Whatever thought you are thinking your body is very busy making it real and if you tell yourself a better lie your body will work very hard to make that thought real.
Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Louis Howe as a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.
Welcome to today's special episode. Over the last 1300 plus episodes, there have been so many impactful interviews that I've been lucky enough to have, and I always like to reflect on some of the most powerful. In this episode was one that resonated with most of you guys in the past, and I'm excited for the value it's going to bring you today as well. So I hope you enjoy today's episode.
We talked about this before on the show about the lies we tell ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves and a lot of us tell ourselves really bad lies. And you said we need to start telling ourselves better lies. I'm curious, why do we need to do that? And how can that help us start manifesting things in a different way in our lives?
Well, you know, our greatest pain is from the lies we tell ourselves. If you said to someone you're breaking up with, I don't love you anymore, you're boring, or you're not sexy, or I found someone else that's very hurtful, but we can go, they got an agenda. We can almost account, my boss said I was terrible, but he's having a bad day. But the lies we tell ourselves, the mind doesn't go, we are having a bad day. You have an agenda, it believes they must be true.
And the simplicity is, if you are prepared to lie to yourself, which you clearly are when you go in the size of a house, if I look at a cake, I gain a pound, my kid is making me want to jump out of a window. This freeway will be the death of me. See, none of those things are true. I could eat a horse. We know that can't possibly be true. But if you're prepared to lie to yourself,
Why not tell yourself a better life? Because your mind doesn't know and it really doesn't care what you tell it is good or bad, true or false. So a simple thing, I got a memory like a sieve. I have an excellent memory. I'm falling apart. I got great coping skills. If I look at a cake, I gain weight. I have a phenomenal metabolic rate, you see?
every thought you think you make real. And if you doubt that, think of this. If you think of something embarrassing, you will blush. If you think of something sad, your eyes will fill up with tears. If you think of food, your stomach rumbles. If you think of something sexy, you can get physically aroused.
to a thought. So the body makes thoughts real. Whatever thought you are thinking, your body is very busy making it real. And if you tell yourself a better lie, your body will work very hard to make that thought real.
Yeah, it's like I can imagine I'm having a pumpkin pie right now. I can imagine the smell of pumpkin and the taste and I'll start to salivate my body to start to salivate thinking there's a pumpkin pie in front of me. Of course. I'm imagining chewing into the crust of the pumpkin pie, the sweetness, and I'll start to feel it in my body. Although there's nothing in front of me right now.
just like there could be, you know, my girlfriend could walk in front of me, but she's not in front of me and I could feel something I can imagine and think about it. Yeah, that's why when you read letters, you get tears in your eyes, you look at pictures, you go, oh, I'm remembering that. So every thought you think causes both physical reaction and an emotional response. So if you think better thoughts, you have to get better emotional reactions and better responses.
What about memories then? What if we have memories that were real in our lives that was like, okay, I used to be overweight or someone did dump me and there was this pain. There was this thing. How do we tell ourselves a better lie or story around memories of the past that will keep hurting us today? Well, you know, that's a great question because
An event will affect you. Do you know what really affects you about an event? The meaning you attach to it. So I could say I wasn't the favorite kid. My sister was the favorite. My brother was a smart kid. My sister was a pretty kid. And I felt like this thing in the middle, this kind of thing. Right.
And I can go back and go, yeah, so what does that mean? It means what I've decided to make it mean. I've decided I'm really glad because it gave me, I'll show you, you want to write me off, I'll show you. So we can all look back at our partner, I should have been a girl, should have been a boy, should have been academic. My parents wanted that. But you know,
Don't make someone else's story your story my mother's story I should have been someone else's baby was always her story it traumatized her entire life but it wasn't my story it was her story and when people say my mother said oh you can't trust your own shadow don't trust men don't trust people
It's very important to go, well, that's your story. You wanted a boy and I was the third girl. You wanted a girl and I was the fourth boy. But it's insane, but that's your story. My story is I'm meant to be here. I'm meant to be me. I got something to offer the world, even if I don't know what it is.
So the significance of an event is linked to what you make of it. I was given up for adoption. That means I wasn't loved, but it could mean my parents loved me so much. They sacrificed the joy of having me to let someone else raise me. They give me a better life. It's always the meaning that you attach an event and the very good news is, you know, what you can change the meaning like that anytime you like.
So even if we've held on to a meeting for 20, 30 years about something, it's still possible to change it later in life. Yeah, and when you go back and meet these people, they go, oh no, I didn't mean that. I always told you you were rubbish because I thought it would make you smarter. I always told you you were stupid because I hoped it would make you intelligent. I told you I didn't love you because I felt inadequate in the amount of fathers I made. I never see my kids.
because I'm useless. I would just damage them. I thought the best thing I could do is to remove myself from their life so their mum would find a better dad. And they really have no concept of how that damages the child that they say the best thing I could do was be away from you. I was a crazy alcoholic. I didn't want to pass that on. So I left you to benefit you. But the child doesn't hit. The child thinks you left me because I wasn't worth being with.
That's the problem. The minute a child feels abandoned, they never blame the abandoned of my dad left, because he's crazy, because he's a drunk. They blame themselves. A child never stops loving me. They immediately stop loving themselves. And that's why you're going banger. Okay, so I've been telling myself, I lie, my dad left, because he didn't love me. My mum brought different boyfriends home every six months, because I didn't make her happy.
And then you go back and go, oh, but that's not true. My mother loved me very much, but she couldn't cope. She gave me to my grandmother because she thought I'd be better off. So when you go back and revisit the lie and update it, you realize, oh, so what's true is what I decide to be true.
Some guy dumped me. You know, I worked with somebody recently who said that her first experience of her first boyfriend was him saying to her, you're rubbish in bed. And the second boyfriend dumped her because
He came from a different country and she could speak his language. He couldn't speak. And he later told her, I felt so stupid in front of you. So I said, you were noticing, don't ever call me again. And those two men traumatized her so much as she couldn't have a relationship with her husband who loved her. But then she went back and said, well, the first guy was an idiot because by the way, his job was to seduce me and he did a terrible job. But the second one felt so inadequate around me.
You know, I've worked with supermodels who say, men put me down. They're so intimidated by our looks. They go, you're not very bright. You've got enormous feet.
