Nah, I'd Win (Part 2)

Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to restactable. This episode. Wayne's gutted wade hates rubbing, plugs iron lung, and all's grits for his RPG. Mailable Mark gets hard for big drives, coops the kiper, and gets his Galadriel on with penthouse piggies. Monastic Bob plays Ace Ventura, sucks moons, ends the earth, and weaponizes diarrhea. From clown cars to killing a farmer's family,

Hahahaha! It's time for... Nah! I'd win! Part 2! Now set back and prepare to be distracted! And enjoy the show!

Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractable on today's host, Wade. Join us always by my friends and co-host, Mark and Bob. Hey, boys. Hello. Fucking Ubuntu. To our listeners, Bob saluted. That was just for the watchers. I was not acknowledging the listeners. Don't talk to them.

Alright. Anyway, welcome to the show where one person hosts to the two compete for points, whoever has the most points at the end gets the host the next episode. The games vary, the points are always consistent. I forgot to get my pad and paper to write them down, but I've got it now. So, oh, thankfully no points would have been awarded this point anyway. But how are you guys doing? Pretty good, pretty good. I'm typing in bullshit is how it's going.

You think this episode's bullshit didn't even started yet? I'm typing bullshit. Can you copy and paste bullshit? Oh, waiting for cash lock. Could not get locked slash var slash libsash donkey package slash lock front end. It is held by process 8 5 6 9. Last episode was the election episode, Mark. We don't need more donkey talk.

We don't need to talk about the donkey libs right now. What about the elephant libs? What about the donkey conservatives live free or I'm glad you enjoy yourself so much, buddy. I really do. You didn't wait to see if anyone thought that was funny. You knew it was funny. I find me hilarious. I tell you guys about the the loner car that I had recently. I don't think I did.

It's not that funny of a story, but as a large person, this happens to me a lot. I don't fit in things, but I can find a way to like work around it. I don't fit in the booth at the restaurant, but I'm like, can we just get a table or whatever? Like these things happen recently on my car to go in and the dealership like warranty works. So they gave me a car for free. They were like here, just take, you know, take one of these, drive this around and we'll give you car back, you know, tonight or tomorrow, whatever, but.

Nice. And I appreciated it. And when I got to the, I was dropping the car off and I was talking to like the service department guy. And then he handed me off to the guy who was going to get me the car. And he was, he like sort of looked me up and down and was like, Hey, what's up? How are you doing, sir? So we only have coops available for the loaner cars, right? Like two door, like small cars. And I was like, Oh, that's fine, man. We had our other car, you know, as a family car too. So like I don't need to put the babyseed in it or anything. That's fine. And he's like, Yeah, yeah, it should be fine.

It'll be fine. Can I see your driver's license and like it was just a weird vibe. I got to the car outside again. The guy gave me the keys and walked away and I went to get in it and I don't know if anyone else who's not like a very large person can relate to this. But I had that moment where I was like, I'll just slide in and I didn't get past my like ribs. I was trying to slide into this car and I went to sit down and it was literally like.

Oh, all right. All right. Hang on. Maybe the seat's not all the way back. Maybe the steering wheel is not up. It was everything was as up and back and out as it could get. And so I, and I, this was my car for at least the day. And getting in is honestly not the hard part. Like I,

I had to sort of look at it and angle my body. But it's a kid at that moment where you're just like whoosh and you slide in. And it was fine. It was very comfortable to drive. But when that's how you get into something, getting out of it is usually horrific. And I like drove all the way home, parked in the driveway. It must have looked like the scene from Ace Ventura where it gets birthed out of the rhino.

Like I started trying to get out of the car and I was just like pulling, but I ended up on my back laying next to the car in the driveway naked naked because my clothes peeled off. That's fine. I don't know if my neighbors saw me. They probably didn't. They're not. It's fine. The last thing that happened between me and this car was I had to drive it to the dealer and drop it off to get my car back.

And the way they were like, when you bring it back, just pull into the service garage to the inside part and drop it off. I didn't think this all the way through until I got there. But where I had to drop the car off, there was a full two story wall of windows into the main showroom of the dealership.

where every single salesperson and customer and every human in the entire building was looking out from their offices and desks at these windows. And then I parked this tiny car in there and proceed to do the fat guy dance.

of what and like and also the service person who is like dealing with my car. I pull in and he's like, Hey, that's Mr. my skin. He starts walking towards me. So the guy I've already talked to is walking towards me 20 feet away. And the entire rest of everyone is like, Oh, a red car pulled in. And then I have to do the exact same dance of like.

I end up like laying on the ground and it's like the guy is standing over me and he's surprised at the vehicle and to shake my hand and I'm like I'm laying on the ground and I do that thing where you just like pop up like nothing happened. Close the door but I'm like sweaty. I pop out and I'm like

Hey, good to see you. Yeah, let's get like God fucking damn like it's I don't know how relatable that is for anyone who's not just like I'm very tall. I'm also very big guy fat guy like it's fine, but man did that suck. I don't know if you saw but I was in the Safari car that pulled up with the you know the family there and we're watching you. You really did a good impression with no hands. It was really impressive and quite a show. I think everyone learned something that day.

With no birth canal to really help me put on the performance, I feel like I got there on my own very effectively. I don't know where you conjured up all the fluids that came up, but you were very, very moist on the way out, and it was... It came from me. It was mostly sweat. Okay, cool. All right, cool. That's awesome. I need no more, no more. Well, it helps in that situation. If you piss your pants, sometimes it'll help you squeeze the last pack half out.

Anyway, that was just, that's stuck in my mind forever now is the most recent thing where me being a very large person created a great scenario that didn't at all embarrass me for the rest of the week. And that was two weeks ago actually now. So it's clearly still, I'm not holding onto that. We are tall people. You were taller than me by a little bit. We are tall people. We, we, we men. We're tall. You heard it, everyone. You heard it.

