Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .

I am at this point looking for ways that I can grow in my personal emotional intelligence and strengthen how I can connect with my wife. You used all the right good, counselor-y words. Tell me what you're really struggling with like day to day.

What's up? Hey, everybody. This is John, the Dr. John Deloney show. Hope you're doing well. And I hope the world you find yourself in is one where you're safe when you're having fun and you're finding some joy, some laughter somewhere in this wild, wild world. Hey, Kelly, when is election day? Are we past it when we're recording the show early? Yes, this show publishes on the 22nd of November. So we'll be a few weeks past it at this point.

So I'm making a prediction. We still won't know who the president is because everyone's going to sue everybody and be mad. And you think? Yes. I think it's going to be that's that's valid because I think it's going to be a close election. So I think that I can see. I'm feeling landslide in my guts. I love that we can put this like down because we'll know. Yeah. By this time, we'll know. I was talking trash about my Astros by the time it published. Your Rangers had won. Yeah. That was a good memory. It was great. Love that one.

This weekend I was in Houston and one guy at the concert I was at. He was one of the sound guys. He had a shirt and it was the Astros on it, but it just had Houston cheaters and it was.

it was it was it was good i had uh... like that if i had to that guy to wear it with fifteen thousand rabbit metal fans and just to decide care it's awesome support that but uh... yes this is out hope wherever you happen to be you're doing okay the show talk about your mental and emotional health relationships if you want to be on the show it's real people going through real challenges give me a buzz at one eight four four six nine three thirty two ninety one or go to john daloney dot com slash ask

And I guess we will see who's right or who's wrong. I'm sure the Internet's will let me know. You were wrong or we're still waiting. Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully. Geez Louise. All right, let's go out to Des Moines. Yes, let's go out to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Paul. What up, Paul? Hey, John, how are we doing today? There we go. I'm doing great. How about you, man? Doing well, doing well. I want to start this off. And thanks for all the help you've done for me and my relationships so far.

Uh, definitely give me a different outlook on life. So I appreciate the insight. I'm grateful, man. Hope that outlook is a good one, not a, not a sideways one. Well, you sparked plenty of conversation. Let's put it that way. Hey, that's, there we go. What's up? Well, I am open. You can help me a little bit more today. I am a newly recently married man and

that, as you know, comes along with plenty of changes in life. No, no, no. I, you know, I'm learning again that I don't quite have it all figured out, but that's, uh, I am at this point looking for ways that I can grow in my personal emotional intelligence and strengthen how I can connect with my wife emotionally. Uh, that is definitely an area I have struggled with. Uh, in adulthood, it's

a area I'm not too familiar with, but I'm hoping you can give me some tips or something to strengthen that area in my life. Yeah, man. So you used all the right, good, counselor-y words or like the, the, the Internet-y words. Tell me what you're really struggling with like day to day. Yeah. Well, I guess that's the interesting thing is I really don't feel as though I am struggling. You know, I feel like

Everything is pretty good for me. And I think I am there and many of the ways I need to be. And it's just a common theme that I hear from my wife, which is, you know, you do all these things. You're so great in so many areas. But the one thing that I'm not quite getting from you that I wish I could was this emotional connection. And I guess I come from a family that's not very

outward with our emotions, to say the least. And he comes from one that is very emotionally expressive. And so that is like two different worlds colliding right there. And I'm not really even sure how to navigate that. So that's a great collision there in your house. And I guess if she was on the phone here, I think there's a tendency with people who are over a motors and over talkers. And you are currently talking to one right now.

yeah i am i'm mostly speaking hyperbole and mostly am a lot they they can

I have an office, a little officey, I don't know, complex. There's a bunch of us in this one big giant room. And when I open the door, they can feel me coming in. They'll all yell, hi, John, before they even see me around the corner, because I just come in such a lot. Okay. It is easy for people like me, like your wife, to think we are somehow elevated or superior to those around us who are internal processors.

who are quiet or introverts. There's a great book, and I forgot the author, I've topped my head. It's called Quiet. And it may be a book that y'all read together. It's really a phenomenal book. Kelly, can you look up who wrote that book, Quiet? She'll grab the author, but here's the thing. I want you to know, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

Okay. Or you're not somehow malfunctioning unless, unless she is coming to you and saying, I can feel how angry you are and you're refusing to talk to her. But that doesn't sound like that's the situation. No, no, not at all. It's, it's more of like, you know, I can be pretty straight faced and still through about anything, you know, even if it's an argument we're having or

