Storm Bert chaos: Were warnings wrong? – The Telegraph gets serious about jumpers – “Oh no, Mum’s watching p*rn again!”

Hello, it's Monday the 25th of November. I'm Miranda Sawyer and my jumper game is strong, thanks. That's a lie, you're not even wearing a jumper. It's a feeler top, that'll do. Welcome back to PaperCuts, the Modern Newspaper Review. This is the podcast that has its news priorities in the right order. Namely, headlines at number one.

Food reviews at number 100, with sex tips, fashion madness and political hoo-ha, fighting it out in the middle. Oh, and an alien and a psycho seagull on the front page. You know, it makes sense. And why not become a paper-cut supporter? For under £4 a month, you can get shows with no adverts and with an added funny bit each episode. Plus, you get to feel super smug-o because you're supporting the good part of the podcasting industry, the bit that doesn't run to hedge funders to tide over the tough times, because we don't know any.

So just go to the show notes and click on the link. Now, here are the headlines for today's show. Walter Mess, Stormbert flooding Rex towns across Britain. Nine knits, no problem because the stitch is fun. The telegraph reckons we need nine posh jumpers to get us through the winter and Pedro Pascal is doing the hoovering. The rise of Mumporn. Welcome to Papercuts. We read the papers so you don't have to.

Thanks for joining us on Paper Cuts, where we've pulled all the deadlines forward for Christmas, but we're still ignoring them. I'm Miranda Sawyer, and joining me today is author of A History of the World in 47 Borders and Green M&S Crew Neck Preferra. It's John Ellich. Hi, John. It's not green. What are you talking about? What colour would you say? It's also not a crew neck. It's a V-neck, sorry. It's a high V-neck, though. It's that sort of... That's green. It's yellow. Yellow. Golden. Oh, OK. We're going to have some arguments here. Yeah, yeah. It's the dress all over again.

It really is. And also joining us is comedian and moss-coloured Kashmir favourite. It's Jan Raven. Hi, Jan. Hello, good morning. Yes, I'm very nice and warm and cosy. Thank you. Very good. OK, what have we got on the front page today, Jan? You've got the serious paper? They're really... They're so serious today. I've only just been looking at them in. It's always so bloody depressing. I normally shuffle them into an order so you can end on a funny one or something. That's not a funny one. It's all miserable, but there's about eight different miserable stories. So, the eye.

Cabinet split over assisted-dying voters, vote-rout deepens. That vote is happening Friday, I believe. Also, it's really lovely that what's happening here is the lobby are, once again, turning an important policy question into an argument over who stands where in the Cabinet.

Oh, God. It's just such bullshit. Anyway, above that, flood danger as stormburts rages across Britain and trading a feature. Does gentle parenting actually work? Eyes experts explain. OK, we're ignoring that as parents. The Times is a real joy fest. Budget tax raid will put us off hiring, say bosses. Environment minister kept in dark over farms plan.

more cabinet splits there, and Trump to act transgender troops from US forces on day one. The Telegraph also has a picture of a woman in Devon trying to get some water out of her front garden with a brush, which I don't think that's going to work. X-met boss urges non-crime hate review.

So that's the telegraph still ringing round, trying to get people to take Alice in Pearson's side. Okay. Assisted dying bill likely to pass, say MPs, take that half the cabinet. Two-thirds of companies slash hiring plans after Reeves' budget. Okay. Oh, and Tim Stanley thinks that Trump's gladiatorial America reminds us of Roman decline. So that's nice. Does it? Is it fewer fit men? There's also a trail for how to pick the perfect knitwear. We're very much looking forward to that. We will be talking about it.

Last but not least from either Guardian, no alternative to raising tax-defined Chancellor to tell CBI. It just makes me laugh in some glum.

pledges on Britain's held abroad, Lamy told. I don't even know what that is. Oh, that's to do with supporting British people. As a name in Zagari Ratcliffe, who was obviously in prison in Iran for quite a long time. Climate deal, travesty of justice, say poor nations. That's beneath that picture of that poor woman in Devon again. And then just in case you were thinking of taking some comfort in just like the small treats that life can bring, once sought with that, how to cut down on a hidden geller.

