Hello, it's Friday, the 31st of January. I'm Miranda Sawyer, and I'm too messy, and then I'm too fucking clean. Welcome back to Paper Cuts with the Modern Newspaper Review. This is the show that gives you all the news that's fit to print, but edited like a highlight reel. Yes, it's all important to politics, novelty sex trends, 15 facts about dust, and are those actually trousers around here just for you?
And why not become a paper-cut supporter? For under £4 a month, you can get episodes with no adverts and with an added funny bit. So why not treat yourself now you've managed to get through to the last day of Never Injury? Just go to the show notes and click on the link.
Now, here are the headlines for today's show. Brick sit is back. Oh God, did it ever go away? Trump ends up in court, not the story you think it is, and sexting while momming. Is there nothing women can't do? Welcome to Paper Cuts. We read the papers, so you don't have to.
Thanks for joining us on Paper Cuts, where we've emailed our pitch, and now we're stalking the editor. I'm Miranda Sawyer, and joining me today is man who's actually started writing a new book, but let's keep plugging the most recent one, which is A History of the World in 47 Borders. It's John Ellich. Hi, John. Please don't make me think about the new book. Doing the show is meant to be the respite from worrying about that.
And also joining us is co-host of Contender Ready, an unofficial gladiators podcast, and woman who is appearing at a comedy venue near you. It's Jessica Fostagu. Hi Jessica. Hiya, thanks for having me. Well, it's a pleasure.
I'm like quite shocked that you would say that. Of course I'm having you come. So what have we got on the front page today John? What's going on in the serious world of paper?
It's a really cheerful day of the Guardian. Watch, dog, women face an epidemic of violence. That's a national audit office report showing. Well, it's always nice to quantify what we already know, isn't it? Trump blames diversity hires for deadly air crash. Of course he does. Holocaust survivor in protest at German vote.
That's about German MPs passing an anti-immigration motion with the support of the far-right alternative for Deutschland. There's also a lovely picture of Marianne Faye for, because she's just died. But on the plus side, Bridget Jones is back. Oh, whoopee did he do? All right, Miranda, there's no need for that, is there?
Over on the times, there's genuinely pretty devastating picture of that helicopter in the Potomac, above pictures of some of those who've died in the accident. Again, Trump blames diversity after 67 killed in US air crash. Legal chief, quote, is freezing policy. This is an attack on the, quote, activist attorney general, Lord Herma. Are they an activist? Are they not just an attorney general?
Apparently, ministers have told the times that Lord Homer Casey's moves to significantly increase the power of government lawyers were delaying policies for even for a relatively marginal risk. That sounds like it's maybe a bad thing, but then again, it is coming from the times. See what I have in the agenda. The lovely picture on the front of the times today, though, is of David Beckham with his top off. Again, Beckham in his pants. It's like a perennial, isn't it? Has Beckham still got it at 49? Discuss?
We will not be discussing. Oh, we're not. Sorry. The eye, exclusive treat patients at home to prevent NHS hospital bed blocking, street entails health pluses. Hang on, they had that headline a week ago, exactly that headline.
Well, also, I'm questioning the idea that this is an exclusive, because 20 years ago, I was reporting on the health service, and this was policy then. And there are structural reasons it's difficult to do. You need to build shit. You need to build local care centers that people can go to near their homes to make that possible. And we clearly don't have the money to do that. So we're street and can tell health bosses what he likes. I don't think this is going to happen. Finally, from me, the daily telegraph, which I'm going to try a new voice.
The farmland act from net zero. It's very convincing. I'm nerfed by myself, I have to say. One pound in every 15 spent on benefits is either fraud or mistake. And double trouble, pictures of Nigel Farage and David Frost. Not the good one. We'll be talking about that in the next section. That's all for me.
How do you beat that? How do you beat that? Well, you've got the fun paper, so maybe there will be fun, Jessica. So much fun. Oh, yeah, let's start with the sun. It rhymes with fun. Princess Kate is back doing duties. She's been joining him as some painting with children in a hospice. OK, that's the end of the fun.