And I don't know. It's like I am not very expressive with things. And I think that she can't read what I'm thinking. And then that kind of sends her into overdrive a little bit sometimes. She come from a pretty wild growing up. To say the least. Yeah. Tell me about it. I would separate separated parents and father-in-law enforcement and a lot of stories I have heard of feeling like she is a

uh, regulator for her mother as a child, you know, and I think, you know, I question sometimes if she's looking to regulate me, perhaps, and I don't need it. And that kind of makes her question where to go next, but I'm not going to put that on her. I've never said that, but it's a question that it's like, again, I feel like I'm okay and I feel like things are good. And she though, I perceive it as though she is always looking for something that isn't and

That is hard when there seems like there's not something. Now, I started laughing when you first started talking because as you were saying it, I wrote the word down regulation on my paper, on my notes here. Oh, yeah. There you go. Yeah. So let's reframe it in this way. My guess is to some degree, and again, I'm throwing spaghetti at a wall here, but I think I'm right. Her being able to read a room kept her safe as a kid.

for sure. That's how she knew when dad had a bad day at the office. Or if he was going to come in really angry. And his wife always was trying to ping pong around and figure out emotional regulation, who and what and how. And you've listened to the show, so I spent my career. My dad was a policeman. I grew up with that world, right? And that's been my professional world too. So I can imagine she's always walking into a room

Trying to make sure she's okay to be there. For sure. And then you. Then you, Paul. Here I go. You're just steady eddy, right? I'd like to think so, yeah. Yeah. And so here's the deal. Over time, you will be the gift that her nervous system desperately needs. And let's be honest, she's going to bring some joy and excitement and fun

It will never occur to you to jump up on a table somewhere and take your shirt off and make out. And thank God you married her, right? For sure. Okay. You would just be like, let's look at spreadsheets and then go to bed, right? Like whatever. Maybe not quite that extreme. But here's the thing. Here's what I'm going to give you a couple of easy passes, but I want you to see her when she says you're not being emotional and I can't read you. That's her asking.

Do you see me into my safe in here? Sure. Yeah. She definitely uses that safety word. Okay. So what I want you to begin to practice with her are ways that you can communicate to her and remember behaviors of language that she's safe and she's loved. Well, you're not betraying who you are, which is you're just not a demonstrative maniacal guy.

Right. Okay. And so sometimes that is as simple as, and people sometimes roll their eyes, but the feedback I get all the time working on an app and the feedback has been hilarious because it's like I never thought something this simple would be so transformative in my marriage. Simple things like SOS, skin on skin contact four times a day for about 10 to 15 seconds. Right. When you wake up, we're just going to touch feet under the covers.

Or if you get up really early and she gets up a little bit later or vice versa, often people who are emotional regulators like her get up really, really early because her body's just snap them up because they got to make sure everything's okay. And maybe you sleep in. Is that her? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Hard to go to sleep. Easy to pop up and open awake. Correct. Okay. So when you get up,

go straight for nothing else. I mean, obviously go to the bathroom or whatever, but for coffee before anything else, put your hand on the back of her neck and give her a slow long hug. Okay. And then right before you go to work, put your hands on either side of her face and just put your forehead on her forehead. And the first thing you do when you walk in the door after work, you make sure your phone is away.

and you just set down whatever you got or when she comes in, I don't know your work schedules or whatever, but when one of you comes in, everything in your world stops and you go give her a 15 second hug. And then before bed, even after y'all have been like, if y'all had sex or whatever, even after all that, right before you go to sleep, before you just roll over and go to sleep,

10 or 15 seconds of just skin on skin contact, okay? Sure, yep. It touches a high regulator, especially when there is an emotional, an energetic mismatch, if you will. The second thing is I want you to press a little bit on her being specific. What do you need for me right now? How can I love you right now? I just need you to show something.

We hold both of my hands and look at me. And she might not see it, but she'll feel it. Okay. Okay. And here's the third thing. You probably at some shape form or fashion want to try to solve her emotional dysregulation. Don't. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I knew that was good. Don't try to solve her. She's not a broken engine. In fact, she is a extraordinary ball of feminine energy in your house. It's awesome.

Right. And so let it let that light shine in your home and be so grateful that you married her and coming as a part of that, having that that amazing ball of energy and light in your house, you're going to get burned. Sometimes that's fine. Right. Right. So, okay. So those sounds so simple. Let's go for a walk. Let's do skin on skin contact. How can I love you today? You looking at her and saying, here's my promise to you.

