One Good Korean
en-us
January 27, 2025
TLDR: Discussion of mobile games addiction, World War III, writing wills, character references, Cutie with the Crazy Eyes, The Korean Kite, food experiences, Ozempic use, billionaires, revenge fantasies, and war stories, featuring Bobby Lee, Andrew Santino, Juicy, Fancy, and other guests. Mentions of Bad Friends merchandise, social media accounts, podcast platforms, and sponsors.

In this episode of the One Good Korean podcast, hosts Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino dive into a variety of intriguing and humorous topics that range from personal stories and observations to broader societal issues. Here’s a detailed summary of the key points discussed in the episode:
Addictions and Personal Insights
Mobile Game Addiction: Bobby opens up about his obsession with a specific mobile game, which leads to a candid discussion on addiction in various forms, including watching the same YouTube videos repeatedly. It emphasizes a common human tendency to seek distractions to avoid dealing with feelings.
Emotional Vulnerability: Bobby shares that he often watches emotional videos to provoke a good cry, highlighting how some people use tears as a method for emotional release.
World Conflict and Humor
World War III: The conversation shifts dramatically to the hypothetical scenario of World War III, where both hosts speculate about the potential for global conflict and their reactions to being drafted into the military. The humorous tone cleverly intertwines serious themes of war.
Cultural Commentary: They humorously discuss the interactions between different cultures, reflecting on historical conflicts and societal stereotypes, including comments about different races and how they react in crisis situations.
Quirky Jokes and Anecdotes
Big Head People: Bobby introduces a comical discussion about a discovery of ancient humanoids with large skulls, leading into a light-hearted examination of their possible modern descendants.
Unique Culinary Experiences: The hosts share humorous culinary failures, such as Bobby's story about burnt chicken and dry fried rice, creating a relatable moment about the struggles of achieving perfection in cooking.
Societal Observations
Ozempic and Weight Loss: They touch on current trends regarding weight loss medications and societal pressures to conform to certain beauty standards, revealing a mix of absurdity and reality in public discussions about health.
Wealth and Power World: Discussion turns to wealthy figures and corporations like BlackRock and Jeff Bezos, demonstrating how financial power shapes the world, often to the humorously bewildered reactions of the hosts.
Dark Humor and Honest Talk
Revenge Fantasies: Bobby shares his thoughts about revenge fantasies, leading to a humorous yet dark commentary about how far people would go in their quest for vengeance.
Insurance Plans: There's a poignant and funny interlude involving discussions around writing wills and the awkwardness that arises from planning for death, reflecting a blend of humor and sincerity.
Final Thoughts and Future Plans
Living Will Discussion: The episode culminates in a discussion on living wills. Bobby humorously delves into how he would handle his possessions after death, offering insight into his playful but insightful personality.
Planning Moves: Bobby and Andrew discuss serious resolutions and future plans, including the idea of moving to Nevada for tax benefits and to start a comedy club, illustrating their ambition wrapped in playful banter.
This episode masterfully combines humor and serious subject matter, creating an engaging discussion that keeps listeners entertained while also encouraging reflection on personal and societal issues. The candidness of Bobby and Andrew makes the episode relatable, providing plenty of food for thought, along with ample laughter.
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You two are bad friends. You are these two idiots. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. It's a new year, by the way. New is a new year and it's a year of- Any resolutions that you got coming up? Oh my god, you have no idea what you're saying right now dude. You have no idea. I have a resolution. Can we say resolution city?
You're in resolution city? Yeah, that's where I'm in resolution city right now. Let's break it down. So I'm going to work on some other addictions. What are they? You know how you're my therapist or a cop? Both. Okay. So officer, I have
I do some strange things that, um, this is not funny. It's just real. Now real is good. So there's this Netflix. You know how sometimes you go to Netflix and there's mobile games you can download. Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm the, you're thinking, who's this for?
You know what I mean? I download all of them, right? But there's this one game that I play and there's like 10,000 levels, but I only play one level 1,000 times. What? Eight hours in time. Just sitting there on my kitchen counter and the level's like two minutes and it's the same basic level. It feels like a cranny, candy crutch again. It's one of those like puzzle games where you know what I mean? You line things up.
Wait, I saw you play this. Yeah, I only play one level and I was telling my therapist there today and she goes, stop. Why? Because I'm running away. I'm being obsessive about something and I do it because I don't want to feel.
You know what I mean? It's like, I do a lot of things where it's like, I don't want to feel. So I just, I'll watch the same YouTube video over and over again. And it becomes, um, it's not, it's not healthy. I'll tell you, I had to, I got a good feel. I got a good cry this morning, big time. Whenever I want a real good cry, what do you see? I watched that Ian Wright video with, with, uh, with the teacher, with Mr. Pigdon. Yeah. I thought you did. Yeah. Yeah. What a great video. I'm very much alive Ian. Yeah. And he goes,
someone told me he said. Yeah, that's a great fuck. I cry every time. Yeah. I watch, if I need a good cry, watch Ian Wright reunited with his primary school teacher, Mr. Payton. And why do, why do I love that you not love that?
Well, he's the most prolific goal score in Arsenal's history. Thank you. And he said, you know what he said in it, that was so powerful, that really moved me in a way. Two things. He was crying and Ian said, Mr. Pigeon said,
It meant more to him that Ian Wright played for the country of England than when he flew over Buckingham Palace. That was more important to him, that someone he coached played for England. And then he said he turned to hug him.
And he was like two steps down. They're in the stadium, they're up in the stairs. And when he hugged him, he was below Mr. Pigeon, you know, like he was, he was hugging his waist almost. I saw that, I saw, yeah. And he goes, and I felt like I was seven years old again. I was a young child being embraced by someone, a father figure. Dude, I was, it gets me every time. But when whites... Oh, what about the whites? What about the whites?
What about the whites? There's so many good things to say about the whites. Not lately, dude. I know. Lately, as of not know. But what I'm saying is over the history, you guys get a better app. We do get a better app. Yeah, yeah. And what I'm going to say is, you know what I mean? You guys done extraordinary humanitarian deeds. Some of us. Some of you. Schindler. We talked about that before. What a list.
That's it. Schindler and Ian Wright's coach. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. What I'm saying is it's human. All humans have someone. I'm sure there's a Korean out there like that. You got to be somewhere. What do you think? I don't know where they are. Like a one good Korean that like helped. That's a great movie, one good Korean.
Yeah, yeah. Speaking of it, did you see the guy that snuck into North Korea took video of the traffic cop with his phone? They're going to get this guy. This is what I think about these guys. You're off your head. They're going to get you, dude. They're going to come find you and kill you. Did he go back to South Korea? Then they can't find him. No, no, no. He left North Korea and went somewhere else. Look at it. I don't know where it is. It was on TikTok. How do we take him out? How do we take him out? Kim Jong Il.
Do you want to take them out? I do. See, here's my thing. Because there's millions of people that live there and they're in poverty, and it's like they still believe that we're getting ready for the war with the US. We don't think about you ever. You say that until they start some shit. What if they start some shit?
they can't make how says who but with like Russia they could in China but then alone they're like what did you just say with Russia and China they could oh yeah but I thought what are you talking about of course I guess them it'd be like no one but Russia and China get no one acts alone other than Germany and look how that turned out so now the axis of evil could reunite and start another war and why wouldn't they
Honestly, why wouldn't they? The time is now. They're ready. I'm ready to go, dude. Let's go. Blow this whole thing up. Let me ask you something. I want post-apocalyptic shit. If there's a World War 3, and you and I were called in, there's a draft, and we go, we need everybody. Everybody? Yeah. Even Carlos. Even Carlos. And McCone. Yeah. But he is at a whole duty.
Those guys are inside, yeah. No, I mean, no. Glory, glory, glory, glory. Just sucking off the soldiers before. No, no, no. I'm just saying that you find like if we're in like, you know,
Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fighting in Hong Kong, right? Yeah. And then the sergeant goes, find the glory holes. Yeah, he knows where they are. Yeah, that's like, but we don't put dicks that we put bombs in there. Oh, it looks close. As you say, like Notre Dame football, they slap a sign that says play like a champion as they go out onto the field. They all smack it. It's funny if every soldier before they go to war, they just get the sticker cock and Carlos's mouth. He's just standing next to it. He's like, go ahead. Anyway, would you, would you be in the same platoon as me?
