Melissa McCarthy & Ben Falcone ask about comedy bits

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Cheers! Hey, it's your friend Tignotaro!

And your friend May and your friend Fortune. And you're listening to the handsome podcast. Oh, yeah, baby. The band's back together. That's right. Looking as handsome as ever.

Yeah, looking very handsome, both of you in collars, collared shirts. You noticed, May. And you, May, in a hoodie, what's the special occasion? I can't see hoodie. I actually have a full, I'm wearing the jumpsuit that I wore in Army of the Dead.

No way. Yeah, it's the full. Well, yeah, let's see it. Oh, whoa. My loins are feeling things. You're cuter. Hey. Fortune Marie. Are you going to keep any wardrobe from Star Trek? You're going to keep your

I think about shows like that where it's like, oh, Fortune, go to YouTube right now. Go to YouTube. I'm fingering the... Star Trek. Star Trek. Fortune's trying really hard. To do live long and prosper that. Oh, I might as well look at it loosely. Wait, you can't do it, Fortune? No. I mean, look at her.

I barely can. When I go through doing press for the show and everybody's doing that, I'll be like, oh, you got it. I do, but it takes me a beat to get there.

Do you think people have not gotten hired on that show because they can't do this? Yeah, like is that part of your audition? Oh wait, look, oh my God, you guys look. Go to YouTube, go to YouTube. Seriously, go to YouTube. Oh my God, you got to get rubber bands. Yeah, just get some duct tape. Do you know what's funny speaking of duct tape is my character from the old series that I did, Star Trek Discovery.

That's not your character's name. Jet Reno. But I have a line where, cause I'm an engineer and somebody does something and I say, I could fix that with duct tape. And so my character kind of is known for, you know, saying that and trying to fix things with little, you know, like with my gum. Oh my God.

I think that's a really Canadian quality. Duct tape is very versatile. You can fix a canoe. You can make a wallet. That was the big thing in high school, making a wallet fully out of duct tape. I have to be honest, duct tape also has reached the states. Wait, in Canada, we love duct tape.

Wait, why did I think it was purely Canadian? It's not, eh? No. Have you seen all the kid numbers in the States? You're so right, actually. That is such a funny thing that you thought you invented duct tape. I know, it's like, guys, you gotta check this shit out. Our greatest export duct tape. What did you say about Star Trek? I felt like I was gonna say something about it. Oh, keeping your costume.

Oh, oh, right. Yes. No, I won't be keeping my costume. Good, I'm glad you're here. My spacesuit. Well, I was thinking when I was on set the other day about how there are those types of TV shows where your wardrobe is not something that you ask if you can take home or if anybody, the director's not like, hey, you know, on Little House on the Prairie, they weren't like, hey,

You can take that bonnet home, although I would love a bonnet home. You would love a bonnet home. Oh my God. Can I take this night down? Yes, and this candle. But I did. I love the jumpsuit from Army of the Dead. It really suits you.

Well thank you and if if you're not aware i did go viral for being sexy sex symbol i know i don't mean to compete with you here may but i listen some people found me sexy during that window of time i feel wildly unsexy at the moment oh really i feel so sexy right now.

I'm like ordering chicken nuggets at, you know, 3 a.m. I am not in a sexy place. Hello, hello, hello. Chicken nugs at 3 a.m. Are you feeling sexy, fortune?

Um, yeah. I agree. Um, no, I'm never feeling. I'm never feeling sexy. I'm always feeling silly, but I remember, I remember when Tig broke the internet. It was some we were in the pandemic, right? Oh, yeah. You'd think it would have launched us out of the pandemic. Yeah. So I thought the vaccine was coming on the heels of that. Yeah. Um, but yeah, we were all at home collectively at home.

while I was going viral. You were going viral on the old Twitter and Instagram. What was it like to someone call you up and say, Tig, you've gone viral? Well, Stephanie and I were, we were in the editing bay for our movie, Am I Okay? And my phone starts going off. And I didn't know or I forgot that the trailer came out.

Oh yeah. And whatever it was, if not remembering or didn't know, everybody was like, oh my God, you're going viral for being sexy for being sexy AF. I think I told this story and then I turned to Stephanie and I was like, I don't understand. People are texting me that I'm viral for being sexy as AF.

is what I said to Stephanie. Did you know what AF was? No, no. I had never heard of it in my life. And that's why I said to Stephanie, people are telling me I've gone viral for being sexy as AF. And she said, oh my god. Do that it's not as AF. It's sexy AF. And she said, it's like saying you're sexy at

Wait, what is it? What is sexy as a fuck? Yeah, something like that. I don't know. But I went viral in 2012 for being sickly and then whatever, 2022. So you've done sickly, sexy. What's next? Silly?

