This is a global player original podcast. Be warned, it's Luanna, and this podcast contains belches. That was my Christmas turkey bag. There it is. Happy Boxing Day, bitches. Don't eat the turkey, though, love. Who's making bubble and squeak? Not me, because guess what? I'm in Dubai, and I'm being fed by a nice restaurant. I am totally in for the bubble and squeak. Bloody love it with a bit of picklele. Anyway, this podcast contains honest, upfront opinions, rants, bants, general explicit content.
You know you love it in Happy Boxing Day. Happy Boxing Day. Do we know why it's called Boxing Day? Yes, because that's when everybody was boxing up all their gifts. Is that why? I think so. Do you just make that up? No, I think that's why I heard it. In Ireland, it's called St. Stephen's Day, I think.
Boxing Day is named after the tradition of giving gifts in boxes to servants, trains people and the poor.
I know it's about some boxes and boxing presence and stuff. So is that because they would have all worked on Christmas day? Maybe. And then on Boxing Day, like the rich people are giving the gifts, so that's what it's called. Oh, that sort of philanthropic day for the needy. I knew it was to do with boxing gifts. They didn't like the shit gifts. Yeah, that's exactly it. So Boxing Day is shit gift day. This is shit gift day. Wow.
There it is. There we go. Well, this is Thursday. It is one of the totally extra, of course, we keep going, guys, bringing you the Boxing Day vibes. Now, let's see what you got. OK, some extra rants, confessions, the stories. Now, we're still waiting for some of our festive stories to come in, but we're going to get a little kickstart on it today, won't we? Yeah. Let's crack on with a message from Carol. Nice festive name. Hi, lovely ladies. Me and my friend are cleaners, and we work in this big posh house every week.
Anyway, the owners go... Anyway, when the owners go out, the gardener tends to pop him for a chat. Paul, she says. He always takes a liking to chatting to my friend while I just carry on, and I just listen in. He'd have us stand in there chatting for hours if he could. Anyway, on this occasion, he starts telling us about his dog.
with extreme, extreme Anna, smegma. It's an extreme smegma issue. It's so bad that he says he has to put a nappy on him. That's ridiculous.
So it's a napy on him every evening. That's dog abuse. So as well, I was in stitches with my back turned. How my friend contained herself is beyond me. Then he was saying he has to clean his dog's cock daily. Well, at this point, I was blue, a 60 year old bloke talking about his dog's cock in his smack mouth. Oh, I hate this. I mean, what could even get him into that conversation and to the cleaners of all people, maybe he thought you're cleaners. You can help.
We do try and avoid a little chance, but this one had us creasing. On another note, a little anecdote about my bedroom is happening. I hadn't had a chance to change the sheets since the previous night's antics. My son, he was then about five or six years old, shut down the stairs. Mom, you need to stop drinking milk upstairs.
What on earth could you mean? So I go up and he's pointing at the white stain on our bed sheet. Oh no. Mum, you're spilling your milk when you drink him first. Oh, the shame. Oh dear. So I just agreed. Yes, darling. I should stop drinking milk upstairs, shouldn't I? My partner, listening on the conversation, was an absolute hysteric. Luckily, no more was said by my son about the milk drinking. Oh dear. Mum, he's been drinking milk darling, but it's not that kind of milk.
Thanks for the pog girls. I simply can't do my evening cleaning and cooking without listening to you guys with some motivation. Lots of love and all that jazz. All that jazz. Thank you lovely voice note ramp from Victoria.
Hi, girls. Live incoming round from the Waitrose car park. I've just listened to your totally extra. And I just want to say, mainly do you know, stop censoring you easy. Let the woman say fucking. I'm assuming that is what you're saying. Because that's what I hear in my head every time the bleep happens. You never know. You never know. Please stop.
Bleeping it out. Yes, you talk about shit. And literally have just talked about, talked about a man licking any in a soul out of someone's asshole. And I'm pretty sure we can all say fucking shit now.