You know, you're not all that and they let it in. And I worked with a famous model who said, every man I'm with, they start to diminish me because they're intimidated by me. So they start to pick holes in me and I let them. And it's so important to go back and look at the past and change it. You can change it at any time. Why do we think we let other people
and ourselves speak so negatively to us. We allow other people's words to come in and then we reaffirm those words to ourselves internally. Why do you think we do that so often? You know, it very much depends on what happens in your childhood. Here's the thing about the mind and it's really vexing. Your mind is hardwired to go back to what it knows. It always wants to return to what's familiar.
While resisting what is known for, if you grew up in a house with a lot of praise and parents, you say, you know, you're a great kid. You've got something to offer the world. You're going to find someone who adores you because you've got so much to offer. You will expect that. Unfortunately, that isn't the norm. The norm is criticism.
And if criticism is familiar, and I think we reject praise, we actually begin to criticize ourselves. We pick up what we know. You know, if you put up in a house with fast food and a vegetable, we go, hey, I need vegetables. The mind will always go back to what it recognises, because that's what once kept us alive.
What we know, if you have a two-year-old kid, they go, I don't want to eat those, got lumps in it. It's the wrong color. I only like pink yogurt in a blue bowl. But what they're really saying is, I don't know that yogurt with lumps in it. And my brain wants what I know because it keeps us alive. And that's a fact that mine likes what's familiar, but here's another fact. You can make anything you like familiar. And one of the biggest things to change your life
is to make praise familiar. And it can be very simple phrase. I'm a good person. I've got a good heart. I think good thoughts. You know, I find that one of the most powerful things to do in therapy and it teaches that a lot in the book is to think of the words you've always wanted to hear and to start saying them yourself. So... The words you've always wanted to hear from your parents. Yeah, from anybody. So you could say, hey, if I had a great partner, what would they say to me?
If I had great parents, what would they say? If I had a great boss or amazing friends and it's not really rocket science, what would a great parent say? They'd go, you're a great kid. Gosh, how lucky am I to be your parent? What a joy it is to raise you. Wow. And many parents don't. What would a great friend say?
I love being your friend. If there's a template for a great friend, you would be it. What would a great partner say? You're the one. I just love your voice. I love everything about you. You're so smart. What would a great boss say? You are indispensable to this company. So what we do is you go, I haven't got that. So we either give it up. No one's ever going to give me those words. I'm going to accept. I'll never hear them.
And we say things I never ask for anything, me. Well, what do you then get? Nothing. But I never ask for anything. So I don't expect anything. I'm in my apartment with my pets. I don't ask for anything. So we give the need up or we give it away. I've got to find someone out there.
to tell me these things. And that works until the someone out there gets sick or ill or has their own issues or they move on. But when you decide, hey, I can do that. I can think of what I most want to hear.
Say it myself, it may sound silly, but it's no sillier than saying I'm an idiot. I've done rocks for brains. Everything I touch falls apart. That's also silly and deeply harmful. So if you decide what you most want to hear and start to go, I matter. I'm here for a reason.
I'm a good person. I'm lovable. I'm someone's fantasy dream country because you are someone in the world. We're looking at, oh my god, you're my fantasy dream country. Not everybody, but someone. Someone gay, you know your problem? That kid keeping you up all night, the partner leaving their dirty pants, I'd love that problem. So silly as it sounds. So interesting to say that because my girlfriend
The more we date, I'll bring stuff up and I'll say, we might have like a sensitive conversation. And I'll say, I'm about to tell you something you're not gonna like. Because I'm used to in the past saying things that has this terrible reaction in relationships or someone can't handle the truth about who I am or things I do or whatever. And so I set it up with her, I go, I'm about to say something you're really not gonna like.
And yeah, so I'm just letting you know you're not gonna like this, but I'm gonna be fruit authentic to me and not walk on eggshells and not be afraid to communicate who I am. And I'll say the thing and she goes,
That's it. She goes, I thought it was going to be something horrible, but I love that thing about you. Isn't that nice? And you're like, really? So there's always someone who likes that thing about you. Yeah, there's someone who loves you a little bit of happy tell me who loves you a triple thought. I remember one of my friends saying, I saw my wife and he said her thighs were rubbing together. It was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. He said, in my life, he said, I was walking behind her in a store and I had to get in her because he said, that was just
So sexy, you think really? I thought we wanted a thigh gap, but we're all different. But it really helps to think that you've got something to offer somebody. But the minute you start to say, I matter, I'm a good person, I'm smart. I can contribute something amazing to my company. If you keep saying it, you see
When you give it up, you accept it's never going to happen and that's such a shame because it could. But when you give it away, you've given someone else the job of meeting your needs. When you say, hey, what do I need? I need to feel love.
So as silly as it sounds going, well, I am lovable. Someone's going to love me. I've got all the qualities that somebody will find deeply lovable. When you say it, it makes such an impact on your sense of self that people do pick that up. You know, we all know that annoying thing. You can't find a date.
And then suddenly you find someone and then you get hit on. You think, wow, well, how did that happen? Because you're now resonating the feet when someone says, I rang just to hear your voice. I just look at your picture. I call your phone just to listen to your message. You think, oh, someone loves me. I must be lovable. But if you can put that into yourself, it lasts forever.
How do we put that in ourselves when we've never been familiar with those thoughts and those that routine of loving ourselves? One of the things I put in the book, which was so important, was something called installing your own cheerleader. Is he a cheerleader that only knows how to
bangs symbols even when you're losing when a team loses their children and go oh you were rubbish oh my god you stank up and they say hey you tried really hard and you were amazing and you're when next time you know we just did something in England where we put this into schools we had 500 schools sign up
And each class actually created the cheerleader. They said, we actually made little toys of the cheerleader they designed. And we were showing them how to go from, I can't try can in just five days by having a cheerleader that says, you've got this. Your name is all over this. No one can do this better than you.
And so the cheerleader is your voice saying, you can do this. And you know what? It doesn't matter if you win. It matters that you loved competing. You did it great. You did amazing. And the cheerleader will cheer you on academically, but it cheer, it cheerleaders who you are. And we have a critical voice going, oh, that's going, you're going to mess that up. That's never going to work. Why would you even think that could happen?
