This is a proud hodcast. The only reason I didn't want to be bullied at school was my fear of what would happen to the bully. The main thing that stopped me getting bullied and befriending the bullies was I knew my dad would kill anyone that touched me and go to prison.
Hi, I'm Joe Marla. And I am Tom Fordyce. And this is Things People Do. Some people do amazing things on this show. We meet zookeepers, politicians, astronauts. And some people who do other things like recruitment. Cheesemakers. Drainage engineers. Because everyone is interesting if you ask the right questions.
See, I used to hate people, but this podcast has changed me, and now I can't get enough of people. And the weird and wonderful things they do. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ravens have mud kids for Doritos. Oh, they love Doritos. You spent two years planning the world's hottest corner and then forgot something to cook it on. It's been telling my boys that it's not appropriate to use that word, and Kim has just used it in the appropriate context, and it's shocked me.
This is a live episode of Things People Did. Brought to you by Punk IPA. This is where we ask comedians and celebrities all about the jobs they used to do before they hit the big time. We're at the Club and Grand and our guest today is podcaster, author and one of my favourite comedians, it's Russell Kane.
to not rebel was to smoke weed over the park, get a shit job, go to prison. That was normal. And I FaceTime my mate Lee and his breath was coming out as the answer. And as it connected, he just went, fuck off and cut me off, why? Hello. Oh fuck me, James Haskell, I love you. Welcome to Things People Did. Please, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for an unbelievable comedian in Russell Caine.
Oh, fuck, you're in. Russell. Yes. Welcome. Thank you. To things people did. This isn't actually, you might not know this, isn't the first time we've met. I'm told you this, Eva Tom. I met you at a party that I was invited to, and I don't know how I got invited to, it was a mistake. I think they were meant to invite James Haskell. But it was Jonathan Ross' Halloween party.
That's the one I've been building up to that invite for years, and then he stopped doing it next year. Hang on a minute. Suit wasn't you? It might not have been. No, no. Were you dressed as Oasis? Yeah, that was me. A whole of Oasis. No. There's only two of them. My wife was an old Gallagher and I was Liam Gallagher. Yes, and we actually had a conversation.
I've been off my tits because I do not recall that. You wouldn't have always dressed as a really scary clown. We dressed as Hagrid, just famous himself.
I meant to be on my side, fuckers. You might know you wouldn't have remembered, but I did have a six for eight Jafar. Right. Man, next to me. Ollie Cohn, a friend of mine. I'll be honest, I was extremely drunk that night. Oh, okay. It was in the last couple of months where I was getting extremely drunk.
So in this business, you can either be sort of on the inside and hanging out, or show busy and hanging out with them, or you can be me. My friends and my mates from home, I've been on these, my cousins, my WhatsApp group, the newest friend on there I met when I was 16 on my WhatsApp. Don't get me wrong, I'll go out for a beer after this or whatever, I'm not allowed just to be clear.
But it's just it's just because it's such a mad world. My way of staying grounded is to keep my friends, my original people. It's not like an unfriendly thing. But the price you pay is you don't get invited to the show busy. So for years I've been waiting for that text from John if I've finally got it. And now he doesn't do the bloody parties anymore.
Gutted. We've got invited to Jimmy Carr's one, that year. That really is the inner sanctum of showbiz. And Lindsay drunk too much, as my miss is. She's from Manchester. And y'all, Sally can wait. I will look back in anger, fuck off.
She got so drunk, and I don't know if I should do it, but you know, like, because obviously because I don't do the show B's thing, I'm still like, oh my god, I've still got that. I'm not used to being around famous people really, because it's quite solitary stand-up. I'll do the chat shows and all that, but because it's such a work environment, you're expecting to see someone. So we turned up, we fucked up twice at this Jimmy Car Pie. We turned up first. It's my first year to be invited to Jimmy Car's posh, and it was so awkward, like so over-egan, it really looks like. It's such a pair of knobs.
And then people started turning up the way beyond, you know, like people from the House of Lords, you know, like Robert Winston is a Louis Faroo, there's all these, oh my God, I've been panicking, and Lindsay was getting more and more pissed.
And she just says, every time Rita Ora turned up, looking amazing. And every time Rita Ora stood up, my wife went, oh, fucking hell. I'm like, loudly. I was like, Lindsay, I heard that. I said, why? She's fucking feeling me. Women should be with our eyes, with our Lindsay, if they stop being fucking drunk. Never been invited back, funnily enough. She threw up out of the window on the way home.
Never been invited back. Jimmy can't head wobble. Oh, brilliant. And see, you've come all the way down from Wim... Wim... Wim... Wim's like... Wilmsler. Wilmsler. Yeah, just... Yeah, I'm on a... I'm on a four-day... I've got... I'm on the road for four-day. This was my day off. I've got the phone call last minute. I don't know who got fucking food poisoning. I just assumed it was Greg Wallace because I got called about three days ago. I genuinely thought I was filling in with my base, my buttery biscuit base humour. You kind of...
Joe, would you like to explain the concepts of the show for people who may not be aware? This is things people did. It's a spin-off of things people do. We get comedians and celebrities in to talk about all the things they did before they made it famous. That's the best I've ever done. Ryan just said that in my ear. Thank you for the feedback.