I don't know. I'd love to go viral for silly. Oh my God. I love silliness. I'll be honest. Yeah. Start like go to some major event and throw banana peel on it. Wait, let me write this down. That's a good idea. Hold on. Go to the Olympics. Throw banana peel. Go to the Olympics. Slip on a banana peel and go boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, boi, bo

No, I do. I've been talking about this in my stand-up, but I like littering in front of people, but I'm not really littering. I like throwing trash down on the ground to dar-dle people. Now that I have kids,

They want me to litter. So we were on a hike. We were in the mountains on a hike and they called me mayor and they were like, mayor, here comes some people, litter. And so we're like in this pristine, just beautiful area and I take my to go coffee cup that I'm carrying. And I'm like, oh my God, guys, it is so beautiful out here. And then I just tossed my coffee cup on the ground.

Oh my god. People want to kill me. And then I act like it's because they shoot me this look that I pick up my trash. And then my favorite thing was when you're in the mountains,

People are so healthy and active and even elderly people are just out there trekking around. And so this is my absolute favorite. So my kids are like, mayor, here comes somebody. And it's this woman has to be in her 70s, just fit as a fiddle. And I do the same thing. I look around. And I mean, we're like, it's not like Runyon Canyon in Los Angeles. It's like

packed full of people hiking around dog poop. It's like pristine beauty every now and then someone passes you. Okay. So I take my coffee cup and I go, guys, look at that mountain and I just throw it and the woman in her seven issues.

That's funny. And I said, oh, my God. Yes, it is. I'm joking. And I was like, I get it. I get it. Yeah. Ghost of Christmas future.

I mean, that's incredible old bat. Love her. You're going to go viral for littering for sure. So that's what I was thinking, Mae. Yeah. We're going to open up an app and it's going to be like communion, ting to tarot. Litters. Litters. Well, and I littered one. I was with Kristin Shaw, you know, the comedian and this and Shaw.

We went to a Teigen and Sarah concert, and there were 10 billion lesbians in line to get in. And I littered right there in front of them. Just to see them lose their minds. And they all got whiplash, just caramel swinging their heads around like.

The collective gaps. Yes. We almost lost 10 billion lesbians out there. And I was on a flight and I sat next to Tegan and Sarah. It was one of the gayest moments that have ever happened. This has ever happened. Gay flight. And I told them that I had been talking about them on stage and it was about this littering thing, how I littered at their concert.

and keep in my, I don't leave litter on the ground. I do it. It says a bit. It says a bit. Yeah, it's a tidbit. I like to, I like to shock, startle. Yeah, shock and all. Ruffle feathers. Ruffle, like in a fun way. Okay. I'm having fun and so did that woman. But yeah, so I'm telling them, and it was so funny, Sarah Quinn of Tegan and Sarah, she is

So she was so uncomfortable and she was telling me how she loves when people do uncomfortable things, but she cannot. Like when she thinks about doing anything like that, it just, ooh. Yeah. And I was like, I'm here for you. I will do this. This is my job in the universe. You're going to sit in that uncomfortability and draw it out. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. So I do love to litter.

My favorite thing that maybe you could, you'd enjoy this one is, is like, if you're sitting near a window or actually you don't have to be by window, but ask someone for a piece of gum and then they, they go all through their bag and they're rifling through and they dig out the gum and take some ages and as soon as you get it, you just throw it away. Like throw it out the window or just, it's really good.

I'm happy to do that. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. I never got to do. You're doing the people over there. You know, because there's not video stores anymore, right? You can't really rent videos. I always wanted to rent a bunch of videos.

and then immediately return them in front of the people. Just because there was a video store near my house that had the drop box right at the end of the counter. And so I wanted to rent like five movies and then just drop them in the return thing and then just walk out the door.

I love that. One more thing I have to tell you. This I want to do so desperately. But it is a form of littering that is delayed. It is delayed littering. Okay. And that is when you set a balloon free. Yeah.

That's just litter like one town over. It's going to go in an ocean somewhere here. But here is my big dream. I want to go to Disneyland with my family. Those people that are holding those balloons that have Mickey Mouse in the balloons. Those $50 balloons? Yes. I want to buy the whole bundle.

