Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

The big game weekend just got even bigger. Oh, you want to add drugs and alcohol? OK. Your boy, Bert Kreischer, is coming to New Orleans Saturday, February 8. He's bringing Nicki Glaser, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Don't be right now. Get to gets now at burpurpurp.com. 100% to you.

Brand new two bears one cave and I am lucky enough to be joined by a man that would be perfect in my life right now because I am going through a moment. My current partner, Tom's girl, is looking at ski chalets and Switzerland purchasing. It's what he's calling it. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when I had my ski chalet face. We know what it is, Tom. We know who you are. Did you ever cheat on your wife?

multiple times. Okay, nice. Yeah, let's get into it. Let's say from the early 90s was a time when everybody was fucking around trying to figure out who they were and why they were, right? But I think, you know, when you start to shed some way, you started to talk about seeing your dick more. Yeah. That happened for me about 2005, 2006. So then you started going, well, other people need to see this. I don't realize what I was packing between these thighs. Oh, I had to lose 50 pounds to see my dick.

For sure, let me finish my story. But what I was saying was that, you know, when you start jerking out, I don't want to get too filthy too quick, but there's porn cheating and there's real live in the flesh cheating. I've done the porn cheating. And I'm not done. And then there's blow up doll cheating too. Oh, like a flashlight.

Uh, no, I mean, like a blow-up doll, like I said. Like, Fleshlight is more of a toy that I encourage to bring you to the bedroom. Yeah. The first time I ever cheated on my Fleshlight was with my wife.

Really? Hold that thought. We'll be right back. We'll keep her right here. I think that porn is healthy, but it can get in the way of your day to day. And I don't mean to rhyme so early in the podcast, but- No, I appreciate it. Well, I know you do. I know that there's something about stability and longevity that provides stability and a connection to the understanding and the education of who you are and who you want to be. Tom is, I guarantee you, in the bathroom of a Delta flight on the way to wear Nova Scotia,

Yeah, I know Switzerland. It doesn't matter, but he's jerking off in the bathroom because he can't contain himself. And you get to a certain point in life where you go, I have to and need to, and then you'll reflect and dissect later. Yeah, I agree. What was the question?

cheating on your wife. Yeah. But look, I think that there's, um, look, tomato, tomato, Ray Romano, but I also think that you got a, you got to have a reason and a, and a risk reward a meter on you at all times. You had a birthday last night. I had a birthday last night. And you had a birthday. You treated it like a young college girl. You made it a birthday month, didn't you?

And so it's a whole month is November birthday, yeah. I love that. Gask should start doing that, too. It's mostly a female thing, usually. It's my birthday year. It's my birthday year. Well, you know what? It can also be a fella's birthday month. Yeah. Well, here's what happened. I tried to remember all the birthdays that I could out of all of them. And I can only remember 11 birthdays. And I realized that's really sad. Oh, for your own birthday. My own birthdays. I have number 10 as we moved in our new house.

Number 11, I don't remember anything before number 10. Number 11, I got my teeth knocked out with a baseball bat on my birthday. About Mark Maguire? No. Oh, my dad. And then I just. We'll come back to that. I was talking. You know, you was back in the day. We've all talked back to our dad. We've all been hit with a bat. No, it wasn't my dad. I never met the kid. He was a, he was swung the bat. I fielded the ball. I was a catcher. I took my mask off. I threw it the third and he hit me in the mouth of the baseball bat. I remember 16. I remember 18. I remember 21.

I remember 26, I remember 27, I remember 29, I remember 30, and then 49, 50, and 51. I love that you can remember what you remember.

Does that make sense? No. So I love that you took time to make sure that on certain birthdays, you weren't gonna forget, right? That's what I did this past birthday. And this number- I'll never forget this birthday. And this is number what? 52. Holy shit. Yeah. Before 49, I was thinking, and I'd love to your opinion, that at 50, what if I start going backwards?

What do you mean by that? So I go at 50, instead of saying I'm 52, I say I'm 48, and I start going down the numbers to see if I can get to zero. I'm okay with that. Yeah. So I'm 48. Where were you at 45? Because you skipped over that birthday. I have no idea. You don't remember. Well, can I tell you something I said to my wife yesterday? No, I'm all right. But I do want to know. I do want to know, though,

But thanks for sharing. I do want to know. Go ahead. Okay. It's your show. It's your house. Cheers, by the way. Hey, it's 48 to 48. My mistake.

Porosos, it might not be night time, but it sure feels like it in my heart. Porosos. Amen. I said to Leanne the other day, I had a bunch of birthdays, I had to work on them. And I said, you know, what a gangster I worked on my birthday. That's a big time move. And she goes, you know, everyone works on their birthday. Yeah, you ain't special. I didn't realize that. I did weekends in like Omaha one year, Virginia Beach. And I thought, what a selfless man I am that I'm working on my birthday.

And then she's like, yeah, kids go to school on their birthday. Doctors do surgeries. Women get fake tits on their birthday. Do you think people die on their birthday? 1,000%. Really? Yeah, I think there's type in famous person who died on their birthday. And then hashtag John Stamos Nudes. And we'll see what comes up.

Now, I think that there's something about going for it, but there's a time and a place for everything, but I think dying on your birthday is, I don't wanna say gangster, but it definitely is a way, look, Betty White passed away from what, just being old and fucking cool. God was just like, hey, you're having too much fun down there. Come on upstairs, right? Look at the fucking list of people. Michael Douglas? Well, he's still alive. I don't know why that's open. I don't know how the heat has that.

Well, is this Google just anticipating who's next? Merle Haggard died on his birthday. Who else? Is anyone... William Shakespeare died on his birthday? Died on his birthday. Sounds about right. Edna May, Grace Bradley, Alan Drury,

Nancy Gray. Oh, it does say Nancy Grace. Franklin Roosevelt, Franklin, Franklin, Franklin Roosevelt, Jr. passed away on his birthday. Do you think there's that would be a cool serial killer if you killed people on their birthdays? That's a great, let's write that show. Yeah. That's a great that who plays it, who plays the killer? Because I'm a guy that appreciates some, like an unknown actor as the killer.

Right when Zac Efron played Al Bundy or Ted Bundy? Al Bundy, right? Yeah, he played. They should have had Al Bundy play Ted Bundy. I would have watched it twice. What was her name?

Never mind. Anyway, we'll edit this out. But I think that there's no, they should have unknowns play the killer. So you buy it more. Yeah. I'm watching Zac Efron is Ted Bundy, right? Even though I know it's Ted Bundy, but I'm like, this is the kid from 17 again, right? Yeah. Underrated movie, by the way. 17 again? Yeah, that's where Zac Efron underrated actor. Underrated actor. I think people think of Zac Efron and they think of the major motion pictures. Hot cop.

Baywatch fucking awesome. Pretty funny. Miriam and Dave need weddings. Don't know what you just said, but yeah. Mike and Dave need wedding dates. Mike and Dave need wedding dates. What was the fucking movie you just said? Miriam David needs a date? What the fuck? What is it like? Sometimes your brain has a bunch of words and there's like little dwarves like spinning a wheel. I hear clear. And I see the skeet going in the sky, but I let my gun. I'm like, God damn it, it's in the trunk. Fuck. Oh, these are all the movies he did?