I don't think they would put us in the same platoon. Would you think there's an Asian? No. What are you talking about? Oh, just no, no, no. Strengthen skill. Strengthen skill. Strengthen skill. No, dude. Are you pissing me off today, dude? Am I? I'm just, no, I really call my agents. No, dude, you'd never get in this. We never get in the same category. That's crazy.
Platoon, they were like, this is the, no, they have a mix, have you seen? No, shut the fuck up. Have you ever seen Saving Private Ryan? There's a mixture of different people, you know what I mean, of it. There's the one guy that's scared, like, you know, like the fucking, in Saving Private Ryan, the guy that plays the interpreter, even though I don't know Chinese. Yeah, you'd be the interpreter. Yeah, but I'm just saying, there's gotta be something that I can do. I'm the Dennis Hopper character, like the eccentric, you know what I mean? Yeah. Amen, you know what I mean? War is globalization, whatever, I don't know.
I say things, you know what I mean? I don't know. What do you think? I know you'd be you'd be one of the loons one of the crazy boys in the bunch Yeah, but what would you not push for that? I wouldn't want there's no way that I could I wouldn't want you in my platoon But then the whole time I met war I'm like, you know, what's Andrew doing at the right you letters? I'd be missing you that'd be so much fun We'd I'd see you from afar also if we're in the same platoon think about that Then I'm gonna see we're gonna see each other die
I'd rather sit in a tent at night, hoping that you're well, writing you letters, like a long lost love affair, on the other side of the battle. And I wanna find out that you die from someone that goes, soldier! No, no, no! The dumpling was killed at 4.25! I would have called me the dumpling! Yes, they would! They wouldn't call me, no! They all get nicknames in the army, that's what you fucking get, everybody has a nickname! I had somebody call me dumpling, I would pull them to say, can you change that? And they'd be like, you got a chopstick. I want to be chopstick, okay?
So you're funny, dude. The Chinese chode died at 4.44 AM, sir. Let me say something. He was Korean. All right. What does it, when soldiers at war and they get shunned and they know they're going to die? Yeah. What does the one person they call out for? God. No. No. Their mom. Mom. Mommy. Remember Giovanni Ribisi? Oh my God, heartbreaking. Do you imagine you call your mom? She's on an iPad. She's like, leave me alone. Yeah. Well, what I'm saying is I would call out for you.
Andrew you go mom Andrew Andrew and I'd come running you're it morphine morphine Bob Bob I want you there all right I'll be there with you I you know what you know what the fuck you I don't want to be able to do yes I just Carlos you want to be a simple tune oh yeah no fucking way he's gonna get in there dude he's never gonna pass any of the tests oh yeah no we're in a situation where never easy dude they're gonna take his blood and be like this kid's a long war
It's where they went 18 to 35 right now. They're you know Okay, I'm gonna be a loaded ring a lot of the rings reference right in the two towers, right? They gave old men and kids swords to fight right We're in dire straits. So we're in a position where we're all being called in Okay, if they ran out of 18 to 35s are done now they need 40 and ups
Yes, that's what I'm saying. So at that point, I would write a letter to Congress and go, can I be in the same platoon as Georgia out?
You want to be in it? No, I'm fine. I'm fine. You know, he's he's fleeing the country. Oh, he's a candidate. Oh, well, not where we're at. No, he's one of those candidates. Yeah, or Mexico. You know, you could see him. And he's like, you know, wearing tie dye. You're in just with a bandana, you know, I mean, like this. And it's like, shut the fuck up, you coward.
Howard dude. You power it. Yeah. Yeah. So you fall crystals and oh my god. You imagine this guy doing the 60s dude. You're one of those guys. But truly boy. Yeah. But truly boys. My dad pulled the Adventist card for to get out of Vietnam. Your dad did? Yeah. He said religious reasons can't fight. So then he was he went and just got medical tested on for what was the white coats. What was the religion? Seventh the Adventist.
Adventist? Adventist. Adventist and Adventist. Do you know these? No. Let me ask you something. That thing that Trump, like, is there a flat foot? Oh, Protestant Christian domination. Flat feet. Flat feet. Well, for that, but that's back in the day. That was like back. So you know what I would, to get out? Just give you Dr. Scholl. I wouldn't get flat feet. I would claim flat face. Flat face. Dude, I would claim flat face. Could I get out, you think? You're honest. Dude, I got flat face, guys. My friend has flat face.
All right. He's just not aerodynamic. Yeah, aerodynamic, yeah. The wind is just gonna bounce right off of this guy. Yeah, although I could like camouflage myself on a wall. Like Ramo. Yeah. Dude, imagine me. You just blend it. You just, you, you, you, bricks on me, right? And I could just stay there. I would stay there for two weeks like this. Right. I wouldn't even, you know, with a knife, I wouldn't even do that. I would just stay there. Just stay steady. Yeah. Yeah. How would you camouflage?
Impossible in fire in pot. Yeah. Yeah. I'd have to be a fireball. Yeah. That is amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Rambo in all mud. Yeah. Remember that? Yeah. That's what I would do. But I would do it with actual brick wall. Smart. And they would not see me. How could they? Yeah. Yeah. I saw some of this. Something was showing out all like the tricks of the tunnels in Vietnam that the Vietnamese would dig. And they were super intricate. Dude.
and how they would try to trick them to get them in or out. But what they would do is they'd try to like flood them out, a choo-choo-choo tunnel. But look at the tunnel system that they had. And they would flood them out with water and bombs and all sorts of shit. But then the Vietnamese had counter active shit for the weapons that the Americans would use. So the things that they would have, they would like, it was a rope or a pole. They would pull on the pole and it would get caught in a machine. So then it would pull the soldier in with them while they were down there. And they would have rotating spikes and shit.
or they would, they'd have to crawl in backwards or like upside down. Cause it was head first and they would fucking drown them upside down and backwards. Imagine. I'd be so close to claustrophobic. Oh, to forget it. I had an MRI yesterday. I was claustrophobic. I was fucking freaking out in the, I hate the machine. And all you hear is like, well, one, one, one, one, one, one, one. And Ho Chi Minh is the best trail maker. Top trail. Don't you think? Look at that girl. I'm on vacation. She's in vacation. Oh my, you know what? It's actually looks pretty solid though.
I mean, yeah, structurally it is. Then I would just be worried about fire or, you know what I mean? Something trapping you down there. Look at that thing. That's so crazy. They created an entire network. They could like hang out. Yeah.
They could sleep for days and days in those things and just hide out. We've never had like a, like, aside from like the British back in the day, you know what I mean? We've never had like a country attack us, you know what I mean? I wonder what like a woman... 9-11, what do you mean? We had the fucking 9-11. Yeah, but not even in a traditional like war where there's like troops and you know what I mean? Yeah, on our soil. On our soil. Yeah, we haven't had war on our soil. I think we would destroy people, no? They wouldn't even get to our soil.
I mean, even in LA, we got MS-13, you know, we got people. Don't you think? Use what we have. Don't you think we would have? Yeah, you'll get the crips and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Hey, bro, what the fuck do you palace? Whatever the, you know, fuck a Palestinian, bro. Hey, Palestinian, bro. Yeah, yeah. Or whoever am I? What kind of Chinese are you, bro? Yeah, I mean, dude, I'm me. I'm from Ralph. I'm from here. Okay, good. Move over, man. Yeah, but who would they fight for? That's what's interesting. Who? Who were these gangs fight for?
Well, if you're fighting, if we were in a war with Mexico, but we don't get the MS, they're, you know, we're never going to be in a war with Mexico. Destroy. No, I mean, I think we would never be in a war. So those are our dogs. But if you were in a world with Russia, I think that most of the gangs in America would be on our side. No, you say that. But like, think about it, some of those gangs have drug ties and those drug ties. They don't want the fucking federal government to tell them what to do.
Mmm. You're right. You know what I mean? Yeah, they'd get in bed with like the cartel and whatever government agencies they have power over. Mmm What are we in LA? Imagine if we were like red dawn and we were attacked by oh my god being insane. Where would they hit up first? Are we so scared? Would you be scared? Can you imagine if they're like we're gonna bomb LA and they bomb downtown and you're like nobody's down there?
They hit the wrong part of the city first. They're like, and then, and then we're going to bomb North Hollywood. Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bumskin brothers, they will, you will kill them. They're like zombie. No, those are, they're, they're undefeated. Yeah, they're undefeated. What does that say? Is that when Newsweek thinks they're going to, that's where the centrifuge of war would be?
