Hello, it's Monday the 27th of January. I'm Miranda Soya and I wonder if this month will ever, ever end. Welcome back to Papercuts, the modern newspaper review. Papercuts is the place where we let the UK press be its true self. Where the eye can wang on about pensions and interest rates, the telegraph can pop a rivet over Britain's rampant wokery. The male can tell every single woman just exactly how and where she's doing it all wrong.
and the star can get froth over the weather-boths again. And why not become a paper-cut supporter? For under £4 a month, you can get episodes with no adverts and with an added funny bit, so wait till Friday when we all finally get paid and splash out. Just go to the show notes and click on the link. Now, here are the headlines for today's show. A long time in politics, Donald Trump's been in power for a week. What's he been up to?
Two Donnekebabs and a pint of Vimto judging a date by what they eat and fluffy on the top skin tight down below. We've got all the new fashion trends for you. Welcome to Papercuts. We read the papers so you don't have to.
Thanks for joining us on Paper Cuts, where if you've got the word count, we've got the opinion. I'm Miranda Sawyer and joining me today is LBC's Saturday Night Presenter and a woman who loves a duvet coat. It's Natasha Devon, hi Natasha. Hello. And also joining us is host of The Way They Were and Sertia for the Perfect Duffle. It's Granny Maguire, hi Granny. It's Paddington Bear but make a fashion.
So what have we got on the front pages today, Natasha? You've got the serious papers. What's going on? I have. Let's start with the daily telegraph, shall we? Get it out of the way? Yeah. So they're talking about the fact that Starmer and Trump have had a 45-minute telephone conversation. Apparently, Starmer is the first European leader that Trump has picked up the phone to. You know why? Because he speaks English.
But by all accounts, it was a bit of a love-in, and Trump said that he thought that Starmer was doing a very good job. They avoided talking about contentious issues, one of which is apparently Peter Mandelson. I think he'd love that. I'd be like, what? My two... Oh, too much drama, right, mate? Still goddess? That's fucking it.
Yeah, that can't mention it. Still too messy. And they've just dropped in here where she's slightly worrying that apparently we're going to have less regulation in order to boost the economy and on Wednesday we're going to be hearing from Rachel Reeves about what precisely they mean by that. I know and you can't see but Miranda's pulling exactly the right face.
We just need to get on with that. You have to say Trump is inspirational. None of these words should be the same sentence. I'm sorry to disappoint you both, but there is a headline about Rachel Reeves.
Also on the front of the telegraph. Apparently she plans to return to the EU by the back door. Now, this is interesting because recent polling has shown the majority of British people support the idea of closer ties with the EU, but we're in the land of telegraph now. So they have to report it as though it's terrible news. She's been accused of trying to get closer to the EU by stealth. So that's the telegraph.
Then we turn to the I, they are leading with A&E patients may be treated at home in streetings overhaul of the NHS. Can we just stop there? Yeah. So you break your leg. Yes. Right? And instead of waiting for an ambulance.
What happens? Say if my daughter breaks her leg, do I then operate or what happens? Well, this is interesting because it says that urgent and life threatening cases will still be seen by medics in hospital and A&E. But also, you're often told to go to A&E if there's not capacity at your local GP surgery to see you. So what are we saying? That your GP is going to come to your home and that's a more efficient way of running things than just giving you a fucking appointment.
No, I love the drama of us, because if you remember the 19th century, you just sort of lie on a fainting couch and a doctor would come with a little bag and like tap your forehead and be like, she may not make the night. And I want that bag.
We need the vapors. So we're turning the vapors. So it's Gronye is the only person on the sidelines cheering on West Street thing with this genuinely ludicrous idea. So then we go to the Times. They're also reporting on this conversation between Stama and Trump, but they have chosen to lead with the fact that Trump apparently wants all NATO countries to increase their spending on defence to 5% of GDP.
