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    30: Vanessa Van Edwards | How to Captivate with Social Cues

    Be mindful of nonverbal cues and respect others' comfort levels to build connections effectively and respectfully.

    en-usApril 17, 2018

    About this Episode

    Vanessa Van Edwards (@vvanedwards) is the lead investigator at human behavior research lab Science of People and author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People.

    What We Discuss with Vanessa Van Edwards:

    • How to make a graceful exit with social cues.
    • How to nicely interrupt someone with social cues.
    • How to introduce someone whose name you don't remember.
    • How to show someone you are (or are not) attracted to them with social cues.
    • How to show someone you don't believe them with social cues.
    • And much more...

    Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course!Β 

    Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!

    Full show notes and resources can be found here.

    πŸ”‘ Key Takeaways

    • Sharing your home on Airbnb not only generates income but also allows you to welcome travelers, making them feel cherished with personal touches and a private entrance.
    • Use verbal cues like mentioning future plans or wrapping up a topic to signal the end of a conversation and leave a positive impression.
    • Be polite and acknowledge interruptions, make smooth transitions and build strong relationships.
    • Using someone's name can help smooth social situations, make introductions more effective, and create better connections.
    • Demonstrate social approval through laughter, eye contact, and other signs of engagement to make new connections feel like you're already acquainted, and use 'bookmarking' to signal when you'll finish speaking to prevent interruptions.
    • Use nonverbal cues like 'fish face' or hand signals to manage interruptions and maintain the flow of conversations, allowing everyone's ideas to be heard
    • Effective communication involves speaking clearly, listening actively, understanding nonverbal cues, respecting personal boundaries, allowing others to speak, and exiting conversations gracefully.
    • Using polite excuses like going to greet someone or refilling a drink can help maintain positive interactions and avoid awkwardness at social events. Awareness of body language and social cues can also help communicate disinterest and set boundaries.
    • Nodding shows agreement, interest, and engagement. More nods mean more interest. Combine with smiles, laughter, and touch for added attraction. Fewer nods can signal disinterest. Tilt head to maintain engagement without constant nodding. Be aware of hand gestures, as they can also convey agreement or attraction.
    • Awareness of nonverbal cues' contextual meanings can enhance communication effectiveness and build stronger relationships
    • Acknowledging jokes with a verbal response can prevent misunderstandings and maintain respect in professional interactions. Approaching interactions with VIPs and influential individuals with respect can lead to valuable relationships.
    • Be mindful of nonverbal cues and respect others' comfort levels to build connections effectively and respectfully.
    • Recognizing and responding appropriately to bids for connection strengthens relationships. Bids can be verbal, nonverbal, or physical, and ignoring or misinterpreting them can lead to misunderstandings and damaged relationships.
    • Be mindful of others' comfort levels and respect their personal space to foster positive interactions and build strong relationships
    • Listen to Jordan Harbinger's podcast for valuable information, engage with the community, and apply learnings to improve your life. Check out jordanharbinger.com/podcast for worksheets and resources.

    πŸ“ Podcast Summary

    Creating an inviting Airbnb space

    Turning your home into an Airbnb not only brings in extra income but also allows you to share a piece of your world with travelers. Jen and Jordan discussed their personal experience of incorporating an Airbnb-inspired design into their own home, complete with a private exterior door and personal touches for guests. They emphasized the importance of making guests feel welcomed and cherished, and encouraged hosts to discover the value of their homes at airbnb.com/host. Additionally, they touched on the topic of social cues, discussing how to gracefully exit social situations, show disbelief, and interrupt conversations in a polite manner.

    Gracefully exiting a conversation

    Effective communication isn't just about starting conversations or making great first impressions; it also involves knowing how to gracefully exit a conversation. According to body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards, this skill is essential to avoid awkward situations and leave a positive impression. Her recommended approach includes giving verbal cues, such as mentioning future plans or wrapping up the topic at hand, to signal that the conversation is coming to an end. By using these techniques, you can ensure that your interactions leave a lasting, positive impact. Remember, a graceful exit is just as important as a strong entrance.