No one from our families ever had their own business.
you haven't got anything to offer here. And the cheerleader flips on its head and says, you can do it. You can do it. And we've had such a great response from those 500 schools who said that bullying stopped children getting better. But they get better with each other too. And so we should all have a cheerleader. So it's very important I put the download in that book where all you have to do is download it and play it.
And it makes you feel good because, you know, when you're a kid at school and you're running a race and someone is cheering you and going, you can do it. You've got this. It may be your friend. It may be a parent. When you're going for a job and your friend go, Hey, I know you can do this. But when you can say it, you don't think, Oh, who can I call now to be my cheerleader? Being your own cheerleader is amazing. Because if you look at people who make it,
Someone like Tony Robbins, they definitely have a trigger going, hey, you can do this. Going for a big interview. Well, you can do it thinking a big thought. They go, well, why not? Of course I can do it. There's going to be a lot of people that are going to criticize you externally. A lot of people aren't going to be your children. Hopefully so will. And hopefully at different times of life, people will be cheering you on. But there will be definitely seasons where people will criticize and try to pull you down in negative ways, whether it's
negative reviews online or to your face or if you're an athlete, you go into the opposing arena, they're all booing you. You've got to have some type of cheerleader in your mind in order to take that on.
Yeah, because the most important words you'll ever hear in your entire life are the words you say to yourself. And when you have a cheerleader, you understand the truth. There is nothing that would change your life more than letting in praise, but not letting in destructive criticism. Constructive criticism is okay. Hey, I just want to tell you, you're always late, and if anyone could be here on time, it would
make our life so much better. You could say to your partner, look, I love you dearly, but every time I come downstairs and there's like coffee all over the counter.
could you just rinse out the sink? That's okay. But if you can get into the habit of letting in your own praise and other peoples while deflecting criticism, it's such a game changer. In my years being a therapist, I've seen over and over and over and I just get people to let in praise and not let in criticism. It changes their entire life.
Why is it challenging for people to let in praise and to receive it? Especially in today, I feel like when someone acknowledges someone else, they kind of deflected this. So well, you know, I wasn't that good. Yeah. Why is it so challenging for us to receive acknowledgement and praise and do it in a humble way and not a, I know I'm the best and look the best and the prettiest and, you know, in the world type of way. You know, it isn't.
normal. If you say to a little kid, you look so cute, they smile and if you say to a little child, wow, you're a smart kid. They don't go, no, I'm actually really stupid. You should see the other kids in my class that way better than me. They let it in. We teach people that it's not okay. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't be big-headed. Don't show off who do you think you are. People won't like you if you're better than them. Don't ever tell anyone what you've got.
And so we learn, oh, it's not okay. And if we get criticized a lot, it becomes so familiar that we actually let that in. And the praise is so unfamiliar that we reject it. So we find ourselves saying, oh, I wasn't really any good. I just was winging it. It's like even in that Spanish expression, nana, don't mention it. I go, no, you should really mention it. When you do a great job, people say, well done,
They should go, thank you so much. I'm so glad you love my book. I love writing. I wrote it for someone like you. Don't go, oh, it's terrible. Didn't you notice all the spelling mistakes? And it's not formatted very well. It's like if someone gave you a gift and you go, oh, I hate that gift. And if I gave you that cup, they give you a go, I hate it. It's a horrible color. I don't like the writing. So C praise is a gift that you wouldn't go, I hate this gift. Why did you think I didn't even like it?
And just learn to say thank you. I've had so many clients just getting them to accept praise and saying, look, you can make it familiar. In fact, I was teaching a course in London and this girl came up and
She was very sad. And so we did a session, and it was really interesting what had happened to her. And at the end, I said, you know, I'm going to get the whole audience to come up and give you a hug. She went, oh, no, no, that's very hard. I said, you know, it's not hard. It's unfamiliar, but you can make it familiar. Halfway through should Marissa. The cameraman's not in the line. I said, get in line. He was very good looking. And I said, you see how quickly you made that familiar? Being praised, being held.
believing you are worthy of love, you have a choice. You always have a choice, rationalize why you can't have it or talk yourself into having it and always make the second choice. I can make this. When I dated my husband, I had a choice. I'm going to make a different kind of person familiar because I knew he was such a good person and a kind person and a funny person. And what were you familiar with before that?
Well, I was a headteacher's daughter, you might call it a principal's daughter.
So my dad was very interested in other people's children. He was paid to be interested in other people's children. He would give them all his time. He was at a hanky ready. He was a really good guy, but he wasn't really interested in us because it was much harder work with us. And so my thing was you got to work really hard to get someone's attention. And that's very common with people. I've got to earn love, chase love.
works so hard for love. And that's not who love isn't to be earned or chased or run after or paid for. It's just there. So I had to give up that relief that I got to earn love. So of course I liked men who made me work. They always had jobs or...
existing families and some terrible breakup and traumatized children. And because of that, I couldn't possibly at the top of the list. You can't expect a father with three little babies to put you first. But then I realized, oh, this I'm just making. And then it actually was when I was dating someone who said to me,
I won't allow you to eat that. I'm like, when did you become a head teacher? And that was a penny drop. Wow, my dad is a teacher. How am I with this person who I can't eat? And I stopped dating him overnight. It was very confusing for him, but not for me because I thought, oh, I'm dating my dad. And of course, I can never have sex in the game when I had that realization because it's like, wow, that's not, that's not very healthy.
But I was so glad he did that, told me what I couldn't eat. And he wasn't, he wasn't trying to control it. We're going out for dinner. He said, you don't need to eat that. We're going out in two hours to this big, he was a big foodie. I won't allow it. And that was, for me, the penny drop. Oh. I want to allow that. Dating people like my dad and trying to make them give me all their attention. And life is way too short to find someone like your parent and change the ending.
You've got to find the person who changed the beginning. So I realized what I was doing is recreating what I knew, someone absent, very preoccupied with their career. And I was trying to change the ending. And when I got that realization, I thought, well, I just changed the beginning. I find someone warm and available who put me first. It doesn't happen like that. You have to pay attention to the old habit of going back to what you know. So I could say,
If I was a woman who had a cold, absent, critical father, I'm in a bar, meet a cold, absent groom, I think, just clicked like that. I felt like I'd known them my whole life. It's because their behavior is so familiar. You want to run towards it when really you need to run away from it and get cold, absent, critical.
