Hello friends, and welcome back!

So if you are listening to us right now. I am assuming you have already listened to part 1 of 5 Ways to Reconstruct a Marriage where we gave you the first two ways to get your marriage out of a hard season.

Even though there are a lot of ways you can invest in your marriage to get it out of a bad season, we believe these 5 ways work really well in the order we are presenting them, so if you haven't listened to part 1 head on over there and we will be here when you get back!

Part 2 of 5 Ways to Reconstruct Your Marrage

Repair

After you have removed the negative things in your marriage, you will likely need to repair the damage those areas caused.

The first things that will need to be repaired will probably be forgiveness and grace.

During hard seasons grace is hard to maintain, especially if forgiveness is not present. However, a marriage without grace will not succeed. It will not go the distance.

And remember, it’s ok to get help! You do not have to do this on your own.

Even after you have reestablished grace and forgiveness there may be other areas in your marriage that need more repairs than you both can handle. In these cases, don’t be ashamed to get help. If it just seems too hard, get a therapist or a pastor to help you repair your marriage.

Revive

Now is the time to start doing things that will revive your marriage. After you have taken out what has caused the problems, and you have started to repair the broken areas, it’s time to invest in your marriage in ways that will build it back up.

You can refer back to the questions you answered from the reset step about what would benefit your marriage to get started with this step. 

Making investments in your marriage should be something that you do for the rest of your life. When it comes to a relationship you can never be passive and expect a good outcome. Try to find daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly ways to revive your marriage. 

Rediscovery

The final step in this process is to start rediscovering your spouse Whether you have been married for days or years. There is always something new you can learn about them that you didn’t know. 

There are tons of ways you can start rediscovering your spouse.

The main way is to go on dates and simply ask questions. It's amazing where an open conversation can go.

 Another way to learn something new is to take a personality test. You can find out the way the Lord wired you and your spouse by taking a few tests like Meyers Briggs, the Enneagram, and the Temperaments test. We have taken all of these and have learned so much about each other.

 www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Hello Friends,

Have you ever been in a season of marriage where nothing seems to be going your
way? Does everything you do or say turns into an argument? Instead of your home being a safe place, do you find yourself walking on eggshells every day, trying to avoid conflict?

If this sound familiar, the two next episode of our podcast can help. We are going to break down 5 ways you can rescontruct your marriage.

There are seasons in marriage that may seem impossible to get through, this is true for everyone. Alex and I have gone through a few of those seasons in our own marriage. However, you and your spouse will have to work together as a team to get through it. I know this is true because that is exactly how we have gotten through our hard seasons. We decide to work together instead of fighting against each other.

Every marriage is different and you may have to do a major reconstruction on your marriage, but it’s possible to be happy again.

Step 1 in Reconstructing Your Marriage

Do a Reset

The first step in this reconstruction process will be looking at your marriage and deciding what needs to be reset. 

You can start the reset process but sitting down with your spouse and going through
some questions.

What’s not working in our marriage?
What are we doing that guarantees an argument will happen?
When\where does the conflict occur the most?

You can also ask questions during this reset process that can help you and your spouse to move forward.

Are there things we use to do, that we have stopped doing?
What brought life and laughter into our marriage? Are they still happening?
Is there something we could establish that we have never done before?
What is something we can do on a regular basis to invest in our marriage?

These are just a few questions to get you started. The objective here is to sit down and figure out what needs to change in order to get your marriage into a healthy rhythm that will allow it to grow. Then you can move on to the next step.

Step 2 in Reconstructing Your Marriage

Remove Anything Causing Conflict

After you have looked at the areas that need a reset, now it’s time to figure out what needs to be
removed from your marriage.

You can start by seeing if the following is happening in your relationship.

Criticizing and Complaining
If criticism and complaining are normal in your marriage they should be the first two things that you remove. They will cause your marriage to be in a constant negative state, and nothing will change or get better in a negative atmosphere.

Another common issue in marriages are…
Unrealistic or Uncommunicated Expectations
These expectations will only lead to conflict because they can never be fulfilled which leads to resentment and frustration. 

Do an inventory of what your expectations are, if they are unrealistic, remove them altogether.

If your expectations are just uncommunicated, sit down with your spouse and talk through them.

Expectations are way more likely to be carried out if you actually communicate them to the person that needs to know them. 

Just like with the reset option, each marriage is different, so take an honest look at your relationship and decided together what needs to be completely removed so change can come, and then do everything you can to remove them.

Join us on our next episode as we give you the other 3 ways you can reconstruct your marriage.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

The Life-Giving Spouse

Hello friends,

So as Christians we all believe that Jesus is the Son of God however not every Christian culture is exactly the same. Some of you may be very familiar with the term life-giving but there is a possibility that you haven’t heard those particular words, but you may have heard the same message it stands for. Although you will not find the term “life-giving” in the Bible, it is Biblically-based – Let’s break it down.

To be “life-giving” means to inspire and encourage others through positive words and behaviors. It’s partnering with someone through word or deed to help them accomplish a goal. It is cheering someone on instead of tearing someone down.

We see this Biblical idea multiple times in the Word of God.

Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

And let us consider and give attentive, continuous care to watching over one another, studying how we may stir up (stimulate and incite) to love and helpful deeds and noble activities, not forsaking or neglecting to assemble together [as believers], as is the habit of some people, but admonishing (warning, urging, and encouraging) one another, and all the more faithfully as you see the day approaching. – Hebrews 10:24-25

The Life-Giving Spouse

The Word is clear that we are to partner with others to encourage and inspire them. I believe there is no better place to start this practice than in our marriages. We have been given a divine gift and opportunity to be the first and loudest “life-giver” to our spouses.

But where do we begin if this is not something you have heard before? Let’s start with two easy steps.

2 Ways To Be The Life-Giving Spouse

Be The First Positive Voice They Hear

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]. – Proverbs 18:21

So often in marriage, we are the first negative voice our spouse hears. You may not even realize you are doing this. This is something that we should be aware of, and shift from negative to positive.

This one shift can change the atmosphere of your marriage. By simply taking negativity out, you can become a life-giving spouse.

Whisper Criticism, Shout Praise

The second thing you can do to become a life-giving spouse is to whisper criticism, but shout praise.

Whisper Criticism

If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother. – Matthew 18:15

If you find yourself at a point where you need to say something to your spouse, my first words of advice are to PRAY and then PRAY AGAIN. Yes, we are called to help others to grow according to Matthew 18, but we are not Holy Spirit Junior. Our words carry great weight with our spouses, so be sure you have prayed a lot and asked the Lord for the perfect timing and words for what needs to happen. After that, whisper the criticism.

Shout Praise

Withhold no good from those to whom it is due [its rightful owners], when it is in the power of your hand to do it. – Proverbs 3:27

Here is the fun one. When your spouse has done something praiseworthy shout it from the rooftops. Call a friend, post it on Facebook, and share it with your family. Let the world know how awesome they are and how thankful you are for them.

This has a two-fold reward.

First, it builds your spouse up. When a person feels appreciated it, encourages them to continue in the right direction. 

Second, it shows the world that marriage is a good idea. It shows them that you can be happy, healthy, and married.

Change Your Words, Change The World

As you can see, our words have the power not only to change our marriages, but it can change the world. People are hurting and looking for hope. When you start loving your spouse well and speaking life to them the people outside of your marriage will notice as well.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

The No Complaining Rule

Complaining is soomething everyone on the planet does. Although everyone may be doing it, this is something that can impact you, your marriage, and the people around you in a very negative way.

The Problem With Complaining

And at a glance, complaining appears harmless– it’s just a way to vent.

 However, complaining can do alot of damage.

It makes you constantly aware of the negative. That, in turn, affects your mind and emotions which not only changes you personally, but professionally as well. It doesn’t stop there. It can then affect your immune system, which could lead to health problems. If that wasn’t enough negativity and complaining are contagious. Other people catch “the bug” and the cycle begins in their lives as well.

Complaining In Marriage

Then, there is your marriage. It is the one thing that probably suffers the most. Your spouse probably gets the majority of the complaining and negativity. Even if it is not geared at them directly, they will be affected by it.

The No Complaining Rule

If complaining is a problem for you, we recommend Jon Gordon's book, "The No Complaining Rule." We are going to break down some of his steps below but it is a fantastic book.

The No Complaining Rule is pretty simple – you don’t complain. But as I am sure you already know, just because something is simple, does not make it easy to do. 

Do not let unwholesome [foul, profane, worthless, vulgar] words ever come out of your mouth, but only such speech as is good for building up others, according to the need and the occasion, so that it will be a blessing to those who hear [you speak]. – Ephesians 4:29

But again, knowing something and doing it are two very different things. Luckily Jon breaks down this rule in 3 steps that are easy to follow.

The “But, [Positive]” Technique

Complaining always starts with a negative thought. If we can change our thoughts, we can change the way we speak. When a negative thought pops into your head, add “BUT,” then change it to a positive. For example:

• My spouse never helps me around the house BUT they are a hard worker and they provide for our family

• My spouse is always distracted BUT they are taking care of the children and managing our house well

These negative thoughts may be the truth, but by adding the positive thought, we can appreciate our spouses for their good qualities. Instead of just complaining about the bad, we can be proactive in building up our spouse like Ephesians 4:29 encourages us to do.

Focus On The “Get To” Instead Of The “Have To”

How many times a day have we used the phrase “I have to…?”

“I have to go to work today. I have to go get groceries. I have to clean the house.” 

By changing the phrase “I have to” into “I get to” changes our perspective from negative to positive.

So some examples of this would be…

• I get to go to work today, and I am thankful to have a job that supports me and my family

• I get to go buy groceries today and I am thankful we will have food on the table

• I get to clean this house and I am thankful for a safe and welcoming place that I can call mine

Turn Complaints Into Solutions

Not all complaining is bad. There are always things that genuinely need changing and that is especially true in marriage. Marriage is a journey, not a destination. You and your spouse grow as the years go by, but how do we use complaining in a positive way?

Jon Gordon calls positive complaining “justified complaining.” This type of complaining identifies a problem, but only to help provide an opportunity to move in the direction of a solution.

Justified complaining says, “Yes, we have a problem, now how can we fix it?” – it’s proactive. 

Bonus tip! Make it fun!

Will you mess up and complain? Sure. But hold each other accountable and find ways to make it fun.

Include your children and make it a game.

Celebrate when someone makes it to the end of the day with complaining. 

By making this a family activity everyone benefits and it will change the culture of your family.

Like marriage, following this rule is a journey, not a destination. Make the journey enjoyable! 

