S9 EP26: Joe Lycett

Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. Hello, I'm Josh Willicom. Welcome to Parent in Hell, the show in which Josh and I discuss what it's really like to be a parent, which I would say can be a little tricky. So, to make ourselves and hopefully you feel better about the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week you'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping. Or hopefully how they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting whoa. Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times where none of us know what we're doing.

Hello, you're listening to Parent in Hell with... Oh, yeah. Becca, give us a... Rob Becca. Rob Becca. Just with the gum. Just like you talk. Sweden. Iceland. Fuck. We've been to Iceland. I've been to Iceland. Love Iceland. Yeah, I'd like to go to Iceland. Hi, Rob and Josh. This is my two and a half year old son, Burger, saying your names while his seven month old sister, Ellen. Cheers. It's a bit of fun.

bangs toys together in the background. I started listening in the spring of 2023 and I've listened to the whole back catalogue for a little bit. It was very direct. It was especially fun listening to Josh struggle with a newborn on a toddler while pregnant with my second. I'm hoping for you to come and do a show in Iceland. I'd like to. Yeah. I'll do that. Thanks for the last baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita baguita

Ellen. E-L-I-N. Ellen. Ellen. Ellen. Booger. Iceland. Internation now. Internation now. Joe Lyser today. Joe Lyser today, and we promise you some playground shaggers. This is the last playground shaggers call out. If you've got any stories, we're going to do the playground shaggers special very soon. We're talking about illicit affairs and sex-based fun involving school parents and schoolteachers, but not pupils.

And I'm sorry this one couldn't make it onto the episode, but it's so good. We're using it as a kind of trailer. High guys, I'll just say, and regards anonymous, which is always good. We know it's going to be cheesy. Because of the nature of the correspondence, we have to stay anonymous. Yes, we do. We are parents to three kids, five and under. And your podcast has been a great source of laughs and reassurance that we are doing okay. Okay. Now to the good stuff.

what you'll settle for as a parent. Yeah, we know, but listen to you, we're doing okay. We're doing well enough. We have been part of the upside down pineapple community for many years. Actual swingers? Is that what that is? Yeah, so they are swingers. Oh yeah, if you don't know what that means, equals swingers. Yes. I've told you, you put an upside down pineapple in your shopping trolley. Oh yeah. And that was a little side. If they've got it on their car or it's like a little thing that they have upside down pineapples, like the fish for Christians. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We normally meet other swingers in clubs, but occasionally, use a swingers app to find people we can swing with. One day, we got a message from a couple and started chatting. Over the next few days, we shared explicit pictures of videos without seeing any faces. Oh, that's a bold first step, isn't it? I don't think there is bold if you're in the swinging community. No one's head would involve just dicks and pussies. Sorry.

I was going to say funny, you sparkle that into the challenge. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

The body's enough really. Yeah. Yeah, don't need to get involved. No. When their pick came through, we recognized her straight away. It was our daughter's nursery teacher. Oh my God. We'd spent days exchanging videos with the woman who looks after our daughter. We told her that we recognized her and who we were. She didn't mind and still wanted to meet. It was all a bit too close to home for us.

Don't shitting your doorstep. No, exactly. Or at least check their head before you send a video of yourself shitting on the doorstep. We had to keep making excuses why we couldn't meet. Needless to stay. Pickups were very awkward after that.

But luckily our child only had a few months left at nursery, regards anonymous. Great story. Great story. I think, Joe, if you're a swinger, you're going to live and die about those kind of things. And nursery, nursery is such a short amount of time. He's got a much worse fucking everyone else. I just think go for it. It's incredible that me saying Pussy was probably the most PG thing that happened in that last 10 minutes. And I thought that was going to be the rudest thing. Yeah. Here is a rude man, though.

Joe Lysit likes a bit of rude, doesn't it? That's why I can be on rude. Very excited about being Joe Lysit on the show. Oh, so excited. It's the first time that we've had a parent on the show that when they announced that they were having a child, everyone thought it was a prank. Yeah. So that'll be interesting to unpick. But we love Joe Lysit. He's got a little little baby and we're going to chat about it.

Joe Lycet, welcome to Parenting Hell. I'd say you weren't the bookies favorite to be on this year. Do you know what? No offense, but you asked me years ago to come on this podcast. I think when you just started it. Yes. And I thought absolutely not.

You didn't have a child, but I said we could bend the rules because you're our mate and you're so funny. Well, that's very kind. I changed my mind because I have circumstances have changed, but I haven't listened to the podcast. So I don't really know why are we here? What is this? We're just going to have a lovely chat, Joe. Oh, I say fine. I can cope with that.

Well, look, basically, I'll run down on what this podcast is. Do I do the history of it? OK, it started in lockdown where Josh wanted to do a podcast together, and he had this terrible idea about I have to do loads of research on Wikipedia, I would have died of death. Anyway, we were moaning about how hard it was having kids in lockdown and making each other laugh. And then we said, well, why don't we do?

episodes where we talk to other people that have got kids and make it feel real and the reality of it as opposed to all these people that are teaching their kids Spanish and doing bacon and doing yoga during lockdown. And it was basically a place for people to come to feel better about parenting. And it's just escalated to the point now. You're encouraging bad parenting, essentially, is what it is. No, no, no, no, no. We are encouraging the honesty and visibility of real parenting. Of real, bad. You're encouraging ineptitude.

And to create a whole generation of Andrew Tate's loving, bros that will continue the trajectory that we're on as a species. And that's why we've come to you.

Yeah. Yes. I did. You know what? I did do a small bit of research. I asked AI to tell me about the podcast. Brilliant. And it gave me the funniest moments. Oh, yeah. And it just explained them to me. And one of them did make me laugh out loud. You apparently called your rob, you called your wife a bitch.

That's what it says. I got microphones in my car. This is the first point that came up. It's a Rob Beckett accidentally said, shut up bitch to his pregnant wife while eating chow main with his fingers at 1 a.m. in Chinatown. Oh, yes, that's from my book, actually. That was drunk. And this is it. I never trust AI because it always gives you, is that from the podcast or from the podcast book?