When in new years, I get this is a nuclear bomb. Oh, my forget it. What happened? But it would even hit Santa Monica. Oh, West Side safe, West Side, best side. Yeah. But we're fucked. Were we live? No, dude. We're just. Yeah. No, we're in the fucking center of it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What are you going to do? No, no. Don't you think that because we're on the other side of the hill, you don't think the hill would protect us a little bit? Some of it. I think the Hill would would get some of like the radiation fog and smoke, but I think we'd still we get a bad leg. I'm in the yellow.
Yeah, you're in the. Oh, you're done. You're done. Yeah. Yeah. You're in Los Felos or Silver Lake Los Felos. I think I become a shadow. Yes, which is awesome. You'd be a shadow. Yeah, you do. Carlo shadow. Yeah. Carlo shadow. It's just interesting. And his mouth is like this. Yeah.
Wow, that would be, I mean, that was, that would be the way to, you know, I mean, destroyers bomb. But that's what it says. Nuclear bomb shows the impact of new gravity weapon of the biggest US cities. Wow. Wow. That's scary. Let's hope that doesn't happen. That's what doesn't happen. Or I'm on the road. Yeah, I want to be gone. Yeah, I've always imagined that. Like if I was on the road and I was an LA's taken out. Like, oh, well, no, I got two more sets tonight. So I got a.
You'd be terrible. I imagine, dude. They wouldn't hit LA first, though. Who would you worry about? You're on the road. Yeah. Well, my wife and my dog. That's number one. This studio, you guys. Yeah, you first. Well, you'd be on the road, too. Yeah, be on the road. And then what would you do? Like if I was you're in Cleveland and I was like in Denver, whatever, vice versa, whatever. Sure. And then, um,
And we wouldn't be mourning, because you know, I would lose so many people. You would lose so many people. And then our cell phone still worked. And then what do you think in a day we would call each other or a couple of days? I don't know. See, you know, and who knows if we could get ahold of anybody?
You know how like they have like cell phones crash when all that stuff goes down. Like 9-11, no one could like call anybody and the phones are down and all that. I'm just saying hypothetically, if like the satellites aren't down and we could call, would you, I think within the first 12 hours, we would text each other. 100%, yeah. Right away. Are you okay? Are you good? No, I would text you. Are you gonna sell your house? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gonna keep your house? And then what would we, what would you, I mean honestly, what would you do like,
Like, would the banks be working? Like, could we get money out? No. No. We're done. Once it starts, it's over.
That's what I'm saying, dude. Load up. That's crazy. Get golden guns at your house. I would relapse immediately. I'd be there with you. We would meet. Yeah. I would like try to get to wherever Denver. Yeah. Let's meet somewhere in the middle. Yeah. Let's do heroin in Missouri. Yeah. And then we'd just be heroin guys. Fine. Whatever. Who cares? I know. You know what I mean? If that's the end, that's the end. Yeah. I want to go out like, oh, dude, I had to do my will today this morning. I had to do like my living will. I've done that. Oh my God.
And when you have to decide like, he literally was like, step by step, he's like, if you're, if you are in a tragic accident and your brain is incapacitated, right? Like your brain, your brain dead, essentially. How long do you want to be alive? Oh, how long do you say I had to do it today? How long do you think I said your brain? I'm brain dead, but there, but I'm, you know, I'm in a vegetative state, but there's hope that I might come back or you never, you know what I mean? But they ask you how a month
Interesting. What do you guys think? Zero minutes. What about you? One week. One week. George is actually right. You know, I did a week so family could come say goodbye to you.
But you said that there could be a possibility that you can be alive. There is a possibility. Well, wouldn't you give them more than a week then? Just one week. I said one week they can come say goodbye because I don't want to put the burden of me being in a vegetative state on other people. I want to put the burden. I know you do. Yeah, yeah. I'm a burden guy. You're 10 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a 10-year guy. Yeah, you're 10 years. Yeah, everyone wanted everyone to come. I know. I said one week for the family to come say goodbye and then after that, it says drug, drug-induced. There's a lot of money though that's wasted.
That's what I mean. Yeah, I don't want my family to have my money. So just put the money. Well, that was the next question. After all that stuff was like, who gets your funds and all this bullshit? So what'd you do? Well, do I get any in the event? In the event that in the, I don't like that smile. Do I get any? Well, first of all, my wife gets all of it. And then in all, yeah, in the event that she's not around, she won't be trust me. Okay.
in the event that's out. Let's say both of us died tragically together. It goes to my parents and let's say if my parents aren't alive, then it goes to my sister and if my sister's not alive, it goes to my dog and if my dog, no my dog's not. And if you haven't eaten my dog by this point, no, it's, no, no, no, it goes to then my sister and then after that, it goes to three or four different charities, one of which being children's hospital.
They don't need the money. Yes they do. Kids having cancer is the worst thing in the fucking, there is literally no greater crime than universe commits than giving children cancer. Interesting. You wouldn't need my money. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting
Like 20 grand. Fuck you. 20 fucking grand for all I've done for you. You know what's money? I have 100 grand in the bank. Well, then give me the 100. No. My mom, my brother, you have the same thing, but I give everyone something. I think your mom gets all of it. And if she's not around, Steve gets all of it. No, that's all I have. Everyone gets something. Abby gets something. Everyone gets something. Abby gets something. My manager, yeah, yeah. Why? What do I care? I'm going to be dead. That's my point.
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And now we get to the topic of death. And I'm it's not death. No, no, no, it's just a beautiful way of you have to frame your life while you're here. And they tell you, you're not young anymore. You got to fucking set up a thing in case you go away. So in case this World War three happens in 2025 that we're in. But when you see like a celebrity die at 53, because I'm 53, right, you go, because I feel so young, so
And you just kind of go, oh shit, it can happen at any time. Ricky Henderson died. The baseball player. I know this episode will be out significantly after. How old was he? Young dude. I think he was 63, which fucking, that fucked me up. I think he died. Wow. He died of 65. Yeah. And he died in ammonia. What?
which never fucking had, maybe he had pre-existing conditions, something else. So Bobby, this guy, the way you love, the way you love football players, soccer players, this guy was the man. Well, I mean, he didn't play for anything that I love. He was just back when I was a kid, he was incredible. Ricky Henderson was a fucking man so fast. And like a supreme athlete.
Literally never heard of him. Look at the size of his fucking legs. Those are ends. That's big. Now. I'm not joking. That's bigger than your body. That's bigger than your stomach. I'm not kidding, but 65 is so young. That's what scares me. Yeah, it's pretty young. I mean, that's so young. You're you're 50. Well, how was all those Bob? Well Bob was a tragic accident. How old was he? I think he was in his mid 50s or late 50s 50s 60s. He was 60. He was 60. 65. So whoa. Yeah.
That, that, that fucked me up. Well, that was a horrible accident that should have never happened. Yeah. Right. So that he would have lived significantly longer. He wasn't sick or anything. That was just a bad accident.
What a good guy, anyway. No more deaths. No more. Let's not talk about death anymore. Let's talk about life. Let's talk about the birth of life. Let's talk about a birth of life. The ancient big head people, scientists uncover a lost human in Asia with an abnormally large skull that lived alongside Homo sapiens, a hundred thousand. They're called Asians. What are you talking about? Big head people. That's what they did. That's just what they call them. There's column Asians. Is that what they just called them? Big head people? Yeah. Look at how big is it? From that photo I can't tell.
This is what they, like a mockup of them. He looks, what the fuck? That looks like, what's his name who works at the store? Yeah, yeah. But is that why Koreans have such big heads? Because they intermingled it a little bit? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Mm. There is a, I don't know what the people were called in Korea or in Japan, but there was a, there's a type of people that were, they didn't look Asian, but they're mixed with Asians. And that's why Japanese people look the way they do.
It's nicotine. Okay. I'm not vaping weed at work. I don't know. Dude, we don't know anymore. We don't know anymore. We don't know. We know. No, we know. We know. How about that? How about we know? We know. Bro, I'm not smoking weed at work. They were like vape. Whenever you've seen me vape. You're smoking weed outside of work though. I'm not vaping weed or anything like that. I'm not dude. What's the truth? The truth is that. But did you take something last week? What do you mean? What do you mean?