The main story on the front of the sun is that the sun's defense editor, Jerome Starkey, has been issued with a Russian arrest warrant for daring to report on the war in Ukraine. And Kiyastama said, we've got your back, Jerome. What's the headline? The headline is, how bloody dare you? How bloody dare you? Yeah, so it didn't sound like a fun story, but now it does.
Yeah. Okay. And the little mirror. Little fun and games to the polonium comes out.
Yeah, I know that is, it's all quite jolly and breezy, isn't it? But if I'd been slapped with one of those arrest warrants, I would be very much wearing plastic gloves before opening my own front door. Okay, so then we're on to the Daily Mirror. The main headline is shameful, fury at Trump's new low. It's the horrific helicopter aeroplane crash in Washington. And the fact that Donald Trump has come out and said this is an awful tragedy caused by the fact that there weren't enough
straight white cis men working that night. Absolutely bizarre, but kind of unsurprising. I don't think they could do anything surprising now. He could do a whole press conference after a tragedy like that with his dick out and I don't think anyone would be surprised now.
It's pretty, yeah. Well, we kind of metaphorically is. Yeah. Okay. And then yes, Marianne Faithful has passed away at the top of the page and also family in two jags funeral tribute to true Labour hero, John Prescott has last laugh. I think, yes, a story about his funeral. Onto the Daily Mail. Main story is, oh, I want to do the voice. Can I copy the voice? Please do. I think this does need doing in the same voice as a telegraph, actually.
Now prove your growth agenda is an old hot air. Is that what I sound like? Yeah, exactly. Just like that. Yes, apparently the male want Starmer to prove that he really wants economic growth and overturn Ed Miliband's opposition to the North Sea oil fields, which I think yesterday or the day before a court in Scotland have said will be illegal to continue.
to set those up, Rosebank and Jackdaw projects. It's a fascinating argument here from the Daily Mail. They want growth of an economy for a nation that they assume can continue to exist if we continue to mine it. It's a bit like the farming one, isn't it, to be honest? Good luck farming, a flooded inferno. It's a lovely place for the animals to live. Okay, and last, it's the Daily Star. I'm a get an adder here. The main story.
On the daily start is that in 2032, 100-metre-wide asteroid is going to hit Britain. Oh, thank God. Specifically Britain. Specifically at 5.25 AM as well, which is rude. And on the 22nd of December. What? Yes. Oh, ruined Christmas. It's never ending fun. Now, across the top of the telegraph is a story that, to be honest, we had assumed was all over. We'll never be over. We're never going to be over.
If you didn't want to talk about Europe for the rest of your natural life, you should have voted remain, Britain. Anyway, apparently not. It is not over, because here are Nigel Farage and Lord Frost, two dashing Brexiteers, to bang on about the glorious sunny uplands of Britain leaving Europe that were still apparently missing. So, John, what are they going on about? So, the Telegraph is doing this because this week marks the fifth anniversary of the UK's departure from the European Union.
Should we, like, do one of them poppers? Pop! Woohoo! I mean, maybe the other sort of popper would actually feel more appropriate out of this juncture. Anyway, they're running a series of essays on how to save Brexit from expert commentators, which is a fantastic dangling modifier, isn't it? So, first off, the Ferrari's one is a bit weak. I'm not going to lie to you. It's not his best work. He's phoning it in.
The headline is five years on. We still haven't taken back control. Let's get it done. The sub-head is reform will execute the policies the British people want. It says reform would turn back the small boats. It's not clear how it complains about immigration, but he doesn't say how he would reduce that.
Really, he just wants to attack her, and he calls Starmother Remainer in chief. He says Reform UK would have as many bonfires as it took to get the EU's red tape out of Britain for good. To send the message to the EU chiefs, we are never coming back. I don't think the EU chiefs care at this point. I think they believe we're never coming back. Most unnervingly of all, he talks about doing something with Northern Ireland.
Oh yes, I read that. He said, Northern Ireland is in Limbo land in EU inspired Limbo land. Hundreds of pieces of legislation there still conform to EU standards not to British standards. This is a travesty. A reform UK government would tackle this straightaway. We would cut regulation and truly unshackle this great country and its people.
Now, I don't actually know that much about Northern Ireland and its politics, but as I understand it, I think there are reasons that Northern Ireland has a different relationship to the EU that the island of Great Britain does at this point, and I think it might potentially be risky to start trying to unpick that.
