Hello, this is Joe. Welcome to the Mundy Vault. In this episode, James, our editor is just putting whatever old it's out randomly. I don't know if it's going to be any good or shit. But that's the chances you take. Some of them from the past are a bit. Anyway, cheers.
Good morning, Amadira Tudor. Boris Johnson will today become the first world leader to address the Ukrainian Parliament since the outbreak of war. The Prime Minister is expected to describe the country's resistance to invasion as its finest hour and will pledge an extra £300m of military support as Conservative MP Tobias Albert Tal's talk TV, an era of relative peace, is over. This is a turning point in our history,
We're back into another called war, we're back into another proxy war as well, and it could escalate. Hey. Hey. What are you listening to? Don't know, I just... You look like a proper YouTuber with your office now. A proper YouTuber?
Well, yeah, you know, when you see clips of YouTubers and they've got like, like a big office with stuff going on. You know that one you was obsessive, Casey Neistat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit like that. It's sort of annoying me. It looks sort of... Except it's nothing's going on in it. Yeah, but it might be nothing going on in this. It looks really, your desk behind you just looks like, I don't know, like you've got it going on.
Oh, thanks. You have the office of a man with several businesses all happening at once was the reality is different, I'll tell you. Do you have something? Well, I have the office of a man who's just had a new desk. Well, there's a picture and there's a really nice light. That's Mike's picture. Well, there's a really nice light. You've got like a fancy light. Well, that's Naomi. Yeah, I'll cover this. Yeah, it's just you, isn't it?
There's people around you with taste, and they've put together, and actually there's you on the left, because there's a big pile of stuff actually, like stuff that needs putting away. So it's not as impressive on the other side. So I'll tell you what that is. What is it? But I do autographs, didn't I? I've got about 40 autographs. Have you? Yeah. From the film.
What? Is it from the film? No, just from afterlife and that. What? You must get all that. No? Oh, right. I guess if you're in light entertainment, no. Well, if anything, I should get more for being in light entertainment. You must do.
How do you get them? What do you mean? Do they come to your agent? Then he forwards them on us of it. Yeah. So you talk about this office having nothing going on with it. I've got seven minutes of work. Yes, exactly. And I've put off since last November. Now, I do occasionally get them. But I'm making out you don't. I bet you get low. No, I don't give a character you play. Come on.
This live-back character doesn't come on. I think they've seen through the fact I'm not laid-back character through this podcast. No. Driven. Driven. Driven. Do you know what I'm fucking going to try and find? I don't know what I want. It's horrifically ambitious.
We don't have to go my office, so there's fuck all going on in it. I know there isn't. They're horrifically driven. Horrifically driven. Oh, dear. Right. Loose behind the scenes.
Got nothing. I thought he'd turn up to the Metis, his laid backs of hobo, his sunken trainers. Comes with a team of lawyers. Oh, no! He's turned up guns of blazing. Demar is left right in the centre. Four points off the back end, whatever that means. Yeah, I'm fucking out.
you don't get to where you are boy you don't get to where you are without emailing Julius Sutherland saying why didn't you
Well, I remember something and it took me about six hours to go run. No, do tell David that. I remember that. I don't know. I don't know if I can tell you what I did. I'm so embarrassed. I've gone hot. Okay. I kept trying to find it. I kept a diary of my first like 150 gigs. Basically. What? What?
Yes! We got an X-Series sorted! I'm trying to find it. Oh, you're trying to find it, you know where it is. No, I'm trying to, it's on a laptop somewhere. I've got backups and I just, oh my God. I'm familiar with this. How am I, like, just a paragraph on each gig? Yeah, basically, yeah.
Yeah. Well, how it went down and how the materials... Just everything about it. Oh, God, I remembered why I was writing as well. I could please find it. I'm going to try and find it. I didn't remember that yesterday and I've spent most of it deliberating whether I should admit it. And then I thought, no, he admitted that you did chamberly and think...
So yeah, I can't change that. I have Julia Sutherland. Who's Julia Sutherland? I don't know. No one knows who either of us. I would say Julia Chamberlain. I don't even know Julia Chamberlain. The woman you emailed desperately to get through to a pointless competition. Gatekeeper. Julia has produced Gilded Balloons competition for comedy newcomers. What you should say in brackets, she has the real eye for who should go out in the first round.
Oh, she'll remember. She did the, yeah, that's right. She does all that. Yeah, God Almighty. Imagine doing that every year and to sift through thousands of times. She's seen it all before as well.
No, I just suddenly thought every year, same bottom. But also, I'll be interested to put yourself in that position. Oh, no, it's such a weird... Yeah, who was I talking to? I was talking to someone the other day about how that kind of shift, when you first start, there's this sort of, you, do you want to do my gig, do you?