How about warm, kind, friendly, loving, putting you first, decide. And it's a choice. I'm going to make that familiar a good guy, a kind guy, someone who will put me first. And once you make the decision and you remind yourself of it, it becomes familiar because while our mind likes what is familiar, that is a fact.
we can choose what to make familiar. And indeed choose to go, well, no. So when people say he was too good for me, what they're really saying is his behaviour was so unfamiliar. I didn't recognise it. I ran back to what I knew. But you have to run away from what you know. It's also like saying, well, this is comfortable. Why don't I make it uncomfortable? And I make what's uncomfortable, comfortable sitting with it until it's familiar. It's familiar.
I want to get to that more a little later about the relationship stuff because I have a lot to share on that, things I've learned this year. But I'm curious on the thoughts and the lies and manifesting. I'm curious if you think we're able to manifest anything we want, a good relationship, the career or new business or financial abundance, if we are stuck in a negative thought routine. Is it possible to manifest
and accomplish what we want in a negative thought routine? No, you can't manifest when you are negative. I want money, but when you have money and never know who you're friends, I want to be really sexy, but I don't want all that unwanted attention. I want a great job, but I'll never see my kids. I'll be a terrible parent in the mind.
is going to get into one lane. Here's one lane that says I want to be a great parent, but another is I want to have a great career and I can't go into both lanes. But after you can put that lane on, I could have a great career and be a great player and it takes work, it takes balance, but it's very, very possible.
The problem is the mind is like a missile. It wants to go there. But it keeps going there. If it doesn't really know what you want, I want love, but it would kill me to be rejected. I want success, but am I really going to give up all the things I love to be successful? So you've got to really identify what you want to manifest anything you have to want it. And I think people have got very confusing. I sit on the chair,
and manifest a great guy. Well, unless that's the Amazon delivery guy, that's just not going to work. I want a great body, but I'm not going to do anything. So to be a manifest, you have to do three things and you have to do all three. The first is the easy one or maybe not easy. You have to decide you are worth it. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of a phenomenal relationship. I'm worthy of success.
Even I'm worthy of wealth or health, I'm worth it. And that probably is at least 80% of manifesting. And many people manifest with a thought, not really worthy.
Really? I'm going to be, I'm going to find love, but they're going to leave me. I'm going to find wealth, but I don't know how I'm going to keep it. I'm going to have a great job, but it's going to kill me working those hours. So your first thought must be, I'm worth it. But then there's a second part, which is what does it look like? And maybe I'm going to be a millionaire. For what? I don't know.
I want a great person. What are they like? I don't know. They got a nice six pack and drive a nice car. So the second part is you must really know what does it look like. If you don't know what it looks like, how are you going to go after it? The mind will go after something it is clear about. So you might say,
I want a really flat stomach, what does that look like? Well, it looks like not eating so many carbs, not eating late at night, going to the gym. If you know what it looks like, and you believe you're worth it, you'll have it, but then the third part is, after you've decided you're worth it, and you know what it looks like, what are you gonna do? Because if you really want a six-pack, you might have to do 300 sit-ups a day, and if you're not prepared to do that, you don't want it enough. So I could say,
I wanted to write a book. Did I feel I was worth it? Yeah, I had to work. I was like, you know, I got a message. And I think I can people tell me I really help them. They tell me I changed their lives. So I'm worth putting that in a book. What does it look like? Well, it looks like going to have to. What is this book? What's going to be about? What's the story like? What am I going to call it? Who is my audience? Am I going to write what I want to write or what people want to hear? So I had to know.
who is my market, and then here's the third part. I've got to sit down and write that book, and it takes a long time to write a book. And when you've written it, it takes even longer, as you know, to do all the press, all the pieces for magazines. So you can't have one of the two or two of the two, and let's say I want love. I've got to believe I'm really worthy of love. I've got a really nail in. I am worthy of love I deserve to love someone who loves me back.
What does that look like? I'd better get a clear idea of the kind of person I want in my life. And then we're going to look at where we're going to find it. I'm not going to find it watching Netflix. And I'll say, yeah, I go to yoga, but there's no men in yoga. I go to women's reading groups. Where's the guy? You have to go to the weight room. And the same thing with guys. You're not going to find someone in a bar. But you might find them dog walking. You might find them in an IT class.
You have to be very clear about, I'm worth it, I know what it looks like, and what am I going to do to get it? Because I think so many people think manifesting is thinking about what you want and sitting on the couch and it's going to turn up, but you have to get out of the house. If you believe you are lovable,
and know the kind of person you want and put yourself in front of them, you'll probably go home with them for good, but you can't just do one of the two, two of the two, you've got to do all three. Yeah, and one of the things I love to do with the action steps, it can seem like if you're trying to lose 50 or 100 pounds, it can seem like, man, I have to work this hard for a year in order to accomplish this, and you just did a hard workout for the first week.
and you're exhausted. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do this. I think if you just really think, I just have to do this one day. I just gotta show up today and I'm gonna do this seven days in a row and celebrate the week and then do another week and over time that's gonna really start paying off. What do you think about? I love the idea of deciding you're worth it and having what you want and that you're worthy of what you want. If you haven't learned to heal, whatever is,
a past trauma in your life. Are you going to be able to fully manifest without healing as well, or is deciding you're worth it? Start the healing process. See, if you think you're not worth it, you'll get rid of it. I mean, I've worked, you probably know that 70% of lottery winners are bankrupt in three years. Why? Because they don't feel they're worth it. They didn't work for it. They didn't have, I'm worth this money.
What does it look like to have all this money? What could I do with it that's so good? They just think, well, I've got all this money. And what's familiar if you just have a job that doesn't pay a lot is spending the money until it runs out and then next week you get more. And so if you don't feel your worth it, self-sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than a fear,
of not being enough and so you stop yourself getting there. So if you believe you're not worth it and you find love, you find money, you find wealth, you'll get rid of it. And we see that with Amy Winehouse with Whitney Houston. We see it over and over again. We saw it with George Michael. I always think of him every Christmas because
He had so much except the belief, I'm worth it. And so if you don't do step one first, which is just decide every day, I'm worth love. I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. Because after all, how could you not be worthy of love? Everyone is worthy of love. So if you don't do that, then you just do the other two. What does it look like? I'll go and get it. It's never going to feel enough. But you'll get rid of it. And we see people all the time who say, I know it's wrong with me.