I want to be like, how much for all of them? The entire bundle of- They're like $10,000. Yeah, buy the bundle and then just stare them in the face and let them go. Just let them go right now. I want to do it. What about you, you prankster? I want to do it. We're not bringing a pair of scissors to Disney and just walking down the main strip, just snipping everybody's balloons drinks. I don't think I do. What's happening with you two today?

I don't think we could get through security. Isn't there security at Disneyland? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. That'd be like, I'm going to bring a butcher's knife. Look who's joined us. Hi, Peggy. Oh, precious animal. Oh, my God. I gave Biggie a kiss from my office in Los Angeles. You did? I did. I just went home. There is a close.

Oh my god, look at him. Biggie. Go to our YouTube channel right now and see Biggie's dead eyes. That is the epitome. That is what Biggie has dead eyes. They light up when he sees a carrot. Barely. Or food. His toy carrot or food and the eyes come alive.

That's the charm. I love- It's a simple life. Yeah. It's just dead eyes. If you guys came to my home, he is a lot more animated. I don't need it. Well, not in this moment on my desk, but like downstairs. He's in your home right now. I know, but like playing and you'll see the- I would love to see him playing with dead eyes. No, Jake, his eyes are full of life.

That's his charm. Well, because he's like, what are you doing to me right now? Why are you putting me up in the zoom? He knows what a zoom is, and he has no interest in it. My cat knows what Sunshine is. Every morning, when I come down, Fluff will me out at me. And I say, Fluff, where's your Sunshine? Where's your Sunshine? And she goes over and she lays down

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in a little sun patch in the kitchen and I pet her. It's so cute. Oh, that is cute. Have you seen those things where it's like a pad with words and the dog can step on the words to communicate and it's like, no, me outside, or it's like, I want, totally. And the dog kit is basically making sentences. This is a natural. The dog is standing on a woman's pad.

What? For it should. Like a tampon pad? Yeah, the dog is standing on a tampon. Pads are not tampon. You sound like a man for a tampon. No, I know what a tampon is, but I'm saying like the adjacent version of the tampon, the pad. You mean like a tampon pad or those pads, those giant pads with the wings? Yeah. Yeah, my chick wears those. Can I reveal a secret?

Biggie's very familiar with pads because he has one in his diaper. What? Wait a second. Why does he have a diaper? Yeah. You're making me reveal all of Biggie's secrets. I don't think anyone made you. No. You really wedged it in there. Twist my arm. I'll tell you. Okay. Biggie has what's called a belly band.

And it's a diaper that goes around this back section here of a male dog. And it's a diaper. And so, cause you know, male dogs like to mark everywhere. And so if we don't want biggie to mark, if we take him somewhere and we don't want him to mark, we put a belly band on him. It's essentially a diaper, but we put a woman's pad in there. The indignity. You don't even have to say woman's pad.

That was like when a guy will say, I am a male nurse. It's like, okay. But wait, we'll still get a pad in there. And so we go to the dollar store to get him his pads. Is the diaper not enough? Like he needs a diaper and a woman's pad. The diaper is enough. She wants to humiliate him more. Yeah. The diapers are enough, but you just have to wash them a lot more frequently.

But I have been in an airport holding his belly man with a woman's pad or pad. I'm just flowing in the wind. With the help of a male nurse. It looks like I'm just holding a pad in the airport. Oh my God. We were like, you psycho. Yeah. He is well-potting trains. There doesn't need it often. It's more in just new places where Jack puts it. I'm bored.

You stop! So yeah, anyway, pads. Women's. Speaking of pads, it makes me think of the word mad, which makes me think of the word mad lib. Oh, don't take that transition, right? Oh, good. The response to our mad lib was electric. It was electric. People were saying, Mae, you knew what the people wanted. I'm so pleased that people

We'll have to do it at a live show sometime. I didn't know how much I would be delighted. I was like Giddy from it. I got high from it. Yeah. People didn't like me. Well, they didn't like that. We didn't give you a chance to do one, but I got a lot of joy out of giving it to you guys. I'm a very generous lover.

Yeah, we can say that May has given it to us. Yeah, you gave it to us so good. I'm a giver and you're such a giver. Well, Thanksgiving is upon us. My favorite holiday. Is it really? Is it your favorite holiday? Yes, stunned faces. I love it too. I love it so much. I love food and friends and family bringing their little weird dishes and

little weird dishes. I'd come by and be like, I brought one shrimp. I forgot, Mae, do you go to visit your American friends' Thanksgiving? I've never, I mean, I did a Canadian Thanksgiving type of thing here. This year, I'm not sure. What is it again?

November 29th or so last Thursday. Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to get off work because I'm working in Canada. They don't celebrate it, so I might be working on my favorite holiday.

