My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
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January 27, 2025
TLDR: Discusses a woman struggling with her boyfriend's female friend, a mother seeking advice on caring for sick husband while protecting daughter, and a husband concerned about seasonal depression in wife.

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, Dr. Delony tackles various pressing relationship issues, with a focus on navigating complex social dynamics. The three main case studies discussed include a woman struggling with her boyfriend's female friend, a mother balancing care for her husband while protecting her daughter, and a husband wanting to help his wife manage seasonal depression.
Navigating Social Dynamics
The Boyfriend’s Female Friend
The episode begins with Kayla, who shares her frustrations about her boyfriend's female friend who seems to exclude her in group settings. Key insights from this discussion include:
- Understanding Jealousy: Kayla feels the friend perceives her as a threat, leading to her exclusion.
- Partner's Responsibility: Dr. Delony emphasizes the importance of the boyfriend's role in defending Kayla's place in his life and confronting immature friends.
- Self-Value: A crucial takeaway is that Kayla needs to recognize her worth and not seek validation from someone who is dismissive of her.
Healthy Boundaries
Dr. Delony stresses that in any relationship, especially when considering long-term commitments like marriage, partners must prioritize each other. This includes:
- Making Difficult Choices: The boyfriend must choose between maintaining an unhealthy friendship and solidifying his romantic relationship.
- Direct Communication: It’s vital for Kayla to clearly outline her expectations and needs from her partner to navigate their future together.
Care for Loved Ones
Balancing Family Responsibilities
In the second segment, a mother grapples with caring for her husband while ensuring her daughter's safety. Dr. Delony discusses:
- Self-Protection: The mother must prioritize her mental and emotional health to be effective in her caregiving role.
- Seeking Professional Help: Considering therapy can be crucial for maintaining a healthy balance in family dynamics, particularly in challenging times.
Managing Seasonal Depression
Supporting a Partner’s Mental Health
Another caller, Buford, expresses concern for his wife who experiences seasonal depression. Dr. Delony provides practical recommendations:
- Utilizing Light Therapy: Incorporating a light box to combat the dark winter months can significantly help alleviate symptoms of seasonal affective disorder.
- Outdoor Activity: Encouraging outdoor time, even brief walks, can enhance mood and increase energy levels.
- Therapeutic Involvement: Buford is advised to engage with counseling to explore deeper emotional patterns that may be impacting his wife.
Key Takeaways and Expert Opinion
- Healthy Relationships are Built on Respect: Partners should support and prioritize each other over immature external influences.
- Communicating Needs: Clearly articulating personal expectations creates a foundation for a solid relationship.
- Don't Ignore Mental Health: Addressing mental health, be it through light therapy or therapy sessions, is essential for personal and relational well-being.
Conclusion
In today's episode, Dr. Delony highlights the complexities of relationships while providing actionable advice for listeners facing similar challenges. Whether it’s dealing with social exclusion from a partner's friend or balancing family dynamics, clear communication, establishing boundaries, and prioritizing mental health are key components to fostering healthier connections. As listeners reflect on these insights, they can begin to apply them in their own lives for improved emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction.
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They met in college, and I can't seem to get along with her, and I'm not sure why she feels threatened by me. That's the impression that I've been kind of given. Your boyfriend saw it. Yeah. Why does it bother you so much that this stranger doesn't like you? I agree. Does he have feelings for this other woman? What up? What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John Deloney show.
We're talking about making good choices. We were just talking off air about a minute season of not making the greatest choices. We're talking about your mental and emotional health, making good choices, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we're gonna help figure out the next right thing. Whatever you wanna talk about, I'm here. Give me a buzz at 1-844-69-3-3-2-91. It's 1-844-69-3-3-2-9-1, or go to johndeloney.com slash.
Ask ASK. And don't forget, hit the subscribe button on the YouTube's or leave a five star review and make such a big difference for putting us up in the algorithms. All right, let's roll out to roll out to Minneapolis and talk to Kayla. You got me on my news, Kayla. What's up, Kayla? Doing pretty good. How about you? Excellent. I'm doing great. What's up in your world?
Sure, so my question for you is, how do I handle my boyfriend's female friend who excludes me in group settings? That whole sentence is strange. Tell me, tell me about this person you're dating.
So my boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years and he recently bought a house about a year and a half ago. And he has been friends with this woman for about eight years. They met in college and I can't seem to get along with her. And I am not sure why she feels threatened by me. That's the impression that I've been kind of given. And him and I don't know how to navigate this.
He has a choice to make. Does he want to lose you as his romantic partner? Or does he want to keep this platonic friendship? Because it sounds like she's really immature. Yeah. We've talked to, we've confronted her about this too. And when he asked her, you know, if she likes me or not, she couldn't really give a straight answer. So. I know, but here's the thing, Kayla, she doesn't have to like you. Like there's not like a rule that says she has to like you. The rule is, is your boyfriend going to honor
his girlfriend, the person who might become his wife one day, or is he going to keep placating to this kind of vampire or other person, this friend? Because like take the female part of it out. I had buddies that weren't super in favor of me dating my wife, and they're not my buddies. Like they get to choose.
