E873 Ask Nick - My BF Thinks I’m A Burden
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January 27, 2025
TLDR: Three relationship issues are discussed: a boyfriend calling his partner a burden after they went ring shopping, an ex disrespecting boundaries affecting a current marriage, and a third caller considering coming out to family on Christmas.

In this episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition, the host tackles challenging questions from listeners about relationships and emotional well-being. Key topics include feeling like a burden in a relationship, disrespecting boundaries, and coming out during the holidays.
Caller 1: Feeling Like a Burden
The first caller, Rachel, shares a painful moment when her boyfriend expressed that their relationship felt like a burden after ring shopping. Key points from their discussion include:
- Emotional Exhaustion: Rachel describes their relationship as emotionally draining, filled with misunderstandings and sensitivity over trivial issues.
- Commitment Pressure: Rachel has placed significant pressure on the relationship due to her desire for a quick engagement, which has led to anxiety for both partners.
- Need for Communication: Nick emphasizes that both partners must clearly communicate their feelings and needs instead of feeding into misunderstanding and assumptions.
Caller 2: Boundaries and Co-Parenting
The second caller, Samantha, discusses the challenges of co-parenting with her ex-husband, who often disrespects her boundaries regarding their grown children. Important insights include:
- Middleman Role: Samantha's tendency to act as a middleman to avoid conflicts has resulted in stress on her marriage.
- Kids as Adults: As the children mature, there’s a need for them to take responsibility for their relationships with their father rather than relying on Samantha.
- Empowerment: Encouraging her children to communicate directly with their father can alleviate Samantha's burdens and reduce family tension.
Caller 3: Coming Out During the Holidays
The final caller, Ali, grapples with whether to come out to her conservative family over the holidays. Discussion highlights include:
- Societal Pressure: Ali feels societal pressure to disclose her sexual orientation but is apprehensive about their reaction, rooted in their conservative beliefs.
- Timing and Approach: Nick advises against coming out during the holidays to avoid conflict and encourages Ali to choose a safer time when she feels ready.
- Prioritize Peace: The focus should be on maintaining Ali’s mental peace rather than seeking approval from her family.
Insights and Takeaways
- Communication is Key: In all relationships, open and honest communication can alleviate feelings of being a burden and foster understanding.
- Empowerment Through Boundaries: Setting and respecting boundaries is crucial in co-parenting to ensure emotional health for everyone involved.
- Choosing When to Share: The decision of when and how to come out is personal. It’s important to prioritize one’s own well-being in such situations.
- Be Present: In relationships, focus on the present and cultivating a partnership rather than fixating on future milestones like marriage.
Conclusion
Episode E873 of The Viall Files provides valuable insights on complex relationship dynamics, emphasizing understanding, communication, and self-empowerment. Each caller's situation highlights the importance of addressing emotional health and navigating through personal challenges with honesty and support.
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How's it going? Hi, I'm Rachel, I'm 31. How can we help Rachel? We went rain shopping and then my boyfriend told me after that the relationship has been a burden. Okay, are you still together?
Yes. Okay. All right. We live together. You live together. All right. So as far as we know, we're together. We're not actually worried about breaking up. We, he just said something that I'm assuming you felt was very hurtful. So there's been more that's happened since then. Um, we are figuring out if we're going to stay together right now. Um, so that was like a couple of weeks ago to be fair. The relationship has been a burden on him. He's really overextended himself.
with work and just like eating a lot. Why do you say that though? I don't care that he's been busy at work. A lot of people are busy, but why are you so quickly to concede that a relationship with you has been a burden to him?
It's been like a lot emotionally like every weekend kind of getting into these like spirals together, just kind of emotionally exhausting. And we have been like really trying to work on that. And then this past weekend, it's all kind of come to a bit of a head where we just had like a little thing that kind of just energetically sent us into one of these spirals where
just felt very like walled off. And I shared with him that I'm just like feeling really defeated and powerless. And I don't really know what to do. I feel like I'm putting in like everything I can for this relationship. And he and he agreed. And this was just like the first time that he said he agreed to why that he that we were just feeding feeling really powerless and defeated about like how to change our dynamic together because we love each other very much or like very have been very committed.
How would you describe how would you describe your dynamic? That's a great question. Could I describe what it looks like a little bit? Sure. Yeah. So we're just like, get very sensitive to each other's words in certain moments. I've been realizing that I've just been very attached to this idea of like getting married and very much like wanting this particular outcome. I've said that from like the very beginning and early stages of dating that I wanted to get married. Initially, like he always kind of like,
Like, yes, that's an option. And then like about a year in started to show some anxiety around that. And then there's just been a lot of pressure built up around this idea that like we're going to get engaged this year and had been really driving towards that. And then like the more that that
has been built up when we have these like little things, like this weekend, it was about like getting dish soap or something. Just like the energy ships, I get very anxious. He gets like emotionally withdrawn and it just like feels like we can't connect.
So what about dish soap is making you anxious and, and him withdrawal? Yeah, like a, like a, like my tone. So he was like, I'm going to go to CBS and get this thing. And I said, Oh, can you get dish soap on there too? And he said, text me if we need anything else. And I just like, I was in a rush. And I was just like, I don't have like an inventory of what we need. And it was just kind of like that, like,
Why did you get critical? Yeah. Why did you say it like that? Yeah. He didn't ask if you had an inventory. He asked if you could take a moment to go look and then let him know or not. Totally. And so it was just like this unconscious moment. Sure. And it's just felt like I have to be like kind of perfect. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about you have to be perfect or he has to be perfect.
I feel like I have to be perfect like those little unconscious moments, which I don't want to do like I spend a lot of time. What do you mean you have feel like you have to be perfect? Um, in order for.
like the relationship to move forward for him to feel like it's like okay to get engaged you feel like you have to be perfect gotcha okay yeah like I took that burden comment really personally and like really struggled to like receive that it was in the context of like we were so we did this like couples workshop months ago and like there's like this forgiveness conversation template
And so it was in the context of that where he was like, I need you to like acknowledge how hard this year has been for me and just like how emotionally exhausted it's been. It's felt like a burden at times. And then like I really took that to heart. So is this session. Was this year hard for him because of you in the relationship or are there other aspects like work in both? Okay. Yes, both. All. Yeah. Okay. Well, well, how much of it has been work?
a good portion. But I think they feed into each other of like feeling exhausted at the end of the weekend, going into Monday, just like depleted to be in the context that he's made the burden comment. He did say like, I don't currently feel this way. I just need to like some acknowledgement of like how much like I've overextended myself and like, you know, we've also been talking a lot about his boundaries of like not telling me that he wasn't really like able to give more.
Give more. Speak more. Try to try to be more specific in what you mean in terms of when you say, you know, because it's like, is it work? Is it the relationship? Is it like, what is he, what is he sacrificing?
I mean, I think if I had to guess, he feels like he's like, he sacrificed kind of some of his own voice. Like I feel like he has been driving towards this engagement as a way to like appease my anxiety. And he's been telling me with his words that that's what he wanted and like things are okay. But I'm realizing in the last few days that like,
His behaviors haven't necessarily matched up. And that's where my anxiety was coming from of like the inconsistencies in his behavior and his words. And so, you know, when we go to ring shopping and then he like pulls back like that. Like, yeah. Why are we there if he's not fully on board? And then that would kind of send like me into some sort of spiral, you know, anxiety, wanting like reassurance.
Is this like a daily event with you guys? It's been weekly for a while. And so we're kind of at this point of like this happened over the weekend and we just started like taking some space right now. I'm going to sleep at a friend's house. You're going to sleep at a friend's house. Yeah, just to get a little more space while we can, before we can come, I want to enter the next conversations we have like more grounded. And what is sleeping at your friend's house going to do? I feel like we've just been caught up in each other's energy, you know, like,
Fair enough. How did you guys resolve this? They're so situation. Yeah. So later that day, or I apologized multiple times and just said, like, I'm like, I'm sorry. Like that was just, you know, I didn't mean to mean to do that. I'm really sorry. He just like kind of struggled to let it go later in the day. We went on a walk, not like us barely talked. And on the way home, I just kind of, that's when I said, like, I feel really defeated and powerless right now of like how to change this, like,
I love you so much. I want to be with you. And is there a but, though, for you? That's what I'm trying to figure out is what does it look like to have full commitment right now with each other? Because my therapist says that my relationship to the idea of marriage is messed up and that I've been looking for it as a place of safety when the only safety that we have is
commitment to each other and our commitment that like we can grow. I would definitely agree with your therapist. Yeah. The way you talk about marriage, just in our very brief conversation, it's like you've decided that marriage is, like you said, if you can get there, if you can just get across that finish line, then everything will be okay. Then you can stop worrying then, because you'll have a husband and he'll be stuck with you forever. And you'll never have to worry about being alone again, because you'll have your husband.
