00 Intro
    • 02:08 What qualities should we focus on when we start dating a person?
    • 05:25 We are always molding ourselves in accordance to someone else’s preferences
    • 11:09 The role of self-esteem and self awareness in healthy relationships
    • 16:57 What happens when we limit ourselves in meeting people online
    • 24:45 Why asking a ‘big’ question is important in building intimacy?
    • 28:27 How do you deal with your partner and the constant changes they go through?
    • 33:36 Finding new ways to stay connected with your partner
    • 38:58 This is why you need to focus more on the positive aspects of your relationship
    • 42:57 Expressing gratitude and explaining why you’re thankful ads more depth to the moment
    • 50:00 Is there a way to know if a relationship can last?   

    Episode Resources

    Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    🔑 Key Takeaways

    • The Gottmans stress the importance of seeking kindness and reliability when choosing a partner, as it indicates their character.
    • It's important to be true to yourself in a relationship, rather than changing to please your partner or societal norms. Recognize and address any manipulation or control, and celebrate each other's unique beauty.
    • To have healthy relationships, seek trusted individuals to talk about your experiences. Become self-aware and build self-esteem to rediscover passions for personal growth. Remember happy times for self-identification.
    • Rediscover yourself through your passions and prioritize finding a partner who values trust and connection over perfection. Keep in mind that there is no guaranteed list of qualities to look for in a partner.
    • Building trust takes time, but it starts with feeling safe. Relationships require meaningful communication and face-to-face interactions. Prioritize creating intimacy, connection, and joy rather than chasing perfection in your search for a partner.
    • Asking big, open-ended questions can help build intimacy and lead to deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Don't assume you know everything about someone - there's always something new to learn.
    • In relationships, it's important to remain open and accepting of change, even when it challenges our own views. By asking big questions and staying curious about our partner's evolution, we can grow together like the sea.
    • Accepting and valuing your partner's interests and passions, being willing to compromise and work together to find common ground can lead to a strong and lasting relationship. Communication and support are key.
    • Supporting your partner's beliefs and experiences and focusing on the positives can deepen love and improve the relationship.
    • Focusing on the positives in a relationship can improve health and longevity while a negative mindset can cause irritability and reduced cooperation. Appreciation must be shown meaningfully.
    • Focusing on gratitude and positive habits, like saying thank you based on meaningful acts, can greatly impact relationships. Avoid comparing your partner to others and communicate directly with them about issues to build a lasting relationship.
    • Consistency, empathy, and valuing each other are crucial for a lasting relationship. Trusting your partner and putting in the work are necessary for a successful marriage.
    • Actively cultivate healthy relationships and inject adventure or intimacy, instead of relying on partners to magically create them. Identify connections that don't serve us and combat loneliness for overall well-being.
    • Don't settle for just anyone when looking for connection. Take the time to assess if the person will nourish you or drain you. Building strong relationships takes effort but will help you escape loneliness.

    📝 Podcast Summary

    The Daily J: Mindfulness Tools for a Stress-Free Life

    In this episode of the On Purpose podcast, Jay Shetty introduces a new offering called The Daily J, a daily series on calm that provides listeners with tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. Each episode is only seven minutes long, making it easy to incorporate into even the busiest schedule. In this episode, Jay welcomes renowned marriage researchers and educators Dr. John and Julie Gottman to discuss their new book, Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy. The Gottmans stress the importance of looking for kindness and reliability in a potential partner, emphasizing that how someone treats others is a clear indication of their character.

    Acceptance and Authenticity in Relationships

    In a relationship, it is important for a person to feel accepted for who they truly are. Baggage from past experiences may lead someone to try and mold themselves into what they think their partner wants, but this often leads to feeling stifled and controlled. It takes time to realize when someone is manipulating or controlling you, but it is important to recognize and address it. People often struggle with being true to themselves because in society there is a culture of criticism and a need to fit into certain standards. It is important to acknowledge that each individual is unique and has their own beauty.

