At Five In the Afternoon

Happy birthday to Plus-Sized Domino! Although she ends up saying Talking Heads, let's assume DJ Colorado was trying to say Kraftwerk. And let's assume that KM actually believes that Chief Keef killed Tupac. Rest in Power Jam Master Jay. All this talk of death is of course foreshadowing. It is a literary podcast, after all. It's not synchronicity, it's poetry. Check out and respect Doreen Ketchens, a local New Orleans treasure. This cast is dedicated to KM's grandma, Elaine. 

"There is no death, only a changing of worlds." 
    - Chief Seattle

Welcome to our special guest, Moulin Rouge. And apologies to all the Eye-Talians out there. Fuhgettaboutit!!! Don't worry, J will stop yelling and poetry will come to the forefront, but then he will make everyone turn against him, including Nina. From his voice during his first reading, it's obvious KM has no memory of this cast. Look up a clock and do the mathematical equation. Hard to become a cult leader when you used to be in a cult. Tink tink, tink tink! For the record, our Mexican guest brought up the skinheads. Now sit down and shut up- you're back in History class! It's J Andrews' Big Adventure! Keep listening to find out if there's a basement in the Alamo. Actually, stop listening. DJ Colorado definitely did. But that doesn't stop her from being the greatest DJ of all time!!! Carnival!!!! Death!!! Death!!! God bless Trumpet! And for DJ Colorado: The shut up count ended at 10.

"I never did like this f@cking planet anyways." -d.a.levy. And yes, you CAN get pregnant from pre-cast. Carnival continues! Come join us to celebrate Bacchus on February 11th! Mad respect to Chewbacchus. Let's be honest though, parades are only enjoyable on drugs. And now for a shameless self-promotion from J. Andrews. It is a literary podcast, after all. The Year of Bacchus by J. Andrews is on the way! Pre-order at PornHub.com/AtFiveInTheAfternoon for 20% more on the first edition. Fight commerce by ordering early, or else just become a pirate, but before you make a decision, wait for J to explain to you his answer to world peace! So now that that's solved, let's hear about DJ Colorado seeing Nirvana live. Okay, but even they couldn't Beat jazz- just ask Jack...

If you haven't seen Goodfellas, go f*ck yourself. J. Andrews is way too flamboyant. "'Hello Gub'na!" J. wants to tell you about his feelings. Who's your daddy? Welcome to the neighborhood! DJ Colorado almost kills KM Douglas, but he deserves it because he's poor. Visit SpiritAirlines.com/KMDouglas! (For 20% MORE on all domestic flights). What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? DJ Colorado gets fired! Sports corner! Then she gets re-hired. Then a bathroom break. Be patient, J still has a story to tell! Cheers! (Poetry to follow). Eventually....

Muppets is actually a derogatory term used by the British. Sports corner! Who let the dawgs out!?! More importantly: Who let J. Andrews out? We don't need to tell you not to eat toilet paper. There are many more things to indulge in, including Carnival and Mardi Gras. Shout out to our five new Canadian listeners! Oh, poetry? Whoda thunk? So, we're gonna get dark for a moment. All respect to all victims and their families. Do we need more ecological poetry in the world? Thrilling! Don't ever think this isn't a literary podcast, My Brother... It's our soul's birthright. It's the only thing we know.

How was your Xmas? Who cares. How was your New Year's? Who cares. Polygamist relationships are the best! And so is Mexican Lasagne! This cast is sponsored by Ortega. Visit AtFiveInTheAfternoon.com/Ortega for 10% off a 99 cent packet of taco seasoning. Somehow K.M. makes Jeffrey Epstein seem less creepy... We also help you out with some heart health. And then we save marriages. Hims turned down our endorsement offer, so don't buy it. Stand up against AI, "for we are fighting for the very soul of the world". Now poetry...

We're not concerned, DJ Khalid's wife does not listen to this podcast, but DJ Khalid definitely does. Shut up! Numbers are only made for Alien Women. Spoiler alert: DJ Colorado is a 10/10!!! Happy Birthday Black Jesus! No way Jesus was white nor born in December. J was right about Gremlins 2. T.S. Eliot was right about sherbet. Are you ready for a real Xmas poem? Then we exchange gifts. And J is loving it! Turns out KM is pretty good at giving gifts, although it would be better if he gave them a coffee table to go with the coffee table book. Spoiler Alert: The butt knuckle has receded!! Pictures do not tell the whole story. It's too easy to get caught in the spider's web. We should have named this Anal Bead Rosary! Come and get it big boy!