Maybe say that out loud. Now, that's the shittiest thing I've ever done, because I've said it out loud. The sabotage. Anyway, that's for Russell mainly to understand what he is. But fuck me, what a list of jobs we've got here. So, let's get started with a frozen food delivery service. Is that what it says on the tin?
on the bag. So I live with my nan for a while. My dad was so racist. I moved out. I couldn't take it anymore.
Honestly, my dad, me and my dad were like from different fucking, listen, a lot, it's weird in it, you love your parents, but we just had nothing in common, bless him. We never had a pint in the pub. He was rugby player, Essex County, changed the name, played rugby union for years. White Lifter,
Steroid injecting fucking tray of eggs chicken breast blonde curly air six-foot tall fucking shit house Especially made sure to his neck and he got me for a son. Could you might I quite like dance and movement dad? So we were we were on different planets didn't really matter when I was a little boy I just did what I was told but then when I started to sort of
Wake up, that is the right word. You shouldn't be scared of the word woe, you're just the opposite of a sleep. And I started to think, hang on a second, something like that shit ain't right. And I started seeing a girl, and my dad wouldn't let this girl in the house. And I went, but I paid fucking 200 quid a month to live here, I'm working, and you ain't got fucking shit, this is my ass. That's what he was like, a geezer. BMP manifesto in one hand, pop a dom in the other, right?
I'll tell you what's wrong with this country, yeah, more mint sauce, please, that dog. There's too many. It was one of them. So I just said to my dad, I'm going to move out tonight, and he was like, yeah, fucking whatever. So I had this day job, and I was doing the frozen food delivery in the evening. And that night, I packed a bag, went across the park, and I moved and moved my nan. My mum's mum, who's with the total opposite. Shit mum didn't mother any of the children. They were all brought up by aunties, and that's just an alcoholic mess.
but she was a live in the dressing gown, hair standing on in, fuck society, be different, break the rules. So to a teenager, which I was at the time, 18, 19, it's weird because where I'm from to not rebel was to smoke weed over the park, get a shit job and go to prison. That was normal.
So to rebel was to be posh or like dancing or to like books as to how you could stand out. No one did it because you get your head kicked in. But my nan sort of, in color, God, it's fucking weird. She encouraged him. Dance for me, fucking dance. Exactly, basically, yeah. She was a proper alcoholic. I'm talking vodka at 7 a.m. asleep after Countdown type thing. But it was what I needed at that stage in my life. And she was married to Ken, who I called Grandad, husband number six.
And Ken had worked for this company called Iceman, E-I-S-M-A-N. It still exists in Germany. And you used to have to go door to door. Normally we'd pick roads with little old ladies and go, we'd do frozen food delivered to your door. I'm going to drop the catalogue off. I would try and close the order a few days later. We'd send the forms off. I wasn't involved in the delivery of the food. I was the delivering of the catalogue to close. The salesman.
The selling the selling the subscription sir because everyone's heard of Iceland and they were all fucking about 90 You mean Iceland and one of me and my mate Daniel just permanently fucking high on weed and found everything hilarious
Oh, how we've changed. And of course, one of the products, it's all translated from Germans, everything just sounds filthy, it's like Philippa's fish fingers and shit like that, or one of the products was called Bobby's Balls, and they fucking old ladies kept ordering them. I'd have some Bobby's Balls, please, dear, and then I'd get in trouble with Granddad Ken.
He was so arthritic and rheumatoid and fucked up. He had a stent at the back of his head for his diabetes, a literal bike and used to drive with his
Just these wrists on a road. It's anyone from Enfield and I'm Enfield. North London, there's a road called the Crooked Miles. Fucking deadly. You have four beams coming at you. And we'd stop off and sell in all these side roads. And as the four beams hit, I'll never forget it. My grandmother would go, ah, fuck me gently. Trying to... Fuck me gently. Honestly.
But I've sold my whole life. I've sold frozen food. I've sold this. I've sold that. And then, of course, managed to get out of the ends, get to university, blended all that with English literature, and then stand up is essentially selling an idea to an audience. We use it, making it look like it's the first time you've told it, using your charisma to get them on board and laugh. All this shit I learned selling Bobby's balls, it was proper wax on, wax off. So I don't know how to be a comedian.
Yes, I fucking do. Where did I learn that? Oh yeah, selling Bobby's balls in Enfield. Bang, I was off. Sweet, sweet the leg, normal, that's sick.
So I'm getting a sense that Russell is a superb salesman. You are impossible for anyone to break. So I'd like to see a situation near Russell. If you don't mind, we're going to step back in time. You're selling for Iceman and you've knocked on the door of John Marlar. Let's go. Chicken breasts. Look, you've knocked, where's the knock? Oh, yeah, sorry. I just assumed you had a ring doorbell. You see me coming.
Hello, the handle's on the other side, mate. Hello. Oh, fuck me, James Haskell, I love you.
It's fucking mental. Did you do it like this? Did you tee that up backstage? Did you? Yeah, I'll do this one. I'll put some tea on it. And then you snare it like that. As I walk up, you pass it back to me like that. Yeah. I fucking shove your chicken breasts up your arse.
