Understanding Social Anxiety: Social anxiety can hinder social interactions and is influenced by various factors. Recognizing its roots and using effective strategies can help individuals feel more comfortable and confident in social settings, ultimately leading to better connections and relationships.
Social anxiety affects how comfortable people feel in social situations, leading to feelings of nervousness and fear of judgment. It exists on a spectrum, from mild shyness to more severe forms. Understanding the root causes, like genetics and negative thinking, can help individuals manage their anxiety more effectively. Protection strategies, often used to cope, may inadvertently worsen social anxiety. Embracing a mindset of making a mediocre first impression and engaging in genuine social interactions can lead to more fulfilling connections. The journey to overcoming social anxiety involves self-exploration, scientific understanding, and practical approaches that encourage confidence in social contexts, enriching personal and romantic relationships.
Understanding Social Anxiety: Social anxiety varies from mild shyness to severe disorder, influenced by personal sensitivity and upbringing. Understanding its roots can aid in overcoming fears and improving social interactions.
Social anxiety is a common human experience where we fear being judged negatively by others, which can lead to distress and avoidance of important activities in life. This anxiety exists on a scale, from mild shyness to severe social anxiety disorder, impacting how we connect with others. Various factors contribute to social anxiety, including our natural sensitivity and upbringing, which can amplify fears of social rejection. Recognizing that we might be evolutionarily wired to be cautious in social situations can help in understanding our feelings. Individual experiences shape our specific fears, often leading to avoidance strategies. However, it's essential to know that overcoming these feelings is possible, and we can work towards improved social comfort and confidence through individualized treatment and self-awareness.
Social Anxiety Insights: Social anxiety is distinct from introversion and can affect both introverts and extroverts. It's essential to identify fears about social interactions rather than simply labeling oneself as shy or reserved.
Understanding social anxiety can be complex, as it often intertwines with personality traits like introversion and extroversion. Introverts may prefer smaller gatherings but not necessarily fear social situations. Conversely, extroverts can also experience social anxiety, leading to frustration when wanting connections but feeling held back by fear. Many people grapple with different types of social interactions, feeling safe in some settings but anxious in others. It's worth recognizing the difference between being introverted and having social anxiety, as the latter can stem from a lack of practice in social situations. Facing social anxiety requires courage, and it’s often easier to label oneself as an introvert than to confront underlying fears. Ultimately, understanding one’s own social anxieties and motivations can lead to better coping strategies and social experiences.
Understanding Social Anxiety: Social anxiety arises from overestimating scrutiny and underestimating empathy. It's important to focus on specific triggers and thoughts rather than seeking general confidence. People are often less critical than we think, and addressing the root causes of anxiety can lead to healthier social interactions.
Social anxiety stems from specific triggers and negative thought patterns. Many people overestimate how critical others will be of their flaws while underestimating their ability to handle social situations. Often, we believe others are focused on our imperfections, but in reality, they are usually too preoccupied to notice. This means that perceived flaws can seem more significant to us than they truly are. In interactions, people tend to see the whole person, including their positive traits, and are generally more empathetic than we might think. Therefore, addressing specific anxieties rather than relying on broad confidence boosts can lead to better social interactions. Understanding that others are not as judgmental as we perceive them can help reduce social anxiety and encourage more genuine connections.
Connection Dynamics: Building connections happens through curiosity and self-disclosure. Showing interest in others invites them to reciprocate, enhancing relationships. Vulnerability in sharing feelings is essential for genuine connections, especially in dating, as warmth and authenticity create attraction and deepen bonds.
Creating strong connections with others involves being genuinely curious and willing to share a bit of yourself. When you show interest in someone by asking questions and sharing personal thoughts, it encourages them to reciprocate. It’s normal to feel anxious about vulnerability, especially in dating, but being open about your feelings can foster mutual interest. Playing hard to get may seem like a safe strategy, but it can hinder connection. Relationships grow through shared experiences and mutual curiosity, which can spark feelings of attraction. This dynamic of showing warmth and interest leads to deeper understanding and meaningful bonds. So, whether making friends or dating, being open and engaged can help you build authentic connections, leading to fulfilling relationships.
