Janelle Monáe: We Should Thank Our Exes (FBF)

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Oh, thank you so much for having me, Ellen. Of course. I'm a big fan of your show, of your experience, rather. So I was really happy when I found out we were going to do this. So thank you.

Okay, tell me how your summer's going. You were on vacation. Where were you? Let us pretend we were there with you. Oh, please. I'm like, can we all just go on vacation for the whole summer? Come on, everybody. Everybody, let's do this. Let's all agree that summers are for vacations paid for by the government.

I love this energy. Paid for by the government. We're going to manifest it here now. Because it's like when you were younger, I feel like summers were always vacationed because off of school. But when you become an adult, nothing is fun anymore. We're like, we need to go on vacation. OK, so where were you?

Okay, so I was in Ibiza, Ibiza, Spain. And then I stayed there for probably like five or six days, which was like an experience. Like it is a party place. So we did not go to sleep. I went with like 10 of my other friends and we didn't go to sleep till like seven in the morning every morning. I can't even say night. Right. But it was so fun. It was that.

that ooch ooch music. I kind of like ooch ooch, but I need like some hip-hop, some something mixed in with it. But it was so fun. The sunsets are beautiful. And then the second portion of the vacay was Jamaica. Oh, I've never been. Oh, Choreos. Beautiful people. The food, the chicken patties, the beef patties, the shrimp curry, the plantains. I had at least 152 plantains.

What one by one? Oh, yeah, the water. I feel like I'm there with you. Oh, it was like it was heaven So I will say I'm sort of mentally still there. It's okay. We can keep a chill We're on vacation this is summer like we're just gonna relax today Okay, let's relax and it's so interesting that you say like as kids growing up It just reminded me like I didn't take vacations as a kid

I think that's why I'm so adamant about it now. I didn't, you know, my parents worked a lot and we didn't get the opportunity to go outside of Kansas. So I didn't take my first vacation until really my first album came out.

And now you're like, I deserve this. I'm making up for lost time. As you should. That's phenomenal. I feel like when I go on trips with my friends, there's someone in the friend group that's like the planner, that's like the reservations and the itinerary person. And then there's people that are more like chill and just going with the flow. Who are you in the friend group?

Oh my god, I'm the one actually sending out the group text. Like dinner, I could be at the club. It could be four in the morning. I'm like lunch is going to be served at 2 p.m. breakfast for anybody between nine and noon. Dinner's going to be eight. Like I love making the itineraries. I'm that friend.

You're the dream though. People are like, Janelle, why are you doing it? I don't know. I just love curating experiences. I grew up actually throwing parties with my best friends, middle school.

Sixth grade, seventh grade, we would rent out this location in one of our friends' neighborhoods, sort of white building, and we would charge people a dollar to get in. And I would hide in the bathroom because I didn't know who was going to come. I had so much anxiety around it. And then once it would get packed, my friends would come underneath the stall because I locked myself in the bathroom.

They'd be like, it's Pat, come out, come out, bitch. Get out, get out, get out. And so I've just always loved curating experiences for people. I mean, I think that's a great trait and quality to have. I feel like that makes a lot of sense of what I wanted to talk to you about today is obviously your new album, The Age of Pleasure is out.

And while I was listening to it, I'm like, you have such a specific great vibe that's very infectious, which I love. And I'm curious, are you currently in your age of pleasure? Have you always been? And what is age of pleasure to you? Oh, that's a great question. I wasn't always in my age of pleasure. I've been in age of fear, age of anxiety, age of...

Cheers.

worry, a fight, you know, fighting back against systems that seek to oppress folks like myself and the people that I love and centering that. And with this album, which I actually don't even call an album, I say that it is a soundtrack to a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle. You know, we live this. I wrote this project for my friends and for me, and I was just like, if we fuck with it,

That's all I care about. So I would throw parties at my house with my friends who own this party collective called Everyday People. And if I knew we were gonna be having and hosting them on a Saturday, that Monday or Tuesday, we would go into the studio and we would write like two to three songs that would work in the DJ's playlist.

I wouldn't tell anybody it was me. I would not, like, make a big thing about it. And I would be very nervous, like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Are people going to sit down? Because if people sat down, it was not going to go on the album. If people were not shazamming, it wasn't going on the album.

And so every song that you hear, all of my friends, all of the people who were with us celebrating in this safe space, they are responsible for the songs making the album.

that takes a lot of confidence but also just like self-awareness to be like I'm gonna play my friends my songs they're gonna have no fucking ideas me and watch let's see if they vibe with it so like every thing because I was thinking I when I was listening to champagne shit I was like okay like this is a vibe like I would listen to this like getting ready with my friends like getting ready to go out like but then I'm all I'm wondering like so you're sitting there being like do they like it do they like it and then you're like check that's going on this

I'm like, how do people move? Okay. What I saw some people shazamming. And then some people would be like, wait, is this, but I never would confirm. I would go hide and be like, you know, having somebody else tell me what's going on. But yeah, like it's as an artist presenting anything before the world gets it like for that first time. I talked to a lot of my artist friends and we're all like, it is one of the most.

like scary things ever scary feelings to have because it comes from such a pure place when we create and for not to be accepted you don't know you know you take it but for me I got I was like I'm ready I'm okay I had to heal some shit you know because because some of that is attached to to just rejection issues abandonment issues like people don't like my stuff that could go down to the root of an issue that you just need to fix and I definitely

used a portion of this pandemic to sort of work on that and to get to my own, you know, traumas that I had to heal and to get to a place where I was like, wait, I've been really centering fighting so much that I don't even know what my life is like outside of that. Who am I?