Maybe it's a legal thing. I don't know, but I don't like it. Anyway, no need to keep me anonymous. My name is Victoria from Wiltshire. And I love you girls. Thank you so much for all of the hilariousness. And also, just want to add, I mean, there are loads of things I could run about. Seriously, there's going to be about 20 minutes long. But fuck, set up a mat. No way. He's definitely the fat controller. He is the fat controller in our household. Fuck, set up a mat.
I mean, there's a lot of F-bombs in here too. A lot of F and C-bombs. I have always bleeped the C-words. I think it actually sounds funnier. I love a bleep. It sounds funny. I'm here for the bleep. So the bleeping will continue. I don't have to, but I like it.
Oh, honestly, I think it sounds funny. Well, if you like it, you do it, yeah. It just adds, it honestly, I said it last week for someone's story. And I just think it adds to the extraness of, I think it's quite funny. Right, shit gift now from anonymous, so vanilla. Christmas greetings, ladies. Oh, I have a shit gift for you. Here we go. So many years ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. That's very mean disease, though.
In the earlier stages of her disease, she was behaving oddly, swearing when she never used to, stealing things. I mean, Alzheimer's isn't funny, but there are funny elements that come with Alzheimer's. And I know this because my own, yeah, yeah, little Greek Frieda had Alzheimer's. She had Alzheimer's. And there were, you've got to see the light in the shade, right? Well, I suppose sometimes you do when it's such a horrible situation. And there's some funny shit that these old people do, and they go Alzheimer's, don't we tell you?
Well, so she was swearing, she used to steal things giving me pocket money twice, haha. Well, she took advantage of her generosity. When she came to our house for Christmas Day, and I set up our old early naughties camcorder on the shelf to record the room for the day in the hope of capturing funny moments,
We had noticed and went hiding up that we couldn't find our napkins. So I thought I'd check the footage to see where they'd gone. And lo and behold, there was grandma in a corner covertly stealing all of the gravy-covered napkins and stuffing them on her handbag. I mean, I just can't bless a little heart. We all thought this was hilarious. Yes, the disease is bad, but in these moments you have just got to laugh. While the laughing stopped when I received these napkins for my following birthday,
I think Ravi Stains included. I just smiled and said, thank you. And I really needed new napkins. Oh, that's so cute. She stole them, and gave them back, and gifted them back. She did awesome. Bless a little heart. She passed away a few years after this, and it's by far our favourite memory. We love to talk about our Ravi Stains napkin theme in Granny.
I'm so cute. That's so sweet. I really like that story. Keep me anonymous just for the more sensitive members of the family who don't think, think, think, think, don't find these things funny. No, you've got to laugh. I think you have when it's, when, yeah, exactly through the.
We've got another message from Alicia. She says, hey, ladies, I've been listening for a while now and it's safe to say, I just can't get enough. I have even got my boyfriend listening too. I have a shit gift for you. And as it's Christmas, this may come as it's, oh, she sent this in the lead up. So she might give us an update after Christmas. They listen in for that the next few weeks.
Cecil Impeeps. I turned 24 in August and I had a lovely day planned with my parents' boyfriend and his parents, a day at Newmarket Racers, which is a place very special to me as I lived and worked there until three years ago. I love Newmarket as a very special place. I was given lovely gifts in the morning by my boyfriend and his parents, so the day started off great.
We plan to meet my parents in Gregg's for a cheeky bacon roll before hitting the race course. They arrived, my mum carrying a gift bag and placing it on the table in front of me. However, before I could even open the bag myself and my mum done the honours. A card, candle and a small black box. I took the bag off my mum and started to open one by one. First the card, then the candle and then.
the little black box. I opened it and saw a pair of earrings. Great, I thought. I needed a new pair until I looked closer and discovered these earrings were covered in dirt, makeup, dead skin and ear wax. I was horrified and I quickly packed them away and thanked my parents for the lovely gifts and carried on the day. Later on that day, my mum kept asking me whether I liked the expensive earrings she got me.