Hang on, I want to delve into a little bit of your knowledge of frozen food. Is frozen food good for you? Well, I mean, you're drawing on this protein here. What? What? The way you said that is you're going to consume it frozen. No, I always do.
Oh, you can. Come chicken lollies, delicious. Oh, I'm shitting liquid. That could be handy at times as well. I fuck off. I'm in. When you freeze some ink, does it keep?
Does it keep good? No, no. That wasn't at the slogan for Iceman. It keeps good. When frozen, it keep good. That was right. No, I see how it's going to go. It's probably going to be a nutritionist or a doctor that will please shout out if I'm talking shit. But some things are actually better off if you freeze them close to when they're slaughtered or harvested because they lose so much goodness on the journey. So if this fresh bit of broccoli is a bad example because frozen broccoli is minging.
But if you get like a fresh bit of chicken breast and then wait five days before you cook it, maybe if you'd fluck frozen it a day after it probably would retain more nutrients, would be my instinct. Sounds convincing. Yeah, it's quite convincing, I'll buy it. Can I have those chicken breasts? What do you do on them? Well, we're doing a two for one at the moment. Brilliant. Yeah, so. How much are those berries balls? Bobby's balls. Sorry. Bobby's balls are the vegans ones. Right.
I'll take them. This episode is brought to you by Punk IPA. So it's been a couple of months since you announced your retirement. How have you been finding it? Any major discoveries with your newfound freedom? You know, it's funny you ask, Tom, I finally discovered craft beer. And I can have one whenever I like.
Oh, tell me more, Joe. Any good ones you'd recommend? Well, just one. To be honest, Tom, I started off with an absolute classic from one of the UK's finest breweries, punk IPA, of course. But that's where the journey ended. It was so nice, and I just went and ordered a load more of the same. Right. You mean to tell me, Joe, that since retirement, you have solely been drinking punk IPA.
Mate, punk IPA is the OG of Brew Dogs' many excellent beers, Tom. It's iconic. If I want a top quality IPA, why would I look anywhere else? For 18 years, punk IPA has been setting the standard for craft beer in the UK. I've got some catching up to do. That's a good point, Joe. Punk is the one that started it all. It sort of suits you as well, actually. Punk being a bit of a disruptor and all that. Exactly, Tom.
Hang on. What's that meant to me? Never mind. Joe, I've been thinking, what were the six nations on and you no longer playing? You and I could go down, watch a little bit of rugby together, at a brew dog bar. You, me, couple of punk IPAs. What could be better?
Well, we'll see, Tom. That does sound ideal, but I might have got a bit carried away and ordered a few pallets of punk to my house, which need drinking first. Haven't told Daisy yet, actually. I think they're arriving today. Listen, a problem judge has come as usual, shall I? Deal.
If you want the perfect pint for the Six Nations this spring, then look no further than Brewdog Punk IPA. Brewdog are offering 12 cans of Punk IPA for 15 pounds, including delivery, just for things people do listeners. Go and click on the link in the episode description now. It says down here Russell, it says that you were a daughter door vacuum cleaner. That must have started.
Yes. Give him that one. It's pretty good, isn't it? I need, can we just stop now? Let's all leave and go to the pub. Oh, no. That's not a cheer you won at the beginning of. That was all of us, crushed air, all three of us. At the biggest response, we've had the idea of this finishing early.
So you were door-to-door vacuum cleaner. So that salesperson. So my old man just wouldn't tolerate the idea of signing on. You weren't allowed to sign on nothing like that.
This timeline was just before the frozen food, but it was the same sort of year I was just sort of coping with my old man's shit at this point. I didn't want to work, I just wanted to get fucked up over the park. At this point I hadn't realised there was any other option other than getting off your tits by the dog-ship bin.
No, it was Albany Park in Ennfield. It literally became the number one stab capital of London, the number one stab postcode. It's the only thing we've ever won.
And in Enfield, which is already rough, there is the roughest vehicle, Brimsdown. That's where I was living. People haven't even heard of it. Brian Sewell, the art critic, he described it as a brown place. That's just featureless mud. So there was not much going on. So my dad was, I thought, what can I get away with doing? I don't have to do much. And I thought, I could just drive around in my car.
And I had this vacuum cleaner in the back. And it was a bit of a black really, it was so I didn't have to work too much. And I was selling this vacuum cleaner called a Fotherk, V-O-R-W-E-R-K. Now they make a device now for anyone's middle class in the audience called a ThermaMix, which posh people might own.
How do it is the thermo mix? It's so fucking bollocks, isn't it? What does this... Hang on, we've got the love heart side from Israel. What does this thermo mix do? Does everything, Joe? Have you got one? Have you got one? Yeah, yeah.
Everything from soups to ice cream. What? Is it possible? That is impossible. Because they're both different temperatures. Yes, they are. It's really, really clear. Anyway, for whatever they make is always like totally German and amazing and advanced. And you can imagine how good their vacuum cleaners were. So I drove to this place in Holliston and have a shit hole you haven't heard of. I collected my kit, which was the for the cleaner. And then I would go, you had a list of contacts that you would phone.
Because I was so young, my stick was, hello, my name's Russell, I'm only 18, and it was normally females' answer. I went, do you mind if I come over to your house and do some housework while you watch? That was my stick. It's come across a big, big wall of sea, but I was a young man at the side.