You know what I mean? And so, and I had other buddies being like, hey, man, are you sure that she's the right person for you? Cause she was so different than person, I mean, than people I've dated in the past. And her friends for sure sat her down and were like, whoa, this guy's not super stable. And they were right. But like, so take the female part of it out.
Like if it was just a dude friend at the end of the day, he's got to decide. I don't want to be with this guy who keeps, who won't invite my girlfriend in any place, keeps snubbing her when we're in a public or whatever. And so just the fact that it's a woman makes their like a little layer, an additional layer of tension, if you will. My question for you is like, why do you care so much about this other friend? Right. Why does it matter to you? Yeah, like I've asked them that before and I'm asking you.
Um, I don't know, like I, I can't pinpoint it. I mean, I've tried like talking to her. Forget her. Why does it bother you so much that this stranger doesn't like you? Um, I guess I just want to be included in this group. And your boyfriend allows you to be excluded. Yeah. I mean, he never really did anything or like
I mean, he confronted her, but that's pretty much the only thing that he did in terms of standing up for me. So no, your boyfriend sucks. Like, I mean, really? Yeah. Like if I showed up somewhere and it was very clear that my girlfriend of two and a half years, do you all live together now? Yeah, we do. Yeah, that I'm building this life with.
She's not welcome. I'm out. Yeah. Like this dude sucks. He's like grow up. I mean, and I would say that if he was on the phone right now, so I'm not like trying to talk behind his back, but he needs to make a choice. Yeah. I have feelings for this other woman. No, that I never worry about them having feelings for each other. And I don't think it's on her side either. It's just.
I don't know like what I've done to her to make her not like. It doesn't matter. You trying to solve that she probably has feelings for your for your boyfriend. And that's fine. Or she's got some maternal like or super dope best friend like she's not good enough for my whatever. But getting into her head and trying to figure that out is a waste of your time and energy. You're never going to know that.
Right. The bigger thing is, I think she is, I say this, I use this analogy too much, but she's the proxy war. The real issue is, is you have a boyfriend that you've started, like, you're playing house with, you're like, you've been with for two and a half years, you're starting to think about a future, like you've got a picture in your head, and this dude won't stand up for you on a basic level. Where are other places he doesn't stick up for you?
Um, I mean, I don't know. I mean, pretty much he's stuck up for me. Like we've had like conflicts with family members and stuff and he's always been like to my side and everything. But it just seems like this one issue he has troubles like facing it. And one thing to note is that she is dating his best friend. So he became friends with her first and then he became friends with her boyfriend later. So let's forget him and let's forget her.
What do you want? Um, I just want to be able to get along with everybody. So that's not going to happen because they don't want to get along with you. Okay. So when you think about your relationship with him, what do you want? Um, I want marriage. I want to have kids someday. I want stability. I want fulfilling relationship and I just want to be healthy. Okay. Part of a fulfilling relationship is somebody having the courage that when their spouse is not welcome.
they get up and walk out the door. Because in all situations, I choose her. And for whatever it's worth, Kayla, you're worth that. And I would recommend not creating humans, not having kids, not getting on the mortgage, not marrying somebody who him hauls around that. Yeah. Like you're worth more than that.
Yeah, you're right. Is that fair? Do you believe that? Yeah, I do. I deserve happiness. Well, it's not even to deserve happiness. You deserve loyalty. You deserve priority. You don't deserve, I'm going to give her a good talking to you. And then, well, she didn't like you. So you just go over in the corner, we're going to hang out over here. Are you kidding me? Yeah.
I mean, it's hopefully it sounds absurd when you hear me saying it back to you, right? Yeah, it does. Okay. Like, and I know it's hard when you're in this, when you're in love with somebody, when you want something to work really bad and you're in the middle of it, it's really hard to see it. And that's why you have friends and therapists and knuckleheads on a podcast, right? That you can reach out to, but you're worth more than this whole situation. And this other woman, she's never been like you and she doesn't have to, like good on her.
The real question here is, is what's, what's, what is this romantic relationship worth to your boyfriend? And right now he's trying to play both sides of the fence. He bought a house. Yeah. He invited you into his little world on his terms. He won't marry you yet. He probably tells you he's got like plans or he wants to do some stuff and then, right? Whatever nonsense that is. Yeah.
And so he's stringing you along and stringing you along. And he's got this other friend group that you're kind of not included in. Screw that dude, man. Yeah. I just, I just sucks. It just sucks for you. And if he was talking to me, I'd say it sucks for him too, because he's not going all in any place. And what he's going to do is he's going to, um, he's just breathing really shallow oxygen because he's trying to, he's trying to placate everything. So he doesn't have to make hard decisions in his life.
He doesn't have to make commitment decisions. Does that sound right? Yeah, absolutely. You're spot on. Okay. So I think that, I think, here's what I would do if I were you. I would get with a couple of girlfriends that I trust, not in this little friend circle. And I would do, you said things like, I want to be happy and I want, you know, I want to, I want a fulfilling marriage, things like that.