It's been in my actual book, a class act. Rob's used it 16 times across all the formats. No, but I think Lou might have mentioned it in the parenting book. But, you know, we were going, she had a bitch like that when we were drunk near Matt Ford. And basically, I'd got really drunk and Lou coming to the plate and to watch the show. But me and Matt were already drunk and we were supposed to be going out on a big, boozy Chinese after... You didn't know she was pregnant.

No, I didn't know she was pregnant, she was coming to tell me. And then she sort of told me, and I was really pissed, and then me and Matt were trying. You can call a non-pregnant woman a bitch, that's fine. I'm starting to, I mean, calling men bitches, which is quite fun, like gigs, if, oh, guys, she had up, bitch. So you're sticking with it? Oh, yeah!

I just don't think you could call a woman a bitch anymore, but I think you can a man. It's quite fun. I do love the word bitch and bastard. A lot of drag shows now prefer the word bastard. And why is she black? Who does an iconic sort of drag competition in Birmingham has now called it the big bastard competition? We have to be the biggest bastard. The only northern bastard? Yes. Bastard doesn't work. It's bastard.

You can't get bastards. Oh, I vote Graham had a really good routine about, because obviously, well, not obviously, but he had a child out of wedlock. Obviously, I don't know. Obviously, I don't know. That's satanic shagger. Graham had a long routine where he kept referring to his child by saying, I've had a bastard. You've had a bastard, Joe. Yes, we're out of wedlock, so I've had a bastard. How is your little bastard?

I didn't see him doing this way, but he's very well. Thank you for asking. How old is he? He's just over six weeks. Oh, wow. That is. And how are you doing? I've been describing it as a sort of, I can't speak. That's one thing that's left me is the ability to construct sentences. But it's somewhere between lockdown and a long haul flight is what I think it is in experience.

And there are two things that I enjoy, actually. I didn't lock down for the obvious bad things, but I enjoyed the simplicity of it. Yes. And I enjoy a long haul flight. So it's kind of fine. Do you like kind of immersed in just being in? Do you know what I mean? Are you just like living that kind of reality now?

Yes, we try and do one thing a day, and that's it. And the one thing might be going to the shops. It might be going to see a friend. But it's one thing, and that is enough, because there is so much extra admin, isn't there?

The thing that has really surprised me, though, is I've become really into sport. How are you? That wasn't on the bingo card. I was in the States a little bit this year, and the basketball was on in the bar. I was interested in the basketball. The basketball.

And it's all the games are on at between midnight and 5am. So when you're up doing a feed, there's something live happening, you know? So you feel like the world is happening even though you're up in the middle of the night. So I become a fan of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

And why the Cleveland Cavaliers? They are in Ohio, and the reason I was in America is I was going to all the places called Birmingham in America. For sky television, our great friends. And the highest concentration of Birmingham's is in Ohio. There's three Birmingham's there, and we stayed in Cleveland. Sorry, the highest concentration's such a high flute word for three or something. So why is it three Birmingham's in Ohio?

Who knows? Who knows? And they're good Birmingham's as well as a lovely one in Toledo. But Cleveland Cavaliers weren't doing so well in the past. They are winning the league since I've become a fan. Wow. They are unbeaten 15 games. I've got a mat on the stats. I know all the players' names.

I like a bit of basketball. LeBron James, he won it with them, didn't he? He did, yes. So I watched the old game because you can watch the old games. Yeah. I mean, what's happened to me? I wasn't sporty. If you're into sports docks, there's a dock about Cleveland being the worst city for sport in America. Yeah, it's amazing. And it's a brilliant documentary. Oh, I need to watch it because Donovan Mitchell and the lads are proving that wrong.

Who's your favourite player? Donovan Mitchell's up there. And then there's a player that plays for the Bucks who my friend Yaz describes him as the crazy Greek. I don't, I can't pronounce his surname. So I'm not even going to try that. And he's a copoo. That's the one. Yeah. I think I've got that right. It's a tough surname. He's unbelievably good. Well, he's the best in the league. Yeah, the Greek freak. He's called. He's huge. He's amazing. The Greek freak. That's it. Not the crazy Greek.

his name's a Greek freak, but there's a guy you'll love called Nicola Yockich. They spelt joke like J.O.K, but it's Yockich, and they call him the Joker, Serbian. And he... Oh, we see the big guy. I mean, they're all quite big.

He doesn't actually like playing basketball that much. He's just incredibly talented at it. And he won the MVP. He's going to become the best ever at the triple doubles, which is like you in panel shows. He turns up and they said to him, he won the championship. And they were like, oh, so excited about the parade tomorrow. You've got to watch this. He goes, parade? What parade? And they go, oh, there's a parade tomorrow. And he goes,

No, I've got to go home. I've got the horses. I can't. It just doesn't want to be there, but he's worth it on him. But that's nice because it feels like you're connected with the world then. If it's live and happening, you can watch it. Yes. But also I've got into fandom. You know, I sort of, I've started commenting on the Cavs' Instagram with their cat trays is let them know. So I bought let them know and a few fire emojis after they've won a game.

And how's traction is that getting from Cavs fans that go, oh Joe, is it like? I think as close to zero as you can get. I've not actually looked, but I'm just doing it because I want to encourage them because they're doing everything well. Are they helping you out? And they're helping me out. So that's it. Have you been to a basketball game before?

No, so I started googling that, and there was one in Paris in January, and the cheapest ticket was like 600 quid. Fucking hell. I thought I could fly to Cleveland and watch a game for $20, and make them cheaper than going to Paris for this. Well, I go to basketball quite a lot, Joe, so I'll tell you about it after. I've been to a scene. Yes, please. I've been to that Paris game, and I've watched Orlando Magic a few times, and the atmosphere at bus was so good, it's so much fun. This is, well, it's Susie Ruffle getting into football, and now Joe Vaskill. Joe Vaskill, Joe Vaskill.