I remember Sandra Bullock's husband saying, what did I do? I had this beautiful gun. I messed it up. Well, of course you messed it up because you never felt you were worthy of it in the first place. So everything else you're going to do to get what you want. If you don't do the first step first, wire in that you're worthy. You spend a lot of time getting rid of it, ruining it, destroying it, acting out, sabotaging yourself.
Are we able to believe we're worthy if we haven't started to heal though? Can we just say, okay, I'm worthy even though my parents abandoned me and I've lost every relationship I've been in. How do we bridge the gap from starting to tell ourselves a better lie knowing we're worthy and healing?
You know, that's such a great question because you, and often in the book, I invite you to go back to imagine any little baby that's just been born. They never go, don't look at me. I've got milk spots. I've got these triple thighs. I've got a huge tummy. I haven't got any clothes on. You know, when I had a baby and I take her out in the store, we'll come and look at her.
And she'd smile, her big gummy smile, and kick her little legs with her triple knees. And it never occurred to her that she wasn't the most gorgeous thing in the world. You know, when you got, I remember that picture of you with your cat, you just got to move on your chest going, oh, Lewis, you just want to love me, because I'm lovable. So the good news is every person is born believing they're lovable. We know we're lovable as a child, because we demand attention, we demand feeding.
You know, you can take in a random pet, but it will come up and wrap its legs around you when it wants to be fed. It doesn't run behind the fridge and never comes out because it believes it's worthy. So the good news is you are born certain that you are lovable, convinced you're lovable.
And then it gets chipped away. And then you begin to buy. I'm not worthy. I don't have a great education. I don't have a six pack. I'm not a 10. I come from a fat. I never had a dad. My mom was always drinking. And now you're justifying why you're not lovable with a thing is you need to go right back to the beginning. You were born certain that you were lovable. So you have to reactivate what's in you.
that's become buried. But you do have to heal it. And I think we think, Oh, healing is so long. What does that involve? I've got to play this meditation tape every day.
spend hours massaging my own body or looking in the mirror. And actually, healing is actually making a decision to think better thoughts. No matter where you are in your life, thought comes first. Your thoughts create your feelings, which create your actions, which create your behaviors. And even your belief is nothing more than a thought you think a lot. And I think we think it's, oh, I've got to change. Can you say it one more time? Thoughts?
Your thoughts always come first. Your thoughts create your feelings.
Your feelings create your behaviors and your actions, which you justify that go, it's like a loop. I think I'm not worthy of love. And that makes me feel very sad and defeated and probably angry and resentful. And if I think that thought and feel that feeling now, I act out and difficult, or maybe I'm very needy or very pleasing, but I justify it because I've gone back to the thought, I'm not lovable. But if I change the thought, I'm lovable,
Of course, I'm lovable. Even if I don't believe it, if I keep thinking the thought, well, I feel very different. I feel optimistic. I feel reassured. I feel quite confident. I feel certain someone's going to love me. And now I behave differently. I take risks. I look people in the eye. I speak to them. My actions are different. I justify them by going back to the thought.
I'm lovable. So we're so busy changing the behaviours and the actions and the feelings when all you have to change is the thought. It's hard to heal what you don't understand. But healing is just saying I came from a crazy family.
I came from a place with no money. I didn't get a great college degree. However, I am worthy of everything I want. I can have everything I want with bells on. So if you just change the thought which always comes first, everything else will take care of itself. And you know, you own your thoughts. You have every right to change and we think a thought. And then we start to make that thought. Then we have this confirmation buzz. If I think
dogs are horrible, yappy creatures that attack you. If I think that thought, I feel anxious around dogs, and you can believe the dog is in the pick up my anxiety, and it's going to be yappy. And it doesn't like me, and now I've got confirmation that you see.
I told you dogs, a yappy, snappy, bitey things. Look what just happened. Babies don't like me. If I hold them, they go rigid. I always get dumped. Everything goes wrong. I can never keep a job for more than six months when you think that thought, and you believe that thought, you begin to look for a confirmation bias of how that thought is real. The confirmation bias can be very good. I think I'm lovable.
And I'm going to look for, you know, my grandmother loved me. My first boyfriend said I was amazing. My teacher said something good. So you have to make confirmation, but I was like, think about a thought. Start looking for examples of how it's true, because whatever you look for, you will find whatever you look for.
You move towards what you already believe. You get more of what you already believe. So you've got to think a thought and then start looking for proof. And even if you can find hardly any, it doesn't matter. Still do it. And then it becomes true. What about people that say, well, how do I know my thoughts come from me? How do I know they're not coming from somewhere else? But it doesn't matter where they come from.
It's that's not important. What is important is let's change them. So if you, if your thoughts are coming at you or coming from you and they were negative, it doesn't matter where they come from. It only matters. You think, I'm not going to think this thought. You know, you can choose to be negative or positive, but you can't choose what it does to your body.
when you think negative thoughts. Well, when it creates a lot of cortisol, which creates inflammation, which is a precursor to many diseases, it makes you anxious.
It makes you suffer with things like insomnia. It affects your digestion, it affects, it can even affect your metabolism. It affects your ability to have joy and happiness on the planet. So your thoughts are yours to change. And yes, you can pick up other people's thoughts. You know, I've often gone back to London, got into Canada. Oh, this country's a write-off. Look at the weather.
So I've got to take a call and I just shut the intercom because I think I don't want to let that in. I can't let in negative thoughts. I mean, they're around me and sometimes I be in a position where I'm hearing really negative. I can't hear that. I can't let that in.
It's fascinating because my dad used to, you know, one of our first episode we ever did, I think the title was, Your Thoughts Will Heal You or Kill You. Yeah. And it was one of our most popular episodes. I recommend people go listen to it or watch it. And I think I might have told you then that my dad would always turn the commercials off when there would be some type of drug campaign. Yeah. Or if you're feeling sick, you need to buy this. Yeah.
He would always mute or turn the channel constantly turning the channel because he was like, I don't want your mind to be. Yeah, I don't hear this. These negative thoughts. And it's something I've practiced most of my life. I mean, I'm not perfect, but I don't watch the news still today. Yeah. Like even in the beginning, in the beginning of the pandemic, I remember watching it for like a month because just like everything was happening. And I just said, why am I consuming this?