I want you to be very specific about what that looks like. I want a guy that puts his phone down when I walk in the room. I want a guy who pauses or mutes the game when I walk into the living room because I'm worth more than a bunch of multi-millionaire dudes playing a game that I'm just watching. I'm not even playing. I want to know that we're going to talk about a budget every month that we're on the same page with how we spend our money.
that we're on the same page with our kid raising goals. So I know I'm a priority. And right now, it's just, I mean, you're just a part, you're a puzzle piece in whatever world he's trying to create. And he's allowed to do that. You aren't married, you can do what he wants to do, but I'm just telling you, I think you're worth more than that. But I think the worth starts with you acknowledging it and being very specific about what you want. And then you have to lay it out for him.
We've been together two and a half years. I moved into your house. Here's, here's what moving forward looks like for me. I got to be a priority. I got to be number one. And so if that means like you going over to a group of friends house that don't like me, don't want me around, I'm going to ask you to choose. Cause I want to be with you. If it's a bunch of dude, bros and yeah, that's weird. Don't go over there. But like, you know, to go watch the fights or whatever. Like don't do that. But you know what I'm talking about.
I don't have to dance around and not be welcome places with you. I want us to build a life together. I don't want you to build this life or keep this life that you had and then you kind of fit me in over here on the side and I'll just take whatever scraps fall off your table. I want to share a meal with you. I hate this for you, Caleb. I don't think this is all she wrote because I recognize a lot of myself and him.
Especially years ago, years and years when I was first dating and first thinking about getting married. I was trying to keep everything the way it was and add this new thing, this new forever partner. And I had a lot of reckoning to deal with. And I needed some people in my life to call me out on it. And so maybe you're that person for him. But it all starts with you asking yourself, what do I want? And then you gotta say it all out loud.
You have to be willing to be fully known. Thanks for the call, Kayla. We'll be right back. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year. And everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful, and overall, building a better life. And we all know that most new go-good them goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems that make them sustainable.
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This show is sponsored by Better Health. Hey folks, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories we were born into. We have the stories of the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves, both good and bad. The stories of our pasts and the stories we have yet to write. And we even tell our stories about our futures. And these stories are so powerful. And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're gonna write next.
As we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even begin to heal your old stories and be intentional about the new stories you're writing for yourself. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February. I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life and your family's life forever for the better.
And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin to write new ones. Maybe think of therapy as your editorial partner, helping you write new, better stories. And if you're considering therapy, I want you to consider better help. Better help is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just get online and fill out a short survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.
Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloni. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to Alyssa. Hey Alyssa, what's going on? Hey, how are you today, Dr. John? I'm doing all right. How about you? Not great, but better than I deserve.
Oh, man. What's going on? Um, okay. So I wrote this all down to kind of keep me from going down too many bunny trails. Okay. Um, I hope you have your waiters on because this is going to be a deep mess. All right. Let's, let's just, we don't even need waiters. Let's just cannonball. Let's just do it.
Um, I would like to practice this by saying I have built myself a beautiful life. I have a small home. I run a small business out of and I absolutely love my husband and our four month old little girl. Excellent. Um, originally I was going to ask you like how I can reconcile the differences with where my husband and I started our relationship about 10 years ago to where we are now.
But something happened this weekend that kind of changed the trajectory of my question a little bit. I've known my husband for about 10 years. And when we met, I was coping with childhood abuse recently lost a cousin to suicide. And he was like the first person to actually hold me and let me cry.
I was OK with a lot of drugs, drinking, promiscuity, stuff like that. I'm not OK with that anymore. And when you say you're OK with it, you're OK with your husband doing that? Or you that's how you coped. That's how I coped. OK, great. OK. So about five years ago, I lost my dad to a drug overdose. He was 54.
I got the opportunity to be lucky enough to bring my husband home from the hospital from a drug overdose. So I'm wondering how I can protect myself and are four month old while still offering my husband the connection he so desperately means without enabling him. Man, there's a lot there. Thanks for calling. Yeah.
Yeah. No, thanks for taking my call. I've never thought I would actually get to talk to you. So it's super cool. Oh, man. Um, let's do something kind of strange. Take me back to your original question. Tell me about the last 10 years. Um, so, uh, we, we met and I was, I guess a little bit of a party girl and we were okay. I was okay with us like drinking, having a good time. Um, I told him previously and like, I'm not.
at a stickler when it comes to like porn use and stuff like that. And the more I've learned about it, just like the neurological aspects of that kind of addiction and just the thought that anybody that's in that environment is probably not healthy or happy themselves. They don't really want to be there. So it bothers me to have to know that he's watching porn. And I used to be okay with that.
I used to, we used to drink kind of heavily together. And that's kind of how I coped with everything that has gone on in my life. I got a high score on the ACEs. It's like eight out of 10. Good night. You say that like, congratulations are in order. They're not hot, man. Okay, real quick, before we keep going, I want you to do me a huge favor, okay?
How old are you now? I'm 33. Did you go to like homecoming when you're in high school? No, my dad was an addict our whole life and school wasn't. I dropped out at 16 and moved away. So 16 is who I had in my head. So do me a favor. Close your eyes.
And I want you to picture looking in a mirror at 16-year-old you. You have her? Yep. What does she look like? What colors are here? Blonde. Is it long or curly or short? Very long. Very long. Are you tall? Is she short? Oh, yeah.