Yeah, I think it might be my favorite holiday too because it's just all the food and you're giving thanks to what you're grateful for. Yeah, when we took Max and Finn to Austin one year, we spent Thanksgiving. We have my stepfather side of the family, all boys.

I think it was like 15 boys had been born, not one girl, until my brother just had a girl a year ago. So we were all there and giving thanks for whatever going around the table, and Max and Finn were three at the time, and when we got to them, I think one of them said, monster trucks.

That's what they're grateful for. Yeah, thankful for monster trucks. I love that. I'm so thankful for my health and what I got through last year and we will miss this person and that person and the monster trucks.

I went to an ex's Thanksgiving once with her whole family. I hadn't met her family yet. We're all sitting around and the great grandmother goes, for these and all his mercies, God's holy name be praised. Amen. We all say it. Then it goes to a, and then this two-year-old angel sweet child is just like babbling away and then starts going around the table and going, she's been kind of eyeing me up and then she's going, well, Lindsay's a girl. Mommy's a girl. Daddy's a boy and I'm like, here we go.

All these grandparents, great grandparents, and everyone's silent, and then gets to me, and he's like, grandma's a girl, and then points at me and goes, what's me? It was good. What did you answer? I was like, well, it's a spectrum. So everyone at the table had that accent.

Yeah. I was like, wait a hour for this and all this mercy. Are you good at? Stephanie's really good at saying prayers. Oh, really? I kind of clam up. I get everyone expects like, do you find this? Like it expects you to be good at toasts and things because you do comedy.

She doesn't do it in a real way. She can do it like she's a pastor who just breaks into prayer out of nowhere. Who are in heaven? Well, not alone be thy name. No, like she can rip. Like whoa, like free form. I will be done. Yeah, like thanks for the spirit of the Lord. Point down upon us.

Yeah, it's like when you do a show with her again, a live show, ask her to do a free-form prayer. We will die laughing. I will. It is she do this. The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord lives his head. His shine upon you. Thankfully not.

I feel like if you had been in your prime in the 1930s or 40s, you would have had an unironic career as a chamber singer. I would have been the spinster that sings at church. No, you would have been married and spent your whole life thinking, something feels off. I feel different.

but I sing to the Lord. Keep going, keep going. And all is good. That's it. Where are we going to do a mad lib? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. Who's ready? This is a mad lib cold. Oh my, Thanksgiving pie. And this is just for May. May and you. Perfect.

I'll let you know whose turn it is. All right, you ready? I'm already like giggling. We've been ready. Are you ready for the Lord? Okay, I'm still preparing. One of the best parts of Thanksgiving is- Wait, fortune, fortune. So you just asked for a noun. Like you don't know something- Oh, Jesus! Oh my God!

You have to keep that in time. Please keep that in. I love that you just started. I didn't know. Well, now you're not. And I'm like, why do I need to know this when I know about the Lord? It's hard to read. Okay. May, give me a noun. Oh, brisket. All right. Tig, give me another noun.

Secretary of State. God, that took forever. But it was worth it. May give me another noun. Bot plug. Whoa. Classic. Give me an adjective. Fluffy. OK. May another noun. Water wings.

Okay, wow, this is gonna be a real treat. Tig, give me a family member. Any family member. Godfather. Good one. Can I replace water wings? No. Okay. No. God. The Adlib police. Madlib police. Well, give me an adjective. Slippery. Tig, give me a plural noun.

A plural noun. How about, um... I'm bored. The chin. That's my joke. A plural noun. Jelly beans? Sure, bud. Another noun may. Mystery. Take give us an, an adjective. Why don't I ever get nouns? Dude. All you got was nouns in the beginning. Sneaky.

Yeah, that's good. All right. May give us another family member. Uncle. Actually, I'll say ankle. Isn't that like the non-binary version of uncle and ankle? No, I think that's a part of your foot. Right. I'm going to go with ankle though. It's an ankle? Uncle? Yeah, it's like a non-binary and uncle. I've made it up, but I think that's what it is. Okay.

What's that say, a number? Can you read that Thomas? Oh my God. I thought you guys got this. This is a nightmare. How dare you? This is a nightmare. If I could show you this picture of this mad lib, it's so blurry. Do you know people have paid good money to listen to this free podcast? Give us a verb.

Um, what is a verb again? Like an action word. Yeah. Remember I'm the one without an education. I have a seventh grade education. We're all like, wait, what's an adjective?