But if this was my mum, I'd be like mum. But all I kept thinking about was, where did she get them? Did they dig up in? Dig up an old pair, she no longer wanted. Or were they from the hotel she works at? Stop. To this day, I still have no idea. She doesn't know. I'd need to find out. Well, she can't be that close to her mum, can she? Maybe not.
I've given her no ideas for my Christmas presents just to keep up the surprise. Keep doing what you do, ladies. You have as infants of laughter. Alicia, from Northrop. You've got to ask her, mate. Alicia, please, for the sake of us. We need this update. Yeah, oh, she just said she was going to give us an update. Just wear the scrubby earrings. Yeah. Just, we need to know. Wow. Thanks for that, mate. Keep the shit gifts coming, you guys. Next is a voice note rant from Anonymous, so you do. Good morning, ladies. Live rant incoming. Why, oh, why? Do they not pop paw rings on tuna chunks?
You know, it's the last thing I want to be getting my tin opener out for, jiggling it around as I'm opening it up in a round in a circle, getting all fish juice all over my hands. Nice little pool ring, open it up in the bowl, done. No, fish fingers for me.
Yeah, I hate cheetah, but do you know what I get the pouring ones? Yeah, but I buy I think it's even the fridge packs and that's just a foil lid with no juice. Oh, yeah, well I get the no drain. Yeah, the no drain And I'm sure it's got a foil thing and you just peel it back because I'm I get the ick I Bloody love a can of tuna a little chewy or tuna sandwich absolutely winning. Absolutely rank at
It's delicious. It's a no from it. It gives me the biggest egg. Oh, do you know what? I was in the co-op the other day. And the guy was serving it, the till it was quite busy. And like, where his till was, it was filth. He had like cans on it. Like where he'd obviously in cup of soup or something, or his mouth. It was actually making me feel sick. And he looked a bit ruddy, looking bless him. He was only a young lad, but looked a little bit like he
One that doesn't wash their hands after a week. He just does that type of thing. Yeah. PlayStation till four in the morning doesn't wash his hands. It was a whole ick going on. And I was like, can you move these marks? Because it actually is making me feel sick. It was making me feel sick. And I was like, should I just help you? And I shoved it all to the side for him.
Because halfway through doing my shopping, he spilled a bloody can of something all over the tail. Oh, it was filled. You'd have to keep good hygiene and a tail. But where's the manager of the car? You'd have to clean like guys. Yeah. No, no, no filthy tail. You saw your tiller. You are your shop window. Yeah, exactly. It's disgusting. Well, there we are.
Message from anonymous, so Tony. Secret sibling bum finger. And he's done a little peach in a finger emoji. Okay, here we go. Hello, Luanimo. Brother, sister, submission here. Oh, joint. Please keep us a nod. We have no idea what section it should go in, but have it anyway. Because we think it's hilarious. I'm a recently new man, Fanny, and my sister has been a long time listener, and recently told me about the paramedic, who lost his proudest, as a great story, his prized pen in an elderly lady's butt crack.
I was laughing hysterically and thought, let's give this Louanna a go. I'm so glad I did. Oh, welcome. Thank you. You might think as a gay man and a young lady that we are a respectable, prim and proper pair of siblings. Yes. Absolutely not. We've always loved to prank each other in horrible ways, and this has continued well into our late 20s together. We're a ride or diaper and truly our best of friends with an incredibly close relationship. Here's a funny, somewhat gross short story for you that always has us laughing when we talk about it.
There my sister was in her bedroom on her bed doing her nails with her at-home kit. As a good brother should, I show my admiration of her bodged job nails and tell her how fabulous they look. Shortly after this, she comes trotting into my bedroom with such a pure troking, pure confusion on her face. I ask, what's wrong? She tells me that she thinks her nail kit has made her fingers smell funny. I take a good sniff of her finger and agree they smell pretty weird, but nothing to be over alarmed about, or if she returns to her bedroom.
I spot a perfect opportunity and take it. I run off to my sister shouting, oh my God, my finger smells funny too. Look at the curiosity and excitement that I also might have an equally smelly finger is upon her. She grabs my hand and has a good inhale of my finger. She then realises her terrible mistake. Unbeknownst to her, I just had a quick scratch in between my bunches. Not quite the bum hole, but just close enough for some tang. We've all been there.