Literally, I wrote, I made my notes underneath that bit of the Northern Ireland water. Is he mental? The problem is yes. Yes, yes, yes. Well, he is meant to be promising to deliver something. We've already got none of us asked for two Brexit's Christ. Yeah, exactly. That was what was on the ballot, thanks very much.
But it's all he's got. He's like one of those one hit wonders that just needs to play the hits. That's his only run. I think he's even missing on some of his own hits. There's an article about this in the Express, which ends with him bragging that Brexit was the reason Britain could lead the way during Covid, as it did when it came to vaccine development. And that's bold, considering how many of his supporters think that vaccines are largely made out of secret 5G microchips.
He's a very odd man, I have to say. But what about- Shall we talk about Lord Frost? Yes, let's talk about Lord Frost. His is different, isn't it? Okay, now, before I get into Lord Frost, I want to say, and bear in mind, I'm aware of the hypocrisy here, given that I do, you know, have opinions for a living. But who does this fucker think he is?
Like nobody asks for all, at least Nigel Farage has a constituency. Yeah. I mean, literally. But there are people who like Nigel Farage. I am not one of them. But he has spent many years building up a political support base. Who the fuck is Lord Frost? Who asked for him? Exactly. But every week he's telling us what he should be doing. He dismisses polling, showing that Brexit is unpopular on the grounds that opinion can change, even though this is the very weak. It's support for Brexit. It's actually hit a new low, just 11%.
A people think it's been more of a success and a failure. Get over it. Bloody goes on forever. He compares Brexit to the Battle of Waterloo. Yeah, it's so weird. It's really flowery, isn't it? He attacks Ireland for its inward-looking and graceless political class, which I thought was a nice move. His best argument, to be fairies, he says that doesn't being outside the EU seem kind of normal.
Yeah. And, you know, to an extent, it's been five years. You can get used to anything, can't you? I've got a curtain rail that's hanging off the ceiling, and there's been like that for three years. I've got used to that as normal, because that's just what my flat does. Doesn't mean it's good. Doesn't mean it's working the way you'd want a curtain rail to work, does it?
Yeah, I thought that argument was quite interesting though because I do think there is a feeling like so what he says is pre So pre-Brexit he's like oh have we forgotten how it used to be those loads of rouse about our budget contribution and summit meetings and The fishing conflicts the beef wars is what do you remember those beef wars? So like that's my cow disease, wasn't it?
Now that was a good story. It was the French going, no, we don't want any of this British beef because of the diseases. Exactly. So like he's basically saying, look, it used to be a lot of chuntering about the EU. And now we haven't got that. So maybe we should be happy about that. And there's an element of that that I agree with. But the chuntering was just the Tory party. Like it was just them that was... And it's still going... I mean, it's literally, what does he think is happening if he is not in a national newspaper, continuing the chant?
Yes. That is what is happening right now. We're still fucking talking about there. He's been chunched, stunted. It's a chunterthon. Can I, before we move?
I think we all knew that was coming. I think it's the only reason I'm here to be honest. Before we move on to talk about something actually entertaining, can I talk briefly about the front of the Daily Express? Yes, it's very exciting. We've got the Daily Express in today. We never have the Daily Express. I made Liam the producer by it, especially, because I think this is a stunningly telling front page. Exclusive Nigel Farage issues warning five years on from leaving EU. We need people who believe in Brexit.
That's their big front-page story. Farage is saying we need more people in government who believe and breaks it. Immediately above that is that picture of a helicopter half to submerged in the Potomac because a right-wing government has come into office and started dismantling things it doesn't understand without going to any effort to understand why the system currently works. There is a concept in the history of conservatism called Chesterton's Fence.
which argues, if you don't understand why fence is there, you probably shouldn't remove it. Because it's probably there for a good reason just because you don't see the reason. That doesn't mean that you can get away without that fence. And I think the right on both sides of the Atlantic completely forgotten that. And I just think this daily express front page is an incredible summation of it by juxtaposing those two stories.