There it is. That's it. That's fine. Well, the thing about it, it's obviously in the jeans, because my dad used to coach basketball when I was a kid, so I was around it a little bit. Did you play? Then, did he play? No, did you, like, or did he try to get me to play once? He was the Birmingham bastard, because I'm a leaner. The crazy brummy, that's what they called me.

No, my dad tried to do like a kind of crash course with me once and it became very clear that I was not going to be a basketball player. And so he's been humiliated with whatever I've become. What I would say about watching sport at night is I got into getting up at 5am with our second child for the Olympics when he went up and a similar thing. And then when the Olympics ended,

He was just getting up at 5 a.m. I had no company then. So, you know, basketball goes on for ages. Oh, yeah, it does though. You'll find the players. So, there's games all the time. There's one question. There's one on Christmas Day. They play Christmas Day. Dude, I saw that. But that's their thing. It was a thing about basketball so much, but it starts all the whole day because... People are so excited about us getting Joe Lyser on. Can you shut up about basketball? Sorry, yeah, yeah, sorry. I started it. I'm a new person. I've got a baby and I'm a basketball. This is another fucking Joe Rogan podcast. What's going on?

Yes. Also, it still might be a prank. I've not seen the kid yet. Well, there is a lot of torture. I've been asked, I presume you've been asked Rob. Yeah, there's a lot of people asking me whether your child is a prank. Yeah.

I was trying to work out what would the prank be? Because there's always an end game for what I do. And I was thinking, well, what would the point of it be? Would it be a comment on the overcrowding of the NHS? Could be that. You could turn it into all sorts of things. But I do think it's bold to pretend you've had a baby, isn't it?

And also, to be holding an actual child in the announcement, I think it's all... Yes. You don't have to start borrowing children, if you're a media person. Yeah. Well, lots of people thought he was a potato, because apparently I wasn't holding his neck properly in that particular... I mean, I love that Instagram comments about holding a baby. I'm deep in that now, being told how to parent from Daily Mail comments.

Were you nervous about announcing it? Well, yeah. I mean, basically didn't want to at that stage and sort of was slightly, slightly encouraged by the great British press. Ah. And so we were very happy in our little sort of bubble and then it sort of was popped. But actually everyone, by and large, has been really nice about it. And we've been really sort of heartened by it. But it's an odd one because I wanted to sort of talk about it when I'd worked out how to talk about it, if you know what I mean?

worked out to write it into stand-up or something and wanted to just experience it rather than sort of trying to turn it into a joke or just live it and then write the stuff afterwards. But actually, everyone's been really nice. It's just the press thing. I don't know if you guys have had the sort of...

experience, because I've not really. When you go to events, you expect camera men, what do you call them? Harprazo. Yeah, but you are getting it in the street a bit now, aren't you like? Yeah, and I've never had that before, and I don't love it. It's quite, it's sort of

I get it now. I said, OK, oh, I see. I see why people don't enjoy that because it does feel very invasive. I don't know where they are. And the thing that I loved, there was a journalist that came up to Birmingham and was like knocking on neighbors' doors and going to hard. Everyone's the corner sharp and went to everyone. And he spoke to my dad. He managed to find where my parents lived. And he spoke to my dad. And he said to the dad because dad didn't give him a statement. And he said, oh, I've come up from London for this. Do you have anything to say? And he went, have a safe journey back.

That's amazing!

But yeah, so it's a bit odd, but I'm hoping it sort of dies down now. And I get it, you know, I think it is, as you say, it's unexpected for me to have a baby because lots of people think of me as the sort of the gay bloke off the telly, essentially. But I have in most of the times when I've talked about my sexuality, been sort of open about that, that I'm not gay. But I do think, I do think that's interesting. I think there's loads of good stand up in it, but it's just, it's sort of caught me off guard in quite a sort of vulnerable time. You kind of get trying to protect people and then suddenly it's all

Oh, it's difficult. Totally, because you're exhausted and you're kind of emotionally all over the place, presumably at that point. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, that's the game we play, isn't it, you know? I've known you still for nearly 15 years, and when we started together, your opening joke would be, you was, I think, was bisexual at that, would you say there? Yes, I'd say you're all at risk, wasn't it? You're all at risk, yes. Or if it was a late show at the store or somewhere, I'd say, I can and will fuck all of you.

Very aggressive. Yeah, so that's it. I have talked about it. Yes, of course. Not everyone needs to know everything about me, of course, but it's just so interesting. People who don't know that much about me have seen maybe a quick clip, just go gay bloke. And then when they see that other bit of information, they go, I don't know. Robots going, of course. People see me in sushi.

I've never seen you eating sushi. I love a bit of sushi. I feel like I've seen you eating sushi. It's just with your fists.

I just pound big, ricey balls straight down. The other thing I was going to say about that sort of impression intrusion at the start, I do think that will die down because obviously we do this podcast, we talk about our kids, but I don't put my kids' names anywhere or their faces anywhere. If you don't put them in the public with their pictures and stuff like that, then they can't put pictures up. So if you're just going about your day in Birmingham, they'll get really bored of just photos of you and two pixelated people going in and out of the house.

Yeah, that's it. That's all they've sort of can do at this point, I think. But I think what they're expecting is that, like, after hours, rather than watching NBA games, I'm having gay orgies. And are you working much at the moment?

Not really. No, I'm doing like little dribs and drabs, but I'm going to try and take paternity leave. Oh, very surprising thought. How long did you guys have? Did you guys take time off? Because it is. It's a different beast with our jobs. It's kind of different because there's certain things you have to do. Well, not have to. It's freelancers, isn't it? So I was going to pay us to start home. So I just kind of.

eased down to absolutely necessary stuff. Like, well, I suppose none of it's necessary, but it's a century. If I don't hear what you and Adam Hill think about the news this week. So I took on to work as a midwife actually, because that is essential work.

So I did like this and the Friday last leg, but without doing the meetings or something. Like it was like that for a bit. Yeah. I had my kids at a point when I was still like trying to get some money. Like now I could, I've got enough sort of saved up that I could take a bit of time off, but. For your third one. Well, no, I'm not having a third one, but like I remember, because I'd just got on Taskmaster, which was a massive opportunity. So I went and was rolling around on a running track, covered in goo shit after five days. Yeah. So I was. And then we went on Taskmaster.