Now currently we're at 2.3% and Starmer's saying by 2030 we might be up to 2.5% but anything more than that is unrealistic. So they say Starmer to defy Trump over cash for defence. And then the Guardian, Trump accused of ethnic cleansing over call for Palestinians to quit Gaza. So he's saying that the
millions of people who have been able to return to what's left of their homes in Northern Gaza should now disperse to countries like Jordan and Egypt who have already said we're not going to accept Palestinian refugees. But he's clearly trying to clear the area. And I don't know if you heard there was a clip of him recently doing the rounds where he was saying, oh, you know, Gaza's by the sea. It's a beautiful location. And you just know that that guy is eyeing it up to build a
resort there. It's just hideous, absolutely hideous. And then sorry to mention her again, but Rachel Reeves hints at backing third Heathrow runway. She loves the news. Rachel Reeves is going to issue a speech about how I think winter should last another month. We just need to grow up and get on with her.
Okay, Gronya, you've got the fun papers. What's going on? Well, so fun and then some quite serious headlines with the Daily Mirror. There's a very touching Holocaust memorial, eight years on, I'm here for my family. Then the Daily Mail, they say 4 million face monster hike to council tax. So that's bills could rise up to 25% in the most cash strapped.
in the most cash-strapped local authorities at mid-growing threat of bankruptcies. And then there's a lovely picture of Holly Willoughby, and I think she's sort of got, it's sort of like a wicked nod to wicked, I think. She's sort of dressed up a bit like a fairy. Yeah, she's got a sort of Ariana Grande look.
and her return to ITV. The Sun cops hunt two million Ted Lasso raiders. So that's a story that houses that were featured in the TV comedy. Ted Lasso have been broken into by gangs over the weekend. And then Daily Star wave of storms hit UK. Four new storms will hit Britain this week, bringing the wildest weather for decades.
Headline is, four blimey, four blimey. Good to see this day of taking climate change seriously. It loves the weather though, it's the weather when the weather.
Now, it seems like a lifetime, but it was just one week ago that Donald Trump took office in a fanfare of tech-bro-tit-lettery, stay-back-wife-cats, an actual Nazi salute and various other fun-party games. Since then, it's fair to say
Trump and his crew have hit the ground running, enacting a lot of governmental moves before the Democrats have even mocked up their own tears. OK, Natasha, can you give us a list of what has been happening without us collapsing into nervous breakdowns?
I will try. Thank you. So very quick overview. He has pardoned the vast majority of the people who were involved in the January 6 insurrection, which has sparked fears that he essentially now has his own private militia. He has said that America are going to leave the World Health Organization. He has suspended foreign aid
He's backed biblical claims to Palestinian land from the Israelis, which has sparked fears that there's going to be more violence in the West Bank. He has talked about withdrawing from the Paris climate agreement.
and also seeking to remove citizenship based on birthright. So people who are born in the United States will no longer automatically be United States citizens. He's canceled travel for refugees. He's put all diversity, equity and inclusion staff who are employed at government level on leave. And a terrifying email was sent to them, which said, if we find out that you're doing diversity, equity and inclusion by stealth, there's going to be consequences.
How did you invite yourself? Who knows? Accidentally hiring a person of colour. We need to track that. Being nice to someone that doesn't look like you. He has fired 17 independent watchdogs and he wants all government employees to pledge personal loyalty to him as opposed to the United States Constitution.
We also learned that a MAGA senator has put forward an amendment to the constitution saying that Donald Trump can run for a third term. Shouldn't be too worried about that because we need 35 states to ratify that in order for that to go forward. However, there's also speculation that when the end of that four years comes around, Donald Trump will just say, there's no need for another election. I'm just going to stay here. So that's that. Are you in a pit of despair?
I would like to talk about something that is one of the things that he said. He wants to buy Greenland. Yes. Okay. But does he think that's just what Ireland is called?
No, he doesn't like Ireland because of Biden. He's like, no, I reject that Greenland. I want this Greenland. And he phoned up the country's prime minister, and he spoke to the Danish prime minister, who's called Metaphrederexan for 45 minutes. Can I just say? Same as Al-Qaeda. But he was a bit rude to her, wasn't he? Well, apparently this conversation got quite aggressive. That's the word that's been used by the Financial Times.
Donald Trump is desperate for Greenland. So mad. And he seems to operate on this level where he thinks that if you want something, you can just buy it. Yeah. Which is, I mean, difficult to come in. Or his wives in the past. That's his love life you're talking about.