The top of that butt crack, you know, that's enough juice there, guys. Running into her bedroom, I proudly presented my secret bum finger to her for inspection. When the pure horror on her face, as she realized, that's us! Still makes us both laugh to this day. Don't fret, she definitely got some form of equal level sibling revenge on me, but that's a story for another day. Love the pond and all that.
We'd love to see if other Lufanias have other funny sibling stories to share as well. Oh, I love that story. Oh, God, the shit you did to your sibling. Literally. I always used to like go on the top of the stairs and do like the crow. You know when you put your elbows inside your knee and then you sort of go up onto your hands. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I do that at the top of the stairs and rock back and forth and make myself fall down the stairs to get my brother in trouble. Oh, my God. That is really bad.
I know. Yeah, my brothers and I, even now, we're in our forties and we literally live for pranking each other. I think it's definitely a brother sister thing, as opposed to like a sister sister. And I got two of them, which is why I had a fight hard to keep my own, you know, I really did. Right, we've got a voice note next on Mononos called you Geraldine.
Hi, Amanda. I do not want to give my name, but this is a really funny story that you reminded me of because you were talking about Fanny Christ. So I had something horrific happen once, which is many, many years ago. But basically, I went to go to the bathroom, poured my knickers down, and basically passed out screaming.
I'm not a skank, but my funny, I guess, go fucking disgusting. And I had dried and I got stuck to my, like, lit skin and it ripped off my lit skin. I don't even know how it happened. It was so painful.
Um, but then the worst thing was it kept healing, but then it would like heal to my niggas every time my niggas off it would rip again. Oh, baby, this is pseudo-crown. It was the worst injury, but it was so very funny. Um, yeah, I mean, my sister loved about that.
Okay, bye. I mean, thank you, darling. She's an Aussie for sure. She did. She needed some labia to protect that clay. She did. You needed a lot of cream on us, we need to keep that lube. She needed like something, something. She should have got her labia, pulled it together and put a butterfly stitch to close the vouch. Yeah, yeah. Bless her little color. I've got such an image now. She has such a sweet little innocent lady. Oh, so cute.
Bless her. Truly funny and though. Right, we've got a Petty Polynex from Annie. She says, hello, new listener here. Recently started listening to your podcast in the last month and I must say I'm obsessed. Oh, thank you. I listened to the pod on the school run when doing housework and sometimes even at the gym. Wow. God, I couldn't imagine being my gym motivation. No.
I finally have something I would love to share on the pod. Listening to all the petty wives comments, I've got to add mine in. A little bit of background story. Me and my husband have two children. Our youngest is known as the destroyer and has only recently stopped breastfeeding for just under a year. I have been the sole person that gets up at night and I've only had two to three hours sleep at best due to constantly breastfeeding. Well, bloody done you.
It's just so hard to stay. It is, but well done. But since he has stopped breastfeeding, I've gladly put the role onto my husband without him knowing when it's 1, 2, 3am and I start hearing him cry. My husband wakes up and says my name over and over. I just ignore and pretend I'm asleep. So he has to get up and love to see him. I'm living for this.
It's been about two months now, and he still thinks I don't wake up to our son. I wonder how long this will go on for. 18 years darling. I'm not going to hide who I am. I have friends who listen to this pod and will laugh when they hear this. I'm Annie and I'm from Bista. Yes, well you've done your due, Annie. You're owed some sleep. In fact, I would be purchasing some earplugs. Do you know what I do sometimes? When Elle wakes up in the night sometimes, which is where both my kids are pretty asleep, so thank God. But when they do, I say something.
This is my little confession. I say to her, if you do wake in the night.
