Hello, everyone. Before we get started with today's episode, I wanted to give a quick announcement. So all our mini shows now are living on its own feed. Yay! So what does that mean? It means that when you go to ABG's show on your podcast platform, it will not be
mixed up with our main show. Now if you were to type in and say no don't questions with Mel, you'll find that all my episodes are living on its own feed with Janet's and Helen's show as well. So if you want to subscribe to my show, click on the show notes for a direct link. And with that, let's get started with today's episode.
Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of my mini show, No Dung Questions with Mel. This is actually the first episode I'm recording after a whole month away from New York, but I am currently back in on the East Coast sitting in my closet and recording this episode.
But before this, I was all over. I was actually in the Bay Area for a full week because we had raised cousin Cassandra's wedding, and I decided to spend a week there with my family because I haven't seen them since I moved. And then from SF, I actually went to Vietnam for two weeks with my college friends, and that was a lot of fun.
And after Vietnam, I landed in Los Angeles to do some ABG work for almost two weeks. And then after that, I actually went to Cabo for a weekend. I forgot about that. I went to Cabo for a good friend's wedding. And then after Cabo, I landed back in New York. And as much as I've had so much fun, it feels really nice to be back with Ray.
in New York. I feel like I can only live out of my suitcase for so long. And to be quite honest, traveling nowadays for me, flying is really hard. Like, I get really bad motion sickness. I get nausea. It's just not a great experience. So I'm like taking drama me and I'm wearing these, like, sea bands. Like, it's a whole thing. So traveling, as much as I love it, it is a little tougher now.
But all of this may sound kind of surprising given the general title of today's episode, but I feel like I needed the time away to kind of feel ready to talk about just the other side of moving to a new place. The not so magical side in just a side that I haven't really shared because I was I'm nervous and it's not a great side that I like to showcase.
But I really wanted to share now truly how I've been doing the last few months, and there's a lot to unpack here. But before we get started, like always, let's get into my Google segment. The last thing I googled was ants climbing a tree. And no, it's not actual insects climbing up a tree trunk. One thing I really miss after traveling is cooking and being in the kitchen. The kitchen is my happy place where I love prepping meals,
And I don't always miss being in the kitchen, but I miss it even more. I miss it more, especially after traveling because I just like a good home cooked meal after being away for so long. And one dish that's been on my list to try is ants climbing on a tree. And it tastes much better than it sounds. It's actually a Chinese dish made with ground meat, spicy bean curd sauce, or dobanjang with glass noodles. And you eat the noodles with rice, or you could do a lettuce wrap with it.
My mom started making this a couple of years ago, and it's something I always crave when I'm back home in the Bay Area. I'm always like, oh, can you please make that? I love it so much. My mom always makes it the best, but I made it earlier this week. And the flavor was there, but I just made it too salty.
I tend to over salt my food and, you know, it's kind of hard to go back from there. So making the sauce is the first step. And then at the end, you add the glass noodles. And when I was looking at the sauce, I was like, that doesn't look like enough. So I just kept adding more soy sauce. And that was not the solution. I should have just added the noodles and tasted as I went, but just a tip for anyone that's decided to make this dish, but Ray liked it. And it's definitely something I will try making again. Cause it's actually so easy to make.
So if you're looking for a new recipe to try, I would definitely recommend ants climbing a tree. I think it's ants climbing into our ants climbing on a tree, but highly recommend. Very easy to make.
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Let's get into today's topic. I kind of want to just chat through like how I really been doing in New York. It has been six months since I gave an update on my life here. So I thought that would help set the context for the rest of the episode. Yeah. So it's been again, six months since I gave a proper update. And within those six months, you know, it's a lot of change and transition. I've also been in and out of New York too, because of, you know, a work for ABGA, I've been in LA and the travels.
Am I am I am here? I am trying to like not answer this question because I'm nervous. So how am I is probably the question I get asked when I see friends when I meet new people and I will say it's a loaded question. Also a confusing question because I actually feel too opposing feelings at once. Like on one side, I tend to say that I love the city itself.