He's still got it. He's still got it. They write him off. What sure and sleeping pattern at the moment with a six week old. What's going on?

Well, there's sort of no pattern. I watched this video that someone sent to me about how to sort of, it's the five S's where you sort of swaddle, shush, suck, and there's a couple of other ones, side and whatever. And that seems to work. So if I would want to get him off, it takes a bit of time, but I kind of put him on his side and then do this sort of shushing him essentially. And then we get about three, four hours. And then we kind of alternate. So I'll take him downstairs, see what LeBron's up to.

See what Darius Garland's doing, beautiful, beautiful sportsman. And then I'll hand him back and I'll get some sleep. And as I say, we're only doing one thing a day most days. So we kind of can lie in and all that, unless it's baby cinema day, which I'm obsessed with, where it's a morning cinema trip, where you watch, we watched Heretic last week. So you've got some horrible films. That's awful. With violence and gore and whatever. And it's just full of babies, fab.

And is it watchable or are people like crying and then there's some who are falling asleep? No, it sort of really is sort of watchable. I think there's something about the kind of warmth and the dark room that sort of soothes all the babies. So they obviously they stir a bit. But then... If they kick off most parents... Is it quiet? The film... Have you not been? Do you never do a baby cinema? No, I didn't do a baby cinema. Great.

This is it, because I love film, but I sort of got out of the habit of going to the cinema, because it feels like quite a lot to do. Whereas this, because it's in the morning, you don't feel like you've got rid of your evening. And now we watch Heretic, we watch Joker 2, we watch the Trump film. So we've seen that really up to speed with all of Hollywood film in a way that I've never been before. Basketball and movies. Yeah, you turn into an American joke.

You're gonna vote Trump next year. Yes, well I'm very MAGA as we all know. Are you doing any art?

Yes, I did one painting while he was on my lap, and he seemed to be, it was a blue and yellow painting, and I think the contrasting colours was interesting to him, so it kept him soothed, but it's quite tricky to do art with one hand, so it's not something I've been able to do loads of. I've lost the sort of ability to construct, what's the word, metaphors and similes and things like that, so I can't sort of

I can't, I can't write at the minute. And you're just, you're tired. You don't pay pressure on yourself. He's six weeks into being a dad. You don't need to be turning out material. But this is the thing with paternity is like people that I know have just had babies who've got proper jobs. They've gone back after two weeks and I do, I totally get the paternity thing now where why people are protesting about it because it is, that's just not enough time. No, you're just, you're running on completely on empty. Yeah.

And so the more time you can spend, you know, you've got the luxury of having time to yourself to enjoy being a new dad. But you always think someone else is dealing with it better than you are. They're probably rushing off to their, like, what you call proper job and going, like, Oh my God, I've just got, I just black my through that meeting. I don't know what's going on. I've not applied to that email. I've not done this. I've not done that much. Yeah. Sometimes that's a little bit of a break. Do you know what I mean? If your job isn't to, I'll be honest, doing this or something, you're like, I get to go upstairs for three hours and there's no responsibility on me.

I mean, yeah, this is a piece of piss. If you can't do this podcast, obviously, leave, you're smashing it, Joe. You're flying and sending you can't work. And you've got a book out. And you're promoting your art book, which I've bought. I've actually bought a copy of, Joe. Oh my God, thank you. Who do I do? Well, I just asked Michael to get one for the public house. I'll refund you, my God. No, don't worry. Because you sent me the brilliant Parenting Hell book. And I loved that you sent it with condoms. I thought that was very funny. I mean, less and not learnt there.

Well, if only you'd bloody used it, Joe, you wouldn't be on air doing your promo. I'd love to know if anyone's used them. Don't write in. The only people I know that did branded condoms are you and JLS. So... Well, we're very similar. Very similar. It's a brilliant book. So I'll tell you what it is. It's called Joe Lies It's Art Hole. And it's out now. And you can delve inside Joe Lies It's Art Hole to discover the truth behind his most iconic, famous and infamous portraits of some of the most influential people in the world. And it's gone. You're amazing artwork.

But it's got lots of stuff around it. And it's a beautiful coffee table book, but it's not just a collection of stuff. It's like beautifully written. And so it looks like a lot of work. Yeah, it was a lot of work, but it was the most sort of resistance free work that I've done in ages, because I find standard really hard to write. Yeah. And yet writing that was really pleasant most of the time. And then I tried it as standard. I did some live dates and loved performing it. And it sort of worked. And I was like, Oh, like writing funny stuff can be fun.

Because a lot of the time, I don't know if you feel the same. I get really in my head about writing stand-up and go, what will Steve Bennett make of this? For people at home, Steve Bennett is the critic from chortle.co.uk. That's the chap, yes. As you start in stand-up, you really care about that, but as you move on a bit, it dies down.

Well he's occupying space of my brain still is it yes so writing this i didn't expect to be performing it because it was just essentially it's the sort of captions that i put on instagram when i post my paintings just sort of flights of fancy kind of nonsense see where it takes me but sort of expanded out it's really fun to write because you just.

think of a celebrity that you're a bit obsessed with and then just imagine what they would be like in a room with Lorraine Kelly and then off you go and it's sort of, you just add more things to it and see how it plays out. Well, a bit more escapism. I think we're stand up. You feel like you need to, especially when you've done it from the start, be a bit more like biographical, like, hey, I'm Joe. This is me. This is what I think about this where with this, you can just be carefree and go, oh, that's just funny for the sake of funny.

Yeah, exactly because right jokes. So it's been a lot of fun and people have been very nice about it. And sadly, I didn't get the artwork in that you have, Josh, of Wayne Linnaker. Oh, so you've got an original Joe Lyser. Joe Lyser. I went to see the Royal Academy show and your picture of, was it ever Gary Linnaker this time? Yes, I've just, this is the first time I've realized that I've done both Linnakers.

