Talk Your Way to Better Sex

I think you get comfortable speaking about it by speaking about it. When you start to say the things that you think you cannot say, you'll find that there are the people who are like, wow, thank you for sharing. Oh, I know someone who had that same situation. And your people, the ones that you want to be with and that you want to have sex with and be intimate and have in your life as friends or lovers, are not the ones that are going to make you feel bad. They're going to judge you. They're going to stigmatize you and make you feel less than.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Here's a secret. The number one obstacle standing between you and the sex of your dreams probably comes down to exactly one thing. Communication.

It's not a cliche, it's a skill. And on today's Ask Emily show, we're talking our way to better sex. So let's bravely face the awkwardness with communication hacks for even the most nerve-wracking of convos. Climbing up during sex talks, I've got a confidence building solution for that. How about giving tough feedback like asking for better hand jobs or addressing a funky smell? We get into it.

Finally, we tackle tough topics like telling a friend you have feelings for them and whether to stay in a relationship if the sex is just okay. Hey, communication is a lubrication. But you know what? It's also liberating. And by the end of this episode, you'll be feeling a lot more.

free. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It just helps get the show out to more people and it only takes a few seconds. You can do it right now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, X, Facebook, all at Sex with Emily and check out my new articles, embarrassing questions, Kink and BDSM edition, and

how to train your penis. Unsexthemly.com. Before we dive into the episode, if you haven't heard the news, I have to tell you about my brand new membership community, Smart SX. It is officially live and I've had a blast the last few weeks because this membership is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. We're talking exclusive content, interactive workshops with top minds and sexual health, there's polls and so much more all made for the membership community.

But honestly, my favorite part is the community. It's a safe space where like-minded people support each other, they're sharing experiences, they're breaking down all the taboos around sex and intimacy. It's truly empowering. So if you're ready to really bring more pleasure into your sex life and take the steps, Smart Sx is for you. So join the pleasure revolution today. Just head over to sexwithfamily.com, click on the membership tab, or head straight to sexwithfamily.com slash Smart Sx.

Artibon, enjoy this episode!

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Today, I want to talk to you about a part of the body that influences everything, the G spot. Well, not that G spot, your gut. Yep, your gut health can impact everything from your mood, sleep, energy levels, and even your sex life. So I've tried tons of probiotics over the years, refrigerated ones, drinks, you name it. But then I discovered just thrive.

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I'm great. Thank you for having me. Of course. So nice to meet you. How are you doing? Tell me what's going on. So good to see you. Thank you so much for having me. I am a longtime fan. So this is kind of like a little bit of a dream come true here. So I really, what's going on in my life is I've started seeing this new guy. He's really great. He's a nice guy. You know, he's, he meets all the requirements. He checks all the boxes. He just fulfills everything for me.

Except kind of that small little detail of it's a little lackluster in the bedroom, if you will. And I really just want to know if that is something that Is a big enough issue to kind of put the brakes on the entire relationship. I don't know if that's going to become a huge problem down the road or if that's something we can work through or I don't know.

It's a good question. I mean, so my question is, and you've been together for, I think, yeah, I think about nine months now, like we're heading towards a year. So that's kind of a long time. Yeah. Okay. So, so here's the thing. It's funny because actually Esther Peral was on a podcast and we talked about this and.

We said, you know, how important is sex in a relationship and everyone gets to decide for themselves. Now, if you have two people together and both decide sex is not the most important thing to us. We're best friends. We split the house duties up. We have really good parents, but you get to decide how important it is. Now, I believe that sex is something that you can work on, but you have to have two willing partners. So what are you missing right now in the sex life?

It's not for a lack of communication on my part, and it's not for lack of trying on his part, but I think he's just a little bit more modest, a little more reserved, and I don't know that he truly knows what I mean by like spicing things up or, you know, trying new things. It's a little awkward for him, I feel like. Well, Jessica, you're right. And I'm here. I've never met him. He doesn't know what you mean by that.

He has no idea what you mean. And in fact, it probably terrified him. But this is great news because he probably is nervous to talk about it, hasn't ever maybe had a partner who has addressed this with him before. And so he feels perhaps intimidated, like he's letting you down and what the hell does spice it up mean? So you could tell me what it means to you and then we could figure out how to have a conversation with him about it.

That's a great idea. Okay, so I guess really this part isn't spicy, but just like more sex in general, maybe not like every week and a half. That's just really not enough for me. But I was trying to do exactly what you said. I didn't want to overwhelm or intimidate him.

didn't want to frighten him and have him think, you know, like, I hate our sex life. I just need like step one more of it. And then kind of going from there a little less vanilla, a little more exciting. Okay. Well, see, this is what's really cool. Now, you said you've been listening to the podcast for a while.