I think I have been hyper focused on that and I'm realizing. Can you change your viewpoint and let that go? Because based off of talking to you, it sounds like that would probably be a subconscious thought you have towards marriage. I mean, when you articulate it, it's your subconscious thought and your conscious thoughts seem to be pretty aligned.
But more, more specifically, I guess how I'm trying to say it as this, like your subconscious thought is probably causing you to project in ways towards him that make you feel like a burden. You know, I guess it's the lack of a better way of saying it. And yeah, it's, it's, you know, in terms of how you are acting towards him, a lot of that is probably cause in terms of, of, of that. Have you looked into your like attachment style?
I mean, I'm sure it's anxious. I'm not an expert in it. Yeah. But you know, listen, I do think people look up attachment styles for sometimes the wrong reasons and apply the information they learn the long reasons, but I think it is. It's nice. Like I know, by talking to my therapist, I have a bit of abandonment issues, so to speak.
I don't like a lead with it. But like, oh, it's my abandonment issues. But you know, every once in a while, when I feel triggered, it is nice to be able to name that so that I can clock it, so to speak. And then instead of leaning into my being triggered, it's basically an opportunity to be like, well, maybe it's just like my, you know, abandonment issues causing me to feel these intense feelings. Now it doesn't make it doesn't disqualify the feelings I'm having, but allows me to calm down a little bit.
You know, because like when we feel the way we feel, we want to articulate our feelings to our partners, we want our partners to hear us, but sometimes what stops us from being able to accurately communicate how we're feeling in a way that our partner can receive it is often ruined by how we approach communicating that feeling. And if we get triggered, we're activated, we have these intense feelings.
And when we're kind of triggered and feeling the tense feelings, then we're not capable of articulating things or a feeling. And then we sometimes yell at them and make comments like, I don't know, you know, inventory or whatever the fuck.
Totally. So I think I'm deeply afraid that maybe he's hold that his resistance or the discrepancy in his words and behaviors around marriage is like his deep down like he's holding me at arm's length and isn't really committed the way he says. I mean, you know, he's there. I mean, what's the, listen, when it comes to trust, trust is a choice. I really, I really believe that, you know, and you can be wrong, right? You can choose the trust and
You can realize I shouldn't have trusted that person, you know, in that moment, at least. But you have to actively choose to trust someone because you can actively choose not to trust people too. And that's what your default is to not trust your partner. How recently has your therapist revealed to you your view on marriage and that it needs maybe some work? We saw her for the first time, maybe like 18 months in. And she kind of said something to this effect. And I was very
resistant to giving up the idea of wanting marriage as like a goal for us. I don't think you should give up marriage as a goal for either you or this relationship.
It's how you approach that goal and how you go about achieving that goal. Totally. That's what matters. Yeah. So it's the goal. I don't think your goal is the problem. Yeah. Right. It's the seeking safety in that instead of looking at what I have, it's the thinking that that will solve something in me.
Exactly. Um, cause it won't, you know, like you, you, people get divorced all the time. People engaged all the time. Uh, it just makes it out and it just makes it more of a pain in the ass, to be honest. Like the only thing that makes relationship works is a desire to make it work from both parties. I think that's it. You know, you just both have to want to wake up and choose to figure it out.
Yeah. People give up in situations like you're describing when they lose hope or they feel like they've tried everything and they can't get anywhere. I think he feels like he's giving so much and I'm still not happy because I want that one particular thing. Well, can you let that thing go?
I want to have the mental flexibility to see how else we could define full commitment. He has a lot of trauma. His parents have each been divorced three times. So there's a lot of fear there about marriage on his side. So I understand some of his fears also. Part of it has nothing to do with me.
Forgetting about his trauma or your trauma or whatever. Again, as you seem highly intelligent, self-aware, but can you wrap your brain around the idea?
That if you can, if you can, like you and I can sit here and talk and you can acknowledge that marriage is not going to give you the security that you desire because at the end of the day, this me, when I'm hearing from you, this is about you finding security. Yeah.
You know, you want to feel secure and safe in this relationship. Okay, that's a valid feeling a goal to have. We all want to feel safe and secure. You somewhere along the lines have decided that marriage is that security and safety that you need, right?
But through this conversation, you can also acknowledge that is a misguided, inaccurate viewpoint of what marriage is, especially in 2024. I mean, listen, yeah, back in 1950, you marriage might have been this, you know, it's like, yeah, it's not, he can't even, he can't leave me. I mean, he also thinks of me as his property, but hey, at least I'm secure. You know what I'm saying?
If you wanted to go there, marriage used to have the security, but it's not. It's 2024 and thankfully it is because now women aren't seen as property as it relates to marriage. Women have as much agency as men and you have the freedom to remove yourself from a situation that's no longer serving you if it's no longer serving you.
It's more costly, it's inconvenient, it requires lawyers, but we now can leave any type of relationship, including a marriage, if it's no longer serving us. And serving us might mean a variety of different things to different people. So if you can just, you and I, you're saying yes, you can acknowledge all that.
Why can't you just implement that mindset into your life? Why can't you just realize that like, listen, if I want security in my relationship, then I need to work with my partner on finding out how we can both do that. So I can feel like every day we wake up and choose, and today we choose each other. And then tomorrow, I hope that we choose each other again.
On some level on that mindset, there's a little bit of like uncertainty because, hey, every day you got to choose each other and you don't know if he's going to choose you tomorrow, even though he's choosing you today. Yeah.
But every day that goes by where you are more connected with your partner than disconnected, it vastly increases the chances of you choosing each other. So just like using logic, why can't you tell yourself that you don't need marriage to get the thing that you ultimately want, which is security? That's a great question that I'm grappling with. How do I? Well, why can't you just decide?
Maybe I'm oversimplifying it. I didn't say, you know, we didn't, it's not like I saw you on the street and we had, we shared an elevator and randomly you're like, I need to get married to be secure. And I was like, no, you don't. And then I walked out the elevator.
You know, and you'd be like, well, what do you mean? You don't hear like, sure, but we just talked about why you don't, right? Yeah. So not, you know, the why you don't need to. Why can't you implement the why into your life? Yeah. I don't know. I like, like, therapist who's the word brainwashing like, like, just like, I've come to believe that. Yeah.
I'm somewhere in my subconscious that is like, if a man loves you, he does this. And yeah, it's outdated. But do you change your logic? I mean, I ever had like an aha moment in your life where you thought one thing and then someone like showed you something, you're like, holy shit, like, yeah. Totally. Yeah. Well, did you, did you struggle to still believe the thing that they showed you that opened your eyes to like a new, a new truth, so to speak?
Mm. Right. No, right. I can't even think like a specific example, but I know that you get the logic. I understand what you're saying. That is just kind of a complete life. The way you're talking to me and the way you're acting is it's like we're, you see the truth. Like someone's like, Hey, you know, marriage used to be this, but actually it's this now and I'm showing you the two and you're like, Oh, no, I totally see that now.
but I'm still gonna, whatever, I still see it this way and I can't help but see it that way. To me, what I'm hearing is you don't wanna see it differently and you're choosing not to see it differently. Even though you say you want to. I want to get out of my own way. No, I very much want to get out of my own way. I see that I'm in my way. So, well, I guess part of it, it starts by saying, let's say I got a guy, I hung up the phone, I'm like, we left and you never talked to me again.
Yeah. I don't doubt that your subconscious brain and how your subconscious brain makes your body feel in moments of anxiousness or anxiety, that's not gonna change overnight. But when that does happen, when your body and your subconscious brain starts obsessing over why hasn't he proposed to me or why haven't we got married,
Why can't you consciously say to yourself, that wouldn't get me the security I'm desiring? Marriage isn't giving me that, are you having those conversations with yourself? Because you need to do that. To change how you think, you have to start reminding yourself
You know, your default is to attach security to marriage. That's your default. You have to change your default and the change your default. You kind of have to keep reminding yourself that that's wrong. Even though that's how your body feels, maybe. Right. And I guess I think the thing that's in my way is how do I hold the desire for it for marriage and yeah, that kind of commitment while also understanding that that is not the thing that gives me ultimate security.
Well, you can, because you, I don't know, you make it a goal and say like, I mean, I don't know, like for me, I grew up in a very traditional household, right? And so very traditional values. And so as a young man, I shared in those traditional values and very much wanted to get married and have the kids and have the whole, whatever the fuck, you know, didn't work out for me in my 20s, the way I'd planned.
In my 30s, I was given some unique opportunities to take some risks with my life. I said yes to those risks, dated throughout my 30s, and then late into my 30s and 40s as I was still very much had a desire to be a father and very much had a desire to have a life partner. My desire to get married was like,
I was like, I don't know. I mean, if the person I fall in love with wants to get married, then sure, I'm not against marriage, but I stopped thinking that marriage was going to get me what I wanted, which was the connection I wanted to have a shared life with someone.
Right. And so it was more like, yeah, sure, I want to get married. But like it went from being this thing, this benchmark of my life, this measuring stick of success in my relationships to be like something I was still like open to doing. But I understood the finer details of what went into the thing I desired, you know, which is the connection, the security, the shared experience with someone for the rest of my life, a teammate, you know, a partner.