It blows my mind that, like, cars and plane seats and everything else just are not made to accommodate anything other than, like, perfectly average. I get why planes and stuff are like that. No! The motivation for that is not complicated. It's money.

No, they can want to put the maximum number of whatever seats and whatever ends they can sell them. But you're right. Why why a car like that? It's not like there wasn't physically space in the car for it to have been designed in a way where it would have been more accommodating to a really tall person. It just wasn't. Apparently Germans are not very tall because it was a it was a BMW that I got into. So.

Germans are definitely not known for being huge. There are people taller than us. I'm sure some of them are athletes like basketball players, but some of them are just normal people who are freaking freakishly tall. What do you do if you're seven foot two and you need a car? Drive a Hummer something. I don't know. It upsets me as a bald and tall person. I feel very very upset at this. Whose bald have to do with it? You hit your head on the ceiling. There's no protection. It's just like

Oh, I assume you'd have less friction with your shiny, shiny head. Whenever you do make contact with no hair, you better hope it's like a really soft, comfortable thing that you're hitting, because if it's like sandpaper, it's not pleasant. It's part of the reason why we have hair on certain spots in our body. Not the full reason, but we have hair in places that encounter a lot of rubbing and impacts. 30 minutes of rubbing? At least. More like 32 minutes of rubbing. Come on, man.

Also Mark, I did not take away a point from you, but I wanted to. You were here and you saw Bob in the car, but you didn't say hi to either one of us while you were in Ohio. He was on Safari with the family. Come on. I can't make them stop. It's dangerous. Mark got in the Safari truck at the Los Angeles Safari terminal.

And he gets off when they let him off. That's how those things work. We went through Elon's California to Ohio tunnel that only Safari Tesla Safari users can go in and I don't control it. All right. Well, I didn't take away a point. I didn't. I just wanted to let you know. I'm fortunate situation. Good story. Well told as always. I'm sure someone who saw that had quite the funny laugh at it. So like I hope they appreciated it because at least a good thing came out of it.

I mean, at least you got your car back and it was only what two or three times in the rental. I honestly only drove it other than to the from the dealership home and back to the dealership. I drove at one other place. Probably could have just gotten an Uber. They wanted to give me one. So I was like, I'll take a free car.

How could go wrong? Meanwhile, I can't get one even when I ask for one. Hey, you just have to go to the right places. Mark, what's new with you? So a few things are new. Just kidding. It's the same bullshit. It's always been except I'm slavering. I'm slavering. What is the term? Slavering? Slavering is in the term? Slavering, slavering. I'm not sure what word you're trying to say. You're letting saliva run from your mouth?

Show excessive desire. I'm slavering, slavering, slavering, slobbering, drooling, slivering. S-L-A-V-E-R. Huh, I don't know this word. Over this, the latest development in hard drive technology, I've looped fully back. We're back, baby.

Oh, we're back to hard drives. It's 2022 again. Hard drives, hard drives, 122 terabytes. Hey, that's almost exactly double the one you were excited about. I have many of those, but is this like an M2 SSD or is this a spinny disky kind? It's obviously an NBA drive, bro. A little bit bigger, thicker than this one, which is another NBA drive. It'll never focus.

I don't know why I leaned back and tried to focus thinking that would fix it. Oh man, I don't fix this.

It's not working. That usually works. Yeah, so it's a little thicker than this one. This is a 16 terabyte. Why 122? Why not stop at 120 or go to 130? 122 is so random. Because of how math works for bits on computers, not random. There's a mathematical reason for it. 500 gigabyte, one terabyte, two terabyte, six terabyte, eight terabyte, 122. Computers don't work on the metric system. Calm down.

122! Ah, why always when we're recording do you talk to me Alexa? Sorry.

Sorry, I don't know if you could hear that. I always think it's like Band-D or something coming in and you're just like screaming. Every time it makes my soul leave my body. I don't even know why it's not that scary. It's just a lady's voice. That is scary. Anyway, big hard drive, Mark. It means that if I were to match that in size, it would need six more of these, which are 16 terabyte ones. All in one drive.

I forget. Is that big enough so that all of your iron lung stuff would basically fit on one drive? It would. It would. It would absolutely. That would be very convenient. Big drive. Small movie. You decide. Big drive. Yeah, I don't think it's a small movie. He didn't work on it very much.

Oh, is that a Bobby Boucher point? You know the water boy. I've not seen that since what was at the 90s when it came out. It's like the sound he makes when he footballs. I've seen it at all. I've been also working on the render farm and I know I've disparaged Linux users before and I will continue to do so. It doesn't make a goddamn bit of sense. You open source bastards. I hate it.

I can't even log into my NAS from ya boondoo. I tried to install fedora and it blew up on installation. Miranda?

Then I, I installed Fedora's server client and I, after the full installation process, I'm greeted with a DOS command prompt and I'm like, I left this behind in 1994. I'm a commander. So yeah, I'm doing that because the alternative is Windows Server and I don't know if you know how much Windows Server costs, but it can cost upwards of

$7,000 per license per life. Do you need a license per machine that's on it? So you don't necessarily need that one. And I don't know if that includes multiple licenses for multiple computers, but it's like with servers, I have many small versions of it. And I don't know what I don't know any of it, but I know that Linux is free. So I don't have to deal with that, but also it's good. It's Dracula.

Oh, I love Count Dracula. Blah, blah. I auditioned for the movie. You think it'll be good? It's like a Christopher Nolan track. Like, we're going for dark and gritty. Dracula's been through a lot. And whenever you're ready, I'm Dracula. Jared Lido as Dracula. Sorry, Jared. I know you're a big one. Not bad.

He's sitting by the phone waiting for that call back says to turn on our podcast just to kill the time. They get my audition. Anyway, good, good small talk. Good small talk. I bet you won't have a ton of people in the subreddit telling you how good Linux is now that you've brought that up, Mark. I bet that won't happen at all. I'm sure it won't happen.

