S9 EP27: No Cupboards For Christmas

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. Hello, I'm Josh Willicom. Welcome to Parent in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting whoa. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing.

Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Will see. Can you say Rob Beckett? Rock Beckett. Can you say Josh Whiddickham? I would say you're a lot of air. Can you say Josh Whiddickham? That's a big anthem. Very good!

Did someone just unzip? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. It's not ideal. Is it Josh ready to come? Zip. You have that effect? Yeah. This is my giant three-year-old wolf saying your name. He's the youngest of three boys. He was a whopper. He was born 11 pounds, 11 ounces. That is too big, isn't it? And he shares clothes with his nearly six-year-old brother. It's fucking hell.

Yeah, okay, this is a bit of fun or craft robe. Yeah, I'm probably Joe's big like that. Yeah, he's big isn't he brother Joe? But he's he's a year old. He's always been my size. I can never remember. I've always presumed he's your older brother. He's a younger. No younger, but he's always until he got taller than me. My brother was all I never remember being bigger than him.

It was always my size. And then when he got to puberty, he went, he's like six foot three. He put on the afterburners. Yeah, it's big old back. He's got such a big back. You know, someone's just so big. Big back, big back. You know, he's not as tall. He's just big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like, he's not overweight. He's in really good shape and he goes running and he exercises. But when he sits on a chair, the chair knows. It's like a big man on me. It's different to a Steve and Merchant, who's just tall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Joe is like, and he doesn't even go do weights, but he's just got like a big back. Yeah, big, big, big, big old back. When he goes, I've told you this before, when we do the rapids at set-up books, he just fills the hole. When you do what? The rapids at set-up books. You have a bit on him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. His whole back, you normally can get a family. I know. You can line a family up normally. Mum's out in the middle, holding the kids' hands. It's just him and his back. It's our raft.

Has he got a partner? You suggested he's too big for love. No, I'm pitching the channel for a documentary, actually. Don't look alone, just he's so big, we can't share a bit. No, what are we? He's got a partner. And what size is his partner? What size is she? Height-wise, she's probably about five foot, six, five foot, seven. Yeah. So it's slightly above average height for a lady. And I'd say she's in quite a sort of like slim athletic build. She's not a big backed woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't like, yeah, I would say Joe's not gone for a, talking a little about my brother and his wife or partner. Do get in touch. I'd say she's got a slim athletic build, whereas Joe is like a wardrobe that's come to life. Yeah, nice, nice. Do get in touch, couples with the biggest height differential.

Oh, that's lovely, isn't it? Yeah. Or particularly if the woman is taller than the man. We want height different height differences, but also a couple of whoppers. Couple of whoppers, get in touch with a couple of whoppers. Are you whoppers? Six foot seven husband, six foot five. Why?

And how big are you kids? Gary Barlow. Although I texted Gary Logan because she put a DM down on Instagram. She put a picture up of her son. Oh, he's a big guy. Yeah. And I said, I said, how have you... Everyone's going on about Baron Trump and Gary?

Gary Barlow, this is your time. And I said, that's my brother, though, because there's a really funny TikTok where it says everyone's laughing about the Gary Barlow's son's high. But then you realize you're actually taller than Gary Barlow's son, and it goes to that thing. But it's not funny, though, is it? Let me follow you, Father. You've cracked me up. I love TikToks. You're on TikTok, really, are you?

I'm an Instagram guy. How tall is he? Who's that? Gary Barlow's son. Six foot two? But Gary Barlow is quite small. Yeah. And I think it was a positioning, because we just had a photo with Richard Osmond, Marina Hyde, and I'm the closest to the camera on the side, and my right tick looks like Katy Price. That's the one you took. I had to unzip, because that zipped up and looked like I tits. Like, chill tits. Like meatloaf in Fight Club.

So I've got a question for you here. Osmond's naturally, because they're in the next studio. Osmond and Hyde, Pod Wars. You know the video of Aerosmith and Run DMC where they smashed the wall between them. That would be it. That's the kind of reference I do. God, look at me. I'm leaning it. I shouldn't have let him in. You've just climbed out of his pocket. This is exactly it. This is the part I want.

No, no, but it's not funny. At the end of the day, it didn't seem it. So he's laughing at bar low, so there you go. How are you, Josh? I'm good. I'm all right. Did we read out who that woman was about her passive son? Of course not, Wilf. Thanks, Rosa and Co. Great little coffee shop, Rosa and Co, isn't it? That's a lot of coffee shop. Yeah. So. Oh, that was the rest of it. I thought she just said. Rosa and Co. Rosa and Co, fair enough. I'm so. Yeah. Things are quite fraught.

Yes, me and Rose keep saying stuff like about how much we miss each other, because we're just not seeing each other. We're just so busy. There's loads of building work going on. So that's on schedule. So... Can I say something? Not everything's going to be finished for Christmas.

Can I say... Do you need cupboards at Christmas? No. You know, because you don't buy loads of food, do you? No, I don't. You don't need to put food anywhere. No, no, no, no. So... I would say it's quite an ambitious, bold strategy to get this kitchen done just before Christmas. Why didn't you just do it after Christmas? Because we wanted to get it done, Rob. Right. So last week was in Airbnb, and I came back... Do you think you and Rose, and I think me and Lou do this, get excited by something and rush it rather than planning it and executing it in a timely fashion?

No, but it's interesting that that's what you and Lou do. Yeah, no. I just want to do it because there's nothing to think about. I think kitchen was perfectly functioning. I know. I don't know if I've said this before. We moved in when Rose was pregnant with our first child. Yeah. And we built the house, do not design. The house has been there about 200 years. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, we built three houses, one out of straw, one out, no, we designed the house, did the interior design, by people that didn't know what you needed when you had two kids. So we have to do this at some point. Yes. And we were like... In November, just before Christmas? Well, then it's done for Christmas. But it's not. Well, we'll see. Well, you've just said it's not. No, no, no, it's mainly done for Christmas. We've not got cupboards for Christmas. It's a great film. No cupboards for Christmas.