Natural Connections: To build social connections effectively, aim for a relaxed approach rather than a perfect impression. Focus on being warm, curious, and authentic, allowing relationships to grow naturally over time through shared interactions.
Building social connections takes time and should not be rushed. Instead of trying to make a perfect first impression at social events, aim for a mediocre one. Focus on being warm and authentic, showing curiosity about others, and gradually revealing more about yourself. It's essential to remember that most people are not focused on your flaws as much as you think. Transform strangers into acquaintances through repeated interactions, allowing relationships to develop naturally. Aim for a balance of asking questions and sharing about yourself, which fosters connection. Stop worrying about how you’re perceived, and instead focus on the other person, making it easier to engage in conversations. Over time, as you become comfortable, genuine connections will form, leading to deeper relationships.
Overcoming Social Anxiety: Exposure therapy helps reduce social anxiety by encouraging gradual social engagement, challenging fearful beliefs, and creating a supportive social environment where connecting feels easy and natural.
Exposure therapy is an effective treatment for social anxiety as it helps individuals face their fears in a safe way. By gradually engaging in social situations, people can challenge their anxiety-provoking beliefs, discover that socializing is safe, and start to see others as potential friends rather than threats. It's important to practice social skills in low-risk environments, like casual interactions with store clerks, to build confidence. The ultimate goal is to create a comforting social environment where connecting with others feels natural and easy, allowing one to be accepted as they truly are.
Friendship First: Prioritize friendship-building to ease dating anxiety. Friends offer support during rejection, and social skills learned through friendship enhance dating potential. Valuing connections helps reduce pressure and improves confidence in social interactions.
Building a supportive community is essential for managing dating anxiety. Instead of solely searching for a romantic partner, focus on making friends first. This not only helps you develop social skills but also creates a network of support. Friends can encourage you after rejection, reminding you that it's okay not to be liked by everyone. The traits that make someone a good friend are often the same ones that make them a good partner. By practicing social interactions with less intimidating people, you can grow your confidence and social capital. Ultimately, a strong circle of friends makes it easier to navigate the dating world, lessening the fear of rejection and fostering a positive self-image.
What's Going on With Your Social Anxiety?
Recent Episodes from The Art of Manliness
5,000 Years of Sweat: Lost Workout Wisdom From the History of Physical Culture
In an age that doesn't think too much about history, you might be forgiven for thinking that a culture of exercise only emerged in the 20th century. But the idea of purposefully exercising to change one's body — what folks used to call "physical culture" — likely goes back to the very beginnings of time.
Here to unpack the origins, evolution, and future of fitness is Dr. Conor Heffernan, a Lecturer in the Sociology of Sport at Ulster University and the author of The History of Physical Culture. Today on the show, Conor takes us on a fascinating and wide-ranging tour of physical culture, from the ancient Egyptians, who made their pharaohs run around a pyramid to test their fitness to rule, to the ancient Greeks who used their gymnasiums for both bodily training and intellectual philosophizing, to modern strongmen who became proto fitness influencers, and many periods and societies in between. We discuss how training practices changed over time, where they may be going next, and the evergreen principles from past eras that we could still learn from today.
Resources Related to the Podcast
- AoM Podcast #988: Of Strength and Soul — Exploring the Philosophy of Physical Fitness
- AoM Podcast #939: What Lifting Ancient Stones Can Teach You About Being a Man
- Rogue documentaries on stone lifting in Scotland, Iceland, and Spain
- AoM Podcast #39: Eugen Sandow, Victorian Strongman
- AoM Podcast #624: The Crazy, Forgotten Story of America’s First Fitness Influencer, Bernarr MacFadden
- AoM Article: An Introduction to Indian Club Training
- AoM Video: Intro to Indian Club Training
- De Arte Gymnastica
- Johann GutsMuths
- Friedrich Ludwig Jahn
- Turnvereine gymnastic system
- The Strongman Project
Connect With Conor Heffernan
What's Going on With Your Social Anxiety?