Like this hasn't changed. I do enjoy living in Brooklyn and I love seeing the city when I'm out and about walking. And when I'm walking to the subway, I do stop and like take photos of the buildings and just like the environment when I'm outside. It does feel magical. That's when I feel like I'm in a movie when I'm walking around. But if I were to direct this question towards myself, like Mel, it's been really hard. I definitely had better days in my life. And this might be one of the loneliest times I've ever felt in the last.
I don't know, like 10 years. And this is all probably due to this deep feeling of loneliness. Loneliness is really tough. I'm sure everyone has felt it at some time in their life. Maybe you're feeling it now. I think for me, when I think of loneliness, maybe I think of it in different degrees. Like, I think sometimes like a small example is like, let's say
I felt this. Like, let's say I haven't seen Ray for a week. I miss him at night because I'm used to sleeping with him every night, you know, in my bed. There's a little bit of loneliness, but it's not that bad. Like, I have a pillow, I'm good. Like, I don't think that's that lonely. And I think there's another side of loneliness where people are, you know, it's really hard. There's levels of depression involved.
and it's more on the extreme side, maybe I would say. And I think when I see, maybe in my mind, I thought of it as two different places you can be, and there's no middle ground, or I don't know why I thought that way. But realizing loneliness is a spectrum, and you can fall wherever on it. And to be quite honest, I really, really didn't want it to myself for the longest time that I was actually lonely, because I didn't think that I was that lonely, you know?
But I actually am. And it was through one of my therapy sessions where I was kind of deflecting and I was sharing what I was going through on how I felt with the move. And my therapist just literally asked me, are you lonely? Like, I feel like what you're describing, what you're feeling is lonely. And I immediately knew that's the feeling I felt, even though I didn't want to say it out loud, and I just started bawling. I think she just like identified something I didn't want to emit. And yeah, it was just like,
Shit, I am lonely. And it's not as surface as I thought. It's actually a little bit deeper, but not maybe on the other side. So leave the question, like, why am I feeling lonely? Like, what is this feeling? And we're going to talk through it. There are a couple of reasons that I identified why I'm feeling lonely. The first reason that I feel this way is it was really hard for me to leave my community of friends in California, in Los Angeles.
The group of friends that I loved in LA truly felt like chosen family for me. When I was moving to New York, I kept telling myself like, oh, it's gonna be like that time you moved to the Bay to LA in your early 20s. It's gonna be like that feeling like you were lonely too, but you know, you were able to go through it.
But the thing, the reality is, is that it's like very different. It doesn't feel like that time at all, because when I was in LA, when I moved for the first time, when I felt lonely, I would actually just drive some weekends back to the bay to see my college friends. Like, it was a five and a half hour drive. I had my car. So like, I had a way, quote unquote, out sometimes, but I don't hear in New York. It's not like a drive. I would have to buy a ticket, which is so expensive just to see my friends or family.
There's another reason why this time feels different. I think in your late 20s and early 30s, when you have established friendships during that time, it feels somewhat deeper in some ways. I've been with these friends as we went through milestone moments, engagements, weddings, them sharing the news of them expanding their family. These are really core moments in someone's life.
they have chosen you to share that moment with. We have also gone through hardships together, whether it's through losses or sadness in your family or career. We've been there for each other. Another thing is we hear this a lot as you enter your late 20s and 30s is that our time gets quite limited and you are now deciding who you want to spend that limited time with. And I chose to spend that time with this group of friends. These are the people I chose to dive deeper into my relationships in.