No cupboards if he's learned this Christmas. Rob, thank God it's me not you, right? So this is what I came home to when I went to feed the cat. Oh, yeah. I hadn't considered that while we were doing the kitchen, we were doing other things as well. Love what?

What's happening there? That's our bedroom. What's happening to your bedroom? Well, no, our bedroom's fine. It's just... What the fuck's that room? That's the bathroom. Look, Josh, you're renovating your entire house. No, we're just doing the bathroom in the kitchen. And your bedroom? No, the bedroom's just a holding... And your bedroom's a holding point for the stuff that was in the bathroom, isn't it? And the front room, your... The front room's done. But you've redone your front room. We've done that.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. You've repainted it, yeah. Yeah, but you're refurbined base at your whole house. Yeah, we're doing them, yeah. Why don't it won't be ready? Two, you're going to move. We're not going to move. You are paper over the cracks. No, we're not paper over the cracks. You're the only person interested. Why is it you need the most, you and Rose, and this is that prompted all this?

Say the word, to live where we live, because we love it. No, I didn't ask that. I know you love it. But what thing has prompted this that you need in that house with two kids? Storage. Thank you. And space. Well, I didn't want to say it. Because I knew where you were trying to make me. I knew where you were going. I wasn't struggling to come on the other way. We've all had a move around in positions, and let's turn the sofa that way. You can't make space. We've got a lot of space. We haven't got enough for London.

for a couple in London. For a couple in East London. For the two people that work in a media in London with no kids, there's loads of space. Just so. But it's fine, there's life in it, you'll do that one up and then it'll be easier to sell it and you buy it. We're not moving. We're not moving. Okay, right, let's stop. I just, you know my feelings on this, you know what I've predicted. I know your feelings are there. I'll shut up now and just wait for that to happen in a few years.

It's absolutely nailed on. Where do you think we're moving? Where do I think you're moving? Ideally for you, the same area. But there's no big houses in the area. You wait till one pops up, Rose will be all over it like a rat up a drone pipe. There's no big houses in the area. It's east London. Yeah, I know. So you might have to move out a bit. I don't want to move out. I'm just saying, you might think it's changed. No, no, no.

Things famously never change. No, you must, yeah, yeah. That's, if I've learned one thing in life, it's that things never change. Yeah, something that, you know, something you're completely into, absolutely love, you will do that forever. How has been sober? It's good actually. A lot more space than the house now, I'm not sleeping on a sofa. Are you guys to be next year? I think we are actually. Do you want to go? You said you did want to go?

I didn't say that. I mean, I'd say I'm indifferent. Right. That's why it's a good start for a weekend away. I'd say, what, I'm indifferent about it. I'd say there's a lot on the line-up for me, and the odds aren't looking good. Do people like tickets for the line-up? It sells out before the line-up. Do you care about Olivia Rodrigo? No, but my girls do. Yeah. But we shouldn't be going anymore. Festivals for young people.

We are young. We aren't. We are. You're just a Gabby Logan's midlife crisis park. I just had a phone with Marina Hyde and got very excited. I'm young and happy. You've literally done the midlaid. Was it called a midlaid midpoint? Midpoint. Midpoint. The midlife crisis. Good exercise. Do listen. No.

Good podcast. I love Gabby. You shouldn't be going to watch Olivia Rodriguez in a field. I'm not going to. You might go and watch the beautiful South in a different field. Anyway, the house is the best. That's frantic. You're not seeing roads last week. We just don't see much of each other. Are you sexually active? No, I'm not sexually active from. That's an accusation. That's not an accusation. That's a question.

No, because I don't see my wife at all. When we were in the Airbnb, we were sleeping on different floors. Why? Because my son wanted to sleep in our room. Yeah, it's fine. But then my daughter wanted her own room. Yeah. But the bedrooms wanted different floors and it would have been... And their strange house. Yeah, I couldn't just leave her on the top floor on her own. Very enough. But then I was just in this bedroom on my own, like I'd kind of been caught.

cheating. Do you know what I mean? You've been sent to the spare room. Yeah. We're going to be caught cheating. What do you mean? You imply that you cheat but you just haven't been caught yet. No, I've never cheated. I'll be honest with you. I've had this discussion with a friend recently. I can't believe the admin it would take.

that freeing up that time in the schedule would be insane. Fuck you, how the texts, these people that have got two different families concurrently. Yeah, you know those people. How you can do that? How the fuck are you doing that? You can be banging away in a premiere in there. Like, I've got Joe Lycy on Zoom in half hour. Fuck! Hurry up! Fuck that!

Anyway, what were we talking about? Life. Life. Kids. You've had a stressful week. Well, didn't I speak to you Tuesday, Thursday? Last week? I can't remember. I don't think I'd process what would have gone on. Lou was so, so unwell. She's better now. Yeah, you were quite kind of like flippant with it. Well, you did send me a selfie from A&E. Yeah, so she had to go in A&E and went on a drip, and then she had to have these antibiotics for a bacterium. The crown tense content at the end of the day, Rob. But when she was in the bar, she had low blood pressure dropped, and her hands feet and mouth were paralyzed, and she called for help, and I had to help her.

It was only later on in the week when I had space. Basically, I was so busy because she was so ill. She just was in bed. She tried to get up in the morning. You didn't even see something. You're going to pass out, go away. You're going to bed. Basically, all week last week, I was up at 6.30 every day, school run into London, recording, doing stuff, filming. It should be easier if you lived in London.

