TDS Time Machine | Best of Ed Helms

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredients to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to The Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's me, Michael Costa. The Daily Show's on break for the holidays, but in the meantime, we put together some special highlights just for you. We'll be back in the new year on January 7th with all new episodes. Arizona State legislator Randy Graff values our second amendment right to bear arms. And I don't see why that right should be abridged while you're doing just about anything.

So he proposed a bill that would close a bizarre loophole in Arizona law. Senate Bill 1210 is a very simple measure that would change our Arizona statutes and allow the carry of weapons into establishments that serve alcohol.

You heard him right. For some insane reason, bars in Arizona are currently gun free. Is there anything more terrifying than a room full of people without guns? I guess what would be more terrifying would be a room full of people not allowed to have guns. I just got chills.

Graphsville to allow guns and bars has already passed the House. But even common sense ideas have their opponents, like Democratic Representative John Laredo. When people drink, we don't allow them to drive. Why? Well, because their motor skills are inhibited and their judgment is inhibited. Drinking and driving is illegal because cars can crash and kill people.

A gun is hardly a car. A gun is more dangerous than a car if you've got alcohol involved. So, I'm just saying that guns and bars shouldn't be allowed with alcohol. There's no need to shout, okay? Shouting at me.

As a gun-owning former Marine, John Laredo is hardly qualified to evaluate gun laws. Unlike Randy Graf, whose views are informed by his experience as a Gulf Pro. For me, it's relatively simple. For many years, I had to interpret the rules of golf. And the rules of golf book is 65 pages or so long. We've got our Constitution here.

I read that as my newest rule book. If the Arizona legislature passes this bill, then I'm sorry, can we go back for a second here? Did he just compare the Constitution to a book of golf rules? Oh man, I love this guy!

Anyway, the majority of the people that we've heard from are very opposed to this legislation. So aren't you just cow-towing to the majority of Arizonians? I think any reasonable, rational person- You're cow-towing to me, aren't you? Look, if you're so paranoid that you don't believe you could walk into a bar without a gun, then you probably shouldn't be there in the first place. What are you going to do if a bear walks into a bar and you're unarmed?

They're going to get eaten by that bear. So how will this law affect those on the front lines? I spoke with Ernie Ross, who owns the Steel Horse Saloon, a local drinking establishment for motorcycle enthusiasts. Evidently, the person who was behind trying to push this bill has no experience in the bar business. Liquor and firearms don't mix. Alcohol causes conflicts. Firearms resolve conflicts.

That's another winner. Logic tells you that alcohol and firearms don't match. Yeah, if you're a pussy. If you're a pussy.

Ernie and I had a delightful chat, a rational exchange of ideas. All right, you're calling me a pussy. So would you prefer me taking this bottle of beer I got in my hand and cracking it over your face? Or would you prefer me reaching in my back, flying out my firearm and putting a bullet between your eyes? Which do you prefer? I would say if you hit me over the face with the beer bottle, then you're being a pussy.

To prove to the Pussies that guns and liquor do mix, I conducted a scientific experiment. I'll be right back. I did find that a small amount of alcohol made me somewhat more aggressive.

But with the appropriate dosage, my behavior changed completely. I headed back to the steel horse saloon and had the time of my life. That is until I reminded them that they're all a bunch of pussies.

If only I'd brought my gun. Earlier today, the Vice President was hospitalized after complaining of shortness of breath. Our head helms are standing by at the George Washington University Hospital.

And what can you tell us about the Vice President's condition at this moment? John, the Vice President is going to be just fine.

What happened, Dad? Well, as you know, the Vice President only speaks at conservative, friendly audiences. The American Enterprise Institute, Opus Day, the Whitington Oil in Jesus Society. This time he spoke at the Heritage Foundation. We're not quite sure how it happened, but he was somehow exposed to a small amount of dissent and suffered a mild reaction.