Salt. Killing is all. Happy Monday, everybody. OK, Jan, come on. You've got the fun papers. It's going to be great. You say that. But top of the pile here is the Daily Mail, which, as we know, is always telling us how terrible we all are. We're all going to have a hang-up. The headline in the mail is Starmer Union in bullying scandal. And that's because apparently the GMBR Labour backing, which obviously they are, but they're embroiled in allegations of harassing and bullying women.

Okay, there's all sort of phrases like vipers nest and used like confetti, which is a pepping that article up a bit. But of course on the top, the strap lines on the top are for our female readers, which they cater for obviously very assiduously. The eight signs he's plotting a divorce.

and why real men adore larger ladies like me. And then you'll be very pleased to hear Miranda that there's a little photo of Colleen Rooney. Yes, I love her. And she says, apparently, on I'm a celebrity, Trump wanted Wayne to coach his son at football. Yes, of course, I have read this because I just have. And he did, you know, you wanted him to coach Barron.

Why are we parents huge have you seen me? It was terrifying. It was when you still quite little. Taller than Gary Barlow's son. What's the mirror got? The mirror. I was an hour from dying. End this madness. It's cosmetics. Mum's nightmare. Surgeons join mirror fight to stop cowboy procedures. The thumb papers. Yeah.

And, yes, Paul Patrick Stewart there, so Patrick Stewart at the top saying, the shame and horror of Dad attacking my mum has never left me. And he's backing the Queen apparently because it's apparently the Queen that is leading this movement against domestic violence. The sun, 30 years of shirt,

That's that. You were genuinely like, absolutely bamboozled. How are this pronounced, I think, there? Bobby Moore's Missing 1966 England World Cup Top tracked down to Wales. Well, I mean, like a teams of tracker dogs have finally found it somewhere, somewhere in Wales. So that's reassuring. And also the 30 years, that's 58 years.

It's always just that he is the sun. The sun is also promising to tell us why mums like me, not me. This is somebody that's writing in the sun. Why mums like me watch porn? We're going to be discussing this later. We're going to be discussing that. Oh yeah, listen to John's voice. It's coming up, man. And then, daily star.

But was just the start five storms by Christmas. So more, more good fun here. Forecasters are predicting five more snowy storm blasts before Christmas with the next hitting as soon as this weekend. And apparently daytime drinking surges. People are starting to drink earlier on in the day and so getting, you know, even more poisoned by alcohol than they were before.

No, they're getting... No, actually, that one, also I've read it. It's because they're starting to drink earlier because of bottomless brunches, and then they're all home by nine, which is quite cute.

Yeah, but you know, I think people like, like my, my son, you kind of, you know, they do this thing of like going out, you know, the lunch or, you know, or there's a football match or something. So they start drinking then and then it just kind of bleeds on and do that. Yeah, that's normal drinking. They're just saying like, they're saying, this is instead of drinking in the evening, you're drinking during the lunch. They're saying there's a, that actually it's an improvement. So actually that's some good news. Yes. Good people aren't drinking. Okay. It's nice that we can end on some good news. Isn't it? Because everything is ending really, really soon.

And also, yeah, on the start, mad, Vlad, cyber war. So, you know, don't get too cheerful. Now, on most of the front pages today is a picture of the devastating floods caused by Storm Burt that have taken place in various parts of the country, with South Wales being particularly badly hit. OK, John, what has been going on are people coping as well?

I mean, it's bad. It's really pretty bad. So it's been a major incident declared in South Wales. Also a lot of rain in North Wales. So just generally Wales, it's been raining. 200 flood alerts still in place. Hundreds of homes are flooded. Roads are turning into rivers. A lot of power lines on railways are down. So that's disrupted train services. So there have been at least five deaths. Winds of up to 82 miles an hour. One place that's been hit particularly badly is the village of temporary wells in Worcestershire.

