Tools for Connecting With Ourselves

Elder law and estate planning attorney Andrea Lee joins Suzanne to provide some tips for unpaid family caregivers caring for a loved one about the legal documents they need to have in place, and also some practical tips to keep in mind. Andrea Lee serves as an attorney for Legacy Estate Planning in Belleville, Washington.

Andrea says, "I'm going to share my own experiences, my own tips that I have, working as an elder law attorney for 15 years and then my own experiences as a caregiver to my mom, who has dementia, and is still at home with my dad.

"The basic legal tools that they need are so important to have in place. They're the financial power of attorney because that's the document that says, hey, if my parent is incapacitated, my parent is not able to make competent decisions on their own, can I make sure I have access to managing their finances? Can I make sure their bills are being paid? If my dad starts accidentally giving money away because he got an email from the Prince of Uganda trying to get money, do I have a way to help him out and support him, advocate for him financially, and legally? ... Second is that healthcare power of attorney... Oftentimes it falls to one child to be the primary caregiver. And if you are a parent, and you have a child who is helping you, then you should take a moment to thank them, because they are kind of the unsung heroes of care. But sometimes families fail to recognize the challenges that those caregivers might face, and the children who are not caregivers are sometimes so critical of the care that their brother or sister is giving their mom and dad, they might be harassing them about decisions that they're making, trying to tell them what to do. So that healthcare power of attorney, where you name that primary caregiver as the person that you trust to make these important medical decisions for you, are essential."

Andrea adds, "Maybe they have three daughters, and they love all three of their daughters, and all three of their daughters are responsible adults, and they trust all of them. And they're asking me, well, how do we pick which daughter? And I actually say, 'all things being equal, pick the best communicator. Pick the one who plans the birthday parties, pick the one who's reaching out to his or her siblings, and who's a good communicator.'

Learn more:
* Andrea Lee: https://www.waltar.com/andrealee/
* Legacy Estate Planning: https://www.waltar.com/

Hear more:
* Legacy Estate Planning podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/tag/legacy-estate-planning/
* Power of attorney podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/tag/power-of-attorney/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/
Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks: https://alzheimersspeaks.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Elder law and estate planning attorney Andrea Lee joins Suzanne to talk about essential legal documents to have in place no matter your age, keeping them up to date, and describing oft overlooked documents such as the HIPAA release and POLST form, Physicians Order of Life Sustaining Treatment form. Andrea Lee serves as an attorney for Legacy Estate Planning in Belleville, Washington. 

Andrea says, "Earlier, I said estate planning is a little bit like a pyramid. In the very bottom of that pyramid are documents every single person should have. And two of those documents are the financial and health care power of attorney. But in addition to that, there are a few other documents that every adult should have. When my daughter became an adult, I drafted them for her because they're the documents that allow your loved ones to take care of you when you're alive, but unable to care for yourself. And we hate to think about that time, if that ever happens.

"Do not do it online. If you are over the age of 65, then I would encourage you to work with an elder law attorney. Estate planning attorneys... can do that when you're young. It's totally different goals, because if you're younger, it's about finding heirs and making sure that you're building your empire... The planning looks different, the objectives look different, and sometimes the documents look different... Now, it's extremely important... that those documents be properly done and be kept up to date... We ask our clients to come back every five years. We oftentimes don't have to make a change in five years, sometimes we do. But that's the opportunity for me to sit down with my clients and ask what's changed in your life. It's also an opportunity for us to review any law changes that might have happened."

"Frequently overlooked is a HIPAA release. Due to the privacy laws at hospitals, they're not necessarily supposed to share confidential medical information with individuals who are not the person seeking or receiving treatment, right? A HIPAA release is extremely important. That's because an individual might, say, name their spouse as their healthcare power of attorney, and that individual is charged with making all the medical decisions for them, but they might also want to make sure that their children — who may or may not be the children of that spouse — be able to visit them at the hospital anytime, learn information about their care, find out the status of mom or dad. And without that HIPAA release, the hospital is only required to provide medical information to the one agent named in that healthcare power of attorney. And there have been instances where individuals have been isolated from their loved ones, because their one healthcare power of attorney has told hospitals or medical institutions or adult family homes not to share information with these individuals. 'I'm the healthcare agent, I'm the one who gets to make decisions on behalf of the incapacity person, and legally I don't want information shared with their children or their siblings.' And maybe if that person who was incapacitated was competent, there's no way they would want their children kept away from them. So people sometimes don't realize how important that HIPAA release is in making sure your family members can get medical information and care information should you be incapacitated.