Like, who am I outside of the fight? Who am I? And so I had to sit with myself and ask myself. And when I think about the word pleasure, there is no pleasure without feeling safe. I didn't always feel safe.

that's so I appreciate you sharing that because I one can relate in terms of like putting something creatively out there and being extremely nervous to see obviously like are people gonna like it on top of that obviously you infusing parts of you with your sexuality and race and growing up and your experiences like that's like a really

vulnerable moment to be infusing something into a work of art and then like fingers crossed hoping people like it you kind of have to slowly be really good with yourself to be able to know like sure I can like perfect my craft a little bit more but down to the core like if people don't like it I'm still gonna be okay with myself and that must take time though exactly it does it takes a lot of unlearning yeah it takes a lot of um

Fucking with yourself. And I have to say, you have to be like, I fuck with me. Somebody doesn't like a song that I made, but that doesn't make me a bad songwriter. That doesn't make me a bad artist. That doesn't mean that I should just throw away my whole career.

You know, and you have to just understand that sometimes we're not always in the same space that we can take in, you know, take in the message or the energy that an artist is trying to put out. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's just like, okay, this didn't resonate with you. Okay. But I don't give you that power over me. You're not more powerful. Your thoughts about my art are not more powerful than my thoughts about my art.

Yeah, it's so real what you're saying too because even when I was listening to you say like I was fighting for so much of my life like and when am I gonna get out of this stage? That's also the beauty of art is like it will come to it when you're ready. Yeah. Like your music would have sounded so different in your fighting stages verse now when you're like, I fucking love myself. I'm more clear on who I am. I'm more secure in certain things that were like eating me alive. Maybe when I was younger and going through it.

And you can tell, like this album, like it makes you smile, it makes you feel yourself, it makes you just like want to live. And I don't know if that sounds corny, but like it's back. No, it's really beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. Every moment of your soundtrack felt very thoughtful and put together. And it is a story. So I just, I'm a creative person, so I really respect you and it's great.

Thank you. You know, I wanted to focus on feeling too. You know, I think feeling is what music gives us. It makes us feel. It makes us want to dance. It makes us want to party. It makes us want to cry. It makes us want to feel ourselves and feel sexy, half sex, all those things. It's such a powerful energy. And the fact that it's a feeling that I had that I felt like, man, this makes me feel good knowing that that makes you feel

And we are just meeting each other. That's such, I think that's such a beautiful exchange. So thank you so much. Of course. It's interesting. You kind of mentioned this earlier and I want to talk about it. I know you've talked about going to therapy and working on yourself and I know you're at a great place in your life and, you know, the age of pleasure. But let's go back a little bit. What is the biggest part of yourself you had to heal in order to be who you are sitting here today?

Mm. Oh, wow. You know, one of the things that I had to do was

again, deal with my rejection and abandonment sort of trauma. Where did that start from? You know, my dad and I who were like this now were super close, but my dad struggled with addiction growing up. And so he was in and out of my life. And so there were just times where I didn't know if he was really going to come and pick me up.

The trust wasn't there. I felt let down. There were moments that happened all the way up into high school and other things that happened. So I had to go back to those times that were painful.

that those times that I just had to forgive my dad. I was like, I have to forgive you. You were struggling with drug addiction. You were not the best version of yourself. And now that you are, we get to make up for that. We get to make up for that time. And as I healed that and I talked to him about it, a lot changed for me. As I forgave him, I forgave my own self.

for spending so many years, you know, in that dark space and connecting that to my art, you know, if I thought that I had done something wrong, you know, why wasn't he showing up for me? And so when you go and you in the back of your head or thinking that you're doing something wrong, that your own dad isn't around,

If in your art, you feel like people are not liking what it is that you're doing or they're judging you or whatever, it's intertwined. You know, the feeling of like them leaving you, like your dad left you, you never want to feel that.

And so I had to get to a place where I understood what that was and I had to let go and I had to be okay with knowing that there's nothing wrong with me if folks don't want to come to my party. Even me hiding in the bathroom, they didn't want to come to my party. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. It wasn't nothing wrong with me while my dad wasn't around.

He was struggling. He was battling. And people are battling so many things. People are into different things that perhaps what you're doing doesn't necessarily align with it. Or they just play might not like it. And that's okay. But do you like you? I think it's so interesting when you start to connect to your childhood and how your parents raised you and what trauma did you go through.

when you don't deal with it, there's just this anger in you or there's this resentment and there's just a part of you. Even if you don't want to label that, there's just something in you that you feel like you haven't resolved. And a lot of times we don't have the perspective of kids of like, oh, this wasn't intentional that my dad was doing this to neglect me and make me feel abandoned, but it happened. And so two things can be true, right? He wasn't trying to inflict pain on you. He was going through something

But it affected you. And until you go through all of that, it's going to influence the way that you move in life. But even you saying it's interesting, it affected your art. I'm interested to know how to affect your personal relationships with this theme of abandonment within you. It affected them for sure. Yeah, it was just like trust issues.