    Mindful communication in interruptions

    Effective communication involves being mindful of how we enter and exit conversations. Interruptions can be awkward, but if handled correctly, they don't have to be. If you're the interrupter, it's your responsibility to make a smooth transition. This means introducing yourself and acknowledging that you may have interrupted. If you're the person being interrupted, try not to be caught off guard. Instead, respond graciously and engage in the new conversation. If you're the person who knows both parties, act as a facilitator and introduce them to each other. And if you're interrupted by someone who isn't polite, assertively introduce yourself and continue the conversation. Remember, clear communication is key to avoiding awkward situations and building strong relationships.

    Using names to make a good first impression

    Introducing yourself and using someone else's name can help make a good first impression and smooth out social situations. Using someone's name puts the onus on them to introduce themselves, and when you're in a group, finding someone with open body language and making eye contact while asking to join their conversation can help you enter the group more gracefully. Additionally, using strategies like interrupting smoothly or carrying on a conversation after being introduced can help you navigate social situations more effectively. Remember, the goal is to make others feel comfortable and included, which can lead to better connections and interactions.

    Assume Familiarity for Social Proof

    When entering a new social situation or trying to make a connection, people often assume that you already know each other. This assumption gives you social proof and helps you get in. You can use this to your advantage by demonstrating social approval through laughter, eye contact, and other signs of engagement. This "warm up" makes you feel like you're already part of the group, even if people don't know your name yet. Additionally, be aware of interrupters who may cut into your conversations. To deal with them, use "bookmarking" to let them know how long you'll be speaking before you start, giving them a mental cue to wait. Interrupters often interrupt out of fear of silences or running out of things to say, so giving them a clear signal of when you'll finish can help prevent interruptions.

    Managing Interruptions in Meetings or Conversations

    Effective communication in meetings or conversations involves understanding and managing interruptions. Interruptions can come in various forms, such as those who interrupt to bookmark a point for later or those who interrupt to prove their own interest in the conversation. To prevent or manage interruptions, nonverbal cues can be used. One method is to display a "fish face" when you're interrupted, making the interrupter feel rude and giving you a chance to continue speaking. Another method is to use a hand signal, such as holding your hand out with your palm facing the interrupter, which can act as a subtle pause or a request for them to stop talking briefly. These techniques can help maintain the flow of conversations and ensure that everyone's ideas are heard.

    Effective communication includes understanding nonverbal cues and respecting personal boundaries

    Effective communication involves not only speaking clearly and actively listening, but also understanding nonverbal cues and being mindful of personal boundaries. Touch can be an effective form of communication, but it's essential to respect individual comfort levels. In professional situations, it's important to allow others to speak and avoid interrupting or dominating conversations. To gracefully exit a conversation, a soft compliment or expressing appreciation can be an effective strategy. Remember, effective communication is a two-way street that requires empathy, respect, and active engagement.

    Effective excuses for leaving social conversations

    Using casual excuses to leave conversations at social events can be an effective way to maintain a positive interaction and avoid awkwardness. These excuses, such as going to say hello to someone else or refilling a drink, provide a legitimate reason for leaving and prevent others from feeling offended. Additionally, being aware of body language and social cues can help communicate disinterest or avoid unwanted advances. These strategies can be especially important in professional settings where clear communication and boundaries are essential. Overall, being mindful of social dynamics and using appropriate excuses can lead to more enjoyable and productive networking experiences.

    Effective use of nodding for building rapport

    Nonverbal cues like nodding play a significant role in building rapport and conveying interest in Western cultures. Nodding up and down signifies agreement, listening, and engagement. The more someone nods, the more they seem to be into us. Pairing nodding with other flirtatious cues like smiling, extra loud laughing, and physical touch can intensify the perceived attraction. Conversely, nodding less can signal disinterest. It's a challenging practice to nod less, but tilting the head slightly can help maintain engagement without the need for constant nodding. Additionally, be mindful of hand gestures, as they can also inadvertently convey agreement or attraction. The hurrying up or winding the clock hand gesture is a particularly potent flirtatious cue. Understanding and using these nonverbal cues effectively can help build professional and personal relationships.