There's an incredible bit of footage of a fireman just running down the street, screaming ever and get back. And then basically a river comes behind. A river just comes down the street, doesn't it? Just down the high street. And all this happens about 45 seconds. It's terrifying. I'm not sure if there is video footage of this, but there's a lot of anger.

The waters rose to kind of like the steps of all the shops. So everyone's like few at least it's not kind of got in and then someone drives a massive great tractor down, and sends waves into everyone's, everyone's shops and homes. One comment is this one man has bankrupted temporary wells. So apparently Stormburp brought 80% of the entire month's rainfall in one night.

So mad. I was in the Cotswolds at the weekend, and it was mad, trying to get from the antique market back to the pub. But we literally had to go about six different ways, because you just kept coming to roads that had turned into rivers. And I've never known rain carry on for so long, so heavy. Literally, all day, it did not stop. It was like,

Yeah, biblical. So you couldn't go and get like your £5 loaf. No, I was completely stopped from getting my art as I'm sourdough pizza. But I did make it to the antique fair, you'll be pleased to hear. I've very got some vintage plates. Very, very. Well, I mean, we will certainly be sure to send that message to the people of South Wales. Yes, yes. It's a message of hope in dark times. Yes, yes.

I don't mean to be flippant about it. There can be nothing worse than being flooded. Oh my god, it's horrible. So the leader of Orundah signed on Tath County Borough in South Wales, a guy called Andrew Morgan, said he was amazed that the Met Office had only issued a yellow weather warning.

So I'm surprised there wasn't a red warning issue during storm Dennis. We saw an amber warning in advance. The red one issued me early hours. I think they'll need to be reviewed shortly. I've been looking into this and the main difference between it goes from yellow to amber to red. To some extent, it's about levels of certainty rather than not just how bad the weather is going to be, but how confident the met office is it's going to happen. So as far as I can tell, what's happened here is like people thought it might happen, but they weren't certain. So they didn't give a red warning even though.

It seems a bit weird because I'm not being funny about it, it was on the front cover of the star.

The star knew, the star was called the Dirty Birdie and it was coming along. So it does seem a bit weird because also if you, because if you issue a red warning, then I think the idea is that then everybody get the sandbags ready. And if you don't issue a red warning, everyone's a bit like, oh, we all right, you know. Yeah, because it's not just the warning. It's about what are they, what are they warning you to do? Exactly. Are they, are they warning you to, you know, maybe not go, not go to your antique market that day? Or are they warning you to, as you say, you know, get the sandbags out and go upstairs?

I'd also like to protest against the name Burt because it just makes it seem too cute. Storm Burt. Would you like to know how storms get their names? Yes, please. Readers of my award-winning newsletter. It's not actually award-winning. We'll already know this because I've looked into this.

The idea of giving storms name is that it's more memorable, it's kind of easier to talk about, because storms take several days, they move about, so you kind of can't give them a date or a geographic label, but you need to call them something. The US has been doing it since the 1950s with hurricanes. For the first 20 years, they're only more off to women. Then somebody suggested maybe that was a bit problematic, so they started

But over on this side of the Atlantic, we've been doing it for a rather shorter period of time. The UK and Ireland started doing it after the St. Jude's Day storm of 2013, called 17 People. So we started doing it for two years after that with Storm Abigail. The Netherlands joined us in 2019, which is where some of the names we use sound a bit Irish or a bit Dutch. It's just the three countries are working together because we tend to get the same stories.

Yeah, so there's a list drawn up based on public proposals and government suggestions, and then you just kind of work down another... So can I just go back to that? Public proposals for names for a storm? So the UK and Ireland let the public have us the dutch to not fuck around for that. We will tell you what we are naming our storms.

So we're not calling it Stormity Storm. No. They've all got to be names. The various Met Offices work together. You're not going to get Stormy McStorm face. But one slight problem with this system is it skips a bunch of letters that don't have many names. You've got 21 names a year. In 2020, there were 30 named storms.

