Butt Knuckle and Canker Sore

Happy birthday to Plus-Sized Domino! Although she ends up saying Talking Heads, let's assume DJ Colorado was trying to say Kraftwerk. And let's assume that KM actually believes that Chief Keef killed Tupac. Rest in Power Jam Master Jay. All this talk of death is of course foreshadowing. It is a literary podcast, after all. It's not synchronicity, it's poetry. Check out and respect Doreen Ketchens, a local New Orleans treasure. This cast is dedicated to KM's grandma, Elaine. 

"There is no death, only a changing of worlds." 
    - Chief Seattle

Welcome to our special guest, Moulin Rouge. And apologies to all the Eye-Talians out there. Fuhgettaboutit!!! Don't worry, J will stop yelling and poetry will come to the forefront, but then he will make everyone turn against him, including Nina. From his voice during his first reading, it's obvious KM has no memory of this cast. Look up a clock and do the mathematical equation. Hard to become a cult leader when you used to be in a cult. Tink tink, tink tink! For the record, our Mexican guest brought up the skinheads. Now sit down and shut up- you're back in History class! It's J Andrews' Big Adventure! Keep listening to find out if there's a basement in the Alamo. Actually, stop listening. DJ Colorado definitely did. But that doesn't stop her from being the greatest DJ of all time!!! Carnival!!!! Death!!! Death!!! God bless Trumpet! And for DJ Colorado: The shut up count ended at 10.

"I never did like this f@cking planet anyways." -d.a.levy. And yes, you CAN get pregnant from pre-cast. Carnival continues! Come join us to celebrate Bacchus on February 11th! Mad respect to Chewbacchus. Let's be honest though, parades are only enjoyable on drugs. And now for a shameless self-promotion from J. Andrews. It is a literary podcast, after all. The Year of Bacchus by J. Andrews is on the way! Pre-order at PornHub.com/AtFiveInTheAfternoon for 20% more on the first edition. Fight commerce by ordering early, or else just become a pirate, but before you make a decision, wait for J to explain to you his answer to world peace! So now that that's solved, let's hear about DJ Colorado seeing Nirvana live. Okay, but even they couldn't Beat jazz- just ask Jack...

If you haven't seen Goodfellas, go f*ck yourself. J. Andrews is way too flamboyant. "'Hello Gub'na!" J. wants to tell you about his feelings. Who's your daddy? Welcome to the neighborhood! DJ Colorado almost kills KM Douglas, but he deserves it because he's poor. Visit SpiritAirlines.com/KMDouglas! (For 20% MORE on all domestic flights). What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? DJ Colorado gets fired! Sports corner! Then she gets re-hired. Then a bathroom break. Be patient, J still has a story to tell! Cheers! (Poetry to follow). Eventually....

Muppets is actually a derogatory term used by the British. Sports corner! Who let the dawgs out!?! More importantly: Who let J. Andrews out? We don't need to tell you not to eat toilet paper. There are many more things to indulge in, including Carnival and Mardi Gras. Shout out to our five new Canadian listeners! Oh, poetry? Whoda thunk? So, we're gonna get dark for a moment. All respect to all victims and their families. Do we need more ecological poetry in the world? Thrilling! Don't ever think this isn't a literary podcast, My Brother... It's our soul's birthright. It's the only thing we know.

How was your Xmas? Who cares. How was your New Year's? Who cares. Polygamist relationships are the best! And so is Mexican Lasagne! This cast is sponsored by Ortega. Visit AtFiveInTheAfternoon.com/Ortega for 10% off a 99 cent packet of taco seasoning. Somehow K.M. makes Jeffrey Epstein seem less creepy... We also help you out with some heart health. And then we save marriages. Hims turned down our endorsement offer, so don't buy it. Stand up against AI, "for we are fighting for the very soul of the world". Now poetry...

We're not concerned, DJ Khalid's wife does not listen to this podcast, but DJ Khalid definitely does. Shut up! Numbers are only made for Alien Women. Spoiler alert: DJ Colorado is a 10/10!!! Happy Birthday Black Jesus! No way Jesus was white nor born in December. J was right about Gremlins 2. T.S. Eliot was right about sherbet. Are you ready for a real Xmas poem? Then we exchange gifts. And J is loving it! Turns out KM is pretty good at giving gifts, although it would be better if he gave them a coffee table to go with the coffee table book. Spoiler Alert: The butt knuckle has receded!! Pictures do not tell the whole story. It's too easy to get caught in the spider's web. We should have named this Anal Bead Rosary! Come and get it big boy!

First off, f*ck x-mas, then let's remember one of the greatest musicians of our time- without shying away from the fact that his murderer, like J & K.M., listened to Pink Floyd on acid (and it wasn't "Ummagumma", it was "Atom Heart Mother")- but we didn't kill a cultural icon! After our respectful memorial celebrating the dead Beatle, we seamlessly transition into sports. Now let's talk about the greatest American documentary filmmakers since the 1960's. It only gets worse from here... Then we eventually get to some poetry. You're welcome. And dead serious- if you actually try to donate to Axl Rose, make sure it's going to the old pug in the Quarter and not the old rocker. Speaking of old, K.M. is incapable of remembering anything. Don't worry, J. Andrews saves the cast by reading a love poem. This is a literary podcast. We want to onomatopoeia on you! What are we talking about? Dirty pleasures? If your guilty pleasure is poetry, then listen til the end- otherwise- unsubscribe. 

Special guest this week: A master of clitoral stimulation, Detroit comedian and close friend, Chuck Mitchell!  Unfortunately, he has to witness J drop his drawers and ask for medical advice about his butt from completely unqualified individuals. Please note: Morgan Freeman does not narrate this. And you thought Butt Fungus was bad. Now he has Cauliflower Butt! And then we ruin Xmas. No one wants a dying kangaroo. Don't blame DJ Colorado for missing this obvious opportunity, but Chuck "once got busy in a Burger King bathroom!" He's crazy! But not as crazy as J. Andrews- his bathroom sex story is way worse. And speaking of things getting worse, the podcast continues...

Cruise ships are death machines. Thank god we have a f*cking DJ! Let's get to some fun stuff before we keep insulting each other's moms. Wanna get high? Try carrots. But only if you want to die... If you don't laugh at our dad jokes then you're as dead as journalism. Send us your best band names for K.M.'s new punk band. And please remember J said he would be the drummer. There are no bad ideas in brainstorming. DJ Colorado was right again. Shout out to The Murder Junkies! Don't try this at home kids, although the kid was home at the time. And then we end with J taking on the ghost of William S. Burroughs and other brave poets... What we're saying is, join our cults.