"I am going to talk about a POLST form. But there's also a form that I provide to my clients, that estate planning and elder law attorneys do provide, called a living will. And people sometimes confuse the two documents, a living will versus a POLST form. A POLST form is the physician's orders for life sustaining treatment. It is an order signed by your doctor. So an attorney cannot give you a POLST form. Your medical doctor can. They're usually lime green.... 

"I had a neighbor, Ruth who was a fabulous neighbor, and she was diagnosed with terminal cancer... She actually came to me and said, my doctor wants me to sign this thing called a POLST form, what do you think? I said, 'If you had a heart attack, would you want them to bring you back, so that you could die slowly of cancer?' And she was like, 'no, if I had a heart attack right now, I don't want any treatment, because I know that I'm dying of cancer.'... However, for many individuals, even if they're 75 or 80, maybe they don't need a POLST form. But what they do need is a living will, and hopefully you have a living will.

"I have a living will that says, hey, if I'm in a car accident, if I have a stroke, if I have a heart attack, please do everything possible to treat me... But once the medical team has done everything possible, if two physicians determine that there is no hope I'm going to improve... and I can't express my wishes... do I want to be let go? Do I want to be kept comfortable but have them remove life-sustaining means like hydration, nutrition, ventilation? And that's a very different scenario. So, living wills are documents that every single person should have."

Learn more:
* Andrea Lee: https://www.waltar.com/andrealee/
* Legacy Estate Planning: https://www.waltar.com/

Hear more:
* Legacy Estate Planning podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/tag/legacy-estate-planning/
* Power of attorney podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/tag/power-of-attorney/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/
Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks: https://alzheimersspeaks.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Elder law and estate planning attorney Andrea Lee joins Suzanne to talk about the healthcare power of attorney document. Andrea Lee serves as an attorney for Legacy Estate Planning in Belleville, Washington. This document is often overlooked by families. Who can make medical decisions for you when you're not able to make your own choices?

Andrea says, "There is so much that goes into making someone's medical decisions. When I've had family members in the hospital, I've been awoken at 1 a.m. to authorize a blood transfusion. Or I've been hit with a question of, hey, there are different treatment options, you need to decide which one is going to be best. And those are very difficult decisions for family members to make. But what that health care power of attorney does is, number one, it gives them the legal ability to actually make those decisions. For many people that is especially essential, because you might have more than one child, you might have a new spouse and children from a previous marriage. And then the question comes down to, if an individual is hospitalized or incapacitated, who do they want to be making those decisions on their behalf? If someone doesn't sign that health care power attorney, you're really just opening the door for conflict in your family, because you're not designating which of your five wonderful children you want to make those decisions, and that's just going to create chaos amongst those children.

"One of the most important decisions people will make is: who are the people they're going to name as their agents, who is the person who will manage your finances, who is the person who will make those medical decisions. Well-drafted health care powers of attorneys don't give that much direction. They give a lot of powers. And that's because as an attorney who's been practicing in this area of the law for as long as I have, you learn that there are just too many possible scenarios that cannot be addressed within a power of attorney document. You can't anticipate what someone's illness might look like, or what the end of their life might look like. So it's important that the document give the agent all the powers to make those decisions.

"It is a sign to them that you have faith in them, you have trust in their decision-making abilities, and that they are the individual you want charged with that hard situation. It is so important in families that have multiple potential decision-makers to choose the person. I tell my clients frequently, you know what? You can have two children who love you, who have your best interests at heart, who want to do everything to help you and support you. But they can still disagree. And it's possible that neither one of them are wrong. They could both be right, but it's just a matter of opinion. So it's so important to choose that one person that you think best supports your personal view."