Oh, Daddy. So then when she does, Daddy, because he jumps out of bed for her. Daddy, I'm like, that's a good girl. Mine don't wake up in the night. I'm not, yeah. It's very rare. I'm so lucky, but they are seven and eight now. I mean, come on. But yeah, mine are those days. You know at the weekend, I just didn't, I didn't have a nanny here. Andrew wasn't here. I gave an other day off and I didn't come downstairs to online. They didn't hear anything from any of the kids.
Do you know what? Mine did. Darren was destroyed. Yeah, yeah. But not dangerously, just fun. Oh my God, I'm sorry, you're just right. We are kids, right? Why does every dude go and sing? So this weekend is, I'm not going to lie, me and the A-dog had a slight hangover. We've been out with friends. We were fine. But we were fine. Yeah, you must be joking. We were like, I want to sleep in. And the kids had come in at like, I don't know, seven. And we were like, oh, give us an hour. Give us an hour.
Then we didn't hear anything else. And I didn't realize that Enza would then go L up. He'd pulled her little blind up. He turned her night light off. He'd got her downstairs. And I then came downstairs at quarter past eight thinking, why are they so quiet? It's really worrying me. And I was like looking around to put the scene together. There was in the utility room, which is off the ground. I could see a sashay of cat food, which was empty. He goes, I fed the cat. And L was sitting there with her cereal on her lap.
They'd got themselves breccy and they were watching blueing when we do Christmas tree lights on. They both had rugs on their lap. She had a cereal. He'd got his like mama ice cake and the cat was fed. Very, very capable of our children and we don't give them enough credit because we modded cuddle too much and that's why there was no home points for that. I was like, good boy, two home points. Home points? Yeah, I just made that up.
They get house points in school, but I give them home points. Now, we do do home points. I might do home points. And they get home points deductive for bad behavior, being mean to each other, not toe in the line, insolence, back chatting, that gets taken off. You've got up to 19 home points at the weekend. Then he got five reduced because he hit his sister and said, then they can earn them back. He said, it's very good. And then at the end, we have to get to 50 home points to get a prize.
Well, there you go. It's quite good to do the pasta jar. Pasta jar. Try home points. If they're into house, but mine are really into house points at the moment. Try home points. It works. Genius. Genius mum tip there. Mum hack. Right, we've got a voice note round from Katie.
Life on a stone man, in common. And the first time I'm, it's my baby's first Christmas. Oh. Why do you told companies not bloody pot toys in normal shaped boxes? I have just tried to wrap a bloody push along draft. Yeah, that's bad. Honestly, it's just me to the back.
It looked like a drop before. I don't even know what it looks like now. It is the stupidest shape to present ever. Honestly, why can't they just make them a normal shape? Just pop a bit of box at least instead of be trained to work out the size that I need for the wrapping paper and I'm trying to wrap it and then it's a little bit too small so I have to do half a day. Honestly,
It really is stressing me out. I do love that. I've gotten over 20 odd years of this. I'm serious. I don't know where you get care after year one. Get out. Let me keep me in on this. My name's Katie. First I want to be my baby boy. He was in love with my soul. Oh, yes. And we've got no idea. I just I'm so warmed up. Honestly, it's if you're right.
I can't feel on this phone for 20 years. Seriously. You won't, honey. You won't. You won't. Katie, he's got no idea what's going to make. Just don't bother wrapping it up. I wouldn't even give him any presents. Actually, my kids didn't get any presents on their first Christmas. Honestly, they don't know. Don't throw it. Have a wine. Have a wine. Have a relax. Have a wine and a cheese straw, babes. You'd be fine. Right. What I do is very cute.
A confession is now, I've never told anyone this but first up, hey ladies, tis the season and all, so I went to see my niece's nativity this week. Nothing gets me crying more than a tivity girls. The confession part that I would never tell anyone apart from you because I'm clearly a bitch.
is that it was shite, and I hate nativity's. My niece was playing the back end of the donkey. She didn't even get the whole donkey. She didn't get the whole end. She didn't get the whole end. The back end of the donkey. And that tells you everything that you need to know. Songs were off-key, off-tempo, off everything. Joseph spewed halfway through the show. The narrator was clearly a smarmy little brown noser. He had a very slappable face, and top it all off.