Well, he's in the Lorax. He was in the Lorax. Charlie Cloud. Yeah, see, I think that was a cancer movie. And then there's that awkward moment. Neighbors. He was great neighbors. You're great neighbors. Dirty grandpa with De Niro. De Niro says the N-word in that movie. No. No, I'm just kidding. But look how excited you got. No, he does. He really does, though. He really does. What are you supposed to do, Dr. Phil, when a white person says the N-word in front of you? Great question. I talk about this. This is my book. We've got issues.

You know, the n-word, getting called the n-word by a black friend is awesome. It might be like winning the lottery or getting a golden ticket to Wonka's factory. Now getting called the n-word by Wonka at his factory is even better. But, you know, there's something about

everyone's looking for an extra pep in their step. The N-word's not for us, okay? Papa John, is his pizza okay? It's okay. Did the N-word thing make his cheesy red sales drop a bit? Yeah, titch. Did he give Shacker a raise after he did that? Probably. Did Shack buy Papa John's?

No, I think Shaq's just a partner. Oh, he just came in after the unwrapped bowl. I've always got some sort of Shaq pizza, the Shaqiza or something. Oh, Shaq healing meals the best. He's the best. He might be my favorite athlete of all time, but only because, here's how I equate my favorite athletes. If I was in a restroom with them and they were taking a pee, would I take a peek?

Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, so you would take a peek. I would take a peek. Yeah. And that's why I know he's my favorite, because there's a lot of guys I won't even give a second glance to. Do you know what I'm saying? Who? Zach Efron, I probably passed. I'll go. I'd love to actually have the idea of his penis being big, better than actually seeing it. Because part of me feels like Efron, you know, he's pretty jacked, and sometimes big guys have tiny, uh, tiny shlongs. Ooh, I bought a penis extender. Uh, for who? For who? I know, I just, I got given to me, right? It got given to me. They sent me a bunch of sex toys, because... Who did?

What was the name of the company? Someone say the name of the company downstairs. The, uh, was it Fisher price? No, no, no, no. These were tough times got so tough for Fisher price. They had to just take a complete left turn.

Wait, why wouldn't they just add a sex toy? They're already making toys. They're already making toys. They already got the factory. They had a couple beads. They've already owned the word toys. Put extra battery inside that little. It's like when something does like a seltzer and then a hard seltzer. So there's a Fisher price cooking set and then there's also the dominatrix. Oh, yeah. So the Peter, hey, will you bring the penis extender up here? Someone bring the piece because you'll be shocked. That's a third time I've heard that today.

I can't tell you where I was before this but it rhymes with brothel.

Now, I've only been to a brothel once in Germany, and it was, you know, I don't want to say it was awkward, but the people that worked there looked like they should be working there. Does that make sense? Yeah, we're going to do a weed dispensary, and there's like a white kid with dreads behind the counter, and you're like, yeah, this is where you're supposed to be. I didn't expect you to be like, I should get my law degree. No, no, you're here, Tanner. And then he tells you his name, and you're like, what's your name? He's like, Bovid? You know, what is that? He goes, it's Bobby and David, but I put them together, but you can call me Wizard. And I'm like, I'm not going to call you any of those.

I went to a brothel in Germany. I know you did and I'll follow you on Facebook with my buddy Dan and He had a prostitute. He fucked her and no condom. Oh, and I knew that and no well you can but you can He did and he said to me as we walked up this stairs out of the brothel. We never talk about this

I've told so many people. Those are the best types of stories. Do you know how many secrets I've told when people start the secret with the stays between us? I'm already fantasizing about the text thread I'm about to make the day of. I've had people not tell me secrets. They go, can I tell you a secret? And I go, hang on, how important is this? And then they'll tell me, I go, you shouldn't tell me.

Don't tell me. I'm not good at keeping secrets. I enjoy. I told a secret. I was working with Jimmy Tatero and we were in my pool in Serbia. And he said, can I tell you a secret? And I said, yeah. And he told me the secret and I grabbed my phone, called my buddy, Kale. And I said, you're never going to believe what Jimmy just told me. And he went, hold on. That was a secret. And I said, I know, but I'm just telling Kale, like, there's no, that's how a secret works is you don't tell anybody. Yeah, try your best. I was like, but it's Kale.

You would be cool with me telling Kayle and he was like, no, that's how a secret works. I'm not gonna secret. Can you imagine, who do you think told the first secret, you know? Or who do you think was the first, we were talking about gossip before the show started. I think we all enjoy a little gossip. The holiday season for me is my favorite time to gossip, you know? Oh my God. I like to go on the, I like to go into chat rooms and just start rumors, you know? Oh, I've had more rumors started about me on this show. I didn't know you actually could get your liver drained. This is the penis extender.

What's this? A blow job machine. We can bring that in, Pete. Wait, why is the penis extended at my house? Well, this thing's got, first of all, I love when something like this has a charger in it. Shut up.

Well, after the year, fuck. I'm as big as the penis extender. Yeah. That was my whole point to show you how all the penis extender was. So is it like a pump? No. What's the difference between a pump and an extender? It's like a Halloween costume for your dick. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know who I'm grateful for?

both my daughters, Georgia and Ila. I have such a great relationship with them. I mean, for many reasons, but especially now we are texting and we are just getting along. Perfect. Look, this month is all about gratitude. And along with the persons I just shouted out, my two daughters, Georgia and Ila, there's another person that we don't want to forget ourselves.

It's sometimes hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything. And in this crazy world, that is not easy. Here's a reminder to send some thanks to the people in your life, including yourself.

Funny, I give George and I all the credit for our relationship doing so well. And the other day, Leanne's like, you've got to take a little credit yourself. You've changed, you've grown. I've grown because of these girls. I was in therapy because I wanted to be a better dad. And it changed the way I parented. I've talked about this on podcast, you know that, but it changed the way I parented. And it has helped us grow into such a cool, fun family. Let the gratitude flow with better help.

visit betterhelp.com slash bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help h e l p dot com slash bears. Hey everyone with the holidays creeping up faster than your aunt's fruitcake recipe. I got something way better to share with you. If you want to look sharp.

for all those festive gatherings and maybe finally when that best groomed at the family dinner award check out manscapes latest masterpiece the chairman pro package trust me it's like root off for your face guiding you to a smooth irritate irritation free shave.

The Chairman Pro is armed with not one, but two interchangeable, skin-safe blade heads. The skin-safe four-blade foil for when you want that baby's bottom smooth. The skin-safe double trimmer for when you want to keep some stubble, but to clean it up a bit, both keep you looking sharp while minimizing razor burn and irritation. It's like Santa's elves made it up just for you. The blades and pivoting head adjust to every curvier face and neck, as if they had the

gift of foresight.

and right under here, I haven't done that a little bit, but it gets you so smooth. Get the Chairman Pro package today and experience a shave that is as smooth as you deserve. Get 20% off plus free shipping with code BEARS at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code BEARS at manscaped.com.