And it worked, of course. It got a laugh. The older the female, the more they laughed and the easier it was to get. And then once I was in there demonstrating this machine, you would make a few sales. But I didn't make that. That wasn't very good at it. Was that your favourite type of hoover? What's my favourite type of hoover? No, it was that your favourite. And then my second question is, what is your favourite type of hoover? Well, I mean, if we're going to talk vacuum technology, I think Dyson changed the game with his bagless cylinders. So... The battery doesn't last that long. I find it really annoying, do you?
What do you mean? Yes, the battery. They're battery-sized. I've got a robot. I've got a robot hoover now, one of those Roomba things. Oh, have you? Sorry, Russell. You've got a robot hoover. I have, yeah. Have you? Yeah. Have you? Anyone else got a robot hoover? Anyone else? Anyone else got a robot hoover? The reason he's asking is Russell. On a landmark birthday last year, Joe very generously gifted me a top-end robot vacuum cleaner, which I left on the train to Wilmslow.
I'm on the way home. That's fuck it, that is... You just had to hunt the cleanest carriage and you found it. Was it a rumour? My one's got the mop attack. Has anyone got one of these? A mop. It detects dirt and a little finger and lowers the mop and scrubs the dirt and then carries on vacuuming. It's the nuts. I mean, I don't know. I didn't have my long enough to find out.
But yeah, it was great. It was all right, but because I wasn't yet, once I moved in with my nan and I realised, oh shit, I could go to university. I've got 17 cousins. It's a big old postcode full of lots of wrongwins and gangs and knives and drugs. I've got cousins in prison and all that. I thought, imagine if I was the only person to go to university and study English and learn about Jane Austen and Shakespeare and all that bollocks. No one had done it.
And selling became more important to me once I had something to sell for my nana. I wish my nana had lived, obviously she didn't live to old age because she was an absolute fucking weed-smoking vodka-swilling nutter.
I wish she'd lived to stick. When I was about 10 or 11 she used to come over. I learned all of my swearing from my nan. When you're 10 or 11 you think, well I know the basics is fuck gunship, but I didn't realise I could conjugate them. And once I heard her conjugate the seaward in the present participle, I couldn't believe it. She went fetch my counting slippers and I was like, whoa!
Conting. I was over the park. You could put ing on the engine. You could put ing on the engine.
And I split up with this girl, because I'm straight, it's hard to believe I am, and I split up with this girl, and I was on the, you remember that break up when you're like 17, 18, 19, and you feel like you're gonna die from the heartbreak? You're a lad as well, you've been brought up working class, you don't realize you can cry like an eight-year-old that's grazed their knee, but that first time you fucking get dumped when you're 17, you know that fridge slide.
with a double string. No one can fix me. My nan came over, pissed off her tits. It was about three in the afternoon. She just had a fag on. She just got my chin and went, fuck her dirty knickers. And I was fixed. I like that. Fixed. Look at the sensory unit go up in Russell's name.
All the other cardigan wearing bollocks that people had tried to say to me, you know, life's an adventure. Tried to learn from this, but none of it worked. But when she did that, I laughed and I was fine the next day. Fuck! Straight back out into Vajganistan. Sorry, hang on. You're not writing Vajganistan down, are you?
People don't understand about working class men. I know that because women write to me because my shows are funny. I don't know if anyone's ever seen me live. I do go to deeper places.
And there's women all write to me about men anywhere between sort of our age and downwards going, how do I reach my man? Because we've got all these adverts on, just check in with your guy. You know, men's mental health is important. You have a biscuit, put the kettle on. But most working class men are like, there's no fucking way that it's going to work. You're never going to get in with a biscuit and a cup of tea. That's what middle class people who are emotionally literate say. But when you use the chisel of a bit of humour, you can reach
Men, you know, heaven forbid we split up with our partners and we were at a low point. You're probably wanting, I don't want yourself to death, you loser. I have another point. Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. Then maybe by the end of the night, a bit of a cry, a bit of a kibab, a chat. I don't know. But that's what my nan knew instinctively.
Listeners, he's writing it up. Sorry, I just got a couple of mates that might be going through that and that I think would be a really good idiot. Just don't wake yourself to death. I know this is like...
You want me to be funny, but men are, I'm not suggesting women out of it easy, but men are seven times more likely to kill themselves. The most likely cause of death of any man in this room is not heart attack, it's not testicular cancer, it's suicide because someone couldn't reach him.
to talk seriously about whatever's going on. And with men, it's mostly, it ain't breakup, it's status. It's these fucking phones. Oh, there's my mate. He lives in Miami. He's got a detached house. I'm a fucking failure. They're the men we need to reach. And the way working class men can reach each other is, like, go into the pub or hanging out or fucking doing a weekend in Ibiza together. And just at the moment, when you're not talking about what you're talking about, you talk about it. Trust me. That's how you get here.
It is incredible, incredibly powerful, but also incredible how we've gone from Vadjistan, straight to being. So men in the room, that is how our women keep asking, that's how our brains work. It's a pump with a pipe and a stick on the end. All our feelings are in that fucking chew. Good luck. I mean, I don't really know how to...