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Jon Gordon | Bestselling Author and Keynote Speaker

Correcting Comparison

On our last podcast, we talked about the dangers of comparing ourselves and our marriages to others. We explained that comparison never comes alone. It brings discontentment, resentment, and dishonesty with it. When all of these things are operating in our marriages, conflict, and dysfunction will happen, or at the very least it will be an extremely unhappy relationship. So although comparison seems harmless, it’s not.

Let’s look at ways we can correct comparisons in our lives and our marriage.

Correcting Comparison

The first thing we need to do when it comes to comparison is to take inventory. Take a week or so and really observe your behaviors. When and where do you see comparison happening the most? For most of us, it is on social media but there can be other places as well. Once you have identified the times you are most susceptible, it is time to remove those triggers, and we can do that in several ways.

Removing Triggers

• The first way is to hit the Unfollow Button

If there is a certain person(s)/account you are constantly comparing yourself to online it is time to hit the unfollow button. You may not want to unfollow these people but if you are walking away from their feed feeling like you or your marriage does not measure up, unfollowing them is the healthiest thing you can do.

• Choose Your Friends Wisely

Let’s go a step further in this removal process. Do you have “friends” that you are constantly comparing yourself or your marriage to? Do you have “friends” who like to make their life seem absolutely fantastic while making you feel insignificant?I emphasize the word “friends” because if you have this type of person in your life they are NOT your friend.

•  Take a full own Social Media Fast

Perhaps unfollowing a few people is all you need to do, if so that’s great. But for some of us, a full-on fast may be in order. To really stop comparing ourselves to others we may need to take a break from social media altogether for a while. 

Remember we all have different triggers we just touched on a few. The goal here is to remove as many of them as possible, in order to focus on you and your marriage.

So, take a few days and really take inventory. Your trigger may not be listed above but if something or someone is affecting you or your marriage negatively it is time to remove it.

Find Your Strengths

Once we have removed the triggers that have been stealing our joy, it is time to start replenishing our joy. Let’s look at a few ways we can do that.

• Do Some Evaluation by Asking Questions

1. What are you good at?

2. What are areas you love about yourself/your spouse? Physical, Spiritual, Emotional.

3. What is your spouse good at?

4. Is there something unique about your marriage?

5. What do you love about your spouse and marriage?

When we find the answers to these questions we are finding the good about ourselves and our marriages. When we see the good it brings joy. 

Psalm 139 makes it plain that we were created good! 

I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

Speak Gratitude

Our final tip for correcting comparison is very simple. Once you have spotted your and your spouse’s strengths, the things you are both good at. Start showing gratitude.

• Be proud of yourself when you accomplish something you have been working toward.

• Brag on your spouse when you see them walking in their strength. Be a person that just speaks life over your spouse daily! You will be surprised what consistent affirmation can do for a person! 

• Celebrate the wins when you handle something well that used to be a struggle.

There is nothing wrong with spotting the good and speaking up about it. 

A Life Without Comparison is Possible

Comparison is easy to do, but nothing good will come of it. We will be left with discontentment and jealousy if we allow comparison to be a part of our lives. Above are just three steps you can take to correct comparison and start replenishing the joy in your life and marriage, but there are other ways to correct this as well.

So find what works for you and make the changes that you need to make to bring joy back to you and your marriage. Remember God made you and your marriage unique! Find that and embrace it!

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

The Dangers of Comparison

Comparison is something we have all found ourselves doing from time to time, especially in a social media world. With just a few clicks you are bombarded with the absolute best of everyone’s seemingly perfect lives. We see “perfect” marriages, jobs, kids, spouses, and vacations, and it is easy to compare our lives to the lives of others and feel like we don’t add up in some way.

On this episode, we will break down the dangers of comparison and the problems it can bring to your marriage.

The Problems with Comparison

There are several problems with comparison let’s start with the fact that it is not an accurate measurement. I love what Dave Barringer has to say about it.

Comparison takes our deficiencies and measures them against someone else’s highlight reel.

~ Dave Barringer author of The Danger of Comparison in Marriage

There is no way you can accurately compare yourself to someone or someone’s marriage because you can not and will not ever see the whole picture of what is going on. 

Another issue with comparison is it does not factor in our uniqueness. God created us and our spouses with special gifts and abilities… on purpose. He wants us to be original not a remix of someone else He made. 

The Dangers of Comparison 

God created each of us with a specific race to run. He gave us the gifts and abilities that we need to finish our race strong. The same is true with our spouses. When we come together as husband and wife we become one. We become the only couple just like us, and that is a beautiful thing.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us Hebrews 12:1

The danger comes because comparison does not travel alone. Comparison likes to bring his 3 friends to the party.

Discontentment

When we measure our “real” marriage against the picture-perfect marriage of others it is easy to believe that we fall short. We then start viewing everything about our marriage through the lens of discontentment. 

Resentment

Once discontentment sets in resentment is soon to follow. We resent our spouses for not being like the perfect spouses we see all around us. We start making passive-aggressive comments, or straight-out blunt comments about how we wish they were like so and so. 

Deception

Finally, if this discontentment and resentment are not taken care of people reach out to others. We start lying about who with are with or who we are talking to. Situations like this are how affairs and divorces happen. 