I saw a new picture

TIE fighter noises. I know I feel it. Mark's become what he hates most. You are the moon photos in the night. Have you guys heard of iron lung and or edge of sleep? Watch one of them now, the other sometime. I'm giving myself a point for promotion, promotion point. I can't get over that Mark just threw out slaver slaver like that's a word and it is a word but I've never heard that word in my life. I know lots of words. I know the best words and I had never heard that word.

I had neither. That was a, you know what, Mark? You could get so many points for slavery. How do I write this? I don't really want to write this as a slaver point. Slavering to slather over or slavery. Slavering point. There you go. I put a slavering because I just, I don't want to read it wrong later and be very confused. I think the spelling is the same, isn't it? Yeah. Kind of weird.

Guys, we got a new and original game to play today. As you may already know by the title or not, you two don't, but everyone else. Nah, I'd win part two, which is an original concept that's never been done before. I remember when you did that the first time.

Yeah, we don't really consistently have people host their own sequels. I don't know if you all remember weird, but I'm still a little bit bitter about my weird part two, three, four, five, and six. I still think you are too. You complain so much that we weren't engaging. And Mark and I engaged the shit out of weird. Yeah, I can't complain anymore. The subreddit also beat that out of me. So.

We were unbelievably engaged, unstoppably engaged. To the same extent that the ginger dead man is derisive, we were engaged. You did something. I got a dice. I think I've showed this up before. It's a very big dice. Is it fair? It is fair. Prove it. Roll a 20. Prove it's fair.

Oh my god. Hold on. It actually rolled a 20. No way. It's so fair. I don't believe you. You guys see my phone? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just took this photo. You see? Holy shit. That is very fair. The fairest thing that's ever happened possibly.

I'll probably roll it on the table instead of the floor moving forward because it kind of went farther away than I wanted. Yeah, I was thinking that would be really inconvenient if you rolled it on the floor every time. So I've got some scenarios set up here. You guys know how this game works. We played it. Basically, you're put in the position of something that is what was last time. There was a mouse facing a cat and the mouse had to overcome long odds to defeat the cat. And you guys would give me, was it like one scenario or one sentence?

We each got one action at a time. So we're going to continue that. It's one action or one sentence, one action that you get to perform. And if that's good enough to win, the dice will tell us. And then I think as it went along, you got bonuses too, right? The first one was zero, then the next one gets a plus one, so you only need a 19 and so on and so forth. Is that correct? Some like that. I mean, it's your game. You should remember the rules. Yeah, wait. Yeah.

Yeah, the first person gets a plus zero, second gets a plus one, so on and so forth. So you need less and less to win. But what if we say something that, you know, might not actually help us, but we're being funny about it? Well, then the dice will tell us if that funny is real or not. This is out of my hands. This is up to you and the dice gods. I wasn't talking about the dice. I was talking about the bonus points.

You've already got some of those. Yeah, Mark, I think he hears you. I think he is. How do you understand? OK, good. He hears me loud and clear. I understand. You might earn bonus points along the way, but that's that's between me and my gods. The S is in parentheses. Oh, how does that change?

I don't know. So anyway, who wants to go first? Well, Mark, I think I went first last time. So I'll let you go first this time. Interesting. So I'm pretty sure I was a competitor last time. No, this is your game. This is apparently your game. I didn't. I don't think I made that claim. I think you made that claim. I didn't make that claim. Well, you were talking about how last time us guys were doing things and doing. And so clearly, we comrade, we, which is a subreddit's favorite joke. They do love that.

Your first scenario, Mark, you're up first as bespoken by Bob. I know you're slavering to go, so let's get to it. I have a splinter. Ow! Well, that's very fitting. You should probably clean that out, Mark, because you are a bacteria inside a human body, and the blood cells are coming. How will you defeat them? Fascinating.

Okay, can I ask a question about the context? I think I know where you're going with this, and I'm excited about your question. Where in the body am I? You go first. You get to set the scene. We'll play it from there. I'm already in the body. You're already inside. The white blood cells are on the way. Where is Osmosis Jones in relation to us? Yeah, how far is Osmosis Jones and how rapidly is he approaching our location?

on an old Disney movie at this point away. Okay, interesting answer. You get to decide, man, this is your scenario. I laid the groundwork. All right, so I'm swirling around the circulatory system. And my objective is to kill this body, right? Yes. And I remember one more thing here. I think each of you has to repeat what the previous person said as part of the story. Oh, interesting. Not only think I know that for a fact, because it's my game. And therefore that is part of this.

So I'm swirling around the circulatory system. I know that they don't know where I am, but also, unfortunately, I don't know where I am. So I'm going to stay, but I do know that eventually I'll make it back to the heart. And when I get back to the heart, I am going to try to grab onto the closest thing in the heart and just start warming my bacteria fingers in there and hopefully kill them.

All right. Oh, I got to roll the dice. I forgot about that part. No, no, you could just call that that doesn't work. That's fine with my bad. I forgot. Mark's going to try to grab the heart, plop this thing around a little bit. Oh, God. It's a number. Triangle affair.

No. No fucking way. Oh, come on. No fucking way. No, that's just so fair. That's so fair. Oh, it's so fair. I don't want to see where this goes. I'm gonna give Mark the 20 point, but we're gonna go on, man.

No, cuz I was gonna say what I was gonna say is like I go to the heart and I self-destruct and I try to explode I wish I'd said that because then it would have just had a catastrophic chain reaction like the death star And the body would have exploded with blood out of every orifice I've rolled 220s in a row and I'm starting to feel like this dice maybe isn't fair roll it again roll it again roll again. Let's see all right Okay

Well, that was supposed to be my role. So now I get a 20. Maybe. Yeah. So Mark, I gave you a point for that 20 role, but let's keep going. That was too quick. He's not dead. Wait. No, that's the whole game. It's dead. That's so sad. I was looking forward to this one. Damn you dice. Turns out Wade dropped us into the body of someone with the completely immune immunocompromised immune system. No defense is whatsoever. Bob, you're a virus in the human. Oh, yeah.