You know, what about the logistical aspect of it? Like, I don't know, I feel like there's this threat of like combining finances or like doing other like big things like that, you know, someday buying a house like with someone who you're not married to. Like, I know people do that. Of course, it's just like, for me, it's been like scary and has extra uncertainty around it.
What, which part? What's be more specific? Like the, you know, legal aspects of like buying a house. And then if you split up, are you buying a house, same protections? Yeah, something like that. But no, I'm asking you, are you buying a house? No, no, no. I'm just, no. I guess my answer to your question is worry about those problems as they come along. Like, do you have a job?
Okay. I have a job yet. Are you in the do so you can afford to take care of yourself? Totally. Can he afford to take care of himself? Totally. Then there you go. Yeah.
I mean, you know what I'm saying? You're worrying about problems that aren't problems, and then you're making them problems, and then you're expecting both of you to solve a problem that doesn't even exist, and that takes energy and stress, and you are creating problems that aren't there, and it's taking both of your energy to solve these problems that aren't even problems. When are we going to get married? How do we buy a house together? I mean, I don't think you should buy a house together.
You know, one of you should buy a house and the other person should pay rent. You know, and you will both be glad that you did that in case something doesn't happen. And yeah, and then they were like, oh, well, that's the thing I'm worried about. I don't want to like, again, he can divorce you. You can divorce him. You know, it's just way more complicated, you know, and you don't want to be the reason you guys stay together be because it's hard to break up. Right. And I also don't want to.
force him into a future, drag him into my version of the future. If he doesn't fully like, fuck, yes, want it. Correct. Now, granted, like, I do think, you know, not negotiable, you know, you should want to know if he is interested in having children. Yeah, he is. Okay. We're on the same page with that. Great. Right. So that matters. As far as marriage, you know, less important because again, as we just discussed, what is really marriage in 2024?
Uh, other than like, you know, maybe that final step of like, I'm really in this thing, you know, and we're committed to each other, but even then, you know, it's all it is is a contract in a ceremony, but it doesn't really give you that much more security. I think it was helpful. Just like seeing, yeah, like getting out of my own way has to be recognizing that and having that internal dialogue that
But that is the wrong place to seek safety. Yeah. I just hope that he'll still choose me. We're kind of at this. We're at a real fork in the road right now. His energy has shifted and I've been through breakups before. I can tell. Sure. Yeah. There you go. Something's different now and I'm not sure if he's going to keep choosing me. Well, I'm sorry you're going through that. But listen, I
I think men in general, like how we are talked to matters. After a while, all they want is a cheerleader. They really do. It's all they want. They just want someone who believes in them, who cheers them on, supports them, pats them on the back. And when you need to give them tough love, give them tough love. They do not want a mom.
Yeah i've had that realization recently that i was mothering and pulled back on that and he saw a shift immediately and was like so happy about it and just really gave me a lot of affirmation that like that's how he wants me to show up and when i show up like that he feels so much better and like better about our future and. Yeah i mean he didn't call ring shopping because he wanted.
to get engaged, he went ring shopping to shut you up. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He went ring shopping to appease me because afraid of losing me in. Yeah. So, I mean, listen, you have to make the choice.
Yeah. And you have, I think my, you know, non-expert opinion is like at some level, you just have to decide whether you want to change your thought process or not. I mean, yeah, there's a work to do along the way and you'll, every day you'll have moments of weakness of wanting to give in to your subconscious thoughts, but you have the emotional maturity, I'm assuming.
in the intellate and the you do and but you have to make that choice you have to make that choice to remind yourself and and if you need to say it out loud yourself say it out loud take it off the table what changes what really changes in your relationship when you're just i don't know merit merit i don't know like whatever
I don't want to have kids with this man until we're ready to have kids. We're not ready to have kids, but I'm glad that I'm with someone who wants to have kids. As far as marriage, we'll get married when we both feel like it's a smart, safe thing to do financially. But every time he is like, hey, I'm going to go on a grocery run, and he asks you a question, and you lose your shit on him for no reason. And I ain't going to make him want to go ring shopping.
And we all have moments of frustration, but you again, you're frustrated about a problem you're creating. Yeah. And so then you're constantly frustrated. Yeah. And the solution to your frustrations is for him to do something he's not comfortable doing because he's only doing it to have you be less mean to him. That's true. And
I want to be the kind of person. I believe that I, I mean, I believe that I am someone who's capable of growth. I want to be the person who has that mental flexibility to get out of that rigid mindset that like, this is just what you're supposed to do. Um, when you've been together this long and you love each other and you say you're committed, like, that this is like the marker of success. Like I don't want to have that rigid mindset. I want to be our love is bigger than that. Did the act of moving in together bring you closer together?
Yeah, I remember saying I was so much happier. Like I didn't even expect how good it would be like moving in together was a really great time. But for how long? I think problems started popping up around 18 months. And then like around two years, it started to be at a pace that was like, this doesn't feel good.
I'd be willing to bet you thought it was a really great time because again you took moving in as a benchmark that you needed and then you got what you wanted and it sounds like you both were probably generally interested in moving in together which for me other than getting engaged or married is the only barometer that you're both equally excited.
Good for, you know, thankfully it sounds like you both were easily excited, but for you, it did more than it did for him, which was give you this security. And so that you, I'm guessing, chilled the fuck out for a period of time. And that was the period in time that you guys really enjoyed. And then time had passed, and then you as part of your subconscious brain said, this is no longer good enough. I need another benchmark.
You know, because now that we've moved in together and so immediately you started adding pressure to yourself and then subsequently him to meet this benchmark that he was like, I don't actually don't know for ready because in fact, things haven't gotten better. They've gotten worse. That's so true.
Yeah, the timelines has been like the biggest fucking issue. And I think that's why it's all coming to a head now because like the timeline that we were going to get engaged just like at this peak where it's so obviously not happening. And I'm just kind of having to like let go of this thing that I thought would had to be there in order to be happy. And you're right. When we move, when we were moving in, I said multiple times this to me means that we're on the path to getting married. You'll let that shit go.
It's helpful to hear from you. I get a lot of different opinions about this of like, it's okay to have that be, you know, the thing that you want. It is okay to have that be the thing that you want, but how you apply that again, it's about what you do with that goal and how important that goal and what does that goal getting you? And again, especially when it comes to marriage, it's like,
I mean, honestly, it's 2024. And as I say, this is someone who recently was married and so far so great. And our wedding was a real magical day and really glad we did it and made the money. But at the end of the day, it's also kind of a symbolic thing and nothing more. You know, that's what our therapist says. It's just a symbol you have to focus on having the real thing underneath it.
Yeah, which is the commitment and a lot of miserable married people out there. Do you want to be married and miserable? No, it's the irony is that my parents are married and miserable. And I don't know why I'm trying so hard. Can you let that stuck to someone? Well, can you let it go? I mean, why? I want to. I want. Yeah. If you want to, then you can. And the disconnect is you saying you want to, but actually not choosing to.
Right. I'm making a concerted effort to choose to every day. I think I have some deep down fear that maybe I'm broken or something and can't do it. But like, I want hearing it from you. You got some damage. You got some shit. You got to work through whatever. You got some abandonment issues. I'm guessing you got some action attachment styles. I'm guessing, you know, like, again, that's something you can
When you're feeling anxious or disconnected, you could talk to your therapist, you can talk to your partner, but it's a lot easier to have a feeling about whatever your partner and to be able to go to your partner and just, hey, I'm feeling disconnected. Can we whatever connect?
with everything that you guys are working on right now is so fucking loaded because it's just like he's just, you know, it's all about the end game about like you're just like, well, if I do or say something wrong, he's not going to propose to me. And he's just like, oh, fuck, it's just like, I mean, you know, it's just like you can't you guys haven't really focused on your guys's connection, I'm guessing in a while. It's just more.
And again, when he says things like, I've made like sacrifices and whatever, and I want some acknowledgement, like, work, sure, you know, it's just like, hey, you know, maybe he's made some, maybe he's donated his time or whatever. And maybe he wants a little acknowledgement for, you know, but like his relationship, like you don't bring in this immediate burden that he has to like choose to deal with. Like it's, you know, you are again, you're, it's, it's more about you creating problems that aren't existing. Right.
Yeah, I've been making myself crazy. And as a result, how often do you have to apologize to him for how you speak to him? I think on a or how passive aggressive. Are you passive aggressive? Yeah. Happens like weakly lately. So probably somewhere in there is like a tone thing. Yeah, that's a lot.
It's a lot. Yeah. It's not sustainable. Like we're very aware of that. That's why I'm, I think I'm finally at this point of like I'm desperate to change it. And that maybe is what is, that is the thing that's going to get me to change this mindset is like I'm on the verge of losing him. And I don't want that. Like I feel that he's the person I'm supposed to be with. Okay. Well, you know, deeply want to be with you have to get to a place where you let go of the idea of marriage, not for him, but for yourself.