Any time you want to check in with me, I'm okay, but you got to hold my hand to check in. Any time you want to check in via hugs. Sure. Another thing for emotional dysregulated people. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it is amazing. Chit chat. If who makes dinner in your house? She does. Okay.

Ask her if for 15 minutes, you can just put all your stuff away and just sit in there and chat while she makes dinner. Okay. There is something about somebody being in another room while somebody's doing a project that begins to the body gins up stories about what's going on in that other room and what's happening. And it's, is he going to come in here? He's going to be upset. I don't know who I'm going to get when I get it right. And it just kind of builds and builds and builds and builds and builds. And then you are so gracious that you just got home from work and she's making dinner and you pop down at the table and it's on.

And you don't even like what happened here, right? So, yeah, walk into something I didn't even know I was. Hey, you have been, she's been in a fight with you for 45 minutes. You didn't even know she was there. Exactly. I find myself a few steps behind. Okay. Here is two things I want you to ask of her. Number one, please do not have imaginary conversations about me.

have them directly with me, have practice, have the courage to have those conversations with me, and I will never make you feel small or little for asking those questions, whatever you're gonna ask. You still love me, do you think I'm beautiful? That's just her touching base and saying, am I safe here? Because I wasn't growing up, am I safe here? The second one is ask her, when you're giving her a hug or when you're making physical contact, will she commit to giving you the benefit of the doubt?

Yeah. So when you ask a question, when you say a thing, when you bring something up, will she whisper to herself, he's on my team? He's on my team. Not. I can't believe, right? Because in her mind, she's always looking for a place where she's not safe and you're going to say the thing the wrong way and it's going to be proof to her nervous system that you are just like whoever else was in her life. Sure. Yeah. Does that ring a bell? Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Okay.

And dude, just for whatever it's worth. How old are you? 26 today, actually. Okay. Happy birthday, dude. Thank you. How old is she? 21. Okay. Y'all are right where you need to be, brother. Yeah. You're not broken. You're not crazy. Y'all are going to figure out a way to communicate with each other over time. If you'll work on

How can I speak in a language you can hear and will you constantly let me know that I'm safe?

And sometimes constantly letting people know I'm safe is I'm seeing you work out. I'm seeing you come home from work sweaty and tired. I am seeing dinner on the table. We're making flirty eye contact. You send me a flirty text all day. You laugh at my jokes. You chit chat with me. You're always down for whatever sex stuff I'm into. Like safety is established in all kinds of different ways and relationships and romantic relationships, especially the key here is

Can we put it on the table what we actually truly need and not these proxy? You're not emotional enough or you're too emotional. That's why we love each other underneath that. Do you see all of me and you still love me? Am I safe here? Am I safe here? Am I safe here?

Paul, you're the man, dude. You're the man. It's a bunch of tiny little fixes, not even fixes, tiny little adjustments in PLC each other and experience each other. And I think you're gonna have an amazing long-term marriage, brother. And congratulations. You're in for a ride. I'm in. We'll be right back.

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I'm all right, man. Good to speak with you, Dr. John. It's such an honor. Hold on. You're not all right. A bomb just went off in your neighborhood, man. Yeah. It's pretty intense. All right. It's kind of a blanking statement. I know. I know. You don't have to do that with us with me. Okay. Yes, sir. Don't say yes, sir. Geez, Louise. Kelly's the old one here. Not me.

Well, it is such an honor to talk with you. You know, I've been a listener for many, many years. You with them and your advice has gotten me through a lot of tough times in my life. So thank you so much. It's an honor to talk to you. You're blessing. I appreciate you. So you're blessing. Absolutely. Give me a picture on the ground, man. Asheville, North Carolina is one of probably the top two or three places, favorite places in the United States for me. And it's a retreat for me and my wife and my understanding is that largely doesn't exist right now.

Yeah, it's pretty rough here. You know, the community is really, really showing up. It's honestly just incredible to see what's going on here, neighbor to neighbor and across the community and the mountains and different counties and all that. And yeah, I mean, it's pretty rough, but I mean, we'll rebuild.

You know, I'm not in focus. They're very resilient. So we'll figure it out in time. It's going to take a long time to rebuild, but we'll get there. I wouldn't wish what happened to you guys on anything on anyone, right? Yeah. And I grew up in Houston. So this kind of stuff was not not regular, but man, we had some doozies too. And let me tell you though, when you watch the news, all that crap these days about divide, like how divisive it is and how people versus people, like there's something about experiencing what you're experiencing that has some sort of restorative

Like, I don't know, on the ground, neighbor going by neighbor. It's like, oh, dude, we're not nearly as divided as people we think we are. Right? Yeah. I don't know. It's pretty amazing. Yeah, it really gives you faith and humanity and it makes you trust people some more. A little bit more. Yeah. Yeah. Well, brother, how can I help you today, man? What's up?