I can get information and be educated on what's actually happening in the world and be aware and be cautious of what I need to be cautious of. But the constant rumination of these negative thoughts are not supporting my mind, they're not supporting my body, and they're not supporting my actions. If I'm going to be living in a fear-based state of mind and behavior. So I said, okay, I want to be educated and informed.
I'll get the updated information, but I'm not going to get it in this hysterical storytelling, you know, mass media of the worst of the worst. I'm going to get it written down of here's the data, here's the facts, be aware, be cautious, but not allow these thoughts to be consumed inside of me. And I think that's really helped me over these last two years, just stay focused on how can I take care of myself, how can I show up in a loving way.
You know, how can I continue to serve my team, my community, my audience, and not be crippled by these thoughts? Yeah. And it's been a great practice that I had as a child that's helped me now as an adult. But I see so many people consumed by the media in the negative way, or taking it in too much, and then holding on to that fear.
Yeah, and it's funny because when COVID here, I was in England just moving to America and I'm thinking, oh, I don't have any medicine in America. And I thought, and I went to buy some and everything had sold out. I thought, well, what am I doing? If I buy all this medicine, am I planning to get ill?
And I had a real dilemma. Should I buy all this stuff and ship it out to America? If I'm buying all this stuff, I'm all these cold remedies. Am I planning to get a cold? Eventually, I thought, you know, I'm going to buy them for other people. I'm going to buy them for when I have visitors in my house. They need a bit of lemship, but I don't need it. Some of you have to really stop and think, you know, what am I doing? I'm buying antacids. I'm buying anti-sickness stuff to go on the plane.
I'm carrying pepper spray or bear spray on my keyring. What am I doing here? Am I planning to get attacked? And I think it's okay to have that on your keyring. But don't expect, oh, I need this. This something terrible is going to happen.
lock my door and I don't put an alarm, but I don't stress about it too much. So, but you are right. We sometimes think the most, I'm going to get sick. It's flu season. It's allergy season. It's hay fever season. It's headache season.
I know when I have a kid it will scream or not. I know when I have a kid I get really fat and you never get rid of the weight. I know when I meet someone it's not going to work. We really have to remember you have the power to make that thought real. But guess what? You also have the power to reverse it. This relation is going to last forever. I'm going to be a great mum. I've got a great immune system. My body deals with germs every single day.
It really is a choice to just look at your thoughts, update them the way you update your software, upgrade them. But so many of us didn't even know what we're thinking. I need coffee to cope. I need caffeine to get up in the morning. I need pills to go to sleep at night. Well, actually you don't. But if you think that thought, you're going to confirm it and make it real sleepy.
will come to you wherever you are. Your body will cope very well with that caffeine. You're not going to gain a pound looking at pizza. And you do know what full is, and you can stop eating. But so many of us have been so influenced by the media. You know, in America, every third advert is for drugs, for medicine. Because it's saying you need this. And the same thing for happiness. You need this. No, you don't need any of that. You need to think better thoughts.
What about people with low self-esteem or low confidence? What do you think that the root of that comes from? And how can we start to overcome that self-doubt, low self-esteem, low confidence? Yeah, well, again, I've never met a baby that was born with low self-esteem. No, baby, because I'm just not going to try to crawl. It's too difficult. I can't get that food in my mouth. I'll give up.
I can't quite hit the toilet, I just stopped bothering. So the good thing about that is you were not born with it, even if you had a horrible beginning and your parents gave you up for adoption and didn't want you.
You know, one of my friends went to Russia to get a little boy and he said it was so funny. So I walked in the office. He ran up and he clung to my legs. And he said, when we left, I said, say goodbye. And he just looked at his eye. I'm not looking back there. Even as a baby, he knew. And when I picked him up to leave, when I got the adoption, he wouldn't look back. He wouldn't wave his eye. I'm going that way with you. And that's all behind me now. And he's an amazing kid, the boy he adopted because he had a sense of
You know, where he is and he said, one day I said, I'm so glad. I found, he said, yeah, I'm glad we found each other. So he's already got that sense of we found each other. I found you, but you also found me and we helped each other. So with self-esteem,
There is nothing on the planet that will build that faster than your own praise. We often think, well, I need to lose 10 pounds, get a six-pack, update my wardrobe. It's like that Bruce Springs, and I want to change my face, my thoughts, my job. Do you remember that song by Bruce? Yeah. You want to change your thoughts. That's all you ever need to change. And the thing that will raise and build yourself, esteem is praise. There is nothing, no shoes,
No cookies, no candy, no sex, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing that will build your self-esteem like praise. And if you knew that to be true, and it is true, then all you have to do is practice saying, I like myself. I'm a good person. I've got something to offer the world.
I'm kind, I'm nice, I'm fatting, I'm interesting, I'm compelling. You can make it as dramatic as you like. I'm magnetically lovable or just. I got a good heart. I'm an interesting person. People like me. So if you knew that the one thing that could build your praise was free, was immediate and was in you, why wouldn't you use it? And I talk a lot in the book about exactly how to do that. Wow. Again, the cheerleader.
the self-confidence. People get very confused with that. I don't even know what is self-love. Is that why I've been cream on myself having a little sex aid? What is self-love? No, it's not that. It's looking in the mirror and saying, I'm nice.
The way to know if you love yourself is really three things. And the big one is how do you talk to you? Do you say I'm an idiot? I got rocks for brains. Look at the state of me and knew I'd messed that up. Self love is being kind. So the way you talk to yourself, the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self love. So if someone said to me, oh my God, you messed that up. You idiot. I go, no, I made a mistake, but I learned from it. If someone said to me, oh,
Yeah, I hate that book. I say, well, let me give you your money back. I'm sorry you didn't like it. I think it's a great book, but I'm happy to refund you because I'm not going to let them make me believe. So I'm saying, I hate your book. Oh my God, they hated my book. I go, well, they didn't like it. I like it. So I will always talk to myself, well, almost all the time. You don't have to do it 100%. 90% is as good. The second way of knowing how you love yourself is
How do you treat yourself? Do you eat well? Do you hydrate? Do you get some people? Do you lie in the sofa eating potato chips, staying up all night watching Netflix and knowing you're going to get up at eight and you're still watching something at four a.m. because that's not love. People say to me, I love food. I'm like, no.