I'll pull you up on that, you pair of fucking weasels. I was in here first at 10 a.m. You little London rats turned up quarter past, so there's pastry on the way. I was meeting you in Leon. And I did a school rub. I did the school rub. I did the school rub. For the countryside. Sitting in this chair. And you each did it for me. Sitting in this chair. Sitting in this chair. I've been Robbie Williams in his old take that manager over there. Oh no, do you mind me? Oh, L.A. Michael. And you come in, like, anyway. You can't add to your tasks sitting in this chair.

I've come here and sat here waiting for everyone to do their jobs. I was meeting you in Leon, and we went to the wrong Leon's. Anyway, so in London all day, and then I'd five gigs last week in the evening, warm up for the tour. So essentially, five days... So what was happening in the evening was Lou able to...

Monday and Tuesday, Lou's been working, but the lady that picks up the kids from school normally brings them home, but she stayed until bedtime, Monday, Tuesday, then Wednesday, Lou's mom and dad got them and brought them back, then Thursday, Lou's mom and dad got them and brought them back as well, and then Friday, Lou was well enough to pick them up, but those days

I was leaving the house at 7.30, and then I was getting home at 1.30 a.m. from the gigs, going to sleep for four or five hours, up again, and I was so exhausted, so tired, and like the gigs was really hard, because I'm just like, the gigs were all right when I was doing the stuff, but when I was getting heckled by people that were too drunk, you're just like, oh mate, I've not got this in the tank here, just shut the fuck up or get out. You know that would be quite a good heckle put down, just go, I've got an ill wife at home I don't need. My wife's still, I've been upstairs, I don't fucking, it's hard enough about you chipping in.

It's relentless. I am trying my best. For the love of God, give me a fucking break. I'm a man on the edge. Fucking, do you want? Leave me alone. Leave me alone to do my job. If you do that, you can completely kill the vibe of the night's own. Right? Is your 25 quid? Fuck off home. Fuck off home. It's 50. It's 50. Get out.

But I don't want to bless her. Anyway, guys. Has anyone noticed about ordering a curry? It's a beans on top of such a nice. Right? Oh, they're all even. I don't know if there was this lady or she was a bit drunk. She was nice though because sometimes people a bit drunk and they're nice. I was talking about going to Australia and stuff and customs being a bit like intense. And then as I do it, it said, yeah, she was all drunk. You can see all a bit like floppy and loose with then over and started telling her, mate. And you can see people looking around. So it's difficult because you don't know whether to like call them out on it. But whenever people start noticing and it

So I was like, what's got on there to it? Oh, I'm just telling her about the time that when I went to Australia, I had some biscuits in my bag, and then I've got to take them out, and then I told her to store about having biscuits in the bag. And I was like, all right, OK. And then I went, well, that's fine if you want to tell you mate that, but I'm here for a half hour.

and I've spent a year getting all this stuff together, but I'm sure your biscuit story is fucking gold. However, you might see your mate after this and you could tell her the biscuit stuff, because I do more one. It's so awkward. It's so awkward, because... I went to see a comedian last year, and there were some annoying people there. Yeah, it's frustrating. And he dealt with it really well, but as a comedian, I could tell it.

Do you know what I was like? He's been polite, but he fucking hates these pricks. When you're doing it four or five times a week on tour, I love doing it, but it is your job. So it's like any job where depending on what's going on at home, depending on what your energy levels are in the tank, it affects how it goes. Also, one, just to say to people listening, it's not as big a thing that happens as often as you think when you don't go to comedy. What's that? Cackling.

Well, he's only been heckling just sort of, but for me, heckling I don't want too much. But it doesn't drink people chatting. That's the worst because it's not like, if they go, Beckett, where's Josh? You can deal with that, whatever. It's not fine. But when they're just like, and it's not loud enough to... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because people right at the back again, what? I don't know what's going on. So it was a really busy week. And because I hadn't really processed how actually traumatic it was seeing Lou in this sort of, I thought she had a stroke basically for 10 minutes until we worked it out. And then I was walking through Soho going from doing the voiceover of a parrot to the Lego Christmas launch. I think the thing is though, when your works as important as yours, you've got to do it because otherwise the world will stop turning.

Like, I know your wife's ill, but there's a- I cannot change your schedule. There's a greater good here, Lou. There's the world relies on me to bring happiness. Yes, I've got to be the voice of Enzo the Parrot in the Grand Prix film, and then I've got to go on a phone with cataclaws. Exactly. Exactly. Anyway, because I was like rushing around. I'm sorry if I'm saving lives, but- Oh, well, saving lives on Sunday. Yeah. Getting off off the floor. Her guitars walk along.

And because I could see the sort of like the end of the week coming, of where it was actually coming down a bit. And I was a bit like, and it was like Christmas lights and stuff like that. And it was all a bit like, I basically started thinking about Lou when she was on, well, at the Sunday, and just burst into tears. Because I basically just buried it in five days. And then I wish I'd been walking down the street the other way.

But you'll just, cause I'll build it and it just all came out. Yeah. And you don't, yeah. And maybe it's just because of the way your career's going as well. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.

It was quite an overwhelming week, but then we had a lovely Sunday where we just did nothing, stayed in, got the Christmas decorations out, we put all the Christmas decorations up. Yeah, we've discussed this week. We've had a roasting at what time of celebrity? Yes, please. Now, the date today is the 18th of November. Absolutely. On the 17th. Yeah. And what? And what? So, right here. I know what you're going to say. Are you mentally unwell like Bob?

No, okay. Christmas trees up outside Charing Cross Station. Yeah. So they're allowed to do Christmas and I'm not in my house? No, no, no. It's all right. I actually, I mean, favour my daughter this weekend, created a Christmas playlist. Oh, yeah. She's learnt how to do a Spotify playlist. The thing is, your house is uninhabitable. You kind of put your coat on a hat, Hank. That'd be a comedy dust. There were a butter tree up. Fuck me. My asthma has been off the hook.

because of this dust, it's mental. So when are they gonna be gone? Rose is speaking to them today, but I think probably two to three weeks. Two to three weeks from today. Yeah, so kind of. So that'll definitely be three. Yeah. And that'll be completely finished, but no cupboards for Christmas. No, there are cupboards, just not all of the cups. They'll be gone by the night for December.