Now, in the mail a couple of days ago was a court report of an unusual online crime. So unusual, actually, that the judge involved said it was the very first time they'd come across it as to. Anyway, we felt this misdemeanor needed some paper cuts analysis. And so, dear listeners, we bring you the sordid details of this very of-the-moment crime. Jessica, what is this new crime? OK, it's harassment. You've heard of it.
but you didn't know you could go down for it for this particular offence. 25-year-old Carnarvon woman, Rihanna Nevins, has been convicted of harassment of her partner's ex because she sent her repeated messages of the sound of her farting.
She's farted at her again and again and again. She's farted at her. I'm going to be quite specific here, and I hope this is OK to go into now that the case is over. We can consider the details publicly. Thank God. We couldn't name her before. Couldn't name her before. No, she was just the fatter.
Well, it's her own protection. It's for her own protection. And we must take that seriously. She would video the fart. She would put the phone incredibly close to her anus. And then she would show her smiling face. Now, everything about this story is perfect. It's the best thing I've ever read in the Daily Mail. It's so well written. It's glorious because of the formal legal discourse and linguistics, but all apply to farts.
So long story short, from now on, I'm going to rename all my farts. No longer calling them farts, I'm calling them all malicious communications. And the real highlight of the whole article, and it's all we hear really from the victim, is in her statement, she said, I would like to feel safe in my home.
Now, I don't know what she's built her house out of, but is it straw or sticks? She needs to read a few more, few more kids fairy tales, really. I'm worried about the sort of structural integrity of the victim's home. If she is genuinely, well, I mean, there's a climate crisis, guys. I mean, also how forceful, how forceful were these malicious communications? Yeah, that is fantastic. And the whole article ends with just the most perfect side swipe from
The convicted Rihanna who just said why didn't she just block me? It's such a beautiful article because the person who's written it is obviously as delighted as we are, so there's loads of kind of hidden jokes. But I feel like we should read out a little bit of what the prosecutors said because it was very specific.
Oh, so for legal reasons, right? Obviously, for legal reasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, this is the first case involving, quote, cyber farting. So this cyber farting. This is a new crime, cyber farting. Prosecuted Diane Williams told Magistrates, Navan, that in the first video, the accused proceeds to pass gas by placing the camera on her bottom and passing the gas.
All right, and then she does, she senses, and then there's three more. And then the minute is coming. Sorry. Oh, that's staying in. Yeah. That's absolutely going in the show. I think we all know that. And then in the next few days, there's another four of the same nature. Quote, Miss Evans passing wind her face smiling at the camera. And then the male says, her tooting.
continued unboxing day and New Year's Day despite police getting wind of what is excellent and anyway so there's you know various reasons at the time this is another court quote she sent these videos she'd had some drinks
She sent them understanding now that this has caused the victim some distress. She sent them without malicious intent. Anyway, she's got like, you know, there's a sentence. She's got 15 rehabilitation sessions. What are they? I mean, how do you rehabilitate somebody from that? Presumably they're going to involve some kind of bun.
Just like a bung and a lesson in airplane mode. 60 days alcohol abstinence monitoring and a two-year restraining order plus 100 pounds compensation, £199 costs. You mustn't contact the victim. Yeah. I mean, it's an absolutely wonderful, very short article and cyber farting. To be honest, I think it might catch on. I mean, it's illegal, but it really might. Can they read out the last sentence? Please read the last sentence, though. Evans had a difficult upbringing.
It's the only story I've ever read in the mail that has a punchline that's wonderful.
Now, it's Friday, which means it's time for the world's one and only newspaper headline-based podcast competition. Fix a headline. Yes, every week, we riffle through the papers to find a fab story with a sad headline and get you the paper cuts listeners to think up a better one. And this week, we've got a story from The Star, and it's about mid-life crisis. Apparently, it doesn't exist anymore. The headline? It's not been my experience.
I wrote a hard entire book about this, so I disagree. The headline, it's the end of the mid-life crisis, which is just rubbish. If you think you can do better, you definitely can. Send in your ideas with the hashtag FixTheHeadline to at PaperCutsShow on Blue Sky, Threads or World of Hate, sorry, X. We'll read out the best ones on Monday and the very best. We'll win a PaperCuts t-shirt. And what about today? Have we got any good headlines? So John, you have the star, right? They have the star, yes.