You know, breakups were intense. Yep. Because they just mirrored that. But now, like, there were moments where, you know, I was dating someone and, you know, we broke up and I just was like, I will never talk to this person again. The way they made me feel, I will never talk to them again. And after I started to go through therapy and I have an emotional support coach that I talked to,

After which, by the way, therapy, we're benefiting from therapy. I just really wish that it was free for every person around the world. I really, really, really do wish that there was a fund that everybody could access, that where they could have therapy, they could have somebody to talk to and work through. I do believe that we will be in a much better shape as a community, as a nation, as a world.

So I just wanted to say that because I feel like, damn, I wish everybody could go could experience these things. So I was like, I will never talk to this person again. And after I went through, you know, understanding and getting to the root of like my, my rejection abandonment, trauma,

You know what I did? I thanked the person who I was in a relationship with and it did not work out for us. I thanked them. I said, you know what?

And my emotional support coach said that I was going to do that. It's like, you are going to thank this person because you know what this person did for you? They forced you to deal with something that you were not going to deal with. They pushed you to go back to the root of the problem. You were not going to do it. You were moving.

you were too busy moving you didn't have time but that relationship the ending of that specific relationship forced that and I literally call that person and I thank them I said thank you so much you have no idea like I was really walking around here hurt and you forced me to like

And so they started sharing things with me. They were just like, I just wasn't ready. I was confused myself. I did not trust it was going so well for us. I'm so used to chaos that I felt like this was not going to end how I wanted it to end. I'm also dealing with rejection issues. So we just kind of heal through each other.

And it helped me in my other relationships. I was like, here are the things that I was doing because of my trauma. When I'm free from that trauma, I'm a really, really, really beautiful partner to have. And it just helped me to understand how I want to show up for my future partners.

It's not so interesting when you meet people in life that obviously again, like you needed to work on yourself to be able to have that hindsight and be like, wait, that was so helpful. But like most of the time in life, in romantic partnerships, I feel like specifically like you can get so hurt by them, but that's not your family. So you're like, I can walk away, but you're always going to learn something so incredible. And if you can get past that hurt initially,

we really should be thanking all of our exes. Because it's like, even if you cheated on me, like I have partners in the past that I had so much resentment and anger and I look back and I'm like, there's so much I learned about myself and my resilience and my worth. And it's like, had that not happened, of course, there's moments in life where like, I wish no harm on anyone, but like certain themes that you can take, find the good part of it, rather than feeling so negative and angry, because that just gets us nowhere.

Yeah. That's interesting to hear you talk about like how you connected with that person. Yeah. At first being like, I'll never talk to you again. And then you're like, wait a second. Thank you. Thank you. Like fucking thank you. And I will say though, I mean, I know it's like sometimes with exes because I also had an ex that was just like, man, I wish I really had this new version of you. Like when we were dating, I wish that I was around. That was the person you showed me. And I was just like, yeah, I agree, but listen,

What do you want me to say? Like, I wasn't ready. I was growing. I needed to grow. And, you know, I'm sorry, you know? True. And, you know, it's interesting that I've had, I remember an ex, I had kind of similar to that, but you also wonder like,

But if I was this new version of myself, we probably wouldn't have been together. Because you were attracted to me, then we ended up for some reason, right? Because we were both toxic as hell. As hell, we both were toxic. So like you can wish.

Yeah, I would definitely would not. This new version would have not dated, you know, that person. I love you. I love you, but there's just no way that I could put myself back into that sort of like chaos. Yeah.

And it's like, again, it's like you're both growing. So for him to be even able to see your growth, phenomenal, love it, amazing. But we probably needed to go on our own ways to actually get whole and good and deal with it ourselves. And maybe that's just not the right fit. But at the time it was. And so we can appreciate each other's growth. But we're not going to grow together. We grew together. And that's a beautiful thing. I always want the best for people, even if we're not together.

as a human that also help contextualize breakups is like, even though we're not together, I don't want anything negative to happen to you. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. As a human, I want the best for you. And if that means that it's not with me at that time or at that season, then so be it. Yeah.

If someone's listening to this and is like, wow, I really relate to you. Maybe they had someone in their life that didn't show up for them and was constantly, you know, neglecting to be there and show up. What did actually working through that childhood trauma, like look like for you? Because I can see some people like, you know, how do I begin to like repair this? Like, where do I start?

Ooh. I mean, like I said, I just wish everybody could afford therapy. But if you can, try to get you a good therapist that you can just talk freely to that can help you like, and don't lie to them. Don't lie. Be transparent. Tell the truth. Make sure that they're pushing you.

You need to not be afraid to do the work. It's gonna be painful. There's a lot of tears, a lot of crying, a lot of just like confusion, but just know that you're growing. Let you know better, right? You're understanding you a lot more. And sometimes that feels confusing to your body, to your cells, because you're literally being like,

rerouted, like the way that your mind is being rewired. So it's going to feel uncomfortable, but just stay the course. Because I promise you that if you do the work, there is going to be, you're going to be like, I never thought I would see the day. I literally never thought that I would be this person.

It's like I planned, I sort of planned it out, but to live it out and to be living what I dreamt about doing and the freedom in which I move, because it's not that like, you're not gonna deal with issues and problems and things like that, but the way that I'm so solid with myself now, I didn't know, you know, I was free, but they're levels to it. They're levels to it, so just stay the course and you'll reach the next level.