It is different. If you're playing Plague Ink, those are very different vectors. So very different. They are. They do play different than playing. All right. Bob, you are Pluto. Okay. The universe is telling you you're not a planet. All the odds are stacked against you. You need to be a planet. How you get your planet status back is my goal to kill the universe. Whatever it takes to be a planet.

is what you need to do. I am Pluto. I am small, but I have moons, which is a very planetary feature. I reverse the magnetic poles and slow my rotation somehow because of physics, and I start trying to draw my moons in so that I can accumulate their mass into myself and become bigger. Ooh.

Okay, you are sucking in the moons to get bigger. If you roll a 20, this is I think a six or a nine. I don't know the difference on this one. This is like an important thing to be able to figure out. Well, six is on the opposite side of 15, right? Do they have the 21? So I think that's great. That would be a six. I mean, either way, that doesn't really matter. I think those are both pretty much failures. Yeah, the six and the nine now there has like a dot or anything.

This is a great thing we're using to get our rolls here. It's fine. It's what we used last time and it worked. The moons to you, Mark. All right, so I'm small, but I have moons, which is a very planetary feature. So I reverse the polarity of my magnetic fields to pull in the moons and gain their mass, right?

I angle, I angle the direction that I am bringing those moons in to eject myself from the orbit. And I'm not going in, I'm going out to the Cooper belt to gain even more, uh, uh, agario style, Katamari Damashi, I'm going to revolve around, slingshotting through the Cooper belt, getting everything I can.

hopefully reentering back in to steal the orbit of one of those other planets. I'm not sure which yet, but I know that if I dethrone one of them, I can be that planet. Oddly enough, that's literally exactly what I was thinking. Nice, nice. We're on the same wavelength here. I love this. Coops to rocks and coming back in. That is a 13. Damn.

That's surprisingly good. You needed a 19. Bob, back to you. You now need an 18. I'm small, but I have moons, a very planetary feature. I reverse the polarity of my magnetic field and start sucking my moons in by angle the suckage of the moons in so that they actually eject me from my current orbit and throw me into an extremely eccentric orbit that will take me out to the also, I don't know who's right. I've always said Kuiper belt. Is it Cooper belt?

It's probably the cap- it's probably- but I said Cooper. I don't know if that- that will take me out to the Cooper belt. A lot of guys have belts could be any of them. That I- where I will- a Gario style, Katamari Dimashi style. Accumulate more mass.

Well, before my highly eccentric orbit comes me, plings me, flailing back into the solar system as a big, big boy. I have goals and primary goal of my goals. Top most of them is to take the place of the most overrated planet in the solar system. The one that everyone's talking about all the time, no matter what, I am gonna knock.

Earth. Down a peg. Slash into the sun. And take its place. Fucking Earth into the sun to take its place. So close, Bob. You needed an 18. You got a 17. Oh, so almost there. Almost there. So do I successfully knock the Earth into the sun? And that doesn't work? Or do I not successfully accomplish that? I'll tell how that story unfolds. Yeah. Listen, I'm just a nice roller.

Is that how that usually works? I rolled the dice and you tell me what happens Dungeons and Dragons not dungeons and story time come on I mean it did happen because I think more guys to tell it so it does happen All right, I'm small, but I have moons which is a very planetary feature

It is. I reverse the polarity of my magnetic fields to draw those sum matches in, but I angle them so that they eject me from my orbit into a very eccentric orbit through the Cooper Kuiper belt, where I will gather as much Massagario, Katamari, Dimashii style, and then angle my way back in from my eccentric orbit and hit that upstart son of a bitch, Earth,

Fuck them. They think they can not name me a planet. I was a plant before any of those little bugs on the surface were ever there. I think that's what you meant, Bob. I think that's what you meant, Bob. I think that's kind of the attitude you're going for. And so I wang doodle into them pool queue style. Think, Bob, they go sailing. I steal their moon.

Because I lost Charon and that hurt, but Charon's part of me now. And I am Earth to go firing into Venus. Because if I can knock down another planet at the same time, that increases my chances of being a planet. So Earth that was thrown into the sun, you're also going to hit into Venus on the way. We didn't know that it went into the sun. It was a hope. Yeah, that was my intention.

But Venus is on the way into the sun. It's not wrong. It's going in. It's going in. On its way to the sun, Earth is now going to hit Venus. It's taking out Venus help. You need a 17 or higher. 13. Damn. That's the same thing I rolled last time. Lucky number 13. Bob? All right. I'm Pluto. I'm small, but I have moons. Very planetary. Reverse the magnetic field. Suck the moons in. Angle that some bitch so that it launches me into a highly eccentric orbit out into the Cooper Kuiper Cooper belt.

out there. I'm going to accumulate as much mass as I can before my orbit carries me back in to the solar system where I will smash into that upstart pipsqueets son of a bitch earth and throw those little ant douchebags down towards the sun where they belong and on the way I'm angling it so that the earth also smashes into Venus because the more planets I take out the better chance I have of being named a planet.

I miscalculated a little bit, I stole the Earth's moon and that affected my trajectory and I am now accidentally and a slightly larger further away orbit from the sun than the Earth was, but during the collision

some living creatures that were on Earth accidentally transferred over onto the surface of me. And as they're now home planet, I do everything I can to nurture them into evolving into a species that will worship me as the planet they know and love and came into existence upon.

I hope you at home can regurgitate all of that. Good luck, Mark. All right, Bob, you need a 16 or higher. I'm going to get it, Mark. I don't think I got it, Mark. All right. Let me tell you how this is going to go down, right? Look, I'm small, but I got moons. Very planetary, very demure. I reverse the magnetic polarities, bringing Charon and my little tiny extra moon, but I got to take that Earth.

