Lori Gottlieb ON: How to Set and Keep Better Boundaries & Ways to Know if You Are Settling in Relationships

    enAugust 28, 2023

    Podcast Summary

    • Importance of Communication and Setting Boundaries in RelationshipsExpress intentions clearly, establish healthy boundaries, respect each other's feelings, prioritize well-being, and maintain open communication for healthy relationships.

      When it comes to navigating friendships and relationships, it's crucial to communicate and set boundaries. In the scenario discussed, it's important for the person to express their intentions clearly and honestly to their friend. By openly stating that they only desire a platonic relationship, they establish a healthy boundary. It's essential for both parties to respect and believe each other's feelings without trying to change the other's perspective. If the friend continues to push for something more or disregards the established boundary, it may be necessary to assess the health of the friendship. It's crucial to prioritize one's own well-being and recognize when it might be necessary to distance yourself from the situation. Remember, open communication and respecting boundaries are key in maintaining healthy relationships.

    • The Power of Face-to-Face ConversationEstablishing a pattern of in-person conversations, especially for difficult topics, promotes open and honest communication, emotional connection, and understanding in relationships.

      Having difficult conversations in person is actually easier and more effective than doing it through text. Many people avoid face-to-face conversations because they fear the discomfort and vulnerability that may arise. However, therapist Lori Gottlieb suggests that establishing a pattern of texting instead of talking only solidifies this avoidance and makes it harder to change. She advises addressing important matters in the early stages of a relationship to set the tone for open and honest communication. By initiating a shift from text to in-person conversations, individuals can gauge the other person's willingness to engage and resolve issues directly. Creating a habit of discussing difficult topics face-to-face normalizes such conversations and promotes emotional connection and understanding.

    • Overcoming Social Anxiety and Building Confidence: Rewriting Our Narrative and Embracing Our True StoryOur social anxiety may be rooted in relational issues or childhood experiences, but we can overcome it by rewriting our own narrative, taking small steps, and prioritizing deeper connections.

      Social anxiety often stems from relational issues or childhood experiences. The stories we were told about ourselves by others, especially during our formative years, can shape our beliefs about how we will be perceived and accepted by others. However, it's important to recognize that these stories are not necessarily true reflections of who we are. Rewriting our own narrative and embracing our true story can help us overcome social anxiety and build confidence. Taking small steps, such as opening up to a friend or engaging in small group settings, allows us to test these new narratives and gradually become more comfortable in larger social situations. It's also important to honor our own introverted tendencies and prioritize deeper connections over superficial networking.

    • Cultivating meaningful connections through curiosity and open-ended questionsShow genuine interest, ask about their background, and focus on connection to create authentic and fulfilling interactions.

      Genuine curiosity and asking open-ended questions about a person's life can help alleviate social anxiety and foster meaningful connections. Instead of feeling the pressure to entertain or impress others, simply show interest in them, ask about their background, and allow them to share their story. People appreciate it when someone is genuinely curious and interested in getting to know them. It's important to remember that everyone feels some level of anxiety in social settings, so it's worth giving others the benefit of the doubt and not jumping to negative judgments. By focusing on connection rather than networking or external factors, we can create more authentic and fulfilling interactions.

    • Prioritizing the Right Qualities in RelationshipsFocus on essential character traits like kindness, emotional stability, and flexibility for a successful and lasting relationship. Let go of superficial preferences and prioritize how a person shows up, handles stress, and maintains a sense of humor.

      When it comes to relationships, it's important to have realistic expectations and prioritize the right qualities. You can't order a partner with all the specific qualities you want, but you should focus on essential character traits like kindness, emotional stability, and flexibility. These are the predictors of a successful and lasting relationship. It's crucial to let go of superficial preferences and instead pay attention to how the person shows up, handles stress, and maintains a sense of humor. While it's natural to fear settling, it's important to strike a balance between having deal breakers and being open-minded. Ultimately, finding a compatible partner means understanding what truly matters for a happy partnership.

    • Building Strong and Resilient Relationships: Prioritizing Compatibility, Emotional Safety, and Growth TogetherLook for a partner who values open communication, takes responsibility for their actions, and is willing to work through difficult topics.