Take a look at me in this shirt. I do not look this good. There's a reason I look this good. It's because the people that design this shirt made one of the best fitting shirts I've ever worn in my entire life. I do not wear long sleeve shirts. I just don't. But brother, I'm wearing them from here on out. This is true classic. True classic is

They make, they make shirts for us with a little more room here and a little tighter here. It's almost like it's a large sleeve with an extra large body and tight here. I look so good. I'm like through the roof. They're best selling t-shirts jeans and hoodies come in three, six and nine packs.

But these long-sleeve handlies and waffle hoodies and jeans and button-ups and joggers, their fall line is a must-have. By the way, their active wear is moisture-wicking, quick-dry, and odor-controlled. The holidays are here, and true classics, ultra-comfortable, perfect-fitting essentials

make for the perfect gift for you or the man in your life or the man in your life. So if you're ready to upgrade your closet shop now and unlock big savings during their huge holiday sale, go to our exclusive link at trueclassic.com slash bears to save. That's trueclassic.com slash bears. Please support the show. Tell them that we sent you every year. You need to end the year with holiday cheer and thank you to True Classic.

Okay, put it over your dick and then it attaches to your balls and it makes your dick Roughly what I'm guessing is like six to seven inches. Yeah, but it's not like if you were gonna get a penis or center I thought you'd want it to be like 12 inches But it's not it gets us for it. I didn't realize it's for guys with actual small dick I don't think anybody wants to be above seven or eight. No

That's a lot of responsibility. You're not getting the whole thing in. You're not getting the whole thing in. That's not fun for her or him, okay? By the way, is this a guy, do they have like his and hers or is this definitely a woman? Either that or a very young boy. Yeah. That's the smallest mouth I've ever seen. We'll keep it in. I think that this, I mean, there's teeth in there too, which is... There's teeth. Yeah. Here, we'll open it up for the camera. Show them the teeth. Yeah.

So, um, this is my first time. All right, well, I'll tap you on the back of the head. You're funny. Well, this is a girl or a guy. Well, I'll keep it. I'm keeping it down the middle. This could be charlie or Charlie. So, um, do you always, do you always wear a suit to bed? Yeah, I'm just more comfortable this way.

I'll probably keep my pants on too, but I'll just, I cut a little hole and then I'll just, why don't you have a zipper? You ask a lot of questions for some of the works at the Olive Garden. You weren't supposed to tell anybody that. Well, sorry, but I'm a, I'm an open book. Can I talk about that in my book? We've got issues. You're always, you're always promoting stuff. Can we just fuck? Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. Take me to dinner first. I did. I hooked you up with never ending pasta at my work, remember?

I don't think I'll like your fucking attitude right now. So, are we gonna do this or not? Yeah, let me just go put on a condom. Wait, you're gonna wear a condom while I blow you? And scene. You know, I was an actor in high school. For real? You couldn't tell from that scene? No, no, no, no, I was more like an improv sketch. Well, no, that was a scripted scene for your show I wrote in high school, a one-act play. What was the name of the play? Will she do it? How's it at?

Well, give me a little funding. Maybe we'll produce it here in Los Angeles at the Falcon Theater in Burbank. I think this is a touch that you practice when she goes, hey, there you go. Oh, there you go. That's always a sexy move, the shush.

I had a, I got one of these one time like when when I first started doing Rogan, he was like, he used to sell fleshlights and he would talk about him. He's like, you got to fuck him. They're so good. Wait, like he'd sell a Rogan flavored fleshlight? No, no, no. Like Trump sales Bibles. It was like a Rogan fleshlight. No, it was not a Rogan. It was one was an alien. One was like Christie Mac. It was all the porn stars.

Wait, so Rogan sold fleshlights that were named after a porn star? Yes, Rogan. And shaped around their parts. Yeah, it was a flashlight. It was a... So Joe would do ads the way he would be like, I can't do a podcast without on it. He'd be like, these fleshlights are... I don't do... That's not a good... That's not a good Rogan. That's more... Who was... Yeah. Who does a Rogan, by the way? No one. Maybe one of the fleshlights...

i bet frank caliendo can do it right now you can do a road in where's my phone what if we get frank caliendo all the way amazing weights okay so we're going to sell flights and so he would do ads for flights lights his i mean i can get into the weeds on this it's really fucking fascinating by the way this is worth a deep dive because it is

It is, in essence, how, if I'm not mistaken, how he got involved with on it. Okay. And then he, and so it's his buddy Aubrey Marcus. I met the flashlight people. So there were the cool kids that out of Austin that sold flashlights and then went to Rogan. They're like, can you talk about on the podcast? And he did and he had ad sale sponsors, but he would talk about them and he'd be like, if you're a fucked one. And I was always like, no. And he's like, see if we have an extra one back there. And then they never had an extra one. So one time in Miami, at the old Miami,

Comedy Club the improv and I'm walking around to get lunch and there was a sex shop and I walked in and I was like I was like I hate you guys have Like a flashlight and the guys like we got fucking a can and I was like cool. I'll take it

Is that the dollar store version? No, it was a can of Sapporo what and you took the top off of it and it was a pussy Except I got one. I didn't open it. I raced home. I got back. He goes. You aren't lube. I was like no, man. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, and so I get home I open the can and it's a it's a mouth It's it's the mouth. It's not the pussy. Oh my god damn it and it's just looking at you like going

Please don't do it, man. Please, please do it. Yeah, the mouth is a lot, it's a lot more dangerous than it. Yeah, and no teeth in it. And so I fucked it, and I'm telling you the shame of cleaning gum out of a flashlight. There's nothing likely. You can't come back from that. You just throw it away. You can't go back outside after that. Cancel your dinner plans and your holiday vacation. If I'd rather have someone come inside me, then clean gum out of a flashlight. You ever had an unhappy ending?

No, no. That's where you get a massage and then they jerk off on your back. I thought of that on the way over here. Glad I worked out okay. Can I tell you the joke I wrote today? No, I'm all right. But Bird, I do want to know. I do want to know what is there something about have no go ahead, please. No, no, it's so bad. No, come on. At one point, Jay-Z had to say to someone. This is my fiancee Beyonce.

Beyonce Beyonce Beyonce and then someone went he's a rapper. Yep. Oh, there you go. He's he can't turn it off, right? Oh, there we go. I'll give you five bucks if you take a swiggle You just threw up in that glass. God damn it. All right. Somebody get me birds Venmo. All right. Help help me figure out life. I'm 48 years old also 52 crushing it what?

What should I focus on this year, Dr. Phil? Well, I think every year you want to get better. You started the year off. You started off strong, but you're closing it out stronger. And I'm a big guy to button stuff. Not just your pants and your fleshlight, but everything that you do, you do it with purpose. And you started off the year with a bang. You got the special going. You got the tour going again. Correct me if I'm wrong. Girls went to school this year. Girls were both in college. This year.