Oh, so they started again, let's go around again. Well, no, what happened is they started giving them Greek letters, so now they do two lists, which is that's bleak, isn't it? That like we have too many storms, that feels like a telling comment on the world we live in now. Storm epsilon. I for one welcome storm Cassandra, who's coming in. Oh, really? No, I just made that one.

Now, the telegraph and the times have been busy this weekend deciding just what we should be wearing while we bail out the floods. And the answer is, coats and jumpers. The times gave us a piece with the headline, what does your winter coat say about you? And the telegraph, online at least, entitled the jumper article, the nine jumper styles, every woman needs this winter. So Jan,

What are the nine jumpers that we might need? Well, the first on the list is the sleeveless vest, which is apparently, you'll be very pleased to hear, easy to wear.

You quite simply put your head through the hole in the middle, and your arms through, and there you are, just done. That's good, because I'm always misswearing. I know, I know. Then you've got your crew neck. Apparently, if you really want to be a bit maverick, Zina Shaw recommends choosing a red knit. A red crew neck, it's a colour that suits everyone. Can I just say? She says...

No, it isn't. Don't wear red. No. The Modern Fair Isle. Now, the Modern Fair Isle, I seem to remember being popularised when that brilliant series, The Killing Was on, The Scandy Drum with Sarah Lundt in her and everybody wanted a Sarah Lundt jumper. I mean, it's quite a serious item, isn't it, a Scandy jumper? It's very heavy. It's very, very heavy.

I also have to say, like I did have a kind of, you know, a scanning jumper, and I have to say over the last four winters, they've not really got cold enough, which does indicate something. So they're literally sitting last week though, wasn't it? Yeah, but then you just wear a puffer jacket. So like it's just, I have to say the heavy knits. Yeah. I think given climate change,

You might not need them. In the space of about 12 hours on, I think it was Friday, the temperature in this country rose by about 15 degrees. We went from freezing to, like, surprisingly warm. Yeah, that was weird. Yeah. Anyway, your next category is your prim cardi. Yeah, no one wants a prim cardi. I mean, that's very Nigella in the 90s. Do you remember, Nigella had those sort of prim cardis that were very wasted. Yeah. I mean, you know, which rather sort of means that you've got to have a waste, you know, so the idea that we all need a prim cardi is

Nobody needs a prim cardie, I just think it looks, but do you need a statement cardie? A woman who runs a company that makes statement cardies says they are the best way to feel special whilst also being unbelievably comfortable.

Can I just say a statement card? It's got two there, right? One's pink with a bit of stitching on, and one's two mismatching ones. Genuinely, it is a mad grands cardi, and you can get them from any jumble sale. You do not need to spend whatever you meant to spend, which is hundreds of pounds of shrimps.

It's just like a mad person. And that's it. Yeah, so it's like, when I'm an old lady, I'll wear purple kind of style, isn't it? Now, what does a roll neck provide? Not only a warmth, but also some structure to the top half of your outfit, does it? Well, surely a jumper by definition is not structured. Maybe it is a structure just round the neck. Yes. Just a roll. And Wiggy Hindmarch,

Who is the founder? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that is not a person. Yes, yes, she founded Wiggy Kit. And she informs us that she recommends branching out into Brown.

Yes. Brown is, especially when wearing a high neck jumper, it's much kinder against your face. I'm going to quickly go through this, because this is really taking up far too much time. There's then there's the v-neck. Now, the v-neck, some people don't like wearing the v-neck, and I must admit, it always rather smacks to me of kind of, you know, ladies of a certain age who cut off all their hair, take up golf and say no more sex for me, thanks.

But if you don't like a golf, a sort of v-neck jumper, she's recommending this one that is a slight sort of off the shoulder v-neck jumper that you might like to many ways. But that one got right. So I read this one. Yeah. And apparently, so some people think v-neck so suit them. So this woman, who's possibly called Wiggy, has designed one for 295 pounds. No, she's not just to interrupt. She's called Rachel Carvel Spedding.