    Creating a Clear Reflection of Yourself

    We need to create our own mirror that reflects our strengths and challenges without the distortions of others' mirrors of us. It is important to have self-awareness and self-esteem to have healthy relationships, and seeking people who you trust and talking to them about your experiences is essential for the building blocks of change. Following your own passions is also vital to rediscover yourself after a painful experience. Remembering a time when you were happy and fulfilled can help you identify your passions and be more self-aware.

    Reconnecting with Your Passions and Finding Trust in Relationships

    It is important to reconnect with your passions and hobbies, as they can bring you joy and help you rediscover who you are outside of a relationship. Additionally, it is important to find someone you can trust in a relationship, someone who accepts you for who you are and thinks about what benefits both partners. In today's dating world with the paradox of choice, it can be difficult to know what to look for in a partner. Researchers have found that there is no set list of qualities that will guarantee someone liking another person, so focus on finding trust and connection instead of the idea of the "perfect" partner.

    Fostering Safe and Trustworthy Relationships

    In dating and relationships, it's important to focus on how you feel with the other person, both emotionally and physically. The key to building trust is feeling safe around that person. Trust takes time and effort to build, but feeling safe is an immediate way to start. It's important to ask big questions in relationships and focus on creating something meaningful with the person you're with, instead of constantly chasing perfection. Meeting up with someone face-to-face is essential and internet searches shouldn't be relied upon solely. There is no perfect formula or recipe for finding the perfect partner, but focusing on creating intimacy, connection, and joy can lead to a successful relationship.

    The Importance of Recognizing We Can Never Truly Know Someone

    The idea that we can never truly know someone is important when it comes to our relationships with others, as we may discover new things about them even after years of being together. Asking big questions, which cannot be answered with a simple yes or no, is a great way to build intimacy and learn more about the people in our lives. It's important to recognize that we can't just assume we know everything about someone once we've been with them for a long time, as there is always something new to learn. This understanding can lead to deeper and more fulfilling relationships with our partners, friends, and family members.

    Evolving Together: Staying Curious and Open in Relationships

    As human beings, we are constantly evolving and changing, influenced by the powers and forces of the world around us. This means that if we don't continue to ask big questions, we may have an outdated picture of our partner in our minds. Building loving relationships with people means accepting everything about them, even the things that may be challenging for us. When our partner goes through an evolution or develops a new interest that we may not necessarily vibe with, it's important to try to understand their passion and what it fulfills in them. Love means staying curious and open to our partner's changing form, like the sea, and staying tuned to each other by asking big questions.

    Being Adaptable and Understanding in a Relationship.

    In a healthy relationship, it's important to understand and accept your partner's interests and passions, even if they differ from your own. Being adaptable and flexible is key, and requires thinking beyond yourself and being open to compromise. It takes effort and maturity, but it's necessary for a strong and lasting relationship. Working together to understand and find common ground can lead to growth and discovery for both partners. It's okay for individuals to have different paths and beliefs, as long as they are willing to communicate and find a way to support each other.

    The Importance of Embracing your Partner's Personal Journey

    It is important to embrace and support your partner's personal journey, even if it may differ from yours. It is crucial to understand and acknowledge the value and significance of your partner's beliefs and experiences. Staying curious and understanding your partner's choices from a spiritual perspective can lead to a deeper connection and growth in love. Additionally, it is essential to appreciate and focus on the positive things your partner does for the relationship, rather than pointing out mistakes and criticisms. Research shows that people miss 50% of the positive things their partner does in an unhappy relationship, so actively noticing and acknowledging the positives can have a significant impact on the relationship.

    The Importance of a Positive Relationship Mindset

    Focusing on the positive in a relationship is crucial to one's health and longevity. A negative mindset can make one more irritable, vindictive, and less cooperative. Studies show that viewing negative behaviour as a response causes a reduction in lifespan. However, changing one's mindset to appreciate and notice what's going right can increase positivity in a relationship. It's essential to show appreciation meaningfully and deeply rather than just repeating compliments that partners may not know how to receive. Sage shoes provide excellent support and comfort, making them perfect for women who walk for wellness.