    Understanding the Contextual Meaning of Nonverbal Cues

    Our nonverbal cues, such as smiling, can convey different meanings depending on the context. In space, gestures like stirring soup can have unique meanings due to the absence of gravity. On Earth, smiling can be seen as friendly but also submissive. It's important to be aware of these nuances and use nonverbal cues authentically. For instance, smiling upon first impression can create a warm atmosphere, but holding a forced smile can come across as disingenuous. Similarly, the "guilty laugh" – laughing at a joke that isn't funny – can be a habit worth breaking. Overall, being mindful of our nonverbal cues can help us navigate social situations more effectively.

    Acknowledging humor keeps conversations professional

    Using fake laughter or not addressing inappropriate jokes can lead to misunderstandings and potentially unwanted situations. Instead, acknowledging the humor with a verbal response can keep conversations professional and respectful. This is especially important when interacting with people of higher social status or perceived authority to avoid coming across as submissive or unprofessional. By being mindful of our instincts and striving for good verbal responses, we can make meaningful connections and avoid awkward situations. Additionally, approaching interactions with VIPs or influential individuals with respect and professionalism can lead to valuable relationships and opportunities.

    Misinterpretation and Discomfort in Nonverbal Communication

    Nonverbal communication can be misinterpreted and uncomfortable, especially when it comes from people we don't know well. The speaker shared experiences of being on the receiving end of rude comments and unwanted physical touch from acquaintances trying to establish a friendly rapport. She emphasized that such behaviors are not acceptable from friends and can be intimidating or even aggressive. The speaker also noted that physical touch, including patting, can be perceived as submissive or condescending. Instead, she recommended mirror touch, a form of nonverbal communication where individuals mirror each other's body language, as a more effective and respectful way to build connections. Overall, the conversation underscored the importance of being mindful of nonverbal cues and being considerate of others' comfort levels.

    Responding to bids for connection

    Recognizing and responding appropriately to bids for connection is essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships. Bids can take various forms, including verbal requests, nonverbal cues, or even physical touch. These bids serve as opportunities for affection, reciprocation, and acknowledgment. By responding with gratitude and a reciprocal bid, we can strengthen our connections with others. It's important to remember that everyone experiences bids differently, and respecting others' comfort levels with touch is crucial. Ignoring or misinterpreting bids can lead to misunderstandings and damaged relationships. By being attuned to bids and responding with care and consideration, we can foster deeper, more meaningful connections with those around us.

    Respecting personal boundaries in relationships

    Respecting others' personal boundaries is crucial in building meaningful relationships. The speaker shared an embarrassing experience where she unintentionally violated a professional's personal space during a pitch meeting, leading her to adopt a policy of always letting others initiate physical contact. This incident underscores the importance of being mindful of others' comfort levels and being respectful of their personal space. In professional settings, touch should be kept to a minimum, but in personal interactions, it can be a way to test the connection. Overall, the conversation emphasizes the significance of respecting others' boundaries to foster positive interactions and build strong relationships.

    Learn from Jordan Harbinger's podcast, apply insights to your life, and enjoy worksheets and entertainment

    Jordan Harbinger's podcast offers a variety of content, including worksheets and entertaining personality, which can be found on his Instagram. He encourages listeners to leave genuine reviews on iTunes with unique nicknames to help build credibility. Upcoming episodes include new content, and listeners are encouraged to apply what they learn to their own lives. Additionally, Caesars Palace online casino is now live, offering a wide range of games and benefits for players. Consumers Energy's smart thermostat program is also mentioned as a way to stay cool during warmer days. Overall, the podcast aims to provide valuable information and entertainment, while encouraging listeners to engage and take action in their own lives. Remember to check out the show notes at jordanharbinger.com/podcast for worksheets and other resources.

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