The following podcast is a dear media production. This is Let's Be Honest with Kristen Cavalieri, a podcast all about getting real and open on everything from sex, relationships, reality TV, wellness, family, and so much more. And just a fair warning, there will probably be some oversharing.
Welcome in to Let's Be Honest. How is everybody doing? It is a gloomy kind of gross day here in Tennessee. It was raining earlier, but got to be honest, Tennessee this time of year, it's really hard to beat with all of the leaves changing. And we've actually had a very well and incredible fall. It's been great weather. It's been warm. And it's just being out here in the country. This time of year is there's no better place in the country.
If you haven't been to Nashville and you're thinking about coming, October is by far the best month to come because it's just so beautiful. But any who today is going to be fun because we're going to talk all about confidence.
Confidence across the board. We're going to talk about it in work, relationships, friendships, and just how to navigate life, having confidence, and ultimately, you know, working on self-esteem. Because when you feel good about yourself, really, there's nothing that you can't do.
And this is sort of, I will periodically ask my Instagram followers for questions. And there always seems to be consistent themes, whether it be about breakups, which was a couple of weeks ago. There were a ton of questions about confidence. And you guys, since I launched this podcast over a year ago, it's always similar questions. So what I'm doing moving forward is I am going to start breaking them into categories. So today is going to be about confidence. And
I think I'm a good example of of what I'm going to be sharing today because I'm someone who really believes that you got to fake it till you make it. And I know about that because that's what I did for a long time. I would say I haven't actually become confident until the last
few years, I would say, the last four years I've really found myself and, and started really loving myself, which is funny because when I was on Laguna, Laguna Beach 20 years ago, people couldn't believe that I was this quote unquote, such a confident teenager, a 17 year old, no one's that confident in high school.
And at the time, it was wild for me because I remember being like, it's so funny that everyone thinks I'm so confident because I'm the complete opposite of that. I was a mess. I just knew how to fake it till you make it and I've relied on that for a long time. And confidence is definitely something that
I do feel like, you know, people always talk about how thirties, your thirties for women are really impactful. And they are because I think that that's when you really start to figure out who you are. And confidence is, I think, knowing who you are and being proud of who you are and sort of being unapologetically who you are.
And that I do think a lot of times comes with age I also think confidence comes with trying hard things and knowing that you can get through them and that happens over the course of your whole life really and it's just slowly over time the more hard things you do the more you realize you're capable of a lot and.
I'm someone who had a really difficult childhood and I did go through a lot but I still didn't develop real confidence until I was older and I think a large part of that is having a dad who's a narcissist is it's hard to navigate and
I think it strips away any sort of confidence that you do have. And so I had to quite literally tear myself down to rebuild myself. And I think that that's where a lot of my insecurity came from. I also, it's funny because on the way to school today, I was telling my kids how in two and a half years between eighth grade, well, the middle of eighth grade and then the beginning of my sophomore year, so two and a half years, I went to five different schools.
And I did that because I'm not proud of this by any means, but I'll just share this little story with you guys. So I've told you guys a million times on the podcast. I was a very rebellious bad kid. There's no other way to put that. I was very lost. I, in eighth grade, I had no real connection to an adult or to anybody really at this point in my life. My brother and I had been split up. My dad and my brother were living in California. I was in Chicago with my mom who was in a new marriage.
And I wasn't close with my step-brother and step-sister. I had a lot of issues with men for a multitude of reasons. It felt like it was like one thing after another with the boys slash men in my life. And my connection to anything really was my boyfriend Johnny at the time. We kind of talked about this on the breakup episode. And my friends, I really, I found connection in my friendships and the social scene.
And unfortunately, what went with that was drinking early, smoking pot early. You know, I started doing all of these things in eighth grade and I had really no moral compass at the time because I was just searching for anything. So in eighth grade, my friend Kelsey and I at the time, who was very similar to me in that we both were searching for anything, right? Because we both had really, we just didn't have a connection to anybody. And so
We decided to bring little alcohol bottles to school and we drank them at lunch and we put them in the tampon, the tampon trash things in the girls bathroom.
I don't know, I guess we thought no one would find them. And then after school, I was a cheerleader in middle school. We went to Kelsey's house and we kept drinking. And then I came back to cheer for the basketball game. And I remember my cheerleading coach calling me over, you know, I'm on the side cheering and she went, Kristin, come here.
And I'm going, oh fuck, oh my god. So I walk over to her and I wasn't drunk, but I was buzzed, you know, and I, at the time, I was like, I can't look at her in the face. So I pretended to tie my shoe.
For honestly, who knows how long it could have been, it could have been one minute or it quite literally could have been five minutes that I was just down there meticulously trying to tie my shoe to avoid having any face to face interaction with my cheerleading coach. She obviously knew though, right? And so.
She had asked me, have you been drinking? And I went, no, long story short, they had found the alcohol bottles from school. This girl, Gina, who was one of our friends, I guess, told on us. Thanks a lot, Gina. I'm kidding. I take full responsibility. And so long story short, I was going to get expelled if my mom didn't withdraw me first. So my mom withdrew me and I went to a different school.
in a different town over. And that, listen, I of course deserved that. That was on me. I was a fucking train wreck at this point in my life. And for many years to come, quite honestly, but I, that was so hard for me because my boyfriend, Johnny was still at Barrington and
The second semester of eighth grade is when all the fun stuff's happening. So the dance at school I couldn't go to, I didn't get to graduate with my friends. And these are people that obviously I'd been in school with for a few years. And that was soul crushing. And I made the most of my new school, but I remember having the end of school countdown taped up in my room, like counting down from like 80 days, because I just couldn't wait for that year to be over. So that sucked. Okay.
So that's eighth grade, two different schools. Then I started freshman year in Barrington. And then October of 2000 is when I moved out to California and I moved out to California because I was getting into a lot of trouble. Also, there was not a great situation at home, to be honest, which I think you guys know at this point while I do say a lot, I still try to protect the people in my life, but some shit went down at my house. And my dad was like, you're moving out to California.
So moved out to California. And because I was getting into a lot of trouble, my dad put me in a Catholic high school when I first moved out. And to be fair, I probably got in more trouble at that school and was doing way worse stuff than any other school. Okay, let's just throw that out there. So that kind of backfired. Also, it was like 30 minutes away. It just, it just didn't make sense. So, but I did, I did that for
most of my freshman year of high school. And then my sophomore year of high school is when I went to Laguna Beach High School. So within two and a half years, I went to five different schools. And also my whole childhood, I moved around a lot. We moved almost every single year. So I was always the new girl. I was always put in situations where I was uncomfortable, but it was sink or swim.
And I learned how to be thrown in situations and figure it out because I didn't have a choice. And that is how you develop confidence is by being thrown in situations where it's like, you either have to figure it out or you're going to crumble and.
Realizing that you won't crumble is where you're like, Oh, okay, I can do this. And that's what gives you confidence. And so I think that that persona that you guys were introduced to on Laguna Beach really came from that of being thrown in situations. My whole childhood felt like
I don't want to say an attack. It wasn't an attack isn't the right word, but I always felt on edge like I was always playing defense. And, you know, obviously we've talked about this a million times. This is not going to be talking about Laguna Beach, but when I had producers trying to manipulate my life and put us in situations and stuff, how I knew how to survive was to get really defensive and like fight back in a lot of ways.
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My point being faking it till you make it can really take you far. It really, really can. And a lot of the questions that you guys sent me were about what to do when you lose belief in yourself imposter syndrome.
And so I think with anything in life, being your own biggest cheerleader is the most important thing because if you don't believe that you can do hard things.
Brene Brown, who is the most incredible author on the planet, she's written a ton of great books, but that's her big thing is like everyone can do hard things. Her books are really worth reading, by the way. And so, first of all, you have to get in touch with yourself, you have to believe in yourself, you have to know.