Loving pizza and beer is not love, it's abuse. Punishing workouts. That's not love, that's abuse. Starving yourself and eating celery juice or drinking diet coke. That's not love, it's abuse. And the only way to have a body you love is to actually start by loving the one you have. So love is, do I really want to eat doughnuts and pop tarts and soda first thing in the morning? Would I give that to a baby? Would I give that to my pet?
So how do you talk to yourself first? How do you treat yourself second? And once you get into, oh, I'm going to love myself. You won't eat donuts for breakfast. And lots and lots of takeouts for dinner because you'll think that's not love. It's abuse. The whole dieting industry is based on abuse. Hate your body so much that you starve it. Make it do the plank when you're not in the mood.
force it to go running in the rain and then go, I hate my legs, I hate my stomach. And then the third part is how do you let other people treat you? That's a big one. Do you let them put you down? Do you lend them money when you can't afford it? Do you go out of your way to give them a lift? Are you a real people pleaser? If you get the first one right, the other two will click into place anyway.
But again, you're back into that. I'm trying to buy your love. I'm trying to earn your affection. I'm trying to make you like me. And people like you when you like you enough to say, oh, this doesn't suit me. No, I don't really. I can't have your kids all weekend where you go to Burning Man. It just isn't convenient. And the other thing about it is don't keep saying sorry. Sorry, I'm late. Sorry, I'm sick. They thank you. Thank you for waiting for me.
Thanks for being such a great friend. Thanks for helping me out. Sorry I'm such a bird and I'm sorry. I know I'm a pain. So when you get to understand what self-love looks like, and I dialogue with myself very nicely, I treat myself on the whole, I can have pizza and ice cream, but I don't need to have four tubs because I'm practicing self-love. I love a bit of cake, but I don't need the whole cake.
And now that I love myself, when you say something mean, I can go, oh, I'm not going to let that in. That's not very loving. And it all sounds hard. It's actually incredibly easy.
when we are people pleasers and we let other people do things that necessarily we don't want to do. We end up doing it because we don't want to let someone down or we want someone upset with us and then we resent that we did the thing. What is that thing about us when we are people pleasing all the time? You're putting yourself last and everyone else first and it doesn't mean you should put yourself first but you should not put yourself last.
It's fine if you want to drive to the airport and pick someone up at 4am because you love them. That's perfect, okay? It's fine to lend someone money to lend someone your car, but if you're doing it to make them like you,
You don't really want to do it. You put them first and you last and it really helps. Okay. Is this love or abuse? I'm lending people my stuff when I can't afford to. I'm giving people my things. I'm giving them my time, my money, my energy when I haven't got it to give. So that's not love. It's abuse. And if you can look at them, is that love or abuse and always come at love, it becomes much, much easier to get it right. Yeah.
In the book, there's a chapter in here where you're talking about how some people will trade one negative addiction for a more socially acceptable positive addiction. They'll stop drinking alcohol, but then they're having 10 cokes a day or something. They'll stop doing something else unhealthy, but then they'll be working out three hours in the gym you talk about a day. And they trade one negative addiction for a different addiction, which seems to be more positive
but is also abusive in its own way. Why do certain people trade one addiction for another? And how could they actually sit with the time and the energy and the conversations, the thoughts of the anxiety or the stress that they're having and just not be addicted anymore? Well, again, you've got to go back to that ladder of looping thoughts. What's the thought that runs an addiction? It's always the same, I'm not enough.
I'm not enough is gonna be behind every addiction because if you're not enough guess what you need more I need more food more alcohol more drugs more sex more shopping more Netflix and Many many addicts try to change the behavior. I'm not gonna go to the bar I'm not gonna go to the ice cream shop. I'm gonna avoid
that situation. So I'm trying to change the behaviour, but you have to go back and change the thought. And there's someone called Ryan in the book, I think it's the second chapter. And that is a classic story of alcoholism. Ryan bless his heart because he's a lovely person, was an addict, alcohol and drugs, was also addicted to people that hurt him in relationships. And he'd been to rehab over and over again to change the behaviour. And by the way, in rehab,
They have cupboards full of candy. Don't drink. Eat chocolate. Eat more chocolate. Eat more stuff because they're just switching one addiction for another. And many ex addicts, I'm addicted to food. I'm addicted to shopping. I'm addicted to praise. And because you're still treating the behavior.
The thought creates the feeling that creates the behavior. I've worked with thousands and thousands of others. I've never met one ever who ever felt there enough. And when you go back to that, whenever you think you're not enough, you will need more of something.
When you know you are enough, you don't need cake after all. One doughnut might be okay, why would you want six? Why would you need three pizzas followed by a beer? Why would you need a whole bottle of wine if one could make you feel good? If one purse or pair of shoes could make you feel good, why have you got a closet full of them?
Clearly it isn't working. But with addiction, if you try to treat the behavior and only the behavior, you just swap behaviors. So we have to go back to the thought first. You have to go back to the thought. Thought comes before behaviors. Thought causes actions. If you just change the thought, I worked with many alcoholics who stopped drinking like Ryan in one session, because he went back to
Look at the thoughts of, well, let's change that. And many people say, no, it's amazing. I stopped drinking, stopped binging, stopped using. Because I suddenly realized, oh, it was a thought I was thinking that caused me so much pain. And the thought wasn't even true. Is it possible to change a thought that quickly? If, let's say, you're 40 years old, you've been addicted for 20 years and you've kind of had this
emotional, I guess, trauma trapped in your body and in your mind on a repeat for decades? Is it possible to change it that quickly or does it usually take a few months? The more, I guess, embedded this is in your system, like
It just depends. You know, you can change a thought in 21 seconds, as well as it 21 days, 21 hours, it can be 21 seconds. It depends on you. Some people change thoughts instantly. They learn something new. It's like suddenly you realize that Father Christmas isn't real and everything changes and it's not hard work or you realize that there is no tooth fairy. There is no scary monster. Maybe you even realize there isn't hell.
You can be instant, but it doesn't matter if it isn't. You know, you can change three ways. Immediate change all on that. Oh, I change my thinking.