Oh, yeah. So, I mean, a lot of couples, we had someone call in last week that they listened on a road trip for six hours to the podcast, and then people stopped, like, okay, right? If you always like, I listened on a road trip. Am I great? So, maybe it's more, maybe it would be helpful for you, whereas we're making dinner one night, and you played it, and then you said, you know, this is my favorite podcast, and then you stop it when something comes up that you guys want to talk about, so he can start getting comfortable hearing the language of sex and communicating about it, because

You know, my listeners know this and my friends know this, but people, most people are not comfortable with the topic of sex. So I would get them comfortable, maybe listen together, read some articles on our site. You could do our yes, no, maybe list that we have on the site, but this might be jumping the gun a bit because the first thing you're saying is it's not even the quantity isn't even enough that you're, it's not about the quality right now. You're like, he wants every, so that's an important conversation about frequency of sex. So you could start with the conversation saying, you know, I realize that,

Sex is important to me to connect. I love when we connect. And for me, I'd love it a little bit more frequently. I know your face. So why is that? What scares you about that? I just feel like I'm man hearing that. Oh, man. I feel like it's not a shot to the ego to hear like, Oh my God, my girlfriend's like not satisfied with the amount like I haven't been pleasing her enough. And I don't want to think the last nine months have been kind of a wash, but they've been a little bit of a wash.

Just a bit. Well, you just, I mean, Jessica, I'd love to use this as like the banner question of what goes on in the show because the reason why most many, many of us do not talk to our partners is for that exact reason. So then we silently suffer through mediocre sex, sex, that's unsatisfied because we're so afraid we're going to bust their ego. That could happen. And that is a totally realistic scenario, which is why we don't do it. So the way that you do do it is you reassure him, you start with the compliment sandwich.

And you say, it's been nine months, and you start with a compliment. That's the first layer. All the things you love about yourself. I want you to know that I love our relationship, and then the middle part of the sandwich would be. And I realize it's sexist, something that's actually really important to me.

And whenever I see you, I want to sex you and I feel like we have sex, you know, one time in nine to 10 days. And for me, I'm feeling like I would want a lot more. The last part of the sandwiches and I really want to work on our relationship and I want to continue to grow.

But I realized in my past relationships, I never talked about sex. And this is new for me too. So you kind of reassure him with a shared experience. And you might have to say it a few times and you could probably read his face if he looks like, Oh God, say no babe, like put your arms around him and say, this was really hard for me too. Because I don't want you to feel ashamed and I don't want you to feel bad and I don't want to impact your ego. But I also want to get my needs met. And so I'm practicing. Will you practice with me? Will you learn with me how to communicate about sex?

Yes, I love that. It sounded so gentle when you said it. It's exactly what I'm trying to achieve. Well, yeah, you could practice it. You could write it out. You could talk to the mayor. You could talk to a friend. So how would you say it? You want to say it back to me?

Um, yeah, and I think also a little bonus here. I'm going to incorporate something I listened to on the road trip on one of your podcasts where you guys were talking about, um, the Gottman's and, you know, the love languages. And I've learned that mine is physical touch, which actually came as a surprise to me. I thought that would be like two or three, but no, it's number one, pretty heavy. Okay.

that I am meeting with, right? Yeah. So I guess I would probably start and really, I loved all this stuff you said, like, babe, I just want you to know, like, I'm really extremely happy. This has been like the best nine months of my life thus far. And that's really important to me because I'm actually divorced and that was all ugly and all that good stuff. So this has been really wonderful nine months. So I don't want this to become an issue that affects us. But yeah, I like how you turned it into like every time I see you,

I just want to have sex more often. And so that actually is a complimentary thing and not. No, yeah, I want to definitely focus on that. Because yeah, who wouldn't want to hear that? Like, oh, I'm that hot. Like, thank you. I would love that, right? Exactly. You just flip it, not even the butt. And every time I see you, I want to have sex with you more often. I want to have sex with you. I want to touch you like period because that's true. That's exactly it. You just have such a good way with words.

And then I really loved how you ended it, um, expressing how this was a difficult conversation for me to have and that I am practicing because that is true to actually, you know, previously something that my husband wouldn't want to talk about. And so it kind of just was what it was. And here I am, you know, I'm 33. I've taken control of my life a little bit more. So like,

This is a good problem. Exactly. Jessica, that was great. You did such a good job. Really, you're so loving. Here's the thing. You have to remember, it might take a few conversations with him. He's actually like, I got it. Maybe that's where you start. Then you could start to talk about, I wouldn't even say, why don't you guys take the love language quiz together?