    The Power of Gratitude and Positive Habits in Relationships

    It took the speaker two years to change their negative habits into more positive ones. They realized that focusing on themselves and being grateful for the good things in their life helped them see the world in a more positive light. The habit of saying thank you based on why the act was meaningful, rather than just a generic thank you, had a big impact on their relationship. It's easy to focus on the negative aspects of a relationship, but magnifying the positive qualities of a partner and not constantly comparing them to others is crucial for a lasting relationship. Small actions of comparison and negativity can lead to relationships that don't last. It's important to talk to your partner about your issues instead of venting to others.

    The Importance of Commitment in Relationships

    Commitment is the key to a lasting relationship. Both partners must focus on what they have and treasure each other. Consistency and empathy are important indicators of commitment. If your partner consistently shows up and treasures all aspects of you, it's a good sign. It's also important to feel valued, treasured, and loved for who you are. A marriage is about putting all your eggs in one basket and trusting your partner. Your partner is saying that you're the love of their life, and they have nothing else to offer anyone else. A relationship lasts if you're willing to put in the work and truly want it to last.

    Bringing Love and Commitment to Relationships

    It's important to actively bring qualities like love, understanding, commitment, and consistency to our relationships instead of just looking for them in our partners. In today's society, people can be distracted, bored, or emotionally numb due to their own pain in life. Therefore, if we want to inject adventure or intimacy into our relationships, we need to be the ones to take action, rather than just hope for our partners to magically create something. It's also important to identify the connections in our lives that don't serve us and can contribute to feelings of loneliness. By actively cultivating healthy relationships, we can combat loneliness and increase our overall well-being.

    Choosing the Right Relationships

    When you're feeling lonely, it can be tempting to turn to the first person who comes along for connection. However, it's important to carefully assess people to determine if they are demanding, selfish, or draining. You need to evaluate what relationships provide true nourishment, even if it takes effort to forge the foundation of a strong new relationship. Building a sandcastle for cold water is a metaphor for taking the necessary steps to create relationships that give you strength and nourishment. Such relationships are like cold water in the desert - they will help you find your way out of the wasteland of loneliness.

    Recent Episodes from On Purpose with Jay Shetty

    Laura Lynne Jackson: How to Know What Your Inner Voice Really Means & 4 Steps to Tap into Your Own Psychic Abilities

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    With Love and Gratitude,

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    06:59 We All Have Psychic Abilities

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    49:32 What Does Infatuation Mean?

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    01:42:44 Laura on Final Five

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    10 Steps on How To Set Boundaries Without Offending People

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    How to build confidence in setting boundaries

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    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    01:31 Boundaries Are Often Tough to Set

    03:45 #1: Redefine What Your Boundaries Are

    09:05 #2: Clearly Communicate Your Boundaries

    11:48 #3: Be Kind, Honest, and Empathetic to Other People’s Reaction

    15:07 #4: You Subconsciously Sound Defensive When Setting Your Boundaries

    17:53 #5: Plan a Buffer

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Tiffany Haddish: 4 Ways to Navigate Complicated Family Relationships & How to Have Hard Conversations You are Avoiding

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    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

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    31:36 She’s Not My Mom Anymore

    37:46 Processing and Dealing with Grief

    43:36 Resenting and Forgiving My Father

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    57:59 Self Care is a Process

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    01:25:09 TIffany on Final Five

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Why You Are Restricting Your Desires in Your Relationship & How to Stop Blocking Yourself from the Happiness You Deserve with Lisa Bilyeu

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    With Love and Gratitude,

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    00:00 Intro

    03:32 How Do You Define Confidence?

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    16:13 The Frame of Reference

    19:36 Everything Is A Risk

    27:42 Non-Negotiables in Relationships

    34:41 Conversations That Don’t Break Relationships

    41:30 Who Leads, Who Follows

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    54:57 Don’t Assume, Find a Compromise

    59:21 Growth Mindset With Your Partner

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Matthew Hussey: 5 Reasons Why There is No Such Thing As The Right Person At The Wrong Time & How to Stop Missing Your Ex

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    What are healthy ways to deal with a breakup?