Yes. Yeah. You know, yeah. It's just like, I, you know, you have to tell yourself, of course, I'd love to get married. And I would love to be able to cultivate a relationship with the person that we both feel ready to get married. Just like it sounds like when you moved in together, how did you, what made you guys move in together? We were excited. We wanted to.
Right. There you go. Right. That's all it really takes. People often, you know, just like, just like getting engaged or getting married when moving in nowadays has become this like artificial benchmark where it says like, well, we've been together for a year and our leases are up. I think we should move in together. And then oftentimes someone's like, well, you know, are you sure we're ready? And the other person starts negotiating and says, well, you know, I think if we just look at it, you know, we would save money. And it's just like,
Yeah, but like, are you sure we're ready? It's like, but we would say, and then like someone and then this starts conceding and it's just like, uh, that's never great. But just like when you guys moved in together, you were all excited and happy to do it. And again, that's why for a period of time, it was a really great moment because you allowed to just enjoy the moment. But as soon as it wasn't good enough and you needed another benchmark, you started introducing problems that weren't there. That is so spot on.
And if your partner is having a job where he's stressed out a lot and why don't you focus on how I'm being the person he can turn to when he's stressed. You know, what's his love language? Physical touch, words of affirmation. I mean, quality time too. Okay. Well, words of affirmation. When was the last time you told me your problem?
I do tell them I'm proud of them. Yeah, it's been tough and I definitely say that. I think what's also, I mean, we probably just even made it through this year because of the swings of like, you know, there's these really shitty moments and then like something stabilizes during the week. And I'm like, I don't have so fucking crazy. So I mean, can you, can you work on that? I mean, because
Yeah. The only thing you have going against you right now is like, if you come to him and say, Hey, I don't want to get married anymore. It's going to come across as crazy. Cause it's such a, cause it's such a 180. I mean, I think I can say I'm, I'm working on releasing the attachment to this as like the measure of our relationship and my, you know, my, my worth. I mean, you could also say it like, listen, like you've said to me, I feel you pulling away.
And I've been doing a lot of reflecting. And I understand. I really do. And we've had all these talks about marriage. But in these past few days of feeling like I might be losing you, I'm really realizing that it's not the marriage that I need to make me happy. It's you. I need you in my life. However, we can be together. Ultimately, that's how I want to be with you. And I want to be with you because we make each other happy, not stress each other out.
And for the role I've played and adding stress to our life, I'm sorry. And that's something I really am working on and I need to work on that. I've realized that I've created problems in our relationship that don't exist. And I appreciate that it must have felt like a really huge burden on you to try to acknowledge my frustrations even though you weren't sure where these frustrations were coming from or you didn't really know what to do with these frustrations.
Because you're mad, it's like his option was to dismiss your anger or play along with something that you're creating. It's like a lose-lose. How do I define full commitment and not feel that he's keeping me at arm's length, if he doesn't want to get married?
Again, in that situation, when you think of this question and we can divide into this question about security, but the way you ask the question is you're going back to marriage. How do I get the security I'm looking for if I'm not? It's not about marriage. No, how do I define full commitment in a way that take marriage out of it so that I don't feel
that I'm being kept at arms like, like, you know, it's well, it's a full commitment to me is showing up. I'm old enough. And I guess have, have been around the block enough and have had enough of shitty things in my relationship. I've happened where you can call me a cynical, but you will call me a real list. But like, I just don't take anything for granted when it comes to my romantic relationships. I'm married. I have a wife. I still don't take it for granted. I don't sit there and say things like nothing could break us up. That's not true.
Yeah. You know, I don't sit there and operate like, you know, yeah, like we're inseparable. We're nothing. A million things could destroy my marriage. Yeah.
You know, and I don't sit there and say that to my, to psych myself out, you know, to live in fear. I say that one is a reminder to not take anything for granted. Two to show up every day and put in the work required to like have a connection and then hold myself more importantly. And if need be at times, my partner, if I feel like, you know, we're disconnecting and it's just like, hey, just checking in type of thing. And she, you know, has to do the same.
But for me, then that acknowledgement of anything, there's no guarantees. Again, I can only control 100% of my half of my relationship with my life. It's all I can do. I can't make her do her half. But I don't sit there and feel less connected to her because there's a possibility she might not show up one day and listen, whether it's like,
stresses of her life being a mom, her body changing, her personal goals and the ambition. She has a lot of other things she's going to worry about and stress out about that might make us feel disconnected at times. But at the end of the day, it's just about showing up and choosing each other and saying, Hey, I love you. I'm here for you. I'm grateful that I have you in my life. You're the best part of my day today. You know, like I really had a stressful day. I was really glad to come home to you because like you created an environment of sanctuary and not like I got to go home and deal with.
My girl who's probably gonna give me shit about something and then ultimately bring it back to like why I'm not asking her propose to me because that's the environment you've created now. And now you're now your partner has no sanctuary. Work is this work? It's fucking work, right? And now he comes home and he's got to work on that, right? And he's gonna like fuck.
And like, where's his sanctuary? You know what I'm saying? And I would, for you, I would want you to focus your energy on creating a sanctuary with your partner. It used to be your home. It used to be that civil because you move in together and you guys were excited, but you got to get back to that place where your relationship is a sanctuary for the both of you. And you have to be open to the possibility
That no, there's no, you know, if you want to be in a romantic relationship, you have to assume the risk that comes with it. And that's heartbreak. And that can happen from both of you checking out. It can happen from life or, or, you know, health problems or who know, you know what I'm saying? Like disappointment is around the corner for all of us, you know, death happens to us all. And so it's, you know, don't sit there and have anxiety and worry about the future. You got to be present and appreciate the moment comes down to that.
Yeah, that was very, that was a good reality check. And I hate that I have created that. Well, don't be yourself up over it, you know, like it today is a new day, you know, and so you can always start, you can always start anew. Yeah, break down for breakthrough, he said. No, that's my hope.
But remember, you can control your thoughts. And if you need to say out loud, things like marriage isn't the answer that I'm looking for, then say it out loud. Remind yourself what makes you happy. And like, I just want a partner who shows up for me every day. That's all I, that's all I want, right? And I want to make it easy for my partner to show up for me. I'm going to show up for him, you know, and you make it about showing up for each other and not about making, I'm going to, I'm going to be a good wife. So I get the ring.
Well, I think, you know, right? Because you want you want it to be like one day you want to just have him be like, I should marry this woman. And you should honestly be like, yeah, you should honestly not care that much. It should be like, okay, well, if you really want to, then I'd be happy to be your fiance. But like, sure, you know, because at the end of the day, I'm happy we have each other. Yeah. Need to hear that. All right.
I stick around so I can do that with him empathize with her he's out
I mean, I mean, spend the time at your friends, but like at the end of the day, this is about recognizing that like you've lost the plot when it comes to why you two should be in this relationship. And you've made it all about the end game, which is marriage. And you realize it was foolish and misguided. And you don't want that. And if he's still willing to show up in this relationship, you would like to go back to a place where like, you know, unfortunately, I've made our relationship, not the safe space I want it to be. And that's what I want to focus on. And I want to work towards that.
You know, and that's more obtainable than this, you know, saying, I'm going to be this person because it is going to take some work, but you have, he has, you know, totally, you have to want to do it together. Yeah. And just acknowledge, you know, that because it sounds like your willingness to acknowledge like what was the thing you said you acknowledge and you really appreciated it.
Oh, that I've been mothering him. Yeah, right. So like, yeah, and you got a real, you know, so like he just like, you want to be seen, he wants to be seen too. And he, you know, he wants a partner, not a mom. He wants a sanctuary, not another job or a problem. He doesn't want something he needs to work on at home. I mean, that's relatively, like, we'll all have to do that, you know, to a certain extent, but like, you know, make it easy and fun. Get back to your roots. Yeah. I want that.
Okay. All right. Thank you. So grateful for your time. Well, I appreciate the call. Please keep us posted how things progress. Feel free to call back. And if he wants to call in with you, I'll do that if he's down. Yeah, he's very, he's open to that kind of thing. Um, yeah. Let's hopefully we stay together and then we can do that.
Well, either way, just give it a beat. It sounds like, yeah, I'm still optimistic for you too. Yeah, but I'm guessing yesterday that like something about relationship is about rupture and repair. We're in a season of repair. Yeah. The energy has shifted, but that at least is heartening.
Plus the energy is sifting because he just, he's just probably exhausted. He's given up. You gotta give him some hope, right? So give him hope in the moment of showing him through your how you communicate that you, you actually understand as opposed to you're just saying it to get your way. Yeah, I've been saying, I've been doing some stuff to try and get my way. And yeah, it is time to actually surrender to letting there be uncertainty.
Yeah. And I think your big epiphany is realizing that it wasn't moving in that made that made things that made things happen. Yeah. It was checking off the next step in the relationship escalator. Well, for you, it was freeing up the burden of having to worry about the next step and for whatever period of time you felt like moving in did that. That allowed you just to enjoy each other and then you stopped enjoying him and then you gave him an assignment.