Oh, here at work. Dude, I'd never come to work high. OK, but you do it off a work. I have. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I know. But I'm not like because when I saw you in that alleyway, when I saw you in the alleyway, you did look stoned. You looked stoned, dude. When?
when I caught you in the alleyway. Dude, that was a whole set. Were you not high? I was not high that night. Nothing. I was embarrassed because I was with the girl. No, there's something going on. What do you mean you were embarrassed with the girl? That's no, there was a girl and a guy. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. And then they were doing some sort of like some sexual three way and I was. Did you have a threesome? No, I didn't. But I was embarrassed Bobby caught me like striking out with the girl.
Oh, well, yeah, it's kind of funny. But I didn't bring like you've never seen me vape weed in Australia here ever. Never. Did you did you hook up with the guy and not the girl?
No, but he was like more interested in like talking to me. It was weird. What is with you DM me later? Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I watched this reality show this weekend. I only related to the gay men on it. Okay. Anyway, what's what's going on? What's it called? Mexican dynasties. I loved it.
Have I seen this? Have we seen this? Mexican dynasties? Mexican reality show. It's so good about rich people in Mexico City. Oh, oh, wow. We now have to watch that. Yeah. Because rich Mexicans are my favorite. They're my favorite. Yeah, yeah. Great restaurants in Mexico City. I hear. I mean, I hate it. Is that the people with the Juman, right? What are they called? Juman. Juman. Juman people. So they, at one point, they look like a Spanish midfield soccer player.
Okay. And then they mixed it with a regular age. Right. And then the Japanese occurred. But at one point, they look like that.
It's interesting when people, it is funny when the more mixing there is as time has gone on. Yeah. Like Tiger Woods, look at his kids. He just plays playing this thing with his son, obviously. Let me see what Tiger Woods looks like. But his, he's got a daughter and a son, but it's like you couldn't tell what that kid is. You'd have no idea what that kid. Oh, the kid, Islander. They always look Hawaiian. Pacific Islander. At the end of the day, when you mix enough, they're Hawaiian. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. What are you, Hawaiian? You knew who's cute. Jordan Peele and Chelsea Paredi's kid. There's no photo. I did see a photo. I mean, it was through a text or something. He was like really cute, like handsome. That's a big thing. People know celebrities, they put their kids up on the internet, but they covered their face with like a smiley face with an ice cream cone. It's weird. Then why even have the photo itself?
Do you know what I mean? Like, why put up the pick? If you don't want to have your family on there, don't put them on there, but then why put them on there and then cover up their face? That seems so strange. It's like, just do it or don't do it. Like, I miss Jordan. Do you ever miss people?
Yeah, I mean, I don't know him. I don't miss him. Yeah, I miss every day for so long and then I just kind of miss him. Why stayed on the phone last night with Jay Larson for like an hour dude because the store I love that guy so much the best dude and he's a great guy so funny and dude we call each other because it was like the old days if the hallway was like
Dude, I saw you, that was good. It just felt like the old days. It felt like the old days. And so Jay called me and I called Jay and we both said the same thing. I was like, dude, that felt like it used to feel when it was like, I don't know, when the store had people coming and going more and everyone was finally in town. That was fun, yeah. It was great. That's a fun, yeah. But I miss, there are some guys that I miss. No, I wanted, can you be completely honest with me because you did great. I wasn't going to say anything. Oh boy.
I'll just get it out of the way. Um, when I walked into the improv and I saw you in the dark. Yeah. I got the vibe of you going, get away from me. Was that true? No, you know better. No, not being real. When, when have I ever done it? You were sitting there on your phone. You look up at me. I look at you and then you went back into your phone and I just left the room. No. That's what happened.
No, I know, but I did because it was quiet in the room. But if when I see you at the store, we always say how, what do you mean? Okay. No, I'll tell you what it really was. You're back. Yeah, I was in the middle of a little pain, little pain moment and I was sitting there in pain until the drugs kicked in. That was a good fun improv spot. It was great. I thought they were good. Yeah, they were very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were very good, except that girl who left in your set also left in my set.
I hate that. In the middle of a setup, you don't stand up in the front row and leave. I have to say something. Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going right now? Right now. There's an obvious piss break, which is when the house goes up and brings people on. That's your way out. In between comics. Or. Or. Yeah.
Sit it out in the middle of the set. It's a joke, joke, joke. And then when there's a little break between jokes, then get up and get out as fast as you can. But not when you're like in the middle of a set up. It's like right when you're starting to tell a joke and someone's like, and they get, and you're like, I wouldn't. Yeah. Because then everybody goes, what's that guy doing? Is he going to, what does he have to do? In the main room, something happened where I told one joke that I knew that some people didn't aren't going to like. And then I looked to my left and these two girls were so tuned out at me.
I stopped the show and I look at her and I'm like, oh, you guys are tuned out and one girl did this. And this isn't even fun. I don't know what she was doing. She just goes like this. She goes, oh, she showed your feet and put her feet in my face with two feet coming up. Like, what the fuck is that? And I just walked to the other side of the stage and I go, that's fucking weird. I've never seen that before in my life. What the fuck are you doing? It was almost like, fuck you.
Yeah, double fuck. Double fuck with my feet. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. I'm going to ask you another thing. Is heavy or had this happen? You're at a club. How many club? Yeah. There's a woman there. Yeah. Very attractive. Sure. But there's crazy in their eyes. Oh, yeah. And so then you have to, and she was like, you know, and I can tell that when she gave me a hug, it was like her chest into me and that she wouldn't let go. Oh, wow. Right. She was going to kill you. Right. And I, and I, and she goes,
She looks at me and she's like, what are we doing? And I go, I'm seeing somebody. Oh, she was looking up. Yeah, because Carlos, have you ever met anybody that you're like, I think it's crazy and I can't do it or do you do it?
He goes 60 40 like when I was younger, I would do it more now. I try not to but also fail. So I'd usually I think it's 100% fail for you. Yeah, I usually don't do 64. Don't do 64. How about you? When I see people back in the day, crazy eyes, crazy eyes.
Immediately I run for the fucking hills. She was hot but crazy eyes. Yeah, the hot ones do have crazy eyes. Yeah. Yeah, she's hot. I know but it's like I I understand that I was it was a it was a dilemma. You did the right thing. I think so because you don't want
Crazy eyes in the morning. She's like, I moved in. I know. Yeah, that's what I mean. That's my U-Haul. Yeah, yeah. I figured that's OK. Yeah, yeah. All when they say crazy things like, I make fresh pasta from scratch. Oh, no. See, I'm intrigued. You are? Yeah. No. No, fresh pasta. I'm into a fresh pasta. Your food line in.
I mean, I'm Candace, right? I live in LA. Oh, I make fresh pasta. You do scratch. That's crazy. I would love fresh pasta. Oh, third end, you're fine. Fresh pasta. She didn't say I like hand pluck goose feathers.
She's not like, I fucking kill Geese in my backyard. It's some arbitrary like information that like should be in the third thing. As long as the arbitrary information is something cool, like I make something neat. I do an artistic thing that's cool. But if she said- I'm gonna say something. Okay. Hi. Hi. How are you? My name is Lisbon. Hey, Lisbon. I live in Burbank. Oh, no, great. Yeah, I know Burbank, yeah. And you know the end of lamp fixtures? I suck on those. You do. Crazy.
I love it. All right. I have so many lamps. You like that. You like that. I was just filled with lamps. So that's not nuts to you. Not at all. Okay. Hi. Hey, hi. Yeah. Bobby, I'm such a big fan. What's your name? Chantilla. Chantilla. Chantilla. Like Chandelier and Andrea. Chantilla. Okay. Hi, Chantilla. That's my mom was a chandelier of salesperson. Okay. My dad's name was Andrea. Okay. What's up?
My name is Chandler. Yes. I live on the west side. Okay. I live by Santa Monica. I know what the west side. I know what the west side. If you have a nuclear bomb, it won't get to us. Google. Do you know that? Yeah, I do. I floss my teeth with my own hair. I just want to let you know. What do you say? That's fine. That wouldn't turn you off. I don't think that would turn me off. She takes her hair, flosses her teeth, puts it back.
Yeah, when women do that, wouldn't turn you off. That turns you off? If you use her hair to floss her. That turns you off. Me too then. Wait more than... Me too then. We're sucking on a lamp fucking thing. Yeah, no, I think that's pretty normal. If you floss with your hair and then put your hair back like it never happened, this is every day. Yeah, what about this? I had a girl...