So what a banner year for you. And now you're closing it out with some big stuff that I'm privy to just from being at your little birthday sware, which by the way, this potato salad I've ever had was last night. I took a doggy bag home of potato salad like a fucking orphan child looking for a stepdad on a Tuesday, a bag of potato salad. You imagine if a cop pulled me over, what are you doing with that bag of potato salad, Phil? I'm gonna fucking, what's your fucking problem? I'm gonna eat it, you pervert.

So I'm leaving the party thinking about how good of a time I had, but you brought that good time on us. And I think that's what you've done this year. You've created opportunities for yourself and the people around you to just have a good time, but make sure that things stay afloat. And that's a big deal. So you want to double down on that next year or take it back a minute. You know what I was doing as I was not, I was getting off Instagram and I realized that helps. I like Instagram.

I'm getting back on. Yeah, I think, yeah. I started putting videos on. I was like, no, no, that's not, I think nothing in moderation. Okay, just gonna harden the pain. Yeah, nothing in moderation. Do it, you're gonna die anyway one day. You might as well have fun as fucking shit total in your life. Yep. I think I might be a, what, not a hedonist, not a narcissist, not a fascist. Oh, those are three of the completely opposite things you could have said right there. I'm not a clown. I'm not a midget. I'm not a, I'm not a. Okay, there it is.

What is Annihilist again? And we Google Annihilist real quick. I think Annihilist is someone who just does it. It's like a real nosy sentence. It's technically a drug addict. Drug addict, OK. Well, no, there's, I mean, look, the everything in moderation. Can you read that? I can't read. Sure. The world Annihilist is likely a misspelling of the word analyst, which means someone who studies or examines something in a...

Someone's been Googling Nintendo Switch. What do you got, an 8 year old boy you're causing? Wait, hold on, what is on your goggles? Yeah, this is wild. We got cream pie and what is it? I don't know how it's going. Okay, I think that, yeah, we can just go ahead and close this browser. The nightmare before Christmas. Do you think that women are bad at Googling things? Because this feels like a personal problem that you should probably figure out before you get on a mic. Do you think men are better at women on the internet because

We spend more time googling dumb shit. Yeah. Although I think, and women I think are better at, you know, my wife Robin is on the TikTok, TikTok trends. Yeah. So she'll swipe through and see like, hey, I got a good idea for how we can decorate our door for Shabbat. And I'm like, we're not even Jewish, bitch, you know? But she just always wanted to add flavor to the household. Yeah. Which I appreciate. I'm not a big fan of things hanging on my door.

My wife does like a wreath. A wreath, yeah. A giant leard. A giant leard. Halloween, she's got like a spooky kitty. Like she, my wife decorates. Yeah, decorates. And you're not a fan of that or what? Sorry, I had a mac and cheese portable in the car. No, I'm not, you know what? I've never been, I've never done it. What's your favorite holiday, Bert? And then I'll go next. Okay. Probably St. Patrick's Day.

Because of the booze or the leprechaun. Just the no rules. No rules, yeah. But every holiday in its own way has no rules. Okay, let's go. I went to a flag day party and let's just say, I don't want to say what was going down, but it rhymes with bukaki. And that was a flag day party. What word could it be? What rhymes with bukaki? Take your time, sound it out.

There's only, but now that you've mentioned it, I don't think anything runs with Bukaki. Maybe Teriyaki. Teriyaki. Tsunami doesn't run with Tsunami. What are you retarded? Who just said that? Tsunami. Tsunami. You're the rapper that never made it. It's like, I think little John used to have a song where he'd go, no more dick for your pussy, just dick for your throat. I don't want to give no child support. And you're like, those two things. The furthest words from each other.

No dick for your pussy, just dick for your throat. Throw it in support. But any child's supposed. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, it's a great Geraldo joke. Is it really? One of my favorite comedians. I wasn't going to say it without shouting them out. The day they were going to put down our dog.

I was on the trip treadmill, and I watched Greg do all this special, and I was crying, laughing, and I was thinking we might have to put down our dog, and I was like, God, thanks, Greg, for giving me that. He was a great fucking guy. He was, was he really? God, he was so fine. I only got to meet him once, but that's a guy that I, look, I know there's been a few documentaries about him, but it's a guy that, there's certain people you need in comedy, right? And there's a, that voice in mind you could use right now. I heard his son's doing stand up.

Great. Yeah. I heard the sun's doing stand up by you. You passed that funny genome. You passed the funny genome to your daughters, right? They refuse to use it. Who is your? Do you get inspired still at 48? Do you have a moment like that? That's what I want to know is like you wake up in the morning. You jump in your cold fucking pool, which I know a lot. Your testicles on fire and get your mind going for the day. But is there something that you can watch at night that doesn't involve forensic files or something? You know, like something that makes you go on pump for tomorrow. Peaky blinders.

I love P.E. Blinder. It's a show, right? Yeah, it's a show. You know, I get up.

I was having a hard time for, uh, this last, uh, probably four months finding a reason to root for me. Cause I feel like I achieved everything I ever wanted and I didn't have any like more goals or projects. Right. And I was just lost and I, and my daughters were gone and I woke up on my birthday and I said, fuck that. I'm going to be the happiest I can be. I'm going to be bulletproof. I'm not going to feel anything, but fucking joy. And I, uh, and I'm going to start seeing the trees and smelling the roses and enjoy fucking life.

Whether you forget to take a sip of water during the office holiday party or start feeling parched after a long day of traveling or hosting, keep liquid IV on hand to stay hydrated through the holidays. With convenient packets of their hydration multiplier or sugar-free hydration multiplier, you get eight vitamins and nutrients, three times the electrolytes of leading sports drink and no artificial sweeteners. I began my day today.

With the passion fruit liquid ivy pouch, I tore it up, I poured it in to my water, and I got to tell you, it tastes amazing, and you feel better. Find all your favorite hydration multiplier flavors on their website from a Kyberian lemon line to Pinacolada.

or choose from the line of sugar-free flavors. Tear, pour, live more. One stick plus 16 ounces of water. Hydrate is better than water alone. Stay hydrated through the holidays with liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code CAVE at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop better hydration today using promo code CAVE at liquidiv.com.

At this time of year, maybe you're looking back on all the amazing memories you have from 2024, especially if you're in love. Maybe you're already looking ahead to your plans in 2025 and maybe just maybe those plans involve getting engaged to the one you're in love with for anyone about to take that momentous step. I recommend sourcing their engagement ring from blue Nile dot com. Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999.

On Blue Nile.com, you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can imagine. At a price, you won't find anywhere else. Blue Nile also offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns, then guaranteed service and repairs for life. And don't worry, every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. Right now, go to Blue Nile.com, use the code BEARS. For $50 off your purchase of $500 or more, that's $50 off with code BEARS at Blue Nile.com.

blunile.com. Why isn't it smell the trees and see the roses? You know what? Because there's tree huggers. There's not tree smellers, right? Smell the roses is a phrase that also is a way to find out if you have COVID. I think so. Do you remember those days when you smell the roses and you go, oh fuck, I think I have COVID.

