Episode 410: Robert Greene: Are Great Observers Born or Made? The Nature vs Nurture of Empathy

Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crash it. Hey friends, you're listening to Fitness Friday on the Habits and Hustle podcast, where myself and my friends share quick and very actionable advice for you becoming your healthiest self. So stay tuned and let me know how you leveled up.

Do you think that there are people who are just maybe, you said you were always really good at giving advice, that there are people that are more innately just more tuned in and keyed into to that type of thing? Like, I mean, there are people who are good to talk to because they're much more self-aware and they're much more empathetic. And so there is, there is that element, like you naturally obviously were that one of those people that it kind of, you came by it honestly, so to speak, right?

Well, it's a good question of is it nature or nurture? So is it something that is your brain wired that way? There's probably an element to it. So for instance, it's a known fact through studies that women are more naturally empathetic than men.

Is there something about the way women's brains are? Or is it from the fact that women are socialized to be more attentive to the needs of other people? How do you answer that question? I think probably from my upbringing, from the relationship to my parents, where I wasn't neglected, but I was sort of left alone.

And so my way of surviving in this world was to observe people. That was the only way I could feel secure was to understand so that I wouldn't get hurt. My parents weren't abusive at all. They were very kind. But I wasn't getting the attention that I thought I needed. So I had to turn myself into a very keen observer. And my sister is like that as well.

So there's something in, I think, the way we were raised that turned us this way. But I wouldn't write these books if I don't believe that's something you can learn. So because I'm interested in other people, probably for means of protection and defense, so maybe started from something maybe slightly negative.

Um, I spent many years observing, right? And when you observe and you spend years doing it, it becomes a skill. It's like I can sense people's energy really quickly now. You know, I have a feel for who they are. I can tell from their body that the things you can't even verbalize because I've been doing it for so long. So my point in the book is,

You know, you may be 30 years old or 40, you know, it's never too late to start because a human being has these innate, incredible innate powers. They call it theory of mind, the ability that we can put ourselves in the shoes of another person and imagine what they're thinking. And they've demonstrated that infants at the age of six months old demonstrate that they have this theory of mind. No other animal comes close to that, although they say maybe dolphins at some point, but

So, you have that, you the listener out there, you have that potential, you have those built-in tools to use. It's just a matter of using them. So, getting out in more social situations, getting away from your stupid phone and going out in public and dealing with people and looking at them and observing them and going through exercises that I have in the book,

Slowly, you'll get better at it. It's actually a lot of fun. You spend $20 to go to a movie, to get inside the world of somebody else, and it's so exciting. Oh, the psycho killer.

Other people in your daily life have their stories, have their myths, have their own fantasies. It's just as exciting to try and get into their world as it is to get inside silence of the lambs or whatever movie you want to watch. So it's something you can learn. It's not just you're either born that way or you're doomed to not having this power.

Right. I mean, I guess what I was saying, that you already had a natural inclination and interest, right? So it starts with a kernel of interest and curiosity and maybe you were naturally better at it than some. But I think what you're saying, and I tend to agree, is that anything you put attention to, you can get better at. But it's being, putting attention towards it and practicing it over and over again.

And you're saying kind of like, I mean, your whole book about, well, not the whole book, but a lot of what your book talks about, there's a few different things, but is being self-aware, right? Understanding where you came from, because where you came from, it's going to be a good, it's a good point to know why you are the way you are and having that type of self-awareness. How does someone who doesn't have that natural inclination

game self-awareness. Well, you have to read the book.

That's the main point of the whole book. So you need to become a superior observer of other people, but it begins by being able to observe yourself. So it's a process. There's no quick answer to that. So the first thing is, I try to show you certain things that you need to be aware of. But I think one of the points in my book, Particularly in Masteries, people don't become good at something unless they like it.

and it's very much demonstrated in neuroscience. When the brain is engaged and excited, suddenly we learn at a much faster rate, right? If you're interested in learning French, you'll learn it really quickly as opposed to someone who's forced to learn it. It could take years. So if you want to, if you're motivated to observe people to look at yourself, then you will start to do it. And so how do you get motivated? Well, I try to make the point in the book

The number one thing to understand is you are a stranger to yourself. You do not know who you are. You do not know why you act the way you do. You do have no idea what motivates your behavior, why you choose this partner to be with, why you're interested in this product, why you choose this person to be a politician you vote for.

You don't know because 95% of what we do comes from unconscious processes. So, if you think about that, it's kind of a slightly frightening. So, you know, why did I, you know, and this is a very painful example, why did I buy an Audi when I could have bought 20 different other cars? Well, if I think about it, you know, it probably has to do with the fact of,

I don't see myself as somebody buys a Mercedes, but probably I've looked at ads that have influenced me. I've seen other people. It wasn't like me consciously deciding this is the car I want. It was influenced by all these unconscious factors and people who do marketing,

They know this very well that what makes you choose to buy a product is emotional reasons that you're not even aware of. They know all of these unconscious tricks to make you interested in their product. So you walk around, you're like a sleepwalker. You don't know why you make the decisions you make. And a very good example is the people you choose for intimate partners in your life.

You can't really explain or verbalize why you're attracted to a person. And oftentimes, if you pay close attention, you notice that there'll be certain patterns of people you choose. And sometimes these patterns aren't very healthy. Not always, sometimes. Why? Why am I attracted to this person who's

sort of a narcissist and isn't going to be a great person to have a relationship. And then the second person I choose is exactly the same even though I was hurt by the first person. What's going on? I'm challenging you to look at yourself and say, look in the mirror and say, I don't really know who I am. I don't know why I make choices, why I followed this career path, etc.

So, if you're like in a dark room, it's kind of scary. You're groping, you're tripping over things. Well, you're operating in a dark room. You don't know why you're doing things you're groping around and you're making mistakes. So, you have to be motivated to try and look at yourself and understand who you are by virtue of the fact that your ignorance of who you are is causing negative patterns in your life. We all want to improve ourselves. That's why we go to self-help books. That's why you read my book.

but you're never gonna improve yourself unless you understand who you are, unless you look squarely in the eye and admit your flaws, admit the bad patterns in your life. So it's almost like, you know, alcoholics anonymous, you have to get down on your knees and admit, I don't know who I am. And because that's a frightening thought, I have, I'm now motivated to try and make the steps to understand. Right, and that's why I think the first step is that you said, like, ask yourself the question, like,

take a pause and say, why am I doing what I'm doing? What is the reason behind this? Like that initial, I think that even that initial moment or that second of pause makes you maybe retrain your brain to think a little bit, right?