Well, fuck. Yeah. I bet if you say it like that to him, it will resonate. All right. Thank you. Good luck. Keep us posted. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye.
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With better help, visit BetterHelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L today and get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Hi, I'm Samantha. I'm 38 and the father of my children keep disrespecting my boundaries and it's taking a toll on my marriage. Okay. What boundaries is he disrespecting?
pretty much everything that I try to set in place when it comes to our children. A little background, my children are grown now. I have a 18 year old who's soon to be 19 and a 17 year old who's soon to be 18. Whenever I ask or try to give guidance on how we want to do situations with the kids,
It's always like, well, whatever we'll do what you want to do. And then it turns around and he plays the guilt trip on my kids and they are upset, which in turn makes me upset. The co-parenting just has never really been co-parenting for the last 17 years. Well, the good news is you're almost done co-parenting. So there's that.
Well, that's what I like to think, but at the same time, I feel like it hasn't changed and it's not going to change. Well, that's entirely up to you. And that's really what my question is. Is there a way of me walking away and keeping my kids as priority without having conversations or dealing with their father at all? I feel like I constantly have to be in the middleman for everything. What do you mean? Say more.
So for instance, just last night, we had a banquet for my son's football. And I asked him, Hey, did your dad RSVP? There's only two seats allowed per person. So if he's not going to make it, I would like to take my husband, of course, because he wants to be a part of things as well. He says, I don't know, you know, you have to reach out to my dad because he hasn't said anything. So I turn around and I reach out to his dad and he's like, Oh, can you send me in the information? Of course, I want to go.
So I sent him the information. He's included on all the emails as well, but you know, he kind of needs that hand holding and that's what it's been for the last 18 years. So I feel like if I were to totally remove myself in the situation and put it back on the children to make sure that they are letting their dad know of everything. So they're not upset that he doesn't show up then things get missed and their feelings that don't getting hurt rather than
me just playing the middleman and taking the brunt of whatever it is that I have to take. What do you mean by that last part? So again, like I said, it's taken a toll on my marriage because my husband does not like him at all. You know, he's not been a very good co-parent at all while you've been married for to your husband? Almost six years. Okay. Been together for eight. Okay.
So he thinks I enable the behavior and it gets upset because I am so involved and I really try not to be. I really take myself out as much as I can. And then I get upset because give me an example from the perspective of your husband of how he might if he were on this call and I were to say, how is your wife enabling this behavior? And what would you like to see her do differently? How do you think he would answer that?
Um, I don't know if I can answer for him. I can just tell you his frustrations that he voices to me is me being the middle man. You know, me constantly saying, Hey, just a reminder, you know, the kids have appointments at this, you know, or they have this coming up for school activities or whatever the case may be when it's kid related and you do that. Why do you do that?
Because I feel like at the end of the day, he's not going to follow through on his end if I don't be the person to remind him that things are coming up and happening. And what do you think your kids think? Well, I know that they feel a certain way about how he is lacking in a lot of aspects when it comes to being a father. You know, there was a recent situation over the holiday where they made the effort to go all the way to his family's house in
It was about an hour away. We were where we were having our dinner and he stayed there for a little bit and said, I'm going out, you know, guilt check them the whole time about them coming to visit. They made the visit. They made the drive. They did. And he left them within about an hour or so of being there to go out with his friends and they came home.
late at night, you know, have to leave in their family's house an hour plus away and we're upset, you know, like we've made all this effort and he just leaves like this is what he always does to us. And so they've voiced their frustration with me and me being the mama bear that I am, I wanted to text him that night and
be furious, but my husband right then there said, do not dare. Don't you dare do it. So I stopped and I did it. But the next day, you know, as I was talking with the kids, I was like, did your dad ever reach out to you? You know, what's going on? Are you guys going to go visit him this, you know, today? And they're like, well, he hasn't called us, whatever, you know,
Then within an hour, he calls them and says, hey, you guys coming over because my daughter had flew in for the holiday. So they jumped up and they left because dad called. And from that, that just made me mad because it's like, he expects them to jump up and go and do whenever he has when it's convenient. And when they do, they get, you know, for lack of better words, shit under the stick. Okay.
Well, the good news is from what I'm hearing, your problems are completely fixable. I think your husband's right. Listen, and I want to, I want, and Justin chime in if you want, Justin is a product of a divorced family. I am not. Um, and I don't have 17 and 18 year old kids. So take my advice with a grain of salt. That being said, I feel, I feel confident about this, for example. I think, listen, be appreciative of the fact that your kids are now adults, essentially.
Right. One is literally adult. The other one's going to be adults. Like whatever job you and your, their biological father and, and your husband has done his parents, like it's done. It's kind of done at this point. Right. Right. Yeah. You've, are you raised? Sure. I mean, listen, you'll always be there for them. Right. But they are adults. Right. You know, listen, I'm not telling you how to be a parent, but I hope
That as your kids enter their adult life, you give them an opportunity to be adults and your relationship, I hope, evolves where it's less of you telling them what to do and offering them guidance when they ask for it, you know, right. And I think if you do that with your kids, you will continue to build that relationship with your kids.
I guess my point of asking you what your kids think is like, your kids are old enough. Your kids are smart. They have opinions about who their father is and who their father isn't at this point. You don't need to protect them, I guess, in a way anymore. And your ex-husband is no longer your husband. It's not your job to tell him what to do anymore. He probably won't even listen. You know what I'm saying? And like, you really can't protect your kids anymore the way maybe you thought you could when they were five, six, seven, eight, or nine years old. You know what I'm saying?
Even if your daughter flies into town to see dad, he's not going to stop him to go out for a bar. And listen, your kids are going to, they're not jumping just because dad says when is like, despite their father's flaw as a father, your kids still have a desire to have a relationship with their dad, despite their dad not being the best dad, right? So, and at the end of the day, I think my guess is your two kids know who's been there when they needed them the most.
And I'm guessing it's you, right? So like, if this is about like winning between you and your ex-husband, you've already won, right? And so, you know what I'm saying? It's just like, you don't need to fight their battles. Give your kids the opportunity to fight their own battles. Support them in their fights if they ask for your help. But you know what I'm saying? Like, but you
picking a fight with your ex-husband just to let him know once again how wrong he is so that he can ignore you and then you can be stressed out and then bring that stress into your current marriage isn't doing you any good. Right.
I just, I feel like I built a codependency and I'm trying to break away from that to where he, because he does, you know, like, I need this information. I need this information. I have tried to stop the communication as a recent where I was just like, don't, after a big fight, I was like, I just want you to like lose my number.
And what are your kids want? Have you ever asked your kids who are a one as adult ones on the verge? How would your kids want you to operate? Is it relates to their relate your relationship with their father? And how would they like how would they like you to handle? For example, the football event, you know, have you have you sat down with your son and been like, how would you like, how can I support you?
Because at the end of the day, I'm guessing you're telling yourself, well, listen, I just want my son to be happy and I'm assuming he wants his father there. But if his father doesn't want to be there or can't be there, his stepdad would like to come and support, right? But at the end of the day, did you ask your son? Well, yeah, I said, do you want your dad to go? And he said, of course, I'm like, OK, that's not a problem. OK. I'll send him the information. Well, I think the next step is to empower your son to if he wants his dad to go, then it's his job to let his dad know he wants to go. Right. And I think that's where I really
drop the ball a lot i do play mama bear a lot i want to make sure that they have what they need and like okay i'll do this for you so adults at this point they're not sixteen or fifteen and like listen teach men to fish you know i'm saying like your kids aren't going to always have mama bear there to like.
do basic things like this is a basic thing. This is communicating a calendar event to their father. It's not your job anymore. You're not married to this man. If they want a relationship with their dad, it's now on there. It's on them to
do that. Obviously it's his job as a father to have that relationship, but like your kids at this point are old enough to decide what kind of relationship they want with their father and what amount of energy they're willing to put into it. Obviously they can only do a hundred percent of their half when it comes to their relationship with their father and hopefully their dad steps up, but there's nothing you can do.
to protect them or to make up for whatever he's not doing on his end. All you can do is to continue to be the mom that you are and show up 100% on your end and support them. But you can't protect them in the ways that I think you're trying to protect them. And honestly, I think you trying to do things that they should be doing now and this day is your life is hurting them. Because they have to do this on their own.
They have to grow up. They have to be able to face adversity. They have to have, they have to be able to face confrontation. You know, I mean, I talked to every day, I talked to people who'd be like, I'm afraid of confrontation. Part of the reason people are afraid of confrontation is they've never had to face confrontation as young adults or young kids. And you listen, everything is practiced, makes perfect. So like, you know, the more you get used to having confrontation, less you're afraid of it. You know, so maybe this is an opportunity.