You could say, I took this really cool quiz, look what I found out. See what he is is because the touch thing is real. I'm in the same way. Mine is touch. And if a partner doesn't touch me when they come in the door and we don't care, I'm like disconnected. Like they could bring me flowers. They could bring me gifts. They could have like just filled my car with gas. But if they didn't touch me and kissed me when they came in the door,

I would feel something's off. So it's totally valid. So I think those are the kind of examples you could give him. So that might be fun. And then when you say spice it up, it sounds like you're still trying to get clear on that. You know as well, maybe you want to feel more desired.

Yeah, that would be great. Yes, definitely. So I would let him know that. And then just say, and I want you to know, I get this uncomfortable, but I love to go forward in this relationship. And it's important for me to continue to have these conversations around sex. You take it off of him not performing and doing something to the both of you. And you say, I have a growth mindset around sex. I hope you do too.

Oh, I love that. Double on time. Exactly. Right. So good, Jessica. Well, thank you for your call. And I so appreciate this. And I really, I feel I'm feeling good about it, but you can always call back in and we could do another call. Perfect. I would love to. And thank you, Emily. Have a good one. You too. Bye. All right. I hope this made a lot of you think, huh?

I realize if there are some things I'm not communicating about in my relationship that might just take a conversation to make our sex life stronger and our relationship stronger.

What's holding you back right now from having that conversation and asking for what you need? Think about it. Is it about hurting your partner's feelings? Is that you're not sure what to say? Are you afraid they're going to leave you? What's the roadblock that's preventing you from having these conversations and see if you can break through that? You can do it on your own right now. You can always call them to the show.

Okay, this is a question from Instagram. How do you tell a girl she's bad at hand jobs, but she really wants to finish you off? No sex. Well, I have a question for you. How do you feel if someone says you're bad at something? That doesn't feel good at all. So let's reframe this, all right? Let's first think about what you do like about her. And what does she like about you? Meeting. One of the best ways to get what you want is to give, right? Giving is receiving. They're all connected.

Have you ever talked to her about your sex life? Do you know what she's into? What could you become better at? Are you fulfilling her fantasies? Because you don't want to go right in with the like, hey, babe, you got to give me a better hand job, right? What makes her happy? What makes her feel good? The other thing is, let's talk about hand jobs for a moment.

She might not have a lot of experience giving hand jobs. Every penis wants something different. I'm not sure what's bad with the hand job, but you could say, oh, you know what feels really good. Here's a bottle of lube. Maybe you want to use this. Maybe the hand job's too dry or she's going too fast or too slow. But the thing is giving feedback also saying, hey,

You know what? Using this lube might really help you there, and it feels really good to me. And then, if I'm giving a hand job, help me out. Tell me. Faster, slower, tighter. I think that that's all okay. And remember the compliments so much. You want to tell her things that you really like that she's doing. I've been fantasizing about being with you again. I miss you. It's awesome. And the next time she goes to give you a hand job, you can say, oh, look what I got. This can make this job a lot easier, because you know how I feel about lube.

So that's what I recommend. You'll get your hand jobs and let's see what she wants your hands to be doing on her body. Okay. Okay. Next call we have Monica and she's a female and in her late twenties. Monica wrote me a message at sex with Emily.com slash ask Emily. She says she just got into a new relationship with a guy who wants ethical non monogamy, but she's pretty monogamous. You've been with him for how long? Three months. Okay. You've been with him for a few months and it's your first real relationship.

And it's not really something that you have been interested in before. So are you looking into it for this particular guy that you've just met or the more you've started to learn about Navanagami? Do you think it's something that is interesting to you?

Like what are the intentions here? My intentions are not so much for me to find additional partners, but more to understand our relationship in this context. For me personally, it's not something I'm necessarily interested in. I think a lot of my anxieties around like being wanted and feeling valued and all of that can kind of set me up for jealousy and can set me up for like wanting a person to be in a close bond with. Yeah.

And at the same time, I really like this person. Everything has done really, really well so far. I will say he hasn't been with anyone else since we met. So he's not like actively pursuing it right now, but it is something that like is a factor in this relationship. Well, it sounds like you know yourself really well and you're very thoughtful and you are being careful about this in the sense of you want to make sure you're doing the right thing and you're well prepared because you're asking for resources.