It's perfectly normal now. Oh, it's perfectly normal now. She's designed a V-neck for 295 pounds. And the main thing is it's in Scottish spun wall as opposed to whatever, other wall. And it's just off the shoulder, but not too dropped scene positioning. And that will make all the difference. It just looks like a V-neck. It does look, yeah. And it's for people who would never usually wear a V. Otherwise, you can go to Bowdoin. Do you don't say what's the point? Are you mad?

If these are meant to be keeping you warm, why do you want it off the shoulder? Yeah, exactly. I mean, all of it is nuts. So there's people who sort of like to, there's a certain type of person that sort of looks like they've permanently just sort of been attacked. They've sort of got clothes hanging off their shoulders. That's the All Saints look.

Yeah. Anyway, we move on to a great cashmere, which I know that you're suspicious of, Miranda, because of the M problem. Because of the moth problem. I do not own any jumper that is fully wool. You just need a bit of acrylic in there, or they don't last, is my thing. Anyway, pulling on a great cashmere is having a luxurious hug. Who'd have thought? It's like having a luxurious hug. Yeah.

Yeah, makes you feel great. Oh, well, great cashmere. Yeah, great cashmere. You know, cashmere is lovely. But anyway, and finally, the collard jumper. Yeah. Such a fair pair. Adds a degree of formality to an outfit, and this is being told to us by Jess Maguire Dudley.

I was listening to this trying to work out how any of the people giving this kind of advice have made money in life. I think the names have given it away, they don't have to. They don't have to make money but they've all decided to make jumpers.

That's what it is. They've all decided to make jumpers. Anyway, nine jumpers. That's nine. I mean, I do have to say, I mean, I don't like all these styles of jumper, but I do think that, you know, a jumper, you wear a jumper more than anything else, don't you really? Or a sweatshirt. Well, inside the sweatshirt, you see. They've missed that one. They haven't done the sweatshirt, but I do, you know, it's much better to spend money on jumpers than like, you know, a posh frock.

because you wear them all the time. I mean, every day in the winter, you're wearing your jumper. I hardly ever wear my posh rock as she is true.

We need more parties, so John can wear his posh frock, I have to say. Anyway, there's also, in the times, there's an analysis of coat styles. And this is tag to Andrew Lloyd Webber, who's been wearing a Canada goose jacket. Anyway, that's a kind of trendy outdoor make, but the thing is his is in a kind of pale peach. So I did when I saw it, I thought he's just been to an outlet store and bought this kind of a goose. The only color that was left. I mean, well, there's photo ISO, it looks sort of like pale pink, and I thought he is quite literally sticking out like a sore thumb.

Does everybody else had a barber on didn't they yeah they did okay so john do you want to go through these exciting style there's a thing called a dry robe yes do you know what that is. Why do now because i've read this piece i never heard of it before but it's something that was invented for surface yeah and is now being worn by yummy mummies 160 pounds.

Yeah, they are absolutely so the general beast. Yeah, you have to wear, I mean, actually, you have to wear a jumper with like, you know, I love the world. Yeah. On it. And then a dry robe in camouflage with pink inside. That's what you wear when you go wild swimming. When you go, yeah, it's, I mean, they, they, I used to think that look rather great that, you know, the camouflage with the bright pink lining about four or five years ago. And they've now just become such a cliche that you actually can't wear them. So 2019. Yeah.

Those are the barber wax jacket, which is obviously posh people. Yeah, but apparently non posh people like them as well. Yes. So basically they're quite solid coats. They are solid coats. And also in the, in the times piece, they basically say, oh, it's been reclaimed because Gany's made a version of lived in a collab with barber and Gany is like, it's like a kind of younger yummy mummy. Yeah, it's kind of, it's quite designer in quite out there. It's kind of weird shapes.

It's the kind of clothes that women really like and men are going, what the hell have you got on? Yes, exactly. So it's like a leopard skin version of a barber. But I think barbers, everybody wears barbers, like casuals wear barbers. Everyone wears barbers, that's just, it's not just Nigel Farage. If you've got it wrong.