So in line with the hurricane, so here my question is, how do I process feelings of resentment towards friends who haven't reached out after the hurricane? You know, like everybody in my life, including friends from 15 years ago, like different versions of me have reached out and like said, hey, are you okay? Are you safe? I just need to know like, are you good? And

you know, even people who are locally live different counties who aren't really as affected, haven't reached out close friends of mine from college, haven't reached out. And I find myself really like building these weird resentments. And I totally embody one of your sayings guilt of resentment, but I'm having a hard time really kind of seeing how that applies here. You know, life in Asheville is life in

What's in North Carolina is completely different and will be for a long, long, long time. If not forever, I mean, people are missing, people are gone, communities, businesses, art studios. It's very different. And I'm not sure how to look past that. I don't think you look past it as much as you accept it. And here's what I mean by that. There's no proverb.

that I finally sat down and confronted my anger. And she took off her mask and revealed herself as grief. I think that the worst of the worst has happened. And those friends, the people that you had psychologically leaned on as if something ever goes down, I got these guys. They're not there. Yeah. And random people from middle school called you.

Right? I find myself, anytime there's a tragedy, I find myself going through my phone and finding anybody and just be like, are you all right? If you're in my phone, I need to know you're okay. It's a weird thing I have. Yeah, we did that for everybody, next to our friends, all friends. Everybody, I just want to make sure you're okay. Are you okay? Right? And people will be like, there's like 900 miles from my house. I'm like, I don't care. I saw it on the news. Are you all right? Right. So I get that and then people don't call.

And so it's really hard. Here's, there's a psychological, I don't want to get nerdy about it, but when you're, when your neighbors are going door to door, making sure everybody's got water and people are dragging all the, you've probably seen driving on the streets and people, there's just piles of cabinets and carpet and lawn fern, like just piles of stuff in people's yard, yard after yard after yard. There is a sense that we have work to do.

And the body has a pretty amazing way of channeling, actually healing, resolving some of the impact, the psychological impact of, we're just going about our lives and all of a sudden it won't stop raining and the town washes away. Through work, through work, through work. But the social and relational part, man, they didn't show up, they didn't call. And your body's gonna look for ways to be angry.

Oh, place to put that anger that is this really the world that we live in that's so random that one afternoon, my entire city is gone. Yeah, that's the world we're in, man. And so it's easy to look for blame for anger for rage. What I want to tell you, it's that old, it's that old A.A. proverb. It's like drinking poison and hoping those buddies die. Right. It's just going to be in recovery. So like, I'm a no drinker. I know this language very well. So yeah.

So, like when it comes to practical tips, I always, and if you listen to the show for any length of time, I'm always finding myself in recommending this as some shape form or fashion, I would write those guys a letter and not send it. But I'm gonna get that out of my body. I'm actually gonna take an hour and write two letters per hour over a couple of days. Dear Tom, bro, my whole world imploded, you didn't even want to call.

Do you remember when we did this? Do you remember when I showed up for you here? And it's not a reinforcement mechanism as a much as psychologically grounding yourself in this word that none of us want to sit in and that's reality. This is the truth. Right. One afternoon, my town got washed away and you didn't even bother to call and see if I was okay. Very real. Yeah. He's dropped your shoulders in that.

Yeah, I definitely did. It just, it just, I can't show up. And I now know where my energy is going to go moving forward. Yeah. And that's an interesting piece too. You know, like even people who like I see on a day to day basis, like,

they're like who live maybe a little bit outside Asheville. So I had power or water or internet. I got internet back yesterday. I didn't have power water for like 17, 18 days, living in the dark, living alone on top of that was really, really rough, really intense. And some people I know who I consider brothers, consider very close to me.

who weren't affected at all. Their jobs are intact, water, power, resources, all intact. Just they didn't really show up the way I've shown up for them in the past, or like, you know, I thought they would, like, I, when I needed it, I could lean on them, not the case at all. And it's not a tip for tatting, but it's like, wow, like, this was a life altering region, altering, altering, like generational, like,

Yeah, but let me, let me throw this out there too, Felix. You're also spending a lot of energy by yourself with no distraction for the first time, probably in years, maybe even in your lifetime. Yeah. No internet, no TV, no light to read by at night, just you and your thoughts. And if that gets to rust upon you, it's really easy to sit there and begin to create stories.