      When it comes to relationships, it's important to prioritize qualities like compatibility, emotional safety, and willingness to grow together. We often idealize our partners in the early stages of a relationship, but it's crucial to pay attention to red flags and listen to what they communicate about their values, history, and emotional regulation. People evolve and grow throughout their lives, so it's unrealistic to expect someone to be a finished product. Instead, focus on finding someone who is willing to show up, take responsibility, apologize when needed, and discuss difficult topics openly. By valuing these qualities, we can build strong and resilient connections with our partners.

    • Cultivating empathy, understanding, and active listening for effective relationship communication.Taking responsibility, understanding triggers, and approaching discussions with compassion can create a safe and open space for communication in a relationship.

      Effective communication in a relationship requires empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen. It is not enough to simply avoid difficult conversations or blame each other for the issues that arise. Both partners must take responsibility for their part in the dance of the relationship and be open to changing their behavior. Instead of making binary decisions based on small data points or being dismissive of each other's triggers and weaknesses, it is important to approach these discussions with context, compassion, and empathy. By supporting and helping each other through their triggers, rather than reacting negatively, partners can create a safer and more understanding space for open dialogue.

    • Setting Healthy Boundaries for Better RelationshipsBoundaries are about taking control of your own actions and communicating your needs assertively, creating a safe and respectful space for yourself and others.

      Boundaries are not about controlling other people's actions towards you, but rather controlling your own actions based on what others do to you. Boundaries are not meant to be rigid and restrictive, but rather flexible and self-regulatory. It's important to communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, expressing your needs and triggers while also considering the needs of your partner. Maintaining boundaries requires consistency and follow-through. By setting boundaries and enforcing them consistently, you can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Remember, boundaries are about self-empowerment and self-care, allowing you to prioritize your emotional well-being and create a safe and respectful space for yourself and others.

    • The importance of setting boundaries in relationshipsSetting boundaries in relationships fosters respect, understanding, and deepens intimacy. Honoring each other's boundaries is crucial for maintaining trust, and creating a balanced and respectful dynamic.

      Setting boundaries in relationships is essential for maintaining healthy connections and avoiding misunderstandings. Boundaries are not meant to separate individuals, but rather to bring them closer by fostering respect and understanding. When we communicate our boundaries to others, we are opening up and sharing vulnerable aspects of ourselves, which ultimately deepens the intimacy in the relationship. It is important to remember that everyone has their own boundaries, and honoring them is crucial for maintaining trust and closeness. By setting boundaries, we are proclaiming that we want to be in a relationship, but certain actions or behaviors may push us away. Boundaries should be seen as an opportunity to create a balanced and respectful dynamic, where both parties feel secure and valued.

    • The importance of setting boundaries in relationships for healthier connections.Communicate clearly about why you're setting boundaries, understand the need to enforce them, and find someone who is willing to meet your needs for a fulfilling relationship.

      Setting boundaries in relationships is crucial for maintaining healthy connections. It's essential to communicate clearly and honestly about why you're setting boundaries, emphasizing that it's not an attempt to end the relationship, but rather to strengthen it. Just as important as setting boundaries is understanding why you feel the need to take on the responsibility of enforcing them. If you find yourself exhausted from carrying the burden of boundary-setting, it may be helpful to reflect on why you continue to invest in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs. Remember, finding someone who is willing and interested in meeting your needs is essential for a fulfilling and satisfying relationship.

    • Beyond budgeting: The importance of exploring emotions, beliefs, and values in money conversations in relationships.Effective communication about money in relationships involves understanding each other's perspectives, addressing triggers and discomfort, and finding common ground to explore the deeper meaning behind money.

      Effective communication about money in relationships goes beyond budgeting and spending habits. It requires delving into the emotions, beliefs, and values associated with money. Couples need to explore what money represents to each individual and how their upbringing and cultural backgrounds shape their views on gender roles, power dynamics, and financial stability. These discussions should focus on understanding each other's perspectives, addressing any triggers or discomfort, and finding common ground. It's important to recognize that these conversations may need to be revisited and reevaluated as circumstances change over time. Avoiding or arguing about money only perpetuates misunderstandings and disconnect. True growth and resolution come from having open and honest dialogues that explore the deeper meaning behind money in the relationship.

    • The Power of Difficult ConversationsBy approaching difficult conversations with kindness, curiosity, and an open mind, we can create a safe space for dialogue and transform relationships.

      Having difficult conversations can lead to deeper understanding and stronger relationships. It's important to approach these conversations with kindness, curiosity, and an open mind. By framing the conversation in a way that focuses on emotions and understanding rather than just solving the problem, we can create a safe space for dialogue. It's crucial to remember that it's not a monologue, but a dialogue where both parties have the opportunity to share their thoughts and experiences. Holding hands during the conversation can also help calm the nervous system and create a more vulnerable atmosphere. Even long-standing conflicts can be resolved and relationships can be transformed when we approach conversations in a different way.

    • Finding True Love: Listening to Your Voice and Not Society's ExpectationsLove is not about accepting all flaws, but about feeling heard, understood, safe, and happy. Focus on the connection and appreciation for each other's sacrifices.

      When it comes to relationships, it's crucial to listen to our own voice rather than being swayed solely by societal or cultural expectations. We often have a distorted notion of love, thinking that it means accepting and loving all the annoying aspects of ourselves and our partner unconditionally. However, it's important to remember that while someone may love us despite our flaws, it doesn't mean they will love those flaws themselves. Instead of approaching relationships like shopping for a perfect match, we should focus on how we feel when we are with that person. Do we feel heard, understood, safe, and happy? If the answer is yes, then we are not settling. It's also essential to recognize the give and take in a relationship and to appreciate the sacrifices made by both partners across different aspects of life.

    • A thoughtful approach to change and pursuing dreams.Take the time to reflect and understand what you truly want, make informed decisions, and find practical lessons in challenging situations for greater success and fulfillment.

      It is important to approach change and pursuing our dreams in a more incremental and thoughtful manner. Instead of making abrupt decisions, it is beneficial to take the time to learn and understand what we truly want and whether it aligns with our goals. Rather than immediately escaping from a situation that makes us unhappy, we should consider if we are moving towards something better or simply trying to avoid our current circumstances. By taking a step back and reflecting on our choices, we can make more informed decisions that will lead to greater success and fulfillment in the long run. Additionally, it is crucial to learn from our experiences and find practical lessons that can help us grow, even in challenging situations.

    • The Power of Journaling for Personal GrowthRegular journaling can enhance self-reflection, provide a new perspective, track personal growth, reduce stress, and improve mental and emotional well-being in just five minutes a day.

      Journaling can be a valuable tool for self-reflection and personal growth. By writing down our thoughts and experiences, we create a space to organize and process our emotions and insights. Journaling allows us to delve deeper into our thoughts and gain a different perspective on our lives. It provides an opportunity to track our progress and see how we have grown over time. Additionally, journaling can help clear our minds and reduce stress, especially if we make it a habit to journal first thing in the morning before getting caught up in the distractions of the day. Taking just five minutes each day to journal can have a profound impact on our mental and emotional well-being.

    • The power of journaling for self-reflection and personal growth.Journaling is a valuable tool that allows us to express our thoughts and emotions, uncover patterns, measure progress, and navigate through challenges, ultimately leading to positive changes in our lives.

      Journaling is a valuable tool for self-reflection and personal growth. It allows us to express our thoughts and emotions, helping us clear our minds and find clarity. Through journaling, we can uncover patterns and discover hidden aspects of ourselves, such as unresolved anger or avoidance. It also helps us measure our progress over time, providing a marker for personal growth and transformation. Journaling can support us through the stages of change, from denial to contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It serves as a safe space where we can be vulnerable without judgment, helping us navigate through challenges and make positive changes in our lives.

    • Practicing Compassion and Self-Accountability during Breakups.Show yourself kindness and understanding during breakups. Use journaling as a tool to reflect on negative self-talk and navigate the stages of grief to heal and move forward.

      It's important to show yourself compassion and kindness, especially during difficult times like breakups. Instead of beating yourself up or constantly feeling like you failed, acknowledge that you're human and make an effort to hold yourself accountable in a compassionate way. Writing in a journal can help you reflect on how you talk to yourself and give you an opportunity to edit and change negative self-talk. Breakups can be immensely challenging because they involve grief and often a sense of loss. Understanding that the stages of grief, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, are applicable to various types of loss can help navigate the healing process. Remember, it's not just the present moment that you're losing, but also the future you had envisioned.