How did you know that you lost your smell or taste during COVID? I never lost my smell or taste. I did. How many times did you get COVID? 15? Seven. Yeah, I got a 15 times, four of them I was lying. I just didn't want to eat my wife out, but I said, I can't taste it. What am I supposed to get out of this? And she was like, well, take a test. And I go, why don't you mind your fucking business? We fight a lot, but it's all, but a fight, if it leads to something fun, is a worthwhile argument.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Makeup sex can sometimes be better than just regular in the middle of the day sex. I haven't had makeup sex in a long time. Let me pitch something to you. I'm ready. Get into a fight about something mundane, okay? Okay. Let's say your wife wants to throw up decorate. We got Christmas coming up. I love it. She's like, hey, I found a fun wreath on Amazon. It glows in the dark.

And it also, it's got a cool, it's got some Vietnamese writing on it, so we're not playing favorites. And it's fun, the kids will come by, they'll see it, they'll go, these guys celebrate. And then you go, all right, that's a cool idea. You go, or, and then you rip it down and go, or, and you rip it in half and go, or we could just fucking do it my way, which is just fucking, you know,

You know, fuck you, you know. Yeah, I like that. That starts a fight. She gets riled up and then you go, you know, getting the car, we're going to the Beverly Center. You go down to the mall, you walk around, you go, pick out anything you want. I'm going to buy it for you. She grabs a Jamba Juice. She grabs a ring from Kay Jewelers. You go into Lady Footlocker. You get some super jeans, right? And then you go downstairs to the puppy area. You start fucking looking at all the dogs and you go, what if you were one of these little fucking pups? And she's like, what are you trying to prove to me right now? And you go,

that life is tough, get back in the car, let's go fucking the trunk. And then by that time, you know, by that time, everything's calmed down, but you've had amazing sex because you're confused. Too many times, I know where I am and what I'm doing. You ever had just blackout sex where you don't even know if you're inside the person? No, I was sober, but yeah. The first time I lost my virginity was anal because I thought I go, I go, well, this feels a little deeper than I was advertised.

You don't have to say she was advertising how deep she was, but she just kept bragging to the football team like, you know, most of the guys could get in. Why can't you feel? You know, for real, the first time I lost my opportunity, I missed it and my dad was being a bunchy in the bed. Yep. I think I was not a Judy Bloomberg, the butchy in the bed. It should be. Oh, you're there. God, it's me, Margaret. My dad was being a bunchy in the bed.

I was hoping you'd have another Judy Bloom title I can learn. Blubber? I knew I wanted to be Judy Bloom. I wanted to be Judy Bloom. Finish the sins.

I knew that all the cool chicks were reading us. So I bought the Judy Bloom books at the book fair and I walked around with them. I didn't read, but I just had like a there kind of be Margaret. And they were like, you read that? I was like, it's really good. It's about a girl getting her period. Oh, you fucking pervert. I wonder how much Judy Bloom books all through fucking fifth grade because I wanted to look like I wanted the girls to talk to me.

That's adorable. So all the real stories were about like menstrual cycles. It's everything about a little girl figuring out her life. So like, what did you mean? Like how good are these books? I never read one of them. I just had like a quiver of them. Did they ever quiz you? Any of the girls you had a crush on, say you down and go, what did you think about, you know, dental, damn, Diane? They were so confused that I had them.

And they're like, are you reading that? I was like, oh, I love it. It's so good. Judy Boom was like my favorite. And they're like, really? And I just had no fucking idea. And then my mom saw them and goes, what are you reading that? So I'm not reading it, I just carry it. And she was like, there was one there, one called Blubber. I think you're confusing it with Flubber. Is it Rob Williams movie? No, Blubber. Blubber was one. Are you there, God, it's me, Margaret. I had a bunch of them. Oh, Blubber. It's about a fat chick.

I had tales of a fourth grade and nothing, I remember that. That's a great book. Freckle juice. Freckle juice. Well, you can get that at the doctor. Super fudge. Super fudge. And not to be confused with super bad. Right. Or at the book. What else? Judy Bloom? Is she still alive? Tiger eyes. She's 86 years old. It's not the end of the world. That's when she started to take a turn. She got dark towards the mid-70s.

Yeah, they were all about coming up age books for girls. Do they have coming up age books for boys? What if she just got real, she just went off the deep end and she's like, enough of these young girl tales. What if it was just like, how to squirt by Judy Bloom?

You know what I'm saying? And you're like, is this a tutorial? And she's like, no, it's about the Holocaust. It's Jesus Christ. How about a more clever title that isn't so disguising? That's a cool shirt. I squirt. I squirt. Yeah. Can we make that just? I squirt. That's actually great. Can I tell you the first time I saw someone squirt? Was in my living room? Really? Yeah.

My son had some friends over and they had some friends. We've all been a part of those parties where somebody invites somebody and you go, I'm a cool guy. My house is open. Drinking the garage as long as you sleep over. But these people that showed up, what? Drinking the garage as long as you sleep over.

another t-shirt. Okay. As long as you sleep over. Yeah, you can go upstairs to show your fucking mouth, you know? So I told my son, I said, make sure that there's chips out. You know, I want your friends to be, you know, to be satisfied. And then the next thing you know, I walk in with a bullet toasty, those lime chips, you know, shout out. I just got what you said drinking the garage as long as you can sleep over. They're young. Yeah.

I thought it was a grown man. Oh, no. You're 17, 18, you're a moron, as long as you sleep over. And it's just up, dude, drinking in your garage until he gets tired and he knocks on the door. You're like, come on in. You can sleep on the couch. As long as you sleep over. You remember?

You make my mustache fall off You imagine just drinking the garage until you get sleepy, but I think look waterbed futon couch

If you had your preference of three, you're at a party or you're at a, yeah, you're at a party and somebody goes, here are your options, Bert, cause I know you're gonna throw caution to the wind. Yeah. I had to sleep in a recliner at Adam Devine's bachelor party. I love a good recliner. It was actually not bad. For three days, it's a little, at some point you're like, I know where I stayed in your friend hierarchy. Yeah. You know, cause there were multiple beds around, you know, but couch futon water bed, merry fuck kill.

Fuck on the water bed. Me and my wife will sleep on the futon. But I'm a couch guy. I love a couch. A good couch. Never underestimate a good ephron movie or a couch sleep. Now, are you napping on the couch or just getting like eight hours? I'm a hardcore napper.

What I like to do is pass out in a recliner, make my way to the bed. Okay. Oh, yeah. And you can see the spike in my on my whoop is when I wake up. I don't know if you can say that anymore. Whoop. Easy. We're going to 2025. This device. Oh, that's what it is. Okay. Sounds like a slur, but yeah.

Now, is there a, is there something about having multiple, you wear multiple hats? Yes. And I can see just, I'm even just from, I'm not saying metaphor behind you, you got multiple hats. But you're all, what, is there a different hat? You know the same way a girl will pick out shoes. You ever watch sex in the city and you're like, man, Sarah Jessica Parker has a great life. She got any shoe for any occasion. Yeah. Are you like that way with hats? Do you go, it's, it's a Sunday, but it's Sunday, Sunday. So I'm putting on my Indiana Jones cap.