I've only done the one linnaker, but I painted both. Oh, of course you've met Gary from your prank podcast as well. Yeah, that was the first time I had a chat with him about it because I wasn't sure if he was annoyed about the painting because I didn't know him and my friend took a picture of me. We were in Los Angeles of me and the pool having a pint of beer and he was in the background. And then when she sent it to me, his face is so... I don't know if he is looking at me, but it looks like he's looking at me and he's really angry with me.

But it felt very as a kind of composition felt like a hot Knee and the pool, the light dancing off in all that. So I thought, let's just try it as a painting. And I was really pleased with it. Royal Academy accepted it. But I wasn't sure if Gary felt annoyed that I'd captured that moment of him in anger or whatever. He was very chill about the whole thing. He's quite pleased with it.

Oh, nice. With the art book, do you see art not as your job in the same? Is the reason you find comedy like more stressful is art is like a hobby that you get to do. Admittedly, it's in the public eye and people can buy it and stuff, but that's your passion, where it's comedy is your kind of job.

A bit. I have really been missing stand-up. That's one thing that in the last few weeks, I've been jotting things down. Because I love performing stand-up. It's the writing of it that I don't get the most kicks out of. But I used to go and watch stand-up before I was a stand-up. And I used to love that just before a show, seeing the mic in the stand and just thinking, one person is going to speak into that and entertain us for 20 minutes, half an hour. And what an amazing thing that is.

And I remember really finding that really cool and really inspirational. I love stand-up and I love painting. So both of those things I get, I'm soothed by in a weird way when I do actually do stand-up and I love after a gig. I'm much happier than I am before the gig and all of those things in the same way that I am about painting. But painting is a lot more zen and a lot more quiet and all that. But I kind of think I will need both in my life as I go forward.

Do you write on stage, or do you write beforehand? Because I'll go on with bullet points, but I actually do all my writing whilst the gig's happening, and that's more fun, because I couldn't sit in a room. You said that to me before. I do write a bit on stage, but I have to start with a little nub of an idea. Have you ever thought about painting and doing the stand-up at the same time, or almost like a guitar comedian, where you could be, or would you not get out of it? I'd like to say guitar comedian with such disdain. Yeah. And I stand by that. Fuck off and join a band, or write some proper jokes, put the guitar down.

I did there was a podcast who does that lovely podcast where you paint and talk at the same time, and I think it's good for kind of wistful long thoughts, but it's not great for the kind of gag rate you want in standard. We do 20 minutes stand up while painting and you turn it around. Yes. And it's a picture of someone in the front row. Oh, that's a nice thought.

But then maybe if it's the annoying person, then we'll heckle her. You could just paint them as this sort of gargoyle thing. And then as you turn around, that's the ultimate slam at the end of you've gone. That is you, good night. I mean, you've got to know early on who your target is. I normally know. It feels like there's a lot going on. I'm tired, Rob. I've said at the start, I'm tired. You're now adding to my plate. That's a bad idea. Do you ever mess up a painting?

Does it ever go wrong? Oh, all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I post most of the ones that I do on to Twitter or Instagram or whatever, but there's quite a lot that you'll get where the colors are off or if it looks not like the person, that's not a failure to me. Actually, that's generally a success because I find it funny when

they look caricatury and weird it's more when the composition doesn't feel right or the words aren't quite right or colors are off that's when i kind of get a bit annoyed and then i'll just put it to one side but generally generally i don't because i sort of know i get an idea in my head and then i just run with it i'm quite impulsive like that i'm less.

I think stand up encourages that doesn't it just follow your nose a bit rather than plotting things loads will you paint your son there's a thought i did a painting actually i've got a i've got to speak to about this this is a gamble actually if you offer a rival podcast so i painted a baby in a bath and then the caption round it was where a condom.

Ed's got that, Azi. So Ed said, oh, can I have that? So I think I sold it to him or maybe gave it to him. I can't remember. So I was looking for, I can't remember what I was looking for. I was probably searching my own name on Google and it popped up on like an art resale website. No, no. So I need to find out if Gamble is trying to cash in. That is sniker. That's funny. Surely not.

I text him now. Find out. You had a sloth, my daughter's obsessed with sloths, and he had a sloth on them. I think you'd already sold it. I'll try and buy that bit. Oh, yes. Because the thing is, it's difficult for you with your artwork, because it must be worth a decent wedge now. But if your friends want to buy them, you don't want to take the piss. But selling it or giving it to a mate, and then they stick it on a resale, that is friendship. I know what, Joe.

If you have certain items above a level of cost, you have to ensure them separately on your house. And I've made the executive decision that I think your artwork you gave me is probably worth more than that now. I don't know. This is it. I haven't really sold any art on the open market. Also, in our fence, who's going to fucking nick it?

That's what they said about the scream rob and that got stolen it'll be the same people Yes Quick grab the way look up

It has not resold your license picture. Is that what he said? Yeah. Oh, OK. Must be a copy. Yeah. What's going on there then? It was it was quite an obscure website. So it might just be some sort of scam going on. But thank you for doing that research for me. I will. I'll take him off the hit list.

Hello, I'm Rachel Fairburn from odd killing old filler. And I'm Paul McCaffrey from What's Upset You Now, and we'd like to tell you all about our brand new podcast, Gladracks. Every week we have a guest from the world of entertainment and design their perfect night out. Where are you going? What year is it? What are you wearing? What are you listening to, and most importantly? Can we come? Where would you go, Paul?

Do you know what, I'd go anywhere in 1995. I don't care where it is, I think 1995 was the peak of all human existence, the clothes, the music, everything. What would you listen to? Well, I'll be honest, I've been a good mood, it's an Oasis playlist. If I'm a bad mood. It's an Oasis playlist. Absolutely. Come and join us wherever you get your podcast for the best night out of your life.

You said you're quite impulsive, Joe, with you're like, ah, and you stand up and stuff like that, and you follow your nose. What you like as a parent then? Are you reading all the books, or are you just seeing how the baby reacts to what you're doing, or is your partner a bit more reading the books? How are you doing it? I don't know if you've heard of the Instagram algorithm, but it provides everything you need.