And you know that you have challenges around jealousy.

and you know, anxiety. And so I'm not sure that this experience of kind of trying to learn to be a non-monogamous partner while you stay monogamous in your first relationship with somebody who is gonna wanna see other people is maybe the best way to go right now. I'd much rather have you find someone who wants to be, I know this isn't what you wanna hear either, but I'd much rather have you find somebody who wants to be monogamous right now.

and do that work, because you're going to be worrying where he's at. I mean, he hasn't for three months, but that's like the honeymoon phase. That's the best part of any relationship, or at least it should be. And then he's going to say to you, hey, I've got a date tonight, or I've got something else happening this weekend. And so I just, I would much rather have you have experience under your belt, being in a trusted, committed relationship, learning what that's about, learning your body sexually,

And then maybe we can talk about non-monogamy, but I don't live the idea of you kind of giving everything over to what this person wants before we even know what you want, Monica.

Yeah, like you said, not necessarily the answer I wanted to hear, but it makes sense and like you're saying a lot of the things that I, you know, can certainly tell myself in the back of my head. I am curious, you know, something that we discussed upfront when we talked initially about like, you know, what are you looking for right now? He did say that he was looking for a primary partner and that the people you've been with recently have been like,

you know he's interested in them as you know humans and like sexually but there hasn't been any like romance there which is something that is definitely there with us so i don't know if that makes a difference in the way you're feeling it no it doesn't really because i just don't know how well you know this guy yet is he also is in his late 20s

And so he's that romantic with them, but he's just having sex with them. It just gets really, really tricky. I have to say, people who are unsuccessful, non-monogamous, it's rare that I hear from people or I even know about people who choose to stay monogamous while their partner is non-monogamous. So I just don't even think this is a scenario and everything that you're telling me about your situation

I don't think this is gonna go well for you. I really don't. And I don't, and I understand that you're feelings for him, but I would continue to date on your own if you can. It's hard to say that this person's not romantic and this person is romantic because when you have sex with someone repeatedly, even if it's your secondary partner, you know, you see him more often, you get closer, you start to having more intimacy. And then for you not to have anything else to bring to that table, you're just waiting for him to come home or to see him again.

A lot of the thrill and a lot of the excitement for people in non-monogamous relationships is that both partners are benefiting by getting needs met from other partners, that that primary partner can't necessarily fill, for example. I mean, sometimes the primary partner can fulfill it, but they just want variety. You know, there's a lot of different ways that these kind of relationships work, but I'm not hearing any of them well-suited to where you're at right now in your life.

Yeah, I think this is going to be a long, difficult road for you. And I know you really like him, but if, if, if being monogamous is a deal breaker for him, I hope that you really start to think about what you actually want and what you're into because it takes me to how you are in these relationships successfully is excellent, rigorous communication.

The other thing I'm going to say about people in nominee, traditionally, it works best when they're already been monogamous for a while. Like a while, a lot, three months, but like years. And if they do come together and decide to be nominogenous, typically both have experience with that. So you're like learning everything on the job here. Yeah, definitely. You don't want to, I wish I could sign up here for your plan, but I'm not going to be able to do that today. I can't co-sign on this for you. I just can't. Got it. Understood.

Okay. Yeah. I want you to figure out who you are as a sexual being with a trusted partner because that's what's going to be best for you right now. Yeah. Got it. Okay. Well, thank you. Thank you, Monica. Have a great day. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling.

All right, guys, here's the thing. There's a lot more interest in non-monogamous relationships right now, which I love that people are realizing that doesn't make you a freak, doesn't make you a sex addict. It just means that you're somebody who would like to have sex with, consensually, with more than one partner. And it can look a lot of different ways. It could be swinging or it could be with primary partners and secondary partners. However, the thing that these relationships do have is

Practice communicating openly and honestly about your sex life and your desires and what you want, which as you know, if you've been listening, it takes some time. And these one-sided or doing it because your partner talks you into it.

You know, your partner's not going to talk you into having a threesome or hope not calling it. That's happening. Talk you into fulfilling all their fantasies. Like, where's yours? Where's your needs? What kind of relationship do you want? So again, after three months, sometimes I don't, I think we can be riding on the newness of our relationship and we don't really know the personal well enough yet to make these kinds of decisions.

We'll be right back after a short break, but first, I gotta talk about a long time partner of mine. I know, I don't typically like to stay in relationships for this long, but plot twist, Jeju is the exception to all my commitment issues. So Jeju was one of my first ever brand deals, like almost 20 years ago. I know.

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Okay, we have Chris 38 in San Francisco.