I think when you're with the friend group for so many years, the beauty of it is that like you had this feeling of being yourself and truly accepted or that's how I felt with this friend group like zero judgment. I feel like I just could be myself like I could just be me and it's definitely a feeling and a relationship or dynamic that I maybe take for granted because you don't realize.
what it takes to get to a seamless feeling and a friendship. Being away for all that is really hard for me. So that's the first reason is, you know, leaving a community of friends that truly feel like my chosen family. The second thing that I've talked about in the previous episode of this show is not having roommates anymore has probably contributed a lot to this feeling of loneliness.
And I did a whole episode about this, so feel free to listen to when I talk to Darlene, who is my roommate of almost eight years, why the move has been really hard for the both of us. And I think for this, it's like the minute details of this. I truly miss the day-to-day interactions I had with Darl and Aaron. In between meetings, I have the luxury of running into them in the kitchen and having a quick five-minute talk.
Going from a house where we built this comfort and routine to moving in with a partner is very different. Like as much as I love Ray, we are establishing new comforts and learning about each other's habits. When in the past, I've already had that way developed with Dart because it lived over seven years. We knew each other's quirks. We knew each other's habits already. So moving in with a room, a new roommate essentially is really different. And it is just one person now, but it's just a whole dynamic change.
Going from a full house of people to living with an SO is hard. The other thing that makes this time in my life a little harder and the loneliness is race schedule. As much as I love and encourage my partner and his growth in his career.
The morning schedule is tough for me, not because I'm sometimes woken up at 4 a.m. when he gets ready and leaves for work. That doesn't bother me so much. Like we have definitely found our groove. And just for context, my boyfriend's schedule, he works on a daily show and he has to go in the office by 5 a.m. And he comes back around 1 p.m. and this Monday to Friday. I think what bothers me about this or this feeds into my loneliness is the fact that I'm already by myself for most of the day.
And since he goes into the office every day, it's hard. Like, again, I'm just by myself. And by the time he comes home, which is around noon to 1, I'm starting my work day because I'm working West Coast hours. 1 p.m., I'm jumping into my calls. And by the time I'm done with my calls, he's like getting ready for bed. And the thing with Ray, he's also working after he eats lunch because, again, this is daily show is a grind. And so our schedules are a little bit off.
And when he goes to bed and I'm done with my day, I find myself just alone again for the rest of the evening. Like I mentioned, coming from a house, like coming from LA where I would have dinners and we would watch shows together with my roommates to essentially just being by myself and alone for most of the day was a huge shift for me that did feed into my loneliness.
Yeah, that's really hard. And I think that's why I do look forward to the weekend so much because this is the kind of the only time you get to spend together as a couple. I think in some ways I give my weekends to my partner. I'm sure you're wondering as you're listening, you're like, damn, Mel, why do you put up with this? Why are you even...
This is hard. Have you talked to Ray blah blah blah? I have talked to Ray. I've said sometimes some days are really hard. Your schedule is really hard for me because I'm also going to transitions and I feel like I missed you and I feel like I want you to be there with me at night just to watch a show. It's just something so simple as watching a show together to get that comfort. I think the reason why I'm okay with this is because I know this is for our future. Ray, for context, is at a job that he really loves.
And he feels seen and he's valued at. And knowing Ray's background, I think he hasn't found a job that he truly loved in a very long time. And to see him at it, yeah, I want that for my partner. I know what it's like to work at a job that you finally feel connected to. And actually, that's something I look for in a partner. So him being at this company at this job, I am happy for him. And I know this is going to be better for our future. So that's what I'm telling myself.
always sit in my sorrow as just a reminder, like, you know, it's the whole idea of like, it's hard now, but it's going to be better later. Like, what does that term call like, um, long term gratification? So I know it's hard, but that's what I'm kind of, you know, keeping my mind at.
And I think the other reason which I kind of touched on with this race schedule thing is that makes me feel lonely is that I am alone for most of my days, Monday through Friday when I wake up and by myself. And some days I don't mind it, but some days it really sucks.
And, you know, after work, you know, I have friends I could call and have meetings with my team in ABG a few times a week, but being alone all the time can be really hard. You know, like I mentioned, like I'm just so used to living in a house with people and having those minute interactions really just have a strong impact.