And what you don't know is if those buddies texted and called and called and texted and got in their cars and drove and they faced roadblock after roadblock and I had to turn back and I had to turn back, I had to turn back. Right. And they may have reached out a thousand times. And they may have heard from a friend of a friend, no, no, no, Felix is all right. I checked in with him. I went and saw him. He's good. And they're like, Oh, thank God. And they're waiting for you to reach out that the power is back on.

Right, so here's the thing, you're literally creating a story in your mind and then you're trying to solve for that story. And what I would suggest is if these guys are your close bodies, maybe pick up the phone and call and be like, bro, where were you? I would hope that my closest, closest writer dies would give me that before they cast judgment on me, they would at least reach out.

I can appreciate that. Yeah. And just like, bro, you didn't show up. And if they say, dude, I had my own crut. All right. Then they're letting you know they're true colors. Exactly. But you might hear, dude, we went, we went to hell and back trying to find you. And we found out through my friend of a friend, you are right. And we went to help so and so.

And you might even hear them say, dude, you're the toughest guy we know. Wouldn't we heard you were alive and your house was okay? We would help so and so because, you know, he's still, he's still in day 90. Right. And so what, what would, here's the meta here. Here's the overarching theme. Spend less time creating stories about other people and other situations and instead go right towards reality.

Ask the question, make the phone call, reach out, or write that imaginary letter, burn it in your fireplace and be done. Right. But the more time you sit and just stew and spin and create story after story after story, the more you are choosing to be miserable in the moment. Yeah, it's killing me internally and then actually like move, then move, then move, then move, then move. Totally appreciate that. Thank you for that. Is that fair?

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, that's something I need to do. It's something I need to do for many things in my life. So that's great advice to hear from you. Yeah. It's probably the same about work. It's probably the same about call. You need to call your mom. It's probably the same. You need to forgive your dad. Like it's probably a lot of those things that just they just spin and spin and spin. Make a list of them, dude. And when you're sitting there with day 18 with no power, like, I mean, you literally have two choices. You can just start, you can start drinking again.

And I'm using drinking metaphorically, you can just start trying to Xanax over your life again, or you can make a list and be about action. I'm going to call that guy and see if he's really my friend. And right now, the story you've created, the story you're telling yourself is his life is perfect. He's back at work, just having a good old time. He's laughing, having glasses of wine, his restaurant didn't get touched. And I'm over here with no food, electricity, no water, maybe, but maybe not.

So I'm gonna call you. You're my good, good, good writer, die friend. I've shown it for you. I'm gonna call you. Maybe he was so scared he didn't know how to even pick up the phone. And because you love him and you have a long 20-year history with him, you might pick up the phone and say, dude, the next time my city gets washed away, I expect you to be on my front porch. I don't care if you're scared or what. And he's like, all right, you got it. I failed you. I'm back. That's forgiveness. Or maybe some of these buddies are just lame.

They just scumbags. They didn't show up. And you need to grieve that because you thought you were closer. And then we're going to brush our shoulders off and we're going to dust our sandals off and we're going on. Because I'm not just going to sit and stew and sit and stew and sit and stew. If you put meat in a crock pot over time, it just turns to mush. And I'm not going to do that to my spirit. I'm not going to do that to my soul.

Felix, hey brother, thank you for the call. Give me a long rebuild, brother, you call me anytime, anytime, anytime. And I'm glad that you're safe and I'm glad that you were showing up for your neighbors and your neighbors are showing up for you. We are praying for you guys during Asheville and I hope you'll reach out if you all need anything. Blessings, my brother. We'll be right back.

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So I'll start with my question and then we can get into the background. Anytime somebody says they're curious of my thoughts, that means it's gonna be a doozy. We'll see. All right, so the question is, when and how do I go about introducing my kids to my mother-in-law's new boyfriend? So getting into the back story, my father-in-law took his life last October. Oh man, I'm sorry. Jeez. Thank you.

It's been a really, really difficult year. What was his name? Bill? Bill? Yeah. I'm sorry. Thank you so much. It's been a very difficult year for us and our whole world has just completely flipped upside down. It's been a process. I have a four-year-old son and an almost two-year-old son, and my mother-in-law

started dating someone just before the earmark, which is difficult in and of itself. And now she's wanting us to meet him. But my husband and his siblings don't want to meet him. I don't necessarily want to introduce my kids to someone that will be in the picture for just a short time. I don't want them to get attached to someone when my four year old is still grieving. She still brings up his grandpa all the time, talks about him.