No. Very tall. Athletic, beautiful, frumpy. What does she look like? Yep. No, athletics, pretty. Okay. I want you to stare into her as deeply as you can with your eyes closed. Okay. I don't want you to repeat after me. Okay. I'm so sorry I had to leave home. Can you say it? I'm so sorry you had to leave home.
And none of this? And none of this? Was your fault? Was your fault? And alcohol? Alcohol? And weed? And weed? And some guy telling you, I love you for 30 minutes. And some guy telling you, I love you for 30 minutes.
was the way you stayed alive. I believe you stayed alive. And I'm proud of you for staying alive. And I'm proud of you for staying alive. Now your shoulders are up around your neck. I want you to pull them down. OK.
From this point forward, I don't ever want you to define yourself by what you did to survive. Because for somebody with an ACE score of eight out of 10 alcohol is a miracle. Crazy sex is a miracle. Weed is a miracle. Meth is a miracle. Oh, yeah.
Because it makes the pain stop and it gets you through to tomorrow and then it gets you through to the next day. And the beautiful thing about growing up and getting wiser is we get to change our minds. We get to do different things. We get to demand new things of ourselves and those that we're in relationship with.
So you wanting new things for your life and you holding your husband to new expectations and saying, Hey, that's for me on my house. I don't want. I got to be sober more different life. You can't be cheating on me and I'm not going to cheat on you if I want a different life. I don't want a house full of like pornography. It just, it's got a haze to it. It just makes the house feel dark. Makes your eyes glaze over. Yeah.
And I don't want us to smoke and weed anymore. I want us to just face the challenges and the stress that we have so we can get to the other side of it. That's just called growing up. It's called being wise. It's called getting healthy. And it's not something to apologize for over and over and over again, okay? Yeah, okay. And one of the heartbreaking things about making choices is when people that you love don't. Yeah. And here's a weird path. Tell me if I'm wrong, but it's pretty common.
You look back and say, I want a different life. So you drink less or you drink not at all. And you, you don't want to be involved in rambunctious sex stuff. And you're not up all for all these all night benders or whatever. Like I want to make some changes. And maybe you start eating healthy, maybe you start going to the gym, maybe you get some friends, maybe you go to AA, maybe you go to church and your partner just feels the separation. Yeah.
And since alcohol works, the alcohol use increases, the drug use increases. Yeah. The defaulting to sex increases. Is that, is that sound right? Yeah. It's pretty fun. Okay. So what you've done is you've broken a sick cycle. And for now he hasn't come with you. Yeah. And so the greatest gift you can give him is a well anchored you.
How do you do that? Well, first, you got to tell that 16 year old that your dad was sick because of some stuff that was going on with him, not her. You've been trying to fix your dad for your whole life. You even married him. Yeah. You're going to say that. Right. You've been trying to fix this problem and you have to open your hands and realize, I, this is never my problem. It was never something I could solve.
And that's a humbling, scary, frustrating thing because you've spent 30 years of your life trying to solve it. Your dad's drug use and his ultimate passing was never about you. Really feels like it sometimes. I know. And he probably told you it was. Well, two weeks before I finally kind of like let him have it. And that was our last conversation.
What did you tell him? Well, I just let him, I just like explained to him that, you know, he wasn't there for me. He wasn't there to protect me. He was divorced. He caused the most pain and he was supposed to be the one to keep that from me. And it doesn't, his younger kids are adopted and he didn't even know where they are.
Yeah, he was a pretty crappy dad. Okay. And then he passed away. Yeah. Alyssa, his passing was not your fault. The timing sucks. Yeah. But you telling the truth was not your fault. Okay. Okay.
I hear that little baby. I love that sound. Yeah. Oh my gosh. She is amazing and all those GPS pins with a little girl. I know. Oh my goodness. Okay. So here's the deal. Your current husband's wellness journey is his.
Your job right now is to keep yourself safe and whole, to protect that baby at all costs, and to walk alongside your husband as needed. But he has to do the walking in his path. What does that mean? You can't drag him to rehab. You can't fall for his threats. If you do this, I'm gonna, that's his choice he's gonna make.
Okay. You can tell them, as for me and my house, after coming home, you will be in a 30-day or 60-day inpatient rehab program by the end of today or by tomorrow. Or you are choosing to leave this home. Because I will not do this again to another generation of my family. Okay. And what I want you to do is you're holding, hold your baby four months old, you said?
Yeah. Okay. I want you to imagine her holding her for a month old and knowing nothing of what you're experiencing right now. That would be a blessing. It's not going to be a blessing. It's going to be a ton of hard work on your end. Yeah. Because you're going to have seasons of being lonely and you're going to have seasons of holding boundaries. Oh,
You've never done that before. I know. You've never done it before because people beat you up for your boundaries growing up. Oh, yeah. Okay. Just bulldozed right over us. That's right. To the point that it made you feel crazy for even having a boundary. Yeah. You're not crazy. You never were. You were just a small little girl and your dad was a big guy. Just because somebody crashes through your boundaries doesn't mean they're not right.