We are all capable of great things. It's feeling it in your heart. I think our minds are actually what end up screwing us over because that's where the fear will creep in the self doubt. You know, all of these negative, all these negative patterns that we tell ourselves. And it is also, I think, becoming aware of negative patterns that we have and shifting that narrative. So it's first realizing what negative patterns you have, whether that's, I'm not good enough. Nobody likes me.
I'll never be X. I'll never be, you know, and then say, no, I am more than capable. I am enough. I've even had to do that with body image stuff over the years, you guys. It's anytime I get a thought of like, you know, I feel fat or whatever. And listen, we're all human. Okay, we all have those thoughts that are have at some point in our lives. And then I've, I've learned to switch it over the years to say, no, I have my dream body.
I have my fucking dream body. So it's we all have some sort of a negative thought pattern and it's just becoming aware of it and then flipping the switch on it. And imposter syndrome is interesting because again, it's fake it till you make it. I for.
years always had that. Everything I did in the entertainment industry besides reality TV, I had imposter syndrome. When I used to host these big, these big pre-shows on all the big award shows, you know, the Oscars, the Grammys, the Golden Globes,
I had imposter syndrome the whole time and I did it for like five years. I mean, they kept asking me back. So I was like, all right, well, maybe I don't know. I guess I'm doing something right. But you just, I think with imposter syndrome specifically, being really prepared in whatever it is you're doing, whether let's say it's work, because I do feel like a lot of times that goes more hand in hand with work stuff.
It's being so prepared, you know, doing all of the things that you can do so that when you're put in the situation, you're ready to go. So let's say it's giving a big speech in front of your whole company, which by the way, I quite literally shit my pants for that stuff. I hate that stuff. I've got I used to have a major fear of public speaking. And now I can do it in front of thousands of people that actually I'll get really nervous right before I go out. And then once I'm out, I'm fine.
But getting up and talking in front of 15, 20 people that I know, no, sorry, apps are fucking lutely not like that's where I just I that's where I crumble. I don't crumble. But
But that's a good situation. I actually just did a biz. I spoke at this entrepreneur conference and that's one of those situations where I really believe rehearsing this stuff beforehand so that you do feel confident. You know what you're talking about. You know what you're doing. So again, anything at work, it's
You know, it's just actually the award shows are a good example of that where I used to I remember the first Golden Globes that I did I was so nervous so for I think two or three weeks leading up to it I went over my shit Every single day and we had teleprompters you guys we had they made it as easy as possible, but I
I think it's not really obvious sometimes when someone is just reading a teleprompter. So I liked being able to have it as a safety net, but also be able to just kind of go off of my own mind. But I think it's really doing, it's just, it's really being prepared is the only way that you can get over imposter syndrome. And then it's talking yourself up saying,
I'm going to kill this. And by the way, if it is some sort of a public speaking thing, let's say, if you do rehearse it, they're all of these neuroscientists now saying that your brain actually doesn't distinguish between if it's already happened or like you rehearsing it and doing it out loud, your brain thinks like, oh, it already happened. Like we already killed this. And so it's almost like tricking your brain and yourself and being like, we're going to go out there and crush it. And then you just go out there and you just fucking own it and you just do it.
And then you guys wanted to talk about standing up for yourself and then being confident in setting boundaries and work relationships and friendships. And so for the longest time, I used to look at standing up for yourself as being loud and like this tough girl, like I take no shit from anybody kind of an attitude. And that is actually
An insecure way of trying to gain control of a situation so really standing up for yourself, you guys is. It's knowing your worth it's knowing your value it's knowing what you're willing to put up with and not put up with and. Again, I mean, this could be in a relationship this could be at work.
Standing enough for yourself is because confidence is quiet and security is loud. So it is remaining calm. It is knowing what you are worth. And let's say it's a work situation or even a relationship actually and saying, here's what I bring to the table. Here is my value. And I don't feel like you respect me or see my value. And that's when you have to decide, you know, what's worth it to you or, or first saying,
And like in a relationship and saying, you know, I don't feel like you've been respecting me or I don't feel like you're meeting me halfway or whatever it is. And.