Angle it, I go out Cooper Kuiper belt, Bradley Cooper my way to extra mass, angle eccentricly back in towards that fucking piece of shit. Goddamn shit stain of a planet earth steal their bitch. It's mine now. Go hang out with Venus in hell. Push it out of the way. Oh, what's this? There's things on me. They're growing.

I'm going to take care of them. I'm not gonna wash. I'm not gonna bathe. They're gonna love me and despair like a ladriel. But you know what else? You know who is eyeball giving me the stink-eye? You know who's giving me the stink-eye? Earth's protector Jupiter? Earth's protector Jupiter been like,

protecting that son of a bitch from every threat which way to Tuesday and he's giving me the stink eye but you know what I've played games a lot and I know weak spot when I see it this moon don't need it like an Olympic spinny big rock thrower dude I take that moon and I start spinning because it's moons not loyal to me I don't need it

Right for the big red butthole in Jupiter, and I bullseye it, blast it out another plant down. All right. Let's see if that works. You need a fifteen or higher. God, I hope that works. Sixteen. Okay. Well, this is feeling very familiar. I feel like last time we played this game, I didn't win a single dice roll if I recall the shocking about how that works somehow on this show where somehow it's always the same. No matter how many times I get dice rolled in my favor.

Don't worry, Bob. This is your time to shine. Got it. Are you ready for your scenario? Do I go first? I am. Oh, yeah. I was thinking is Mark just one. Yeah. I guess Mark, you remember Mark won his very first one on his first move because the dice that we're rolling is very fair. Yeah, of course. I remember that one happening. Yeah, I definitely didn't forget. Sure. Yeah. Okay. So it would be Mark's turn again because that's fair.

Bob, I just want to make sure you're ready. I want you to be on your bed. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. Mark, I'm not going to ask if you're ready. We're just jumping in. All right. You're an orgasming pig and a farmer is coming to slaughter you. What? Male or female pig? Mark is the author of this story. Oh, okay. Good. You have at least 30 minutes. Of what? Orgasm power? What do you mean at least 30 minutes? Yeah, the farmer is not going to kill you during. He's respectful. So what am I going to make it last?

No, not necessarily. You just have to survive. But you could. Not the orgasm. You have to survive the farmer. The farmer is the threat. The orgasm is just happening.

What's the matter, but I thought you were ready go on man. Let's what do you even have to think about the first moves obvious? Okay, all right. All right. Here we go dear penthouse forum. I never thought it would happen to me there I was With Betsy oh man, you've seen a pig before right anyway finish the deed um

barely three minutes in the mid finish and here I hear farmer John's boots thundering down the roadway. I know what's up. He fed me oats that morning. I know a trap when I see it. Look down, it's not bedsy. It's a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket.

Fool on me, right? Well, anyway, I know he's very polite. He'll make sure that I get to enjoy myself before my bitter, bitter end. Well, too can play it that game. I see a pale of milk that he left out. Fool, he is. I've got a bucket full of fraud that's going to keep this going all night long. So long as he sees some white fluid,

He's not gonna kill me cuz he thinks I'm not done yet. Take that bucket stealthily slide it under me and I just take a poof and I go for hours. Dov, I hope you remember. I don't know if I'd ever hope for a toy more in my life than I'm hoping for it.

Damn it. Oh, God. No. Mark, I, you better hope to God doesn't come back to you. Dear pet house for him. I never thought this would happen to me. There I am with Bessie. You've seen a pig, right?

Anyway, here I am, not three minutes into finishing. But I hear farmer what's his face's boots come slamming down the roadway. And I know what that means. He fed me oats this morning. I know what that means. I look down and it's not even messy. It's just a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket. It's okay though, because the farmer's very polite. He would not dare slaughter me until I'm finished finishing.

when I wield my most deadly weapon as a pig. Oh, you know, my diarrhea that I can't stop from coming out violently. And so I just jump all over them and just try and smother them with shit and see if I can hold them down and drown them in my own shit. Thank for keeping that succinct boy. Let's roll the second time. God, I hope I don't get a 19.

Oh no, it's Mark's turn. I can't believe you remembered everything except for Barbara John's name. Yeah, whatever the fuck his name was. I don't care. Don't make me. I'm sorry, man. The dice. It's mostly your own bullshit.

I know what's up he fed me oats this morning so I know what the game is and I looked down it's not even

It's a fucking bale of hay wrapped in a blanket, but I know he's polite, right? I know he's polite I feel bad ashamed tricked. He's very polite. He'll he won't finish me before I'm finished finishing So I look around with as still so that I can see a buck and milk drag it under me I go like ah one white substance is good is another did my poofing up ah

And then while he's standing there watching, kind of weird, but you know, we're in this. I was thinking with my little pig brain and I'm like, ah, I have the ultimate plan. It took me half that bucket to think of this plan. I feign a heart attack. I know he's a sympathetic sort. He fed me oats. He made Betsy, I guess. And he would not dare kill me if I'm already dying. Shanked the milk off my hoof. I lay down and go, ah!

Like, I got a heart attack, right? Surprise! Poop attack! I jump on him when he gets close, diarrhea all over. See the only tool I got left? I have very few fluids left in my body, but I decide to shit all over him. That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget. And while he is flailing from all the poop, I grab Betsy for later, and grab his shovel that he dropped, and then in my... I do one of these.

Swing with both. It's not really like a swing. It's more like a yeah, I tried to decapitate him Okay, wait you can end this what's that was the third one. I needed 18 or higher

Oh, that's definitely gonna happen. We haven't wasted a bunch of 20s on goofing around. Eight. Hey, teen? No. Bob, do you? Dare pet house for him. I never thought this would happen to me. There I am with Betsy. Not three minutes into finishing. When I hear farmer, what's his face's boots come slamming down the drive? And I look down and it's not even Betsy. It's just Bella, hey, with the blanket wrapped around it.