I'm not putting a date on it now when I don't have it. You're not fucking Laura Coons. I'll get benefited out. I started by saying Rose is speaking to them today. I'm going to do it with an exact date. I'll stick that in Josh kitchen finish. There's two stages. And then I'll come around for a couple of sudden. So the thing that's problematic is the guys at the moment who are doing all the structural stuff to the side return. Yeah. Okay. So a bit of fun.

don't even know what it means. But side return does it, back return is like bum up. That would be right. And then you end up at side return. It's not. Yeah, what's that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

each to the road. Each to the judge. We are not here to king shame. Obviously, you're the fucker here. Go, go, fucker away. So that's stage one. So then obviously the kitchen's got to be put it. So they're the builders on the same. Oh my God. So I'm not going to start putting the kitchen into the middle of December. No, early December. Right. OK. And then that will be done. Yeah. So you'd be able to cook Christmas dinner will be cooked. It shows where to come.

Yeah, but will I be able to come round the night for December? No, you won't be invited. OK, well, if you were there, could you cook yourself breakfast in the kitchen night for December? Yeah, I could make a bottle of cornflakes. Right. So you won't have a kiss over? No, I don't know. All right, OK. We've still got the cookers, so the cooker will still be there. Well, that's good. Hopefully. I've had quite a stressful week myself, Rob. Good work. I wasn't going to bring out work. All right. I did three separate corporate events. Yes. I'm a bit mad. Right, OK. But industries.

Be careful what you've said about this, because in the past, there are people complaining. Other way. Well, I have. Go on. Are utilities? Absolutely. Big fan of those. Fashion. Oh. They were very dapper. A bet. An IT. Nice. Good mix. Good mix. Yeah. I was going a bit mad by the end of the third one. Just the 33 awards that I got to give out. I gave out almost 100 awards last week. Sometimes when I do the awards, I'm like, is there anyone in this one? It's not one.

Yeah. Could you possibly sit the winners at the front? Yeah. I've never been nominated anything at the podcast at Walmart. No, you have to enter yourselves. What kind of fucking award is that? I think you do at the bathtas as well. Did you? I've not ended myself. No, no. Someone had entered you for you. Did I? Yeah. Romage. It is all the paperwork. He's got time on his hands. Oh, fucking hell. Well, how have I got to a point in my life where I'm wearing a hoodie designed by Romage?

How is England calm? I turned off. This is a point where you go, who are we anymore? I turn up for my dance training and I'm complimenting. I'm a dancer and I'm complimented on my hoodie that's designed by Romesh. The world's got mad. The world's got mad. I'm ordering now hoodies. Yeah.

for professional dancers, through rummish. The rummish is designed. I know it's great calls, calm, you know, I've been in hell. But stuff after stick on my Instagram, we've rummish his face on, through this calm, it's damaging my man, you know. I'm having to bring the outline, clever. I just keep, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going to donate to his marathon.

I'm exhausted. So it's been a stressful week. The kids are off school, and my daughter is ill. Oh, right. I've got to have her off term. No, no, no, no, no. It just is mad how much you have no plan B. Yeah, if they don't go to school, it's just mad. But obviously, it has to be, because you can't employ someone just in case they go like a standby. Someone like a standby. Like, you know, like they do on a panel track. Yeah, we've got her just in case a sick baby sitter on a 35 grand a year.

It just sits outside the house in case one's got a cold. She sits in her car all day. What a job. She's got a big red phone at the school and call. You're just begging them not to be ill. So what did you do then? You just blew off to work and let Rose deal with it like normal. No, I didn't actually. I did my last leg zoom with my daughter in the room. Oh, yeah. So that was the Wednesday. At least they're at the age now where they kind of sit there and... Yeah, she walked around and do all that. She's got into Saturday night entertainment in a big way, Rob. OK. Well, she didn't see her.

From watching Strictly, she then, she watches gladiators. Yeah. And then she just stayed on and watched The Wheel run Saturday. She started watching The Wheel. It's just a quiz show that spins over, isn't it? It's like, what? I wouldn't call it like, it's not like Saturday night takeaway, is it? No, I'm a big fan of Michael. I'm a big fan of The Wheel. I mean, it was good, but it was like that kid-friendly. No, no. What is in it for a seven-year-old? Yeah. Like, she's not getting any of the answers. She doesn't, no disrespect, no who Jordan North is. Peter Andre didn't even get the answers, and he was on it, and he's an adult. Exactly.

When they asked him for one of the seven dwarves, he said, an or deck. And lost a person money. What? You know when it goes round and you've got a gig? The £1,000 thing. He went for the joke, over the... Yeah. Oh, God. Now, I'm employed as a comedian, Rob. Sometimes. But not always. We watched...

I'm a straight man. I'm a straight man. Well, you're the last thing. I am both on this and the last leg. I put in the effort. But everyone's here for the working class guy.

But, um, we watched Blankety Blank year on it. Did you know what you do on Blankety Blank that's good for? Go on. I know you're a comedian. Yeah. You try to answer the question properly. It drives me mad. It drives me mad. It drives me mad. It drives me mad. It drives me mad. It drives me mad. It drives me mad. It drives me mad.

Someone's playing for a fucking 600 quid, mate. He's trying to buy a... He's trying to win some garden furniture, but he lives in a flat. Yeah. Exactly. He's trying to win a prize. He's going to sell on eBay immediately. And there's some guy writing a long, funny answer. You're like, go fuck yourself. I hate that. This is a game. Yeah.