I love that advice because even hearing you talk it's like we all reach a point in life when we haven't dealt with our shit where it just starts coming up more and more relationships are failing friendships are having issues there's things at work like it just starts to creep up yeah and those are usually the moments where in a good way like you cannot deny you need to address it and I love that you said it's so fucking uncomfortable

Yeah, but you got to do the work because then you want to be uncomfortable But you're going against something that you literally have been living this way your whole life Yes, so you're going like against the grain you're going against yourself your future self is fighting your Past version of yourself down it's like looper

innocence but different right anyway um you mentioned now that you have a good relationship with your father and i can imagine there are people really relating to you today also of like how did you know it was time for that you were going to be able to forgive and have an actual relationship with your dad

I wanted it. You got to want it too. Sometimes you're just like, I don't really want a relationship just because you birth or helped bring me into this world. Like as a person, you can be like, I don't really want this. And that's totally fine. I think I wanted it because my dad is cool. Like my dad also had a music career, but drugs got in the way of that.

So me and him can talk music. He understands like all my favorite artists or his favorite artists when I put out lipstick lover all of the art that that I'm doing my dad supports it like he's like I want you to know as your dad I think what you're doing is brave is sick as fuck. I love you. I want you to know I got your back like

as a black man living in this country, I'm supporting you, my queer, non-binary, you know, artistic daughter, like I'm here for you. And I knew he always had that sort of, that's sort of where I gave both my parents their likes.

shows like they could each have their own TV show and people they would not care about me they'd be like your mom and your dad like you know they're not together because they're very much so alike in many ways you know they're super like flamboyant and their personalities can take up a room but good sweet people

So with my dad, I always knew that when it was time to take risks, that was going to be the person that was going to affirm me. And I wanted that and I needed that. And also for him, I wanted to give him another opportunity, being sober to know me.

You know to know me I think I think that for both of us we needed it like I needed to have the support of of of my dad and I felt like for him to have been because he'd also gone to prison so he had been locked away for years and I was like

I want him to come out sober and to know what it's like to receive love from me. Was that not guilt? How old were you and your dad went to prison?

I'm timeless, so. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I was alive at some point. Yeah, I know. But I was, this was on and off, you know, middle school, elementary school, high school, like always. You're so successful in so many different areas. Like you're an author, you're an actor, you're a singer. It's insane how talented you are. And I'm thinking, again, it's always like, we never know what someone goes through. Like you rising to fame.

having your father, you know, having these struggles, like, were you ever just, was he still struggling when you first came up and started to get seen? Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, he was, that's when he sort of got, got clean. So that was great. That was good. I needed that right at that time. Because I was going to say, like, damn, like, everyone probably seen you in the tablets and everything, like, having all this success and yet,

you want to repair a relationship with your father because there's nothing everyone can relate when you do something so good at work or at school or when you want to call your parents. Yeah. And you, because you know, there's no one that's going to be more proud of you. Yeah. And so I appreciate you sharing that a little bit because it's like, yes, you have all this success and family. And again, when I say family, I always make sure to clarify, like, I don't care if they're blood, like you don't have to be with people that

abuse or whatever you consider who your family is to be able to repair relationships if you want it. It is kind of beautiful because you get to share your life with people that love you and support you and there's no jealousy. It's just like, we fucking love you. Like your mom outside the talent shows being like, that's my baby. It's like mom. It's really cute.

You are very private about your dating life. Yeah. How have you decided to make that decision in this crazy Hollywood world that we live in? I just did. I was like, hmm. I was watching, observing. I was like, you know, the people that actually are more private seem more happy to me.

They just seemed more happy, you know, because it's like you don't have to worry about You know Anybody seeing your partner Over here and been like, oh, they're not there. They they assume that if you're not with them And they're seeing with somebody else that you broke up and now you got to go answer that question you have to go do that and

And perhaps maybe later on in life, I'll open up a little more, but for now, I love having, I love, and it really is for the protection of them. I don't want them to, you know, because I can handle sort of like paparazzi or whatever, it's annoying sometimes. Sometimes it's fun, I love messing with them, whatever, but I never want anybody that I'm dating to ever feel pressure

Because they didn't ask for it. You know, they didn't ask for it. So I just like to keep Peace and in harmony and no expectation from the public to know our every move I think that's really healthy and I think in a weird way I do always talk about on my show now like I feel like people now more than ever can kind of relate to a lack of privacy even if you have a

500 followers, we have accessibility now to post as much as we want. And I think there are people that feel societal pressure to post my partner with me because there's almost social currency that comes with being this couple and whether you're in

College or high school like this is everywhere now where people are feeling pressured to prove something on the internet Yeah, and when you can actually step back from it I'm not saying don't post on the internet But like try to find a balance within yourself and like why are you actually doing this? Why are you doing certain things? Is it just to get the photo to prove something to people right?

It's not as healthy. Live, some type of privacy is really good for yourself. Because then you can also be with yourself like, do I like this person? Or do I like how I'm doing this? Or do I even want to do this? You kind of have to make sure not just doing it for the gram.