I don't really know how to follow that up. I was going to try and follow it up with some Hoover facts. Do you know why it's called the Hoover?
Well, that's a brand name, isn't it? Hoover. No. It is. Not on my piece of paper, is it? OK. We'll go with your facts, see if you've sold them. Well, a vacuum cleaner is the machine, but Hoover is a brand. Yeah, you're right. Hoover. The Hoover brand of vacuums was invented by William Henry Hoover.
Isn't he related to the politicians? It's funny you should say that Russell, because it was his son, who was also responsible for naming the Hoover Dam, because the Hoover Dam used to be called... Anyone know the answer to this? The Dyson Bridge. No, I like your term. It was called the Boulder Dam.
and they renamed it the Hoover Dam because they helped with the clean up of the building of it. I love it when you leave your notes and start to improvise. I wonder if the listeners can tell at what point that happens. It's because the notes are actually quite tricky because all I've got down is Hoover Dam.
William Henry Hoover, Boulder, helped with the clear up. And that's more or less how you said it.
So I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. And I think it's then important to maybe move swiftly onto your next job, which again is selling, and there's a big selling theme here, but this is a more posh, high-end selling of, I've never understood how to say this word. Is it Rolex or Rolex? Rolex. It is Rolex. And you have to do it like that. You have to go Rolex. Well, it's just simply not Rolex.
That's a different word. OK, that's that's fair. Restful, Tom, that is fair. But how do you spell roll? R O double L. Right. So if I put E X on the end of roll, you got what do you say? Roll X, because you've got two L's in the middle. Yeah.
So Rolex has one L. OK. Yeah. Well, hang on. You think vehicle reversing. Yeah, you think. OK. All right. Fair enough. You think you got real on that one. OK. Here's one. Go on. So if we would play a role in a play. Yeah.
Oh, uh, I'm the... I'm the goat tonight. The goats? What plane features a goat? Erm, Narnia. He was the... Tomnus. Tomnus. I would... He's a boy. How to terrify children Joe Marla playing Mr. Tomnus? Just let me get my hooves on children. He's dead, are you? I'd do it as a fucking tell, though, weren't they? It's fine. Yeah, fuck. It's very right. Get in a walk to have your little cannons.
So if I was to play that role, that spell R-O-L-E. Correct, roll. Yeah, and if I put an X on the end of roll, you get roll X. You are indeed right.
That is one point to you. So right, how did you move from movers to watches then gone? Well, the swatches as well. So by now, so now I'm living with get the timeline. I'm living with Manan. I'm doing OK on the frozen food. Poor old Granddad Ken, God rest his soul. He didn't last very much longer after that. So it's me and Manan, the dream team.
And I've said to my dad, I wanted to go to uni, and he went, you will get no money out of me. If you want to do it, you pay for it yourself. That's the way I was raised. That's what you're going to do. And to be fair to my old man, he's stuck to that. In my whole three, me, I clawed my way up from a council estate. And in all those three years, he gave me a fiver once.
And it sounds harsh, but I'm so fucking financially independent and good at making money now. You won't believe it. So I know it's a bit full-on, but he did like, what was the five or four? I went halfway through my degree. I went up to dinner at my mum and dad's house one night. He had the four buckle, the four stellar head wobble. You know when your dad said, did that?
And he, my dad very rarely would say, I love you. And that night he went, I thought he was going to say, I love you. And he's pulled this fiver out his pocket, you would get a cab on boy. Just treat yourself. I could not believe it. And he went, you know, I never tell you about. And then he went.
I never fucking hit you, did I? And that's what he said. Which is true. He went, I never fucking hit you. And I went, yeah, thanks dad, thank you. And then he went, do you know why? And I thought, here it comes. I've been waiting all these years. He went, do you know why? And I went, why, dad? He went, because if I started, I wouldn't have stopped. How lovely. Just the theory would have murdered me, restrained him.
I realised I need to save up a lot of money quickly and I'm good at selling so I looked for a job vacancy and I got a job at Watches of Switzerland on Bond Street initially in their general showroom but when they saw I was such a gobshire and I could walk these watches out the door I got promoted to working in the specialist Rolex show which is the job everyone wanted because Rolex is the easiest watch to sell
and the cheapest, the least expensive, remember your training, Russell. The least expensive, even back then, was about two grand. I mean, now an air king, which is the entry-level watch, it's gonna cost you eight grand, not that you can get a new air king with a green dial as a weight in this forum. So, I was on nine grand a year, but 1% commission, 1%. And now and again, you would get
Christ. And now we'll have a short interval while we reset Joe. I just saw a light go off. No, that was your brain doing maths. No, no, someone waved at me up there. 800. 800 quid per watch. If you saw, yeah, but that's if you're selling an 80, you are.
That would be 10% of 8 grand. But if you're selling an 80 grand watch, you're going to get 100 weird. Did you know that 8% of... No, no, that's not it. Did you know that 25% of 100 is... Surely he's going to get this one right. No, no, I've forgotten it.