But be funny around it. Trust yourself to be funny when you're not playing the game. I like to think myself a bit of a laugh, but when it comes to blanketing blank, when you deliver your blank, go for the correct answer. Correct! Bander on the edge. Exactly! Bander on the edge. Sorry. I need to declare that because we've watched Bander on the edge. It's a toast. But the edge is middle does itself. Do you know that? No. When you're buttering toast. But the edge is middle does itself. Fuck off. Don't start the middle. Do the edges, middle does itself. Does it?

I don't know, but my aunt Dolly's always said that. Did she? Yeah, yeah. Fucking hell, I'll try that. Yeah, that's something we'll try live. She had a, is it called a humanitarian humanist, burial? What's it called? Humanist. Humanist. That non-religious funeral. I thought I'd expect that, because she's quite old and all the old girls are scared of God and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Respect, aren't they? Yeah, I'm going to be robbed. I'm going to go full religious. Oh, yeah. Even though I'm not. I just think the chaffin' ones are long, ain't they? Oh, I get the fucking Smokey Bear out.

Oh, have you been to a Catholic wedding? Not my scene. No, it's long, isn't it? No, no, no. No problem with them. No problem with them. No problem with them. Oh, bit of a problem with religion, but not church rings. Some of the people in the talk. Well, he's had to call it a day any. Do you know what I think they should do with the church? Yeah. Because there's a lot of bad press about all that kind of stuff. No. Just why don't we just stop having choir boys for a bit? It's not the worst idea in the world. Why don't we just go from now on just for a bit whilst we get our ass in order. Adult choir only. And if the kids are desperate, go, we'll find somewhere else for you to sing. Yeah.

Just, let's just, if I'm getting a job of editing a church, let's just eat it off. If you get made Archbishop of Canterbury. If I get made Archbishop of Bloody Bantabry. Archbishop of Bloody Bantabry. Let's modernise this church. Let's stop quiet boys for a bit. Anyway, go on. The wheel, fuck me. This week's episode of The Wheel. Yeah, go on. It was one of the most emotional bits of television I've ever seen. Oh, a woman won 100 grand. Jesus. Yeah. Peter André won on them.

She went under grand. She'd never bought a house. She wanted to buy a house. She was 58. And then her husband, who she'd been with since school, ran out and they embraced. And her job was helping people in later life care. The researcher on that show. Oh my god. I bow. Yeah. Better than my episode where no one won.

No fucking hell, that was a bleak walk home back to the dressing room. I'll tell you that. Michael Sheen, head in hands. Aw, awful. Anyway, she's got into Saturday night TV. Do you know what's happening? My kids have been outside night TV. I think, because children rebel, I think, because you live in Caul East London, you're creating this sort of quiet, chill, suburban, mainstream kid, where I think I'm going to create two alternative monsters.

Yeah, exactly, Rob, they kick against you. Exactly. Have you tried to get in the time of a celebrity? Because that's your jam, isn't it? That is my jam. It's on too late, so I don't know. I think I might get them, I might show them a little bit of it, recordings here for like it. But they do, do they do Mars singer? They like Mars singer too, clearly. They used to love trailer, gone a bit off it recently. They don't like blind people. Yeah, no choice.

Oh, he's been like that, don't know why. They loved it with a little little, now a bit not desperate to watch it. I think there's someone who'll win them back. I think there's a little dogs coming up that's going to Britain's Got Talent, no. No, no, no. Glad he ate us. Love glad he ate us. They love that, yeah. I was interested at the school, I've noticed. Tell me what you think about this. Also, one, I keep doing dad jokes and they're coming out of nowhere. So, you know, Teddy swims a singer. You've been doing that for your whole career, mate. Well, I don't think you could even call them dad jokes or sort of talking fast. But you know, Teddy swims a singer. No. You guys.

Someone got a hold of me like that. One of them ones. Right. I'll tell you. They went, oh, I like this song. I went, oh, I talk about a sing. And they were like, what? And I'm like, why am I doing this? Because one of them was young enough to believe it. And I'm like, what am I doing here? What am I doing here? Is it just attention I want just to bring it back to me? Because they're listening to a song and they're like, what am I now creating this little lie? I'm tired. I don't need to be doing this. I'm just sitting in silence driving.

I'm just sitting here crying because I cry processed Lou being ill. I told you about the crazy frog. By the end of the week, I literally said to girls, I went, I can't do the crazy frog anymore. I've got nothing left. Exactly. I've got nothing left here. I don't mind you picking, but let's just go like Taylor Swift or normal songs. I can't handle the crazy frog. I can tell crazy sounds.

So, I noticed, you know, what do the teachers call you at school if you go in and it's like, me? Yeah, that Mr. Whittaker. I don't know, they wouldn't call him Mr. Whittaker. I don't know if they use my name, do you know what I mean? A couple of some times, I feel like some of them I know a bit better that I've been through the school with, like the teachers or teaching assistants might say, Rob, but a lot of the time, like they say, oh, Mr. Beckett, I think Mr. Beckett, you know, there's a guy who helps get the kids out of the car, like in the site team, but I think Mr. Beckett or Sir, like, oh, Sir, I think, you know, those sort of polite words,

But I found there's a couple of people at school that are doctors that they call a doctor, so-and-so. And actually, one of them, I've actually seen, you know, when you sign in to visit it, I'll just put like, I'll back it, I'll rob back it. They'll put a doctor in this. It's over your front. It's a thing. I don't know if that's a thing. And then they medical doctors. That's not all of us, you know, a couple of them. I don't know. I don't know them. But I've just seen it on the form, or I've heard someone go, oh, doctor, so-and-so come this way. But they're like, they're not there as a doctor, they're there as a Karen. Yeah. But I didn't know if doctors used their, like, I wouldn't.

Well, if you were knighted, you wouldn't sign in as Sir Josh Whittaker. No, I wouldn't know. Obviously, Rob, I'd reject it, because I'm too fucking edgy to be knighted. Would you reject it? Well, it will never come up. I don't know if I would, I think I'd probably take it for the... You would definitely take it. You'll be up there, Rush Puppies on, Rose Errol, glammed up, you'd be a little band. Would it be one up from Adam Hill's MBE? King Charles, stooping down to pin it on your... You'll be gone by the time I'm knighted.