We were taking a shower together and she peed in the shower. Love. I love that. Be on me. Yeah. But you know what? And I'm fine with that. Oh, but when I poo in the bathtub, it's Armageddon. It is. It should be. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, well, you could do that and I get shit when I'm picking a bath. Two different things. They are? Yeah, completely. OK, I don't know. You know that. Yeah. But what? Hi. I'm cassette. Like.
Like a tape cassette? I don't know what that is. I'm 25. Oh, I cassette. Hi. I'm such a big fan of bad friends. Oh, thank you cassette. I love you. Anyway, I got another set to do. I live in Venice. Do you want to come over to my house? What street? Lincoln? Wayward? Oh, I know. I collect dead pigeons. I embalm them. My house is filled with them. You're taxidermy.
No. What do you call it? I call it just pigeon girl. I'm pigeon girl. Oh, yeah. I'm out. Really? I'm fucking out. I have huge tits. Okay. What else? And I love Korean men. That's a win. Well, third thing and then I'm in. Give me one good one. I homemade, I make homemade pasta. I'm out.
I'm out. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. If she okay. I want to say if she looked like Margot Robbie hot right. So hot. So hot right. She's so beautiful. And she had crazy eyes. Yeah. Right. The floss would be fine. I think the pasta would be fine. Poss is obviously fine. It's fine. Dead pigeons all over the house. So taxidermy pigeon. I think dead pigeons would be fine too.
If it's Margot Robbie, Margot Robbie, what about you? If you were not with your wife, I would have to get in and get out. I'd be like, look, let's hang out once. But if you start with pigeons, where else does it go? With the pigeon lady? Yeah. No.
I mean, this is what happens. Because you know what Trisha Paytas said? You knock up a pigeon lady? No, but you know how there are women at the Hollywood Club that seek celebrities to get impregnated by them? Oh, yeah. There's a lot of those. I know you got to be careful. You're out there fucking hanging out having fun being single and it's like you never know some girl could be Miss Lee. I know, but what I do is I do
edging and I edge and I don't come. Do you do that? I have. Yeah, but you know, edging still leaks a little bit. You're your pipes aren't closed anymore. Is it leak? Because you're we're getting older. You're going to. Yeah. Yeah. Like after you go to the bathroom, actually take a piss. You piss your pants a little bit afterwards.
I do. I know. How do you know? How do you know? We all do. Okay, good. But as you get older, it gets worse. My dad sometimes will piss his actual pants. Yeah, it does. He'll just piss his pants. Yeah, yeah. He'll be like, oh, god damn it. Well, you know what? It's a spot like this bit. You know how do you ever, ever caught me smelling my penis?
You've never caught me do it. Have you caught me doing that? Smelling it? You've caught me, George, right? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I'll do is, and it's quick. Let's go. Oh, I've seen you do that. You've seen me do that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's because of the leaking. Oh, you want to make sure you're not leaking too much? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You leak, don't you, Carlos?
Yeah, those pipes leak. Now, George leaks for sure. So when my brother was 12 years old, he had a neighborhood, this Jewish kid that came over and my brother had a Casio keyboard that my parents had bought him for his birthday. And when my dad took naps, if a feather fell on the ground, forget it. It's the yellow incredible hall.
You know what I mean? All right. So my brother was playing keyboards, right? My dad took naps naked. Why? So this is broad daylight on a Saturday, right? My dad walks into my brother's room completely naked, right? My dad takes the keyboard and smashes it on my brother's back. Keys are flying out, right? But when he turned around, my brother and his friend laughed because what did they see?
Your dad's little Korean penis. No, he turned around leaving the room. Oh, his ass. The Korean kite. My dad used to sleep with a bunch of toilet paper jammed in his butthole, and the fucking toilet paper would be sticking out. He looked like a Korean kite, right?
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And the reason why I didn't know until now I know my age. And I have to stick toilet paper back into it. There's a little bit of leakage sometimes. At night? Or just when you sleep. When you sleep right now, you have TP. Well, I'm on a Zen pick right now. So it clogs it up, but in just regular sometimes. Really? Yeah. So I have to like, and what I do is, I don't know if you know the notice,
I don't know. I'm revealing. This is so disgusting. Give it to me. I'm already giving it to you. Well, go. Okay. This is so disgusting. I don't even know if you're saying that, but I'm going to do it. I fuck it. I don't care. But it's like, um, if you notice, I have bottles of cologne on me all the time, right? In your car and have wet naps. Sure. Right. On the go. So this is an emergency kit. So what I do is at the LAX or whatever, right?
Dude, when we're traveling, that's what you're doing. You go wipe off the leak and spray, spray, spray. I spray on the pad on the fucking I know what what one I've smelled it right then I do it thing right just in case. Just in case leakage. Yeah. You don't have emergency things like that. Anybody in the room, please back me up. Anybody? We're not over 50. Oh, that's true. No, it's just I think it's I think that's hereditary. I think that's your family. I think it's your day. Yeah. So my dad, I think I'm a Korean kite as well.
You should start walking around with it in there, just in case. You know? Yeah. My dad used to... I mean... Dude, one time, man. My dad, my mom fucked up on rice. She fucked up rice? When Koreans fuck up rice, people get mad. That's divorce. Yeah, yeah. That's how marriage is end. So, the rice was way too dry. Oh, yeah. So, my brother and I, my mom and dad were at the dinner table.
And my dad, and you know, Korean food, what's the great thing about Korean food when it comes to, when you're at a Korean restaurant? All the little... The little sides, yeah. So, you know, my mom did the same thing. There was like 15 little tiny, you know what I mean? No, I love that. It's the best, right? I love that. And the little grill on the table, right? Little gosh, snacks on the go-go. And then the rice was a little too dry. And once I took the bite of the rice, my mind went, oh no! Yeah! Dry rice, dry rice, right, right, right.
My dad took the table and threw it into the ceiling and all the ponchon stuck to the ceiling. And it rained Kimchi, right? No, I'm not kidding, you did. And it was like, oh, my mom was running from my dad. It was insane. Kimchi rained. So if you're Korean, don't make a perfect the rice. Make the rice perfect. Yeah. So my parents- There was so much trauma. My parents never cooked. My mom wasn't a big cook. My dad's favorite meal of my mom's is called burnt chicken.
Really? It's called burnt chicken. No sauce? No, there's a fuckload of sauce. Oh yeah. Everything is sauce. What kind of sauce? She does like a homemade, it's like a honey barbecue with, it's got a homemade barbecue with a teriyaki base, you know? It's like a teriyaki base. That's a good, that's a good. But it's burnt chicken. Yeah. It's chicken that they burned. Did you ever do Hungry Man?
The hunger man meals. Yeah, the frozen. Every meal. Love those. Yeah. My favorite thing of the hunger man meal is that little dessert section. Like the apple, the brownie, or apple, or apple, or whatever. Oh, it's the best. You never did hungry man's? No, I've done it before. Your parents were doctors. He didn't have to do that. Yeah. Doctors fed you.
No, I had an L.A. My favorite was turkey and the little stuffing, gravy one with the mashed potatoes, green peas, and then the little, that's a hungry man. That was a hungry man. Yeah. And there's, I just don't do frozen pasta due to that. In college, I did sell a bag of Stauffer's, you know, the Stauffer's meals. Yeah. Yeah. I used to do those. And one time I was visiting my buddy Tyler in D.C. and I had a late night flight and it was
storming outside, storming. And, uh, Tyler and I, you know, we used to get high together all the time. It's how we met in high school, smoking weed at lunch. And I have a late night flight. He makes one of those still first, look at the still first two for one pasta bags. He makes one of these still first late night pasta bags, right? One of those right there at that bag. It's a bag, right? Exactly. I grew. I see I go chicken, right? So he grills up one of these things, you know, feeds me before I catch my flight. We're in college.
And I'm sitting there and I go to the bathroom and I'm like feeling kind of out of it and I'm like, Jesus Christ, what am I doing? I go back and sit down and I'm like feeling funky and I'm already kind of anxious because it's a midnight flight or whatever, pouring down rain. And he goes, are you stoned? I go, what? I'm not stoned. Do you feel stoned? I go, why? He goes, I put a huge chunk of weed butter in the Stauffer's skillet. I was like, wait, are you serious? He goes, oh yeah, I put a fuckload in there. He's like, I figured it'd be good for your flight. I was like, no, bad, bad.
I was so fucking high. I was so mad. I was no, I couldn't be mad. I was scared. Yeah. I was like, how am I going to get to the airport? How am I going to get home? He's like, oh, what do you mean? You'll catch a cab. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Panic. Somebody did that to me now. Oh, it's over.