Can I tell you why I wear hats for real? Other than the fact that I'm losing my hair and I'm self-conscious and I don't want to have to do my hair look good, skin cancer. Okay, it's a protective measure. Yeah, I've had so many friends lose, like I have a friend lose half her nose. From skin cancer? And skin cancer, Leanne just got skin cancer. They took a whole lot of her stomach. Is she okay? I don't know, I never followed up.

I think she's good. She's still here. That's wild. Yeah. I got this hat when I sold out the Boston Garden. What a feeling. Where's that rank in the accomplishment? Scale. It's OK. We'll fix it in post.

Were you so accustomed? No, no, that was the first. I think that was the first arena I sold out. It was definitely like because I just come back from Europe. It was my first stop on the arena tour. Right. And I walked in and this old grizzled like like worker. He's just like a longshoreman type guy, like a union guy goes.

You're sold it to the ceiling, kid. I was like, why do you go sold it to the fucking ceiling? You should be proud. Fucking sold it to the ceiling. I just walked away and I went, sold it to the ceiling. Someone goes, yeah, that's sold out. No seats available. And I went, oh, sold it to the ceiling. That's such a cool statement. It's like your little Boston, you know, alcoholic guardian angel. Just coming with it. Yeah. I love that. But Norma Downey.

touch by an angel. Okay. And what if he was an angel? Could have been. Yeah. Do you believe in that stuff? Uh, I got to believe in something. So I don't, I started thinking to myself, I had this conversation. I've said, I've said this before and I know it's crazy, but it's a bit I'm trying to work on. One day it'll figure it out. But I said, I don't believe in death. I go, cause what if you just don't believe in death and go, who gives a fuck?

because people already believe in other wilder shit, right? People believe in God, people believe in reincarnation, people believe in all this wild shit, people believe it just goes black. I go, what if you just don't believe in death and then you don't have to worry about dying anymore? Are you looking for something? Yeah, I got a little bit of a, so sorry to break up your story, but I fell out of an Uber pool about a month ago, spray my ankle, but also, and this is embarrassing to admit on the podcast, fell face down,

been watching a pretty erotic video in the back you know there's no rule against watching porn in the back of an uber no there is not an uber pulley make sure you know it's consensual so you know push comes a chef comes to push got a little bit of a boner stand up try to get out in a hurry tripped face down on the boner tried to do a push up to save myself

almost crack my dick in half. So got a little bit of a, of a boner bruise. And so a couple of Advil try to clean that up. Yeah, I don't find that. But I'm sorry. What was your story? I don't know. I don't know. Something about believing in Christ or something. Yeah, believing in Christ. I forget how we got on it, but I was trying to. God bless you. I'll take another two of that. I know you just went downstairs, but just a second. Yeah. Yeah. It's some good stuff. It's good stuff. I appreciate it. But yeah. So you got, you got, I love, I love what you're saying, which is death.

is imminent, but it doesn't have to be immediate.

Yeah, you don't have to focus on it the way I focus on it. Yeah, I think you make a list of things you want to do. You try to do as many as you can, but you also don't want to fill that list up so much that you go, why am I not leaving space for things just to be added on at some later point in life, right? Spontin' 80, I'm big on that. I'll go to McDonald's and I'll order a Big Mac. And then while I'm in line, I'm like, fuck, maybe I should get a fucking pie.

Yeah. Right. Mixing it up. Yeah. No, no. I maybe I should maybe I should go back in the car at that fleshlight and see if I can you'll bargain and pay for this happy meal with with my own happy meal. What a good time. I sounded out. I like to go into McDonald's and give him 200 bucks and go surprise me.

Great. I love it. And what do they do? They're always like, huh? I go, just make it feel like 200 bucks. Do you say put this in the register or like pocket this? No, they just go ham. We did it. We did it one time. I did it with Ari Shafir, Sean Patton, Mark Norman, Steve Runisese, and Ryan O'Neill. And we went to a Del Taco. And they were all talking about what they'd order. And we were all fucking wasted. And I said, guys, let's make it easy.

pull up to the thing. Didn't even order. I just pulled the thing. I gave you 200 bucks. I go surprise us. Razzle dazzle, baby. Razz. And this guy, we ate Del Taco for three days in Salt Lake City.

What a dream. That's the American dream. Del Taco, what's better, Del Taco or Del Taco Bell? Del Taco, hands down. I had Taco Bell, you wanna talk about dreaming, I had Taco Bell in DC not too long ago. Went to the Lincoln Monument with my wife Robin and she goes, you wanna take a picture? I go, no, I get it. And I also have a dream to not shit my pants in public because of that TB running through me. Bird, it's not real food. And I know people love it.

It's so good. It's so good, though. I mean, look, my problem is when you're just fucked up enough, anything will do. Right. Can I tell you what, all right, we're Taco Bell sells and I've already thought too much about this. God bless you. The texture of their ground beef is so fine that you can't get the same texture of that ground beef. You have to put it in a blender and I've done it. I've put it in a blender. You can talk about it in a blender? No, I put ground beef with taco seasoning in a blender and got it to the season, the texture of Taco Bell's texture. Oh, so fucking good. My mouth is watering.

Yeah. Yeah. Is there something? If you're on the road, right? Yeah. And you're, you have a night on the town and you go, I could have any food right now. Would you, but you also have like a private chef at your disposal. You still go fast food? No, I haven't, you know, I haven't had Burger King in, uh, in probably 10 years. Cool. I used to play the clarinet. Welcome back to who gives a shit.

Sorry, that came out real, sorry. It's election day, I'm sensitive. I haven't had McDonald's in quite a while. I haven't had McDonald's probably. This is why your skin looks so good. Since I've had McDonald's since the pandemic. Another Judy Bloomberg. I haven't had McDonald's since the pandemic. I knew I had one more pop of me, that was it. I'm probably gonna wrap this up. What if I was just a, what if I just had a rotating joke catalog of Judy Bloom play on words?

he said this guy's a new carlin i haven't had uh... i have a talk about i've had talk about a lot i've had talk about what she i cannot get it yeah well they're also open twenty four seven all i want to a twenty four-hour fitness ones that closed at eleven p.m. just about shot the place up we wanted to go out with twenty not

Yeah, just this is Hollywood Boulevard, so things. I think just a lot of the freaks want to get home and put this thumb inside somebody. There's no more powerful of a feeling than not giving a fuck. Yeah. When I remember going to a store and it was an outdoor store, like an outdoor shop. I loved going to those on the road. Like an REI type thing, but it was a mom and pop shop. I thought you were just meant like a store that was outside. I was like, well, all stores are outside. You fucking idiot. No. Yeah.

And so a big outdoors, like outdoors world where they got skis and kayaks. It was like more of a mom and pop shop. And I needed to get socks. And I love just going to these places. But I needed to get socks. And it closed at five. And it was 4.45. And I got up and the kid locked the door. And I was like, as I got there, he was locking the door. And I went, no, no, no. It's only 4.45. And he went like this. He goes, I don't care. And he just walked away. And I went,

That's the most powerful fucking move I've ever seen in my life. He doesn't give a fuck. It's not his store. He doesn't have anything invested in this. When I worked at Barnes and Noble... You know what kid was? Tobe McGuire.