    • The Importance of Acknowledging and Accepting Grief in the Face of Relationship LossRecognize the significance of grieving the loss of a relationship, avoid self-blame, and focus on accepting incompatibility to move forward and approach new relationships with cautious optimism.

      Losing a significant relationship is a profound experience that involves the loss of not just the present, but also the future that was envisioned together. It is essential for friends and loved ones to acknowledge the grieving process instead of trivializing it. Acknowledging the value of the daily routines, intimacy, and connection shared with the person is crucial in understanding the depth of the loss. Furthermore, it is important to let oneself feel the grief and acknowledge its reality. However, it is equally important to be mindful of the stories we tell ourselves about the breakup, avoiding self-blame or negative narratives. Recognizing and accepting incompatibility rather than trying to change someone's feelings or behavior is key to moving forward and entering new relationships with hope and caution.

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    01:07 Do They Love Me?

    04:42 #1: Love Makes Us Forget the Importance of Values

    08:56 #2: Love Makes You Forget Patterns of Behaviour

    16:09 #3: Love Makes You Forget How They Treat You

    19:29 #4: Love Versus Support

    21:46 #5: You Forget the Importance of Trust

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Jonathan Haidt: Why Social Media Has Caused a Collapse in Mental Health & #1 Way to Solve Your Anxiety

    Jonathan Haidt: Why Social Media Has Caused a Collapse in Mental Health & #1 Way to Solve Your Anxiety

    How are smartphones linked to anxiety?

    What mental health issues are linked to excessive social media use?

    Today, let's welcome Jonathan Haidt is a renowned social psychologist, professor at New York University’s Stern School of Business, and a widely published author. He is known for his research on morality, culture, and the psychology of happiness. Jonathan's influential books include "The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion" and "The Coddling of the American Mind." His latest work, "The Anxious Generation," examines the profound impact of social media on young people's mental health.

    Jonathan highlights the unprecedented global collapse of mental health among youth, describing it as more significant than the COVID-19 pandemic, with girls being particularly affected by anxiety and depression, and boys showing significant social development issues.

    The conversation also addresses the academic debate regarding the root causes of this mental health crisis, with Jonathan presenting compelling data and experimental evidence to support his view that social media is a primary driver. He offers actionable solutions, including delaying smartphone and social media use until later ages, implementing phone-free school policies, increasing outdoor play, and advocating for collective action by parents and communities. 

    In this interview, you'll learn:

    How to create a healthier digital environment for kids

    How to implement age-appropriate tech usage

    How to encourage outdoor play and physical activities

    How to talk to children about the risks of social media

    How to foster resilience and emotional strength in kids

    How to create a supportive community for parents

    Together, let's take a comprehensive look into the mental health crisis the youth is facing today and take note of the practical strategies for creating a healthier environment that supports their well-being.

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    • 00:00 Intro
    • 01:55 Global Synchronized Collapse of Mental Health
    • 08:12 Social Media is for Adults to Network
    • 10:20 The Science Behind Anxiety
    • 14:51 Variation of Emotions is Necessary for Kids
    • 17:45 Play Helps Kids Learn
    • 19:12 How to Make Playtime More Effective?
    • 22:59 The Effects of Technology on Different Genders
    • 29:24 Going Through Puberty on Social Media
    • 32:08 How Parenting Has Changed with Technology
    • 34:27 Efforts to Regulate Smartphones Use for Children
    • 44:21 Women Are Always Judged for Their Looks
    • 49:26 Verified Social Media Account
    • 56:58 Why Tap Into Our Spirituality
    • 01:03:56 What is Happening to Us?
    • 01:11:31 The Greatest Distraction of Human Value
    • 01:16:23 Jonathan on Final Five

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    If You've Been Feeling Drained... Listen To This (9 Steps To Recover And Avoid Burnout)

    If You've Been Feeling Drained... Listen To This (9 Steps To Recover And Avoid Burnout)

    Do you often feel exhausted or burnt out?

    Are you struggling to manage your stress levels?

    Today, Jay talks about exhaustion, burnout, and stress, highlighting their prevalence with statistics showing that a significant portion of young adults and women report feeling drained. He introduces a practical approach to tackle these challenges, encapsulated in the "triple A" formula—Accept, Action, Attention—which encourages acknowledging negative feelings, taking actionable steps to address them, and paying mindful attention to one's mental state

    Jay also introduces the concept of "reset periods," whether it's an hour, half-day, or full day, to allow for complete mental and physical rejuvenation. The importance of self-compassion is also emphasized, encouraging individuals to replace inner criticism with supportive self-talk, which can significantly improve overall well-being.

    In this episode, you'll learn:

    How to break negative thought cycle

    How to manage your energy levels

    How to use stress strategically

    How to practice self-compassion

    How to get out of stressful situation

    Don’t let exhaustion control your life—take action today and start feeling refreshed and empowered. Listen now and share with someone who needs a boost!

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    00:00 Intro

    01:06 Do You Feel Drained?

    03:10 #1: Learn to Break Repetitive Thoughts

    06:27 #2: You Don’t Need to Be on Full Energy All the Time

    10:20 #3: Learn to Say NO

    14:05 #4: Be Strategic with Your Time

    17:02 #5: Have a Reset Day

    18:35 #6: Be Kind to Yourself

    19:59 #7: Allow Yourself to Vent and Let It Out

    21:24 #8: Get a Restful Sleep 

    23:00 #9: Wash Your Mind the Night Before

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

    Taylor Hill: How to Navigate Emotional Challenges & Ways to Practice Gratitude in Lifes’ Unexpected Hard Times

    Taylor Hill: How to Navigate Emotional Challenges & Ways to Practice Gratitude in Lifes’ Unexpected Hard Times

    How does gratitude aid during emotional struggles?

    How does focusing on positives improve our emotional well-being?

    Today, let's welcome supermodel, content creator, actor, and philanthropist Taylor Hill. Discovered at the age of 14, Taylor has worked with fashion houses and luxury brands around the globe and has graced the covers of prestigious fashion magazines, including Vogue. Beyond her modeling career, Taylor is the founder of Tate and Taylor, a media content platform and community inspired by her late Labradoodle, Tate. 

    Taylor speaks candidly about her emotional journey with her late Labradoodle, Tate and the profound bond she shared with him,  describing how he was more than just a pet – he was a soulmate and a source of unwavering support. She also opens up about the challenges and triumphs of starting her modeling career as a teenager, highlighting the pressures and responsibilities that came with her rapid rise to fame.

    Inspired by her journey with Tate, Taylor founded Tate and Taylor, a media content platform and community for pets and their humans. She explains the mission behind this venture, which aims to support pet owners and raise awareness about animal welfare.

    In this interview, you'll learn:

    How to handle emotional challenges

    How to manage early career success

    How to stay fit mentally and physically

    How to manage grief and loss

    How to pursue your purpose

    How to find joy and gratitude everyday

    Taylor's story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the healing power of unconditional love, an inspiring message for anyone facing their own struggles and searching for meaning in their experiences. 

    With Love and Gratitude,

    Jay Shetty

    What We Discuss:

    • 00:00 Intro
    • 03:50 Earliest Childhood Memory
    • 09:30 Modeling at 14 
    • 12:52 Going to School Wasn’t For Me
    • 15:26 Victoria Secret Model
    • 18:18 Audition Process for Models
    • 20:20 Having the Right Team
    • 24:52 Discipline of a VS Model
    • 33:32 VS Comeback
    • 38:55 Experiencing Burnout
    • 42:12 Losing Tate
    • 51:33 The Signs and Symptoms
    • 01:13:01 Healing From Losing Your Pet
    • 01:19:40 Pregnancy and Miscarriage 
    • 01:44:52 Alone Time While Grieving
    • 01:53:02 Emotional Support From Your Partner
    • 02:04:01 Everyone’s Journey is Different
    • 02:10:39 Building the Tate and Taylor Brand
    • 02:20:52 A Brand for a Cause
    • 02:24:48 Taylor on Final Five

    Episode Resources:

    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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