And my day, again, I loved popping into Aaron and Dhar's office. I'm like, hey, how's your meetings going? And we have a quick talk and then we go into our rooms and continue our work. And I've always had our dinners and our evenings to look forward to. And I think now that I'm alone a lot by myself, it's
It's difficult. I think just living in New York and everything I shared just kind of shows like how drastic my lifestyle here is. And I think that most of it is the lack of social interaction I'm getting, being away from people that I felt really comfortable and at home with. So has definitely added to this feeling of
just like really deep like loneliness that I didn't really want to talk about. And I also wanted to share like other things I've been feeling and noticing with myself and during this time and yeah.
I'm pretty sure one thing you're all thinking is like, Mel, you're extroverted. Go make friends. An interesting observation I made that was very insightful for me was that I know I can make new friends. But what I actually crave right now is familiarity and comfort. I find myself missing my family or friends because I can just exist and be. Making new friends requires effort and it's uncomfortable.
And at a time of a lot of change going on in my life, I just want to be with people that I don't have to explain things to like they already have the context of what's going on. They know how I am. They know my quirks, my personality, my behavior. I didn't realize this until I like was visiting my friends in LA and I realized how effortless it was.
just to be present with everyone. Like, I was just there and everything flowed. That's something I'm craving is just the sense of comfort that I don't have right now because everything is uncomfortable. Another thing I'm pretty sure everyone recognizes is making new friends is really hard. Even though you're extroverted and you're bubbly, it can be hard.
I have been slowly connecting with individuals and making some friends here, but there are little things I notice that makes just making new friends difficult and I'll share some now. So you're pretty much starting at zero with these people.
Like they know you a little bit, maybe know your name, your background, but they really don't know who you are. And I definitely had moments where I would go grab lunch with a warm connection and be very excited that, oh my God, like this could be a new friend, this could be someone I could hang out with. And through that, you know, lunch or dinner, I've noticed like the vibes weren't what I thought it would be. Like my expectations, maybe you were a little too high coming into it. I think like,
with some of these interactions, like we got along, but there wasn't that like chemistry click that I felt before, you know, in college or at work. And I know maybe that connection or that feeling is really rare, but I know how it feels like. So in some ways, I'm kind of like, oh, maybe this, like this is it. Like this is, and I know I'm going to find a good friend. And when I don't feel that way, I walk away feeling kind of discouraged because, you know, you put yourself out there and it's just not what you thought.
And again, I know this is me just maybe putting too much weight on certain, like, expectations or friendships or warm connections that I have. And I just had to remind myself it's going to take work to, like, to get to that level with certain people. But yeah, I think little moments like that, I'm just like, oh, it's just a little letdown, you know?
Maybe during this period of time where everything is so uncomfortable, I don't want to be uncomfortable. I'm trying to find things that are semi easy, which I do. I know it's not the right thing to feel and I had this conversation with Ray the other night and he was like, babe, I think I know like we had this community had this group in LA, but you're kind of like, you have to be.
You have to put yourself out there again in New York, you know, and it's going to take work. It's going to be uncomfortable. I know there are days when you just want to be at home because that's where you feel comfortable. Just be on the couch watching TV and we can hang out. I know that, but you're going to maybe have to say yes to certain things that you don't feel as comfortable with in the beginning.
And even though that realization was hard to admit, I'm like, yeah, I have been, I have been spending more time at home because I don't want to be uncomfortable. I think he's right. Like, I have to just continue to put myself out there. And it's just like, even though certain interactions don't go the way I want, it requires work. And I think walking away from those lunches where I had these high expectations, I'm realizing now like,
Hey, it's going to take multiple times to get to maybe a place of this connection that I initially felt with other people right off the bat. Just willing to be uncomfortable again is something I'm going to try to do into the next year and hopefully that will allow me to make new connections and friends.