I know what's happening. He fed me oats this morning. I know what's happening, but he wouldn't dare kill me before I finish finishing He's a polite sort and as I'm finishing I look around and I see that he left a bucket of milk out and I grab that my slide under and and he has no idea I'm gonna be finishing for hours I Take my hoof and I dip it in the milk and I go

And as I'm finishing, repeatedly, I get about halfway through the bucket of milk before I realize I need to find another way out. And he's a sympathetic man, so if I pretend to have a heart attack, he'll probably come check on me and his guard will be down. And so I wipe the milk off my hoof and I lay over on my side and I go,

Like I'm having a heart attack and the farmer comes in and drops the shovel behind him And he's checking on me and as he leans over to check out me I jump up on him and start shitting everywhere and that's why shit attack is panning out I realize this is probably not enough to finish the job So I reef back and I grab Bessie and then I lunge off the shit covered farmer and pick up the shovel that he had I don't have fingers so I kind of have it in both arms and I go

And I tried to capitate him, and that doesn't work, but at this point, I've got an opening. He left the gate open, and so me and Bessie high-tail it out the gate, and just on the other side of the path that the farmer just walked out to come slaughter me, is the tractor. And I've seen this man operate the tractor hundreds of times. So I know what to do. I set Bessie down by the pedals, and I say, what I say the word, you for it! And I climb up top!

Then I push buttons until that sub bitch rumbles into life and then I pull on some levers and then I look down at Bessie and I let all that gill floor it and I aim it right at the farmer laying in my shit pile. Alright, it takes five minutes to recap this time. Bob, you need a 17. Oh man, I really hope for Mark's sake we get there.

Oh, that's almost a 17. It really wanted to stop on the 19 there, but it stopped at the 12. You can start approaching things, I think, Mark. We're accumulating a lot of stuff. Dear Penhouse Forum, you've heard this story before. Me, Betsy, you know, pigs.

Anyway three minutes in Farmer John's coming. I'm not done coming hit, but I look down I did a fucking trick again again It's a pile of hay in a blanket anyway, he comes in he's looking at me. I know he likes to watch I'm not about that, but he fed me oats this morning So I know he's play is gonna wait till I finish I stealthily put the bucket of milk under me get my paw and go

I can keep that up for hours. Gives me enough time to think. Ah, heart attack. I've done it before. I'll do it again. Shake my hoof off, dumb idea. He comes over, poop attack. Right in his eyes. Blast him. Grab Betsy, grab his shovel.

Tornado attack didn't work. I throw the shovel away grab Betsy again drag out to the outside where there's a tractor I've seen the farmer use a tractor before I throw Betsy up by the gas pedal I say when I say floor it do it I push buttons I pull levers get that thing rumbling point it right towards where that farmers shaking in my shit pile I say floor it

And I remember Betsy's pile. Hey can't really do that. I scramble I like shit. I'm on the other side of the tractor It's already going she's gonna blow if I don't divert power to the engine or the wheels So I I dive for the gas pedal push Betsy unfortunately out of the window and I see Betsy tumble right under the tractor Thresher blades and oh

No! She was a pile of hay. She actually reformed back into a bale. The blanket perfectly back all the way on the other side, actually better than before. After what I'd done to that pile of hay, was not in the correct shape anymore. Betsy's by me, I hit the gas pedal try again. Alright. I think you get a 16. Alright, I rig it to self-destruct and then I dive off with Betsy if you want something a little different. No, I like that. I just don't know if it's gonna work. Please?

Dear Penthouse Forum, I can't believe it happened to me. I with Betsy got three minutes in, the farmer wants his face. He fed me oats. I know what that means. He fed me oats. I know what that means again. We'll look down.

Best is not even a pig, it's a bale of hay with a blanket. What the shit tricked again? Farmer gets there. I know he likes to watch. I'm not into that, but he's too polite He won't kill me till I'm done finishing and I look around a bucket of milk. Obviously milk equals jizz. I went to milk, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I can do this for hours, and I do. And about halfway through the bucket of milk, I realize he's too polite. If I pretend to heart attack, he'll get worried and come to help. So I clean the milk off by hoof, and then he comes in, and he's bending down, and that's when she's an attack. And I shit all over him, especially his face, and he's brything around. And then I use that opportunity to go behind him and pick up a shovel that he dropped. And I also, I brought Bessie with me. Don't forget that. And I try and tornado attack.

They've shoveled and knew nothing because I'm a pig and then I'm like whoa and I run over to the tractor that's parked over across the way and I toss Messi by the pedals and I'm like when I say the word you floor it and then I climb up and I push buttons and I pull levers and it rumbles the life and then I yelled out at Bessie for it and nothing happens because Bessie's a pile of hay so I jumped out and I chucked Bessie out the window and she unfortunately falls into the thrasher blades of the tractor and

But it's okay because she's made a hay, so she reformed perfectly into the exact same bill of hay on the backside of the tractor and the blank is wrapped around her She's even better because she's not all being up by me fucking her and then I floor it right over to the farmer But then I realized that the wall of my pen is made of stone So the tractor just goes right into the stone wall and it throwing and nothing

And at that point, I realized the farmer always keeps a loaded cocked, ready to go shotgun, hanging on the back wall of the cab of the tractor. And even though I don't have fingers, I could probably get that thing down close enough to him and then triggered with something. So I'm like, oh, shoot him in his stupid face. So I get the gun out of the tractor and I lay it down, sort of aimed it, and I pull the trigger and kill him with the shotgun. All right, 15 or higher.

Please. No. Come on. It's the six. Alright.

I don't have a lot of time. I'm 29 minutes into a 30 minute orgasm when I hear his footsteps coming by. Farmer was named a good killer. He fed me oats this morning. Real nice guy, but I know what's up. I don't have a long left drag a bulking of milk under me. He starts spewing out milk. He can't tell the difference he's half blind. Anyway, I was half blind. Look down Betsy's pile. Hey, in a blanket. Look, don't have a lot of time. It was great until it wasn't.