In our next podcast, we are going to talk about ways to stop comparing ourselves and our marriages to others.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

6 Ways We Keep Our Love Alive

Being married and being happily married are two very different things. There are tons of
couples out there who have not gotten a divorce, and may never intend to, but their love
died a long time ago. You can see it in their faces and hear it in their words. The
passion is gone. They are married but their love has been snuffed out by the demands
of life. Love that was once alive and thriving is now seemingly dead.

So, on this episode we want to share some ways that Alex and I intentional keep our
love alive, in hopes, that you can create your own list and not become the couple I
described at the beginning of this episode.

Investing in Your Marriage

Investing in your marriage does not have to be expensive or time-consuming, but it
does need to be consistent. Regardless of the way you chose to invest in your marriage
it needs to happen on a regular basis.

Alex’s Three Ways to Keep Love Alive

Pulling each other to the Father
Putting God at the center of your marriage is crucial for a healthy and thriving
relationship. 

Communication
Communication is vitally important to a marriage. 

Nudity
Sex is one of the ways you get to experience intimacy in your marriage. By sharing your
body with your spouse regularly you keep that intimacy alive in your relationship.

Tara’s Three Ways to Keep Love Alive

Friendship
Alex and I are best friends. We truly love spending time together and just hanging out.

Over-Communication
We mentioned communication above, and I honestly can’t overstate how important
communication is to a marriage. 

We Prioritize Each Other
With the exception of Jesus, we are number one in each others lives. This means if one
of us need each other, everything else gets put on pause. We don’t disregard our
responsibilities, but we prioritize our best yes in those moments- which is each other.

Now It’s Your Turn

We challenge you to do the same thing we did. Go to your spouse and ask them this
question.

“What three things do we do that have kept our love alive?”

If your marriage is in a hard season you could ask?

What three things should we start doing to revive our love?”

Give each other some time to process through the list, and then come back and share
your answers with each other. Through this exercise you will learn what is working or
what would work. You will find out what is important to your spouse. Then you get to go

Your love can be alive and thriving or it can be revived and start to grow again. It just
takes some intentionally and consistently.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

On our last podcast, we talked about Boundaries in Marriage. We broke down several definitions of boundaries and concluded that when used in a healthy way, boundaries can be beneficial to a marriage in multiple ways and in multiple areas.

However, boundaries can be difficult in marriage for multiple reason. Join us on this episode as we share how to set boundaries in two easy steps.

Biblical Order

Have you ever heard of Biblical order? There is a high possibility that this may be new to you because this is not taught a lot. Biblical order basically sets the order of importance and priority we should show to the relationships in our lives. According to the Biblically model this is how we should prioritize our lives- God, spouse, children, parents, extended family, brothers and sisters in Christ, and then the rest of the world.

Some people have issues with the order of this list, but we assure you two things.

First, this is Biblical based, and you can find scripture to back this up.

Secondly, if you get your relationships in this order of importance by establishing boundaries to protect it, you will find an abundance you didn’t think would be possible. Everyone you come in contact with should get the same version of you, but not everyone desires the same depth of you, and that includes close relationships.

Getting your life in spiritual order and then establishing boundaries to maintain that order will help you to be good to everyone but save your depth for those the important people and situations in your life.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Step 1: Discuss the “What” and the “Why”

To begin with, you and your spouse will have to sit down and have a conversation about the “what and why”. What boundaries do we want set? Why we think they need to be set?

This is an especially critical step in the process. Whether you struggle with boundaries or not, it’s easier to work together as a team if you know the “why” behind something.

I know that is definitely true for us. Alex and I both do better if we know the why behind something.

So let's look at some examples with the list we shared in out previous podcast.

• In-Laws and other Family Members 

• What? We will not discuss our arguments with our family members?

• Why? Because being objective is hard for family members and they may not forgive or forget.

• Communication 

• What? We will not name-call or be demeaning to one another, especially during heated conversations.

• Why? Because we want to maintain a level of respect and honor in our relationship regardless of the situation.

• Money 

• What? We will discuss all purchases over X amount prior to making them.

• Why? Because we both need to be on the same page as far as finances are concerned.

• Friends and Work Relationship 

• What? Because we spend a great deal of time with these people these relationships will be extremely transparent to our spouses. They can see any and all communication that is made after hours.

• Why? Because affairs don’t start by accident, protecting our marriage is our top priority not work.

• Personal 

• What? At least once a month we will do something that brings life to us as an individual.

• Why? Maintaining close relationships or making time for hobbies is important.

• Intimacy 

• What? We will stay faithful and only have an intimate relationship with each other.

• Why? Our marriage is a covenant, and our vows should be honored.

Step 2: Don’t Apologize to Anyone for these Boundaries.

Once you and your spouse are on the same page. Don’t negotiate, compromise for, or apologize for anyone. There will be people both in your family and in your friend group that do not understand why you and your spouse have these boundaries in place. They don’t have too! They don’t have to understand or agree.

If the boundaries are agreed upon between you and your spouse and it is helping your marriage that’s all that matters.

Our Podcast - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage

Boundaries in Marriage

Hello friends and welcome to the latest episode of the A  Beautiful Adventure Marriage Podcast. So in this episode, we are talking about “boundaries”. Which can be a pretty hard topic to talk about with people because some people love them, some people hate them, while others just don't really care.   

Boundaries in marriage can be difficult because typically someone who loves boundaries will marry someone who doesn’t. Proving the old saying, “opposites attract” is true.