Verb, um... Hop? Is that a verb? Yeah, hop. Get off my ass. Get off my ass. Eat my ass. Nel me. Another noun. Yeah. Gouda. Gouda, okay. Take a number. 88, my favorite one. Man adjective. An adjective? Yeah. Winey. Take a family member. Godmother.

Am I another noun? Jockstrap. Take a plural noun. Singers. And lastly, May, a noun. Ooh. Uh, who? You said it. All right. Now what? Now what happens? Now we read it and we...

Now this story, this is a mad lib. Is it true? Is it a true story? It's a based on a true story. Some of the names of our people have been changed to protect their identities. But this is called, oh my, Thanksgiving pie, hold on to your ponties. I'm so excited. You ready? Yeah. Yeah, we're ready.

One of the best parts of Thanksgiving is having pie for dessert. My favorites are brisket and secretary of state pie. Though I know lots of people like butt plug pie and even fluffy water wings pie.

My godfather makes their own pie crust using slippery jelly beans and mystery. It tastes so sneaky. It pops pies in the gouda for 88 minutes and it comes out smelling whiny. I like to have godmother's jockstrap pie with vanilla singers on top.

Fresh whipped poo. And I'm sorry it's Godmother's what pie? Because I'm going to make- Godmother's jockstrap pie. I'm making that a yearly tradition with my family. Oh my God. You have to pop a pie in Gouda for 88 minutes.

To make it. That one was all recipes. That was really mad lib. What a mad lib. If you're ever worried about the safety of your home and family, there's no better time to act. Right now, you can get 60% off a new, simply safe security system, their best deal of the year, simply safe.

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What a mad lib. I'm so glad you got to participate. To be honest, I realized I like being in control more. We have discovered something. Well, the next time we do a mad lib, you're in charge, boss. I'm a mad lib. I'm a handsome listener. Dom, you're welcome. Mason and Dom. We're going to be top from the bottom.

I'm not playing next time. Yeah, next time take a look at a coffee. All right. Well, that was great. The only thing left to do is go to our today's questionnaire. We teed that up perfectly. Today's questioners are a married couple who have brought you films like Thunder Force, Life of the Party, and Tammy,

One of them is Oscar nominated for her roles in Bridesmaids, and can you ever forgive me? They have a new podcast called Hildy the Barbec and the Lake of Fire, in which Melissa stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of Golgrath.

That sounds right up my street. I love that. Yeah, Hildy from Golgorath. I'm in Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone are asking today's questions. Nice. Oh, man. Melissa, I love Ben and Melissa. I've known Ben and Melissa both for many, many years from the Groundlings. Oh, really?

Yeah, they were both in main company and as I was coming up, I would watch them both in these shows at the theater and then Melissa started doing Gilmore Girls and I was really busy, but Ben was started directing a bunch of shows and everyone that had him as a director just love, love, love, been so obsessed.

Was he a teacher too? He was a teacher too and Melissa would come back and I remember she had a bunch of wigs and like, oh my God, stage glasses and jewelry. She was like, if anybody needs any of this, you know, and I was like, oh my God, because that stuff was so expensive. And so we were like, yes, this is awesome. And she would come watch shows and both are just so lovely, but so funny. Her role in bridesmaids.

I forgot that she got nominated for an Oscar for that, as she should. I just saw a clip of it where she meets Kristen Wiig for the first time, and she goes, hey, how are you? And she goes, well, I'm on the mend. And it's just like, you know people like that. I took a hard, violent fall off a cruise ship. So good. So good. I met her once. I was having dinner with Lisa Kudrow, and they know each other, and they bumped into each other. And I was vibrating at the table.

Yeah, but she was so nice and funny and warm. Oh my God. She's the best. She is speechlessly funny. Like good people always just trying to make people laugh and do good things and haven't succeeded yet. But yeah, good luck to them. Still trying. Wish them the best. Hello, handsome.

This is Melissa McCarthy. This is Ben Falco. We're so excited about our podcast. He will be the barbecque and the lake of fire. We're shamelessly finding it. We're so excited about it. So excited. Well, yeah. But we also have a question. What is the trickiest bit joke story, something that you had to like work and rework, but you knew, you knew it was there. You knew there was something to it. But you had to like battle it to the ground. That's just our neighbor who's building your house. Don't worry about it. Yeah, that's fine. That is so funny.

A comedic bit that you had to work until you knew, you were like the conviction that it was funny, it was so profound and it just was not working. That's a great question. Wait, so, oh, I'm sorry, I missed that. And it, and does it not ever work or does it finally work out? I think it finally works, right? Okay. Okay. Could do. Yeah.