Hi. Hey, Chris. How you doing? Good. How about you, Emily? I'm good. What's going on? Thanks for calling in. Yeah, sure. So yeah, I wanted to get your opinion on telling somebody that you have feelings for them when that other person is in a relationship already. And you have experience with that or how it could potentially go. I understand the, um,

ramifications the potential ramifications of it okay messing with the friendship but but tell me more about the situation yeah so um i enrolled in culinary school this past year and we had a pretty small class and so for the past eight months i met this woman in culinary school she was also in my class and so i was spending a lot of time with her and my other classmates and so we've

had a chance to organically get to know each other and kind of develop that friendship and chemistry and connection. And over the course of the year, just, you know, if you develop feelings for somebody and I want something more than a friendship. And over the course of that time, I also learned, you know, I would ask her about her relationship. I learned that she had a boyfriend and, you know, would ask about him. And the feeling that I got was very lukewarm and just, I don't know, that sense of like,

I hate to say this, but like maybe she was settling or that she could be happier and that in combined with what I felt as a connection with her and maybe some feelings on her end kind of has me now to this point of like, oh, do I say anything or not? How often do I see each other? What's your friendship like right now?

Well, class just ended two weeks ago. So we've got plans on the books with the group of class. We were a small class of eight people. So I'm going to see her Sunday. She's coming over to my house with a couple other friends. We're going to make dinner and then her birthday is later this month. She's having a little party at her place. I'll see her then. Yeah. Do you ever get any sense from her that there is a mutual attraction or that she would take this to another level?

Kind of. Yes. Okay. All right. It's like a lukewarm answer. Well, if we can feel these things. So I think that if you have feelings for someone and it sounds like it's pretty strong and you have this bond and you've spent time together, that you're not really friends in a sense. I mean, you're friends, but it's really hard to kind of turn off the feelings you have for someone. So I think there's a way to do it.

that could also though, preserve your friendship and just be really honest. And you'd be prepared for the answers as well. And I would talk to her maybe if you could go to lunch or go for coffee and just say, I would, you know, I really like our friendship. And I just want to check something with you because I will be so, I can't imagine, you know, if I didn't do this, you know, I would feel to not have said this, but I do feel that there's a connection with us and attraction. I know you're in a relationship.

I just want to put that out there now and see what she says. I mean, my take on is like people, this is like my own opinion is that like you're not really friends if you don't, but I see also the other side of it could be, well, that's not fair. She's in a relationship. You're going to mess it up. And how could she really be friends with you? And that's also a risk. And so I mean, the fact that you called in and you, you know, it seems like this is really on your mind because you could decide to just say, I'm not going to spend time with her. I'm not going to do these things, but it's,

There's something happening in here where I feel like you kind of have to say it and, you know, where are you at right now in your dating life? Yeah. Um, so I'm divorced. I got divorced, uh, like three, two and a half years ago. And so I've been dating since then and nothing, nothing longer than three or four months. I was enjoying a single life and just kind of having fun, but I think what's different for me now is,

Developing the relationship over the time versus going out on a single date or learning about going through the apps and just that type of interaction. I also have this feeling that I recognize from past women that I've been in love with. And I'm not saying that I'm in love with her. But I just know the gut feeling of the butterflies and just that, oh, it's our connection. I just feel something different than I with her that I have with other women.

Has anyone else said anything to you in class? Like they see this connection now. No, I haven't told anybody else in class. I was kind of talking with somebody else to see if they saw it or if they were like, no. I mean, I'm just struggling with like the respect thing. Like, is it disrespectful for me to say something to somebody else who's in? And it's not like she and her boyfriend just started dating. You know, they just live together. OK, I mean, so you know what? I think if that's

I think you're going to see her three times in the next month. So I think you're probably going to have more information. You'll probably, you're, you said she's having people at her house. Now, what if you get to her house and they're, they look really happy and they're holding hands and everything seems great. Then I probably wouldn't say anything at that point. So now that we're talking more about this, I would get some more information and see how it feels. But it is hard when someone's in a relationship and new feelings for them. But I think if you're seeing that she's in a happy place and things are good,

You know, yeah, I guess that that could be seen as disrespectful. I think seeing them in person, have you met him yet? I have, yeah, I've met him a few times. I've interacted with the two of them probably almost a half a dozen times. Oh, okay, how do they seem? That it solidifies the vibe that I get of like, oh, like they're not, not a lot of PDA, they just don't, they actually kind of seem friendly as well. Well, maybe she's not into PDA.

That's 100% right. We don't know. I would and yeah, I would gather some more information before you go down this road because maybe she's perfectly happy. But you know, I know a lot of couples are like, they didn't touch. They didn't are they really because I'm such a touchy person that I look at other couples and I make assumptions based on what I would want. And maybe that's perfectly happy for us. So I think you should.