But he also, and this is scary, he refused to rule out, he was asked by a journalist, can you rule out using military force to take Greenland? And he said, no, I can't rule that out. It's a matter of national security for the United States that we have control of Greenland.
Yeah, and the reason why he wants greener, because I was like, why do you want greener? Because I always think of him as wanting, you know, like to say wanting Gaza because it's like by the sea and this is, you know, going to be nice and warm for him to go on his holidays. But he wants it because it's strategic. And this is to do with climate change. So if you want to move kind of stuff, you know, trade all around the world, you can do it by various straights. The Panama Canal is one, but that's drying up because climate change and the Arctic Ocean is opening up.
because all the icebergs are melting and China and Russia are teaming together and they're trying to get control of key shipping routes. So this is his idea that he controls or the US controlled Greenland so that they can get goods through that way. It's interesting though because Donald Trump doesn't believe in climate change and yet he seems to be preparing for it.
I just love that the fact that he described his conversation with the Prime Minister in Denmark as aggressive. She probably just wasn't flirting with them. Yeah, she was really rude. But I think the key to all of this Trump stuff is trying to work out what he doesn't want us to focus on.
So Steve Bannon was, I think, the first person to articulate this strategy, he called it flooding the zone with shit. And the idea being that if you just chuck out enough mad things, the population will be so distracted that they won't notice all the evil stuff that you're doing. So we have to somehow wade through this list of the first week of the Trump presidency and go, OK, what's the thing he doesn't want us to focus on?
Yeah. I think I read somewhere that the difference is his fans take him seriously, but not literally. And mainstream media and British commerce take him literally, but not seriously. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, I like that. But I think that potentially the thing that's not getting enough attention and is the most worrying is that the health authorities in America have been told that they can't travel.
and that they can't share information with other health organizations throughout the world. So they've essentially stopped a load of funding for things like cancer and said, we're not going to share what we know, the health intelligence that we have. So if there is another pandemic, that's going to make life really difficult if America aren't sharing their health data with other countries throughout the world. That might be the thing he doesn't want us to focus on. Honestly, fuck him.
Cut that out. Now, there's an interesting piece in the Times today, and it concerns food, specifically food eaten when you're in a romance. The headline, what you can tell about a man from how he eats. Grunya, what is this on about?
Well, so I don't want to disrespect the lady who's been interviewed in this. Her name's Dr. Andrea Oskis, but it was a rough read. So she's a therapist and a foodie. And her argument is that sort of the relationship we have with food is from a very early age. And it sort of mirrors our attachment style and sort of like a lot of maybe core childhood memories on how we actually
around people in intimate situations. So the two are very locked together because I suppose like food and love is, you know, the wiring that's done from a very early age. Her theory is that you can tell a lot about somebody and their relationship style from the relationship to food. However,
So it's so far so plausible. It's interesting, but then, so one of her examples is she went out on a date with a guy who cut his burger into four pieces. And she was like, oh, this is obviously not going to work because you cut your burger into quarters.
And obviously, I think to her that meant that you're not gonna like really get in, like connect with me in a raw, honest, vulnerable way because you're so controlling with your portions if she took you by oral sex.
But I'm just thinking maybe he's on a first date, we're all very self-conscious. Maybe he just had a nice shirt on and he didn't want it to get messy. It's difficult to eat a burger at the best of times and nobody wants a great big, one of those ones that it's impossible to eat because it's got
It's a date burger, isn't it? It's not like a McDonald's burger, so it is one with a stick in it with all the extra bits. But she does a really weird thing with it. So she doesn't like him cutting the burger into four, and she's quite feeling quite sniffy about it inside. But then she orders, I don't know why she does this, a five cheese risotto, and she doesn't like cheese.
But ironically, that shows something about how she tackles relationships, because that's incredibly passive-aggressive, right? If you're going to play with your food, I'm going to order something I hate. I mean, the whole date just sounds absolutely terrible. And then she says, because she had this risotto that she didn't like, and then she bought, and this seems very important, some half-price watermelon.
to cleanse her palate after eating this food that she doesn't like. And then she said, she really like thought about the fact that it was half-price, the fact she didn't even allow herself full-price watermelon to save a few pennies. And she think that reflected the fact that you felt insecure around him. Why is everyone so mad about food? Why don't you just order the food that you like?