But yeah, this piece in the Independent will go through duffel coats, which are apparently good for toddlers or Paddington Bear or Alexa Chun. Yeah, she looks cute. Tranche coats, apparently, but only Burberry ones. My coat, I think, is a Tranche coat. It's definitely not Burberry, but my coat doesn't pop up. I'm not fashionable. You've got your Parker, if you're a middle-aged man or Liam Gallagher. Yeah. There's oversized Manish blazers, which is apparently just a coat.

Yeah, they described it and they said it's a blazer that goes down to the floor. And you're like, that's a coat. Yeah. There's puffer coats if you're standing on the goal line. Yeah, they got very excited about that. Well, duvet coats are actually the only coat that's really, really, I mean, when it is really, really cold, it's got to be the duvet coat. If you've got space sort of around you, I mean, because, you know, it is like sort of wearing your bed, isn't it?

You know, on the sort of Victoria line and, you know, eight o'clock in the morning, it's quite difficult to find the space for it.

Now it's a wonderful Monday which means it's time to find out who's won the world's best just podcast inspired headline buffing competition fix the headline. Yes every week we find a Trif story with a stiff header and we get you the Paper Cuts listeners to think up a better one. And on Friday we gave you a story from the star. Apparently one in five Brits choose a holiday destination because they reckon they'll see a UFO there.

the headline, we're all going on a UFO holiday. Which isn't bad, but we knew you could do better, and indeed you did. On Blue Sky, actually all the Fix the Headlines are on Blue Sky this week, two-wheeled tank gave us vacay with Vulcans, and E.G. Nomen had a good go with close encounters of the third-class kind. Muk Thelonius Musk tried with

That's a great name. Isn't it? Club 18 to 30. Oh. And deep roots offered, take me to your lounger. But the winner is Talitha Jar with Plan B&B from outer space. That's really good. Well done, Talitha. Just send us your address and t-shirt size. And soon, a paper cuts t-shirt will be yours. Who ray? What about today? Have we got any good headlines? So, John, you have the start, right?

I do. So, as you said at the start of the show, it's November 25th. It's a month to the big day. And we've got the Christmassy story here. I hope everyone's feeling festive. Yeah. Unlucky Brits have suffered flea bites while out visiting in the festive season. Yeah. A whopping 5% who popped in to say Happy Christmas or Feliz never died in Spanish. Oh, right. To pals with pets have come a cropper. Itchy bumps and rushes from the pesky parasites are common.

You'll be shocked to learn this is from a survey by a leading veterinary care brand, Pets at Home. Anyway, the headline, what else could it be? Fleeze and Avidad. I love the way they just introduced Fleece and Avidad in case you didn't know. A very happy Christmas to the subs of the stuff. Yeah, that was a good one. I like that. Okay, over on page 14. Creepy Jeremy Clark.

Oh, that's wonderful. I love the stars so much. Creepy Jeremy Clarkson has been sacked from the Farmers Inheritance Tax Battle. The TV host, 64, took to the stage at their London March last week while off his trolley on painkillers. The Clarkson's farm star, who clashed with BBC's Victoria Derbyshire, 56, said, before it even left the stage, I was approached by Tom Bradshaw, boss of the National Farmers Union, who made it plain. He didn't want me representing farmers.

It's quite right. I can see where he's coming from. I'm like blotting paper to the Derbyshire's of this world. This is not helpful. Anyway, the headline is, Jetta gets the welly boot. See, yeah. Because farmers wear wellies, you see. They do. I don't get the, what's, I'm like blotting paper to Victoria Derbyshire. His office head on painkillers.

Okay, lastly from me, Britain's highest paid inmates are earning more than many prison officers. Brilliant. The top earning lag had a net salary of £36,715, according to home office data obtained by a freedom of information request last year.

That put them on a par with the average take-home pay of midwives, biochemists and psychotherapists. Prison officers make £28,000 on average, while new recruits get about £24,000 a year. I wonder if this could maybe explain the recruitment crisis. It could, but also what are they doing? They're in jail, aren't they? I don't understand. Drug dealing? Yeah, but you get more, aren't you? And that's not... Yeah, so you don't declare that for tax? The top-ending prisoners are those who are low security prisoners. The top-ending prisoners are those who are allowed to work outside and return at the end of the day.