I want to say real quick, like, I'm really thankful for the friends that have introduced me to their warm connections because I have gotten some texts like, hey, Mel, it's Blah. And I have a friend that I think you'd really get along with. They're like, hey, we should totally grab lunch, you know, after meeting them at like a picnic I've went to and I may not been the best of following up. And I think it's mostly because, like I said earlier, where I just feel like I'm just searching for a little bit of
familiar feelings and comfort and I may have made excuses or put that those interactions in the back burner and I know that's on me. I also know like with, you know, with our ABG community, like people have reached out to me and I really, really appreciate it. I don't mean to seem like I don't want to hang out with certain people. Just more like, I think I'm just mentally sometimes not ready for these interactions yet, but I'm going to try to be better about it next year and just make a better effort and being a better mental space to be a little bit more uncomfortable. But yeah, just wanted to share that.
I think what this whole like feeling lonely period has me questioning like if I'm becoming more and more introverted.
I don't know, I don't know if it's just like I'm and the home body now, like I've always been, but like maybe being a new city has created this sense of fear where like I only feel safe at home sometimes, which is kind of, if you think about it, it doesn't make sense because if I'm lonely, you think I'll be around more people and be out and about. But I don't know, in some ways my apartment also is like my safe haven. So I have not interacted with a lot of people, so maybe I'm becoming more introverted.
Another thought and feeling I've noticed in myself is I've noticed that my confidence has been shaken and I hate that feeling. Maybe it's because with so much change going on, I can't find proper footing or proper foundation and a lot of parts of my life and it's been really hard to accept that.
But again, like I understand the saying like this too shall pass like things are going to get better, but it's just so fucking sucks when you're in the middle of it like you're in the thick of this like challenge and it's just like not a fun feeling and not really pleasant to go through. And so I've noticed that my confidence has been a little jolted and I am trying to
get to a place where I feel good about myself again. And I know this is going to take time, but I wonder if this loneliness has kind of fed into this shaken confidence. I just really wanted to share like all these feelings I've been feeling. The other thing I want to talk about is like vulnerability fatigue.
You're probably like, what is vulnerability fatigue? Vulnerability fatigue is when you have exhaustion or burnout that comes from constantly being open and emotionally available. And this has been something I've been questioning for the last few months as well as like, I wonder, you know, obviously being on a podcast and our content is our life that maybe by sharing so much of my life, I do feel this sense of pressure of one having to share all the time and
Just feeling a little bit uncertain about how I feel about it right now. Like again, maybe this whole episode is an example of this that like, I've been feeling this way for like a couple of months now, this loneliness, but I didn't feel right to share it yet.
And again, with the podcast and in general, I feel like my preferences, I like to go through things first and then share when I have healed or processed it to some level. In the past, you've heard me talk about my breakup months after it happens and where I had residual feelings. But this time, with what I'm feeling, with this loneliness and this mood to New York,
It just feels different because I know the work and healing for this time is going to be longer. Like, I'm not healed at all. Like, I'm actively going through what I'm feeling as I'm talking about it on the mic. And you hear myself, hear my voice shake because I feel the feelings as I'm describing it to you because it's so like, it's there at the surface for me. I think sometimes when I'm vulnerable, when I'm actively going through something, I just feel really exposed.
because I don't have an answer to everything. I don't have it figured out and I just feel kind of naked.
Like here I am, here's Mel when she's not feeling her best and not confident. And I think when I feel this way, I don't know, when I feel like I'm going through stuff, I don't really want to share because it just reminds me that I'm like not okay. And it brings me back to this mental state that I don't like being in. And I guess with this episode, what I'm trying to do is to challenge myself to be vulnerable again because it's truth is I have not been okay. And
In some ways, I've been afraid to be vulnerable because I just didn't want to expose myself. So soon, I think when I mentioned how I didn't, I don't like talking about this because it brings me to this like, it brings me back. It just brings me to this place I don't like to be.