Yeah, no, seriously. I think because it's the norm to people to be like, well, you must post your kids and who you're dating. And it's sort of like, that's the norm these days. Definitely, I don't feel like anybody should feel pressure. And I think that if you are in a relationship where they're like, if you don't post me, we're done. I've had like people, we were just talking about this when we were on vacay. And there was a question like, would you

be upset if your partner did not post you on social media. And there were a lot of mixed questions, I mean, answers, but I was just like, we have to talk about that first and foremost. And if we agree that we want to keep things private, then no. But also like, if my love is defined by a post, you don't post me enough on social media, like I really need to understand

my own damn like priorities in life. Is that really necessary for me? So I just think it's like for me it's not um I do think people should have conversations around it prior so that there are no expectations and you know because it could hurt somebody's feeling too though if they feel like you're trying to hide them but that's deeper that's like y'all need to really do it.

Yeah, I need to really work through some things. Yeah. No, that's true. Cause I'm thinking about it. Like I feel like there are some people that also now because social media has been like very, you know, prevalent for the past, I guess, like 10 something years, people may have been in relationships where someone was extremely adamant about posting them and they almost found like, when we're good, he posts me when we're not, he doesn't post me. So when you go to your next relationship, I bet there are some people that have like a lingering

feelings about like, well, why aren't you posting me? And someone could literally be like, because I don't think we need to. I love you. We're sitting here together. This better than us taking a selfie. So also check in with yourself of like, are you comparing yourself to your friends or your past relationships? Get on the same page as your partner.

Yes, they may not be being shady at all. They're actually like, no, I fucking love you. And I want or I want to protect you from, you know, all of the scrutiny or the, you know, just just things like that online world, it's its own matrix. And you know, it's it's tough.

It's wild. What are you like in a relationship? Are you romantic? Are you dominant? Like what's the vibe over there? That was also we played this game called Oh God. I'm going to.

I got to get to get the name of it. Actually, it's a black guy who made the game card game. So it's not a lot of us in that space. So I really, really have to get the name of it. Oh my God. Anyway, one of the cards. I can link it in the description when you if your team send it out. You're so sweet. I got it. Of course. OK, but the one of the questions was like, what would your ex say about you?

And we were just like, everybody was like, oh, wow, that's a good one. I feel like now I am, let me think, I mean, because you know, it's like, and so the question, the question made me be like, well, this is what I think about myself. But what if that isn't what they thought about me?

Like, okay, of course, I'm going to say glowing reviews about me, you know, or maybe like a couple things that I need to work on, but, you know, it could have been some other things. So for me, if I was being honest in a relationship, I mean, I think I used to be a very like hard to know if I really loved them sort of person, like it was hard to get to my heart.

Because I had just been hurt and I hadn't really again dealt with sort of that trauma or of what it would feel like if somebody leaving me. I never wanted anybody to leave me and if they did, I didn't want them to ever feel like

really loved you, you know, because like, if you if I really told you that I really loved you and you we still didn't work, then like, wow, what a stab in the heart, right? Yep. But now having gone to this new space, I'm a bit communicator. I, you know, believe in evolution, even in your partnerships. And even if you started out one way, I'm always open to us growing.

And I want to make sure that as we grow individually and as, you know, together, um, um, I've also been in polyamorous relationships as well. And I, you know, know what it's like to be with multiple partners. So it's very important that, you know, we're communicating in real time about our feelings and if things are coming up, like if, if one person feels like, okay, um,

I'm having feelings of jealousy or I need some more time with both of you or how do we, if we need to work on some things, I like to know that. And I always welcome feedback.

I'm that type of person like I don't I don't ever want to be in a relationship where I'm thinking we're good and we're not yeah like you're wondering like just let me know yeah because I I could probably adjust we could adjust perhaps it was a misunderstanding or perhaps like oh you know maybe you thought you knew me or you knew how you you don't know how much I love you yeah I need to be more expressive in in those things and

So I think I'm a verse. I love it. So I can be dominant. Sub. Like, you know, I'm not binary as well. So I can go with the.

I can go with the flow about things. Meaning like I don't just consider myself to be boxed in as this type of partner. Sometimes you need me to be more like water, okay? I need to be more like water. You need me to be more like a rock for us, okay? I'll be more like a rock for us.

How did you know? Was there like a conversation or did you just know the moment when you first had your first polyamorous relationship? Like, how did you know that you were comfortable with that dynamic?

Well, I was already in a relationship and, and the person who was attracted to me was also attracted to my partner. And so they made it very clear and we just made it work. Okay. Would you, would you continue to have those type of relationships again? Like are you still interested in that or has anything changed?

Sure, I'm open to love. You know, I'm like, I think, you know, I love going to weddings and, you know, there are certain traditions that I love and congratulations, I know you're engaged. So I honor love. And I think they'll love comes in different variations. And that is what I love about polyamory is it just shows us like, just in the same way, like I don't have just one best friend.

I have multiple best friends and I love y'all, you know, and we love each other and we can all hang out. I don't just love one parent. I don't just love one aunt. Like, I love all of you and in relationships, you know, I think when intimate relationships, partnerships, I think that if we can talk about what we need and what works for all of us, and I'll tell you like,

It takes a lot of unlearning because we're conditioned, especially in this society, that this is what a union looks like. This is what, you know, it's two people in a relationship, you know.

It's like you're fighting against or not fighting against, but you're constantly having to unlearn the traditional way of what love looks like. And so I love to buy being my authentic self and us being our authentic selves. Challenge that notion.