That makes sense. I guess, I mean, I feel like we still have some ties. I know there are adults. My daughter, like I said, she's off to college in another state. And we had agreed that we would pay the remaining portion of her tuition because it was only partially funded. And again, that financial burden falls on me because he can't afford to make the payment this month or that month or whatever the case is.
So like, how do I navigate those types of issues that are obviously not emotionally related to the children? Again, this is where me and my husband have an issue because he's, he wants, and I'm sure you'll agree with him. He wants my daughter to, to put the rest of that bill because this was her choice of going to that college. I don't agree. I can she afford it? Can we afford it? Can she afford it? She doesn't have a job. She could take out a student loan, but I really don't want her to, you know, come out of school with it.
We can. It's not the easiest payment. Our half we can make. But the other half, it's like something like we have to go without eating out for the week. Can we do that? Yeah, because we spend $200, $300 for six of us to go out to eat. I have a lot of kids.
I mean, listen, that one's a little bit more of a complicated question. I mean, like, I don't know if I'm it's, you know, I guess I have an opinion on how important my opinion is. All I can say is I empathize why you as a mother are more prone to want to cover that end so that your daughter can focus on school and not have to take out a loan and inquire debt at an early age. I can appreciate why your, your husband has a slightly more disconnected point of view. And that's something you guys are gonna have to work together, you and your husband.
But back to your ex-husband, it's just like what you guys need to do is stop commiserating over someone you can't control. I don't know if he's in the room commiserating, right? But like, you know what I'm saying? It's like your ex-husband does some shit that frustrates you guys. And then you guys will argue over why your ex-husband does what he does. It's like, what's the point of that? Yeah, no.
We do. And I, we, I try not to, because most of the time we agree on the principal, but at the end of the day, I felt like if it's impacting the children, then I'm going to just take the heat of it and deal with it and do it myself because I mean, listen, I, I don't know what I think that's a generalization, but like some, your kids need to face adversity and they need to learn how to overcome it.
I mean, within limits and you can be there, but like, you know, let your kid swim out to the deep end, so to speak, while you are quote unquote, playing lifeguard in their life, you know, you're close enough to be able to dive in the pool if they really need your help and they can't get to the.
metaphorically speaking, but let's see if they can make it. Let's see if they can figure it out. Your daughter will appreciate school if she's paying for it. I promise you that. Yes, I know I totally agree with that. I had to work jobs in college.
I had to work a lot of jobs in college and I competed in sports. Like if she really wants it, she'll make it work. And if she really can't do it, if she really isn't capable of doing it, maybe that's when you two can step in and save the day. But it seems that if I'm talking to you, you're very quick to like try to address a problem to avoid even your children experiencing the problem to begin with.
You're trying to protect them from remember even having any difficulty or inconvenience or things like that. And while again, it's a parenting choice. I'm not telling you what to do. I personally think that like you have to allow your kids to face some kind of adversity so they can learn how to overcome adversity because their life will be filled with it and mom won't always be able to be there. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it's just definitely growing up different. You know, obviously they have a lot more for them. I provide a lot more than, you know, what I was provided as a child. So I think it's kind of that of like, well, I want to give my kids what I'd never had. So it's definitely an internal battle. You already have. I'm guessing, you know, haven't you? I'm guessing their first 18 years of life are much different than yours.
Oh, yes. There you go. So not not all at first, you know, it took a long time to get to where we're at today, you know, but they definitely for the last eight years, you know, we've been definitely providing a lot of a more of a stability than that's awesome. But you should be very proud of that. And you should reflect on that and really feel a sense of pride and accomplishment from what you've been able to do. And, you know, especially having to deal with like a fucking deadbeat dad or whatever. And but now now that your kids
are adults. Now it's on you to try to change your approach a little bit and adjust. Because, like I said, they're adults now. The more you can prepare them for adult life, the more you will help them out. There's way too many mid-20-year-olds who don't know how to be adults out there. I know. I definitely feel like I'm contributing to
I'm just saying, you know, like, you know, your son, how old your son? He's 17. Do you not want your son to turn 24 and have his girlfriend being like, are you an adult? You know, why are you immature for your age? You know what I'm saying? Like, and babying him isn't going to get him to grow up.
Now you sound like my husband. Well, you know, it's not because it's not because we agree. It's because I think there's some truth behind it. But I think a big takeaway with regards to your husband is asking your kids what they would like you to how can you support them when it comes to their relationship with their father and outside of that you mind your business. Mm hmm. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't involve myself in his life or what's going on. Just things that impact the kids just really like stir me up. Well, that's that last part. That last part is your excuse. Like you in your head, your narrative is I mind my business. I don't stick my nose where it doesn't belong unless my kids are upset. So but anytime your kids are upset, you use that excuse to not mind your business.
Again, if your kids are upset, you go to your kids and say, how can I support you? And often your kids answers might be, I don't need nothing, Mom. I'm good. You can't change dad, Mom. You know, like, so it is. And your kids know that already. Your kids are old enough to understand who their father is and who he isn't. And you're not going to change that. And babying them isn't going to make up for their dad's shortcomings. Right. No, you're absolutely right.
So yeah, so how can you support them like this global thing like hey, do you want me like who do you want to go dad? Well, you're gonna have to let dad know just so you know because I'm not going to but if he dad doesn't want to go let me know because I want to bring Chuck Mm-hmm, you know, right? Absolutely. That's it and then you check in with your son not their father their dad. Yeah
And if your son's upset, let him be upset. And then empathize with him. Yeah, I'm sorry your dad is the way he is, blah, blah, blah.
You know, I know it's not the same as your father, but Chuck, you know, we're really happy. We're really proud of you, whatever, you know, like you can support your kids. You can do that without adding drama around their father, you know, and letting their father's actions rile you up. Like this man, you know who he is.
I mean, he has really, has he changed since you've met him? No, no, no. Why are you expecting him to do things differently? Why are you allowing this man to rile you up?
That's a really good question. I think that's something that I definitely should have worked on myself. I really thought I had that all in check, but not that you pointed out. Yeah, you're right. I let it when it comes to the kids, it's, it's no longer the emotional relationship between him and I. I've gone far past that. But when it comes to the kids, I think it just has all built up into just the kids. Sure. But all you're doing about this, but all you're doing is that it's affecting your mental health and your relationship with your husband. It's not helping your kids.
You're absolutely right. You are absolutely right. All right. We'll go forth and prosper and conquer. Okay. Well, I appreciate it. Thank you so much. All right. My pleasure. Happy holidays. Thanks. Take care. Bye. Bye.
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Hi, I'm Ali. I'm 31 years old and I am wondering if I need to come out to my family as gay over the holidays. Okay. You said the word need. Why need? I'm supposed to like should. Totally. I use the word need because I don't think I really want to, but I'm feeling some pressure to do so. By who or is it whom?
I think just like societal pressure entering the dating pool. I'm not super newly out, but I am out to everyone recently because I just moved cities this summer. And the place I was living before it was like not super safe or accepted.
for me to be gay, so I couldn't be out publicly. And so now that I'm actively dating women, I feel like it comes up as a red flag if your family doesn't know. So that's, I guess that's the pressure I'm feeling. Can you, I mean, forgive my ignorance. Can you educate me? Is why that's a red flag? Maybe Justin, feel free to chime in.
Um, I got that's, that's a really great question. I feel like it's so niche and nuanced and something that I'm just kind of figuring out and discovering. But if you're on a date with someone and they ask, Oh, is your family supportive? And you say that they don't know that you're gay. It tends to get like.
I would say 80% of the time I've gotten like not a great reaction. I can appreciate it. Just because it's like, oh, are you not being authentic or like you're hiding or you're not proud or like whatever. And it's like truly everyone in my life knows that I'm getting aside from my family for other reasons. What are those reasons?
I grew up in like a very conservative religious oppressive type environment and I am no longer religious and I actually didn't even consider the fact that I might be gay until I left the church and kind of like unpacked some of that suppression but my family is very much still
in that environment and I don't want to like say that I know what their reaction will be, but I can pretty confidently assume that they will pray for the salvation of my soul if I tell them I like girls. So that's kind of not really sure if I want to do that.
You're certain of that? I feel... Well, they might be... How many siblings do you have? I have one sibling, a brother. Okay. Where does he fall in the religious spectrum? Very religious. Do your parents know you're not religious? Um, like, I think if they looked at it with a critical eye, they could figure it out, but they've just kind of stopped asking because I think they don't want to know the answer.
Um, and so going back to your question, if I'm confident they would do that, I, or like not be accepting, I think.
50-50, they might be accepting on the surface, but I feel like 99% sure that my mom will then go to her church community and mourn the loss of her daughter's heterosexuality. And it'll be like they're praying that I repent from this sin. And like, they might not say it to my face. They also might say it to my face, but just like the thought of them like,
going and then praying for my salvation and my, just like my existence being sinful, just like, it just like irks me. Yeah, I get that. Yeah. Is there a way for you to get over you being irked?