Learn more:
* Andrea Lee: https://www.waltar.com/andrealee/
* Legacy Estate Planning: https://www.waltar.com/

Hear more:
* Legacy Estate Planning podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/tag/legacy-estate-planning/
* Power of attorney podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/tag/power-of-attorney/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/
Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks: https://alzheimersspeaks.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Elder law and estate planning attorney Andrea Lee joins Suzanne to share advice and tips for legal planning to help you age gracefully in a situation that you like. Andrea Lee serves as an attorney for Legacy Estate Planning in Belleville, Washington. The power of attorney document is a critical tool to let your family help take care of you when you're in a crisis situation.

Andrea says, "There are a lot of misconceptions regarding power of attorney documents, having the ability to manage an individual's state or affairs, and what each person should have in place. Now, typically when I talk about estate planning, I equate it to a pyramid, where there are certain tools every single adult should have in place. Every single person over the age of 18 should have very basic estate planning documents. But as people age, it becomes more important to have those basic documents in place. I would say weekly, I get a phone call or a message that says I need to get power of attorney over my mom.  And the reality is, you don't get power of attorney over someone, an individual has to give that power... We each have the ability as adults to make decisions on our own. But it's, it's really difficult to think that a time [may] come... to empower our children or our cousins or whomever loves you and wants to take care of you, to help you navigate aging or potential incapacity. Of all the estate planning documents I prepare for my clients, financial power of attorney is one of the most important documents.

"Can I take a moment and tell you about my own powers of attorney? I've been an estate planning and elder law attorney for about 18 years now. And I actually take care of my own mother, who has pretty advanced dementia, along with my dad and my siblings. But we had our own challenge with powers of attorneys a few years ago. My brother Christian was sick... In a very short period of time, he went to the hospital and he went into a coma... it was a horrible time for my family. He was 44 years old at the time, he had been in perfect health... And our family was beside itself because we're a very close family and we love each other and support each other. And when my brother Christian was first hospitalized, the hospital would not even share medical information with us. 

"Even though I'm an estate planning attorney and I had offered to draft documents to him over and over again, he was a 44 year old healthy man, and he's like, 'I don't need that. Why do I need that?' But when he became ill, they would not tell us medically what was going on because we did not have the health care power attorney. We did not have a HIPAA release... We wanted to do the most basic things to help him, to cancel his credit card bills, talk to his insurance company, pay his rent, but our hands were tied. So my family felt just completely lost because we wanted to help him and he would have wanted us to help him, but we didn't have those tools right now.

"That was one of the most painful and difficult times for my family, and as an estate planning attorney, that is where I don't want my clients to be. And that's why having properly drafted estate power of attorney documents are essential... That's the tool that lets your loved ones take care of you when you're not able to manage your own thing."

Learn more:
* Andrea Lee: https://www.waltar.com/andrealee/
* Legacy Estate Planning: https://www.waltar.com/

Hear more:
* Legacy Estate Planning podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/tag/legacy-estate-planning/
* Power of attorney podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/tag/power-of-attorney/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/
Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks: https://alzheimersspeaks.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Wenderlein joins Suzanne to talk about how he got started as a hospice chaplain and wrote his two books ''Remember Me: End of Life as Seen through the Eyes of a Hospice Chaplain'' and ''Delayed Honor.''

"John says, "What I found as I was visiting these patients, I would leave having to write their stories down. So on my computer, I have 1,000, 1,500 stories... One of my pastor buddies about a year or two ago said, John, you should write a book. I was telling him a quick story. He wasn't a chaplain, he was a retired pastor, and he said, John, that story is so overwhelming... I wrote my first book, and I struggled with it. With the help of close friends and my wife, I got through it.

"My second book, what we found is and many people forget is we have pretty much buried a generation of World War II and Korean veterans – the last patient I had was 105, he was in the Army Air Corps, which ended in 1947. What I was finding was, when I would meet a Vietnam veteran at the end of his life, I talked about this reflection. They were devastated, they were heartbroken. When they came back to this country, they were just spat upon, horrible things done. So I took those stories and I put them in my second book. And that book has just come out a couple of weeks ago, and that's called Delayed Honor."