So page two, Royal Mail's second-class post deliveries on Saturdays will be ditched under off-con plans. The regulator said the move, about keeping first-class deliveries six days a week, will meet postal users' needs. It's not a very interesting story, if I'm honest, but the headline, posts are pain in the class.
I'm paying in the glass. That's just a rubbish headline. Oh, my God. I mean, it's funny. No, it's funny. On page three, we have a story about supermarkets. Lidl is set to open the UK's first in-store pub. Yeah. Is that a good idea, I wonder? The budget supermarket will set up a booster at its branch in Dundall, Northern Ireland, which will serve beer, wine, cider and spirits. However, Lidl has yet to say how much a pint will cost. The headline is...
Oh, this is a two-for-one deal. Fancy a little sesh. Yeah. But don't get trolleys. Oh, that's very good. I'm very happy with that. Yeah, that's all right.
Oh, yes, I'm so glad we're doing this story. Zombie spiders infected with a new brains-apping fungal virus are invading the UK. The terrifying mind-mashing parasite, named after Sir David Attenborough, is turning the eight-legged creatures into freaks. It was first found during filming for the BBC's Winterwatch program on all-breathing spiders in caves in Northern Ireland. So this is like, you know, those stories about wasps, the fungus that gets into the wasp and kind of
turns them into like these zombie creatures that climb to the top of trees and then all the spores go everywhere. It's basically like the last of us. It's the real last of us. Oh my God, with spiders. This is happening with spiders and the headline, walking dread. Wow, it is walking dread. Also, while we're on this story, I would just like to point out the incredible clip art efforts trailing this story. They've literally found some clip art of a very cute spider
Yeah, with bobbly eyes. So, you think, oh, that's a cute spider. I guess I'll see what that story's about. Jesus Christ! OK, Jessica, you also have the star. The star is, shall we say, on fire today?
OK, I can't read this story without looking right down the measis of David Beckham. Just to be clear, that's 99% of page seven of the star. But also, oh, that is the story. OK, yeah, he's basically he's got down to his underkicks for a photo shoot age 49. That's the whole story. And the headline is Golden Smalls.
I kind of feel that it could have just said golden balls. Do you know what I mean? Even that spread leg pose. I joked about looking right into his sole virus genitals there. They have done what they always do in these situations, and they've sort of airbrushed it into a generic area. That's for the best. It's quite action, man. Yes. It's just got a kind of, yes, an innocuous mound. What else? Is that not normal?
I reckon it probably was Gordon Bull's and then there was an editorial conference. Yeah, maybe not. OK, on page 11 of the star, it's Princess Kate has had her hands painted red to make a print on a visit to a children's hot space. That's the story in their card, if the headline is.
Prince and Princess. Oh, Prince Peter. Prince. That's so nice. Yeah. She's such a lovely lady. Oh, yeah. It's a lovely, lovely lady. Oh, yeah. I'd shake her hand, even covered in paint. I feel sorry for all those bastards, if I'm honest. OK, OK. Page 14.
So, the story is that 80s anthem, Eye of the Tiger, is the top tune to get people in the mood for work, apparently. The Survivor theme from Rocky III was the most popular song to play on the commute to the office. Oh, what does that say about how people feel about their jobs? That they need to listen to that and to get themselves psyched up. Oh, God, it's so creepy. Anyway, sorry. My bad. The headline is,
I-ho, I-ho, it's off to work we go. That's a great headline. Now, in The Times this week, friend of the pod Rebecca Reed has a long and excellent piece about using the apps when you've just had a child. Special mention for the photos of her in traditional woman in the paper block colours.
Anyway, sexting on play dates, confessions of a newly single mother is the headline. Jessica, you've read this piece. What did you think of it? I loved it. Me too. Yeah, I love this story for her and I love this outcome for her. So it's brilliantly written and it escalates as it goes on. There's this really lovely crescendo. So in brief without ruining it, because you should read it. Oh, mind you, we've read it so you don't have to. I just remember that. Okay, let me tell you everything that happens in it.