So, in order to help you and your marriage, and possibly prevent issues from causing conflict with your spouse, let’s start by finding out what boundaries really are and see if we can correct any misconceptions.

What are Bondaries?

If you look up the word “boundary” you will find that it is defined as a line that marks the limit of an area. There are lines that are set and marked well so others will not cross them. 

Although that is a great definition of boundaries, as I was researching for this episode, I found a lot of good definitions for this controversial word. I wanted to share a few of them here.

A boundary in a marriage is the limit of what a person is willing to accept from their partner.
Boundaries serve as an outward expression of a person’s core values, beliefs, and reflects what they need to feel safe, respected, and loved.

~April Eldemire

A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of
ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.

~Henry Cloud

You can even find boundaries in God's Word.

 Adonai is my portion and my cup. You cast my lot. My boundary lines fall in pleasant places —surely my heritage is beautiful. Psalm 16:5-6

Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries are especially necessary in a marriage. For a marriage to be healthy there are several areas where healthy boundaries can be put into place. Because like April Eldemire said above boundaries define what your limits are, what your core beliefs are, and what you need to feel safe and secure.

A few areas where you may want to consider boundaries are-

• In-Laws and other Family Members (Genesis 2:24)- the Bible tells us to “leave and cleave” and that means our spouse and marriage needs to come first. That includes any family relationship. Can you still honor and spend time with your family? Of course, but they need to be in a proper and healthy position in your life.

• Communication (Ephesians 4:29)- There needs to be boundaries in the way you talk to and about your spouse, whether that be in an argument or normal conversation. We have “Battle Boundaries” in place in our marriage, but we also have boundaries set up for everyday conversations. You can find how we set up the “Battle Boundaries,” by reading our blog, “Rules of Engagement Marriage Edition“.

• Money (Hebrews 13:5) – money is the number one source of conflict in a marriage. Setting boundaries can put you and your spouse on the same page with your finances which can bring a great deal of peace into your relationship.

• Friends and Work Relationship (Proverbs 4:23)- There are some people that we will spend a lot of time with, without our spouse being present. Boundaries should be in place there to protect your heart and your most important relationship.

• Personal (Psalm 139:14) – Although we are one in marriage, we can still be unique. It’s easy to want to change things about your spouse so boundaries can be put into place to safeguard that from happening.

• Intimacy (Hebrews 13:4)-Sex and intimacy is a vital part of any marriage. It is important to have conversations about this aspect of marriage and set boundaries that work for both husband and wife.

On our next podcast, we are going to break down the areas in marriage where boundaries can be set and show you ways to get them set up and implemented. So if this is an area that needs improvement in your marriage don’t miss our next episode dropping on the 19th! 

https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/boundaries-in-marriage/

Spiritual intimacy is so important in a marriage, and one of the ways you can develop spiritual intimacy and make it strong is by praying together. Although we are firm believers in prayer, we also get that prayer is not always easy, even in a relationship where both of you pray individually.  It will be something you will have to intentionally work at, but the benefits of it will be worth the work.

Recent studies have shown that while 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 78 percent of second marriages end in divorce, less than 1 percent of couples who pray together daily end their marriages.

This study shows that by simply praying together on a regular basis you can virtually divorce-proof your marriage. We have attended a marriage class earlier this year. The teacher shared this same statistic but added that if you hold hands with your spouse while praying it lowers that 1% divorce rate even more.

With this new information about the importance and power of prayer, we wanted to share 3 tips that help us to divorce-proof our own marriage by getting our prayer time established and maintained.

Three Tips to Established Prayer in Your Marriage

Tip #1- Push Through the Awkward

Take Away #1 – Even if it feels awkward at first, keep at it. The more you pray together the more comfortable you will become.

Tip #2- Find a Rhythm that Works for You

Away #2 – Find the best rhythm for you and your spouse. Don’t give up if the first few attempts don’t work. Try need places and times until you find what works best for you.

Tip #3- Be Intentional 

Take Away #3 – Being super intentional in the beginning will help you form a habit that happens every day.

Bonus Tip: Give Yourself and Your Spouse Grace and Never Give Up

https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/prayer-and-your-marriage/

Spiritual Intimacy

When it comes to marriage you hear the word, intimacy, a lot. Although our minds tend to only think about physical intimacy between a husband and a wife, there is another area in which we can become intimate with each other. Spiritual intimacy is something that is not talked about a lot, but it’s something that can take your marriage to a level you never dreamed possible.

Spiritual intimacy is the act of revealing your deepest core values, passions, and beliefs with your spouse and allowing them to do the same.

There are countless studies that show the importance of this kind of intimacy and connection, but in very basic terms, spiritual intimacy is the glue that will bond you and your spouse together in the good times when things are going well and especially in the bad times that try to take you down.

Ways to Develop Your Spiritual Intimacy in Your Marriage

A few months before we went on Sabbatical, Tara started reading the book “A Time to Advance” by Chuck Pierce. It’s all about the Jewish calendar, the twelve tribes of Israel, and the early church. It kept referencing another book by Robert Heidler called, “The Messianic Churching Arising,” which is on the same topic.

As we learned about the early church and the Jewish calendar, Alex and I committed to structuring our lives more closely to the Lord’s design, and in the process grew closer together spiritually. Here’s what we have started doing.