From this lens, pay attention. Maybe you could ask someone in class and then you have to call back and let me know how it goes because now we're all going to be very curious. But I'm not going to tell you yes or no. My opinion on it is like, gather your facts, gather your data, you know, and find out as much as you can. And then, you know, if you feel like you have to do it, you could do it respectfully or you just kind of sit on it and see what happens. Okay. All right. Thanks for calling. Great question. Can you post it? Bye. Thanks. Bye.

That is a tough one, you guys. I feel like it's risky, you guys. It's really a moral question here. And I think it is risky if you really care about, you know, if you have a friendship with somebody, you want to tread lightly.

be respectful of someone's commitment and someone's relationship. And so I guess what I would say to him, he could continue to be a good friend to her while still dating and going out and seeing other people and seeing how it evolves, seeing if there's ever any cracks in the, you know, in the relationship and she starts to share with him. Maybe that would be more of an appropriate time. I know guys, we also decide and try to be the best people that we can be, but I think continuing to be a good friend is probably the right way to go.

We have Rachel 32 in New York. Hello. Hi, Rachel. How are you? I'm good. How are you doing? I'm good. Thank you so much for calling in. Yeah, of course. In my family history, there's a lot of Crohn's, colitis, really fun stomach issues. I don't have any of those.

But, which is great. I've definitely had some butt issues in the past. Hemorrhoids, internal, external, in general, sitting in the bathroom, which we should normalize. But more recently, I had a more serious hemorrhoid, which I then had have a little bit of outpatient surgery.

And whenever I hook up with guys, and I'm talking about within the first month, cleared by a doctor, it's, I just, I feel so embarrassed, right? Like, are they noticing this external anything? How do I get to a place where I'm comfortable?

feeling okay talking about it, because who wants to say like, oh, great, we've been on four days, we're having a grand old time. And guess what? Like that thing is like a skin tag. Yeah, I think, first off, I don't think that people notice what we think that they notice. And yeah, I have to say,

Get comfortable talking about it. I have skin tags. I'll say, oh, that's a skin tag. I say those things. I have I dated a partner with Crohn's and he was like, I just want you to know I have Crohn's. I'm like, OK, like you just told me this is what it is. And so I think that the more you get comfortable just stating it, it shouldn't be shameful.

And it shouldn't be embarrassing. I understand why it is. Don't get me wrong, Rachel. I get that no one wants to leave with butt stuff like as far as like this is my problem. But I think if you're going to be having sex with someone, you're going to be naked if you just say like, oh, that's this thing that happened to me. You know, this is this scar I have or this skin tag you said from the. Yeah, like a mixture of all. Yeah, just say, oh, yeah, I had some skin tag. I mean, I think that that's it. The more casual you are about it and the more like not apologizing. Not, I know it's ugly. I know it's weird.

And we did a great episode with Ina Park. She's a doctor and she wrote a book about STDs and she talks about disclosing medical information disclosing if you have an STI or STD. It's basically like having no shame in STDs and STIs because we just, we have to normalize it. And this is how it starts. So I understand that it's, it might be awkward, but it sounds to me like you're still able to have sex. It's more the cosmetics of it. You're concerned about like how it looks.

completely. It's how it looks. Are they noticing it? And then obviously it's something that's been an issue my whole life. So it's something that personally I need to work on, of course. But how do I feel comfortable speaking about it to someone I barely know? I know. Well, I think that's you. I think you get comfortable speaking about it by speaking about it. When you start to say the things that you think you cannot say, you'll find that there are the people who are like, wow, thank you for sharing. Oh, I know someone who had that same situation.

And your people, the ones that you want to be with and that you want to do have sex with and be intimate and having your life as friends or lovers are not the ones that are going to make you feel bad. They're going to judge you. They're going to stigmatize you and make you feel less than. I think we all have all this huge fear that everyone's going to just shut us down. And I just say they're doing you a favor because they're not your person. Yeah.

You know, I've dated people with SDIs and they're just like, oh, I want you to know I've herpes. This is what I do. I've taken daily suppressant. I'm like, great. Like, there's something to be said for just stating it outright.

It takes away all the stigma around it. It makes it less shameful and it just matter of fact. And I think that's sexy, actually, somebody who is powerful and strong and states it. And you'll find when you say that to some partners, they might have their own things to share with you. So all I can say is it's a practice, but one that gets a lot easier and you'll feel so much more empowered and ready for what's to come in your life when you can start to have those kind of conversations.

Yeah, that's that's great advice because I think I'm always thinking what.

But, you know, of course, everyone's thinking, what are they looking at? What all these things? And do they notice these things? Right. And we all think that, Rachel, that's the thing. And I think it's a really old message. I'm not saying that there are people out there who still judge. But I think that we're going today towards more body positivity and people just kind of being really real about their mental health and their physical health. I just hope that the majority of people are going to say, great. All right. And so thanks for telling me and let's get on. Let's get down to business.