Descent. Yes, John. The vice president is extremely allergic to dissent. That's why he only speaks to friendly crowds. It's not that he doesn't want to hear the other side. It's that people who disagree with him actually disagree with him. You remember his near death experience after Katrina. God, as I was talking to the mayor,

In those areas, one of the things you've got to figure out what to do with all of the... That one made his head swell up like a medicine ball. John, they actually had to stick Chaney in the neck with an epinephrine pen.

But this time it wasn't so bad. That's right, John. They think he was only exposed to a trace amount. Apparently, one of the bus boys at the luncheon voted for Nader in 2004. But where's the vice president right now, Ed? At the moment, he's back resting comfortably in his sensory inundation chamber.

Inundation, sensory inundation? Yes, John. An ergonomically designed fully catheterized velvet line sarcophagus that nurtures the vice president on a constant stream of ideology reinforcing audio and video. He's removed very infrequently for speeches and the occasional wipe down. They coat him with talc first, but he still builds up one heck of a snake.

What's a sarcophagus? What's it like to be inside that thing? I'll show you, John. This is what Chaney sees while he's resting inside. Let the eagle soar like she's never soared before from Rocky Coast to golden shore.

Thank you, Ed. Ed Helms, everybody. John Stewart here, unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredients to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to The Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts. In the last few years, America's so-called culture war has been sadly overshadowed by our so-called

war war. But societal battles continue to be raged all across the country at Helms reports on one. Last year, Massachusetts became the first state to allow gay marriage and critics feared the worst. If gay marriage is legalized, madam, then you're going to have to legalize polygamy. To redefine marriage is really to redefine it out of existence.

a breakdown of the family, children being born out of wedlock, and communities and cultures indicate. Now, just one year later, Massachusetts pro-family activist Brian Kamenkert believes those fears have become reality. The gay marriage issue is destructive on many levels. You have to deal with it in business. You have to deal with it in the public school, where you have to deal with it in the public schools. So the quality of life is decreased? Yeah. Homelessness gone up.

I can, you know, crime rates? Crime rates? Air quality? I mean, let me put it this way. I could sit here and I could probably, you know, find some way of connecting the dots to gay marriage to all of these if I had enough time and I did some research. Yeah, why take time to do the research when saying it is so much faster?

Besides, the statistics are clear cut. Now that gay marriage is legal, Massachusetts ranks dead last in illiteracy. 48th in per capita poverty and a pathetic 49th in total divorces. Somehow, Don and Robert, one of the state's first married gay couples, don't see the problem. A lot of things that affect the state of Massachusetts far more profoundly than, you know, two people who love each other and getting married.

Name one thing in Massachusetts that's not ruined. Well, I guess I have a good feeling around. I mean, I can't think of anything that gay's marriage has actually caused, other than letting people get married. Easy for them to say. How does legalized gay marriage affect your relationship with your wife? That's such a ridiculous question. I don't even want to answer that. Are you like asking me serious questions or not? Of course.

Is it hard to stay interested in your life with temptation? What are some other gay activities you haven't indulged in? Has legalized same-sex marriages led to more homosexuals?

I think that in the Broadway, it has. Of course, the Broadway has always had its share of homosexuals. But in a broader sense, just how gay has Massachusetts become. To find out, I'll be using this gay detection device. It's kind of a radar for gayness, or gay radar. It's called a homometer.

I calibrated the meter and began my investigation.

A sick s*** up. What does the insidious infiltration of gayness mean for the state? You know, it's a little scary as to where this movement might be headed. Gay activists use a lot of the PR tactics and propaganda tactics that the Nazis use. I think in comparison it's a bit extreme, don't you think? I mean, what did the Nazis do that was so bad?

Perhaps no comparison captures the perversity of what marriage means to gays. A companion threw thick and thin a warm bed at night. Yeah, someone to share your life with someone to grow old with. Yeah. That's disgusting.

John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting here. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to The Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcasts.