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    Making Friends as an Adult Is Hard

    enSeptember 25, 2023

    Podcast Summary

    • Struggling with friendships? You're not aloneRemember, everyone goes through challenges in friendships, and it's okay to ask for help. Avoid sabotaging relationships by putting people on trial and creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

      No matter what challenges we face in life, whether it's dealing with past traumas or struggling to maintain friendships, we're not alone. The Doctor. John DeLoney Show is a safe space where real people can share their stories and work through their issues together. Jean, a caller from Buffalo, Minnesota, shared her frustration over her inability to keep friendships. She feels that whenever she gets close to someone, they suddenly disappear. After discussing the issue, it was suggested that Jean might be unconsciously sabotaging her friendships by putting people on trial and creating self-fulfilling prophecies. It's important to remember that everyone goes through ups and downs, and it's okay to ask for help when we need it. So, if you're struggling with maintaining friendships or any other issue, don't hesitate to reach out for support. And, if you enjoy the show, please consider leaving a review or sharing it with others. Together, we can make a difference.

    • Challenging limiting beliefs for stronger relationshipsTo build meaningful friendships, challenge self-sabotaging beliefs, engage with people, and work through past traumas for long-term benefits.

      Our beliefs about ourselves and our relationships can be shaped by past experiences and can lead us to self-sabotage. These beliefs can make us feel that other people don't want to be around us or that we're not worthy of their time. This can result in our bodies signaling that other people aren't safe, leading us to isolate ourselves. To build meaningful friendships, we need to challenge these beliefs and decide that we are worth getting hurt for. We should actively lean in and engage with people instead of pulling away when we feel the urge to isolate. By pushing through and building connections, we can create fulfilling relationships and improve our overall well-being. This may involve confronting past traumas and working through them, but the effort is worth it for the long-term benefits.

    • Understanding Communication and Self-Care During DepressionPrioritize self-care, recognize when to rest, don't jump to negative conclusions, seek help, remember loved ones care, invest in mental health resources, and believe in personal worth.

      It's important to prioritize self-care and recognize when it's time to rest, while also being mindful not to jump to negative conclusions when communication becomes slow. Another key takeaway is that seeking help during mental health struggles is crucial, and it's important to remember that even though it may be difficult or uncomfortable, the people who care about us want what's best for us, even if it means making tough decisions. Lastly, overcoming depression requires personal determination and professional help. It's essential to believe in one's worth and invest in mental health resources to feel better.

    • Examining Our Feelings in RealityChallenging our feelings with objective reality can help us avoid assumptions and improve overall well-being. Inner happiness comes from within, not from external sources.

      Our feelings are not always an accurate reflection of reality. It's important to challenge and examine our feelings, especially when they seem to contradict external circumstances. For instance, if a friend seems busy but we feel ignored, it's essential to consider the objective reality – our friend may indeed be busy, but they may also still value our friendship. By writing down our feelings and examining them in the context of reality, we can gain clarity and avoid making assumptions that may not be based in truth. Additionally, our happiness and sense of joy come from within us, not from external sources like friends or possessions. By focusing on our inner happiness and practicing self-care, we can overcome feelings of sadness or despair and ultimately improve our overall well-being.

    • When feeling hopeless or stuck, remember help is availableReach out for support, build self-awareness, avoid negative thoughts, and consider options before making decisions to improve mental and emotional well-being

      When feeling hopeless or stuck, it's important to remember that help is available and reaching out can make a significant difference. Whether it's talking to a trusted friend or starting therapy, building self-awareness and creating an action plan can help recharge your emotional battery. Avoiding reality and numbing out with distractions might provide temporary relief, but it can lead to more harm in the long run. It's crucial to avoid making self-deprecating statements and breaking the cycle of negative thoughts. If you're facing financial difficulties, it's essential not to make hasty decisions that could worsen the situation. Instead, take time to reflect and consider your options before taking action. Remember, it's okay to ask for help and prioritize your mental and emotional well-being.

    • Overcoming Challenges with Love and SupportDespite setbacks, self-reflection, self-love, and a strong support system can help us overcome challenges and grow.

      No matter how difficult or embarrassing a situation may seem, you are not alone and there is always a way out. The speaker shared a personal story about getting his car repossessed and feeling ashamed about it, but was surprised by the support and help he received from his family. He also acknowledged his own avoidance tendencies and the importance of facing challenges head-on. The conversation emphasized the importance of self-reflection, self-love, and the power of a strong support system in overcoming obstacles. The speaker also acknowledged the value of his personal growth and the importance of not letting one setback define his entire life. Overall, the conversation underscored the importance of resilience and the power of love and support in navigating life's challenges.

    • Faking it won't lead to true self-improvement or happinessAcknowledge and deal with core issues instead of seeking external validation through material possessions or achievements, and focus on conscious decisions based on insight and knowledge.

      Hiding our struggles and seeking external validation through material possessions or achievements won't lead to true self-improvement or happiness. The speaker shares his personal experience of faking it with family and colleagues, even when he reached success, only to feel the same sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction within. He emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and dealing with core issues, rather than trying to skip over them. The speaker also highlights the danger of the self-help "flex it out" movement, which can lead to a focus on superficial changes rather than addressing underlying emotional and psychological needs. Instead, he suggests choosing reality, being honest with oneself, and making conscious decisions based on insight and knowledge, rather than impulse.

    • Making peace with moneyFocus on relationships, integrity, and good financial habits to build a better life, not on material possessions or negative associations with money.

      Money is just a tool, and it's essential to make peace with your relationship with it. The speaker emphasizes that material possessions do not define one's identity or worth. Instead, focusing on building strong relationships with loved ones, having integrity, and practicing good financial habits are crucial. The speaker shares his personal experience growing up with financial stress and how it impacted him, encouraging others to learn from their mistakes and prioritize their mental and emotional well-being. He also recommends using financial tools like Financial Peace University and Every Dollar to help manage money effectively and teach these principles to future generations. Ultimately, the goal is to break the cycle of negative associations with money and instead view it as a means to create a better life for oneself and one's family.

    • Focus on internal confidence and peace of mindBuild self-worth through small successes, let go of past mistakes, prioritize experiences and relationships, and work towards financial freedom for a fulfilling life

      True success is not measured by material possessions or external appearances, but rather by internal confidence and peace of mind. The speaker suggests that the person in question, who is struggling with debt and a lack of self-worth, needs to focus on building confidence through small successes and letting go of past mistakes. He advises the person to make practical steps towards financial freedom, such as renting a cheaper car, getting an extra job, and saving up an emergency fund. The ultimate goal is to prioritize experiences and relationships over material possessions and to build a home and life that brings joy and fulfillment to the individual and their family. The speaker emphasizes the importance of self-worth and reminds the person that they are a good person, deserving of love and respect, regardless of their current circumstances.

    • Thorne: Trusted Supplements for Elite IndividualsThorne offers science-backed, third-party tested supplements and health testing, endorsed by John Delaney. Carol shared her journey of self-punishment through weight gain after sexual trauma, emphasizing the importance of individual healing paths.

      Thorne is a top-tier supplement company trusted by elite individuals worldwide for its personalized, science-backed products. John Delaney, a YouTuber and podcaster, has been using Thorne for years and endorses it wholeheartedly. Thorne offers third-party tested supplements and health testing, aiming to help people live longer and healthier lives. For Deloney Show listeners, Thorne is providing a 25% discount on their entire lineup. Another key takeaway is the discussion about weight gain after experiencing sexual trauma. The guest, Carol, shared her story of being raped at 16 and the resulting cycle of weight gain whenever she received attention from men. The underlying issue seemed to be a form of self-punishment, with the belief that this was what she deserved. It's important to understand that everyone's healing journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. In this case, John offered support and promised to help Carol find the resources she needs.

    • Acknowledging and healing from past traumasRecognizing past traumas and committing to healing can help individuals find safety in the present, despite challenges.

      Recognizing and addressing past traumas is essential for personal growth and healing. The discussion revolves around a woman named Carol from Georgia, who was sexually assaulted as a child. The trauma has been affecting her life, causing her to feel vulnerable and exposed when she loses weight. The therapist guides her through the process of acknowledging the past and committing to not giving the perpetrator any more power. They also discuss the importance of recognizing when the body tries to protect one from past traumas and stopping the cycle. The therapist emphasizes that it won't be easy, but with counseling and determination, one can overcome the past and find safety in the present.

    • Understanding body's response to traumaAcknowledge body's coping mechanisms, honor it for safety, learn new ways to cope like mindfulness, support, self-compassion.

      Our bodies respond to trauma by developing coping mechanisms, often leading to unhealthy habits like emotional eating and isolation. It's important to understand that these responses are not a sign of character flaws or lack of willpower, but rather the body's attempt to protect us. The paradigm shift involves acknowledging this, honoring our bodies for keeping us safe, and learning new ways to cope. This includes becoming aware of triggers and practicing mindfulness, seeking support from others, and adopting self-compassion instead of self-hatred. Remember, you cannot hate your body into being healthy. Instead, thank it for keeping you safe and start practicing new, healthier ways to cope with emotions and build connections with others.

    • Healing past traumas for weight managementAcknowledging and sharing past traumas with trusted individuals can lead to emotional release and better overall well-being, including weight management. Seek help and resources for healing, such as counseling and self-management skills.

      Addressing past traumas is an essential part of overall well-being and weight management. The speaker emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and sharing experiences with trusted individuals, whether through support groups or counseling, to help release the emotional burden. Exercise and physical activity are encouraged, but only after the individual feels emotionally prepared. The journey towards healing involves facing guilt and fear, but ultimately leads to peace and freedom. The speaker encourages reaching out for help and resources, such as counseling and self-management skills, to facilitate the healing process.

    • Daily choices for a non-anxious lifeChoose daily to build a non-anxious life through 6 simple practices: focus on the present, practice gratitude, connect with others, prioritize self-care, set realistic goals, and cultivate a positive mindset.

      No matter how anxious, burned out, or stressed you may feel, you're not alone. Author Jon Dalton encourages listeners to make daily choices to reduce anxious feelings and build a more peaceful, non-anxious life, as detailed in his new book, "Building a Nonanxious Life." Randy Newman's song "You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story serves as a reminder that when life gets tough, we have friends and support systems to help us through. Whether listening to the show or not, Dalton assures listeners that they have a friend in him. The 6 daily choices outlined in his book can help individuals better respond to life's challenges and build a more non-anxious life.

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    How to Handle Anger, Uncertainty, and Self-Loathing | Mushim Patricia Ikeda

    How to Handle Anger, Uncertainty, and Self-Loathing | Mushim Patricia Ikeda
    When somebody wrongs you, what is the wise way to handle your anger? Is forgiveness possible? What about friendliness? My guest today has a lot of thoughts about how to handle anger and how to respond to people who mean you harm. It might surprise you to hear from a Buddhist teacher who actually isn’t utterly disparaging of anger. In fact, she is proud (somewhat facetiously) of having been called “the original Angry Asian Buddhist.” Her name is Mushim Patricia Ikeda, and she is my kind of Buddhist. She self-describes as “snarky,” and, as you will hear, she loves to laugh. She has doable, down-to-earth strategies, and she makes a compelling, if counterintuitive, case for the pragmatism of sending goodwill to people who want to harm you.  Mushim is a core teacher at the East Bay Meditation Center. She is a writer, activist, and diversity consultant. She has trained for decades as both a lay and monastic Buddhist. Aside from anger, we also discuss how to handle uncertainty, and what Mushim calls a “pandemic of self-loathing” in our culture. But we begin with some candid talk about the trauma of being an Asian-American during a time of rising violence against the AAPI community.  This is the second in a two-part series on the uptick in anti-Asian violence -- a trend that should be particularly worrisome for this audience, given the Asian roots of meditation and many of the other happiness-producing modalities we talk about on this show. If you missed it, go check out Monday’s episode, where we explore the history of anti-Buddhist and anti-Asian violence in America (which started decades before the pandemic), and the hurt felt by many Asian-American Buddhists about how they can be overlooked by other American Buddhists, including, sometimes, me. Two other items of business: first, are you interested in teaching mindfulness to teens? Looking to carve your own path and share this practice in a way that feels real, authentic, and relevant in today’s world? Our friends at iBme are accepting applications for their Mindfulness Teacher Training program - catered towards working with teens and young adults. The last round of applications are due May 15th and scholarships are available. For more information and to apply, check out: https://ibme.com/mindfulness-teacher-training/. And second, we want to recognize and deeply thank mental health professionals for all you do. For a year's FREE access to the app and hundreds of meditations and resources, visit: https://www.tenpercent.com/mentalhealth. Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/mushim-patricia-ikeda-344 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.