But people who have that shocked look or they're, you know what I mean? My heart goes out to them. They haven't had a lot of experience with compassion or empathy or they're kind of in a very superficial place. If that's going to be the reason why someone leaves you, thank God they did it for that because who cares? Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. I think even writing into you, I couldn't even believe I did it. I was like in a bad place. I just had the outpatient surgery and I was like, hmm, and I was kind of hooking up with this guy and like avoiding waiting a week until I was cleared. And I was just like, you know what, her podcast, awesome. There are so many things that I pulled from this and I'm just gonna email her.

Well, it was really, really brave. And I can't tell you how many people this is going to help. So I appreciate you calling in and being honest and vulnerable with me. And I want you to let me know how it goes. But thank you so much. I really appreciate it. That's a big step. Yeah, I agree. Thank you so much. Of course. Have a great night. Thank you. Bye, Rachel.

The things that we think we cannot say, that's what's holding a lot of us back. Remember, if someone rejects you for something silly like that, they are not your person. I would love to get rid of these old stereotypes that say like, we have to be perfect and everything has to look great. And like it does on social media when everything is like airbrush. So the more you can be your own best advocate for who you are,

what you want and not make apologies if you're direct, honest, and open, you're going to find that you're going to attract more of those people into your life. Speak your part. Love yourself. At least like yourself. Okay. Do it with me. This is from anonymous 29 in Northern California. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been having sex with the FWB or friends of benefits about eight months. Since coming back together, our expectations of each other have been great.

We both have great orgasms. The only thing is she doesn't smell great. And I know it's not supposed to smell like daisies, but to the extent that she's one of the best sexual partners I've ever had, she's also equally some of the worst I've ever smelled. I want to go down on her. I thoroughly enjoy going down on a woman.

But I just don't know what to do out the smell and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I want to ask her what she liked and what she wanted more of and you guessed it. She wants me to go down under sometimes. I don't have the heart to tell her, but I don't do it because of the smell. I love your show. What do I do?

not an easy conversation to have at all. Sometimes women have odors and they don't know it and the biggest concern here is it might be because of an infection. She could have something called bacterial vaginosis, which is simply an overgrowth of bacteria that can be caused from having a few sexual partners. It can also be caused from like douching or over, you know, cleaning with some products that have a bad reaction and the bacteria in her vagina is getting disrupted. All right, so how do you let her know?

And again, this is outside the bedroom, not when you're fooling around having sex that will like totally take her out of the moment. But what you want to say is, listen, I love going down on you. You know how much I love pleasing you, right? We got to like lead to this stuff. And I need to talk to you about something that's really uncomfortable, but I'm a little bit worried about your health. Lately, I've noticed that there is an odor and I've done a little bit of research that it could be something that you could just take care of, go see your gynecologist. It could be something called bacterial vaginosis.

And I love going down on you. I can't wait to do it again, but would you be open to going to see your doctor?

And that's what you say. And honestly, this is just showing that you care about her well-being. I mean, think about it. We get over the awkwardness, but really, if someone said this to me, I'd be like, oh, he actually cares about me. He's not using it as an excuse why he's never going to go down on me again, because that would be the end of that relationship. But someone's saying, listen, I really care about your well-being. And here's what I found out. I'd be like, OK, awkward. But yeah, you're right. And let me call my gynecologist. Peace out. That's what you do. Thanks for the email.

Okay, we've got Sarah 35 female in New York. Hey, Sarah. Hi, Emily. I wanted to get your advice on being a braver around initiating.

I have in a great relationship long term. I've been married for almost six years now. And we've been together longer than that. And my husband, he's great. He's amazing. I feel like we're just in a season of life where I seem to want sex more than him, which I know is fine. But I

feel like I'm freezing up. Like, I think about wanting to have sex. And I like, I'm like, oh, I should do it. I'm in the mood. Like, he's just sitting there. And then I come up with all these reasons in my head of why I shouldn't do it. Like, oh, like, now it's not a good time. He's busy. Like, a million things I talk myself out of it. OK, yeah, let's help you here. So who is initiating right now when it does happen? Is your husband mostly initiating it?

