Hey, everybody. John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredients to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to The Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts.
I've just been riding my bike. It's been pretty sweet. Riding my bike in New York is amazing, too, because you ride it on the West Side bike path. I pass this guy and all of a sudden he went, where'd it go? Fat ass. He's like, mmm. Yeah, I'm on drugs. It's for my prostate. Do you really ride your bike around the city? Oh, it's wonderful. You're a mad man. Oh, it's wonderful. It's the greatest way to get around. All of a sudden, people think, no, that couldn't be more. No.
Have you seen the new, they have the new bikes? Because you can rent it. The city bikes, you can rent. But it's people, like, from Belgium that don't know the city and they don't have helmets, and they're just like... Yeah, they're like, okay, we're going to going out now. Here we go. And New Yorkers are going, get the f*** off that bike. But I'm... amazed.
that no one has been hurt. They're doing wonderfully. That really is this thing. It works itself out. Yeah. All of a sudden, you see them, and it's like, all of a sudden, even angels are flying behind them going, please be careful. But it's very sweet. You're right. It is basically Europeans going, how do I get downtown? Follow the numbers. The numbers get lower, OK? And then I'm wearing it for the next time you go, where are you? Brooklyn, welcome.
But you're right, no helmets. There should be a little hand that says some sort of safety device. It's a bubble wrap or something. Yeah, just like a small, just a little like, maybe a condom, something fun. But don't you think for New Yorkers, they're just thinking like, it's so hard every day not to just go like, you know what I mean? Like, well, I ride my bike in LA and that's why it really gets kind of crazy. Oh, really? I'll be riding. The weird thing is I've been living in LA now because of the show. Yeah. I don't do very well in a, I got stopped by a cop once in LA and he gave me a script instead of a ticket.
He was like, you and I hear you're here, Mr. Williams, how are you? And if you don't like this, please give it to Eddie Murphy. I'm riding a bike in LA. It's truly kind of dangerous, because you'll be in all of a sudden, they really do. Because everyone's like, you know, they're all talking, they're texting, everything. And you just have to be like, no, no, no. But you're for real, though. You don't, you take this very seriously. You've done bike tracks, like you've done, you know, two weeks going across like continents and stuff. No, no, no, I'm not that serious.
Oh, really? I thought, didn't you train with, like, the guy who won the Tour de France, Greg Lamont, or something like that, and, like, rode with him for a little bit? Yeah, rode with him one time, and I used to ride with Lance in the old age. Oh, really? Yeah. Used to ride behind the unibuller.
Did you really, you wrote with Lance Orton? I wrote with him, yeah, once or twice. But he's like, he's so good. He'd be on the phone. He's doing all this stuff. He's when his hands free. I'm like, you bastard. Right. But he tears it up. Now, what is this? You're back doing a series in LA. In LA. Well, why? It's a job, brother.
It's a job, but it was also David E. Kelly. He had a meeting with him. Well, that guy is unbelievable. He's a tremendous writer. Sweet, good man, and a wonderful guy to work with. And he's a tough laugh, though. Yeah. He doesn't laugh as much. You do something really funny, and this is all you get, and you're like, huh. Nothing. Yeah, it's like, you know, it'd be like, ahh. That's like a standing ovation for me.
But he's a great writer, and I thought, OK, I'll take a shot with you. And I go, you know. Now, is it hard for you with a guy like that? I think that's probably hard because you're not. Well, when I did Mark and Mindy years ago, it was like, well, you go back 32 years ago when I did Mark and Mindy. It was 32 years. There was tape back then. There were only three networks, and the only thing that was wired was me. I was on everything but skates, but it was crazy. I know, I know.
I know. I've read the story. Yes, I went to rehab in Wine Country just to keep my options open.
How does it feel now? Do you feel like this is the sobriety and the learning that you've done? Is it a new lease on life? Do you feel like the same person? Yeah, like, what is it? Does the brain, were you worried? I remember when I quit doing drugs and smoking. You remember that now? Yes, I do. But I remember being very fearful.
that I would lose my ability to work, to be funny or to write, that I thought that they were somehow connected. Well, I think there's a higher power. There's also a lower power. Yeah. There's a lower power that goes, text that girl and show her pictures of your junk. It's OK. Yeah. She's not going to share that with anybody.
And the same little power goes, you know, you need this. Come on now. There was a... Right. I relapsed. I was up in Alaska, and all of a sudden, I hadn't been sober for 20 years, and all of a sudden, I walked into a store and fella. So a little bottle of Jack Daniels and went, ah, that'd be fine. That'd be okay. The moment I hit the first sip, it was like... Whoa! All of a sudden, I was like, welcome back, I... A week later, I was walking down the street with, like, 10 little bottles of Jack Daniels in my pockets. I sounded like a fucking wind chime.