Fun fact about Tobey Maguire, and I got five of them. He used to work at an outdoors world. First day job, yep. Can you use more facts about Tobey Maguire? Which one's Tobey Maguire? Spiderman. Which one? Oh, wait, no. The original, Afraid of Spiders. The original one would take the lisp. I got five, yep, he's got a lisp. I got five Tobey facts for you. Afraid of Spiders, worked at outdoors world, allergic to grilled cheese, hates Jews, and grew up in a two-parent household.

It requires a fan of the show. And he was giggling until he heard eight juice. And he was like, the fuck, man. I said, hates juice. Oh, juice. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's on you for making. Hey, that's tonight's Doritos, Joker the Knight. He hates juice. Yeah. There was a girl. There was a girl. There was a girl. God, I wish I remember the name of this comic. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Yes.

She said, we were talking about getting a black eye. And she goes, I had a black guy one time. Black guy. Her boyfriend goes, what did you say? Oh shit. She goes, it hurt so bad. Really? She goes, it was so black, it was almost purple. We were crying laughing. And he was like, hold on, hold on. She's like, my dad was so pissed when I came home and he saw it.

We were, I was like, this is a bit, what was that guy's fucking name? Man, that's a great story. What was that for? Ryan Dalton. Great guy. Ryan Dalton's girlfriend. It's not a wife. It's not a wife. Mazel.

Yeah, there's certain play on words like that that people that can get you into trouble. Yeah, that's why articulate. Are you a big word guy? When you tell your stories, you know what I mean? Like, do you like to, you know, some people use big words just to sound smart. I use the big words, but I always use them wrong. Yeah. Like I was using salt of the earth as in like these people, they ride the subway. They're salt of the earth. Someone's like, what does it, what do you mean? You mean like bottom of the barrel.

Yeah, I didn't know Salt of the Earth was like the good people. Yeah, Salt of the Earth. That's like, you know, this guy donated his heart to his cat. He's real salt of the earth. He's a fucking idiot. Yeah, for sure. That was a bad example. But yeah, like a good guy. You know, this guy helped that old lady, you know, scored for the first time. She was wearing the shirt, time to back it up. What was the story? Oh, I had a friend one time. We had a friend one time and he was, he was trying to pick up a chick.

And there was this little girl and they were talking about her needing a heart transplant. Okay. And he leaned in and he goes, that's why I'm an organ donor. So I could save a little girl like that. I go, they're not going to give her a 50 year old's heart. It's fucking huge. You're a grown obese man. Too much. She's going to be walking around like this. That's funny. Do you know you can donate your eyes? What? Can you donate your eyes? You can donate your eyes.

Wait, why don't they just, how do we not have cured blindness then? I mean, I have a lot of questions. First of all, would you be a picky if you lost your eyes and your heart and they go, we found a match, but he's a bull. So you'd have the heart of a bull. Yeah, I know you could have the heart of a lion, but you know, we're the... I wouldn't want it. You'd say no. I'd say no. You'd say, let me die. Yeah.

I would, because what if that pet, well, how about this? What if before he was a, he donated a charity for like two years straight. Okay. Now we're back in and his eyes, they found from, you know, they arrested him and did all sorts of tests and scans, come to find he's got x-ray vision. Oh, and what if you have a pedophiles eyes and then you start being attracted to kids? What if it's the eyes? Yeah, I was in a cover band called pedophiles eyes in high school saying only, uh, Peter Gabriel covers.

All right, that sounded better in my head. Wait, wait, hold on. You can donate your eyes after you die to help others see or to advance medical research. So you can donate your fucking eyes and nobody should be blind then. Nobody should be blind. Everyone that dies should be donating their eyes. And then what if, what if you, is it, is it bad? Do you think it's white privilege? If I, if I got, if I took some donate, I donated, if I got eyes, you know what I'm trying to say? No, I was just,

If you want me to be honest on this show, I'm gonna tell you the truth and I don't know. What if I just wanted prettier eyes? Okay. I don't think you're not a match. Those are beautiful. Can I get those? Who's asked what you want? Chris Amsworth? No, I want green eyes.

I already have beautiful eyes. You're pretty good. I have beautiful eyes. Well, I judge not a book by its cover, but by the inside of the book, you know? And so what I mean by that is, unless the book is titled, you know, Nazis are pretty cool, actually, then I judge the cover pretty hard.

You judge the book now by its cover by the inside of the book sure so the book I guess there's no way to phrase it You open a book and it says top 100 you're like what is this book about well sure yeah

You know, you're not going to read two chapters of that. Okay, Judy Bloom, table for one. So, but I think swapping out your eyes for better eyes is a pretty, that's, you know, it's not white privilege. I think it's, you can donate anything. Time as money, Brett. Don't donate money.

I stopped talking about it. I used to talk about it. You could take advantage of it. Because it's like, what's the point of donating money if you don't share with people that you donated money? And then what happens is then they go, you could have donated more. And you're like, fuck. I also like to go to the source, right? If I'm going to give a charity 500K, I'd rather just go to the place, take them all out to Hooters, right?

get their kids all a PlayStation, but then come in the middle of the night and steal the PlayStation so they learn about hard work and perspective. Oh, I like that. Yeah, I'm a big give and take guy. Do you shoplift? Oh, yeah. And I've also never seen squirting in my living room. Yeah, of course I shoplift. You know, expensive bacon and deodorant news.

You ever go into a grocery store like a Vons and they're like eight bucks for some Axe body spray. And you're like, I mean, I love the smell of Wolfthorn, but. Do you know what I do? I go in. I used to do this all the time in college. What do you do? I go in and grab the deodorant and I go to, if there was someone in the hall I go, I just got to see if I'm allergic to it. Great. And then I go, okay. And so I go, they go, oh no. I go, I think,

Ow, ow, ow. Oh god, I can't. I'd walk out of the store. Meanwhile, you're walking into your next adventure smelling like a fucking dandelion, right? Broken roses. The rock has its own line of, that's crazy. It's hot. Do you know my partner, Tom's a girl? Oh, yeah. Last time I was on the show in Austin with you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. With your strip club after, remember? You did go to a strip club after.

They let me dance on stage. This was a fun fucking night. It was great. We have a vodka together. And do you know what the next line is? That everyone's getting investing in? What? Deodorant and soaps. Jake Paul, The Rock. Everyone's going to have their own deodorant and their own soaps out. The Rock's got Papa Tui. I just put it on. Pretty good. You know, do you know The Rock? Very well, really. Yeah. He's actually... I call him Dwayne, DJ, fun stuff.

a cool guy, right? You know, we got the same head shape, the same body too. You know, you can't tell from the suit I'm wearing, but we work out at the same curves. And I like to keep company around that inspires me and gets me fired up, you know? And, you know, I'll watch him eatin' pancakes, but then still rockin' a six pack. And that gets me juiced up. I also like I'm a big, I'm a big outdoorsy guy, but I haven't spent a lot of time outdoors. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I mostly got outdoor shops. So yeah, I'd love to like I see him fishing. I'm like I love to just I love to just fuck it But I love to do it. I'd like to take things up a notch So if I got to go fish with the rock he'd be like here grab your grab your book, you know again I don't do voices, but you go, you know grab your boy, you know

grab your pole, you know, and then I grab my pole, but I'm back, you know, maybe I'll just put my fucking hand in the water and see who wants to come take a nibble, you know, because I got some tasty fingers, you're gonna ask my prom date, you know, she wouldn't fuck me, but she sucked on everything else, except my penis, don't cancel me, but she, shout out to Dana, by the way, but, um.