You're right, King George William. You're not one of the kids, but it's a Charlotte doing it. You're right, you're free. And you're lying on Blair era.

Oh God, I've got a bike shed. I still haven't put up. It's been on my patio just in the rain for a week now. I don't know when I'm going to do it, Josh. I think you're kitchen be done before I've done that. One word, air tasker. Do you know what? Or any of the rivals that are just as good as to be clear. I've also got flushes at working in my toilet. And the lot downstairs toilet, lot's right. Just get a fucking handy man round. And I've got loads of pictures to hang out. Just admit who you are. You are not a man who can put up a bike shed. Could've stopped there. Yeah, just imagine.

You were not mad. I need someone to do these jobs for me. Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with that, because my view on these things is, get somebody who's just do it called air tasker. You put it on, this is what I do, and there's other versions of it, so I'm not on promo here, so there's websites where you can just put it on, and then people bid on the job. So you say, I want this, this, this, and this. And they bid on that job. And you give your round price. I don't know if I'm a strange man coming to my house after an auction.

Rob, what have you got to do? Put some pictures up. You're not going to be able to put a fucking picture up. No, I've got to fix the locks. Well, I'd fix the locks. These are important things up. Yeah. And the flash needs sorted. And I need some stuff framed. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's a different job completely. You can't do that. Yeah, but it's a different job. You can't have a mango. Can you fix the toilet and frame this picture? You can't be doing that. Well, you're an employee. Well, you shouldn't have been then.

Keep your hand down in the video room mate. Why is my picture wet? Well I've had my hand down to you band.

But this is my view on these things, Rob. When you work freelance, it would be better for you to spend that time doing work to pay someone else who knows how to do it, to do that. Yeah, but I'm not sure that the person bidding on it, so I can know how to do it. I'm not saying I need a company. I just get a person. I need a Bromley-based handyman, I trust. Well, I know. How do you trust them? You can give a shit about us. They've got reviews, Rob. Oh, OK. They've got reviews. I just don't know about going on the internet to find a man. Wow.

It's a new one also. Are you a new man? Or a woman? Yeah, or a woman. Do you know what's weird though? He's like, if we went on air task, all right, whatever he's called, and got like a handyman person to come around and fix all the stuff. And he was really attractive. Yeah. I'd be like, wouldn't think of anything obvious. I was actually a handyman's quite attractive for whatever. However, if I want an air tasker, and there's a modern man, I was like, I don't see gender, I just want the right person for the job. And then a really fit woman came round to fix all the stuff. I think little bit like, what the fuck you doing?

That's just the person that won the bit. No, she's got the best reviews. Yeah. My friend, they were getting a babysitter, I think. I'm not asking. No, no, no. I stopped saying a task. I just feel like we've given about £10 billion worth of advertising. Well, not a moment. You're just selling children on it.

So he went trafficking. My friend got, they got a babysitter and his wife got the shortlist. She sent him the descriptions. Yeah. She said which one and he chose one and she said, yeah, there was a reason I sent just the descriptions and she sent him the photo of the one that he'd rejected and it was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. She was that unlucky.

We're doing this face to face. Do you want to see how ripped I am? You've got to take yourself off. Keep being complimented on my dancer's physique. Right, when? When you're dancing. Susie Ruffle complimented it on me on it. You're not turning her, are you? I just thought well. You'd like to have that. What a gossip that'll be. Josh would have come got so ripped. Susie Ruffle went straight. Can you show us your bod?

Look at this. We'll show the camera. Let's show it. Yeah, let's go. I don't know what I'm feeling about this. Come on. Come on. What do you want me to touch you? A little bit. So what's the best bit? I don't know what you're best for. I'll be honest. Michael said we have five minutes to fill and I panicked.

What's the best bit? Well, I don't know what you want me to touch or look at. But you'll do it in quite quick. Oh, yes. Solid. Yeah, well done. I've failed.

I'm so annoyed that I'm doing this before Christmas, so all the good work will go out the fucking window by January. Celebrate the glass of champagne in you, or you can't have that anymore in your dusty kitchen. A dusty kitchen. Have a glass of schlur. Yeah. Are you eating well to be good at dancing, or just any what you want? Oh really? Chris Ramsey about this. Okay. Chris Ramsey said the best thing about it is you can eat whatever you want.

Because he's got in shape. Did he carry that on after Shritley? He did 13 weeks of it. It just kick-started it. Yeah. You're not doing it next year. I'm not kidding. I know who's doing it next year. Already. I met someone last night. Yeah. And he kept asking me about it in the way that... Oh, is it unbelievable? You know when... Because Shritley's like, am I five? Oh, no, no, no. He's not doing it. He's not doing it. But I'm just saying, I bet this person would want to. You know when someone asks you what it's like having kids and you're like, oh, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was it?

Ooh, I like that. I'm up for that. Yeah? Yeah. I think it'd be brilliant. I think it'd be great. You could have a fake tan spray. I think so. Yeah. That's what I want to see when you close off.

I'm not going to be able to say really for the week. Any correspondence, Michael? Richard Osman's coming in and fill some time. Ask her. You had to go into Richard Osman and rain a hide and do a bit of that. To be fair, they've got a podcast about entertainment and the question was directly about me. I was in the next room. I can't just go, Richard, do you mind coming in? What for? We've run out of stuff to say and we've got to do two more minutes. What's it like being told?

He's got into tweed jackets, doesn't he? He's always wore tweed, don't he? How's he? In my head, if I picture Richard Osman, he has got on a pair of light denim jeans. Converse. Black converse, or white converse, and then a big suit jacket. It's a good game, actually. I'm going to name some celebs. You tell me what they're wearing. OK.