First off, f*ck x-mas, then let's remember one of the greatest musicians of our time- without shying away from the fact that his murderer, like J & K.M., listened to Pink Floyd on acid (and it wasn't "Ummagumma", it was "Atom Heart Mother")- but we didn't kill a cultural icon! After our respectful memorial celebrating the dead Beatle, we seamlessly transition into sports. Now let's talk about the greatest American documentary filmmakers since the 1960's. It only gets worse from here... Then we eventually get to some poetry. You're welcome. And dead serious- if you actually try to donate to Axl Rose, make sure it's going to the old pug in the Quarter and not the old rocker. Speaking of old, K.M. is incapable of remembering anything. Don't worry, J. Andrews saves the cast by reading a love poem. This is a literary podcast. We want to onomatopoeia on you! What are we talking about? Dirty pleasures? If your guilty pleasure is poetry, then listen til the end- otherwise- unsubscribe. 

Special guest this week: A master of clitoral stimulation, Detroit comedian and close friend, Chuck Mitchell!  Unfortunately, he has to witness J drop his drawers and ask for medical advice about his butt from completely unqualified individuals. Please note: Morgan Freeman does not narrate this. And you thought Butt Fungus was bad. Now he has Cauliflower Butt! And then we ruin Xmas. No one wants a dying kangaroo. Don't blame DJ Colorado for missing this obvious opportunity, but Chuck "once got busy in a Burger King bathroom!" He's crazy! But not as crazy as J. Andrews- his bathroom sex story is way worse. And speaking of things getting worse, the podcast continues...

Cruise ships are death machines. Thank god we have a f*cking DJ! Let's get to some fun stuff before we keep insulting each other's moms. Wanna get high? Try carrots. But only if you want to die... If you don't laugh at our dad jokes then you're as dead as journalism. Send us your best band names for K.M.'s new punk band. And please remember J said he would be the drummer. There are no bad ideas in brainstorming. DJ Colorado was right again. Shout out to The Murder Junkies! Don't try this at home kids, although the kid was home at the time. And then we end with J taking on the ghost of William S. Burroughs and other brave poets... What we're saying is, join our cults. 

We're back! We're live! If you love someone, tell them you love them, and if you love someone, peg them, at least on their birthday. Don't hold your breath, we will not get to the 6 escalators in a minute (it's actually 13 minutes). Hey-o! Turns out dentists have yay-yo! Less surprising, drug dealers are the same no matter where you go. Finally we get to hear what J & Colorado actually did in Columbia. Interesting, but sorry, no hippos. And no sex tourism, although J did go full American Psycho flexing while watching himself f%ck in the wall-to-wall bedside mirror. Oops! Turns out there was some sex tourism. Then K.M. catches us up on what we missed out on since the last cast. Rest in Power Bobi! 

This is the closest you'll ever come to understanding what it's actually like to hang out with us. And then we ruin it with our "normal" cast. J likes to think about when people f*ck! Listen to us stumble over the proper way to describe the servers at Hamburger Mary's. Now let's talk about sex toys! And yes, our segues keep getting worse. Remember: It's not a political podcast, it's a literary podcast, so shut up and listen as DJ Colorado continues to impress as J battles KM's A.I. poetry. This is not a laughing matter. Shirley Temple never punched a police horse, and Judy Garland is not Princess Leia. SALTY SEGMENT!!!! DJ Colorado will be in Vegas all next week! Then Columbia. See you in a few weeks after J & Colorado return from the Uncanny Valley. Adiós, fieles oyentes!

Sobriety. Columbian hookers. Nina's 105th birthday. Buckle up, bitches! Also, we introduce our new weekly segment: Salty. Now we're talking. Salt Bae! It's not funny, it's armageddon! Listen to your leaders: The only way to stop the zombie apocalypse is to drink beer. Hard to tell if drunks or sober people are more annoying. Rolling Stone sucks. Cleveland Rocks! Please make sure you understand that K.M. is reading direct quotes, not speaking on his own behalf. Seriously! Just for public relations sake... You probably know by now we're not good at segues. But it's true crime time! OH!!! IO!!!! "Cowboy boots?" What in the tarnation is going on???" That makes sense. Meth hookers take precedence over the origin of humanity. And yes, J is correct- K.M. does interrupt a lot, but just listen back one episode and see how J admits to interrupting while he's drunk. He also shares why he's a vegetarian. So anyway... Goodbye!