Well, the food. Do you know what? This article sounds like a load of bollocks. But I do think there's something in that people eat the way that they make love. Sorry for saying make love. But also, you know, it says something about your attachment style and stuff. I really do believe that. I think if you're going out for a meal on a date, there are some really distinct turn-offs. Like my auntie once said she could never date a man who couldn't eat three sausages. And that was...
very specifically because...
She was making this guy breakfast. What at the same time are the three sausages? No, no, no, no. At the same time. No, so there was a party at her house and we all stayed over, right? And the next morning she was making everybody a fried breakfast. And then one of the guests at the party who she'd been sort of low-key crushing on, she made him what she, right, this is quite patriarchal, but she does like lady breakfast and man breakfast. So if you're a woman, you get two sausages and if you're a man, you get three. And this guy says,
I only want two sausages, I could never manage three sausages, and she immediately stopped dancing. Because she thought he was a lady. Because yeah, it's just so feminine. That's what I mean, why are people so weird about food? Just eat the food, make the food, eat the food. If you don't want to eat it, don't eat it.
Now it's time to find out which clever clogs amongst you has won a coveted Paper Cuts t-shirt in this week's Fix the Headline. Fix the Headline is our version of a sub editor's 100m dash to the nearest pun. Every week we find a yay story with a nay headline and we get you the Paper Cuts listeners to think up a better one.
And on Friday, we gave you a story from the mirror about how builders have found a buried bottle of what they thought was booze, but turned out to be 200-year-old urine. Fun! The mirror's headline, dram close. We knew you could do better, and you did. On Blue Sky, comfyelux23 gave us the very good piss key in the jar.
Well, being along had a go with Pease and Earth. Chris Thompson offered rum, history and a slash, which was all right. And sugar-coated sour, a wee dram. Oh, I like that. That's good, isn't it? On threads, Jacqueline 2000 gave us the excellent pissage in a bottle.
And on X, Rob in a stride with piss poor. P-O-U-R. Very good. But the winner is Helen McKee with You're in for a treat. Ah, yeah. Fettos.
Well done Helen. Just send us your address and t-shirt size and soon a paper cuts t-shirt will be yours. What about today? Do we have any good headlines? Well, well, we have a few efforts. Okay Natasha, you've got the mirror. What have you got?
This is actually an interesting story. The intellectual property office has digitalised its archives. So now you can go and see the things that people have invented that they thought were good enough to be painted. So for example, a sun lotion vest that delivers sunscreen to the skin through a membrane of leather.
And then a rubber duck attached to a plug, so the plug is pulled out when the bath water reaches a certain level. I think I've seen those. I think you can get them in kind of, you know, little knick-knack shots. Headline, patently absurd. That's OK. Five out of ten. And then...
Also in the mirror, there is a story about a young man called Essie, who he published his first book, Age 3, and is now a publishing magnate. Oh, my God. Age 5. A talented lad who could be the world's youngest author after releasing a book, Age 3, has now launched his own publishing house, apparently. Oh, my God. And he bought that as memoir, yes.
Now, the headline here is, I might be the world's youngest author. Might is spelled M-I-T-E. So I guess it's because he's a we might. But I thought maybe his first book was about Headlight or something. But no. No, or he can't spell. Great book rubbish spelling.
Okay, Grunya, you have the star. So in the star, it's the story that Queen guitarist Brian May is an avid collector of Star Wars toys. So it says the 77-year-old rock legend's actress wife, Inesha Dobson. Now I have a problem with that sentence. I think it should read the 77-year-old guitarist
is married to the legendary actress Anisha Dobson. There's one legend in that relationship. I think they're double-legending it actually. Well, you're being kind to blame me. So he's a big fan of that 70s.
80s film series Headline is it's Brian May the force be with you Okay, then in the Sun the news that Matt Smith proves he is the love doctor as he has spotted closing up with a mystery blonde Days after kissing a model in Brazil. Oh Headline is new love for doctor
I quite like that. Whenever me and my husband were ever weren't sort of in the flat and just disinvite and if we kiss each other we always go afterwards. Like we're in a sitcom.
And then finally, also in the sun, a life-size bronze bust of XPM, Mrs. Thatcher, is among her things set to fetch 50,000 at a London auction next month, so she had her own little statue of herself.