And totally. Maybe. I'm not particularly close with my family. I've put a lot of distance because of the religious trauma. And so it's also like if I was dating men, I also wouldn't tell them about it.
Like if you were like this, let's say for, I mean, are you saying like, for example, if you were straight and you were just out there dating men and you were participating in hookup culture and having a bunch of sex, that would also be something you would be reluctant to share and communicate with mom and dad for fear that they also be worried about your soul for different reasons. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, one, I don't think you should tell mom and dad over the holidays. Okay. I mean, listen, you should tell them whenever you want to be clear as a heterosexual man who, you know, has no, I know what it's like to have siblings come out as gay in a very religious family, but unlike your parents, my parents have shown a willingness to become more open-minded and progressive as their kids have been opening their minds over the years.
And they're still religious, but they have definitely become less hardcore. So I'm very grateful and thankful for my parents and their willingness to do that. And so I think that's created a safe space for some of my siblings who have come out as gay.
And the only reason I said the holidays is because it's my like one time a year that I see them. So I didn't know if like in. I guess what I'm saying is just like, no, I don't. I mean, listen, it's not for me to say, but if you are asking my opinion, I don't know if you need to be in their presence. So to let them know, I don't know. Like I think that's more of a year. That's your choice, you know? And so if you want to be there to do it, great. But I don't like to me, this is your story. This is.
This is all about you, so whatever you want to do, I think is great. Can I ask a couple questions? Yeah. I know you said you're not as close to your family. How often do you talk to them at your?
Um, like in-depth conversation every maybe two or three months, but like texting a couple of times a week maybe, but like very surface level. Okay, but they're still like regular. You have a relationship with these people. Yes. Well, and the reason I was asking is you said everybody else in your life knows that you're out. Would you say that you've kind of have, you've had a chosen family that's replaced the role that they would have played?
Yeah, absolutely. So then what I would think, like, as far as, and it's just me streamlining a little bit, like the red flag conversation, because it is a tricky situation, is that... Wait, what do you mean by red flag conversation? Like I understand, like what you use the word red flag, but like when you're dating openly, like it is a tricky path to go down when one partners out and one partner is out.
If people are asking you, are you out to your family? The way that I see it is, if you're out to your chosen family, the people that actually matter to you, that have replaced that void of who is your family, then there's a way to navigate that conversation in that sense. The people that matter to me that I actually talk to, that actually know who I am, they do. For context, just my own life, not everybody in my life knows that I'm out. The people that matter to me do, my immediate family does. If people wanted to inquire, they could find out that I don't hide it.
That being said, same thing, my partner side. We don't fault each other for that because you don't owe anybody that truth. You're giving it to the people, your chosen family, that does matter. In a sense, that is your family.
The only caveat I would add to that if I may is so that you don't get caught up in a lie and like your partner feels like, well, that's just like semantics. Is it you say like, like you said to the people that matter and you could say like, I haven't, you know, you could be specific. I have not told my parents, but you could, there's a reason why.
But they're hard core religious and they seem to be unwilling to even hear that truth. So I haven't shared that truth. And that's just the relationship I have with my parents. But to your point, Justin, to the people who, the people I consider my support system, my family, the people I love, the people who are actively in my life, everyone knows.
Kind of thing, right? Yeah, I think that's a work or yeah from a dating standpoint. Yeah, that's a good work around. Thank you Justin Back to like when when and if you should tell your parents I say don't tell them over the holidays because it's like you're gonna make the holidays about
No, for sure. And then that just gives mom and dad more ammunition to be mad. You want to set your parents up for success, so to speak. I don't know if they're going to choose to be successful in this. But you do want to make it easy for them to be successful. That's my opinion. Other people listening might feel differently. They might be more adversarial. They might say it's not your job to make people comfortable, blah, blah, blah. But listen, these are your parents.
And families are complicated and relationships are complicated. I'm going to share something that people may disagree with. And I'm sharing this as someone who, from the perspective of knowing what it's like to grow up in a very religious family. And now I also say this not being gay. And I say this not having to feel judged on the level that you feel judged by the religion you were raised in. So there's an element of privilege I have in that department.
That being said, I sure know what it's like to have Catholic guilt and shame, regardless of the fact that I am straight, in the sense that, like, premarital sex, a lot of choices I made at his young adult, according to, you know, my parents and my religion, I was very much going to be burning in the hell along with you, you know what I'm saying? So, like, I still...
Yeah, type of thing. My ability to navigate that was to simply, I think, where a lot of people struggle, where it's just like, you know, your religion tells me I don't belong. And therefore, it's like, fuck you and fuck your religion and blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden, like, I have a big problem, for example, with society. Like, I think religion has its complications, for sure. I think religion is completely flawed. And I think religion also can and has been a very beautiful thing.
for a lot of people. Unfortunately, humans are flawed and humans have a way of ruining everything, including religion. But nevertheless, it has its benefits. I can still respect my Catholic faith that I grew up in. Many aspects of that religion I don't agree with.
There's a lot of aspects of that religion. I find to be disingenuous and a lot of people abusing aspects of that religion. There are things about that religion that contradict not only how I live my life, but how people I love live their lives, etc, etc. But it is a man made thing and it can be flawed. But you know, I don't sit there and for me personally,
I don't need to condemn the entire religion or reject it as a whole. Sure. Because of the fact that, for example, like the Catholic religion says being gay is a sin, you know, right? And I have a lot of gay family members who still are active in their church. But they, you know, it's the same reason if I wanted to, like, I didn't stop going to church because I wanted to have meaningless sex. You know what I'm saying? It was for different reasons I stopped going. But when I was having meaningless sex, I was still going to church.
Yeah. And I just, for me, I had my own relationship with God, so to speak. And regardless of what was in the book or whatever, I carved out my own relationship. And you can do that too. I guess all to say is that I went in that hole like rant because you said something that was kind of like you almost kind of resent your parents' faith because of how
they judge, they might judge you. This is about being happy, not about being right. Totally. Right. If you want to be right, then you can focus on the disconnect between your parents' religion and who you want to love. And you will be right, you know, because you have the right to love who you love. Right. If you want to be happy, to me, happy is having some kind of healthy relationship with mom and dad, even though even though they're potentially is a giant disconnect between how you live your life and how they want you to live your life.
And to do that, you have to empathize with them in a way that may not feel fair. So what do you think empathizing looks like then? If down the road, I do choose. Sure. Thank you. That actually was helpful. I was kind of getting lost in my rant. They don't know better. They don't know better.
I'm imagining your parents are beliefs. Your brother's relief is centered around how he was raised by your parents. Your parents believe I'm assuming is centered around how they were raised by their community and you know generational brainwashing call it that. It's like they don't they don't know better. They don't believe.
that, you know, whatever, if they choose to judge who you love, it's not coming from a place of not loving you. It's quite the opposite. So you just, you don't allow yourself to get angry at them for something they have believed in their heart to be not like something, not like an opinion, but like scripture. You know what I'm saying? Like ultimate truth. I mean, like at the end of the day, you know, like there's a part of like,
You know, when I was struggling with my faith type of thing, it's just like at the end of the day, I know I saw there was a quote in a movie. I think Norton played a Catholic priest. He was getting counseled from another priest and the priest said, I know two things in this world, one that God exists and two, I'm not him. And that really resonated with me in the sense that we have all these people and humans and telling us like, who's going to burn in hell and who's not and what's right and not wrong. We'll all find out someday. Yeah.
You know, until then we can all agree or disagree. And you can agree to disagree with your parents.
For sure. Without holding on to that resentment of them not accepting. I think there's a lot, and again, maybe I'm speaking from a place of privilege. I understand that. But I think you can accept your parents' ignorance without holding on to that anger that they're ignorant. Yeah. And I kind of choose to forgive them in a place where they're not type of thing. And then hope that they come around? Yeah. Yeah.
And I do feel like the younger me wanted to cut them off even prior to knowing I was gay just because I was so hurt and traumatized by the religion and by things that they'd done. And I do think I have come to approach it from a way similar to what you've said of they're doing the best they can with the information that they have. And we're all doing this for the first time and that
Has helped me to empathize. I think the thing that I'm struggling with is not necessarily resentment, but like, how do I like absorb a hateful reaction from them? Can you disconnect?
Yeah, for sure. Remove myself from the convo, like what kind of say to them if they were like, we don't approve your going to hell over like so disappointed by this. Well, the good news is you have like the lowest of expectations of how your parents are going to handle this. So like any, you know, so they can only surprise me. Right. All, you know, worst case scenario is they're going to do exactly what you think they're going to do for sure.
And my guess is you'll just disconnect from them. You know, so like, okay, let's just like you don't do it over Christmas, right? Yeah, whatever. And then maybe happy New Year, mom, I'm gay via text. I don't know. Honestly, it's as good as any. But yeah, I don't know. You could.