They seem can't film five minutes. Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell. Pointy black quinkle pickers. Really light denim, but the back all frayed by the heel where the Cuban heel's been rubbing on it. Then a really skin tight deep V back t-shirt. You see either that or a big white V shirt. Yeah, like a white V shirt is why. And it's either that or he's on the back of a jet ski with a life jacket on. Yeah, Ricky Gervais.

Old record device, sort of black jogging bottoms, black trainers and a terribly ill fit, in tight t-shirt. Whatever physique he's in, because sometimes he's in like super fit running every day, and then sometimes he's not running every day, same t-shirt. I just don't think he bars a new t-shirt. No, this is a good one. Go on. Same every time. Kevin Bridges. Kevin Bridges. Black shirt, black jacket, black trousers, black shoes.

Romage. Occasionally he'll wear jeans in a hoodie when I see him. Yeah, he will, he will. Romage. Romage just changes looks like. He'll probably be a pair of Nike Patter trainers. He's started to wear sort of like combat-y trousers now with a t-shirt and sort of like a quite cool sort of jacket that he has buttoned up but just sort of the top two buttons and the rest of them. Yeah, there we go. Send in your celebs and we'll tell you what they're wearing. I don't know if that's a good bit. Michael, was that good or was that shit? It's probably staying in. It's probably staying in rough. I love it. I don't like it. I love it.

It's probably staying in. The vote of confidence that gets you to number one. What you wouldn't used to wear, used to wear converse dark jeans and a blue Oxford shirt from Uniqlo. Yeah. Classic widicum. Yeah. Now you've gone for nights. Occasionally you wear the smart jacket and trousers that Rose picked out for you as your smart outfit. Yeah. Hi, Robin Josh. This incident only happened just a few minutes ago. Oh. I'm writing to you from the corner of my bedroom as a form of therapy.

because I don't know what else to do right at this moment. I'd say you've probably made the wrong decision, but it's too late now. My youngest son, age three, has been having some fairly significant anger management issues of late. It's been a journey. Epic tantrums, major anxiety, et cetera. Four weeks ago, he was even kicked out of his daycare after months and complaining about his behavior. It's been stressful. My husband and I have been working full time from home for four weeks, juggling him while we try and land a nanny. None of this is the point of the story.

You just need to know that. Why are you fucking telling us? You just need to know that it's been seriously dispersed recently and it's seeing a cycra's emotional regulation. I feel bad now. No, you'll be great. No, I feel bad to try to light it. Now I'm the bad guy. You're just trying your best.

to keep the ball in the air. I know. And what did I do with that ball? I grabbed it and shoved it down a three-year-old's head that's done a tough time. Exactly. That's not why they're riding. So, enter Nana, the mother-in-law, who has flown in from interstate for the school holidays. We're in Australia. Wow, okay.

with no family living within 24 hours drive of us, usually. 24 hours drive. That's not even a thing. You can drive anywhere for 24 hours. You're the way you live, see me. Would you be able to drive to the top and back of Britain in 24 hours easily? Easily, yes. That's about 16 hours. 24 hours drive, depending on diversions. With no family living. Well, it's the point of this mess.

24 hours driver, usually my husband and I have taken the opportunity to leave the kids with Nana this week and go to the office and feel like humans again. It's all been going so well. Oh, the nan's not fucking issue. The angry three-year-old has been behaving impeccably with Nana. Lovely work. Well done in the state, Nana. We've all been living in a momentary bliss bubble until

this evening. When I got home from work, three-year-old lost his shit and had one of the most inconsolable tantrums yet. He was kicking off massively and Nana went over and whispered something his ear and the tantrum stopped in his tracks. I thought this was a playground chagga's story. I was like, where the fuck is this?

I thought the man started shagging, then when she said she'd come over and thought, is the husband shagging the man? And the, what's going on? And the husband shagging his own mum? The kid is. So where's the playground? The kid's reacting because he knows this and he's keeping this secret. I bet he knew he's known for years that the man's been shagging her own son. Yeah. Oh my God. No, so it's a famous story.

Thank God! I'm fucking God! Oh God! I'm sorry. We'll do the playground shag from Friday. Yes, do that on Friday. Gee whispered something in his ear. The tantrum stopped. His face turned ashen. He sat down on the floor. Apologised profusely to Nana. Staying straight ahead with a sort of blank zombie light. Yes, my oppressor gaze. Then proceeded to proactively take himself to bed. Oh God. This is through this game. Nana, then turned to my husband. Unzipped his flies.

No, no, then that's how I don't... No, no, I drove 24 hours for this shit.

It's not fair. Sorry. You started it. Now and inside I am knowingly and said, see, I know how to handle a three-year-old. And in that moment, I really did feel like maybe I've been failing massively as a parent. Oh, God. Till I went downstairs, said good night, and he was hiding in the corner under a blanket. Oh. Petch-Fry's chit-less. This is a terrible story. Yeah. The kid proceeded to tell me, the last three days,

Nana had been telling him that it's a bad, bad man that comes in the night and takes angry boys away forever. Oh, no. Oh, no. And Nana just told me he's waiting out in the front in the car. Oh, no. No, no. Bad. That's bad parenting. Bad parenting. Bad boomer parenting. I mean, even I'm terrified sitting here in the corner of my bedroom writing to you guys, I'm sure I had to broach this with Nana or my husband. Well, I'll keep it a secret advice. I'd say that, look,

This child is obviously angry, okay, which is not ideal for... No, but those are things that you can sort out by... No, but being... He's not angry because he's decided to be angry. Something's making him angry. So by selling him, if you're angry, someone will get you. That's not solving the root cause of the problem. The root proves the problem. It might, for maybe 20 years, but then it's gonna be true. Oh, no, yeah, it's...