Do you have trouble feeling comfortable when socializing? Maybe sometimes you do fine, but other times you feel nervous, shy, and awkward. Or maybe socializing always feels like a struggle. Either way, you know how frustrating and even debilitating social anxiety can be. It cannot only lead to avoiding potentially enriching experiences and a failure to make desired connections, it can sometimes be hard to understand.
So what's going on when you socially misfire?
Here to unpack that question is Thomas Smithyman, who is a clinical psychologist and the author of Dating Without Fear: Overcome Social Anxiety and Connect. Today on the show, we get into the dynamics of social anxiety in both romantic and platonic contexts. Thomas explains what defines social anxiety, how it exists on a spectrum from mild shyness to an outright disorder, and what causes it, from genetics to faulty thinking. We talk about the protection strategies people often use to avoid the pain of social judgement, and why they actually backfire. We then get into what you can do to be more socially comfortable and confident, including a key to effective flirting, why you should try to make a "mediocre first impression," and how to find your way into what Thomas calls the "warm social world."
Resources Related to the Podcast
- AoM series on overcoming shyness
- AoM Article: Introversion as an Excuse
- AoM Article: How to Overcome Phone Shyness
- Sunday Firesides: Want to Solve Your Social Problems? Get Over Your Self
Connect With Thomas Smithyman
The Life and Legacy of Louis L'Amour
With over 300 million books sold, Louis L'Amour is one of the bestselling authors of all time. All 120 of his books remain in print. But the greatest story L'Amour ever penned was his own. He spent the early part of his life traveling in a circus, working as a lumberjack and miner, circling the world as a seaman, winning over 50 fights as a professional boxer, and serving in WWII.
Today on the show, I talk about both the personal and professional aspects of Louis' life with his son, Beau L'Amour. We discuss some of Louis' adventures and the autodidactic education he gave himself by way of a voracious reading habit. We then turn to how Louis got started as a writer and how he cut his teeth writing for pulp magazines before breaking through as a Western novelist and becoming a blockbuster success in his sixties.
Resources Related to the Podcast
- Louis L'Amour works mentioned in the show:
- Education of a Wandering Man: A Memoir
- Hondo
- Yondering
- No Traveller Returns
- The Walking Drum
- Last of the Breed
- Louis L'Amour's Lost Treasures, Volume 1 and Volume 2
- "Holding Her Down" by Jack London
- AoM Article: How and Why to Become a Lifelong Learner
- AoM Article: The Libraries of Famous Men — Louis L’Amour
Connect With Beau L'Amour
The Safe, Effective Supplement That Can Improve Your Body and Brain
What if there was a supplement that could build muscle, maintain bone health, fortify the brain against cognitive decline due to age and stress, and alleviate depression, has been proven safe, and comes with almost no side effects? Well, there is such a supplement, it's been around a long time, and it isn't even expensive. It's creatine.
Here to unpack the myths, benefits, and recommended ways to use creatine is Darren Candow, a professor of exercise physiology and nutrition who supervises the Aging Muscle and Bone Health Laboratory at the University of Regina. Darren specializes in studying creatine and has published over 70 papers on the subject. Today on the show, Darren explains how a supplement often associated with bodybuilders may actually be beneficial for just about everyone — athletes and non-athletes and the young and old alike. He unpacks what creatine does in the body, and how its benefits extend beyond the body and into the brain. He offers recommendations on the formulation of creatine to use, a suggested dosage and whether it should increase with age, and how to avoid the bloating effect. He also shares what we know about creatine's safety, including its effects on the kidneys, and whether it can cause hair loss.
Resources Related to the Podcast
- AoM Article: Creatine — A Primer on Its Benefits and Use
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- AoM Podcast #585: Inflammation, Saunas, and the New Science of Depression
- AoM Podcast #852: The Brain Energy Theory of Mental Illness
- Darren's studies
Connect With Darren Candow
Is Self-Control Overrated?
Self-control, the ability to resolve a conflict between two competing desires, is frequently touted as the golden key to success. But many of the most popular ideas about self-control are actually at odds with how it really operates.