Yeah, I love that because what is very frustrating and I love having conversations like this on my show because you're right, we were all raised with something that was like, this is the norm. And it's like, I'm so happy finally. I mean, there's so much work to be done. But like, even with sexuality and, you know, fluidity, it's just like,

What like it's very frustrating. I think for people that see it so clearly like let everyone do what they want to do and then people that are still so stuck in the way that they want things to have been done for thousands of years prior when you speak about polyamory like I can imagine there are people that are so judgmental of even that word like how do you even do that and like it's so small-minded and it's also like half the people that are saying that are speaking from a place of insecurity because I've seen people do it and be like

Isn't he cheating on his wife and like it's like there's so much judgment when when it something really frustrates someone I always believe like there's something internally that like is getting you going because why do you care so much? Yeah, but how did you I'm assuming at some point you have dealt with judgment and to anyone listening That's also maybe like going against the norm which fuck the norm. Let's just get everything normal. Yeah, how did you deal with that?

Yeah, always, always, always. People are intrigued. People think, you know, I think all sorts of things, but I think education is important. I mean, we have the internet. People can look things up. And I mean, my close friends are super supportive. You know, certain family members have been like, hmm, but for the most part, my circle of people that I have around have been supportive, even if they have questions and they wonder like, okay,

All right, because also people are trying to figure out, well, is that what I need or what we need? Because I've definitely been cheating on my significant other for a very long time. But after all, we just needed a third. We needed somebody else that loved us and we loved them.

to be a part of our union. People are scared. I understand that too. Some people are scared to go against tradition and some people come from conservative environments. I came from a conservative Baptist background where I was taught to fear everything. Even getting into the music industry, I was taught

to just fear, you know, don't be like this artist or don't be like that or, you know, it's just been a lot of unlearning and I get that. And I think though for me, I have to know that this is my life here on earth. I wasn't put here to follow every rule. I was put here to help rewrite them.

Yeah, I really appreciate you talking about that because it's just such a prevalent topic that still like is we again, we have so much movement that we need to keep doing. But I think having conversations like this, I'm curious to know like, how did you decide obviously being a public figure to speak openly about your sexuality?

Oh, how do I decide? It's sort of like decided for me because my art is a direct reflection of who I am. You know, I have Metropolis, which is my first EP. I have a lot of independent work I put out before that. And then I did the Ark Android, my first full-length album, Sweet. Then I did the Electric Lady, Dirty Computer, and all the way now to the age of pleasure. And all those projects that have come out,

I discovered that, I mean, I knew when I was a child that I was attracted to not just boys, but to women and to energies. I knew that. And because of my sort of conservative Baptist upbringing, it wasn't welcomed. I suppressed my sexuality. I suppressed my sensuality. I suppressed so much of me because I didn't feel safe. And so once I got to a place where, okay,

I know for sure for sure that I am attracted to these energies.

I'm going to honor that. And with each project, you can hear me and feel me getting more brave. You know, I created the Android, Cindy Mayweather, who was representative of, in my work, who was representative of the other, you know, the queer person, the black person, the non-binary person trans.

all of us who are pushed to the margins of society. And so I use that as a form of coping mechanism until I was brave enough to actually say it. And I think I was always dropping hints and I was getting more brave and less afraid. And then finally, because also I was in a relationship in what some would say,

You know, it was a lot of things like, you know, understanding, you know, polyamory is was something that I wanted to explore. Well, if you're already in a relationship, you have to go have conversations with that person's family. Well, what does that mean for you guys? And so I could not talk publicly about certain things because they impacted my real everyday life. You know what I'm saying? Like when I got off the stage, I would also have to go see

these communities that I was a part of and like if they heard about it through you know any other thing outside of like me saying it then what does that mean and I just wasn't ready to have those sorts of conversations and so I guess to answer your question like you know I just got brave over time and once I also felt like I had community because the albums and the art and music

What it also does is it signals like, hey, I'm out here, I'm out here. And then you meet people who come to your shows and you meet other artists and people, other humans who are like, oh, I identify with that or I fuck with that. And then we become friends and you have a community now that supports you, that sees you, that even if your family you were born into doesn't support your see you, you have support.

And so once I felt supported and I felt safe enough, that's when I started to become even more brave. And I started to be courageous in the way that I started to live my life. And I think right now what I am doing, I've done this privately, is that I'm honoring all of me.

I'm not closing off, you know, my sensuality anymore. I'm not closing off my sexuality, my polyamory. If you listen to only have eyes 42, you know, that's honoring that sort of union. If you're listening to hot from the age of pleasure or champagne shit or even float, you know, you know, I'm feeling much lighter now. I float. I had to let some things go.

to get to this place and fear of not being accepted was one of them. And once I got over that hump, everything started to change for me.

community when you were saying that like I hope everyone listening if you're sitting listening to this or watching this in your room and you haven't been able to fully embrace your sexuality whether it's people around you you're afraid how they're gonna accept you like there are so many people out there that will love you and like are so having the same feelings as you and so just don't limit yourself to just the people that you've been assigned as

Absolutely. Absolutely. It gets better. Yep. As you start walking, whenever you're ready, don't feel pressure too. Yeah. Because I mean, there were moments where I felt the pressure to talk. Like, interviewers would, they would just speculate based on my appearance because I was wearing a suit. They were like, Hmm, you're a lesbian. Like, that's what I would get.