In the short term of getting into bed, but you can terrify someone to go into bed. But yeah, no, you need to get to the root cause. But I think maybe, Karen will walk from home and say to them, Anna, thanks for your help, but that's enough. Tell the boy that that's all a lie. That's nonsense, don't listen to her.

to leave. Yeah, so I think send Nana home, tell the boy that that's a lie, that's not true, Nana was lying, don't listen to Nana, and then carry him with what you're doing at the moment because it sounded like that was helping before. But yeah, oh God, do you know what though? I just, I really thought it was going to end up with someone who was shagging at school. Yeah, I misread this. Let's do the Chagawan on Friday. So, well, business shout out.

OK, this was left in my dressing room in Newbury. Oh, yeah. Hi, Rob. A long time listener to the podcast. I'm really looking forward to seeing you tonight and Josh in April. For the record, I would have driven all the way to Reading to see you both. She's in Newbury. Oh, well, good on you. I am doing Reading. Yeah, but also, you have about 20 minutes in it. Yeah, yeah. That's not the biggest claim. Yeah, exactly.

I'd love if you give me a small bit to shout out. A few years ago, pre-Christmas, I was drowning in old toys and completely pissed off from having to do that stupid elf on a shelf. In a parenting hack moment of inspiration, I decided to make the elf work for me and designed a reverse Santa sack.

An alternative sack to be delivered to the North Pole along with a letter from an elf called Sprinkles which asked my children to donate their old toys to be replaced by elves for other children. It worked brilliantly so I made them for friends and returned to Santa was born. It's a brilliantly family tradition opened up a lot of discussions about the importance of giving at Christmas.

The cherry shops we donated to were so grateful to have your donations ahead of Christmas, too. You can find me at return to Santa.co.uk or return to Santa on Insta. I've enclosed a sample for the girls and one for Josh and family. He needs all the help clearing the knickknacks he can get. There we go. I've got it here, Josh, so what you get is a... Well, that's your card. Oh, thank you. From the lady. Yeah, so you get a letter? Yeah.

You can see it's on the camera. A letter from the desk of Santa Claus. There you go. That's from sprinkles of elf asking for the children to put toys and teddies. They don't use any more dough in this bag. Lovely donation. And then you can fill up the sack. It's quite a good fun for the kids, isn't it?

That is great. And then it's got a dress on it. Dear Santa, I've outgrown these toys. Please share them with other good girls and boys. And then you can fill that up and send it to Santa out slash take it to a local charity shop. That is beautiful. Beautiful. That's Charlotte at return to Santa.co.uk. That is excellent.

Dear Josh and Rob, I listened to your podcast religiously and it brightens up my daily commute no end. I was listening to episode 11, Python on the loose, don't remember it. And her Josh mentioned he had seen an advert for a donkey meet and greet. And so it gave me an idea to ask for a small business shout out. Lovely. Me and my husband have six minutes of Mediterranean donkeys.

miniature Mediterranean donkey. Do you want that Instagram straight away? Absolutely. So this is a Welsh pronunciations I'm going to struggle with. M-O-E-L. M-O-L. F-A-A-M-A-U donkeys. F-A-E-L. M-O-E-L. F-A-M-A-U. I think that's a front, that's place in North Wales. I know that's the place, but that is really hard to find on Instagram.

I feel like I'm playing Scrabble. It's just come up with Rob Beckett mentioned during the story. Yeah, I did. Oh, the one in your porridge. Oh, yes, the little donkeys. Still quite big. Still quite big. Well, they are miniature Mediterranean donkeys. We run a business where people can come and meet the donkeys, have cuddles with them in the stable, take them around on a short or long rope in a lead rope, not short or long walk even, around our fields, surrounding the views of our amazing... Oh, bollocks and other Welsh pronunciation.

Floridian Hill Range. We are very much focused on mental well-being and emphasised the health benefits of spending time in the great outdoors in the company of our six beautiful affectionate female, Donkeys. We are called Moel Farmau Donkeys and located in North Wales. You can find us on Instagram at Moel Farmau Donkeys. You'd be more than welcome to come and visit us if you fancy cuddles with a donkey any time soon. We'd be very grateful for the shout out for a small family-run business

Thank you, Sean Ed. There we go. North Wales is so far away. I don't know what, I think it's because of the rose. 24 hours. Anyone can come and do that. Well, I feel like it's just a 55 year old man alone. I'm here for the donkeys. Female miniature. Yeah, give me the lead. Give me the reins. We'll see you next week. Bye.

Hello, I'm Rachel Fairburn from O'Kill and O'Filler. And I'm Paul McCaffrey from What's Upset You Now, and we'd like to tell you all about our brand new podcast, Gladracks. Every week we have a guest from the world of entertainment and design their perfect night out. Where are you going? What year is it? What you're wearing? What you're listening to, and most importantly... Can we come? Where would you go, Paul?

Do you know what, I'd go anywhere in 1995. I don't care where it is, I think 1995 was the peak of all human existence, the clothes, the music, everything. What would you listen to? Well, I'll be honest, I've been in a good mood, it's an Oasis playlist, it's from a bad mood. It's an Oasis playlist. Absolutely. Come and join us wherever you get your podcast for the best night out of your life.

Hi Sean. Hi Jack. So, you mentioned you were going to come up with an advert for our podcast. What for, oh my dog? Yeah, oh my dog, have you written something? Er, what, no, I haven't. Well, neither have I, but I wasn't meant to. Yeah, well, look, well, Sara's here now to record it. So, why don't you take over?

Hi. Hi. Hi, Si. Hi. Right, are we ready? What have we got for the Oh My Dog advert? Sean, I think you were going to... Hello, I'm Sean Walsh, and I'm with Jack Jadi, and we have dogs. Not together, we have, individually, Jack has a dog, Dolly, and I have a dog, Mildred. I see. Oh, my dog, the cult podcast with Jack D and Sean Walsh. Listen, because they both have dogs. That's what I was going to say.

Well, yeah.