And so I don't know if the right thing is to introduce or just, I don't even know. How do you know when you're ready? That's such a big question. There's several. Can I pull the threads apart here a little bit? Please do. Okay. Thread number one is, this is your husband's dad and in almost every way, I would follow his lead. A thousand percent.

And so if he's not ready, if he doesn't want to meet boyfriend, then the family's not going to go meet boyfriend. Well, can I add on to that real quick? Of course, of course. So he has four siblings. He's one of four. And all four have said to mom, hey, I'm not ready. But two of the siblings have been at the house when she has brought boyfriend over without permission. So my husband and his sister have met him without consent. OK.

So that's all you need to know about what mom thinks about her kids. And also, by the way, mom was hurting. The whole thing is a mess. And so here's what I want to do. I don't want to be in other people's heads judging why they're doing what they're doing. Yes. My guess is your mother-in-law is trying so desperately, frenetically, to get back to, quote unquote, normal the way things work.

Sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's trying to find some autonomy, thousand percent. Just trying to lock it in. It's going to go back to the old ways. I'm going to be married. We're going to have a big, happy family and then we can get all the grandkids back and everything's going to be the way it was. Right. Oh, yeah. And that's just part of the grieving process. Hopefully she doesn't run in and marry somebody.

Dating somebody's fine. You get some scars doing that, but you learn, right? And you can exhale. If you just go marry somebody, it creates a whole other issue. But yeah, she's struggling and just like, look, here he is. He's great. See? And not trying to vomit all over her kids, but she did, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So the first thing is I would let your husband walk through that. My hope is one day he can be happy that mom finds somebody new.

You know, that's the interesting thing is we kind of have the best of both worlds. He doesn't want her to be alone. And so he's glad that she's with someone. But on the other hand, he doesn't want to see it and I want to talk about it. And so he gets to do that. And at some point, mom may say, Hey, here's one of my boundaries. I'm married now. This is my new husband. This is my new life. I want you a part of it, but I can't just take my husband and carve him out.

And so hopefully they can negotiate that and navigate those boundaries over time. It's just it's just a messy season. Hasn't been a year yet, right? Yes. Yes. Here's the second thing. Tell me about you. Did you did you love this guy? Was he scary? Like, tell me about your relationship with them. I love that man, Gary Lee. Yes, he was scary, but I loved him dearly. He's kind of a

a big intimidating looking guy, but just the biggest teddy bear kind of guy, just the last couple of years of his life were really difficult. And no one really knew how bad he was struggling because he didn't open up about it. And so it was very hard. He was even another dad to me. Yeah. So I think an important thing for you and your husband, and this is all the only people that you can, you can manage in this moment, right? Mm hmm.

If you haven't already, both of you need to write him a letter and read it to each other. Dear Bill, and in that letter, usually there's like, I often recommend people write three different letters. That might be a lot for you guys right now, but one of those, there has to be some sentiment about I miss you. I pick up the phone to call you and I miss you. And there has to be a sentiment, a discussion about how angry I am. I can't believe you did this to us.

Yeah. And that's valid and it has to be expressed. And then the third thing that I always tell people is you have to write about what they're going to miss. Here's what you're going to miss. I'm going to be the most amazing wife to your son. You don't even know. You're going to miss the little league games. You're going to miss prom pictures.

My son's gonna miss getting a wrestle with his gigantic, crazy bear looking granddad. All that, yeah. You took that from us. And we're gonna move on. And took that from, like that language is abrupt and hard when somebody dies by suicide, right? For sure. We're not trying to tell facts here. We're trying to let this stuff cycle through our body. Yeah. And when you write a letter about, or you write a section of a letter about, so here's who I'm gonna be.

I will love your son till the end of time. And your husband might say something along the lines of, I will be the dad and the husband that you tried so hard to be and you were sick and you just couldn't be. Okay. But what we're doing is we're giving our bodies an understanding that we are now turning our gaze, not back anymore, but we're looking forward now. Yeah.

Okay, and reading it together, as the great David Kessler says, grief demands a witness. It's important to write those letters, but you need to read them in front of somebody. And if he's really got gangster siblings, they all write a letter to dad, and they all read them together, and they're gonna be different. My guest is with a dad like that, there's gonna be four kids all over the spectrum when it comes to who's degrees of wellness, right? And degrees of how well they married, right? There's gonna be some. Okay.