Oh, yeah. No free one. No, dude. I got way too high. Should I do it? It's a surprise. No, fuck you. No, no, no, because now it's not. Oh, yeah, yeah. Idiot. If I eat a bowl of pasta you gave me, there's no way I would know secretly that you did it. Imagine you dose his pasta because he was epic. He can't finish it. Never even gets high. I know. Wow. Dude, so many of our friends are on Ozambic. I know. It's crazy how many people are talking to me about it or whatever the other one is that you're on.
We go, there's a bunch of different ones. The amount of people, and I can't name names, it's not my business to say, but the amount of people that I've told me privately are on it. So many. I'm blowing my mind. I feel like it's like I think, it's almost like I think I'm finding out that, you know when you find out was you get older, something your parents did that you're like, everybody did that? Your parents are like, yeah, we just didn't, don't worry about it, shut up. Like I had no idea that many people took this shit.
It really does work though. I can't believe it. I know I can believe it. It's what it's, you know, it's supposed to help people stop fucking eating and it's working. Like you've won it because I've been taking this girl out to BLVD. Yeah. Right. And even me, you know what I ordered there? I go, give me as my meal, I get the three sauteed shrimp that's so good.
They are so good. Right. And I'll get some, you know, halibut ceviche, right? And that's it. And that's all night. That's the only thing I'll eat. What? Yeah. You won't even have a piece of steak? No. G8, a fucking tomahawk like this. No dessert. Nothing. No dessert. Nothing. That's, I can't get anything else in.
That's incredible you eat it you're like i'm done i can't i'm about the vomit it's amazing it is a mirror and then you don't get like hunger pains at night what about yeah in the middle of the night sometimes i do eat cereal in the middle of the night yeah and i'll eat either my favorite is i love golden grams of gg so right i like cinnamon life.
I like cinnamon life. Cinnamon life, my friend. Well, here's why you like it. What? Because the milk is phenomenal. I want to do cinnamon life and just bottle that milk afterward. That's so smart. You're a bright guy. Why don't they do that? That's what your least favorite cereal. This is easy. Oh, it's so easy. Captain Crunch. Because it cuts your tongue and your mouth. I hate the flavor, everything about it. But the peanut butter, Captain Crunch is pretty good. I can't eat it. I hate it. What about like blueberries? I hate it. Wow. I'm going to tell you right now what I like. Count Chocula.
Is that like Fruity Pebbles? No, Count Chocolat is like an iteration of Captain Chronicles. Okay. Fruity Pebbles. Anything Fruity Pebbly? I don't like that. Do you like anything that doesn't come with a toy?
Just make it up for Andres being gone. Yeah. Well, you're doing a great job because he's just as shitty as you. That's the same bomb. That makes me mad. That that right there is ruined it all for me. No, let's keep moving. Yeah. Yeah. OK, cocoa pebbles is the same as fruity. I like to. I like anything pebble. You are a pebble guy. I'm a pebble guy. And then also OK, so on fruit loops. No.
No. So apple jacks are out there. Wow. Wow. That's crazy. Apple jacks are so good. What I do like, I like the frosted mini wheats. Yeah, okay. First of all, it absorbs the milk. It's great. It's the best. They need more frosting.
No, I like that one side. Frosting should go all the way around. That's true at all! Frosting should go all the way around. It's too much, it's too much. No, then you're eating just shredded wheats. Because by the way, sometimes, I'll say this, listen up. Dude, those things are the best. Listen up, Kelloggs. Yeah. I'll tell you what pisses me off about frosted mini wheats. Lately, they've been skipping on the frost. A lot of times, I'll see a mini wheat there. The whole thing, the whole one side isn't frosted. It'll be a little piece of frost. Look at that long piece of fucking... Sometimes you get a double down. I don't want a double one. No, I love that. Alright, so... I suck it like this.
All right, I know you do. And I've talked about this before, I think, I don't know where, and I've had the campaign because in the late 70s, early 80s, there was one thing that was the greatest thing ever made. It was the greatest thing ever made. It's what I survived on. If I think about it today, my mouth waters. All right, give me the initials, I can guess it. You're never going to guess it. Give me the initials.
I'll just say carnation. Oh, instant the instant breakfast? No. In the early 80s, there was a carnation breakfast bar. Oh, you told us about this. Yeah, yeah. Right. The breakfast bar. And they stopped making it. And if you go online, people still want the recipe. I remember this thing. Yeah. It is the greatest,
breakfast thing, the way it fell apart in your mouth. The crunch, the crunch, the crumble. Everything about it, I would take, I would buy 15 boxes at the fucking thing. Is Carnation still a company? Look that up. Do they still exist? Yeah, they are. They do, but they don't make those bars. Somebody owns them. Somebody's got to remake that.
Why don't we fucking we should do bad friends carnation breakfast bars? Who owns carnation now? Looked out. Nestle. Oh, they do. Yeah. Nestle. Parent coming out. Frasier and Neven. I think people have tried online. I've read on Reddit and stuff. People try to make it. I don't think they've I think they've failed. If there's something magical about it.
Well, the magic is gone. It's gone. Isn't it funny when you find out who owns something? Like the other day, I looked up JetBlue because I was like, they were booking me on a JetBlue flight because I got a fly for this gig. And I was like, oh, yeah, JetBlue. And then look who owns JetBlue, by the way, because I was looking up what the... Oh, my God. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Before you get to it. I was looking up what the flights that are they owned by United? It was like they had a partnership, right? That's what I was looking for, for their points or whatever. And then I accidentally looked up who owns it. Zoom in. Look at this. Blackrock Vanguard.
BlackRock, dude. I don't know who that is. One of the largest fucking venture capital conglomerate. They own the world. Wow. They're probably the biggest purveyors of war. BlackRock is basically fucking, I mean, they make everything. Look what they own. As of December, BlackRock's market cap net worth is $159 billion, the world's largest money management firm. They own everything. Wow.
They have 11.5 trillion. Trillion in assets, which means they're. Trillion. Yeah, because they're military. They make military. Trillion. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big T. Imagine what would you do if you were a trillionaire? You'd never see me again. Oh, yeah. You'd see me on everything. Put yourself on billboards all up and down the clouds. The clouds would be my face. You would look up all the clouds would be there. Bobby's eating again.
It's so fucking rad. Yeah. Private military companies, black water. Black rock, not black water. That's black water. Black rock does military contracting. Yeah, they do contracting. Right. Trillion. Well, dude, you saw what happened the other day to fucking Elon Musk, right? Since Trump's election, he made $40 billion.
because of his stock options and everything of that shot through the roof between X, SpaceX, X, Tesla, $439 billion. $439 billion, I can't remember. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at that Jeff Bezos 237. Nice try, bitch.
He's getting married. Who is? Bezos. He's getting married? Yeah, in Aspen, I think, this weekend. Are you going? Did you get invited? No. No. Surprise. We should all get invited for how many Amazon, but my house is an Amazon fucking factory. The amount of shit my wife gets up from Amazon? Comical. No, it's honestly at this point. The fucking driver the other day goes back again.
Wow. Back again, that's what he says. She ticked. I'm addicted. She ticked. She's bad addicted. Yeah. Yeah. What did she get? Like this bullshit. It's all bullshit for the house. It's like it's stuff. It's small stuff for the house. And you don't yell at her ever. No. Why? Who gives a fuck? So if it's just funny to me, I'm like more shit. So does she say to you? Does she say, you know, I spent $4,200 this week.
No, she doesn't spend it. It's not like that. It's just small stuff. Yeah, but she doesn't have to go to you and go, hey, I spent this. No, why? Okay, that's great. What a great dad, a husband. Dad, brother, husband. What a great dad, brother, husband. You know, some guys are like that, like, hey, sweet, I want to see the receipts or, you know what I mean? No, because she's not buying crazy shit. She just buying like... So if she did spend like $22,000 on something, would she tell you? Yeah, we'd have to have a conversation. $22,000, I'd be like, what was it?
What? What was it? Did you buy heels? Baby, you bought $22,000 high heels. No, about like 14 of them. That led up to 22,000. So don't yell at me.
No, well, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot of money. Why are we spending $22,000 on shoes? I like them. I know that you like them, but could you get less than 14? No. You need them. Yeah. You promise? Yes. All right, it's fine. And you're fine with it? I guess if you say you need them, what am I going to do? If you say you need them? Wow. What am I going to say? Yeah. Because then it's like then I want to go buy something fun for me. And because she could be like, why do you want that car? I really love cars. What's the justification? Right. We all have our bullshit that the our partner could go.
