Dr. K Chats With @AdinRoss

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I'm good, I'm good, man. I honestly, I saw, honestly, I'm not gonna be fake about it. I haven't seen anything that you've done or anything, but my moderators would tell me that they were gonna plant this from me. So I don't really know what we're doing today, but they just said it's gonna be good. Okay, so to be completely, first of all, dude, I love your honesty, man. I'm super hyped about this. So let me just explain a couple of things. First of all, what do you go by?

Aidan, you can just call me Aidan. Aidan, okay. Um, so let me explain to you a little bit about what we usually do. Um, I'm super excited. I similarly, I know that sounds kind of weird. I've seen very little of your stuff. I know you have a reputation on the internet. I'm not even sure exactly what it is, but I try very hard not to watch people's content. Um, just because anytime I have a conversation with them, I don't want to be biased by

a character on the screen. Yeah. Yeah. So let me explain to you what we do. I'm a psychiatrist, but one thing that it's important for you to understand is that this is not therapy. So I'm not going to be diagnosing you, treating you, prescribing any medications. Is that clear?

Yes, sir. So what I try to do with people, I started streaming to have conversations with people just to understand a little bit about what their life is like. That's basically it. Sometimes we'll talk about stuff, which is totally cool. Like sometimes we can talk about particular topics that may be interesting to you or interesting to me. But generally speaking, we're here because I believe that

The internet is a judgmental space and that having a conversation with a human being can help us learn more about each other and learn more about ourselves.

Sometimes, and I'm happy to go into more of my background if you want, people have questions about something related to science, health, or mental health. And while I don't provide medical advice, like for example, I think you have Crohn's disease and you should start on a biologic agent. I won't do that. I'm happy to guide people based on my varied experience and the kind of work that I've done, if people are interested in learning about things. And that's reciprocal. So if you want to teach me about stuff too, and it's kind of where the conversation goes, like that's totally fine.

Okay. How does that sound? Yeah, it sounds great, man. That sounds great. Um, everything you're saying is, it's, it's perfect to music to my ears. You know what I'm saying? Awesome, dude. So can you tell me a little bit about yourself? Yeah, my name is Aiden. I, uh, a lot of people that don't know me, they call me Aiden Ross. You know what I'm saying? But I mean, that is my name, but I like to be called Aiden. Um, I'm a streamer. I've been streaming for a few years now. I've been streaming for

I would say, honestly, four years coming up on five. You know what I'm saying? Let's see. I enjoy streaming. I used to enjoy it way more when my hunger was more. You know what I'm saying? When I was more hungry. But I feel like I've really kind of not beat the streaming game, but kind of like accomplished what my goals that I set beforehand. So now it's hard for me to kind of make and appreciate streaming more sometimes.

Um, but lately I've been doing some new stuff. Like I've been switching it up and I've actually been enjoying it lately as like this month, particularly. So, you know, it's been really good. Okay. Can you tell me a little bit about why? How'd you become a streamer, man?

So I've always kind of like played video games and throughout my whole life like everyone I used to like kind of be buddies with back in the day when I used to play like games like I used to play my first game I ever stream was NBA took a 14 but I had like no viewers but I just streamed it because which is like when I was 13 years old I would just stream it because like I was 13 like literally just cursing and just

playing and stuff like that and just kind of like making content. My boy was like, you'd actually be like a really good streamer. And I would like see other streamers that I would, I would watch and I'd be like, all right, you know, I'm gonna get ahead of the game. And I did it and I just, I have ADHD man. I just move a lot. I speak a lot. I just, my mind is just not normal. I feel like sometimes and I don't know. I just, I just really, really like got into it from having like passion for, for NBA 2K and then just talking a lot and while I'm playing stuff and entertaining.