I feel like for myself, I've had so many of those. I don't even know where to begin. Just that out on a ledge feeling where you're like, this is a real leap here.

this concept of thinking it was really funny. You know, you of course see babies taking baths, but I thought it would be so funny to see an infant taking a shower.

I just, I talk us through it. Well, that's really it. There was like nothing funnier to me than opening a shower curtain and seeing a wobbly baby that doesn't even know, like can barely stand is in a shower.

taking like a lot of it, but just being like, like, no, like really unstable wobbly, you know, because they, they can't really, uh, they can't really stand or walk very well, but yet they're standing there taking a shower. To me, that concept was really funny. And I see it's really tickling both of you.

No, has it worked yet? Oh, it's long, long pass. It was on my first album called The Good One. And they go to an album. Yeah, yeah. Because I do an act out. I do an act out. And the crowd went wild. Well, I mean, I do it.

It wasn't a tape special. It was years ago where it was just an audio album. But yeah, I really believed in this bit. And then I act out the awkward, unstable infant actually showering. Well, that part's probably funny. Well, it's a shame it's on an audio.

I'm like seeing you wobble as an infant. I wish I could see it in your mind, see the infant in the shower in your mind, because I bet it's like the specific shower and the specific wobble. Well, and also just seeing the little fat baby thighs and legs and the creases of fat on an infant, it's just so cute.

picture that little unstable chubby body in the bed, I say, with stupid little two-inch feet. So you have barely anything to stand on to support that body.

It's still a little two inch feet, I like, as a phrase a lot. I like the idea of seeing infants in congruous situations, like a baby in a suit working in an office, that's good to me. Well, yeah, and that's what begins today, as the infant takes a shower. Right, right, right, okay. Anyway, it took me a while to get that, but that's the fun of it all. As a comedian, you're trying

You have your ideas and your concepts, your jokes, your thoughts and feelings. And then you have to, when they're a little weird like that, you gotta get the masses on board. You have to get that to translate. And that's like such a fun leap. I can think of two small things. One was when we were making feel good. It was in my head, it was really funny that

My roommate was, he's from LA, but he always says he's from Hollywood. And then my British girlfriend gets really shy every time she says the word Hollywood. Like she thinks she's not allowed to say it even. And so no one liked it. The crew didn't like it. The director didn't get why it was funny. The actors were like, where's the joke here? And the line was just her going, well, you'd understand, Phil, because you're from, and then him going, you can say it, Hollywood.

No one thought it was funny when I was like, that's funny, a British person being shy to say Hollywood. I don't know. Well, it must be very directed to some sort of feeling or thought that you have around Hollywood. Yeah. Which is what? Maybe it's like embarrassing to say, like you would never say like, I live in Tinseltown. Like, yeah, say I live in Los Angeles, you know, I say the biz. The biz, okay. Someone asked me at the Bloomingdale's the other day, we're at what I did for living.

I work in the Biz. Oh my God. And they were like, what Biz? Biz, no saying. Not one follow up question. Really, I'm dealing with a crazy person. My friend, when I moved to LA with some childhood friends and maybe two days after we got to LA, my friend Leslie,

Goes to order a pizza for us. And she's on the phone with the person taking the order. This is how long ago it was that we moved that you actually call and talk to a person to order a pizza. And don't you do it all online now? And ask some Thai places.

So Leslie calls to order us a pizza. And then the woman asks what Leslie's address is and what part of town she's in. That's what it was. And Leslie goes, and she earnestly felt this way. Like, oh, she goes Hollywood. Because we had only lived in town like three days. And to her, it was just like, whoa, we live here.

The other one is this stand-up bit. I was doing pretty recently, like a couple years ago, about bees communicating through the power of dance and things. I was doing this bit in England and it was like,

I was like, this is a really well-structured joke, and it was always bombing. There would be sort of chuckles, and I was like, what's going on? And then finally, someone shouted out, that's an Eddie Isard bit. And I was like, what? And then it was a bit that I have seen from one of his specials that I loved when I was about 13, 14. And my brain just, it was almost verbatim.

Wow. It was really scary because I was like, fuck, I could, like, yeah, I fully stole it without knowing. And I was like, oh my God, this just came to me so fully formed. This is like how... That's wild. It was so embarrassing. I was like, thank you for saying something. Finally, like, what must people think? She is so famous in... What is the bit? Okay. I'm looking for new material. I don't know this bit.