If things don't change, then I'm going to have to really reassess this because it's a relationship. I love you and I want this to work, but I also have to do what's best for me. And it's just remaining calm in that. And you have to be willing to walk away, though, if you're going to voice your opinions.
And well, you know what? Here's a good example. I mean, I had to set boundaries with my dad. And that was really scary for me because my dad was someone that for the longest time, I could never stand up to. I could stand up to anybody else.
Anybody else. And I almost kind of got off on it in a lot of ways. But my dad, I was such a little bitch. I could never. And so, but he was like the main person in my life. I needed to set boundaries with. And when I finally could kind of stand up for myself.
It felt really good. And I think the first time I ever did it really caught him off guard. He was trashing my mom and trashing my mom. And this is not that long ago in the grand scheme of things. This is me as an adult. Like this is me after I had kids and still ripping on my mom and I was talking about my brother's death and just was getting nasty. And I, that was the first time in my whole life I stood up to him and
it needed to happen. I think then he saw like, Oh, holy shit. And the thing with my dad was he had a lot of chances and he kept, he didn't respect my boundaries. And then he didn't respect my kids boundaries. And that's why he's no longer in our lives.
And so the thing about boundaries is if you want to set boundaries, you have to be willing to then walk away from whatever the situation may be. And I am someone who I am not afraid to walk away from situations or cut people out of my life if they are only bringing me negativity. Because I think life is too short. I think our parents are a great example of that where
Just because their family doesn't mean you should keep them in their life all the time. I do think in a lot of situations, do families fight? Of course. Every family has their shit. But if a parent or a sibling or an aunt or an uncle is really crossing the line, that is not worth it. And if it's creating stress for you, and especially if you're not able to speak up to them,
That's not worth it. Friendships are another great example of this where I really believe some people come into your life for a season. I think there is takeaway from every relationship and you are able to
learn and grow from them and the people who go out of your life even more so and not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. I really do believe that and we have to be okay with allowing that. I think just flowing with the universe instead of trying to control things, I have found a lot of peace in that because I used to be someone that tried to control everything that came my way and learning how to just
Let it go. And here was another question that somebody said that you guys wanted me to talk about adult women not having each other's backs. This is a very real thing. It's a real thing that it's hard to come by really genuine, loyal, honest people in life period. So when you find those people, you really hold on to those people because they're really important.
And again, the I've had, well, I guess I've really had one adult friendship with a woman that blew up in my face. And this is a great example. The very capillary fans will know this one, but I felt as though my, one of my best friends at the time who was on the very capillary show. I don't think she ever had an affair with my ex-husband, but the viewers of the show season two were accusing them of having an affair.
And I then started to notice that she was capitalizing on that. But the way she would speak about him then on social media, how she just she was trying to add fuel to the fire. And that's when I took a step back and I I was uncomfortable with the situation. And I wrote her
an email. You know it's serious when it's an email. And I was very careful about just saying, Hey, here's how your actions have made me feel. I in no shape or form attacked or blamed or it was just this is how I feel.
And it blew up in my face. And my thing with friends is if we can't have a conversation of like, these are my feelings. And if you can't respect my feelings and basically just turn it around on me, I can't do anything with that. If I had a friend who came to me and said, Kristen, what you did made me feel really uncomfortable. And you know, whatever the case, I would say,
Holy shit, I am so sorry. That was not my intention. I'm really sorry that that's your experience of this. And also this is what I was going through or thinking. And then you hear both people's sides and then you, you know, everyone feels validated. That's all most people ever want, but that's really difficult for a lot of people. When people come out from the defense, I'm like, I don't
How can you argue my emotion? You can't argue someone's emotions. This is how you made me feel. Like I'm not wrong for that, you know? So my point being it's really sad when adult women can't meet you in the middle like that and have your back and do something that disrespects you and make you feel really shitty, but it happens. And I think instead of being so down about it, it's like, okay, well, you know what? I enjoy the years that we had together.