That's what I would, cause you need to grieve this. Your husband needs to grieve it. And since it was his dad, I always give him the 51-49. Like you make the call, we go into Christmas or not. So that being said, um, I love all that and a thousand percent will do that. That being said, my, my husband kind of thinks that the kids won't remember even if we introduce mom's boyfriend. I would not introduce mom's boyfriend. Absolutely not. Okay. They're not ready. Okay.

Okay. Oh, I would talk about if it's still okay. Granddaddy got real, real sick and he died. Yeah. And we miss him so, so much. And whenever your kid brings up Granddaddy, it's okay. I think it's healthy for you to look at your son or your daughter and to drop your shoulders and say, I'm so sad he got very, very sick and that he died. I'm very sad.

And that way they don't feel crazy. I miss grandpa. Where is he? I miss him too. Yeah. And let them see almost an over expressive like demonstrative. Let them see your shoulders like, record big. Let them see that in their mom and in their dad. And maybe bring them along and ask if they want to write a letter to Granddad. Oh, that's right. Or draw a picture for Granddad. Yeah.

Cause we don't want those kids to learn in our house. If there's a tragedy, we don't talk about it. We keep it quiet and we bury it. You want to show them, I wrote a grown up letter to granddad. He's not going to be able to read it because he died, but I wanted some things. I want to tell them. And when I get sad, this is what I, how I do it. When you draw him a picture, he can see it from up in heaven, right? We're going to, we're going to use that kind of language.

Okay, for sure. But we're teaching them, life will hit us in the mouth a thousand different times over the course of our life. And we don't hold it. And it's okay to talk about it in this house. And it's okay to be sad and grownups get sad and dads cry. Moms get their heart broken and all that. Yeah. But I just know the data, the stats on abuse, the stats on all that stuff. And I'm not, I'm not putting my kids with boyfriends or any of that kind of stuff until I've firmly vetted those, those dudes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know this man and I don't.

I don't have any interest in it or do you think my kids anytime soon? The way you said that is the right way to say it, because mom is going to say, this is my new husband, this is your new father-in-law, and your language was perfect, Katie. I don't know this man. He is a dude at a TJ Maxx. I don't know that guy. And she might vet him, doesn't matter.

At some point, if she marries him and it's going to be forever, your husband and in you, y'all can take him to coffee and do an interview before he has access to your children. Oh, I love that. Hey, you're marrying my mom with arms crossed. Tell me about yourself. He is guilty until proven innocent, not really, but you know what I mean. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. And if he's a man of character and integrity,

He enters that coffee, that, that lunch at Cracker Barrel with such grace and dignity and humility. And if he's a total prick and he's like, man, you don't talk to me that way. Then he's, it's all you need to know, right? Exactly. Yeah. Guy just tell you, Sister Katie, I'm, I'm heartbroken for it. I'm sorry. Thank you so much. We are, we are too.

Um, have y'all done a holiday yet? Have y'all done Christmas yet? We have, yeah. Y'all did a first Christmas without him? Yeah, so we just hit the first year mark on October 4th. Okay. My guess is last Thanksgiving Christmas or somewhat watery, blurry? Yes. Yeah. This one's going to be real hard.

I'm not looking forward to that. Nope. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to head directly into it. What does that mean? Make him a plated for Thanksgiving. Make him a seed. Okay. And everybody go on the table and say one thing they miss about granted, they're grateful for. Okay. At Christmas, put a stocking on the wall.

We're not going to go through the rest of our life pretending that this powerful important man didn't play an amazing role in our life. And also, um, that we have so much guilt that we didn't know. We didn't say the right thing. We wish we had, we're, we're just going to head straight into it. Okay. Because otherwise there's going to be an empty seat at that table. There's not going to be any seat at that table and everyone's going to be thinking about it. Yeah. And secrets are what bury families in these moments.

Yeah. Yeah. Secrets are what took my father as well. Yeah. We're not doing secrets. Not at this house. We're going to have a seat for granddad and we're all going to say something we miss. And your kids are going to see mommy and daddy cry. But there'll be tears of gratitude at Thanksgiving dinner. Okay. Is that cool? I'll do that. A thousand percent. Can I revise something I just said? Yes, sir.