My algorithm is such a mess because it's now like a mixture of basketball, baby stuff. There's still like the occasional twink, then there's like step stuff. I mean, it's like, it's such a mad mix of things that's going on. I think the algorithm is very confused by me. This can't be a real human.

It's just someone testing it. I've done a lot of... I did a bit of reading before he was born. I've not read loads since he's been born. And then a lot of YouTube videos were just sort of tutorial-y things and the swaddling video, those sorts of things. And just advice from whoever. You're good friends with the parries, aren't you? Grayson and Philippa Perry.

Yes, and her book is, that's one of the books that I read before and I loved that. I found that really reassuring because I thought that I had to be like really strict and dad-like and sort of go, no, we don't do that. I'm very sort of hard. Yeah, it doesn't work from you, Joe. I just said that for six weeks, we do not do that. We do not stick on my trousers.

Yeah, that's sort of noise. I'm becoming a bit worryingly dead like this. I started getting things wrong because I said the other day I called a GIF a meme.

It's starting, it's a real, I feel it's sort of seeping into my blood, it's a real word. Do you know what I do? My kids laugh at it. When I ask Siri to do anything, you know that play a song, I'll say, Taylor Swift, I can do it in the broken heart, please. And I say, please, thank you to Siri. You don't need to do that. It's just manners. It's Siri. It keeps thinking you want a song called, please. Oh, God, we're all old. Do you feel middle-aged, Joe?

Yes, but I always did, actually. I've always felt elderly. I've always felt brittle and, you know, opinionated, a bit racist, all of those things. God, I am MAGA. I'm MAGA, I'm getting things wrong. That's why the Daily Mail are always looking for a comment for you, Joe. They know it would fly. Joe, that'll be Joe Lysit now, MAGA fan after baby. Yeah.

Well, yes, they'll write what they write. Is there anything that surprised you a little bit that you wasn't expecting or was actually easier? I'd spoken to a lot of dads and there was a kind of consensus with a lot of the men that I spoke to that they felt that they were kind of subsidiary and that they found it a bit of an ego hit in the first few weeks because they weren't the kind of main thing. Really? Who have you been speaking? Donald Trump?

Do you mean the main thing with the baby or the main thing with the mum? Both, I think. And actually, some people were quite specific, sort of saying, I'd worried that I'd replaced myself with the child. Oh my word. Jesus. You've got to stop asking insecure comedians for advice.

But I've not felt that at all. I feel really, obviously I'm not providing any liquids at this point. Well, that's the thing is your baby breastfed because I found because we couldn't do breastfeeding. It didn't work for us. I was way more involved with the bottle feeding. So I can imagine if it is purely breast and you're not needed in the night or whatever, then you do feel a bit excluded because there's literally nothing you can do.

No, well I'm doing a bit of expressed basically, so it is, I am involved in that process a little bit. Joe's downstairs, big foam hand watching the basketball waller. Let's go do first. Exactly. Let's go do first. That is my life, about 3am every night. I'm there watching a basketball game with a bottle in my hand, basically, and not a nice bottle of crisp, cold gold.

But I also, I love washing, and I'm now just like the person that washes everything, which I always was, but I really, and I bought a tumble dryer, which is the best thing I've ever bought. I think I'm more in love with the tumble dryer than I am my son. And muslins, loads of muslins. Loads of muslins. They dominate your life for about a year and a half, and you never see one ever again. Yeah. Is that right? Honestly. Oh, I saw you, we've still got a drawer. No. And occasionally, I'll spill something, I think.

Oh, maybe I'll just get a muslin. It's just easy. Really? They're just so good. I just think they just... They soak up a lot of stuff. It's a skinny tea towel, isn't it? Yeah, but it's more absorbent.

I just, I said muslin. I suppose Rob Beckett. Just a skinny t-shirt. Literally thinking that it's a skinny t-tail. But I said muslin so much and I've not said it till today for about four years. Yeah, so I was worried that my ego would take a big hit and actually it hasn't thus far. But I think it will come later down the line when he doesn't respect me. And when I say, I've won a BAFTA like that when he won't care. No. I was on the Parenting Hell podcast. Yeah.

Show me some respect. The only time I feel a little bit like that, I'll be accepted and don't really care that I'm like bottom of the pecking order when it comes to importance of the house. That's fair. Yes. Yeah. It's just sometimes you say I like got in like 2 a.m. and I've got up at 6 a.m. and I don't mind that but I'm making them all breakfast and as I'm making them breakfast they go, can you put the telly on and get me a glass of water? And I'm like...

Fuck off. I'm not even awake. I've been up and they treat you like staff. Have you heard of Newbury Corn Exchange? Because it's less than 12 hours ago that I was struggling through two hours of material to those bricks. Do you know what I love when I do a Corn Exchange? And it never really gets a laugh. It makes me laugh. I go, I bet it was some fucking corn swapped in here.

That's what you call for your popcorn. I just love that you think that a difficult task is turning on the television and getting a glass. Oh, just you wait, Joe. Joe, it's not a difficult task, but it is to do it at the same time as you're making pancakes and you're packing a bag and you're filling a wall. You've been doing it every day for eight fucking years, right? You're doing time inside. I don't want to make a small person breakfast anymore. Yeah, that's it. I am at the start of this, Nante.

Your kids must be old enough, almost, to make their own breakfast. Yes, they probably could. And turn on the television and get a glass of water. Yeah, let's come on. Oh, no, we've got a quook that's happened. It's a bit dangerous for a child to do because they could get boiling water. My tip to you, Joe, would be your house is going to change beyond recognition into a child's house. OK. Don't resist.

Just go with it for the next decade. And it's that you're talking to a man that is resisting, and he's still... No, I'm not resisting, I'm not. But he's re-ferving his one, and he's still too small. No, I'm not resisting, it's not too small. No, it's perfect. We're just re-ferving it, so it's perfect for a family. What changes are you making to make it perfect for a family? More storage. Storage is key. But I'm glad that you seem to be in a very good space with it. You're enjoying it. I think it's interesting when you say about turning into an authority figure. Do you think you've got that in your locker?