I found some sort of mathematician, I'll come back to you. Carry on with the Rolex. Sometimes I was making 14 quid per sale, but what would happen at the end of the summer holidays, and this was just before the Euro came in. It shows how long I was working there.
rich Saudi Arabian tourists. And when they toured Europe, they would go all the way around and they would finish in England because Heathrow flies to everywhere. They'd have all this currency and they would finish it with a walk. So I'd have, in the back room, I would be showing this couple. I sold a 42-gram watch to one lady and this is like 1999-2000.
So I knew I needed to save up 10 grand in 18 months to be able to afford to go to uni. I didn't have any qualifications. I had no A levels, nothing. So I had to wait till I was near in my 20th birthday because once you're 21, you'd be classed as a mature student. So I wrote to the National Extensions College, which is basically for peasants like me, you can't go to college because you've got to work.
and said, can I do my reading at an A level? And we had no internet, nothing like that. Couldn't afford it. So they sent me an A level in a box, in a folder for sociology. And I've contacted my local uni. And they were like, if you get an A grade in that, we'll take care. And it was like someone just suddenly fucking plugged me in. After all these years of just being a knobbed chave over the park, someone just went,
And at the same time, I was out clubbing and all that, I met this girl, and she was from a middle-class background, and she was going to uni. So when I was staying at hers, she was waking up at university halls, like sitting on the green, reading, penguin classics, drinking cider, and I was getting on a train like an old man in my shitsuit to go and sell watches to posh people, and I thought, fuck me.
I've actually been tricked here by the accident of my birth. I'm as good as then. I'm a human being like that. And it was like, that was being bitten by a radioactive spider. Everything I learned went in. And it was sociology as well. So fucking, it really spoke to me. Class, feminism, women being treated this way, people of color. I was like, yeah, it's all fucking invisible structures. Fuck everyone. Learn it. I had to sit the exam as an external student on a little separate table with some geyser watching me, make sure I didn't cheat.
And I got the fastest A grade from Enrollment and the highest grade that year, and I went to the House of Commons and Betty Boothroyd, who was the speaker, gave me an award, and I went straight into that fucking degree off the back of that. That's how I got there. And I got first for my degree as well, because I couldn't stop. Once I was plugged in, I was like, he was like, Bradley Cooper, limitless. It was fucking weird, man. I've never, ever been good at school.
Just average, Mr. Brian, at primary school, top of the class. As soon as you get into secondary school, if you're in my counsellor's state. Wait a minute. How'd you get top of the class in primary school? By just being bright. Oh, he's so bright. He's the brightest kid in the class. Look at his homework. It's the best homework. It's on the wall. He learns his spelling. He learns his math. Did you do your own homework? Primary school, yeah. Look at it. Does anyone else that does their kids' homework for us?
Yeah, you do, yes. Is that play on? Because they get reports back saying, oh, you need to work on your reading. Yeah, exactly. When you've done it. Yeah, that's what I mean. 25% of 100. Give me a week.
Yeah, so I'll come back to you on that one. So that's why I sold all those Rolexes, because I knew I couldn't get my head around. What would it be like to not have an alarm, to wake up at midday and pounce about going, oh, you're going to learn about English and to do an essay and have six weeks of in the summer? I couldn't believe that some kids lived their life like that, and I wasn't allowed to just because I was some child from nowhere, and I thought, I'm going to fucking do that for three years.
you and when I did it. You've moved into that, but did you ever go back to your roots a little bit and mug anyone off in terms of flogging them a watch? Did you say actually this is 70 grand? You pocket 30 and it's actually 40. What do you only eat?
Did I ever do any crimes, you mean? No, no, no, it's not crime because of double jeopardy. You can't get done, like Robert Harrison Ford taught me that. But you said, if you've already committed the crime and done the time for it, you can't then get done again. You haven't done any time. Exactly. That's not the same, so you can't. That's a single jeopardy. Well, now I've taken that legal advice. Let me confess to everything I've ever done. It's illegal.
Did you have, you couldn't even move the spelling of the word Rolex, that alone my innocence?
Joe, watches are a massive thing with certain footballers. They love splashing some cash on a flashy watch. What is the case with rugby players? Any rugby players got flash watches? I don't know. I've got no interest in watches whatsoever. I've never got it. Never understood putting it on your wrist apart from to read the time. Do you know what I mean? But do you like cars or do you not bother by cars either?
I like them that they can drive me places. So you've got a long word coming. Are utilitarian attitudes towards machines? I've got a utility room. And if you were trying to trick me, I wouldn't know what that means.
Fuck you. So I've got a bit of an addiction to trainers, actually. So I do know that. Sneakers, right? Yeah. I could be cynical and say, it's a shoe. It walks you from A to B. Don't get it. It's like, how I talk? Yeah. Fucking how I talk worse than you.
Do I say that? I won't be using this to teach English as a foreign language, but in that way just. I did get a watch, I did go, oh fuck it, I'll buy one then. And it was on the, after the 2017 line store, they did a special bramon. Yeah, I love those bramon. And where they made 51 of these special like thing, you know, there's only 51, like there's only, they're like, yeah, there's 51.
And I went, okay, so there's no more than that. They were like, yeah, how many times do we have to tell you there's only 51 of these in existence? And I went, how much is it? And they were like, and I went, do I have to pay that? And they were like, and I went, all right then. Were you buying us a horse? I paid loans for it. And it's just sat in the cupboard the entire time. I've never worn it.