And so here's the exercise. Okay. Do you have a counselor that you meet with? No. Okay. You're going to need one. Yeah. And I'm going to tell you something. I don't want to pile up on you, but I'm just going to be honest with you and tell you the truth. And normally I would tell you this in like session three or four, if we were actually meeting in person for coaching, but just for the sake of the listeners, I'm going to tell you now. Okay.
Those GPS pins that are setting off in your, in your heart, in your mind, in your body, as you hold this little four month old girl and you pick up your husband from rehab, they are becoming part of your daughter's nervous system. Don't do that. No, which means you have to do the healing on your, and I'm telling you with an eight, you cannot do this by yourself. You got to get some people to walk with you.
Yeah. Okay. Vulnerability has gotten you crushed for your whole life and it's going to be the path to healing from this point forward. Vulnerability just means I'm going to find a group. I'm going to find a small group of women. I'm going to find a counselor. I'm going to begin to say out loud the things that I've been protecting other people from my whole life. Okay. Okay.
grief demands a witness, as Kessler says, I'm going to say these things out loud in the presence of other people. And what you're going to find is they don't run. In fact, they love you more. And that's not something you can know intellectually. Your body has to feel it. So here's your two homework assignment. Three homework assignments. Okay.
Homework assignment number one is I want you to go back and write that 16 year old girl a letter. Okay. Homework assignment number two, I want you to write that your little baby girl. Don't give me your name. I want her to have some anonymity. I want you to write her a letter that she's going to open when she's 16. About the work you started doing right now. Okay. Number three, I want you to go with a counselor, an AA group, a professional,
And I want you to make a list of what must be true in your home as your husband returns. Okay. He has exceeded your capacity to help him in this moment. Yeah. He has to go get professional help. Okay. That's tough. I know. Yeah. And I know it's out, out, landishly expensive.
And I know it is like when it comes to who's going to pay our bills, how are we going to make this work and I'm going to have to go get a job. I was staying at home and I know and I know and I know and there's not an easy path unless you're just independently a jillionaire, which you're not. But I don't want you going back to the hospital again to pick up his bag of things because that's what's left. I don't want you. I'll go back to the hospital again.
I want you picking them up from an inpatient stay in 30 days or 60 days and you all begin to build an entirely new marriage and entirely new life. That's going to include marriage counseling because you don't know how to do it. That's going to include sober living because it's been a struggle for both of you. It's going to include parenting classes. You can do that at a YMCA. You can do that at a local church. You can do that with a counselor, but you're just going to invest in yourself.
Hang on the line here, I'm gonna get you started today with my friends at BetterHelp. They're gonna take care of you, okay? So they're gonna get you somebody that you can start talking to a licensed therapist, ASAP, and you can do it with your phone or you can do it via your computer, your laptop. And I know it's hard with a four month old to find childcare and to do all that. We're gonna get you going in the next 24, 48 hours. So hang on the line, we're gonna get you a code that you can get started with BetterHelp with the therapist, okay? And they're gonna help you map out a plan.
What's my next move and what must be true for this man to return back to our home? And right now, what must be true is he's got to go get professional help inpatient out. He used so much he almost died that exceeds your capacity. What he needs from you now is a sturdy, planted, rooted partner so that he can repel off the side and go get the help he needs. And no, I'm not going anywhere.
And as you hold these boundaries, you gotta hold space for him, he might look at you and say, I'm not gonna do it. He's gonna opt to leave. And I want you to have a community, a group of friends, a couple of women in your life, or a counselor, or somebody to call. You can process that with you. I'm excited for what comes next for you, Alyssa. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organify. Good folks, health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination. It's not a place where you land. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the next month. Being well and healthy is something you work on every single.
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All right, let's go out to Chachila, California, and talk to Buford. Hey, Buford, what's up, man? Hello, thank you for taking my call. You got it, brother, what's up? I have a situation that recurs every year about this time of the year with my wife. And she said that it's thinking of depression. She knows it comes on
But she doesn't do anything to help herself. What can we do to help her before this comes? Oh, that's a great question.
We give, like for the listeners on the show, almost always now we change names and locations. Are you in a part of the West Coast or are you somewhere where, like yesterday in Tennessee, Tennessee is the most amazing place in the country, I think, but in the winter, it's pitch black at 4.45 or 5 o'clock. And so are you in a place in the country where it starts getting real dark all the time?
Well, of course, we're on the west coast and we're in the center valley of California. Okay. So tell me what seasonal depression and we're not using that clinically or using that colloquially. Like, what does that look like in your house? What does that look like? So what she works out at a gym four or five times a week. And then we, she comes through the cycle and we take a trip.
with the RV and we unpack the RV, we pack it all back in the house and get back to normal and go back to the grind and all that. And then all of a sudden she is tired. And this is the first year that she had this with the RV that she became depressed. The fartic, no energy doesn't want to do anything. Just laying around in the pajamas, you know,
as an evening to the build or anything like that. So that's a red flag worrying to me. Yeah. It's hard to see someone you love struggling, isn't it? Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Very much, very much. How old are you guys? Well, I'm 66 and she's 63. OK.