I would probably not put a plate there for a four-year-old. That's going to confuse that kid. He's too young. I would go around the table and say something that you're grateful for that you missed about Granddad. Don't put a table there because he's going to be waiting because, yeah, developmentally, that four-year-old is going to be waiting for him to show up and he won't show up. That'll be too weird for him. But I do think it's important to have a gratitude moment around the table during Thanksgiving.

and potentially have a moment at Christmas. Talk about Christmas. Talk about what Grandpa used to do before he got sick. He dressed up like Santa and be silly and be goofy or he would always bring candy. You guys don't remember this, but Granddad used to. Tell those stories. Tell those stories. Tell those stories. I'm grateful for you, Katie. I'm so sorry. Your kids are lucky to have you and your husband's lucky to have you.

We'll be right back.

Marilyn gave me a chance when no one should have. She brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism, and she challenged me when I needed help. In Jean-O-Well taught me how to be a dad, a husband, a professional, and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time.

big-time thanks to Marilyn and John Noel. And for all you listeners, I know you have people in your own life that you're grateful for, and hopefully you stop and thank them. But there's one person that we often don't take time to think enough, ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving, we're moving forward, we're grinding towards a better life, better relationships, and a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, this isn't easy.

So here's my reminder to think that people in your life, including you, and sometimes we need more than just a thank you. We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially during the holiday seasons.

That's why I recommend my friends a better help. Better help is a 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anytime, so it's convenient for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at anytime for no extra cost. This holiday season, let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back, Kelly. Am I the problem?

All right, first of all, we need some more, am I the problem and cool crap that happened? Okay. So please send them in, email them to ask John at ramsysolutions.com and put in, you know, the beginning of it, am I the problem or cool crap that happened? So we know. Thank you. All right. This is from Caroline. She says,

My two adult sisters and I rent a house together. I'm the oldest of the three. I'm struggling with resentment around household chores. I've always been more tidy than my sisters and mess bothers me way more than it bothers them so I clean it up. One sister suggested we have assigned chores. I don't like that idea because I tried that in the past in a different living situation

and ended up becoming the mom of the housemates, reminding them to do their chores and then doing them myself because it bothered me. So assigning chores didn't solve the problem or my resentment issues in the past scenario. I've been mom to my sisters growing up, one is 11 years younger than me and one is four years younger than me, and I don't want to be their mom anymore.

plus any discussion about assigning chores won't happen unless I spearhead it and make it happen. Still, as it is, I do the yard work, the dishes, pay most of the bills, submit the work order request, do most of the cleaning, et cetera. I don't want to take on the task of spearheading a chores assignment meeting, writing up the chores, reminding people to do them, and then doing them anyway.

But then I feel bad for getting upset because I know it's a personality thing and I know they aren't trying to take advantage of me. They just don't care about the clutter in the mess as much as I do. Is it understandable that I get upset with their little participation or am I the problem? Oh, she, man. She she twisted up that last question. Is she the problem here? I'm going to say yes. She's a problem. And here's why.

The way she asked the question, is it okay that she's upset that they don't do any chores? Of course. That they're not helping with anything. Of course she should be upset about that. But that's not where the problem is. The problem is they're all adults. And for decades, they've had the same rhythms and routines in relationship dynamics. And so for her to re-enter into those as housemates and then pretend they're all gonna suddenly change and pretend like,

She just keeps sticking her hand back in the bag and there's a rattlesnake in there. It keeps biting her. And she's like, stop biting me. And then she just shoves her hand back in the bag. And at some point, the rattlesnake's a rattlesnake. You're 11, your sister that's 11 years younger than you just doesn't clean up. You can make peace with it or you can get frustrated by it. There's a thing. She doesn't want to be their mother and she is 100% acting like their mother. Contempt.

Always leads to you being alone. Always, because contempt is hierarchical. It is you on top of a ladder looking down.

I somehow am better than you. And you might not think I'm better than you, but I'm... Yes, you're the problem. Here's why. Either move out, or make peace with it. Your sisters are messy. Do the lawnwork, lawnwork, pay the bills, or say, guys, I'm gonna get my own place. And I can keep it as tidy, and clean, and jee-chee-ing as I want to. That's my thought we think, Kelly.

It'd be so funny if you're like, you're an idiot. No, actually I agree because I'm a bit of an eat freak. So I knew I've had a roommate before that wasn't and wasn't her fault. That's just who she was. So it was better for me to live by myself. New near. Of course, now my roommate who happens to be my husband is also the same way. Different story. But that's a different show when Kelly calls in with all of her marriage. Vraba tune in. Love you guys. Bye.