Oh, okay, fine. So basically, the most lucrative job is driving lorries. Oh, so they go out and drive lorries come back to the meeting. The story raises so many questions, doesn't it? What's the headline?

Lags to riches. That's an amazing story. Jan, you have the sun, right? I do have the sun. And on page three of the sun, we have Adele, superstar singer Adele, no less, who wept when the two-year Las Vegas residency that has banked her, an eye-watering 100 million pounds came to an end. She apparently

to have her makeup reapplied on stage. As she said farewell to her fans, ahead of what she said will be a lengthy break from music and headline, Adele's crying all the way to the bank.

And then on page 17, we learned that Jamie is out of Strictly. He was surprisingly voted out. Everybody had thought he was, you know, dead set for a finalist and all that parlava. Anyway, he's out. Jamie, honestly, Jamie off of EastEnders. I mean, Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie

Who i think it's pix pix who was on love island and he seems to have been on every reality show he's very happy and he's having an affair with his dance partner. Yes it's that's perfectly obvious it seems yes everybody's gasping as as Pete stayed in and Jamie got voted out and the headline is for Pete's sake for peace you know.

Do you think when people get a gig on Strictly and they go home and tell their partners the partners? That's how marriage fucked, isn't it? Yeah. Supposedly what they do. Sorry. What they do is when you get on to Strictly, this is like, probably doesn't happen. So I'm just, please don't sue us. But this probably doesn't happen, but it's what I heard. That when you arrive to Rovert Strictly, come dancing, you get your dance partner. They just go, look, we just shag now.

get it over and done with and then we can go carry on and do the dancing. Well, I think that somebody who has done Strictly Come Dancing and was partnered with Anton Dubeck, I can tell you here now that I did not shag him. But did he offer at the beginning? No, he didn't. That was my great rumor.

He was very much the gentleman. The quite funny thing about partnering Anton was this was like in 2006 or something, was that we'd go for coffee in the coffee shop near where we were rehearsing. And I was the celebrity, obviously, and he was the professional dancer. Everybody recognized him and never been so much more famous than I was, even at that point. I would like to take this moment to dispel the rumours about there being anything between me and Jason Haysley.

Okay, now, oh, this is a very sweet photograph here on page 25 of The Sun of a little pussy cat. A startled cat is rescued by firefighters after getting stuck in a drain pipe. The Moggie, this is strange, a female called John.

She's identifying as John. Was found with her head wedged inside the pipe in a garage roof and the headliners, Oi, get me out of here. Oh, that's great. That's the winner. Well done, those subs. That's a good day. Cat rescued from drain.

Now, on the front page of the sun, there is an interesting piece entitled, Why Mums Like Me Watch Pawn? So, John, as a mum, we've made you read this piece. What did you think? So, firstly, I would like to tell everyone that, like, I told everyone, like, don't worry about this bit, this bit of the show, I'll deal with it. So, the script is entirely empty, except for the phrase, what's your ideal mum, Paul and Jan?

I'm very much enjoyed reading this piece. I think we all know what's going to happen here. Grabbing me all important after school snack and my handbag and coat, I head towards the door. But before I hit the score, I need to do one more thing to prepare myself for my kid's return. Watch a 10 minute porn video.

Many days, as the clock rolls around 2 to 2.45 pm, I reach for my mobile and watch the sexy rump. People who know me would be shocked, but it makes me a calm relaxed mum when I meet the children at the school gates. Nobody's kid deserves a mum who's tightly wound.

And it's nagging them for the minute they step out of school. And after having some me time, which is exactly what my viewing habits are, I am not that tense where mothers, so this is about a mum who likes having a wank. What exactly? It's not really mum porn, is it? It's like a freelancer's lie down before she picks up the, before she picks the kids up. So I should be fair actually, she does say later that sometimes she masturbates while watching. Now the time she watches it just to feel turned on but won't take it any further.