And I got really quick. I got down so quick. So I went right to Blackouts. And it's a misnomer. They call it Blackouts. It's not. It's like sleepwalking with activities. That's your brain going, we're going to do stuff you're not going to know.
You wake up in a small field going, where am I? Just crazy stuff. But I think that's the illusion. And I think you come through and you realize, yes, you can create better. You can get back and just come. And the main operative word is fear. And like you said, the fear is there. And you're trying to overcome it with that.
But, you know, if you can deal with the fear and then realize, you know, some of it's real, some of it isn't, and then come through that. You get deeper, boss. You get deep, deep deep. And the lifestyle is so conducive to that type because we are generally bored individuals. Totally. And we're working 40 minutes a night in Winnipeg for two straight weeks. Oh, is it? And there's... No!
Don't make them angry. They're Canadian. Let me just say this. Let me just. Let me Canada. You're the nicest country in the world. You're like a sweet apartment over a meth lab. It's really...
But it is that idea of, like, and so during the day, you don't have anything to do with yourself. And you think, like, I bet I could make a crack pipe. You know what I mean? Like, you know, it's like, hey, why don't we have a project? That's like, when does your lower voice have activities? It's got hobbies. Like, you know, I'm making a crack pipe. You send it to camp. And then see what happens. What do you do? What do you do?
How you do? I'm doing good. I miss you. I was telling you this backstage. One of the few comics, when I don't hear your comedic voice for all, I miss it. It's so funny, and I'm so glad to see you coming back with you. Hey, listen, man. I like all your politics. Thank you, Norm. I appreciate that. Now, you're Canadian. Your government has collapsed. It's completely collapsed. It has? It's completely collapsed.
Well, the good thing is, it doesn't matter at all. This is why, you know, because you're such a blue guy, and I realized when I came here, because I was never political, and it's because you're from America, and I'm from Canada, and in America, you have a duty to be political, because you vote for the wrong guy, he blows up the f***ing world, you know?
Now, in Canada, here's our elections in Canada, and go, hey, listen, how does that guy stand on the bridge building? That's every time one guy goes, I think we should build the bridge. The other guy says, I don't care for the bridge. So it's all bridge-based- We don't got no- They never gave us no red phone.
You know, you're president. I thought you were political. No, I didn't realize you had a red one. Here's the thing. You don't realize you're a president. But you're a president who has a red phone? But here's what it's come to be for in America. And you're the most trusted man in America? No, I'm not trusted. It seems like now, no matter who we vote for, no matter which guy we get, we still blow a shit out of the world. So at a certain point, maybe we just like blowing stuff up. Americans?
Well, listen, if I was present, man, I'd get on that red phone right away and blow something up. What would you blow up first? What would I blow up? Yeah. That stupid high school I went to. Empty building important. But listen, man, I'll tell you this, though. With the streets of Libya running with blood, you. OK, I'll buy your premise. Yeah.
Listen, the Egyptians are so brave, you know, and then the guys in Tripoli trying to take over in Bahrain. Here's what I'm trying to get at. I'm from Canada. We got a queen. She lives in England, right? We're so... We can't get.
Seriously, I can get a bunch of buddies of mine. I swear to God, I can get two or three dozen buddies of mine. We can go over to Buckingham Palace, take over. I would totally do that with you. It's an old bag and a castle.
You know what is the most difficult part of that? Finding which room she's in. Do you have any idea? If you go attack, there's like 130 rooms. We'd probably lose interest. Oh my god. Oh, I saw you. I mean, yeah. But you know, Qaddafi is surrounded by, what is he surrounded by? Baja Rain.
I'm guessing he's surrounded by, like, dancing girls. He's f***ing crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a nutbag. Now, he likes the ladies. That's what I heard. Did you know he had the... He has a Ukrainian nurse, who apparently is... Well, it follows you everywhere. Yeah, pretends he's a nurse, but I've heard that maybe there's a little hanky panky going, listen, I don't want a bad mouth could happen. I want to talk about what's in the computer.
Oh, let's talk about that. I'm happy to talk about that. I know that character. I love that guy. He was on Jeopardy. He crashed. He was on Jeopardy. And he crashed. You guys know Watson the computer? Sure. Sure. Yeah. So, uh, and, uh, I watched it. It was cool. And, uh, the funny thing was, like, they were like, I wonder if, uh, who's gonna win? Watson the computer? Or, uh, that guy that works down at the hat store. And, uh...