Yeah, but I need a closer for my new hour. You got to try the B-bit. Try Eddie's B-bit. It's just that bees communicate through dance, and I can't remember what, oh yeah, and then how depressing it would be if they have to communicate something sad, and they're like, oh, Stephen died or whatever, but they're, I don't know. Because they do communicate through dance, did you know that? I did not know that. Well, I'd heard it through Eddie, but yeah.

How embarrassing, though. How do you got wind that I was just verbatim doing this bit? Doing this bit. Oh, God. Isn't that terrifying when you don't know if we don't know if we steal something? I mean, that is so much stuff is coming in and out of people's ears and eyes these days that you are like, is this a unique thought, or did I hear this?

But that's why it's always helpful when you use personal stories. I learned my lesson because that's one of the only observational bits I've ever done. And I was like, oh, wow. It's also from one of my favorite comedians, from one of my favorite specials. Is my brain just corroded and Swiss cheese? I'm pretty sure.

I would be a little suspicious if you told me somebody was out there doing like a 15 minute long Taylor Dain bit. Completely. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Something to tell you. What is it? Is it something about bees? No, I've been doing a 15 minute Taylor Dain bit and it's crushing.

I guess I have two ones. One was a stand-up thing, and one was a ground-length thing. And the stand-up one was, now it's a bit that people often shout for me to do, but it took me a long time to figure out how to make it funny. But it started by me doing a, I was doing a show in my home, Charlotte, which is 30 minutes from my hometown. And someone in the audience was just like, remember when you were on the swim team?

And I was like, I do remember that. And I was like, yeah, I was on the swim team and I wasn't very good. And they were like, yeah, you weren't very good. And I was like, okay, calm down. And it made me remember that when I joined the swim team, I didn't know how to do the butterfly. So I would run across the pool and do the motions of the butterfly with my hands.

But your feet were walking. My feet were walking. And so they liked the visual. They thought that was funny, but then I didn't know. I go, that's it. I don't know, you know, what else to tell you about that. And I kept me like, there's something to that. Like that is funny, a funny visual. A kid can't swim. So they're running across the pool, trying to do the, the butterfly with their hands, but I could not for like,

two years figure out how to turn it into a story. And I just, I was like, I'm not giving up on this story. And I just kind of kept adding like a sentence at a time of just like, I'm going to keep telling this like boring story until I can build, build it better. And then now, and then it at the end of that

like two and a half year tour. It is one of my best bits. I love that. You did it. I did it. You never know. We did it. We did it. And then the growling's one was, I would always start with a wig that I thought was funny.

And I was like, oh, this is short gray haired wig is kind of like, I'm in a lemur idea of this. And I sparkle jacket. And I was like, I'm going to base a character just around this like, this outfit. And so I came up with a lounge singer.

the lord and i was like i don't know if this is like could not i just like i know this is a funny look and a funny costume but i don't know what she does other than she's a lounge singer um so i finally uh i would kind of do it and there was like not much to it because just seeing a woman like that singing is kind of like well okay but what

What about that is funny besides she just looks funny. So then I start, then I came up with a thing where she has a signature cocktail. And I would say, hello, my name's Tita Martin. I have a sunrise sunset signature cocktail named after me, Tita Martin. And then I would play piano.

And then so the letter became over time that she would sing and then stop herself to say, I noticed nobody ordered my teeter mutton, some restaurants that's in the cocktail. That's okay. We've got time and I would just keep coming back to this cocktail and I go and I would say, well, maybe you need to know what's in it. And I'd be like, Jim,

vodka, tequila, Sprite, cranberry juice, pomegranate seeds, and a whole banana.

It just became this stupid bit, but it ended up being funny, but by a lot of trial and error, I would like to see it when it was just singing. Just singing the songs. I would just like, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. That was it. You know what I would have done with her? What? Since she was a lounge singer, I would have made her always lounging around.

Just like when she, you know, she's singing as a lounge singer, but then when she's off stage, man, she is just lounging in the chairs, in the booths backstage lounging. You can't stop this woman from lounging around.

I have a character that nobody likes as well. Let's hear it. It's basically a stand-up comedian who after every punchline, their catchphrase, I guess, is they yawn as if they're bored. That's why they call it a fair play.

I don't know. After every punch line, they go, I like it. Thanks. Yeah. I remember the first time I was doing TV, doing stand up on TV. I was backstage getting ready to be called out and I just started yawning. I got so tired and the producer was like,

Are you really this tired? I don't know what's happening, but people told me later that that can happen with nerves. You just kind of shut down. I used to yawn in doctor's offices a lot because I'd be nervous. But then would you ever have an observation that you think is universal and then it bombs? All the time.