No. That's, that's what frightens me about it. Nobody's taking me seriously at all when I tell them to not do something. People don't even believe it when he says he's having a baby. No. Exactly. Nobody believes me. Nobody trusts me. It's a nightmare when I've created for myself. You must go in the bank to do something. Go away, go again. Yeah, bloody hell.

Yes, that's what I liked about the Phillipa Perry book is that it was basically said, it's more about being a safe space for them and not being absent and allowing them in the whole time and loving them. And then they have the confidence to go out further because they know that they can always come back to a nice space. But I do worry, I'm going to spoil him and I'm going to be boundaryless.

Do you have any things on your like sort of bucket list to do that you're looking forward to now? You've got a child of like, you know, the first Cleveland game or, you know, but is there stuff that you look forward to and you're excited for? I'm looking forward to the first time he comes round. Uncle Robson, he gets in a glass of water in terms of telling me. I'll show you how to do it both at the same time. Yeah.

I want to see his art. That's one thing that I can't wait for. Yeah, that's exciting, isn't it? I've seen these frames that you can get where you can kind of change the art in and out. It takes an A4 piece of paper and then the last bit of art goes at the back and I've seen people do walls of them and I'm really excited for that because I think that'll be such a lovely thing to sort of see the development of his. Yeah, I collect everything they do and put it together.

Yeah, that is great. Well, if he's not into it. Right dates on the back, Joe. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, because you'll forget, when of course.

Do you know the one I like is also the measuring of the head. Have you got a head measuring, not the measuring of the head, that sounds weird. The measuring of the head. The measuring of the height on the door frame. Oh, yes. I remember that when I was a kid. Yeah. Yeah, so you threw us by saying measuring the head. Yeah, I'd just like to, each morning, I like to measure the head to check they're getting clever. You mean the height of the child? Yeah, the height of the child. Not the circumference of the, yes. Yeah, yeah.

No, I do differently. I am making a graph of the size of my child's head. I do it every morning. It's a fucking tree trunk. I cut the head off and count the rings. Yeah. I've done a lot of, I mean, less so now, but the first sort of two weeks, I did a lot of crying because I did a lot of like nostalgia for the future. Yeah. Imagine to what he was like when he was 20 and then worried about him when he's an old man and I can't be there for him and all this stuff.

Well, don't worry, the world will be a post-apocalyptic wasteland by then, Joe. Exactly. I eased myself out of it knowing that we'll all be dead within 10 years anyway. I doomed as a species, so it's fine. But I was listening to a lot of Laura Marling at the time as well, which is bad. My advice to any new fathers, don't do it. You become incredibly emotional, incredibly easy.

Yeah, and to very simple things. Like, we watched I'm a celebrity last night, which I never do. Great. I love this. Joe is just, is this alternative crazy artist? It should be coming me. It's going to go, move to the suburbs, feet up, basket go on. Here we go. Bloody, you're on the jungle. You all come crawling back to Mr. Vadestry eventually.

Well, the Christmas adverts made me cry. Do they make you cry? Oh, John Lewis hit me like an absolute dagger in the heart. Yeah. Because I'm just, I'm a sitting dark. Yeah, emotionally. Yes, that's exactly it. How was the birth? Was it a stressful birth? Was it quite straightforward? Because that can sometimes leave a bit of a post trauma cry. Yeah. No, I found all of that kind of, I mean, I wasn't doing it. So it was magic for me. Oh, there's another scoop we've got. Rob, the male will be all over that. Lysa didn't have his own baby.

Well, that's the prank, is that I actually did. But I was sending you off into a different direction. Like the film Junior, if you were the first person to do that. If anyone's going to do it, it is me. It is, yeah. I think you'd be one of the few people where it wouldn't define you. I think you've done enough and your life is broad enough. That wouldn't be the first thing you were a bit. Speaking of things coming back to bite you on the arse, when we went to register his name... Yeah.

The registrar, is that what you call him? Yeah. Said to me, have you been known by any other names? And I said, no. And then I looked over at my partner and she sort of furrowed her brow. Oh, no. And I went, oh, yeah, I was known as Hugo Boss for a while.

And she had to sort of go into it in really granular detail. And she said, you kind of got lucky because she did this whole spiel at the start about how in the Birmingham Registry office, all the documents are still downstairs in the basement. So your birth certificate. And then she said, Ozzy Osborne's birth certificate in the sort of same breath, which I'm imagining that it's written in bats blood.

And then she said, so his will join those certificates. And so she sort of made a big deal about how sort of they're for after. And then she basically said, if you were called Hugo Boss on your, I think, passport or something, then we will have to put that on his birth certificate.

also known as Hugo Boss. Fortunately, the passport was rejected because my signature as Hugo Boss, when I was Hugo Boss for that period, was a cock and balls, so they rejected it the passport. Oh, wow. So were you never actually officially known as what was the...

It was deed poll, but you do the deed poll document. There's different ways of doing deed poll, but we did the kind of basic deed poll. Then it went off to the driving people and the passport office, and they both rejected it because the signature was Hugo Boss, but I made, I think, the B of boss into a bellend and then a couple of balls, basically. You're a comedian. You don't miss an opportunity like that, do you? Yes, of course. You're always going to do that. The B was the balls, and then the OSS was the shaft. Perfect.

Yes, yes. How are you not doing that as a comic, you know? And so did you then have to get it changed back by deed poll? Technically, yeah. But as long as it's not been registered as a deed poll, then you kind of get away with it, I think, is what she sort of said. Sorry, I'm boring myself. No, no, it's interesting to be genuinely interested in how the paperwork works.

It's one of my great regrets is that I didn't keep Hugo Boss as my name because I think the joke is funny if I'd stayed Hugo Boss. Yeah. And I was sort of persuaded out of it and I should have kept it. It's an ad to be nightmare though. But it was an admin nightmare. Yeah. When we went to register my daughter, her middle name is Virginia after my grand. I must have told you this. And the woman, you have to check all the spellings and she'd written vagina.