No, it's mostly me. Okay. So what has something happened when you've initiated and it just hasn't gone right? Not really that I can pinpoint. I mean, he's rarely turned me down. I mean, the only thing I can think of is that like, I just maybe in the back of my mind think like, I will think badly of me or like, you know, okay, that we were told growing up like women are not supposed to want sex or

I don't know. I feel like if I'm initiating, he's going to think like, oh, she's like ready to go for penetration. And like, that's not what I want. You know, okay. Yeah, absolutely. This is a great thing, the topic that you're bringing up right now, because it's really, really common in relationships that someone's initiating someone's not. We tell ourselves stories, like what is it? You know, so I, what I love here.

is that you, Sarah, are aware of what you're thinking in the moment, that it could be shame or it might be. I'm not supposed to do this. So that's great. What is your communication like with your husband about your sex life? So I do try to talk to him about it. I love all of your advice. I love talking about it outside the bedroom. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to talk about it. And I feel like I'm the one like,

nagging him and so then like it tends to be like I'll try a little bit and then he seems resistant to talking about who'll do a little bit at a time but like it's sometimes it's too much room so yeah like that maybe is playing into it as well.

Okay. Well, I feel like there's a lot of these stories here. I always say, like, you got to check a story. It could be a lot of things. It could be the fact that he's not initiating. Maybe there's also part like, why isn't he initiating? Are you feel you're the only one going after it? No one wants to be the only one carrying the weight in the relationship and also the fact that you feel like he doesn't really want to talk about it. Some people just aren't as comfortable talking about sex. Okay. I would say the majority of us aren't comfortable talking about sex. And so, and so what you're reading into is like he only has a short

attention span for her, he gets to his limit. Until these are all the things that I think would be so good to check with him and say, I want to have a conversation with you and compliment sandwich. Here's the things that I've been loving about it. And I think you could be honest, it's your husband of six years.

I find myself lately freezing up and I'm thinking about you and I get turned on and I'm sitting in the room and I want to have sex but I have all these thoughts that run through my head. And I want to talk to you about them and I've also felt lately that maybe you're not as open to having our conversations. So is there any truth to that? Can you let me know where you're at with our sex life? Yeah. You could talk about A, you could start with the communication. So you have two choices you could say, I just want to talk about our communication around sex.

I feel like we haven't talked about it lately. What's on your mind about it? Anything you've been wanting to try, you could start very basic, like what are your fantasies? You could play with it a little bit and kind of get you both going without the pressure of we need to talk. Yeah. Say, hey, I've been listening to sex with Emily. This is what I got. We haven't done this lately. Wouldn't this be fun? Let's have a glass of wine and talk about our sex life. And then you could have a go from there.

Or you could say to him, I've been wanting to try it. And I feel like it just hasn't been the right time. And I've got some of these thoughts. Is there any truth to that? I just need to check this with you. It's really just conversations. Yeah, because I'm sure he's probably appreciates that you're initiating and wants to have sex. It sounds like it. He's not saying no. Right.

Is there a party that feels like he really wants to be saying no? No, I don't think so. Yeah. Good. OK. So really, it's just your thoughts. And maybe you need some more of a dialogue with him. And I'll bet if you can get him to open up more about it and see it's not so scary to talk about sex.

Then, you know, maybe he'll get going again because remember it's a muscle. Like the more that you bring it up and not wait, the better you're going to feel. And the more he can maybe understand, you can let him know how it makes you feel when that happened. Not to make him feel bad, but say it made me feel less encouraged to initiate or less encouraged to bring up these conversations. Is there something we could do to make this conversation more comfortable for you? You know, just because it's okay. You're totally, I love that you're called me and I love that you want to have continued of these conversations because that's the only way it's going to get better.

and you're going to get your needs met. Definitely, yeah. And the other thing you would say, I think about initiating, do you have any fantasies about me initiating? Like does he have a moment that you're like, what would be your ideal scenario for me initiating? And you could say, well, I'd love you to surprise me or walk in in that great outfit or, you know? Yeah. I think you're right. I think if I did have like clear directions or something that he was looking forward to, that I would feel more confident.

It's very helpful. Thank you so much. And I thank you for all of your advice. I listen all the time and I meditate master bait manifest. Thank you for all. Oh, good. Sarah, thank you for coming in. Thank you so much. It was really good to see you and talk to you. Thank you so much. Okay. Have a great night. Bye, Sarah. You know, that's a really common thing that comes up for a lot of couples around initiating sex.

Either we try to initiate our partner rejected us and we feel really bad about it and we feel like, well, I'm not going to do it again because we don't want to be rejected. If you think about it, if no one's initiating, there is zero sex happening. So whether it's talking to your partner about what would be a hot initiation scene or getting to the root of why you feel that it's not okay to initiate are all really great

roadblocks to clear out that will make it a lot easier for you in the future to start having the sex that you desire.

That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at

sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sex with Emily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to sex with Emily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email feedback at sex with Emily.com.