Weekly Sabbaths

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Exodus 20:8

Saturday Morning Reading

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

2 Timothy 3:16-17

We use the Tree of Life Bible App. It gives you weekly readings that allow you to read the entire Bible through.  

Daily Prayer Time

Do not be anxious about anything—but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:6

Intentional and Strategic Giving

Let each one give as he has decided in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion—for God loves a cheerful giver.

2 Corinthians 9:7

Find Your Own Rhythm

Spiritual intimacy takes time to build but it’s worth the time you invest in it. You may not be able to do all the things all at once. Tara and I started small and built up as we went. We are still adding and adjusting things to make it unique and life-giving to our marriage. We encourage you to do the same.

If you have any questions about the resources we linked or more detail on how we walk this out, please send us a message on our website or any of our social media sites. We would love to share this journey with you.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Travel Tips from the Payne’s

Tip 1: Research the Area

The first step on any adventure is picking your destination. Once you have done that the real work (and fun) begins. It is time to research the area to see what it has to offer. Alex is fantastic at this. We have traveled all over the lower 48. We always pack in as much as we can during our vacation time. The reason we are able to do so much is because Alex researches the area and knows where to find the things we wanted to see.

Tip 2: Set Non-Negotiables

Like I said above, we are not always able to hit every single thing we want to see and do, because of that, we have learned to set non-negotiables. These are things that take priority. They have to happen. 

Now disclaimer- you have to fully and clearly communicate the non-negotiables- don’t just assume your spouse knows.

And this is something you can do as a family, but it is also something that you can do if you travel with friends. Everyone can be apart of setting the non-negotiables. You can also do this for the same trips as well.

Tip 3: Do something JUST BECAUSE

A plan is great, but don’t forget to do something just because you want to. Maybe a random thought pops in your head while you are on vacation. Go for it. Sometimes the best memories come from a random thought or coming up on something you did not know was there.

The JUST BECAUSE moments are great and make for some really good stories.

Tip 4: Take Some Friends with You

Alex and I have vacationed alone and we have vacationed with friends! We enjoy both and encourage you to do both as well. 

Our only really encouragement here is to be very selective about who you travel with. It can be the difference between a beautiful adventure or a complete disaster. You want to make sure that you travel with like minded people or it will be hard to have an enjoyable time.

Tip 5: Be Prepared for Detours

Just like in life, sometimes you have to take a detour on vacations. We cannot always anticipate everything that can knock us off course. During those moments of detours, we need to either prepared or have the tools to help us manage the detour. 

Tip 6: Invite the Father Along

Before we leave on a trip we always pray the same prayer.

“Abba, meet us there. Show us wild and beautiful things and speak to us in ways that only we will understand.”

It’s such a short little prayer but we have experienced SO MUCH because of it. When you invite God into anything He comes and brings awesome things with Him. 

What Works for Travel Works for Marriage

These are just a few things Alex and I do to ensure that we will have a great vacation. The great news is- what works for travel works for marriage. You can take these travel tips, apply them to your relationship, and in time your marriage can be the most beautiful adventure you have ever been on.

Travel Tips from the Payne's - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage

Summer is officially here. Although this is a great time to spend with your family, it can also be a time that cause strain on your marriage. With the kids out of school, and fun to be had by all, it’s easy to fill your calendar to the absolute max. If you aren’t careful your marriage can feel the effects of this. It can come to the point where you and your spouse are like two ships that pass in the night. That weakens connection.

Here at A Beautiful Adventure Marriage, we are all about adventure and fun, but not at the expense of your relationship. Join us on this podcast as we look at 5 ways to have fun this summer, enjoy your kids, but still keep your connection as husband and wife.

5 Ways for Your Marriage to Thrive this Summer

Don’t over-commit yourself or your family

Sit down and have a discussion as husband and wife to figure out what your capacity is this summer.

After you and your spouse have the chance to sit down together, then include the kids.

Another way you can keep your calendar free is to limit the number of activities per week.

Its Ok to Tell Your Kids… No

Honestly, kids need to see what a good marriage is more than they need to do every single activity that comes up.

Schedule Regular Date Nights

Dating is one of the best ways to keep connection and intimacy alive in your marriage.

Share in each Other’s Interest and Hobbies.

I believe everyone has more fun when they know they will get a turn to choose what is done.

Have Weekly Check Ins

You and your spouse will have to work together as a team for this to be successful.

Have Fun this Summer

By the time fall gets here, you don’t want to be exhausted with little to show for it. Doing everything we mentioned above may take a little work on the front end, but this work will help you and your family to have an amazing summer.

Our prayer is that you and your family will end summer closer than when you went into it.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Culture. This may or may not be a word that you are familiar with, especially in your marriage. Honestly, this was not a word used a lot in our household until the last few years; however, by being intentional about creating a healthy marriage culture, our relationship has thrived.

Four Ways to Co-Create the Marriage Culture You Want?

A healthy culture does not happen organically. Effort and intentionality are the key ingredients when creating your culture. Alex made it clear that if we don’t create our culture it will become what we tolerate. It’s what we allow to happen in our marriage. We can be passive and allow anything and everything into our marriages, or we can be intentional and co-create a culture conducive to health, growth, and happiness.

Start with a Family Meeting

One person cannot create the culture in your marriage. When one person comes in and starts throwing all kinds of rules at people, they will rebel against them. Make this a family activity. By doing this together, you will find out what is important to everyone. If everyone is on board it will make things a lot easier.