Well, that's stupid as fuck. Yeah. And by the way, it probably is. Shoes are dumb, clothes are dumb, cars are dumb, toys are dumb, but like, we want them, so fuck it. Guess what the number one thing I buy off of TikTok and Instagram, and I get something every week. Sex toys. No. No. Choose. Slides. What's the slide mean? Sandals, flip flop. He's right. That's comfy sandals. No. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
A thing for the, a thing for the cats. Yes. I fuck you. Oh, I did that and it never came. I was so mad. Thank for the cats. You know why? And I bought it on Amazon, the same thing, and the cat didn't even play with it.
That's why that's why you have to buy a lot. You gotta buy you gotta buy more. I buy everything a bird a mechanical bird, right? You charge it right in the cat just kind of walk by it They don't give a fuck dude. You got to keep trying. Yeah, I keep trying I bought a scratching coat that looked like an Asian temple and it's not it's right outside my
When I left the house and the box was there, so I'm going to assemble it when I get back. I can't wait. Yeah, stuff for the animal. I'll buy anything for the dog. I don't give a shit. Yeah. But when I say she, if she spent, like, look, if she had a problem, if it was bad and she spent too much money where it was like scary, yeah, we'd have a conversation about it, but you know what I mean? It would have to be like, what the fuck's going on? But that was the thing I think about sometimes like you hear these stories later in life, people that are like, the spouse was spending crazy money and they didn't know.
Do you know what I mean? Like you know those fucked up stories where they're like they had a gambling addiction and they were you know what happened. No, sometimes The wife is so in debt and she's hiding from the husband. Yeah And then they kill the husband. I've seen a couple of those. Have you seen a couple of them because they don't want to kill them? Yeah, yeah, you'd rather kill me than tell me we're in debt I know fucking tell me yeah, or the worst and then what happens when you tell me that we're in debt. Yeah, then I kill you Yeah, that's why but
Or what would you do if you found out that your wife put a hit on you? I've seen a couple of those too. And it turned me on a little bit. But that would destroy me. It'd be kind of hot though at first. You'd want to fuck it out. What do you mean? Cause you'd be like, you try to fucking kill me? Yeah, I forgive you, but we got to fuck a lot. We got to fuck a lot too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. If I found out my wife put a hit on me, it would turn me on for the creativity. I mean, you're kind of red. Would you find these? It's divorce though.
I don't know. That would be real. Might be fight to the death. Yeah. How about you? How about you do it? George. Oh, I'd just move away. I'd hide. Would you get divorced though? No, I wouldn't even, I would not pass go. I'd just be, I'd be in the middle of Montana. Oh, yes. He plays your national part. What are your kids though? Kids. What kids? I was gone. You take the kids?
if I had time, but if they were a daycare, I'd just be gone. First Greyhound out of town. What a man. Well, you know what it is. You're a real man, dude. He doesn't want these kids or his wife. He's gone. This guy's dreaming in the mountains in his mind. He wants to run away by a little river. But do you have enough to survive in the mountains? I mean, yeah, but you're like, you know, Ted Kaczynski or whatever. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He was poor. That was his real problem. Yeah. He didn't get any. I've ever listened to a whole podcast. That's his name, Ted Kaczynski. Yeah. Yeah. Unabomber, right? Yeah. Yeah. Him and his brother were real weirdos.
Yeah, you would wear, I'd have a beard. You'd be like making things in the fucking shed. Yeah, make his own clothes. Yeah, yeah, oh my God. You'd be so weird. Carlos, what would you do if you're significant other? Put a hit on on you.
Oh, I'd call the FBI. Thank you. Sniffer. Fucking rat. Snitch, brat. No, fuck her. Oh, getting divorced is like a cheat code. Oh, now I get to be single. I'd slowly poison her. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I find out she was to put a hit on me. I'd slowly poison. So I saw one where a girl gets cudged. Now she's in the cops and they confront her. They go, we know we have it all on tape, right? And the husband's there, right? And then the cop opens the door and the husband's there and she goes,
Tommy come here just come here. Let's talk fuck you come here Tommy no seriously what the fuck is going on Tommy Tom is like fuck off, right? Yeah, but it's like what do you think is gonna happen lady? Yeah, but she probably was trying to manipulate him That's by the way. She's probably she's probably good master manipulator. She's probably a sociopath and she probably thinks there's I didn't do anything wrong
If you're going to kill me, you better be hot. You better be hot. You better be sober. You better be sober. I'll go Robbie. Yeah, you better. Yeah. Yeah. Kill me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, oh my God. Hey, uh, uh, uh, uh, Sydney Sweeney murder me murder me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Slit my throat in cold blood, but it's like the, like the gall to cut to have you put out a hit is crazy. It's crazy, dude. If you were going to put a hit down on somebody, how would you go find someone to do that though?
You can't Google it. There's no way to do it. Late at night, I do think about stuff, because you know, late at night, you have revenge fantasies. You do for sure. You don't have revenge fantasies? Really? I don't care. What about... Neither then. You love it. I know you do. So I lay in my bed, and that always putting on a hit in my scenarios in my head, because I go, wow, would I do it? Well, you go to homeless guy.
Even then, it's like, no, because they're gonna catch you on tape, even approaching the homeless guy. What's probably, you're giving a homeless guy $4,000? I wasn't giving him that much money. Okay. I hid the money, he had to go get it. So I'm at Skid Row. I got it all planned out. You do? I'm hanging out Skid Row. Yeah. I go, that guy might do go. Hey, sir, can you come here? And he's like, ah shit, I'm a fake, cuckoo, cuckoo.
And then you're like, okay, that's not the guy. The cool, cool, cool dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I got it. Right. And then so where would I go? And then I would probably go to like Guam.
the guy that works for you. He looks like he knows somebody. Yeah, he does. Oh, God, you know anybody? I mean, just, you know, hypothetical. Yeah. No, dude, what the fuck away from me? That means he does. He's like, all right. So I think I would call the shittiest guy now. Yeah. But after that, I'd be like, I don't know what to do. I'd get a homeless guy because then it's all the fault. You know what? If you get a crazy homeless guy and you hide the money, you give him like two couple of tasks. One is gotta go kill someone. Two, I've hid the money all over the place as a scavenger hunt for him to get the money. Then it gives him an adventure, you know?
Well, the money part because these clubs now pay you cash. Yeah. Right. So I would just do a bunch of improv spots. Right. Get the cash. Right. That's how I get the cash. Right. There you go. So they have cash in my pocket. Untraceable. I'll save up about 10 grand worth of. You think someone's going to kill someone for 10 grand? Down payment. You always say put it down payment down until the tax is done. What does it cost to kill someone? You go 10 grand at first. Yeah. I'll get 20 grand.
20 grand to kill someone. Yeah. No chance. There's, it's got to be way more than that. Someone's not going to kill someone for 10 grand. You can hire a hitman on the dark web. Well, or you could get a ghost gun. That's what it's going to tell Bobby to do is he should kill her himself. What's a ghost gun? A 3D printed gun. Wow. Oh, and you can destroy it when you're done. That's what Luigi used.
Did he really? Wow. So weird looking. Wow. So he printed his own gun. Oh, that's cool. That's kind of weird. He printed his own gun, but didn't cover up any other parts of his tracks. Like he literally was like, huh? He didn't have gloves on. He didn't check to see if he was dead. It was. Yeah. So it's like he left all the other evidence. He like went out of his way to get a 3D gun. But he also got a silencer and apparently that was the wrong move. Why? Oh, you don't know?
Why? Why? Oh, you don't know? Oh, you don't know? You don't know? No, I don't know. Okay, so what Professor would say, right, is you make it loud because so that people can hear it and they don't run toward gun violence. They run away from it and they dock and they hide, right? So if he would, what? That's good. Yeah. So you use a regular pop, pop, right? That way, right? There's no one around. Interesting.
Right. But he, and the cop that I heard on the news, they said they said that he played too many video games. The kids today, they play so many video, they think that's how you do it. They put a silencer and all that stuff. Like you're playing. Just subsonic bullets right in the ear. You're good to go.