Okay, so it sounds like you liked NBA 2K a lot. So you started streaming when you were like 13? Yeah, but I got no viewers and I quit for like a three, four years and then I started up up again like when I was like 17, 18-ish. And what, so if you've been streaming for four or five years, that means you're like 22, 23? I'm 22. Yeah, I've got to be 23 in October. Okay. And so the second time around, what kind of got you into it?

Second time around, I was a senior in high school. And I knew that I didn't want to go to college, man. I had family members tell me, you're going to be homeless. You're going to be like, if you don't go to college, did you not become a lawyer? And they want to become a lawyer or something that was suit and tie, super professional classy. And I just knew it wasn't for me. I was just always different. I was always like,

super to myself in school. I just never really wanted to do what everyone wanted me to do. I always wanted to go like a round of like, I always want to do the opposite. Like if you like if if a human being in my life that wasn't my father, my mother told me to do something, I just want to be opposite of it. She'd be like, like I, I, I, I, you told me that shit. And I, and I did the opposite just because I could do it. Okay. Wow. Yeah. It sounds like, um, you, you really like had,

A lot of, it sounds like family members were almost like trying to scare you into going to college.

uh... i got a lot of pressure because i i i i i can't remember i come from a fan from a family that nobody ever went to school like the only people that have been through i have sisters the only person that uh... was in school or mine was like my one aunts and then uh... my mom like my dad even go to college like it's like nobody in my my whole family once a once a once a college like nobody if they never went to college why would they pressure you so much and uh... going to college

Because at the point of my life, when I was a senior about like make what I wanted to do, we weren't really financially stable. There was a lot of problems in my home. So like they were just like, well, if you go to college, you have a good head on your shoulders and stuff. And I think it'll be different because you'll be switching up like the family tradition type of thing, type of thing, you know? Wow. So it sounds like things were a little bit rough and they sounds like they were recommending stuff based on what they thought was good for you.

My senior year, it was really hard for my family. I was, I was super skinny. I didn't eat every night. People think that like I had it very easy my whole life. We were financially stable, medium class up until about senior year. It got really hard for us. Um, and you know, it's, I would go literally some nights without eating dinner. Like I would just have like a bag of chips for dinner and stuff. Why is that? Because there was a point in time where

Something happened where everyone like in my family, my mom didn't work. She was, she was, she does yoga and stuff. Like she's like an instructor now. She does like yoga for fun. Wow. I retired my mom like a couple of years ago. Um, but she just does yoga instruct me for fun. I'm sorry. What do you retire your mom a couple of years ago?

like she would work with like mentally disabled people and like help them out like people like autism and like down syndrome and bipolar she would like help them and stuff and like not a nurse but kind of just like somebody who would just like be really like like an A basically. Yeah.

So I retired my mom from doing that. And she just does yoga for fun because it's like she's like very into the namaste, like peaceful stuff and stuff. So she's super at peace and spiritual. But what I mean by retirement here is I just basically like was like, hey, mom, dad, you guys never thought about money ever again. Like, you guys are good. I got them a house. I paid it off everything. Got them cars. So that's how that's my number of time. Yeah, that's impressive, man.

Yeah, that's the best feeling I've ever, out of everything I've ever done in my career, out of anything I've ever spent, that's the best thing I think anyone could ever say, especially me. Anybody that's in a position like I am, I pray that you guys all get in this position where you can retire your parents, the best thing in the world is nothing like it. Sounds like you're a good son, Aidan. I'll try to be. I'll try to be.

Um, maybe if we, if we get to know each other a little bit better, we can hear about some of your less good things that you do for as being a son, but yeah. Um, so wow. So that sounds like you're, you were kind of very self driven. Can you help me understand a little bit about this kind of like, if someone tells you that you shouldn't do something, you kind of like, you're like screw you. I'm going to do it anyway.