Here to unpack some of the lesser-understood and counterintuitive ideas around discipline and willpower is Michael Inzlicht, a professor of psychology who has studied the nature of self-regulation in depth. In the first part of our conversation, Michael unpacks the popular ego depletion model of willpower and how it hasn't held up to scientific scrutiny. We then turn to the surprising fact that the people who seem to exhibit a lot of self-control don't actually exercise a lot of discipline and restraint in their lives, that the achievement of goals is more a function of having virtuous desires, and what contributes to having those desires.
Resources Related to the Podcast
- Related studies:
- Perceived Mental Fatigue and Self-Control
- A Multilab Preregistered Replication of the Ego-Depletion Effect
- Everyday Temptations: An Experience Sampling Study of Desire, Conflict, and Self-Control
- New Zealand Study on Trait Self-Control
- The Moralization of Effort
- The Mundanity of Excellence
- The Identity Model of Self-Regulation
- The Effort Paradox: Effort Is Both Costly and Valued
- AoM Podcast #961: The Mundanity of Excellence
- AoM Article: Motivation Over Discipline
- AoM Article: ¿Tienes Ganas?
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Connect With Michael Inzlicht
You Were Born to Run
For decades, some researchers have argued that the notable human capacity for endurance evolved from the hunting practices of our ancestors, which produced physiological adaptations that make us uniquely well suited for running.
But this theory has always had its detractors.
As my guest explains, a new study addresses these long-standing criticisms and adds evidence that, indeed, we were all born to run.
Alex Hutchinson is a journalist who covers the science of endurance and fitness, and today on the show, he explains what those criticisms were and how this new research counters them. We talk about the role running held amongst peoples of the past, how running is not only primal but cultural and even spiritual, and why we continue to run today, even though we’re not hunting for food. And we discuss how, even if we are born to run, that doesn’t mean everyone will always enjoy running all of the time, and how to get into running if you’re someone who doesn’t feel an innate desire for it.
Resources Related to the Podcast
- Alex’s previous appearances on the AoM podcast:
- “Why You (Yes, You) Were Born to Run” by Alex Hutchinson
- “Ethnography and Ethnohistory Support the Efficiency of Hunting Through Endurance Running in Humans”
- Indian Running: Native American History and Tradition by Peter Nabokov
- The Hunting Hypothesis by Robert Ardrey
- “The Energetic Paradox of Human Running and Hominid Evolution” — 1984 paper by David Carrier
- Why We Run by Bernd Heinrich
- AoM Podcast #691: What You Can (Really) Learn About Exercise from Your Human Ancestors With Daniel Lieberman
- Born to Run by Christopher McDougall
- “Reexamining the Mythology of the Tarahumara Runners” by Alex Hutchinson
- To the Limit: The Meaning of Endurance from Mexico to the Himalayas by Michael Crawley
Connect With Alex Hutchinson
Becoming a Tech Intentional Family
In a family, a lot of the dynamics around devices and screens are reactive in nature. Kids bug for their own smartphones, parents worry they'll be left out without one, and without weighing the pros and cons, give in to their kids' requests. Parents let children have a ton of screen time because it lets the parents do what they want; then, they reach a moment where they feel disturbed about how much time their kids are on screens, berate their children for this habit, which they've facilitated, and vow that things are going to abruptly turn around.
Rather than basing your policies about kids and screens on mood, fear, and impulse, it would be better to do so based on reason and reflection. Emily Cherkin has some ideas on how to get there. Emily is a former teacher, a screentime consultant who helps parents and educators balance the role of devices in kids' lives, and the author of The Screentime Solution: A Judgment-Free Guide to Becoming a Tech-Intentional Family. Today on the show, Emily unpacks the state of screentime amongst kids today, how the "displacement hypothesis" explains how its impact extends beyond a decline in mental health, and why parents give their kids smartphones even when they're not sure it's good for them. We then turn to how families can become more tech intentional, and how that starts with parents taking a look at their own behavior. We discuss why putting parental controls on devices isn't the ultimate solution, why a better one is based on your relationship with your kids, why you need to live your digital life out loud, and some considerations to think through before getting your kid their first smartphone.