I've learned a lot from this relationship as well. And you just, you have to just let it go. And you have to just move on from it, unfortunately, and be thankful for the time that you had together. It's really no different than any sort of relationship, romantic relationship that you have. It's, it's all the same energy. Okay. And then you guys wanted to move into dating and confidence and dating and okay, so
I got a lot of questions about when men say one thing but act a different way, how to tell when a guy is lying, dating advice, situationships, how to make them fall in love. Okay, so let's start with men who say one thing and act a different way.
That's a massive red flag. Actions are way more important than words. Guys will say anything. They will say anything to get you in bed, just to keep you on the hook. Guys, you really, it takes a long time to be able to trust a guy. And words have to equal actions. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of bullshit. And I do feel like I have some sort of a guy mentality. And that's why I've always kind of
understood this game to a degree. And I don't know if it's because I had an older brother. I know for a fact, I was a guy in another life, I think for a long time, I was so afraid of getting my heart broken that then I became the heartbreaker. I think it's just a combination of things. I also I just I have masculine energy when it comes to this stuff.
So I do feel like I've always been really good friends with men, with boys and men. I love men. I get along really well with men. I am a girls girl too. I have both. Obviously, I've got really great girlfriends in my life too, but I do love men. But so I've been around like my whole life, high school, early 20s, you know, I always had really good guy friends and just hearing the way that they would talk also was like, oh, wow, this is fascinating to me.
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So that's the thing with actions. And then how to tell when a guy is lying. I think it's sort of what we were just talking about getting when a guy gets really defensive when he wants to turn it around on you. And those are sort of narcissistic behaviors. I don't think everyone is a narcissist. I think that a lot of guys will just lie and it has sort of the same tendencies. But the getting really defensive, turning it around on you, taking zero accountability.
Again, it kind of goes back to that friendship thing where it's like, let's say you said, you know, I saw you flirting with another girl at the club. I don't know. I'm just pulling this out of my ass. And he's like, no, I wasn't. You know, when you were talking to guys all night, you know, that like that kind of behavior that's like, to me, that's just so immature. But you want a guy who's going to say,
Oh, God, I am so sorry that you feel like that. That's I've known Casey forever. And that, you know, we were just catching up and talking, you know, you also want a guy who's not going to do that at all and make you even feel like that. But, but that's just the reality. So you, you, it can be tricky though, sometimes to know when a guy is lying. I sort of take the stance that until proven innocent, the guy is lying. And this is more
Maybe when you're not in a relationship more kind of in the beginning, but in a relationship.
You know, I used to feel like I could really tell when a guy was lying. And then over the years, I've learned that sometimes I've been wrong about that. But I will say, I've talked about it a lot on the podcast. We as women, we have this gut feeling we do and you have to listen to that. Our guts are never wrong. They just aren't. And I think that's, that's just our best guide. That's our compass and we have to pay attention to it.
I also think though we have to be careful because the flip side is too. Sometimes we will get in our own heads and kind of spiral and like get ourselves all worked up and we could be wrong. But I do think it's like it's that accountability piece because you have to imagine if a guy came to you and you with whatever the issue may be and he was upset, you wouldn't and you didn't actually do anything.
you wouldn't turn it around on them. You would literally just quit literally say, I'm sorry and be like, no, here's what happened. Like I hate that you feel like this. Like truly I'm telling you the truth. And so I do that a lot of times. It was, I'm like, okay, if I were in this situation, how would I respond if I was telling the truth? Cause I feel like I, I'm pretty fucking transparent when it comes to relationships and it's,
Kind of hard to get that in return, but I don't know. So I'm always like, why I would be telling the truth. Okay. And then in typical my Instagram follower fashion, you guys asked a lot of questions about me and dating. And so I've talked a little bit about this, but so dating is funny right now. I know on the podcast a couple of weeks ago, I said I was kind of dating someone and ultimately I'm not
I don't know. I don't think that it's that I'm not ready. I think if where I'm at in my life, if I feel one thing is wrong, is missing, I'm not wasting my time and my energy on someone. I'm very quick to end things very, even sometimes my friends are like, Jesus, okay, like there's no chill. I'm like, oh, now this isn't working for me.
well it's funny because Justin will be like can't you just like you know slowly pull away where i'm like no i don't to me that's like playing a game i'm like i'd rather just be an adult and have an adult conversation and be like hey like here's where i'm at you know and just end things so that's done and i do think if the right person came along i would be ready to date but i'm not actively looking today right now but okay anyways the question that you guys had was to describe my perfect soulmate what i want so i've
Last fall on the podcast was very date-heavy. I was dating a lot. I was on rye. I was like doing all the things. It was really fun. I had the time of my life. I'm not going to be getting back on a dating app. I don't think.