But there's a time and a place to celebrate your friends, and I have this Netflix special coming out. Oh, tell me about the Netflix special. November 19th, Dr. Phil Live, Netflix special, some big surprises. Myself, another Dr. Phil, real Phil arguably. I don't know how to do this, but a couple, I was curious about how to promote it without breaking the fourth wall. Did the real Phil at one point go, you know I used to do this without you.

You definitely came out on one point and I go, it's good to see you, Phil, he goes, I'm glad you're here he goes, I'm sure you are.

He goes, I'm sure this is exactly how you playing this shit. He fucking ripped it up. It was a good time. It was him, myself, Patton Oswell, J. Farrell, Joe Gatto, and it's on Netflix November 19th. Because, you know, we do the show at the Comedy Store once a month. Now we're on a big theater tour, right? Doing big theater, Chicago theater, celebrity theater, Beacon theater on November 15th. We got sold out shows in March and February of 2025.

I heard you're doing a big show at the Super Bowl this year. I don't think it's been announced yet, but I've heard there's rumors that I'm gonna because I'm a big I'm a big sports guy, you know, I follow Travis Kelsey on LinkedIn Who'd you like to if you could interview someone at the Super Bowl? Who'd you want to interview? Rob Grimkowski and Joe Montana Joe Montana and I are Eskimo brothers

Really? He doesn't know that, but I'm about to blow his mind with a couple of tweets. But there's a Rob Groom Krowski, you know, that might be the, the sweetest guy I've ever seen, but does, but also fearless. I did the roast a big poppy with Rob Groom Krowski in 2016. It was Bill Burr, Anthony Mackie,

Rob Gronkowski, Dustin Padroya, and myself, and I was there, well, I went there to watch, and comedian Adam Ray was on the day as I went to watch as a plus one for, who was it, not Pitbull, there's a guy, I'm friends with a guy who's friends with Pitbull,

Dan, anyway, he invited me and I went and it was wild because Grinkowski's up there. Josh Wolf was there too. And Rob Grinkowski, I saw him asking Adam Ray Preshow, hey, I got this joke about titty fuck and Josh Wolf's wife after I shit on her chest. And I heard Adam say, I don't know how that's going to go over, but trust your instincts. Rob opened with it and it bombed and everybody laughed.

Because he, and then he, Rob, gets up there and goes, so it's backstage fucking, to the fucking Joshua's girlfriend after I shit on a chest. Nobody laughed, then Rob goes, fuck you guys, I thought it was funny. Which made everyone laugh even harder. He was the funniest guy at the Tom Brady roast, because he would miss read his thing. You know, it would be even funnier. Yeah. He is the fucking, he is. He's, he's likable. You want to be likable when you're on stage. You don't want to be stupid, but you want to be affable. Classically trained pianist.

No, he's a big math guy. And well, I don't believe that. But he's a huge math guy. That's what Julian Edelman told me. Huge math guy, proficient in the violin, classically, trained pianist. You know, guilty until proven innocent. Can you play any instruments? Guitar, pan flute, harp, bass clarinet, alto sax, half a drum kit, trumpet, trombone,

Is that enough for you Mozart? No, that's good, that's good, that's good. I do want to, I can play the guitar kind of, where are we in time right now by the way? We're done. Okay, well. Let's do the, can you play a song? So I've got, I wrote a song for you. You wrote a song for me? You turned 52-48 and I wrote a song, I've just, I've been taking guitar lessons with John Mayer for about three days, okay? I didn't know anything until then, thanks brother. You got to pick for me as well?

Of course, oh yeah, right there. God bless you. And John Mayer told me, I said, hey, what's the best, it looks cool to put the strap on, but when you don't size it upright, you look like you're about to strangle yourself. You're like you're wearing kids clothes.

We'll keep her out here. I'm going to take my phone out. That's what she said. And videotape, not videotape, but I want to, I want to get some, some, some lyrics up here. I wrote, I took a little bit of time. John told me, he goes, hey, you want to act like you're having a good time. John, you've seen John in concert. Every time he sings, he's, he's, he's living it up. He said, move your strap.

John Mayer, I saw John Mayer, I got to give him a shout out. I saw him with Dead In Company. Yeah, incredible. Maybe the best show I've ever seen. And I've seen Andy Lennox laugh. And he really, he had a broken, this finger was broken. And he played three hours with one without one finger and didn't miss a fucking beat. He is amazing.

He's incredible. He might be the best guitar player I've ever seen. And I would love to smell his fingers, too, just to see what's going on there. But that's a Judy Bloomberg. Do you know what John Mayer's fingers smell like? It's me, Margaret. All right. So I wrote a birthday song for you, OK? Never played it live. Didn't even rehearse it. Just wrote it. But here we go. OK.

You good? Can you hear me still? Okay, great. You know, every song has like an intro. Yeah, yeah. Long time ago, November 3rd, 1972, a man came inside a woman and a baby group.

Not only did he grow, but he matured into a man. With a zest for life, a liver for booze, and a fun as folk game plan. Tampa Bay, don't you say, is where it all begun. Found comedy, a hot ass wife, took a shirt off just for fun. He's entertained the world for over 30 years.

He's probably also shit his pants from all the midnight beers. The most infectious laugh can be a cure when you are sick. He went keto in a speedo so he could finally see his dick. Father of the year, and too much self-esteem.

But you know you've done it right If you're friends with the machine So happy birthday, Bert You deserve it all and all the best Except for Caitlyn Jenner You've got my favorite chest

So spark one up, burn one down, shed a tear if you're gay. And wish the legend birdie bird a happy birthday. So call your dad, wash your butt, and listen to the fray. It's happy hour all the time on dirt crusher's birthday. It's happy hour all the time on dirt crusher's birthday. It's happy hour all the time.

Unbird Quashers, birthday. Yeah. Wow. Wow. You. You are so fucking talented. Appreciate you. You really are, man. I'm like fucking blown away. I cannot wait for this fucking special. I cannot wait for it. It's going to be a blast. And of course, we'll have you on the theater tour. Please, please. I think anytime you want to come out, we're talking about maybe doing something in Vegas January.

Yeah, we booked that up. But thanks for trying. No, yeah, Vegas January. If you can, anything you got time for, bring your buddies on the table. I can't wait. We'll toss them into the crowd. I appreciate it. Happy birthday. Dude, I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to death. I love you to

Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top is why the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears one cake.