You're a lesbian. And you know, as I was trying to discover who I was and I didn't identify with being a lesbian, you know, and I had lesbian friends. I love my lesbian family, but like people would say certain things and try to force me to out what I was. Well, if you're not a lesbian, then what are you? And so I wasn't ready. So don't feel also feel pressured to talk about your sexuality. It is a private

It can be as private or as public as you want it to be. For me, it was seeping out into my art so much that like, I'm like, yeah, this is me. This is who I am. And I wanted to also free a lot of people who were in their rooms, who could be in their rooms right now listening.

Like you have family, you have a church, even outside of the church that you went to. If they disown you, like there is a big church around the world with people who will affirm you, people who are like you. Your identity is not new. Like it's been happening. We're here. We're showing up for each other. And I love you. I love you.

When I was researching, I read somewhere you don't refer to opening up to others about your sexuality as coming out but rather coming in. Can you explain that? I didn't actually come up with that terminology of coming in. I just thought it resonated with me more. A guy by the name of John, I forgot his last name but I heard him say it and he's a queer black man and I heard him and I was like, that's exactly what it is.

It is bringing people, bringing people into our worlds. I'm letting you in on who I am versus like, you guys are the norm. And I'm just like, Hi, I'm out here. Like, no, I'm letting you in to my world, which is sacred, which should be respected and appreciated. Most certainly not apologetic about it.

I love that. You're so right because it's like I'm letting you in on who I am. I don't you don't deserve me. I don't have to come out to you. I don't owe you anything. Exactly. Like when I feel comfortable, I'll let you like come clean. Yeah, you're come out of the closet. Yeah. I'm sorry. I've been here. You just.

must not have seen me. Um, or I'm not even you must not have seen me. You must think that you and your, or you know what? Let's not even talk about it. No, I was going to go down a whole stream. I could do. I could do. Yeah. How about this? Do you have a mantra you come back to when it comes to people who actively do not agree with the way that you live? Oh, yeah, I do. I have so much. I wish I had my phone with me. Um,

But I think it comes down to power. I think when you give your power up to folks, people's opinions have more power over you than how you feel about you. That's, I think, where things take that turn, where the depression sets in, where the constant need for approval comes in. And I think I'm a powerful ass motherfucker. Really?

you're powerful. We're all powerful, right? We all hold gifts that we have. And I think that, you know, again, how I think about myself has to be more powerful than someone who is trying to take me down through their negativity, who is trying to oppress me through their fear. My power and my love for myself is greater than that.

Mike drop. Yeah. Mike drop. What is something when it comes to dating and love that you know now that you wish you knew when you were younger? Oh, she's man. Um,

I would say, I wish I had discovered vibrators a long time ago. Honestly, it's so fun to experience that with your partner. It's phenomenal. It's so great. It's like, what? Going to the sex shop? I remember when I first went, see, again, when you come from those conservative background, a sex shop, I was full sunglasses on. Do not have me in here.

Oh my God. What am I? Oh my God, please. Nobody take photos of me. Like I did not know. Right. I did not know the world of vibrators. I did not know the clitoral stimulation that you and your the fun y'all can have with one. You know, it doesn't necessarily have to be penetration. It's life changing.

Right? How about you? I remember I didn't have one and my friend bought me one for my birthday in college. And I remember like the first time I tried something was the back of my electric toothbrush. And I was like... I ain't on front. No. The electric toothbrushes. If you forget, just go buy you a brand new one.

It's flaps. It's got me through. It's got me through. It is a lifesaver. And so I felt the same way, though, of my friend got me my first one. And then I was like, Oh my God, like I never have to have sex again. Like this isn't me. Right. Like it just allowed me to recognize that like I hold the power of like my own orgasm. And like I don't need someone else to make me feel

Amazing like I can do it myself because being taught like we grow up and it's just like the men will do this for you and like You and I'm like, why am I gonna wait for a motherfucker to give me or guys like this is amazing Exactly for a man or anyone to give you you can do it yourself. Yes, so I remember I felt the same way in New York I remember the first sex shop. I went to with my friend

I was not famous, but I was horrified just being like, I just can't make eye contact. And I think that just comes from like shame of like, we're not normalizing, like exploring your sexuality and enjoying especially as women, like enjoying sex, loving sex, being connected with your body. And I think it's so important that we start to have those conversations at younger ages, obviously in a safe way. But like,

Especially for young girls you just start to like feel shame and like you're doing something wrong And that's why so many women I truly believe like we have such a hard time in the beginning like Figuring out what works for us and knowing how to like get off because we were like it was basically like don't touch yourself You're a whore you're a slut and it's like

What? Or you're a deviant or like touching yourself, gross. You know, like if it was not, you go get a boyfriend and y'all, wait, but don't have sex actually until you're married. So go marry to have sex. Like I have cousins who actually married women just to have sex because they were just like, God won't. It's a lie. It's a lie. And I'm, I,

I will always just say my heart goes out to those of us who have clitoris and just not just those of us who are with clitoris, even for those of us who

have penises or whatever it is, the pleasure that we can give ourselves, like how that was stripped away from us. I just hope that we can reconnect again with our bodies and reclaim our bodies. That's the space that I'm in. Like I am reclaiming my sensuality, my sexuality, my pleasure, like unapologetically, like I'm not apologizing for talking about it, for taking time to myself.