Everything I said last fall is still true. I'm looking for someone who is loyal and honest. I'm very fucking honest and transparent and I want that in return. And someone who's really fun. I'm a homebody and my day to day, I go to bed at, I was about at eight 30 last night, but like, you know, normally like nine, I'm up early with the kids obviously for school and everything. But I like to go out from time to time and turn it up and have a good time. So it's someone who can kind of just match that energy for me.
And someone who's really grounded, who is always looking to improve, who is always wanting to learn and grow. I hope that I am learning and growing until the day that I die. And I like, I hate people that are just complacent. Like, I always want to be searching and finding new stuff.
And I think it has to be someone who's kind of in the same phase of life as me where I am not looking to grind anymore, right? I've sort of curated my life to be this perfect work-life balance. And my kids are the main part of my life. And then I've been able to work in the podcast and uncommon James to fit my schedule on my terms. It's really been beautiful and I'm really thankful for it.
And so it's someone who's kind of like on the other end of that as well, who's not hustling, you know, and trying to like get their career off of the ground. Because to be honest, I kind of want to retire in the next few years. And then I've got nine more years with kids in the house. And then I can just travel and do whatever. And I always say, I want to retire. And I know that I'll be bored after a week. So I'm going to have to do something.
But it's someone who's just like, who's not in that hustle mode, who's kind of, you know, isn't like in the mode of having something to prove. Like I'm over that phase of having something to prove, which makes me really happy because it was fun and I had that fire in me, but I just, I'm too laid back now for that. So I need someone who just, who meets me there.
And then I think accountability is such a huge piece in a relationship. And that's when you've been on the other end of that where there is zero accountability, that is huge. That's a deal breaker for me. Someone who has zero accountability, I could never.
never ever be with. And then I want someone who's worked through their trauma. And I mean, yeah, we all do. But you know what? I think a lot of people go through life completely unaware of their trauma and why they are the way that they are. Everyone's childhood affected them in one way or another. I don't care what you say. And I've really worked through my shit. And I want someone who's done the same because I just think like having that's a deeper intimacy of being able to connect and really again.
That goes with like really knowing who you are and how you function in the world and how you've navigated your whole life, really. And to me, that just, it shows us a real depth when someone's done the hard work and really gone and there and figured things out.
And then I want someone who I can learn from, who is my equal, who is bringing a lot to the table, who can just teach me things and help me grow and lift me up. You know, I think I've chosen guys in the past where I do a lot of the lifting up and it's like, I want to not say it sometimes. I want to like save these guys and help out these guys. And it's like, I'm done doing that. I want someone to lift me up, you know, and, and
I want to just learn and grow from someone. And then I've been thinking a lot about the chemistry versus the compatibility piece. And I talked a lot about this on the podcast last year when I was dating again. But I've realized it's so hard to find both. And I'm not settling until I have both. Well, it's actually three things. It's the chemistry, the compatibility, and someone wanting to grow with you. It's being in the same phase of life.
But I feel like I have compatibility with probably a lot of people, and that's lacking the chemistry piece. And then I've had amazing chemistry with a couple guys in the last four years, but the compatibility piece is missing.
You know, I, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I will never settle for anything less than that though. And so I just think moving forward for all of us, if something is not a full body, yes, then to me, that's a no. And so that's what I'm going to leave you guys with moving forward, whether it's work, relationships, friendships, anything. If it is not a full body, yes.
It's a no. Okay guys, thank you for listening. I will see you guys next week.