Learn more about John Wenderlein:
* Remember Me: End of Life as Seen through the Eyes of a Hospice Chaplain https://www.amazon.com/Remember-Me-through-Hospice-Chaplain/dp/B0CGL5V4KZ
* Delayed Honor https://www.amazon.com/Delayed-Honor-John-Kirn-Wenderlein/dp/B0CTXB6M22
* John's website: https://www.remembermejw.com/

Hear more:
* End of life podcasts at Answers for Elders: https://answersforelders.com/tag/end-of-life/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/
Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks: https://alzheimersspeaks.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hospice chaplain John Wenderlein joins Suzanne to talk about how he helps families facilitate having those difficult conversations during end of life care and hospice.

John says, "I think you have to bring them to a peace of mind. You know, we come into a family, and what we like to call in our Christian life, a lot. Their last season, you have to convince them that you're there because you love them. You just want to be there and that opens up, that takes down that wall many times. I will have a conversation with family members as if I was [part of] the family. They get to love me in that way because it's just about the end of life for that family member and it's how they go out. That's so important to me."

"W live with people who rerun their lives. I was with someone two days ago. I walked into her room and she was staring into the ceiling. She said, I'm looking at my life at a million miles an hour. What happens when we come to this end? They resolve, they come to peace with what's coming."

How do we as adult children help to resolve issues? John says, "Well, we start by listening. I know that's hard sometimes as we get older. But you know what happens is, as we get older, the role responsibilities tend to change. We tend to be in the parent role... You almost have to be silent. They are going to desire to download, tell everybody the truth, tell everybody they love that they care. Or maybe there was some friction. I've seen families get together at the end of life when they couldn't get along during life, because it's time. It's kind of like you're packing your bags [for a trip] and you make sure you put your toothbrush in there at the end, make sure everything's in there, all inclusive. And that's what many people do when they come to the end."

Learn more about John Wenderlein:
* Remember Me: End of Life as Seen through the Eyes of a Hospice Chaplain https://www.amazon.com/Remember-Me-through-Hospice-Chaplain/dp/B0CGL5V4KZ
* Delayed Honor https://www.amazon.com/Delayed-Honor-John-Kirn-Wenderlein/dp/B0CTXB6M22
* John's website: https://www.remembermejw.com/

Hear more:
* End of life podcasts at Answers for Elders: https://answersforelders.com/tag/end-of-life/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/
Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks: https://alzheimersspeaks.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hospice chaplain John Wenderlein joins Suzanne to talk about learning how to have the conversations to say goodbye to our loved ones at the end of their lives.

There's often a denial process with family members. John says, "Even though a doctor has told you six months, mother and dad are getting ready to pass. So there's a big fight. I don't mean a physical fight or a verbal fight, I mean an emotional struggle, and it doesn't happen so much with the patient because many times they've been sick for a while, it happens with the family. One of our struggles in the hospice business is to get all that paperwork correct, and [families] just don't want to hear it.

"My role is a role people are a little confused about. You have the doctor, you have a nurse, you have a worker... But when the chaplain walks through the door, it becomes real. It becomes real for the family, it becomes real for the patient. So, as a chaplain, I have to be careful how I initially meet them. My job is to keep the spiritual strength up and keep the conversation as light as possible.

"Many of the medical questions are answered by the nurses, are answered by our literature. We hand out literature that says these are the signs. Don't be confused if your mother or father seems to be getting better before they get worse. Don't be surprised if there's changes in the skin — touch, texture or skin color. And of course, with memory and things like that, don't be surprised that he or she's going to have those moments and talk about that vacation 20 years ago."

Learn more about John Wenderlein:
* Remember Me: End of Life as Seen through the Eyes of a Hospice Chaplain https://www.amazon.com/Remember-Me-through-Hospice-Chaplain/dp/B0CGL5V4KZ
* Delayed Honor https://www.amazon.com/Delayed-Honor-John-Kirn-Wenderlein/dp/B0CTXB6M22
* John's website: https://www.remembermejw.com/

Hear more:
* End of life podcasts at Answers for Elders: https://answersforelders.com/tag/end-of-life/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/
Check out our affiliate podcast Alzheimer’s Speaks: https://alzheimersspeaks.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Skyline Retirement resident Judy Mayotte joins Suzanne to give a tour of her apartment.