To make up for lost times. I mean, I think I could have avoided a lot of just even sexual interactions with people who I didn't really like but I just was like, well, this is the only way that I can feel less shame about sex is if I do it with this person. But like, that leads to so much confusion sometimes if you don't really, really, really like this person and they don't really, really like you. And it's a whole thing. And so I think you actually avoid

you have less stress when you take matters into your own hands, literally. Absolutely, okay. Everyone listening today, we are entering our era of the art of pleasure, okay? We're taking it into our own hands. Yes, we are. I know we've been kind of like essentially talking about it this whole episode because we're talking about pleasure and finding our own voices to find that pleasure. But what has been the most rewarding part of making this soundtrack for you?

Yeah, I mean, just like, you know, we're talking about it's a soundtrack to a lifestyle. And I think so many people, or, you know, that I'm that I'm hearing, that's why I can't wait to go on tour. I'm on tour. Our first show is in Seattle, the end of August. We're on tour. So get your tickets. We have some more a little bit more available, but they're selling out right now. And I'll be on tour in North America through October 21st, the age of pleasure tour. And so to see how people are like,

making this their album, owning it. And like, with their friends, I see them just certain songs, they're like, oh my God, you're speaking to my heart. Like, I need it to hear float. I need it to give myself permission to let things go and to go into my, you know, a stage of like, what Hot is talking about. Like, I look good, I look sexy, I look handsome, like,

non-binary folks are feeling seen, trans folks are being seen. Like the community in which I tend it for it to be, and even outside of it, I think that you don't necessarily have to be a part of my community to vibe with it. I think that what it just represents is like even in the midst of chaos, you gotta find your pleasure. You have to make time for yourself. And I actually brought you something. What? What?

Oh my god. I was gonna say it's so cute. No, it's so cute. You know, I'm gonna do that. It's like it's so cute. I wanted to bring you a shirt.

And you need another side. No, this is so good. I'll give you another one. No, I'm, can I cut it like you? Yeah, cut it like me. I'm just copying you. But I've been staring at it. And like it's such a, it's yours. Thank you. I adore you. It's so dope. I wanted to bring you a hand. This is so good. I'm going to bring a hand. A hand written, um, autograph. That's what I mean to say. I autograph you.

a copy of my book that are released in 2021 called the memory to librarian.

Thank you so much. I'm very computer. And yes, this is bringing the gifts, right? And girl, I know you just got back from vacation. Like, you're giving us all, you're getting us in our fields. We're all ready to go have sex with our son. We got a book. We got a shirt. Come on. Okay. To anyone that is like, you got to tell us what is, if you have to pick, what is your favorite song on the soundtrack?

Oh, shoot. Wow. Everyone's going to go listen to this one. So, okay. It varies because I love a man. I mean, I hate to say it, but it's it's it's not a long album. I usually put out like, excuse me, like double albums. And with this one, I wanted you to want to replay it over and over and over again. I didn't want to

Excuse me, I didn't want it to be too long because this one was just on President Barack Obama's song of summer. Only have eyes 42 for two. So listen to that one. I mean, but I love every last song on this project. I'm having a hard time like figuring out what songs we're gonna play on tour. I think I might have to just play all of them. I don't know, but because I love, I also thought about them from a live perspective and

Just how fun it's going to be to perform champagne shizzing. It's going to be insane. I don't know. What songs were you vibing to? What are some of your favorites? I say champagne shit. Is it called Phenomenal? Mm-hmm. I really like that one. Featuring Doji? Yeah. It's a vibe where like...

I don't know, I really like that one. But again, it feels like it's a story that's being told. And you're just like, it's almost like an anthem vibe where you're just vibing the whole time. So I agree, I guess I couldn't pick one too, because you almost have to listen to it all together, start to finish, feel it.

Because a dry red is good, the last song I love. When I was writing this album, I wrote it with friends. I got to give a shout out to Nate Rocket Wonder, to Bueno, to Nana Quabana, and also the features. Some of my favorite things is just to look down and be like, OK, Grace Jones is literally on this album.

You know sister Nancy who is like bomb bomb, you know, we can't go anywhere at a party without hearing heard Jamaican influence Patra heard Jamaican influence when I think about

Nia Long, who is an incredible actress, coming and being a part of it. Amare, Dochi, who else? Fela, Kooti Sun, Shaehyun Kooti, lots of horns on this project, CKs on this project. I don't know. It's just so like such a beautiful love letter to the Diaspora and to

to music that again has gotten us through, you know, a lot of the influences come from a lot of my friends who were in, you know, who are from Nigeria at our parties, Ghana, South Africa, LA, New York, Atlanta, you know, all of us coming together and feeling safe, safe enough to explore, safe enough to be.

Janelle, I can't thank you enough for coming and calling her daddy. This was truly such a pleasure. I am so happy I got to sit in the same room with you and feel your energy. Thank you. Thank you. You are fantastic, Alex. Thank you so much for having me and all the beautiful work you do. Like, I don't really love doing lots of interviews, but you have a very great way of connecting human to human with folks. And I'm sure people tell you that a lot, but

I'll just say like I feel your aura and your energy through the screen and just congratulations on everything. You're fantastic. You're lovely. Thank you.