Roughly that out and then I realize I need to do a heart attack shake off my paw at the same time fall over roll down He's so nice comes over real close right within shitting distance shitting his eyes grab Betsy grab a shovel try to swing this cap didn't didn't work too low to the ground I go outside Where his tractor is and I know that I've seen him use it before throw Betsy up by the gas pedal I say like when I tell you to floor you floor it

I start pushing buttons, pulling levers, and I get it lined up, engine, run with it, I go Betsy, FLORRY! The pile of hay. Start out the window, she goes in and throws her blades. No, and then she reforms into a pile of hay, pre-fucked, with a blanket still on it. It's great, save that for later. I aim the tractor, right it, and the farmer drum, where he's twitching my shit pile. I hit buttons, I gun it, and that bounces off, doing right on the barn. Then I look back, that donks through a shotgun down off the wall. Oh, shit, that's great, grab a shotgun. I think I can get this, get it in my mouth, go over, try to shoot him in, stew of his face.

BLANK! BLANK! FUCK! He's so nice! He just had blanks in his shotgun! He wasn't gonna kill me at all! Maybe he wasn't gonna kill me! I apologize. I say, hey, bro, maybe I misread the whole situation. Can you please forgive me? Yeah, it did right by me, by that, hey, bail. I'm not gonna lie. Couldn't tell the difference. Why don't we just put all this behind us? Pal. Pal? I put my jizz cover up out there for him to shake. Pal, buddy. You need a 14.

Oh, no. Why? All right. New strategy. I'm going to try and get to the part where I add new stuff in one breath. OK. All right.

You're a pet house for him. I can't believe it happened to me. I'm going to press you three minutes in. The farmer starts walking down the path. I looked out and it's not messy. It's a bale of hail with a blanket wrapped around it. The farmer's going to kill me, but he's going to wait until I'm done finishing. Oh, why is this making it harder to remember? Ah, fucking shit. All right. Well, the breath thing was my own role. Anyway, he's not going to kill me until I'm done finishing. And I see a bucket of milk and I'm like, ah, and then I dip my hoof and I'm like, and he's standing there watching and halfway through the bucket of milk. I'm like, if I fade to the heart attack and then and

And then he comes in and he's so worried and I'm like, ah, to grab Bessie, I grab the shovel and I tornado attack. Nothing happens because I'm fake. Then I go outside and then there's a tractor. I throw up by the pedals and I start to track her. I push the buttons and pull the levers and I'm like, Bessie, floor it! And Jim do it because she's violent. Now throw her out, dress her blades. Ah, she's fine. Whoa, whoa. She's leaving hotter than before.

My forehead and the tractor hits the wall and just wink and that but because of the dog there's a shotgun and falls right down I'm like, oh, and I get stuck in my mouth and I go and I shoot it in man It's a blank cuz the farmer's so nice. I'm like, oh, it's a guy so nice that I stick my chest paw out and I'm like, hey, can you forgive me? Hey, hey, buddy's that house and he looks me through his shit covered eyes any grimaces and he says I'm gonna eat you myself and

and I look around frantically because I realize he's not gonna forgive me and there's an oil lamp hanging on the barn up on the rafters of the barn and I'm like well yeah I don't know if I'll make it out but maybe we'll both die you son of a bitch and I jump up and I smack

the oil lamp so that it bursts into a huge thing of flame and the entire barn is engulfed in a conflagration of flame because it's all filled with hay and all kinds of flammable shit and the farmers laying there still try to get his bearings back from the shit and I stare into his eyes as he realizes that he's gonna died it's oh my fault you need a 30 oh good we're not rolled higher than a six in a while we're doing

Just say it was a 13. Oh, for fuck's sake. Mark, you need a 12. Fuck you. Three hour episode of mostly just this one thing. Your pen is form. I never imagined it would happen to me. You know Betsy, right? Well, anyway, three minutes into my 30 minute orgasm.

I hear Farmer John, he's coming my way. Oh shit. Oh, this morning, I shouldn't have known. He's gonna kill me, look down. It's not your best. He's a hay ballad and blanket. I say, fuck, grab a bucket of milk that he forgot, pull it under me, start slinging around. He walks in, loves to watch. He sees me slinging around. He's like, oh, I better wait till he's finished. He's so nice. He's so good and plate. Anyway, I get a lot of thinking time in as I'm playing going. And then I realize, oh, if I fake a heart attack, he's so nice. He's not gonna kill me if I'm already dying. He might think something wrong with me, go over.

Shake my move off with milk. He comes over real close shit in his eyes He falls down grab Betsy grab the shovel try to tornado attack him doesn't work go out to the tractor throw him up by the pedals I start pulling up push letters it fires life I go for it. She's a bail Hey, I throw her out the window. She goes into the thrasher blades I go And then she's even hotter than before when she comes out the other side with the blanket still on it man. That was a good blanket

I hit the guy from the bounce off the wall, boy. Oh, shotgun falls down. I grab it in my mouth. I go over there. I'm like, I'm gonna blow you. I use a big click bang. It's a blank. This guy was so goddamn nice. I stick out my milk covered, just covered shit covered pond and go like, pal. He says, no, I like, well, fuck you then. Anyway, he was going to eat me himself. He says, I grabbed the lantern from up on high. I dive bomb into it. I dive up bomb into. I headbutt it.

Blast into a fireball conflagration. It takes a whole barn covered in hay everywhere wood beams I say like I Can't give you but I'm gonna take you with me or something. I said something cool in that It was in the moment. I can't remember right now and then as we're all burning and we're getting there He rises from the embers. He's half if you know V from vendetta when he stood out of the ashes everything went oh

That's what he did right then in there. He's a naked too. Well, I mean I'm naked too, but I'm a pig but that's okay And then I see behind him Betsy Betsy there. She's walking into the flames right behind him He doesn't see he's he's too busy screaming about to kill me removes the blanket off of herself wraps

him and her in the blanket I'm like oh my bacon sizzling but she's sacrificing herself to take this guy down once and for all because a blanket's gonna seal them both up they will both burn and I might live but he will die and I might die

I have a clarify question. Is Betsy at this point still just a pile of hair? It's a melee with a blanket. No, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Okay. All right. You need a 12. Bob, you're up. It's a three. That dice is so bull fit. Bob, you have 50% chance.