And then it's sort of you have to deal with these people and basically beg, don't you? You have to beg to get on their gigs. Yeah. Awful. So to me. Like who? Who are you talking about? Well, I'm not sure I want to. Well, there's one story. I told you this person's story. I've told you this loads of times.
I know you have, I can't remember it. Well basically, this person run like a showcase gig thing and I emailed and said, is there any chance I can do an audition to do your package show trial basically? And he just replied onward, just replied back, no.
Just know. And I was like, and now I get quite a bit. You emailed to say, is there any chance I can audition? You know, it was like a package show in Edinburgh. What's a package show, just like four comics? Four comics will do it, or maybe six comics will do in 10 minutes or 15 minutes or so. For the whole month.
Yeah. Right. And then he was doing these like a competition thing where you could do a gig and if you're good enough you get through to another thing and then basically it was a competition to get on his package, a package show. Which would probably be in the back of a pub. Yeah.
Yeah, utterly pointless. But it was like all the, and so it was like, could I do one of the slots of the 10 people in the first, like your Julia Chamberlain thing? Yeah. And I'd done a gig with him the previous week.
So I thought, OK, this is a perfect time to contact him. And it went well. I couldn't. He just said, no, N-O. Yeah, that was the only thing he put on the email. Have you got that email? Fucking hell yeah. I'd love to see that.
How many years ago was that? Can we just go through all your old things across to everyone and anyone? So just randomly scroll down and find an email from anyone.
Let's do Hotmail roulette. Okay, that's a great idea. That's gonna scroll down. What year does it go back to? So see how far away email goes back and free the first email back, okay. Yeah, annoyingly, mine only goes back. Mine goes back to the 22nd of the second 2009. Oh, that's not good enough. What's this?
Oh, fucking hell. I should probably shouldn't have said his name, because... Oh, my God, this is really... Oh, no, it's really depressing. It's all... Oh, this made me feel sick. All my emails are gig-related. Can I... Can I track a day in? Yeah, okay. Should I do sent or received? Inbox.
Inbox. I reckon you would have been sort of busy around about March, April scurrying London doing gigs for it. Like a comedy rat.
hoovering up giggling for a noir on some laughs. I think your phone I was gnawing my way up the ladder. Nor I way through other comedians to get up the ladder.
Norring at their backbones. March the 23rd, 2010. March the 22th, 2010. OK, let's go. Or the nearest 2010.
OK, this is a lot. I've got so 2010. OK, what month? March is 23rd. Two days before my mum's birthday.
So it might be birthday related. I don't know if my mum had email at this point. I don't think she did. So 23rd, here we go. We've got. Oh, hello. Okay. Hi, Joe, Julie here.
How are you? Judy here, Stephen Grant's peer. How are you? Bath Comedia want me to get accommodation requirements up front for March. Do you think you will need accommodation for that night in the K-flat? Oh my God, you were doing Bath Comedia. And are you back registered? You were doing Bath Comedia. Yeah, yeah. You were so far ahead of me. Okay, I'll put it here. Yes, please on the accommodation. And no, I'm not back registered. Thanks, Joe.
God, it's all good. I wonder who you were on with. Oh, I remember that. Do you know what that was? I've only done it once or twice. Maybe it was probably the Jeff Norcutt, the one where he had a full chicken dinner. That's a good old day. It blew my mind that someone could be that confident that they could have a full. God, so Stephen Grant put you for that. Yeah. You know my Stephen Grant story, don't you? No.
again. I'm a wanker. I don't want to talk about it. It's just a goody, goody gum job. It's just I was
I was going through a stage of wanting to defeat the circuit. Defeat is not the right word. Beat everyone. Basically beat the gatekeepers.
But I barged through the thinking part into the world of comedy. I basically, I needed some money. And I thought, well, the way, I was so fucking aimless that I thought, I remember going in touch with comedy store and they said, well, wherever you're on, if you're trying to react. I was Stephen Grotz, but I was just, no, whatever. God, you have to say, do we need to bleep out his name?
No, because he comes out of it looking fine, I think. But, okay. Oh, no, I can't get bothered. Yeah, you have to. No, say no. No, no, no, no. I've just got, oh, fucking old, sorry, on the same day, a email, a round robin email from Fat Tuesday's. Do you remember Fat Tuesday? Yeah, turning, er, Tean and Duave. Yeah. Oh, that was a gig that... Yeah, that was a how do I get on there? And on his website, he wore a bowl of hat.