Forgive me. Yeah, so she went through a divorce while her child was while her baby was tiny and around eight months into being a parent, her sister suggested her she should have some fun. She thinks, I can't, you know, I'm so busy being a mum, trying to work, trying to hold it all together, like she creeps onto the apps.
And she starts to have the absolute time of her life. She realizes there is an unending reservoir of joy in the amount of fun you can have being flirted with, et cetera. And there's a really transgressive, brave incongruity with the part of her life that she is putting aside to parent. She sort of explains again and again that
Parenting didn't suffer as a result of her also reclaiming her identity and self-worth, certainly in her body, et cetera, during this time. And it just sounds so fun. I read this whole thing thinking, God, you're brave. Whilst I'm reading it, I'm also simultaneously hearing the backlash that you're going to get from this in terms of there's a world of people who believe that when you're a parent, that should be your sole focus and that you are sort of blurred into that. Your previous identity becomes this new one entirely. I think this is so brilliant.
And I'm so happy for her. It's sort of, yeah, the whole article shines with delicious, transgressive incongruity. I particularly love, actually, there's a paragraph that ends with her scrolling through an absolute sea of D next to a sleeping baby. And then the next paragraph opens with a study by the Red Cross. But you can relax. The Red Cross haven't started studying hinge and field. They're studying lonely mums. So, yes.
There's a real high point. There's an interaction with her ex where she had been communicating with the guy she was seeing. And she'd written this guy's name across her chest. And she later is in person's, you know, interacting with her, the father of her baby, her ex. And she leans forward and he sees the name. Oh, God, it's so good. Yeah. I don't think that would have accidents.
No, possibly not. It's really good, though, isn't it? Because what she does, I mean, she's a great writer, so it's really well-structured. It reads like a rom-com. You can see everything about it. But the bits that I quite like, it's basically where she's contrasting, there's quite a lot of, like, when you have a small child, a little baby, it's quite boring, you know, not that you don't love them, but there's things that you have to do that are quite boring. So she's sitting around with lots of other women, you know, on the... Sorry, baby's a charming, but thick. And they're so repetitive, aren't they? Not a great conversation, though.
They really aren't. They don't want to do what you want to do. So like, you have to, you know, she's got a baby on her lap. They're singing songs and stuff like that. But she is literally, and she can feel her phone just buzzing in her pocket with loads and loads of kind of sexy texts, which obviously she's not looking at because she's looking after her baby. But then there's a point when the baby is asleep, when she content to this, it's just really fun. It's great. I love this piece because it's, you know, it's sex positive. It's non-judgmental, but it doesn't spend the whole thing talking about how much admin there is involved.
which is quite unusual for pieces in the papers about people who are having a lot of sex. It generally does just kind of devolve into like paperwork quite quickly. My favorite bit was when she talks about how like she didn't tell these guys immediately that she was a new mother because like your friends are suggested that maybe she shouldn't do that. It might attract abuse and so on. So she chapped them for a bit and eventually she used to say, oh yeah, I live with a housemate who's not yet one.
And that's the end of today's Papercuts, thanks to John. Thank you. And thanks to Jessica. Thank you. And don't forget to join the Papercuts supporters' club for fewer ads, more laughs and some excellent extra bits. Plus, every supporter gets a shout out. John. Thanks, and no matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside. Ross Wardlaw.
Thanks. What am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for you. Joe Holman. Thanks. And do you believe in life after love? Laura? Yes, that's just... Laura. One name. Light share. I've been more undersoya and you've been listening to paper cuts on a day when the Metro tells us that a baby born in a crispy cream donut shop has been awarded a whole year of free donuts.
It's a baby. It's a baby. Baby can't eat doughnuts. Would you like that about babies? She's not going to give it sugar until it's one. That's a... Give it to it. So pregnant friends, when you're about to drop, don't call an ambulance, get to Greg's. See you next time.
Papercuts is written and presented by me, Miranda Sawyer, with John Ellidge and Jessica Foster-Q. Audio production by Tom Taylor, production by Liam Tate. Music by Simon Williams and designed by James Parrott. The managing editor is Jacob Jarvis. The executive producer is Martin Boytosch and the group editor is Andrew Harrison. Papercuts is a podmaster's production. Sexting while momming. Is there nothing women can do?
You missed the point of the piece there.
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