See the way you said that was creepy. I know he's planned it. Yeah, you've had revenge revenge fantasy revenge fantasy Yeah, yeah subsonic what in the ear subsonic bullets. They don't pass. They don't go over the speed of sound So then they don't make that big old pop. Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. That's real things. That's good to know. That's good to know subsonic bullets. So when you bang it Right. It doesn't have a bang. Well, it has a bang, but it's a lot more quiet How do you know this George? How do you know this dude?
Um, you know, when a raccoon was getting our, uh, our chicken. A raccoon is using a fucking subside bullet for a raccoon. I had to use a sub-sonic bullet to get the raccoon because it was eating our, uh...
eating our chickens. And that's kind of highly illegal in the LA city limits to shoot a gun at a raccoon. Yeah, it's 100% illegal. But it was so quiet. Nobody saw it heard. Wow. How do you write things on the bullet? Very small pen. He didn't engrave it. It was sharp. What did it say on the shell? Denied to pose and delay. And people are getting tattoos of it. It's funny.
Denied to pose delay. We're getting the tattoos of that on the fact. That's so dark. Who would you run up to and kiss on the face? What famous? What do you mean? What CEO would you run up to and kiss on the face? Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's it. Governor of Texas. You go kiss him on the fucking face. You kiss. Yeah. He's kissable. He's so kissable. Some of these guys are so kissable, man. Yeah, yeah. I would kiss him 15 times in the head.
Wouldn't you? Back of the head, 15 times, right? And then one in the dick. Yeah. That one's the sweetest one. Yeah. Wow. Denied, deposed, delayed. A couple of comics I want to kiss. There's so many comics I want to kiss. What do you want to kiss? Annie. I don't want to name Annie. No, I don't want to kiss her. I do. You really do? Yeah, I would kiss her. Yeah. In the vagina. What she did to me the other night was... What did she do?
was she started a war with me. Oh, of course. You don't know what she did? No. Oh, still your example. No, you told me that was pretty flagrant. It's a little crazy. So I'm going to tell you what she did. All right. So we're in the main rules packed. I'm bringing Annie up, right? And I have a good set. So I say, good night. I give her a great intro. Yeah.
And also I'm on a date. So you have a female friend who I was friend in the audience, you know, that's watching the show. She had never seen me perform perform before. And you and you killed any goods, right? So there I bring any and as I'm walking toward the back of the thing and he's coming out through those curtains and she has water. She does a prat fall and throws it on my body. Now I'm drenched wet. And here's here's on purpose on purpose.
She says it wasn't on purpose. It was on purpose. I found, I later found out it was on purpose. And here's the, what's the biggest sin there? Throwing water on you. No. No laugh. Nobody laughs.
So the room was quiet. The room was quiet and they're like, oh, shit. Whoa. You know what I mean? So now I'm drenched. It's silence in the room. What did you say? My fucking gate is blushing. Right. And I go, what the fuck? She's like, oh, I'm so sorry. Because you see I saw how upset it was. And then as I went backstage, I went, what the fuck? You know, I went crazy, dude. Well, she was on stage. But what do you think of that? Is that war?
It seems like a, that's, that's- That seems like a word to me, dude. It's an attack. Yeah. That's an attack. And by the way, to be fair, you still got laid. But it didn't ruin your night, but it is a little, that's a little war. That's a little baby. She's throwing up a flare. She does things like that. She'll also do stuff like kick you in the stomach. Like she does weird shit. She kicks you in the stomach? Well, she'll like do something like, it's always like some karate thing. She'll go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she'll like, you know what I mean? You're like, what the fuck are you doing, dude?
Annie, what are you doing? Yeah, well, what is she trying to start a war for you for? What is that? I don't know, dude. I thought you guys were always all right. Because she's, it's, Joseph told me, she said, well, that usually works. With you? No, my prat fall with the wall with the wall. It didn't work that time. Yeah, because I killed. Yeah, you did too good. Well, no one, also nobody wants to be wet.
It was so, yeah, you're drenched. I don't wanna be wet for the, now I'm wet. No, what would you have done if she never did that to you? She would never do that to you, but if she did. You maybe would, but if she did, what would you do? I would go grab a water or drink off someone's table and throw it right on her in front of everybody. That would get the laugh. If she'd do it in me, then I would be like, what the fuck are you doing? Laugh it off a little bit. I don't think, I think it would be uncomfortable in the room. I'd grab a drink off somebody's thing and throw it on her. Yeah, and then, I'd start a food fight. And I forgot who it was, but after Annie,
The comic after was mad. Why do you think there's water all over the fucking stage? So they had to pause and some Thor man had to go up there and wash it up and clean the safe. So bad. So there that you have now this law. So Jesus trail has got to go up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was terrible to wait for someone to clean up the water in front of them. Yeah. So what's your, are you going to respond to this war now? Are you starting a little war back?
Seems like he might. You know me. Seems like he might. There's a couple of things he's done over the years that have been like, oh man, that's that's a war, but I'm going to back off. But the water on you. But the water was almost like the last thing, maybe. Yeah. But I don't know. What do you think? What would you have done, Carlos? Oh, I would have lost my temper. It's it would have been I've lost my temper, Annie, a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you guys have B for something?
No, we just always played around like that. Yeah. Like I walked off her show once like. Did she apologize for the water? No, she was she was an accent. I slipped. That was her way of not. You don't believe it. Even later, she's like, she said she didn't say she still maintains a slip, but then she told me I've done it before like throwing water right. So in my mind, I'm like, yeah, that's not a fucking slip, bitch. You know what I mean?
see how that plays out. Yeah. Anyway, what's any New Year's resolution for you? Yeah, I've got resolutions. Go ahead. I'm leaving the state of California as a permanent resident. I, uh, I can't do it anymore. Is that true? I paid too much in taxes. I got to get out of here. I'm done. I can't support this place. I got to go. So we're moving the show.
Where are we going? Where are we going? We are moving to Nevada, Parump, Nevada. Oh, we'll go. We're moving to Parump. We'll go. We got to go, dude. We got to set up a studio in Parump. So we're going to be setting up a studio in Parump, Nevada. We got to move there. State income tax, we'll save on that. We'll still pay our Fed, but no more California. Do you think we would thrive in Nevada? Yeah. Like by Vegas? 100%. You think so? What the fuck we would do great? We could move to Vegas and have the most fun. Do shows all the time.
Mmm, not perump. No, I was kidding, but we're like kidding prompts a no-man like move to Vegas. We'll open up a club called the brother ship Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the brothers have to be black people have to be black to get in Welcome to the brother ship y'all Wow, and we only play George Clinton in the hallway. I Think if we did move to Vegas if we did move to Vegas what?
I would open up like a hundred and fifty seat comic club. See, I think a hundred seater would be great. That'd be great. Just a hundred seats. A little hundred seat, little place. We should do that. Should we do a bad friend's club in Vegas? The problem is there's too many clubs in Vegas. There's Jimmy Kimmel's room, there's the seller has a room, there's... But they're not showcase clubs.
They're a headliner club. They're a headliner. No, no, the seller is a split showcase. It's a split headline. But they book it in way in advance. What I'm saying is, is that I want to do like for locals, for locals and anyone that's in town that wants to work out at showcase place. Yeah. Maybe we should do that. There's a laugh factory, a comedy seller, the LA, it's called LA Comedy Club. There's Las Vegas live, Brad Garrett's room, Jimmy Kimmel's wise guys. God, there's so many. There's so many. Carrot top has a club out there.
But you can't just call in a club. No, there's a room with the Luxor. Yeah. Yeah. But could you? I mean, I mean, if we, I've never been to Vegas where I'm like, I'm going to call in this way. I don't know where to go. Do you see that be fun to make a fucking, but is there enough local comics in Vegas? Oh, yeah. No, that you know, you could create a system.
Yeah, but there's also a lot of, I know probably 40 comics that just live there. Okay. So you can go, hey guys, there's no showcase club, so just call in if you're in town and just work out. All right, well we'll start the brother ship down there. Brother ship, yeah. In Las Vegas, and we'll have it. Happy New Year everybody. And our premiere show, our premiere show there will be, me, me, you, Nate Parkazzi, Bert Christ, we'll call in all our favors. We'll have to have a weekly show there hosted by someone. It'll be called Murder Anthony.
That's good. Anyway, um, very good. Very good. Good night. Thank you for being on that note. Let's end on that note. Thank you for being a bad friend.
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Were there any points particularly controversial or thought-provoking discussed in the episode?
Were any current events or trending topics addressed in the episode?
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