You know, it's a bit like someone saying, I thought that person loved me and then someone woke me up and said, you know, that's not love. That's abuse. So I think, oh, I thought, you know, I was doing the right thing by hating my body and it's not changing. And then I realized everything I thought was love is abuse. So I'm going to do yoga, not running. I'm not going to eat diet food. I'm going to love my body with proper food. It can be an instant thought, you know, like for instance, I am, no, I went into an abattoir and came out and said, that's it.
I could never eat meat again. In that instant, everything changed. If you ate, I don't know, oysters were violently sick.
That change, you can never eat them again because you've linked pain to it. Anything you're over the toilet, bringing everything, oh no. Never again. Never again. Never again. Yeah, if you're throwing up from alcohol, then I've been for whatever you're saying. It's not even work, you're just going to know, I can't do that again. So you can change instantly, and that's always the best kind, but there's also a second change, which is cumulative. It means bit by bit, you think, oh.
Where did I last scream at my kids? When did I last have that tension headache? I'm noticing it's getting better. And then the third change is called retroactive and you don't even know you've changed it and it says, wow, look at you. Or your partner says, gosh, you're so much calmer. So this is, wow, Lewis, you're looking great. So instant change.
Human change, retroactive change, but it doesn't matter which change you get because you are changing in the same way that some people have 10 driving lessons past their test. That's it. Other people have 100 lessons and finally past their test, but you're equal on the road.
And with the changes, you're thinking, well, my friend did that diet and lost 50 pounds and I didn't, I guess I'm a failure. My friend did that workout and got a six back. I didn't. My friend did that and it changed the life. It didn't work for me. And the saddest thing is we don't blame the program. We blame ourselves. I guess I'm just a failure.
So don't compare your change to other people. Some people change really fast and other people don't. Some people look up a language really fast. Other people don't. Yeah. That's not important. Don't blame yourself. Yeah, don't don't shame yourself either. No, don't blame yourself. Don't shame yourself. Again, that's abuse, isn't it?
Everything you're doing that's abusive, turn it round to be more loving. I made a mistake. I forgot something. I was mean to my kids today. I lost it. I ended up eating three Kit Kats because I didn't go out for lunch. But I could remember next time to have some nuts in my bag or to take something with me.
I shouted at my kids because I hadn't eaten and I was so stressed and I realized I could have taken a deep breath. So don't, you know, you can only learn by making a mistake, but it doesn't matter how long it takes. It's like saying how long does it take to climb a mountain? I don't know, but when you get to the top, the view is the same for everyone, whether you sprint it up there or went to a very slow crawl, everyone has the same view.
You said there are a couple points to addiction. The first one being, I'm not enough. Was there a couple more points to kind of the root of addiction or? Well, any addiction is classified as something that moves you away from a bad behavior to a good one. People are going to be addicted to exercise. They can be addicted to orgasms. But it's anything that moves you away from something bad to something good that you can't stop that starts to run you. And people think addicts are really cold and
And mean, but addicts are often very fragile, deeply sensitive. So if we look at the Jimi Hendrix and David Bowie and Prince and Michael Jackson, people are addicted to pain pills. They often are very fragile, Amy Winehouse, even Whitney, very sensitive fragile creatures.
that the world is very hard on. And if you're an addict in any way, you have to realize that addicts are very creative. If you say to Anthony Hopkins, hey, Anthony, can you play a psychopath? He can see that and play it and terrify everyone. If you say to Amy, hey, Amy, could you write about pain? She could knock out back to black in five minutes because
they're so creative and if you're creative you are receptive to suggestions which is your biggest gift and your biggest downfall because you go I don't think that was very good I thought someone else wrote much better so addicts are very sensitive often highly creative they find the real world very hard and they need support
That's not easy when you have an 18 year old kid who's stealing from you to buy drugs but sending them to rehab where they're told you're trying to kill yourself is often not the case. They're often trying to stay alive and it's hard to be kind.
But it's the only thing that works with addicts going back and saying, look, not what's wrong with you, but what happened to you? When did you decide you don't matter? When did you decide you were worthless? What happened to make you believe you're not enough?
And I've looked at many, 17-year-olds, I say, well, I didn't have a dad. My dad left when I was one. He never saw me. He's got another kid he loves more than me. And I'm nothing. I go, but that's not true. Your dad is an idiot. I'm sorry you have an idiot for a dad, but your dad not seeing you has nothing to do.
with your greatness and your gifts. But it's hard for children because their worth is, who loves me? Am I lovable? And if no one loves you, how can you believe you're lovable? As you get older, you think, well, I got to start with, if nobody loves me, and I'm alive and says, believe I'm not lovable, maybe I could reverse that and go, I am lovable, I am, I am, I am, even if I think it's silly, because you're changing the thought
And we know that our thoughts radiate from us like a magnet, people that pick our thinking. You know, if you, I was at a ranch last week, I'm working with horses and if the horse thinks you like it, you know, you have to lie on it. So you touch where all its organs are, its stomach and first the horse will tune into your breathing, actually tunes into your smell and it goes, oh, you like me and I'm safe, it will let you hold it. But if you're nervous and anxious, the horse will pull away.
but people are no different, we tune into us, someone else's thoughts.
We tune into other people's beliefs much more than we tune into their actions, so change your thoughts, because it won't just change how you feel about you or change how everyone else feels about you. Right, because if your thoughts are going to create feelings and emotions within you, your body language is going to change based on your thoughts. And people are going to think of that energy around you. And what I'm hearing you say, people who are addicted, their number one thought is, I'm not enough.
And so they need to go back to the beginning of reversing that lie and changing that thought. Yeah. And like with Ryan, it doesn't take forever. It can take an hour. It can take half an hour. It takes you, because I remember saying to Ryan, you know, you think you're a broken person, but you're not. You're a person who has some broken experiences. You think you're flawed. The truth is you had flawed parenting, but you're not flawed. You're not, you're not a machine that's broken. You're a person.
who's had some broken events, but it doesn't mean you're broken. You would go a lot into I'm enough as well, your other book, which I really loved as well. I want to get into relationships here in a moment. But if if you're watching this, listening to this right now, make sure you guys check out this book, tell yourself a better lie. I'll have it all linked up below on the YouTube video and on the podcast as well. Make sure you get this. And I am enough. If you feel like you're not enough,
I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel on Apple podcast.
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