Again, I'm spitballing here. So like, you know, I think you should do what it's in your heart to be clear. But I don't think you should convince yourself to do more than you think you need to do. I don't think you need to write them some long letter. I don't think you need to make some big thing. If you simple it.
says, I'm gay. If that's what you want to do, then I think you should do that. I think you should protect your piece. I think you should protect yourself. So if that's giving them a call or texting them to allow your parents to not be present when they have their initial reaction to avoid seeing or hearing. Maybe you do that. Mom, dad, I'm gay. I know this news may not receive you well.
May not be thrilling. Yeah.
But I just want you to know, even though I know there's some distance between us, that like, I truly love you is my parents. I'm truly grateful to have you in my life. And you raise me to be the woman that I am. And overall, I'm really proud of who I am as a person. I'm not expecting you to like it. I'm not even expecting you guys to be okay with it. I just hope that we can still have a relationship and I can still feel your love. I don't know, something like that. I'm a spitball owner.
Because isn't that all you really want? And then like, if your mom wants, whatever your mom wants to do with her church at her church, let her do it. I don't know. And if your mom wants to get on the phone and guilt you, you just have to remain calm and say, Mom, I understand where you're coming from. But you can't expect me to sit on the phone and listen to you. Tell me why you think I want to burn in hell. I don't agree with you. And that's okay, Mom. That is okay. But I do love you.
And I think you have to challenge yourself to finish every conversation with some kind of, I love you. Because I really think families, you don't get to pick your family, but you can still love them. Because you definitely don't have to like them. That's for sure. That's kind of what I think. Try to take the pressure off. What do you think, Justin? Yeah, I think so. I'm curious that part of you is just wondering during the holidays if they're going to ask you about your dating life.
I mean, they always do and I'm like pretty used to deflecting, like even when I was dating men years ago, it was like, there was one reaction from my mom in my early twenties where I was like, they will not get to know that information again. And so like, we're not really on the level where that would come out. The only scenario I could see it coming out is like in,
And I say like fit of rage like kind of playfully, but like I could see myself getting like frustrated with like.
something they're saying like badgering and then me putting it out there like almost like spitefully so I think I need to just be careful of that because I do want to set them up for success and I think me not being there to see their reaction and like let them process in whatever way is definitely for the best.
Yeah, if it comes up to the holidays, given the fact that there was an incident in the past, you could just say, mom, I think we both know you don't want to know. It's a good line. You know, I just, yeah, I mean, I don't know your parents. I don't know how hardcore they are, but like maybe you just kind of, you know, fight with humor or whatever. They just try to diffuse the situation. I think sometimes, I mean, I do it. You know, it's like we want to be right. This is a, do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?
Absolutely. Yeah. It really isn't to come down to that. I'm going to write that somewhere, tuck it away and look at it when I feel my blood pressure rising. I really think in a lot of cases, happiness is a choice. Totally. And sometimes we don't want to be happy. Sometimes we want to be chaotic. Sometimes we want to be dramatic. Sometimes we want to be a lot of things that don't include happiness. And I think we can often choose. Happiness comes from peace and tranquility.
prioritizing things that matter us most. We often don't do these things. You know, sometimes we often expect to be happy while thinking we can do whatever the fuck we want. Yeah. Yeah. And that's not true. Yeah, that makes sense. And then like as far as if I don't feel like I want to broach this topic with them in the near or immediate future, you don't think that that's
something that feels like a red flag. I think dating is the biggest thing that it's come up in. Everyone in my life has been so supportive of me and celebrated everything. I don't want to tell them because I feel like I have to.
Well, again, I think this comes down to a generalization about like when you're dating and, you know, gay relationship or heterosexual relationship, like, you know, we're always looking for potential red flags and a potential red flag doesn't mean that you're not dateable, so to speak, right? I think right now you're having a confusion about whether you should or shouldn't tell mom and dad. And then when you get challenged on dates,
It causes you to feel more insecure and projected insecurity and that confusion about what you should do with mom and dad is probably the bigger red flag for anyone who actually is considering whether you are a healthy person to date or not. I can't account for the judgmental people who maybe are projecting their own.
Parental issues on to you and demanding you tell them because I don't know, you know what I'm saying like yeah That's not who I'm talking about so I think this is more about you Being at peace with whatever decision you've made regarding your parents and you can always change that decision over time But it's more being firm and whatever decision you make so if you
Decide for yourself that for whatever reason now is not the right time because it's just like, you know, listen, I'm pretty confident how they're going to handle it. Right now, I think my relationship with my parents is honestly like kind of good and I'm content with it. And I don't need them to know to feel their love and whatever, but the people who are in my life, my family, my day to day family, they know. And when I, if I meet someone I want to date, they're going to be able to meet the people I love and ending age with and feel like they've met my family.
There's coming from a religious family and there's coming from conservative families. And then there's coming from like your family, you know, like hardcore devout people that you're describing. Can I offer somewhere perspective? I think instead of thinking you're a red flag, a healthy way, and this is easier said than done to think about it is like, while dating people, what circles are you going to bring your future partner into?
Because the last thing you would want to do, and I'm not saying you're going to do this, is bring your partner into a room where you're going to say, this is my friend. But it's like if you're never going to be bringing that partner around those people, then that's an honest conversation you can have with your partner. And they'll learn to accept it for what it is. Totally. No, I think you're so right. I think there's definitely some projection of confusion or insecurity there.
there's going to be a lot of reasons when you go out there and date there that someone might reject you. And if someone wants to reject you because they've decided they need to meet someone who's going to introduce them to their biological parents, then like, like guys, but like maybe they're not your person because that person seems to also like have some like rigid non-negotiables that shouldn't be non-negotiables, but they decided they're non-negotiables because maybe they have their own shit going on and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
We're so afraid to read rejection that we refuse to see rejection as a little bit of clarity. And it's allows people to make decisions for us because like them rejecting you for some random ass shit is this you not having to date them for six months before you found out the thing that you would not want to have to deal with.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. No, I think that's really helpful. Thank you. All right. Well, was that helpful? No, it was. It definitely was. I feel like I definitely feel lighter. I think I'm going to just go to the Midwest for Christmas and just do the thing and then process whether or not it's something that I want to do. And I feel like I have
control and like agency over that decision, whether rather than feeling pressured. So that feels good. And yeah, I really appreciate the advice. Great. Yeah. Yeah. Try to remove the pressure, try to try to control the situation. And as long as you're happy, that's all that matters. And you're content with who you are. That's all that matters. And yeah, yeah, definitely. I'm the happiest I've ever been. So I, yeah, I feel like I'm grateful for that.
And we love that. You're also not a red flag. So thank you. I really appreciate that. You can throw that away. The like family bit like feels like the biggest red flag sometimes in the queer community. And so I can appreciate that. And I would imagine I would imagine in the queer community that like coming out obviously is a.
A huge moment in someone's life so i imagine there's a lot of sensitivity and strong opinions about that but i think the important thing to remember is that every one situation is different and just because they have a strong opinion about their experience it doesn't necessarily apply to your experience.
And I think you have to be mindful of that so that you don't allow the people you do date who do have their own trauma and their own intense experience to project that onto you and make you feel like you're doing something wrong when you're not. Absolutely. No, that makes a lot of sense. All right. Well, if and when you do come out, we would love an update. I will let you know. I'll let you know if I get Bible thumbs or not. Yeah, I'm sure you will.
I really think this is a strong opinion about this with parents. When you show them that they can't get through, they stop trying.
Okay. You know, like parents will keep trying if they, if they think they have an impact or hoping your life, eventually they'll just, yeah, no, there's obviously exceptions to every rule. And, and, and hopefully your parents, uh, handling isn't to cut you off because, you know, the, you know, there's that, that's, there's that possibility.
But if you're trying to avoid mom Bible thumping you or whatever you want to call it, shut it down immediately. Don't give it oxygen. Respectfully decline to hear your mom. Yes. And give her the playbook of how to have a relationship with you and see if she's willing to accept that boundary. Okay. Okay. Definitely. And then as always, lead with love. Yeah. Totally. I'll do that. Okay. Because they don't know better. Yeah. All right. That's definitely true. All right. Take care.
Yeah, thank you guys.
There's a lot of decisions you have to make when you have a baby, and the one that I feel the most comfortable and safe making is using Huggies for our daughter River. I always tell Nick that when River is crying, she's trying to tell us something, and that's the case with most babies. They express it through cries, and so we've turned to Huggies. The new Huggies skin essentials are here. A brand new dermatologist approved line of diapers, wipes, and pull-ups training pants that are all designed with baby sensitive skin in mind.
Their wipes are so thick and pH balanced to help maintain healthy skin. Their wipes have zero harsh ingredients for a great gentle clean. The skin essential diapers features the skin protect liner, which is what helps take care of the ick and stick that can cause rash. They have this liner built in their diapers.
The whole diaper helps protect against the top two causes of rash by managing moisture and running mess. The liner gives you the barrier to help absorb moisture and lock away running mess from baby skin. Pull up skin essentials has your big kid covered too with a training pant that is ultra soft and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at huggies.com. Once again, head to huggies.com to learn more.
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