Has she gone and done any sort of hormone testing as a 63 year old? No, nothing. Nothing. And I referred to her to reach out to mental health experts. Her dad had depression, real bad. She has depression and her siblings might have depression. I don't know. So there is a
record. Sure. There's a significant heritability and some of those things. So I'm going to give you a couple of low hanging fruit things and then some bigger picture things to work through. OK. Low hanging fruit. I think at my house, I've got four, maybe five of the
I got on Amazon and I don't have any brand affiliation with anybody. I can even tell you the name of the brands that I use, but I got the seasonal, effective lights. 10,000 lux are greater. And I have, I have them in my, I have a garage gym. I got one in there. I got them where I write in the mornings and I've got them around the breakfast room, around like the kitchen.
And when I'm up and I always get up first in the house, me and my wife kind of go back and forth, but when I'm up, I turn on every one of them. Our house looks like the sun. Okay. And there is some pretty significant correlation to like your brain needs light to wake itself up. It's, it's circadian rhythm stuff. And you could go down Andrew Huberman talks to most eloquently publicly about it, but you can go on rabbit hole. Your body regulates itself through morning light and evening light. It just does.
And so when it's pitch black in the morning and it's pitch black in the late afternoon and it's just hard to get it. Those, I mean, I have those in my house. The second thing is I work out inside, I work out in a gym. I have to force myself when it's cold, when it's hot, when it's just when it's raining to do something outside, especially in the morning and especially in the afternoon.
And that means this morning, I was gonna be late to the office. I spent five minutes outside in the light and it's hazy out today here in Nashville, throwing the ball to my big old goofy dog. And I stepped in dog, cha-cha, and I tracked it all through the house, but I needed, I could just part, I needed to do, I needed to get outside and do that. And when I get home, I'm gonna do my best to do something outside. When you're someone that you love is struggling with this time, a little level depression,
That simple act can be really tough. And so my recommendation for you is something as simple as, I need to take a five minute walk and I don't like to go by myself or I really want you to come with me when you come. Sometimes people will do for others what they won't do for themselves. Sometimes they won't, right? And it can be easy to take it personally.
But often a person will go, okay. And they will him, huh? But over time, it's a good thing. Is your wife during this season, does she still go to the gym? She still exercise? Yes, she does, but who she has this depression, everything goes out the window. She just like bundles up and just becomes like a,
be something in a hole. That's it. Yep, yep, yep. Okay. So if you said, what do you do for a living? Drive truck. Oh, sweet. Okay. So if you said, listen, I want to focus, I've got about 40 years left for the good Lord comes and gets me. And I want those last 40 years, I want to be able to get up and down off the ground.
And I want to be able to roll around with my dog or my grandkids or get up in and out of a truck or whatever, as long as I can. I'm going to go meet with a doctor about my blood, my blood work, my testosterone stuff. Would you come with me and do it too? Because I want us to both have a baseline as we head into our fourth quarter. Would she do that with you in support of you? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Okay. Yeah, it does that quite a bit. I would love for her to get hormones tested.
I would love for her to get just a baseline because there may be something physiologic that happens. And if you go ahead. She does have a doctor that runs her hormones and her thyroid. So all that always comes back normal. OK.
But it's around October in Melbourne and starts the peak of up and go way down sharply. Does she have any experiences with loss in October or November? Well, her mother did pass away 20 years ago in December. In December. Hmm.
There's often a significant correlation there between some sort of loss that's gone unprocessed and time as your body begins to gear up for it. And that probably means over the last few years, the holiday season for the last 20 years has been tough on her, hadn't it? Right. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. So an interesting exercise, it may not be a light switch on or off, but an interesting exercise might be
Your wife and maybe even you, if you remember back to her mother. But I want you all to write her a letter on her 20th anniversary. Write her a letter this year for Christmas. And in that letter, I want you to tell her how much you miss her. I want you to tell her about all the things you've done and the person you've become. You all too have become in the last 20 years.
And most importantly, I want y'all to spend some time thinking about what her mom would have wanted y'all to do for the holiday season. October, November, December.
And sometimes when we lose somebody, even 20 years ago, our body just puts a GPS pin and it holds. And every year it starts to sound the alarms. Remember what happens at the holidays. Remember what happens. Don't get too happy. Don't get too happy because you remember what's coming in December. And we don't even know it. It's happening in the background. It's happening underneath the water. But slowly we stop going to the gym. Slowly we stop eating right. We watch a little more TV. We scroll a little more.
And it's this preparation. Think of it like a boxer about to hit you and it's just slowly bringing your hands up to protect your head. And then finally, you look up and it's January and you're just not moving anymore. Does any of this ring a bell? Yeah, it does. And she is well aware of it. Just talk about it, how she hates it.
inside. So, you know, the other day, we talked about her from broke down completely. And the next day, she felt a little better. So talking about it with her helps her. Yeah. So she doesn't tell me to tell it's too far gone. There you go. So she might she she might not want to bother you while you're out on the road.
And so a cool thing y'all you can do is say, while I'm gone, I want us to keep, um, sometimes people struggling with depression feel like their body's broken. And I like to look at it whenever possible. It's not always true, but I like to look at it starting from a place of actually your body's working pretty good as trying to protect you from something.
