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    How to build better relationships between kids, parents, and ourselves (w/ Dr. Becky Kennedy)

    en-usSeptember 18, 2023

    Podcast Summary

    • The Power of Repair in RelationshipsAcknowledging and taking responsibility for the impact of our behavior on others during disconnected moments leads to deeper connection and understanding, strengthening relationships.

      Importance of the skill of repair in interpersonal relationships. Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and author, emphasizes that repair is the act of acknowledging and taking responsibility for the impact of our behavior on others, especially during moments of disconnection. Repair goes beyond simple apologies and opens up opportunities for deeper connection and understanding. Whether in parent-child relationships or any other type of relationship, getting good at repair can lead to significant positive impacts. So next time you find yourself in a disconnected moment, consider practicing repair as a powerful tool for strengthening your relationships.

    • Repairing relationships after mistakesAcknowledge, take responsibility, make amends, avoid blaming, learn from mistakes, focus on actions, build strong connections

      Repairing relationships after mistakes is more effective than just apologizing. Apologies can close a conversation, but repair opens up a conversation for learning and growth. Repair involves acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility, and making amends. It's essential to avoid blaming others for our mistakes and instead focus on our own actions and how we can do better next time. Repair also shows kids that it's okay to make mistakes and that we can learn from them. It's important to remember that our past mistakes don't define us, and the actions we take after those mistakes do. Repairing relationships takes time and effort, but it's worth it for building strong, healthy connections with others.

    • The power of apologies and acknowledgementsApologies and acknowledgements, even if late, can improve relationships and change negative narratives to positive ones.

      Apologies and acknowledgements, no matter how late, can significantly improve relationships. The speaker shared an experience of receiving an unexpected apology from a boss, which left her feeling important and respected. This idea was further emphasized through the speaker's encouragement for parents to apologize to their children for past mistakes, as it can help change the narrative of painful moments from shame and self-blame to connection and compassion. Additionally, the speaker highlighted the power of storytelling in making sense of the world and emphasized the importance of parents making the real story explicit for their children. The speaker also shared a personal example of how acknowledging her daughter's feelings during a past incident helped improve their relationship. In summary, the act of acknowledging and apologizing, even if late, can have a profound impact on relationships and help create a more positive narrative.

    • Understanding experiences through therapyTherapy helps us clarify past experiences, change emotional weight, and separate actions from self-worth. It's a tool for personal growth and resilience.

      Therapy helps us make sense of our experiences by weaving together disparate memories and emotions, creating a more coherent narrative. This doesn't mean changing the past, but rather gaining clarity and understanding. Our memories are not static; each time we recall them, we change their emotional weight and impact. For children, this concept is particularly relevant when dealing with fears. By adding new, calmer memories to a scary one, we can change how the fearful memory affects them. Additionally, it's essential to remember that our behavior does not define our identity. We all make mistakes, but that doesn't make us bad people. It's crucial to separate our actions from our self-worth. This perspective can lead to greater resilience and personal growth.

    • Separating Identity from BehaviorRecognize that we're good people who sometimes make mistakes, and use this understanding to be curious and learn from our actions rather than beating ourselves up.

      It's essential to separate our identity from our behaviors and actions. When we make a mistake or do something not so good, we often blame ourselves and tell ourselves negative stories, which can prevent us from making positive changes. Instead, we should remember that we are good people who sometimes make mistakes. By recognizing this gap between our identity and our behavior, we can be curious and ask ourselves why we did something and what we can do differently next time. This is particularly important for children as they are forming their sense of self. As parents or caregivers, it's crucial to see our children as good kids who may be having a hard time rather than bad kids doing bad things. This approach allows us to provide them with the help and guidance they need while also showing them that they are loved and valued.

    • Reflecting back to children impacts their self-perceptionReflecting back positively helps children access their inner goodness and build skills to overcome challenges, while negative reflection reinforces unwanted behaviors.

      As parents, the way we reflect back to our children significantly impacts their self-perception and development. When we reflect back negatively, children may start building their identity around that image, reinforcing unwanted behaviors. On the other hand, reflecting back positively can help children access their inner goodness and build skills to overcome challenges. For instance, instead of labeling a child as "bad" for acting out, we can say "this doesn't seem like you." This simple shift in language can help children see themselves as good people who made a mistake, fostering a healthier relationship and encouraging positive behavior. It's essential to remember that our goal as parents is not to label our children as "good" or "bad," but to help them access their inner goodness and overcome any obstacles that may be blocking it.

    • Balancing children's needs with generosityEncourage children to be flexible but not compliant and submissive to develop assertiveness and confidence as adults.

      As parents, it's essential to distinguish between our short-term desires for convenience and our long-term goals for raising children who can balance their own needs with generosity and assertiveness. Allowing children to give away everything they have to satisfy someone else's request might make our lives easier in the moment, but it could lead to adults who lack the ability to stand their ground and prioritize their needs. Parents should encourage their children to be flexible but not compliant and submissive, as these traits do not translate well to assertive and confident adults. The book provides examples of parents' concerns about their shy or passive children, highlighting the importance of recognizing the signs of a child's lack of confidence early on and addressing it through appropriate interventions.

    • Recognizing and respecting children's individual temperamentsParents should validate children's feelings and help them develop self-trust to foster confidence and success in life

      Confidence is not about jumping in and doing what everyone else is doing, but rather trusting oneself and one's experiences. Children's confidence can be expressed in different ways, and it's essential to recognize and respect their individual temperaments. Parents should avoid negating their children's self-experience, as this can lead to self-doubt and self-blame. Instead, parents should validate their children's feelings and help them develop self-trust. This approach will enable children to become adults who trust themselves and their experiences, which is the key to success as a parent. By focusing on self-trust, parents can help their children navigate the world with curiosity, kindness, and confidence.

    • Building stronger bonds through understanding and connectionValidating and listening to others' feelings builds stronger relationships, creating an environment where both parties feel heard and understood.

      Understanding and connection are crucial in relationships, whether it's between parents and children or partners. When we try to convince others to see things our way, we create a disconnect, making it harder to solve problems. Instead, validating and listening to others' feelings can make them feel heard and understood, which builds a stronger bond. Parents, especially, should remember that children want to be heard and understood more than always being in the "solution mode." This is not only true in adult relationships but also in parent-child interactions. By practicing understanding, we create an environment where both parties feel safe and valued.

    • Emotional learning and coping skills for childrenAllow children to experience emotions, teach coping skills, address feelings of loneliness, and promote emotional intelligence for problem-solving and resilience.

      Effective problem-solving and emotional resilience stem from being able to manage overwhelming feelings and not feeling alone. Becky Kennedy, the guest on the "How to Be a Better Human" podcast, emphasized the importance of allowing children to experience the full range of emotions and teaching them how to cope with them. Kennedy also highlighted the significance of addressing feelings of loneliness and emphasized that it's okay to feel sad sometimes. The podcast conversation underscored the importance of early emotional learning and the role parents and caregivers play in shaping children's emotional intelligence. Kennedy's book, "Good Inside," offers practical advice and tools for parents and caregivers to help children develop emotional resilience. Overall, the podcast episode emphasized the importance of acknowledging and addressing emotions, especially during childhood, to promote emotional intelligence and problem-solving skills.

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