I always remember. Who is this guy wearing the bowl of hats? Who's this guy got everything going on? Am I going to get the bowl of hats in man to book me? I think I did his first ever fat Tuesday. Did you? Oh, you're a well up the run with yours. No, no, but I did, weirdly, the reason I did fat Tuesday is because I did my first ever gig and Tim was on and he'd done like three gigs.
And he said to me, I'm thinking of start, like he said to everyone on that night, he said, I'm thinking, I'm starting a gig, would you do it? And so everyone who was on that night sort of did fat Tuesdays, his first ever fat Tuesdays. And I was just in, I was in on the fact Tuesdays.
Right. We listen to in the car, we play audio books to the boys. We're going to say Old Fat Tuesday, Goose. But Cheen and Reed eat as comedy for kids, so very often he's narrating them. Oh, right. Yeah.
Can I give you another date? Yeah. Do a couple of them up ahead. Or something, just because... Yeah, okay. June the 4th, 2010. June the 4th. Where was I around this time? I'm trying to think mentally. I remember having a sort of breakdown around this time on not too backstage. Yeah, that was after... Oh, that was 2009.
Why what calls that? I'm not going to tell you now. I haven't told us a Stephen Grant story. Oh my God. What is this?
Right, OK, so what date is it, the third? I don't know. OK. June, the summer of 2010. Oh, God, this is really depressing me. It's all gig related. It's all right. It got you to where you are now. I know, but this is horrible. I didn't do anything else. I know you were horrifically ambitious.
Oh man, this is bleak as a sort of text. So I just saw text from an old girlfriend, which is weird, but I'm eating it. Get around. Fucking hell messing that. So what happened there? Fizzled out, didn't it?
You were too focused on your career. Okay, so, okay, right, so the third, here we go. Hi, Joe slash Diane, hope you both take it. This is from Will Wood. Oh, I know. Is he Bristol based? Not a bit. He was the director, he was the producer. Oh, nice. Annoying me, you're in contact with all the people I tried to be in contact with, and they weren't interested.
really annoying me okay so attaches amended version of the Edinburgh press release along with pleasant info form if you could add the relevant detail oh so this would be because we were doing an Edinburgh show oh fucking it was that 2010 oh yeah oh god
Right. Yeah. So we were. So they, yeah, it'd be a couple of months for Edinburgh, wouldn't it? Yeah. And so God. Oh, no, it's got the two of those that mash press releasing. Oh, God. Two of those have mashed their back, but don't expect any hefty punchlines or. Oh, my God. Is that what he said? Yeah. I don't think I would have.
Can you imagine what all the older comics are thinking, huh? Yeah, fucking seen it all before, mate. Turning the genre upside down, or it'll just not get in laughs.
Here, give me a date. See if I'm comedy, but I'm not. There's my fucking dentist or something in my world. 2009, March the 23rd, 2009. I think I'll go back to the 11th. First email, first email at the bottom. Really? First email you've got a new inbox. What is it?
It's from Naomi, look at the tits on that. That'll be a picture of me.
Oh, God. Have I ever told you about the Dr. Peter Throft? Like Twitter character? Yeah, the one that's a sex doctor or something. But when it all sort of kicked off?
It was real. It was a nutty time, like, for about two months. Sort of. I don't remember. I remember it because we were talking about it. Because didn't you do like a joy of sex thing or something? Yeah, I just started up an inept sex counselor on Twitter.
But didn't people take it seriously or something? Yeah, and it just got... Because it was 2011, so it felt quite early. Right. In the... I was like, fucking hell, what's the... First night now, you couldn't do it. Did you get lots of followers because everyone... Because yeah, because everyone does parodies and stuff. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, what happened? I don't remember.
Yeah, I just got lots of followers and then some of the Twitter art he got involved. And some of them didn't know that I'd love to know names because they were complete cocks because they thought I was real. Who, so famous people? Yeah. And it could text me. Text me who was a knob, just one. I can't remember a bloody name, a presenter.
So what were they? So they were basically saying, stop giving bad advice basically. Yeah, that kind of thing got offended by. Oh, right. OK, but what is this person now then? Are they still on? Are they still favor? Oh, do you know?
Who's that? You'd know shit this one, but it was all around. Yeah. Yeah. I can imagine that person losing an album as well. I've got a story about that person as well. I know you have it. Oh, do you know the story? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't tell that one, can you? If I told that story in here, that would make the papers, I think.
Oh yeah. That's how my big time. That's mad, isn't it? Having a nugget of information like that. I'm going to look up Dr Peter Thrift and see if there are any reactions to it. It's funny, isn't it, how people just
Now, you just go, someone's pretended to be a sex doctor. Oh, you wouldn't, you just wouldn't. Yeah. I found out it's still there. Fucking hell, it's got 14,000, 14,000 followers. That's it. Seaman can sometimes look like jelly. This is what you've been. Okay. On average, okay, some of these are, I'm not reading that one. That's about in your clitoris with four fingers can be incredibly good fun.