They ran out of mulled wine before it even started. So I had to witness it all sober. Bar Humbug, best confession ever. Quite frankly, spoken from many a family member. I mean, I'll be honest with you. There is no way on earth that I would go to anyone that was other than my own flesh and blood child out of my vaginativity.
Oh, yeah. Indeed is actually really good. And I've got Clemmies coming up. Mine was soul warming. I mean, honestly, I've even spent 18 quid on the school DVD link. Oh, wow. So there we are. It's expensive and nice. All right, next up, confession. Hello, Anna Moon. Hello, Anna Moon. No, Anna Moon. I fucking love you, girls, and this podcast. Oh, thank you. I have a bit of a confession and need to stay anonymous for obvious reasons.
It's a little bit long, so settle in here. I am a very happily married woman and my partner is sexy as fuck, but I do fantasize about being sexually ravaged by other people a lot. I will see a guy in a bar and imagine him following me to the loo and shagging me over the sink. Or when walking my dog, I'll see someone attractive and try to manifest them slamming me against the tree and give me a dirty scene too.
I want, I need some of her drive. She's got the motor. I think I just love the thought of being fucked and fucked by a complete stranger who just doesn't name my name and I never have to see again. It really turns me on. Sometimes I'm with my partner and these thoughts take over. Although my partner is very sexy and our sex life is great. We're quite vanilla compared to my imagination.
Am I a terrible person? What do other women do this to? I mean, I can honestly tell you as a dating relationships coach that fantasising is very, very, well, and normal. Yes. We all, you know, have that. Just because we fantasise it as well doesn't mean we want
Yeah, it doesn't mean you want to act on that. And it's often, you know, lots of people feel really, like, come to me, go, I'm really worried because I keep fantasizing about the fair, but I don't want one. And often it's just the little, yeah, it's a little kink, and I wouldn't worry too much about those fantasies. Maybe you and your partner want to look into some sort of, I don't know, swinging if he's up for it, if you're really fancy it. Doesn't sound like they're going to go from vanilla to swinging. Well, if not, I would say enjoy those fantasies. Well, I think maybe we'll play.
a bit of rugby. But those people do that whole when you go on a date with your partner and you just meet in the bar. One of my friends did say to me, actually, I thought this was great. She's really happily married. And often when they go out for a date night, she says that sometimes she'll just go, they're in a little cocktail in the bar or something. She'll go to the loo, then she'll come back and then she'll just open his hand and she'll put her sexy knickers in his hand and she'll go, that's for later. So he has to sit there knowing that
is missing a sit in there with no knickknacks on. Do you know what we should do? And it drives them wild. We should get some of those love eggs. We should shove them up, have magic. And then through dinner, give it to our hubbies and be like, give them the control. Andrew, go like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Why should you do a nice, silly-bish? Take them out first. Yeah, I mean, I don't know how well I go down for me. But I think it's great that couples do that to spice things up. I like a bit. So your fantasies are perfectly fine. I say that, then I'm sorry.
Anyway, listen, that is it. It's Mary fucking Christmas. Happy Boxing Day, guys. It's the end now. We've had Christmas, we've had Boxing Day now. Welcome to the gooch. Welcome to the gooch. Welcome to the gooch. Welcome to the gooch. The bit between Christmas and New Year. Yes. The vortex. Yes.
So during the vortex, listen to us. Send in your story. Yes. Send in all the Christmas golf. I'm sure you'll be having some stuff. I mean, we're creeping up to you in New Year now, guys. You know, we have, of course, got our New Year's episode for you. But we want to hear everything from you. I email address, as always, is luanna at everythingluanna.com.
or you can WhatsApp us 077 45 2 66 97 and also in this Christmas gooch if you are up to date why don't you go back again to some of our OG episodes a seven years nearly of Luanna six and a half go and listen to some old episodes as well I'll get someone to listen to us just if you fancy I don't know peppering your day up a little bit with more Luanna and guys have a great boxing day much love Mary festive crimbo Mary Luanna Christmas