It's a British brand but Swiss built so it's got this British heritage. They've got one watch and it's got an actual bit of original paper in it that Stephen Hawking wrote his original theories on and they've cut this paper up and done like 50 different ones with little bits of like to print outs of Stephen Hawking but type it out and it's printed out on a sheet and then they've got the first print outs of his theories which he fucking dictated using his
one working limb, and they put this bit of paper into this machine, it's certified and fucking, they go, there's a good brand, I like it. The way in which you've spoken about watches, I've really changed my mind. Radicalised, yeah. Well, a little bit. Now, the level of detail that's gone into them and the appreciation levels for it, I think I'm going to get into watches.
We've got the job down here for you Russell in your eclectic past. This one is credit checker. I think we probably need you an explanation of what exactly a credit checker does. Why do we need credit checks? What's the fuck it? What is a credit check? It makes sure that you're able to pay back the loan that you were taking out. Well, I don't want to take a loan. Well, you'll be fine then. You want you to credit check.
I actually got sacked from the first one because there's two parts of a credit check. You get you on the phone and I want to borrow 10 grand and I'll go, right, please hold the line. And then I would have to call different services to make sure you were who you said you were. You're a postal address checked out. So when I was speaking not to the customer but to these other services, I was finishing the call saying,
because I was into gym carry at the time. I was finishing the call going, all righty then, and hanging up, right? And my supervisor came over to me and went, I know you're not saying it to the customer, but you still can't say, all righty then, to experience. And I said back, all righty then, I won't do it again. And he sacked me on the spot for saying, all righty then to him. Fuck you, sacked for saying, all righty then.
And then my friend got me a job doing it again. But yeah, so that was that. My dad's maybe allergic to that he was like, you fucking never take out a long do this, do that. My dad's favorite thing in the world, Dave Kane, the knuckle dragon, Silverback, his favorite thing was an all-inclusive band so that you know where you stand at the beginning of the holiday.
And he used to say to me in my brother James, we don't leave this resort till we're in profit. That was his petal. To make sure that we eat as much as fuck you in my brother would be like, I'm allergic to lobster. Epi-pen, continue. And it was about extreme.
I'll say for my dad he was a miserable fucker who died before his time because he didn't sort his head out. But he was taught me about getting the value from whether it's tonight, whether it's my takeaway I have afterwards at my hotel. I don't do any, I don't coast through anything. They're rinse it boy. All inclusive. I still do that, my mates.
because I'm really leading this very lucky lifestyle and I was playing Australia and they stuck me in the posh cabin on the way home and I got my mate Lisa Tyler and I knew it was 6am back home so I got myself on the flatbed complimentary champagne for takeoff in my fucking club suite and I faced time my mate Lee and his breath was coming out as he answered and as it connected he just went fuck off and cut me off
I love how we've asked all these different questions and then they always end up going back to some sort of poignant philosophical point. Thank you. And it's great, but it also puts me on top in a bit of an awkward situation with a follow-up question of, so like,
What is the credit score output? Is it like zero to ten thousand? Is zero to a thousand? Zero to ten. If you get your Experian file, it goes up to a thousand. So thousands good. Thousands perfect credits for you.
Is there any, can you get a perfect credit skill? How do you get a bad credit skill? If you miss, say you like change banks and you miss a mortgage payment by accident or something, that's really bad. Or if you know when you move out or a parking ticket gets you accidentally get CCJ'd on a parking ticket, things like that can affect your credit score. See you. County Court judgment.
On a parking, I get loads of parking tickets. Every time I record this podcast, I forget to do the parking and I get a parking ticket. But as long as you pay it. What do you mean pay it? As long as you pay it. Well, I haven't paid it. That's why I got the parking ticket.
No, no afterwards. If you pay the fine in a timely fashion, you'll be alright. So that doesn't affect my credit score, but I'll get fine. If I don't pay a court summons, and then you pay it, that court summons might, depending on the company in the context, might affect your credit score. Also, if you date a Roman, like I have many, and she or he has got a crap credit score, and they move into your GAF, your credit score can be affected, because they're all their credentials and all their,
Male is going to where you live and that will leach into your credit score as well.
Yeah, if you get cancelled, like, for too many Greg Wallace jokes. I know, yeah. Like, you're going to need this, I reckon. It could happen to anyone of us. It literally could. Do you know what I think will be, can those that don't do something in the moment and get cancelled? You'll be cancelled for in the future.
Something you've already done that isn't offensive right now, but becomes offensive down the line. That's the danger in the business I'm in. Not doing something that is creepy and you know it's wrong, but just making fun of vegans tonight would be funny. But in 50 years, they can't shout out, they don't have the energy.
I just want to say that that was Russell Cain that said those words. No one on the things people do podcasts endorse what he says about vegans and this is for now and for the all of time. Do you know what's funny about that? I do find funny is when someone's whole identity is being vegan. Because you'll be sat with people that have
You know when you've sat with people that have really complex or cool identity, you'll be like, what's your story? I come from Sudan, I don't know where my parents are, I live in London and I work as a barrister, that's a fucking identity right there. Me, I'm a fucking peasant from a council estate, I should be inside or dead, but I'm a stand-up. What's your identity? I like tofu, fuck off.