Do you think the only food that gets stuck in your nasal cavity is carrot? When you're chewing a carrot and a little piece of carrot just flies up into your nasal cavity? That doesn't happen with any other food. I've never had that happen. I have it either. Are you serious?

No, Thomas, if not three against one. I kind of know what you're saying. Yes, I don't think he does. He's trying to make you feel better. It's a duct tape thing. But yeah, you don't, you've never had that thing where you're like, I think a bit of carrot stuck in my nose. I can't say no enough times.

Yeah, I'm going to go with my original answer. No, I never happened. I do love to hear it if you agree. Yeah, me too, except I don't like the risk that I'm going to get it. I know. No other food does that to me. Interesting. Anyways, well, that's the end of this episode. Let's hear Melissa and Ben's answer. Oh, right. Right. I love their outfits, by the way.

You don't have to go on YouTube to see these. I know mine was in the boss. There was one really long joke that my brain was ahead of my mouth. And I kept saying, I know what I can't, but I couldn't say it. And I kept stuttering, stammering. It took like eight or nine times. But it's all about these badges and women being underappreciated and all this crazy stuff. And finally, it worked out that I just remember doing that. Finally, the elixir of profanity was just perfect.

She's added of added profanities that what she said Their neighbors construction was Yeah, that house getting in the way of their of their punchline It's hard to imagine I think that you know when somebody is just so

outrageously funny as Melissa McCarthy. It is hard to be like, you struggled with anything? Yeah. Anything? Like anything. It seems impossible. It's funny just runs through her bones. It's so crazy.

And was she saying it was a long phrase about women being underappreciated? Yeah, I'm into it. I love it. Mm-hmm. Do you ever bomb with your kids, Tig, where you really? All the time. That's the only thing I do is bomb with them. Oh, that's so good. When you really go out on a limb with something bold,

Oh my God, that's my entire relationship with them. They look at me like I am the most annoying loser who shares a house with them. And I push like every part of my personality as a comedian disappears when I'm around them.

Really? Oh my god, I push so hard. I'm so desperate. I will win them over. Oh my god. I'm like, I try so hard. None of that dry. It's all like, hello, my darling. Yeah. Hello, my darling. I love you. Jesus. I do treasure chest of props.

I'm just disturbing them. Oh my god, that's so funny. Yeah, it's really wild where I have to remind my professional comedians. Yeah, but I do. I have to remind myself to just

Take a deep breath, chill out, just act normal. If you build it, they will come. Yeah, it's so interesting to see that side of me come out because it doesn't come out with anybody else aside from them. I want them to think I'm the funniest person and I don't trust myself. I don't trust that they will know that just by me being myself.

But yet, I trust it as I tour the world with strangers. That's amazing. What a podcast. Yeah, what a podcast. I would like to say, mark your calendars, December 3rd. Okay. My Netflix special, Crushing It is premiering, and I'm super pumped. I'm in a pink suit.

Yes, I was going to say, you teased that you were really happy with your outfit for it. And I didn't know what it was. And I sort of in my mind thought suit some kind of, it's electric. It's beautiful, uplifting pink. It's so beautiful. I'm so proud of this one. It's my third Netflix special. I just want people to watch it and enjoy it. So I'll remind you on that week of, but yeah.

Well, Mark your calendar. I'm sure people are going to watch it and enjoy it. And I cannot wait to see you look and handsome. Thank you. Yeah. I'm still out in Toronto filming Star Trek and will be through February. So check my website. I am doing two to three shows a week at Comedy Bar working on new material. I mean, I basically live there.

Check that out. And then I have, you know, sporadic dates here and there. You could come see me at Largo on December 4th and Stephanie Allen will be doing improv and I'm going to try and get her to do a free form prayer. You have to. I really can imagine it. I really want to. That is funny.

And I've got great surprise gas. It's going to be super fun. And yeah, I'll be riding high off watching Fortune special. Yeah, probably doing some of your jokes verbatim, please. I have a whole new tour starting. I think it goes up on sale this week. So check out my Instagram for all those dates.

subscribe to the podcast and subscribe to our YouTube channel. That way you're not going to miss any biggie appearances. You're not going to miss anybody going sexy, viral AF or whatever. But yeah, thanks for listening. And until next time, I mean,

Keep it handsome!

What a podcast. What a podcast. That was a hit them podcast. Handsoms, the audio version of my comedy special Hello again is available everywhere just in time for the holidays. Go to ticknotaro.com to get a copy for you and a loved one now. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking all state first.

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