Whoa. Yeah. And I was quite embarrassed, correct? Could join a widicum. Oh, I see. So they missed the eye. Did they miss the last arm? They missed the last eye. I saw the giant rather. So it was Virgin A. Yeah. Come on, hit them at school.

That's your first born, isn't it? Because I think I remember, I sent something for her and you told me that it was a nightmare to get because I put it in her name. You weren't in to get the parcel in that post office wouldn't give you because she couldn't approve it. I don't remember this, but that sounds incredibly like it. You sent me a book for my daughter when she was born. Please go the fuck to sleep book.

I haven't sent you a big thing from this podcast. I'm not doing that anymore. I was thoughtful back in the days. I don't want anything from either of you. Please, you've given enough.

Well, let us give you this final gift. Your book, Joe Lysazarle, is out now, and I'd say it is a beautiful piece of work. Oh, thank you, Josh. That's very kind. He's only saying that to drive the price up of his fucking way, Limica. Yeah, there's some things too expensive to be featured in it. And I suppose if you own the original of one of the ones that wasn't in it, by the way, that's in the lockup at the moment because of decoration before any criminals break it. Yeah, I'd like one as well, Joe. So let me know if you're selling one. I'll have it off you.

OK, well, I mean, if this is a specific celeb or animal, I know you said sloth, but if there's anything you're interested in, I mean, I feel like maybe I should have a go at a portrait of you. Oh, yes, please. To go in your lounge.

A giant portrait of Rob, maybe just the teeth, maybe just the mouth. I like the rolling stones that I go and seize it on me now. That'd be lovely. Final question for Joe. Can we get your book just bookshops in it, your website or just Google it?

Yes, well, the place that I recommend is bookshop.org. Let me just make sure that I've got that right. Because what I didn't know about it before, yes, bookshop.org, I didn't know about it. Basically, it will put profits from the sale of the book, will go to your local independent bookshop. Oh, yeah, there's another one called Hive that is the same. You've got to buy my book, go Amazon.

I'll get all the money. They will sell it cheap on Amazon, if you want it cheapest, there is. Joe, thank you so much for doing this. Follow on the final question. What is it about, we ask if on this, feel free, you don't want to answer, that's absolutely fine. But we always ask, what does your partner do as a parent that you absolutely love? And you're like, oh my God, I'm so lucky to have a child with you. And what's the one thing she does that at the moment is a little bit frustrating, but you don't want to bring it up because everyone's a bit tired and trying their best. And you don't want to ruin a lovely trip to the cinema.

OK, the issue with this is I'm just going to be soppy and not funny at all. People want to see that from you. They want to see behind you. The right side. What's the truth? Yeah, that's what we want from you. Well, she's just really taken like a duck to water with it. And I'm immensely proud of her and everything that she's doing. So there's like loads of things that I'm delighted with the way that she's doing it and how patient she is and all of that. Anything that she's doing that I don't like.

She's not really providing enough washing at this stage. Sometimes the tumble dryer is out of action and I'd like more. She was saying that a lot of women after giving birth sort of will piss themselves and she hasn't done that.

So, if she could piss herself, that would be great. And what I like most is this was Joe Lice. It's most open and loving and ended with it. She hasn't pissed herself. Joe, thank you so much. We've absolutely loved it. We're so happy for you.

What a pleasure. So nice to see you and thanks for your advice and for your kindness. We're always here whenever you want us. And thanks for not either of you sending a gift for my son. And we will see you on here the next time you've got something to promote. Tell you what, Joe. I'll give you tickets to the basketball in Paris.

I would love that. I'd love to come with you to a game, please. Oh, I'd love to hear it. Let's go to Cleveland. Let's do a Parenting Hell Cleveland special. Oh, yes, please. If we can get one of the players. Oh, my God. Oh, well, that's this fucking escalator. I was going to just go and get him a couple of tickets, and I'm going to try and make the friends of the Cleveland. I'm on a courtside picture with Donovan Mitchell, please. Cheers, Joe. Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye. Thank you.

That was Joe Leisert. Thank you so much to him, what a hero. I love Joe Leisert, it was such a lovely man. We've all known each other for so long. We've all changed so much. I know, we've all grown up. And I do feel a bit sorry for him because I think some of the comments online, obviously it was a bit of a shock to the public of him having a baby, but he doesn't talk about his private life at all, so he's not like...

all of a sudden, he's not like Molly May, who I know had another baby when that's his life. So he's always been quite private and he's also, like we said, from the start of doing stand-up and being on TV, he's bisexuality, he's always been open and out there. So you used to always start by saying that you were heterosexual as well, that was a weird start. Yeah, okay, yeah. Okay, guys, I'm hetero. So only the women are at risk. Anyway, no women. Anyway, have a good guy. Bye. Bye.

I'm Max Rushton. I'm David O'Dahrty. And we'd like to invite you to listen to our new podcast, What Did You Do Yesterday? It's a show that asks guests the big question. Quite literally, what did you do yesterday? That's it. That is it. Max, I'm still not sure. Where do we put the stress? Is it what did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? You know what I mean? What did you do yesterday? Yesterday.

I'm really downplaying it. Like, what did you do yesterday? Like, I'm just, I'm just a guy just asking a question. But do you think I should go bigger? What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? Every single word this time, I'm going to try and make it like it is the killer word. What did you do yesterday? I think that's too much, is it? That is, that's over the top. What did you do yesterday? Available wherever you get your podcasts every Sunday.

Hello, I'm Rachel Fairburn from All Kill and All Filler. And I'm Paul McCaffrey from What's Upset You Now. And we'd like to tell you all about our brand new podcast, Gladracks. Every week we have a guest from the world of entertainment and design their perfect night out. Where are you going? What year is it? What you're wearing? What you're listening to, and most importantly... Can we come? Where would you go, Paul?

Do you know what, I'd go anywhere in 1995. I don't care where it is, I think 1995 was the peak of all human existence, the clothes, the music, everything. What would you listen to? Well, I'll be honest, I've been a good mood, it's an Oasis playlist. If I'm a bad mood. It's an Oasis playlist. Absolutely. Come and join us wherever you get your podcast for the best night out of your life.