Judy says, "I just love my apartment. I've lived in refugee camps and in grass huts. So I'm living in the lap of luxury here. But I also have lived for a number of years in condominiums. I lost a leg in Sudan, in the war zone there, and couldn't manipulate a lawn mower or things like that, so I'm used to living in condos and apartments. So it was not difficult for me to move here. I have one of the smallest apartments here at Skyline. t's a one bedroom, most people and particularly couples will get larger ones. But I have never been happier than I am right here in this little apartment. It's just wonderful."

Learn more:
* Skyline: https://skylineseattle.org/
* More senior living podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/category/discover-senior-living/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Judy Mayotte has been living independently at Skyline Retirement in downtown Seattle for six years. Judy joins Suzanne to talk about how she decided to move into a Life Care Community.

What led her to move here? Judy explains, "I had come back from living a number of years in South Africa, and I bought a condo. Because I lost my leg in the war zone in Southern Sudan a number of years ago, I knew that probably at some point I would need some kind of care. So I bought one that had three bedrooms so that I could have a caregiver. And then I realized it's really going to be lonely if I'm the only one here, because when you live in a condo, everybody's going out. And I thought I'd be home alone, and that made me think, why don't I look at some of these life care places? And I moved back to Seattle. I had taught at Seattle University for a period of time. and fell in love with the city and the state. And so I wanted to live here.

"My husband died almost 50 years ago, I've been alone for a long time and worked overseas. And I decided that I wanted to come to a place like Skyline, because mainly I wanted community. For many people moving into a place where a lot of people live together, that can be really difficult if they've lived in their home for 45 or 50 years. They've accumulated everything, they have memories there ,they raised their children there, they have their garden, they have so much, but also they need more care. And I think the transition for someone that has lived long in a place is more difficult than it is for a nomad like me."

"There are so many fitness opportunities for us, as far as classes are concerned. There's the school, gym, exercise classes, stimulating talks, musical programs. I want to emphasize that a place like Skyline, we have built such a fine community here, it is an inclusive community rather than exclusive community of people. You have all these people with incredible life experiences that you're eating dinner with, you're sharing a movie with, or having in for a cocktail before dinner. And you can be with people as much as you want to be, or you can be alone as much as you want to be. Keep active and keep your mind active, and we have plenty of opportunities to do that here. 

"We have the Skyline Residents Association, and then under that umbrella are a number of committees. There's the dining committee, caring committee, fitness committee, the spiritual committee, whatever. And people really have an opportunity to engage in those committees and really get to know other members."

Learn more:
* Skyline: https://skylineseattle.org/
* More senior living podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/category/discover-senior-living/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Suzanne is joined by Judy Mayotte, an 87-year-old resident of Skyline Retirement in downtown Seattle who lives independently. This is a Life Care Community, in which they take care of seniors from independent through memory care, should they need 24-hour care later in life. You pay an upfront fee, but the quality of care can be much higher.

Judy says, "It's very, very easy to live here... We've got two towers of independent living, and we have our own apartments that have a kitchen, bedroom, living room and everything. And then there's another tower called the terraces that is attached to it. In the terraces, there is assisted living, and full care, or skilled nursing. And one of the beautiful things about that is that sometimes one partner, one spouse, will have memory care needs, and can move over to memory care, but the other person can remain in independent living, and never have to go outside to go visit and be with the person that is in memory care. They can spend the whole day over there together. They can do all sorts of things, but the other person, they'll keep the independent living and still remain on the same property. Many of us have lost our spouses, or never married. And so you have a lot of single people, you have a lot of couples, and you have several people where one lives in independent living and one lives in memory care. There are many different kinds of arrangements."

Judy adds, "My deciding factor in moving to Skyline was simply that I liked the atmosphere, the feeling of community here, the layout of the apartments, and the floor to ceiling windows that give you light."

Learn more:
* Skyline: https://skylineseattle.org/
* More senior living podcasts: https://answersforelders.com/category/discover-senior-living/

Answers for Elders is part of the Senior Resource Network: https://www.seniorresource.com/

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.