Dear pet house forum. I can't believe I'm having to be with Bessie. I looked out. You know a pig. Three minutes in. The farmer starts walking down. I looked out again. Bessie's made of hay. Oh no. Farmer comes down. He fed me out. I know what that means, but he's going to wait to kill me until I finish finishing. Oh man, I'm starting to lose bits of it. And I'm like, well, I can finish forever. I see a bucket of milk. I slide that between my legs. I dip my hoof in and I start going.

And I'm doing that for hours and about halfway through the bucket of milk I'm like oh fake heart attack and then I shake the milk off my hoof and I'm like and he comes in because he's stupid and he looks at me and as he's bending over and he guards down I jump all over and I shit all over him and that doesn't kill him I don't know why it wouldn't grab the Bessie and I grab the shovel and it started to attack and that doesn't do anything and I grab Bessie and I'm like ah tractor and I chuck her up by the pedals that pull in levers and push the button it was a rumble to life and I am in it to forward I'm like Florida

Nothing happens. Bailey. Hey, I check her out. She goes into the fresher. Nothing happens. Bail of hay, but sexy and then I floor it and get in the wink and hit the wall farmer not dead. Shotgun falls in and I grab the shotgun and I'm like, oh kill him and I feel like he's getting hit. Bang. Oh, it's a blank. Oh, he's so nice. I stick out my jizz mud shit milk covered hoof and I'm like friends and he's like, oh fucking eat you. I'm

I'm like, oh, then we'll both die. And I smash the oil lamp and it bursts into a conflagration and the whole barn's going up because it's filled with hay and shit. And I'm looking around and he's not dying. And I'm like, oh, I'm sizzling. And then I see Bessie jump onto action and jump on the farmer and wraps her hay bale arms around him and the blanket and seals him up tight and then turns him into a hot pocket and I'm going to cook in the barn.

And I'm like, oh, he's definitely dead now. I'll get the rest of my revenge on his family. And I go hop in the tractor, drive up towards the farmhouse. Then as the tractor is floored right at the farmhouse, I find another oil lamp because it's an old tractor. Then I smash the oil lamp all over the outside of the tractor, and now it's a big rolling fireball. And it crashes into the farmhouse to kill the rest of his family.

You need to leave it alone. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. You did it.

Oh, the curse has been broken. Welcome to my side of the dice roll mark where you never win and it only gets worse. That was quite a battle. Many phases. What was the first thing that happened where you did bacteria? I was so excited for the bacteria. I was like, man, we're going to start off strong. We had the shortest and longest night win all in this episode. Do you remember Pluto? That was fun.

Very planetary feature. Going through the points here, Bob, I'll start with you. Oh, Bob, you got a point for points for tiny car. Ace Ventura, embarrassed pig recollection, milk equal giz. Feel me out. Feel me. Oh, oh, something oats times three. Feed me out. Yeah, you kept saying he fed me out. So then he fed me. I find it really funny. It made me laugh. Yeah, I know what that means. He fed me out. I know what that means. He fed me out.

One breath fail. Clough, not Paul. Kill his family. And you rolled a 15 for the win. All the stuff in between the one breath recollection and the end. No, nothing. There's a lot of points there. See, Bob, your problem is you get too many funnies too quickly. He can't keep track of them all. I try to ration my funnies like a pig's orgasm. I just draw it out.

Mark, you got points for 122 terabytes. Cubes made cry. Slavering. 20 wins bacteria. Pluto 15, roll to 16. Betsy's hey. Bye bye, Betsy. Jizz pause.

Because you changed the hoof to a paw halfway through? I feel better about the things I got points for now, I guess. How can no one got a point for flooring? I don't know. I was probably too busy actually laughing at that point. Oh no! There was a point, Bob, where you were talking and I think Mark and I were just fucking dying. We were laughing so hard. I was like the first recollection you did, Bob. I couldn't believe you remembered every fucking detail.

That's the game! Nah, whatever the fuck his name was. Bob, you finished with ten points. Mark, you finished with nine points making Bob the winner. That's fair. I... I... Oh, the fucking Ghost Rider pig with a tractor going up. What did the kids look out the window like? Mommy! The sun's rising again. Years later, one of the survivors is reading penthouse, and they see where this is really good.

And they thought the pig died when it rolled over the house and then it was like, oh no, that means looks behind. The fire starts looming at the pig in the doorway. Yeah, Bob, you won. So you get to give a winner's speech. Yay, dice rolls. It always feels good to win, and it feels even better to win when I earned it.

That was the first one. I mean, we haven't done this a lot. That's the first time we played a game like that where it got so long, I actually was struggling to remember a lot of it by the end there. Some details definitely started to disappear from my recollections. Yeah. Mark, loser speech.

I think if I could remember Korean vocabulary as well as I remember these stories, I think it just goes to show that if you want to remember anything, start weaving the most absurd tale you possibly can. And you will remember it.

You will remember it. But you know, I think that as great a start, I gave the pig one or cursed. Bob really took it home with that one. He has some great contributions, some real vengeful ideas, and I concede the victory to Bob for that. That was well, well, well won. I almost died laughing. There was a point where there I couldn't breathe.

Cannot disagree with you there. I also felt like that was happening at one point. But good episode, boys. Thank you all for watching. If you haven't already, go follow Bob at my screen, Market Markiplier, me at Minions777 or LordMinions777. Stay tuned for the next one, we'll Bob will host and who knows what we'll do. Until then, I've cast out. Oh, merch, rectualstore.com. Podcast really out.