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    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    04:20 Where Does Your Idea of Love Come From?

    10:34 What Differentiates a Peaceful to a Boring Relationship?

    19:35 What Are Your Must-Haves in a Relationship?

    31:47 Tactics Are Different From Relationship Standards

    39:59 Egoic Standards Versus Setting Standards for Happiness

    51:20 Practice Having Real and Difficult Conversations

    01:04:48 The Importance of Communicating Your Thoughts and Feelings

    01:08:25 Is Your Partner the Right One for You?

    01:15:05 Dealing with the Different Phases of Heartbreak

    01:26:31 What’s Next for Matthew?    

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    7 Ways to Reduce the Time You Spend Overthinking & Make Better Decisions Quicker

    7 Ways to Reduce the Time You Spend Overthinking & Make Better Decisions Quicker

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    How can you break the cycle of overthinking?

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    How to use physical movement for mental clarity

    How to focus on positives and small wins

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    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    00:52 Has Overthinking Slowed You Down?

    07:53 The Science Behind Overthinking

    10:50 #1: Overthinking as a Problem-Solving Approach

    14:24 #2: Don’t Ask Too Many People For Their Opinion

    18:19 #3: Avoid Responding While You’re Feeling Alarmed

    19:17 #4: Move Your Body When Your Mind Is Stuck

    20:32 #5: Focus on the Good Thing and Small Wins

    22:05 #6: Spontaneous Drawings Relieve Psychological Stress

    24:23 #7: Go Back to Analog

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Orlando Bloom: 3 Reasons Why You Need to Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes & Shift Your Perspective on Fear

    Orlando Bloom: 3 Reasons Why You Need to Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes & Shift Your Perspective on Fear

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    Do you want to shift your perspective on fear? 

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    With Love and Gratitude,
    Jay Shetty

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    06:09 What’s Your Earliest Childhood Fear?
    08:35 Practicing Buddhism
    13:49 The Lotus Sutra
    20:16 The 8 Wins
    26:28 Trusting Your Life and Becoming Capable
    36:33 Being Present While on the Edge
    44:48 Any Moment Could Be Your Last
    45:43 The Deepest Mirror You’ll Ever Have
    48:58 What Did You Learn from Your Past Relationships?
    51:22 Introducing Buddhism Practice to My Kids
    55:33 Whatever You’re Saying, You Become
    01:02:22 Loving the Parenting Journey
    01:07:16 The Impacts of Your Decisions
    01:09:13 Opportunities Through Obstacles
    01:17:40 Buddhism Is My Anchor
    01:18:59 The Fear You’re Currently Overcoming
    01:26:04 Orlando Bloom on Final Five

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    4 Ways to Know if It Is Time To End Your Relationship (When the Signs Are Not Clear and Things are Not Bad)

    4 Ways to Know if It Is Time To End Your Relationship (When the Signs Are Not Clear and Things are Not Bad)

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    Do you and your partner have unresolved conflicts that keep resurfacing?

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    In this episode you’ll learn:

    How to recognize emotional investment

    How to assess emotional security

    How to consider financial implications

    How to navigate emotional intimacy

    This honest conversation provides you with the insights to evaluate your relationship more clearly, helping you decide whether to work on it or move on, based on a deeper understanding of your feelings and the relationship's dynamics.

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    01:10 When to End Your Relationship

    04:48 10 Reason Why People Stay in a Relationship

    12:44 Top 10 Reasons to Leave Your Relationship

    18:14 The Three Cancers of the Mind

    24:44 Difference in Scorecard Perspective

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Benny Blanco: 3 Ways to Stop Caring About Failure & Get Out of Your Own Way

    Benny Blanco: 3 Ways to Stop Caring About Failure & Get Out of Your Own Way

    How can you overcome the fear of failure?