But like a place where fuck like it was so hard for me to find happiness every day like literally had to be like okay like you got waffles from the grocery store how great are these waffles i had to remind myself the littlest details just to have some kind of joy and one thing i would do every day is i would tell myself.
Today is a new day and the reason why is because i cried every day it's a daily occurrence for me to cry and i'm a i'm already a crier so this is a lot and i try to make light of it you know i know i'm sensitive but yeah a reminder i tell myself is today is a new day it's a change it's an opportunity to make a fresh start so that's how i'm trying to keep light of everything just knowing that.
I gotta take a day by day. But maybe in the last few months of me feeling this way of not wanting to share what I'm feeling and feeling maybe somewhat exposed and afraid to share, it makes me want to retract even more.
And I don't know if that's healthy or not. On social media, I know everyone says like, oh, like, people just share the highlights of their life. In this period of life, I understand why sometimes because, dude, I don't want to post that I'm crying every day. That's not a fun reminder, even for myself. It's not, for me, it's not even just an act for the public. It's just for me to be like, I need to remind myself, this is a good moment. This is a good second.
that you need to just put out there. So when you look back on it, it's a good reminder of something positive, but I get it. Do people are going through things that we just don't know? I'm sorry, this sounds like a downer, but I think as I'm going through this, I just wanted to be more private about this out of my life that I really don't like feeling because in my head, I was like, oh, like, you got to deal with this first. So you got to deal with it and process it before you put out there. But in the hopes of being vulnerable again,
And to be quite honest, I've had a conversation with some people about this feeling and realizing that they feel the same way with the move. I was like, oh, shit. Maybe there's more people that actually feel this way than I think that I was like, OK, this is a good challenge and opportunity for you to share what I've even really feeling.
This is something I'm obviously figuring out and processing out loud in this episode. Man, it's hard for me to be in this state because again, I feel like I haven't processed my feelings or have things remotely figured out, but I want to use this episode and podcast as like my audio diary and in real time what I'm feeling. So thank you just.
In advance for bearing with me, I hope this episode is kind of concise in any way. I'm just being really rude with y'all. I do want to share my last thoughts just about everything. I know this episode was not a beat, but I just wanted to share that life isn't always amazing. Like, what you see presented again on social or whatever isn't the full picture.
And I felt encouraged to share this other side of the move because I didn't know this is something that other transplants felt. And I didn't know I would feel this fucking sad or lonely when I moved. People talk about it, but it was a different level when you're feeling it. I felt encouraged to share this side when I had a conversation with my mods. It was Chantal and Joanna. And we were having a meeting and I was telling them how I felt. And they were both like, oh my gosh, Mel, we feel the same way. And just for context, Chantal moved
from Toronto to New York two years ago, and Joanna just moved here from Chicago a few months ago. And we were both just on this call. All three of us on this call is sharing like, it's fucking hard. Like, I feel kind of like a shitty person because I know I need to put myself out there and make new friends, but then I'm all like, all I'm seeking is comfort and familiar feelings. And they're just like, oh man, like 100%. Like, I know exactly how you feel. I feel that way too. I just felt like such a safe place for me to share this.
And I know everyone's moving experience is different, but this is mine. And I'm hoping that with this episode that, you know, people can relate to some way. Thank you for those who tuned in and let me share how I've been feeling the last few months. The other side of living in magical New York.
Unfortunately is loneliness and other things. But what year it's been there, like 2024 is swimming to be a challenging year. And I know the challenge is just beginning. One thing that I know that I hold on to despite it all is I know things will get better. This moment fucking sucks, but it's gonna get better.
Thank you so much again for listening to my rant, to my audio journal. I hope this episode sure does some kind of inner dialogue, set out loud for some of you, or even, you know, if you can relate to this in any shape or form, or it provides any kind of insight of what it's like to move to a new state. Make sure to follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and everywhere else you get your podcasts. I love you guys so much. Bye, everyone.