It's actually exactly 5 o'clock!!! Tune in next week for what we promised you last week. To make it up to you, K.M. gives you the easiest bar bet to win. Michael Jackson is the Jesus of basketball. I don't know why we're talking about Cosby. Yes, it gets worse... Not sure, but J maybe messed with Texas. We are caught between time, which is our excuse for why we suck. And no, we do not endorse heroin, unless you're over 70. We have a new pen pal! And it's not Will Smith. The floor is J's. Are you willing you to look yourself in the eye and be honest? Are you scared of pooping? There is no escaping regrets... When the world dies, it dies. Be people and die scared.

When you're here, you're family. Special guest on this episode (no joke)- Boy George! #Remember9/12! And remember Bobi! (But please forget J asking about his d*ck)!  Don't worry, the poetry is on topic, but unfortunately, Batman can't compete with fettuccine alfredo. Wait, why are we talking about Prince? Maybe because he was an alien. Regardless, we all know Colorado lives on a stoney planet. Tune in next week to hear what the Sumerians have to tell us about gold... and the origin story of human life on Earth. 

Yes, we start out by talking about the weather... don't worry, eventually there will be poetry. No reason to be proud of the boys, although it is pretty interesting that white supremacy is not entirely white. Who knew? Speaking of whites, Burning Man was a sh%tshow! Hope you got the 80's movie reference... "Midnight Madness", btw, because I know you didn't. You're welcome. And don't think we're not going to tell you about the dinosaur shrimp! Another 80's movie reference- "Airplane"- Not for the soft-stomached. Please stop listening! We're definitely not billionaires, but at least one of us is out of the closet. Keith Richards is immortal! Do you believe in vampires? We do. Rest in Power to Sir Jimmy Buffet! (I think we all still blame the woman). But it was probably his own damn fault.

Yes, we remember the end of the last cast, and K.M. put the work in to answer last week's question about what happened to Michael Jackson's animals from the Neverland Ranch after his death. Here's what we know: Bubbles outlived Michael. Michael could have used a vet. Seems like Thriller could have used a vet, too. Madonna may be in Oklahoma, but J. Andrews is definitely in Colorado. And we are all aliens. You just got scienced, Karen! Silence is golden.... and black. Then it gets super gay! Respect Arthur Rimbaud & Walt Whitman. Learn some history, bitch! "Arrrr matey!" Pirates never dropped a grumpy. Let's end by getting to the root of it.

Choose the Sword and join us. Otherwise, grab your balls & f@ck your mother. It sounds crazy that a sword fight ended in death in this day & age, but it's not only true, it's also hilarious! There's a reason K.M. knows the difference between sword fighting and swashbuckling... not that there's anything wrong with that! "Tis only a flesh wound!" The Red Dress Run has been co-opted by bros. Surf's up dude! Then car racing... Then the Brittney Spears of football... Who nose? We do our best to discover the original champagne ass. Instead, we discuss llamas and and a chimpanzee. Rest in Power Rodriguez!

If you like to watch kids get hit by 60mph fastballs, check out the Little League World Series! Kids, you might not grow up to be a professional baseball player, but that's no reason not to follow your dream! 😎 Join us as we revisit one of the greatest baseball fights of all time! Eat your heart out, Howard Cosell! The lawnmowers are taking over! Oh, wait, no - the robots! And meanwhile ignorant humans are fighting themselves. DJ Colorado is disappointed with our poetry this week. Guess what the police department here in New Orleans have... Somehow J is convinced of a conspiracy theory that K.M. calls out as complete BS. And K.M. doesn't think the moon landing happened! 🙄 I guess we'll talk about cheerleading next week. Instead we'll mock sovereign citizens getting tased and arrested by rural cops. "What's the matter? Don't you like it?"

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Rest in Power Pee-Wee! That talented man never jerked us around. If there's any Gen Z listeners out there, listen up. This is a literature podcast, so please read The Manchurian Candidate before you watch either of the movies. It's okay to enjoy the idea of our next president to run the country from behind bars. He is a Florida Man after all (although he may be the reason behind the billboard stating: "She's your daughter, not your date.") If you're wondering what leprosy is, just look it up yourself... Shoutout to Joe Thomas! Speaking of hippopotamuses... There's nothing wrong with being a big girl. "Tell'm Large Marge sent ya!" #TeamLizzo