Which is surely making yourself more talk to you. Yeah. And also, when she's... When that bit says that, I just watch it. It's a bit like catching up with the soaps. Do you know what I mean? What's happened today? Well, just check in. There's so many great bits here. There's a sub-head halfway through, it's just reads, favorite just free some.

Favorite is Threesome's. Favorite is Threesome's. Two men, one woman, to be clear, that way round. She makes clothes, she only watches porn where it looks consensual, and I certainly hope that the women aren't being forced to do it.

There's a bit where she like, she tries to talk to one of her friends about it. I thought you were one of her kids. Really sorry I'm late darling. I got very involved. So she went very drunk, she tells her friend, the friend blushed, looked embarrassed and changed the subject and they never brought it up again. I couldn't see the day itself.

As I was convinced she never speaks to me again but when we met for coffee next week she pretended it hadn't happened. Of course she did. What did you expect? So what's the conclusion? Because in these pieces there's normally a kind of vague conclusion because it might be more all to be drawn kind of thing. So there's a bit where she says that normally if she's having sex with her husband it takes a while but if she watches a lot of porn she can be finished in five minutes.

Perfect. You know what it all is in the end then. This is just about the usual mum efficiency. I've got a lot to do, I've got things to get through on my to-do list and this is the way I can get it done really quickly. It's that.

So a couple of conclusions to this. One which is towards the end, there's a step from the dating app. Actually, I'm not going to name it because then we know better, but a dating app about helping people to have affairs who have clearly just produced this entire story, which is why I'm not saying the name. There's a bit where she thinks it feels like a compulsion, almost like vaping. So to the extent that there's a moral of the story, the sun has gone to psychologist Emma Kenny.

And the goal is a sidebar with the words, don't get addicted. Emma Kenny's advice is brilliant. She says, why are you turning to porn? Is it because you're stressed, bored or feeling disconnected from your partner? One should understand the reason you can tackle it head on. For stress, try something calming like yoga or find most of deep breathing. If boredom is the culprit, find something that excites you, whether it's binging a new TV series or diving into a good book. Or knock one off before home's under the hammer.

Change up the moment with something random. If you want to cut back how much you use, next time you fill the urge, do something completely unexpected instead. Blast your favourite song, try 5 minute workout, or even start decluttering that drawer. Oh, that would do it every time. I'm feeling hot. The draw did cuddling. You've got really got me.

So look, Jan, I do have this question written down, isn't it? What is your ideal Namporn? Well, I have to confess that at my state, it's more like Namporn. And I would say that ideal Namporn could be like Jules Hudson off of Escape to the Country, loading wine bottles into the rack in a kitchen island whilst wearing an apron and nothing else.

I don't like an apron with nothing else, though. I don't find that very pretty. I think Jules Holland might be better off in his barber, actually. Yeah, yeah. I do think that there's a part of mum-pum is just removing yourself from the domestic situation. So I do know quite a few mums who are quite like to just break an ankle and have to go to hospital for quite a few days. So they don't have to do anything. And the posh spars are very like that. That's what you're paying to go away and be looked after for a little while.

Yeah, absolutely. Just go away for a bit and think about Pedro Pascal. And that's the end of today's paper clips. Thanks to John. Thank you. And if anyone wants to come and see either me or Miranda talk about our books, we'll both be at the Fools Christmas Day on Thursday night. We will. The Fools on Charing Crossroads. And thanks to Jan. Thank you very much. And don't forget

to join the Paper Cuts Sports Club for fewer ads, more laughs and some excellent extra bits. I've been Miranda Soya and you've been listening to Paper Cuts on a day when Dutch police have discovered a garden gnome made entirely of MDMA. So kids, if you're ever offered drugs, just say gnome. There's no place like gnome. See you on Wednesday where we've got a special episode.

Papercuts is written and presented by me, Miranda Sawyer with John Ellidge and Jan Raven's. Audio production by Jade Bailey, production by Liam Tate. Music by Simon Williams and designed by James Parrot. The managing editor is Jacob Jarvis, the executive producer is Martin Boytosh and the group editor is Andrew Harrison. Papercuts is a podmaster's production.