Again, their words are said out loud by Russell Fainley. Sorry, on to the CV, for I cancel myself, but I really miss your face. I think we just checked one thing on this round, so it was okay with you. You'll see your personal statement there straight back out into... Can we just check the spelling on Vadistan, please? I know, Joe, you're not too down. Yeah, Vadistan is not unhappy with that.
That's what I called being single because I was so awful at it. Some men just seem so able to be, have you noticed girls? They're just good at being sick. I was just fucking pathetic, needy, fell in love with someone who won the first date. If only we'd have been friends early, I could have thought you'd ever think I know. But men...
I think women realised quite a lot earlier, about 10 years before men. Oh shit, I better get my shit together on 28 with a man could easily be 51 living in a studio flat, wanking into a sock and go, I think I've lost my way here.
This has been fantastic. I love the CV. No, fuck the CV. You don't need the CV. No, I don't, clearly. Do I have a copy of that? I didn't get to read it properly. We'll print one off for you. Yeah, definitely. What are you doing now, though? I don't mean right now, because I knew you were going to come back with right now. What are you doing now for yourself?
So the stand-up tour finishes in December next year and it's the biggest one I've ever done. It started in February. I know I could be cynical and just do 20 dates in really big rooms. I've not got anything against the comics that do the arenas. It's just for my style.
I'd really like to talk to people, like make it feel like I am talking to you. So I don't like to go beyond three or four thousand seats. That's my comfort zone. So it does take a little longer to get around, but I love it. I love it. So I'm doing that till December next year.
Obviously, I'm doing my usual radio telling and all that shit. But my main series I work on is for Radio 4 called Evil Genius BBC. You can get it on BBC Sound, download it as a podcast. And we take people from history, could be Gandhi, could be Diego Maradona, could be the Queen Boudica from the medieval times. We have a debate like we're doing, like a funny discussion.
And I just drop horrible facts about these legends and then at the end my panel have to vote evil or genius. That takes up a lot of time because I've to study a lot for it. Have you done Mother Teresa? Yes. And you're responsible for dropping horrible facts about her?
Well, obviously the advantage of having a fact checker who works at a BBC is everything's fact check to death, so people don't like the things that I get out of these envelopes and reveal, but they're all, they aren't true, I could ruin most idols for you. So hang on, Mother Teresa was an idol of mine. Are you serious? Yeah, and is that why you're wearing a habit tonight?
I did wonder why these dresses are fucking none. But the thing that, the only slight schedule, I was speaking to a producer before the reason I'm so naked is,
I put this in and thought, well, that works. I know I'll get my corporate work. I know my TV and radio will come in. I never could have anticipated being asked to write a kid's book. And I certainly could have anticipated anyone giving a shit or it's selling. But it has. I've written a non-fiction book for seven to 11 year olds called Pet Selector. It was supposed to be a funny cat and dog breed guide. That's all it is. You can read it as story time to your kids or you can actually use it to try and find the best pet. Please read home and adopt first.
And it's just fucking flying off the shelf, so I'm doing a school tour. And the problem with that is, I'm on stage 9 a.m., making seven-year-olds laugh, and then sort of being driven across towns to get a cut of ours kit before making the grown-ups laugh, so that it's been full-on. Do you ever like mugs out the two? No.
Well, actually, there's one story I tell the kids that I will tell. It's about my dad. And now he was always negative and would always say the wrong thing. He could only see small men with me and my brother. He couldn't see kids. We were just little gazers. And I'll never forget, my brother was about four and I was seven and my brother had a kitten.
For his birthday a few months before, we were opening our Christmas presents, and the kitten chewed through the Christmas tree wires, and there was an egg, and the kitten ran out from the cat flap and just disappeared to the bottom of the garden. And my brother just looked to my dad, you know the way babies do is only about three or four, for reassurance. And my dad went with, they always run off to die, always. I'll tell that to the kids, and I'll tell that to adults as well.
Russell, you have been absolutely fucking unbelievable. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for coming on. It's an honor to me. As I say, my dad, rugby has been such a massive part of my life, not against my will. So... Same. It is a bit of an honour. Thank you, both of you, for inviting me on. If we ever got food poisoning, then cancel at the last minute. Thank God for that. We'll pass on the best wishes to Greg. It's my heart and heart.
Guys, give a big round of applause for Ryan Cowell. Thank you.
My God, he was a tornado in a half. He was one and a half tornadoes. Almost two. He was two tornadoes. He was a tornado, a hurricane, and a water spout. A water spout. That's the ones I've bought. What a lovely compliment. Hey, Russell, you're such a water spout. Fucks a matter with you. Anyway, he was great, loved him, started out as one of my favourite comedians, finished as one of my favourite comedians.
I agree, Joe, 100%. And it is very important that we give a big shout out to Brewdog and particularly Punk IPA who proudly sponsored this episode due to all my hard work. Yeah, well played, Joe. Brewdog do have an exclusive offer of 15 pounds for 12 cans of Punk IPA with free delivery exclusively for things people do listeners. Get on that. The link is in the episode description. Love it. See you next time. See you next time.
This podcast is part of the Sports Social Podcast Network.