First of all, I don't think you should be called Watson, because it wasn't Watson, the guy who didn't know. He was a helper. He should be Sherlock. Yeah, Watson was like, hey, what about this? And there you go. Elementary, my idiot. So he should have been called Sherlock. But anyway, it was a good aside. So Watson naturally beat. He's a computer. Crushed him. Yeah. Killed him, you know? And even his stories were better, you know what I mean?
When Alex and Berg would say the story would go, what? And I understand you have a story about jail. You know, and then Watson was like, yes, one time Oscar Wilde was in prison, and George Bernard Shaw came to him and said, why Oscar, what are you doing in there? To which Oscar Wilde quickly retorted, why George Bernard, what are you doing out there? You know? And the guy next to him was like, God damn, I was going to tell my fucking story about the hat.
I give the guy the wrong hat that time. When does this show come on? When does this show come on here? Oh, this was the host of, it was on Comic Special. It was 24 years ago. And you looked like me back then. You were in 10 and I was about 21. You know why I have you? I keep having you back on the show to find out what I'm going to look like.
I keep, I keep bringing the oil. I brought you on right now to go. All right, that'd be fine. Better than that. I was, I could have gone to Woodstock, but it was drizzling and I stayed home. Okay? But I went to a lot of stuff when I was 16 and 17. Now if I had anybody in that mug, he could have been my son and I would have been unbelievable.
I love it. And you know what I'm going to tell you something? Sure, whatever. It's your show. That was nicer than anything my real father ever said. Here's the nicest thing everyone would have ever said to me. You like something that happened when I s*** something in the mud. No, but you would have been my son, and I would have been proud of you, but I would have asked you for one thing. Money.
Do you remember the first thing I met you at Carolines? I opened for you at Carolines when it was still at the seaport back in, like, the early 80s. It was back in the middle late 80s. Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me? First line, I'll never forget it. Yeah, you could have been my son if I f*** someone in the mud. No! The first thing Richard Lewis ever said to me in my life, and I was a huge fan and remain a huge fan, was, I have terrible diarrhea.
It was the first line you've ever said to me. I have terrible diarrhea. That's all right. I was coming back. Back at Caroline's, we remember there was no green room. I was gonna put my coat back, and I had my coat right up on the hook, and all of a sudden, I hear from the corner, I have terrible diarrhea.
Let me just jump this up. About nine months ago, I did the Fallon show. But two nights before, I know. And I had food poisoning. So my wife was with me, my publisher. You can't go on, because no matter what I've done in my career, if I would have taken a dump, it would have been Wikipedia.
on the Fallon show. I'm gonna do you a favor. No, I gotta finish. Can I do you a favor? I can't finish the story. I got 25 seconds. You can finish it when I'm done with the favor. You know, I could have had you as a son if I **** somebody. Sit down. Wikipedia. Take care of that for him.
You're going to write it down for you. No, let me just dig. Keep going. I'll do it fast, because I don't, I hate it. Do it. Do it. Because I don't live a sentence. You're going, bring your loans, everybody. And I can get a stroke. I can get a stroke. I'm in my 60s. Now listen, what happened? Are you in your 60s? I'm in my 60s. Please, you look terrible. I shave for you. I even, I dressed up. When you came out, I swear to God, I thought the Bible has come alive. I had no eyes. 60s?
And why do they always put the Bible in the hotel room? I want a Jewish delicatessen takeout order on the other side. I mean, I kid the Mormons, but I don't care about the Salt Lake. I want a pastrami sandwich. So anyway, so I had a stomach point. You know, when you had that, you had the toilet for 28 hours. Sure. And I had you eatin', but I was a food poisoning.
And I had a recovery. No, that's what it is. I know, but my wife says you can't go on Fallon. And my publicist says, I'm not canceling. I don't show much go on. So she won. I said, do me a favor. Get me the pens. So in case it happens, no one will know. I mean, Fallon could have been like a porcupine.
He could have done that. But I didn't do anything. But you got me like this Calvin Klein. They come out with Calvin Klein. Can I stand up with the camp? I'd like to. So they put the Calvin Klein in, and it sucks your stomach. You're like a girdle. So I look like a $%$% million. So they said, ladies and gentlemen, to Louis. Hey, how are you? How's everything going? So I told my wife, so when I did the show, it went well. And then I went out and snuck out and bought 12 pair.
So the whole trip in New York, my wife's friends, he looks s***ing great for 60. You're tasting. Let me start going. I know. How many? We have a minute and a half. No, but that is what? In terms of the billboard in Times Square for Calvin Klein.
I love it. It is depends. Hey, everybody. John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday?
Listen to The Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts.