Co-Create Rituals

As a family talk through some things that will be expected on a regular basis. These should be clear and simple things, to begin with.

Co-create values, mission, and purpose for your marriage

How do we create values, mission, and purpose? You have to start by finding out what is important to you and your family. You can do this by asking yourself and your family these questions.

What do you want people to say about your marriage and family?

• Do you want your marriage to be known for its kindness?

• Would you like your children to be known for how respectful they are to others?

• Do you want your family to be mission-minded and active in the community?

There are so many more questions that could be asked here, but use these as a starting point. 

Co-create a Culture Board

Then the Lord answered me and said, “Write the vision and engrave it plainly on [clay] tablets so that the one who reads it will run. Habakkuk 2:2

Find a way to keep your culture visible to everyone. Write it out and put it on the refrigerator. Get creative as a family and create a culture board. Design a family seal that reminds you who you are. Whatever it takes to make it plain so everyone can help create it, and walk it out.

The goal is to get everyone on the same page so your culture can thrive and so can your marriage and family.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

We live in a technology driven society. Wherever you go, and anywhere you look you can find some form of technology. Although technology has brought us a ton of conveniences it has the power to destroy something that is far more precious, your intimacy and connection with your spouse and family. 

Statistics Don’t Lie

So we recently when to a marriage conference where Jimmy Evans was speaking. He is the founder of XO Marriage, a ministry that exists to help couples have a healthy and strong marriage. He talked a lot about technology and the impact it can have on your marriage as a whole. Here is a little of what he shared with us.

• 1/3 of all affairs start online.

• Facebook causes 25% of arguments that take place in a week’s period.

• 1 in 7 couples consider divorce because of the social media habits of their spouse.

And here are the ones that left us speechless…

• 10% of people will stop having sex to check their phone if it goes off.

• 35% of people check their phones as soon as they are finished having sex.

Our Take Away

The majority of people, when given the opportunity, will choose technology (especially their phones) over actual human interaction and connection.

Ways to Regain Intimacy and Connection

Intimacy Requires Privacy

Goal #1- Set aside some time every day that is technology free.

Intimacy Requires Living Human Contact

Goal #2- Be intentional about holding your spouse instead of your phone.

Intimacy Requires Protection

Goal #3- Set boundaries that will protect your marriage.

Intimacy Requires Rest

Goal #4- Find some time each week to rest and recharge.

For information check out our blog -

Technology and Your Marriage - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage

 For the month of May, we have focused on communication. We have broken down communication and explained that it should be clear, calm, current, and constructive. Then we talked about how you could implement constructive communication in a Biblical and practical way. 

We are wrapping this month up by talking about a form of communication that absolutely changes our marriage for the better.

What Does It Mean to Over-Communicate?

Over-Communication means you use as many literal words as necessary to express an expectation, a need, or a want. In other words, over-communicate assumes nothing but communicates everything.

4 Ways to Over-Communicate with Your Spouse

Flat-out state what you want/need.

Your spouse cannot read your mind. It is unfair to get upset over uncommunicated expectations or desires.

Repeat back what you heard.

When you and your spouse are having an important conversation it’s always a good idea to repeat back what you think they are trying to communicate. When you start practicing this you may be surprised how often you hear something completely different than what your spouse is trying to say.

Ask clarifying questions.

If you are having a hard time understanding each other start asking clarifying questions. Get as many details as possible, do not just assume you have an understanding of the point.

Once a decision is made, restate the decision in your own words as well as the plan (if applicable) you both agree to execute.

This is one of the most important steps in this process. Do not leave the conversation without making sure you know the plan but also know what the next step is.

Our Podcast - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage

On our last podcast, we talked about the breakdown in communication. We talked about how communication needs to be clear, calm, current, and constructive.

On this episode, let’s break down what constructive communication is, why it’s important, and how we can use certain tools to help us communicate in a more constructive way. We are also going to give you Biblical and practical ways to apply it to your relationships in hopes that these tools will help you to build the marriage you and your spouse want to have.

Tools for Constructive Communication

Tool One: Compromise

A compromise is an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

To compromise both people must be willing to make changes to move forward and accomplish whatever the task may be. No one person completely gets his or her way.

For compromise to happen both people must realize a few things.

• There is more than one way to accomplish the goal.

• Your way is not the only way.

• Your way may not even be the best option.

Tool Two: Capitulation

Capitulation is the action of surrendering or ceasing to resist an opponent or demand:

So, capitulation is the opposite of compromise. When we use the tool of capitulation one person does get their way.

For capitulation to happen both people must realize a few things.

• It’s not about winning or losing but about maintaining unity while accomplishing the goal.

• Your spouse’s way may be the best option.

• You can’t be bitter if your way is not chosen.

Tool Three: Agree to Disagree

Agreeing to disagree happens when the goal can be accomplished without the couple necessarily being in 100% agreement. There are times in your marriage where one way needs to be chosen. However, this is not the case all the time. In some situations, you can work individually and still accomplish the same goal. In these moments, you can agree to disagree and still move forward.

If you are going to practice “agree to disagree” both people must realize a few things.

• You don’t have to pick just one way to do something with every situation.

• You don’t have to accomplish every goal 100% together.

• You can divide and conquer but if you divide the task up, don’t get hung up on how your spouse does their part.