Well, my mind has always been different. Like, I tell you, when I was like four years old, five years old, I've always grew up different. When I was five or six, in first grade, I was wearing pull-ups, though. I was wearing diapers, because I was a late bloomer to where I was peeing and wet in the bed until I was like six or seven years old. And I've always seemed to be rebellious, and I've always seemed to be doing things that, like,

It lay and just what other kids weren't doing. I would have weird ticks growing up. I was just super like, I wouldn't say I was like, socially awkward. I was very social. I made a lot of friends. I moved around a lot. I moved. I've had like four different, I moved like four different towns, kind of three different towns, like making new friends. I've always been very social. I've always fit in with people and stuff. I've never had a hard time doing that, but I would just say, growing up, listening to people,

I was very, I guess we said rebellious in a way, not in a bad way, just in a way if somebody was like, hey, Aidan, do that in this, I would do it my own way. Like, I'd like to just figure it out my own. Like, for example, I had to learn this a lot, but I've had many things in my life where I've messed up, where people are like, Aidan, like,

Don't do this. Like, and don't jump on the table, for example, but I would have to do it to learn the consequence. I would just like to see what would happen. I would, I would want to see it. People in life that can catch it and like, like, for example, doctor, if you were like, eight and if you jump on that table, you're going to get hurt. I think those people that can actually just listen and just not do it, those are lucky people. There's a lot of people that are that, that, that genuinely like they have to actually go through it, figure it out from themselves. And I was one of those kids that just like wanted to just know what it was like.

So I'm sort of hearing that not necessarily that you were like rebellious, but that you just needed to learn things from yourselves, for yourself.

Yeah, but again, I just think it's not fair. I get it. I get why, but I just think it's not fair for family members, anybody to be pressuring their children to be doing something. I think college is extremely outdated. For example, I'm not bashing college. I think college is necessary for a lot of people. I think if you know what you want to do, if I know what I'm passionate about, if I want to be a lawyer or a doctor, if I want to do something,

I think college is worth it for me if I know what I'm doing. If I think if people are going into college without any train of thought what they want to do.

Like for example, if I'm like, I want a career in business, go to culture business. If you don't know what it is yet, just go to culture business. You know you want a major business. But if you don't know what you want to do, what's the point? That's my thing that I'd recommend. Try finding a way to make money, stack up, you know what I mean? And figure it out then. I just think being pressured and forced into doing that. And that's what I had my senior year. Like I was already being told by my family members, you need to be an accountant.

You know what I mean? You need to be an account. You need to be a lawyer. You know what I mean? I'm like, I don't even know what I want to do. It's my life, you know? And I'm out of age where I just want to know, I'm out of age where I just want to, I want to figure out my own when I was 18. I just want to figure out my own. Yeah. And so what's it like to be under that pressure? Um, I think I felt a lot of pressure because at this point, my sisters weren't really doing anything. No offense to them. I love them. They're doing, they're doing their own things now. But I just think

I was really going through it because I feel like everything was crumbling in my family. Nobody was really, you know what I'm saying? Doing it, man. Yeah, and I just felt like I was in a way, the golden child. I had to resurrect and help my parents out and find a way. So I had just, yeah. So I'm almost hearing that like the pressure you were under was not just about your own life. It's sort of like they were putting all their eggs in your basket.

Yeah, I would say. So I would say, like, I was kind of like, I felt pressure from everybody because I had a had a succeed. And if I didn't succeed, then I was going to feel like a failure, probably like, I don't know. And honestly, I still have this pressure to this day. I know we're going to get into that later, but the pressure is never one away. I've had it ever since I was a senior. What do you mean we're going to get into that later? Help me understand that?

Well, we're starting your we're talking right now about like before all this, which is good. And I want to I want to stand this for a little bit if you have any more topics or questions talk about because I'm saying I still have this pressure to this day. Okay. Of like basically like carrying my family tree if that makes sense. It's weird. I'll get into it. I don't mean any type of like egotistical way or anything like that. But I'm not getting any ego from you. Okay. You want to talk about it now?