Laughing at my own tweets. Oh, fuck you, Neil. To the usual penis, wherever possible. You do this when you do this. But your anus can occasionally smell of old blood.
This is great. Elderly individuals who continue to have a sex drive are not dirty. This is the best thing. You just read to eat in PGA News Feed. I know. I used to do sex advice and then golf, golf news and then I used to talk about my 12-year-old nephew. Happy 4th date of Jonathan. He's 12 tomorrow.
It can be a turn off to Grimace whilst swallowing semen. This is the best thing you've done. To anily fist yourself, firstly, your hand must take the shape of a duck's beak. I want this to ever stop.
Do not feel guilty about your sexual thoughts, CG sex with someone with no legs. Join a barrel's range in size. Oh god. It's fun to eat a ring donor off a penis.
I came out. I came out. Oh God, this is so good. It got sort of, I felt like I was losing control a bit. Ladies, acting hungry when performing oral sex is thrilling for your partner.
Okay now One way to make anal sex enjoyable is to change your diet
Oh, fucking hell. I still haven't got over the factory to eat golf stuff. PDA news. It can always count on Ian Poulter for some reason. Then immediately after a 34% of men have masturbated in the sea. Oh, yeah.
Oh God, wow, what a journey. 27% of women have performed all sex whilst driving on an A-road. Wiping your anus over your partner's face can be thrilling. You like the phrase can be thrilling.
Try probing your anus with the end of a marker pen, even a marker pen. Oil the top of your penis and then turn it like a doorknob.
The household sex props include water, feather dust, or pillowcase. Do not fear the anus. What are you? Oh, fucking hell, I'm laughing at old tweets of mine. This is a terrible sex. It really is, but I don't come out. It doesn't come out of mud and not bad, so let's continue.
Men, drag your penis from the south end of the vagina to the north. Drag. Oh, fuck. How old age were you when you were doing this?
38.7. It's all right then isn't it? Oh fucking hell. Green semen is usually the result of infection. Blue semen very often indicates a more serious problem. Someone just one more. Some men enjoy being power-bottomed.
It's the same joke over and over again. The average penis in North America is five and a half inches long. How to give a thrilling blowjob. Stick your tongue out, head position, short resting periods.
Oh yeah, I used to block loads of people. So many people say, he blocked me, he blocked me. Oh fuck yeah, that would annoy the Twitter art. Oh dear.
Oh God, I love the fact people took this seriously. How? How many? Because it was ten years ago. I know, it just seems so mad you'd go. There's a sense... There weren't many... Well, they were. Of course. There were enough to be able to trick people. It's... Oh, just remember. Some of the pictures. Oh, the pictures are made. The guy did the pictures.
There's a woman who's just a wire and a plug sticking out of her face. Yeah, yeah. You should always be careful what objects do in certain to your vagina. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, this is so baffling, people are like, this is a doctor. Look at your picture as well. Oh, that wasn't that I put that at the end. Oh, right. Fucking hell, though. If you actually thought that was
Yeah, no, no, I didn't. It's so funny. Oh, we've got Julian's should be stick the weather on. It's Julian. I don't know. So, and so Vivian, Julian. Vince. And Vince. Right. Yeah, should we do the weather and go? Yeah. Oh, shit. No, bad. OK.
So, yeah, Vivian couldn't make it today. Yeah, what's he doing? What's better than this? I don't know, he's doing some performance, I think. Oh. He's pre-recorded the weather for us, which is very good of him. So, I'll... What a pro. Here we go. Thank you, Vivian. And now on Chatterbix, the weather. Do you say the third of May to Wednesday, the fourth of May. Today, there will be a good deal of cloud along with the scattering of showers.
although a few bright or sunny intervals are likely, warmer than the last couple of days across southwestern areas. Tonight, another mostly cloudy night with a few showers and clear outbreaks of rain, heavy in places moving east across central and northern areas.
Wednesday, rain turning showery across central and eastern parts of England by afternoon. Some heavy showers with chance of hail and thunder, drier in west and north with sunny spells developing. And now back to you in the studio. Oh, that's lovely. That is lovely. They still got it. Yeah, yes.
Oh, OK, brilliant. Yeah, shall we join? Oh, I'll talk to you about that. Sorry, I was in a minute. Yeah, now I need to talk to you about something. Yeah. OK. All right. Speak to you, sweetie. Speak to you, sweetie. All right. Bye listeners. Bye.