Biblical Application-

We get into the Word, and we become more like Christ. When we spend time in His Word, we will start to take on His unselfish love and concern for others, and using these constructive tools will come more naturally.

Practical Application-

Let the other person talk- we will never be able to move forward as a team if we don’t let the other person communicate their opinions and ideas.

Listen with the goal of understanding not responding- Really listen to what the other person is saying and genuinely consider their ideas. Don’t be formulating your response while they are talking.

Ask clarifying questions to further the conversation- this is the time to ask all the questions you need to in order to understand your spouse’s point of view and ideas

Stay humble- at the end of the day you win or lose as a team. Regardless of how the decision falls you and your spouse need to have a humble spirit.

Our Podcast - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage

Communication Breakdowns and Misunderstandings! Lack of Communication or the Silent Treatment!

If you ask any couple to name one thing they struggle with the most in their marriage, they would probably say something about communication. Communication between any two people can be difficult, but in marriage lack of communication or communication breakdowns can bring a lot of unnecessary harm.

Join us for this episode as we give you the breakdown on how to communicate effectively with your spouse.

To be effective communication must be...

Clear-

This means it must make sense, not only to us, but to our spouse as well. We don’t need to intentionally speak in a way that is confusing to our spouse. They shouldn’t have to decipher our words like some kind of code to “hopefully” figure out what we are trying to say.

Calm-

We learned that only 7% of the message another person receives comes from our actual words. The rest of the message comes from 55% body language, and 38% tone. This shows us that staying calm and in control of our body language and tone are very important. Staying calm in a situation will always improve communication. But we all know when tempers flare it’s easy to say and do things we regret later.

Current-

This means we need to communicate with our spouses every day. There does not need to be long stretches of time when we aren’t speaking to our spouse. This also means the communication we do have needs to be up to date, and frequent. We don’t need to leave anything to assumptions.

Now you can break “current” down two ways in your daily life:

• Communicating any changes that happen.

• Not being historical, especially during a conflict.

Constructive-

When you have a situation where you do not agree, it can cause a lot of stress, especially if this decision will impact your future. Yelling and screaming and being downright belligerent will in no way make your communication or your marriage better. If you are not emphatic, it can cause your spouse to feel like you do not value them or their opinion, which can lead to more issues down the road.

On our next podcast we are going to bring down how you can constructively communicate with your spouse.

The Break Down on Communication - A Beautiful Adventure Marriage

The Power of Consistent Behavior

How would you like to be “the” couple?

You probably know the couple I am talking about but if not, let me introduce you to them.

This couple seems genuinely happy and optimistic about their life and marriage. They speak kindly to each other and about each other. Regardless of how long they have been together or what season they are going through; their marriage relationship is thriving. Although they have seasons of hardship and struggle you never really see it. They respect each other in public, and they don't air their dirty laundry on social media.

There is just something about this couple. Everyone enjoys being with them and wants to know what their secret is.

There really isn't a secret. You can become "the" couple by practicing consistent behavior.

What is consistent behavior?

Consistent behavior means you do the same things in the same way over a long period of time. 

·        By making good consistent decisions, you prove that you are trustworthy and dependable. 

·        When you make good consistent decision in your relationship, you are showing you value the wellbeing of not only yourself but the other person.

Matthew 5:37 gives us a great formula for consistent behavior.

All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

Biblical application-

·        Let your yes be yes - if you say you are going to do something, do it. Big or small (the little things add up)

·        Let your no be no - if you can't do something, be honest about it.

·        Communicate often - if things change, communicate the changes to avoid unnecessary conflict.

Check out the podcast for the ways you can practically apply this in your life.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Unpacking Emotional Baggage

Emotional baggage, unfortunately, we all have it! Although some of us have never gone through an extremely traumatic experience, we have all been wounded in some way in our past. Even though we can learn a great deal from our past, sometimes there are certain experiences that impact our future in an ongoing negative way. If we don’t deal with the emotional baggage from our past, it can weigh us down. It can negatively influence our decisions and actions, which can be detrimental to our relationships, especially our marriage.

Join us today as we talk about ways to unpack emotional baggage so it can no longer affect you or your marriage in a negative way.

Ways to Unpack Your Emotional Baggage

Identify the Problems

The first step in unpacking the emotional baggage that is negatively impacting your relationship is to identify what the problem areas are. This part of the process may take months, or possibly years, depending on the severity of both your and your spouse’s past experiences. The important thing here is to handle one issue at a time.

Acknowledge and Communicate the Emotion

As you are going through your emotional baggage piece by piece, you will experience emotions that are linked to whatever issue you are dealing with. Acknowledge and communicate those emotions. That’s the only true way that you can process and heal. It’s also the only way your spouse will truly know what is going on, and how to help.

Make Special Accommodations

Now that you have identified some problem areas, and have started communicating those issues and your emotions to your spouse, you can establish a plan of action.

This may mean that you and your spouse do and say things differently than other couples around you. You may discover that what is ok for others, may not be ok for your relationship, but here’s the truth about that.

Your marriage and your spouse are worth whatever changes need to be made.

Go to Therapy

There are some issues that are easily handled at home. However, some issues can be deeply rooted. It’s ok to acknowledge the fact that you need help dealing with it. If you find yourself in a situation where your emotional baggage is simply too overwhelming for you and your spouse to handle alone, get help.

https://abeautifuladventuremarriage.com/our-podcast/