And so maybe the holiday season, and I'm making stuff up here, your trucking routes pick up. And you get busier with holiday stuff and deliveries and whatever. And you get on the road a little bit more and you want to make a little bit more holiday money. And her body's remembering that 20 year ago, landmark moment when mom left and passed away. All this stuff happens at the same time. And it's easy to begin to say, oh, I'm malfunctioning again.
Instead of, oh man, my body is circling the wagons to try to protect me again. It doesn't need to do that this year. And when you think of it like practice, hey, this year, here's what we're going to do. Wherever I happen to be, are you over the road or you come home at night? No, I am Monday through Friday. I come home one Friday. Okay. So you're out. So Monday through Friday, I'm going to commit to a 30 minute walk.
Even if I have to just make laps around the, the, the, whatever, the truck stop. Right, right, right. I'm gonna commit to 30 minutes when you commit to 30 minutes too. I'm gonna write you a love letter every day in my truck before I go to sleep. And I'm gonna send it to you when you commit to writing me a love letter. I'm gonna write one funny thing that I remember about us dating.
where you commit to writing one funny thing back. And here's what we're doing. We're just practicing to do different things. And then have her take a picture of all the SAD lights, the seasonal affective lights, on in the mornings. Have her just take a picture of it. Does she have a puppy or a dog? Yes, yes, she does. Good. Tell her that goofy dog has to go for a walk in the mornings or what. So what we're going to do is we're going to build in some activities that you're all going to do together, even though you're apart.
And that way, these things won't build and build and build and you're going to build a bridge towards regular communication back and forth. How'd your walk go this morning? Oh my gosh, I was on lap 35 or on the truck stop and this wackadoo came in. It's going to give you all some shared discussion things. And it's going to begin to, we're going to practice changing our actions. We're not just going to sit around and think we have a character defect that our bodies are somehow broken. We're weak or something like that. And then, man, I would love for you guys.
for you to commit to, um, I want to go talk to a marriage counselor one weekend. And I want to not cause we're anything's wrong with our marriage, but I want to know how I can best love you while I'm on the road. How much longer are you going to be on the road? Maybe two or three years. Okay. Um, would she love it if you quit and stay at home? Oh yeah. She'd be thrilled. Misses you. Is there a chance you could find a different route or did it cost you a lot in pension and other things?
It might cost me maybe three or $400 a week. Okay. And maybe if you all sat down and said, Hey, we're in the fourth quarter, like a little bit of a small little Saturday or Sunday marriage retreat while you're home. What do you want the fourth quarter of our life to look like? We're in our sixties. Whatever we want it to look like we can build that.
And maybe you find out, you know what, a thousand bucks a month, 300 bucks a week, that's worth it. I want fourth quarter to spend more time with you. And she begins to go, oh, that'd be so great. And I'm gonna be at home making coffee and breakfast and flipping on every light switch on the planet, especially during this dark season. And I'm gonna be there to go for a walk with you in the morning in the afternoon.
And maybe I'll run some local routes, especially during the holidays or whatever. And maybe she's got permission to say, man, I really miss you. And for whatever reason, when my body starts going into thinking about mom passing the holidays, sometimes when we have a love when it passes in the holidays, our bodies take on this posture that we don't have permission to celebrate the holidays because someone we love died one time. And if that's the case,
It's important to process that person's passing and in a weird way through letter seek their blessing on laughter and enjoyment. And I don't know anybody who when they after they pass away doesn't want their loved ones laughing their heads off as much as they can. Have it as much fun as they can. I don't want people being miserable when I'm gone. Kelly, I want Kelly to be miserable when I'm gone.
But other than that, I don't want people to have the greatest life ever, right? And so sometimes our bodies get stuck there. So I've given you a whole smorgasborg of ideas and things to think through. I do think starting with the doctors important. Let's get those hormones tested again and see if there's anything going on there. And let's begin to come up with a series of practices that we're going to do together, even when you're not at home.
that involve connection, that involve moving your body, that involve light, that involve putting on the screens a little bit, that involve your wife going to a local Bible study or volunteering at a library or going to read books to kids or getting a couple of friends that she meets for tea or coffee in the mornings, that she begins to have a community when things get dark.
And then if this is heritable, if this is a long family history, then maybe sitting down with a physician and talking about medication, talking about ways to bolster these dark seasons is in order. But the fact that she knows it's coming and that she experiences it and she wants to change so great. And the fact that she's got you by her side who love her and you want, I mean, you're struggling when you're out on the road and she's calling you and she's not doing great. That's a great recipe for two people who can work together.
And it's you having a little bit of compassion or a lot of compassion, and it's her choosing to push herself pretty hard, especially when her body wants to stay in bed, especially when it wants to stay in bed. It's a lot here, man, but she is lucky, lucky, lucky to have you as her husband. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life. It's going to be my gift to you guys for free. And the secret to the book is it's not only about anxiety.
It's about just building a life that our bodies can exist in. We can have peace. And I want y'all to work through that book in this new year on the weekends. Y'all can maybe take a chapter over breakfast on Saturdays or Sundays when you're home. And y'all can begin to build this life and say, okay, what would this look like in our last quarter of our life? What if we did these six daily choices together? What would change? Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you, man. We'll be right back.