Oh man. Headline is the bronze lady. Instead of the eye and lady, get it everyone. The bronze lady. Bronze because she's a turd.
Now, it's January, it's rainy, it's non too warm, storm you and it has wrecked our fabulous hair, but worry not, the papers are here to tell us all how to stay chic under difficult circumstances. So yes, there are a couple of new trends that we might want to keep in mind when dressing for the next bout of 40 mile an hour winds. Natasha.
What's the first trend? Well, do you remember the coat that Kate Hudson wore in Almost Famous? Yes, I do. That's because we are women. What a great coat that is. I could draw it right now from men. Do we describe it for people who have not seen that film?
It's a big, shaggy, hairy coat. It's not golden, is it? Yes, and she wears it so well, but it does make her and anyone who would wear that sort of coat look a bit like a Yeti. These are apparently called Yeti coats, and they are back. Yes.
A fashion expert has said that they bring a sense of drama, they feel at home in the rugged backdrop of the highlands and leaf-filled woods, they're timeless and they're rock and roll. They're definitely rock and roll. They're quite a need to Pelenburg, I would say.
In the winter, your best friend is your coat, so why not add a little drama to it?
Can you get away with it? I think it's quite, I do, I mean, I agree with you, Granny. I am also what they call a short queen. And it is quite hard to carry off, but I would just say go for it anyway, because it's such fun, because you look like a kind of, you look like a little cute baby, born baby Robin, or you look like an ewock.
But you know, I think the willowy thing is key as well, because there's a tall person, but not a tall person that looks like they've been stretched, just like an in proportion tall person. I feel like if I wore one of these coats, there would actually be like a headline in the Islington local paper that said Yeti sponsors.
Why would Jack it rather than the full coat? I think that might be the answer. I think that could be really good. Anyway, there's also another new trend. Granja, you have been investigating this. It is for men, and apparently skinny jeans are back. This is in the telegraph. They've been to a few men's fashion shows and decided it.
So wide leg jeans trousers has been where it's especially like on the red carpet. You've seen people like Paul Mescal in a sort of a wide trouser. But apparently out on the product cap walk, skinny is back. Skinny's back, baby. And you know who I thought of when I read this? You know, I'm so happy for Alexine.
I like saying, I'm magic, just wake up. I wonder he's got just all those skinny jeans and storage. I hope so. I mean, I have to say release them. I have to say, it's quite early 2000s, isn't it? And I actually feel like that with the Yeti coat. It's like, it's the return of Indy sleaze. It's, you know, we understand that he's not very well, so that is very sad, but it's no fielding a go-go. I mean, it's just, that's what it is, isn't it? Or Big Bird.
Yeah, big bird. Big bird has returned. I mean, men, if you're listening, if you're listening, you know, wherever you want. But I have to say, I've just, I've never, I've never got like, I've never been like, oh, I really love being able to see his like, his house keys and his back pocket.
This is too much information. Sometimes you just get too much information. So shoot like male colleagues, you're like, I don't need to know everything. But a little bit of mystery. And that's the end of today's paper cuts. Thanks to Natasha. Thank you for having me. And thanks to Gronia. Thank you. Plus, if you won an update on Liz Jones' love diary, you'll have to tune into our Wednesday episode.
Don't forget to join the Papercut supporters club for a few ads, more laughs and some brilliant extra bits. Plus, every supporter gets a shout out. Natasha. Thanks and you make me feel mighty real. Diana Cunningham. Thank you. Thanks and you make me feel like a natural woman. Anna Marie tipping.
Thanks, and you make me feel like dancing. I want to dance the night away, Blair Lloyd. I've been around the soil and you've been listening to paper cuts on a day when hard-fidget police have recovered almost 300 stolen street lamps. The police confirmed that the thief was not the brightest hole in the box. See you next time.
Papercuts is written and presented by me, Miranda Sawyer, with Natasha Devon and Gronia Maguire, audio production by Simon Williams, production by Liam Tate, music by Simon Williams as well, and designed by James Parrot. The managing editor is Jacob Jarvis, the executive producer is Martin Boytosh, and the group editor is Andrew Harrison. Papercuts is a podmaster's production.
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