Resources Related to the Podcast
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- The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt
- The Light Phone
Connect With Emily Cherkin
10 Philosophy-Inspired Challenges for Becoming a Better and Happier Man
Although they may call it different things and approach its attainment in different ways, many of the world’s religions and philosophies have a similar goal: achieving a life of virtue, peace, and flourishing.
In his new book, Seriously Happy, Ben Aldrige explains how anyone can use the wisdom of ancient traditions to improve themselves and live the Good life. Today on the show, Ben offers a thumbnail sketch of Buddhism, Cynicism, Taoism, Stoicism, Epicureanism, and Aristotelianism, along with practices and challenges inspired by these philosophies, including walking a banana, listening to a music performance without music, and taking a Wu Wei adventure, that you can use to put ancient wisdom into action and become a better and happier man.
Resources Related to the Podcast
- Ben’s previous appearance on the AoM podcast: Episode #640 — Weird and Wonderful Ways to Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
- AoM Podcast #148: Trying Not to Try
- Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment by Robert Wright
- John Cage’s 4’33”
- Albert Ellis’ Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
Connect With Ben Aldridge
How to Win Friends and Influence People in the 21st Century
Note: This is a rebroadcast.
Over the last year, my 12-year-old son has been doing one challenge every week as a rite of passage and chance to earn a special trip. Some of these challenges have involved reading a book in a week, and the most recent book we gave him to read was How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. His review? He said it was the best book he's read so far.
So a book written almost 90 years ago can still be a favorite of a kid in the 21st century. Talk about some staying power.
The advice in How to Win Friends & Influence People, and Dale Carnegie's other classic, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, is timeless. But to help introduce it to a new audience, my guest, Joe Hart, has recently co-authored the book Take Command, which synthesizes, updates, and adds to the principles of Carnegie's two perennial bestsellers. Joe is the President and CEO of Dale Carnegie & Associates, which continues Carnegie's work in the present day, and we begin our conversation with some background on the guy who kicked off this work back in 1936. We then talk about what principles we can take from How to Stop Worrying and Start Living on developing a positive mindset. From there, we talk about the big overarching principle of How to Win Friends & Influence People, and how you can use it to improve your relationships. We end our conversation with advice on how to live life with more intentionality and meaning.
Resources Related to the Episode
- How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
- How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie
- The Dale Carnegie Website, with links to the Take Command book page and the Dale Carnegie Course
- AoM Article: The 8 Best Vintage Self-Improvement Books
- AoM Podcast #818: The Philosophy of Self-Improvement
- AoM Podcast #457: Leadership Lessons With Craig Groeschel
- AoM Podcast #527: The Journey to the Second Half of Life With Richard Rohr
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Connect With Joe Hart
It's Never Too Late to Achieve Your Dream, Receive Recognition, or Make Your Mark
As you get older, you can start to feel like you'll never achieve your dream or receive recognition for your contributions to a field, or that your best work is behind you.
Mo Rocca has compiled stories that demonstrate that you shouldn't give up hope, and that no matter your age, the best may yet be to come.
Mo is a humorist, journalist, and the co-author of Roctogenarians: Late in Life Debuts, Comebacks, and Triumphs. Today on the show, Mo shares the stories and lessons of entrepreneurs, artists, actors, and more who achieved greatness or adulation in their twilight years or had a new spurt of creativity when they thought the well had run dry, including KFC founder Colonel Sanders, the artist Matisse, a couple of guys who didn't receive their first war wounds until they were old enough to qualify for the senior citizen discount at Denny's, and even a virile 90-year-old tortoise.
Resources Related to the Podcast
- AoM Podcast #849: Live Life in Crescendo
- Samuel Whittemore
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- Frank Lloyd Wright's Guggenheim Museum
- Henri Matisse's The Swimming Pool
- Documentary about Tyrus Wong
- Mr. Pickles the Tortoise
Connect With Mo Rocca