    What can you do daily to care less about failing?

    Today, Jay sits down with Benny Blanco for an inspiring conversation about pursuing passions, mentorship, failure, and continuous motivation. Benny has made a huge mark on the music industry contributing to hundreds of millions of album sales worldwide. Benny has worked with A-List artists like Ed Sheeran, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry. As a solo artist, his albums "Friends Keep Secrets" and its sequel have amassed over 11 billion streams, featuring multiple platinum hits. Beyond music, Benny has ventured into television and even released a cookbook, "Open Wide," showcasing his diverse talents and interests

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    In this interview, you’ll learn:

    How to pursue your passion with limited resources

    How to not let failure get in your way of achieving your goals

    How to embrace the unexpected in creative work

    How to transition your passion into different fields

    How to find joy and creativity in everyday moments

    Don't miss this intimate look at Benny Blanco's life and maybe learn a thing or two about making your own multi-track masterpiece or the perfect dish to serve at dinner!

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    03:43 What’s the First Creative Thing You Put Together?

    06:15 I Never Cared About Failure

    10:33 Developing Amnesia to Failure

    14:22 How Did You Meet Your Mentor?

    18:10 “The Boy I Mentored” 

    23:42 How Do You Show Up After a Rejection?

    26:51 Love Can Be Felt Through Music

    29:56 What Do You Do When You Wake Up?   

    32:02 Why Do You Struggle with Meditation?

    33:28 Why I Went to Therapy

    38:25 The Pressure of Perfectionism

    44:49 Do You Love to Cook?

    47:20 Do You Eat Healthy?

    48:47 Finding Comfort in Food

    54:42 What’s Your Sleep Pattern?

    56:40 Friendships Built Over the Years

    59:19 Multigenerational Friendships

    01:03:44 Better Relationship After Divorce

    01:05:52 Benny on Final Five   

    01:15:57 What’s Your Vice?

    01:17:53 Do You Take Supplements?

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Why Your Self Worth is Keeping You Stuck & How to Stop Sabotaging Your Personal Growth With Jamie Kern Lima

    Why Your Self Worth is Keeping You Stuck & How to Stop Sabotaging Your Personal Growth With Jamie Kern Lima

    How does low self-worth stop you from moving forward?

    How can you stop self-sabotage and grow personally?

    Today, let’s welcome Jamie Kern Lima. Jamie is a New York Times bestselling author, founder of IT Cosmetics, a company she started in her living room and sold to L'Oreal in a billion-dollar deal, becoming the first female CEO of a brand in its 100+ year history. She's also an active philanthropist who has funded leadership training in more than 100 prisons and shelters across the US, and has donated over $40 million in product and funds to help women face the effects of cancer with confidence. 

    Jamie and Jay ponder on the meaning of self-worth, distinguishing it from mere confidence and challenging the misguided belief that our value is tied to our physical appearance. We get to hear the detrimental effects of self-doubt and present empowering strategies to transform your relationship with rejection, offering a new perspective that fosters resilience and self-compassion. 

    And then the conversation dives deep into personal beliefs, urging us to identify and discard unhelpful misconceptions, while giving emphasis on why authenticity is crucial and its role in conjunction with other factors in achieving success. 

    In this interview, you'll learn:

    How to build self-worth

    How to distinguish confidence from self-worth

    How to handle rejection

    How to overcome self-doubt

    How to remain authentic

    Together, let's learn how to distinguish your worth from external validation, turn rejection into a stepping stone, and live authentically.

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    03:17 Do You Feel Worthy Today?

    10:04 Confusing Confidence with Self Worth

    17:37 Your Weight Impacts Your Worth is a Lie 

    24:03 What Has Self Doubt Cost You?

    31:25 How to Change Your Relationship with Rejection

    37:02 The 4-Part R to Reframe Rejection

    44:00 You Need This Today

    48:13 Which Lie Are You Trying to Unlearn? 

    56:32 Authenticity Alone Doesn’t Guarantee Success

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.