This morning, I got up and it was cold and gray and so cold. And so far, this has been a weird, strange winter. It can seem like winter will never end. It just drags on and on and on. And whenever winter gets really cold and blah, if my sleep is messed up, everything gets messed up. I don't want to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. I eat more junk food. I watch more screens and doom scroll. I'm tempted to skit my exercises and on and on. And I'll tell you this.
My Helix mattress has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed this winter, even though it's cold and dark outside, and I'm getting great sleep and I'm able to hop up ready for action in the mornings. I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true. This winter has been incredible. Getting great sleep on my Helix mattress has had a positive domino effect on my whole life, and I'm able to do the things I need to do to be a great husband, a great father, and a good coworker.
My whole family sleeps on helix mattresses and helix has a mattress for everybody no matter how you sleep. If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, on your stomach, whatever helix has got you. Plus helix offers a 100 night trial and every helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty.
If you're ready to start sleeping like you've never slept before, do what I did. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, and under two minutes, they'll help you find the mattress that's perfect for you. And right now, my listeners get early access to the Helix mattress president's day sale. Get 20% off sight-wide, plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com. Right now, that's helix-h-e-l-i-x helixsleep.com.
with Helix a better sleep. It starts right now.
Anyway, so this is from Annalise, and she sent a great email that I thought was worth reading. I thought you would like it. A few years ago, my husband and I started listening to your shows. We did not know then how much God would use you in our lives. At the time, my mom was diagnosed with the cirrhosis of the liver and she died the following year. The year after we went through a major marriage crisis, almost costing us our marriage. Your advice has gotten me through some major depression, helped my husband and I learn to communicate effectively,
and changed for the better our relationship with those around us. I truly believe that your advice has saved my life. God has given you a gift, and I need to say thank you for all you do, and thank you to your amazing team for making it possible. On a side note, your wife and Kelly should be labeled saints. Matching halo tattoos, possibly? Did you say matching halo tattoo? Tattoos. Tattoo. Yes.
So a couple of things there. Number one, whenever Kelly reads nice letters like that, you can tell she always adds in and thank you for your team. Nobody writes that. Yes, they do right here. I haven't. She adds it. Nope. Hashtag low self-esteem. Number two, my wife. I wonder why when I'm built up so much by my teammates. Number two, you're right. You and my wife are saints.
You're, and you know what, you're not a saint. I am not a saint. I will clearly, I will say that, I am not a saint. My wife is, but you are worthy of, you'll be in the express lane to heaven.
There'll be some people that are like, whoa, whoa, are you sure? And the guy at the back will be like, at the podium, we'll be like, yes, I'm sure. Yeah. Sounds weird, but yeah, we're letting her in. Yeah. Like, yes, I know, I know, I know, but yes. And then they're just going to say she works with John Deloney. And they'll be like, ah. Correct. She's been 10 years with Dave Ramsey and then hopefully 10 more with Deloney. Whoa, fast pass, fast pass.
And me on the other hand, because I went through TSA with a knife the other day accidentally, after I totally lectured my son on a hunting trip, check your bag. No knives, no nothing. I walked straight through. So I'm banned from TSA for one calendar year. From like TSA pre-check? Yep. That sucks because you travel a lot. I travel a lot. Yeah, that's rough.
Gosh, hashtag just saying, what a, if you want to see a 14 year old with this, just pointing out, going, ah, that was my 14 year old. And I deserved every second of it. Does he have TSA pre check? He just gets to come with me. Oh, I think he should be able to get it and go through TSA pre check while you have to stand. Yeah. And I was going to stand there in that long, long line. Well, hey, who was that that wrote in?
And Elise. And Elise, you're a saint. Thank you for being amazing. And I'll tell everybody again. I'm just a guy that runs my mouth on a podcast. Y'all are the ones, the men and women who are at home doing the work and asking the hard conversations and changing your marriages and choosing to confront old traumas and choosing to forgive and move on. Y'all the ones doing this work. It's one of my life's greatest honors to walk alongside you guys.
all you brave men and women who are trying to make your lives and those who come after you's lives a little bit better. Thank you all for blessing me. I love you guys. See you soon. Bye.
Hey, what's up, folks? Big news that Dr. John Deloney's show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health relationships, emotional health, before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
All right, it's the new year and it's a perfect time to begin focusing on your most important relationship, your marriage. Every marriage needs intentional time and energy so that both of you can be aligned in co-creating the life that you both want.
That's why my friend Rachel Cruz and I have teamed up to offer our amazing money and marriage getaway retreat in Nashville, Tennessee, this time over Valentine's Day weekend. You and your spouse will head to Nashville for three days of laughter, hard conversations, maybe a few tears, intentional time together, and lots of practical teaching.
At Money and Marriage, we don't shy away from anything. We have sessions on sex and intimacy, communication, how to fight, money, building a new future together, and more. This is my favorite live event that I'm ever a part of, and I hope you'll grab one of the few remaining tickets. You are worth an extraordinary marriage.
prices start at $799 per couple. That's for the whole weekend. And like I said, there's only a few left and Valentine's Day will be here before you know it. Get your tickets at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway.
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