Not saying like, was there nothing? Cause I know we're talking about like the beginning, like before all this, like, do you want to skip right into that? I don't care. I don't care what we do. I mean, I have a, I have like a thousand questions for you, but sure. Maybe we can get into a little bit later. Okay. So you mentioned that you were a hunger. So you said that you said a couple of times that your mind has always been different. Like what else have you noticed?

Every single trauma I've ever had in my life, I've always put it away and stored it, and I never dealt with it. I've only cried a few times in my life. I've cried before, and sometimes it hits me, but I used to cry a lot when I was a kid, but every time I have trauma, I put it in my back in my brain. I'm very desensitized. My brain is very desensitized. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I almost, it's just like,

How do I put this? My brain works really weird. I don't feel feeling sometimes because I'm not soulless. I have a soul and whenever I disconnect myself, I feel things. And I can feel love and I can feel passion. I can feel stuff. Whenever you disconnect yourself, you feel things?

Disconnect from the internet mainly like go go go basically like go somewhere. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Get away from all of this. Get away from everything. Take a little break. Go travel somewhere without having to work. Take time off the streaming. It really helps me find myself again. Connect myself to reality. Um, but, um, where was I sorry? Oh, the decentralization of my brain. That's my biggest issue I have today. It's like, it's super hard for me to sometimes feel things.

And just kind of like, I don't know. It's almost like I'm a motionless. I feel like I beat the game. What do you mean by beat the game? What's the game? When I was coming in to entering the streaming game, I had goals in the back of my head. And the goals in the back of my head were,

set your parents up for life, put some money in your bank account, meet some of your heroes and idols, and you did it. And the excitement and hunger I had when you could conquer in this, like the grind part, the grind aspect was honestly, I couldn't realize it. But when I was grinding, that was the, that was like the peak feeling of me when I was accomplishing all this stuff. I've talked to

a lot of the people that I looked up to throughout my life and I met them and I've had conversations with them and I got this and I got that and I did that and I did this and I just feel like I've kind of already conquered a lot of things like at a really young age. Sure. And what does it feel like to conquer things at a young age? Like I beat the game. And how does that feel?

I don't know. I honestly, man, it's really, it's fucked up because honestly, like, that's what drives me crazy sometimes. Like, what do I do now? Like, what do I do? You know what I mean? Sure. And I'm hearing that you really almost enjoyed grinding. Of course, when I was in the grind, I had a hunger and I was, boom, boom, getting all my goals and results and stuff. It's like,

That shit was everything to me. Like that was like, that was, you could see the hunger. The hunger right now that I had when I, I'm sorry, I'll never have that hunger again. It's true. I don't, well, I think I don't believe I will. I wish, I wish I wish I would, but I just, I don't think that hunger exists anymore. Like I'm hungry the other way. It's like now sometimes when I, when I, when I want, when I want, when I want to make

like amazing content, like I wanna, I wanna do new things. I just think about my community and what got me here today. Like my community has been here through the shitty moments, the good moments, the good content, the bad content. It's like now all I cared about was just doing shit for them, my core. I don't care about anything else but my core. I wanna make good content for my core because my core has been here through everything for me. So it sounds like you had some goals that were, and you know, let me know if this word rubs you the wrong way a little bit more selfish before.

definitely. No, no, no, no. My main set goal was to just get rich, take care of my family, and have some money that put us out for me. And I was it. Yeah, I would say my goal was never selfish. Like once, once I, my first, my first purchase was a Lamborghini at 19, I think. But like, you're right, I guess you are right. My first, my first goal, what? Yeah, I would say was selfish.

Yeah, I mean, I was thinking about a better word, you know, because I think it's like okay to have selfish goals, like, you know, like it's okay to want stuff from life. Yeah, I didn't mean it to be derogatory. And that's why I was like, I couldn't I just couldn't find a better word. I think sorry, I didn't mean it. I didn't go for it. I think when you're in client mode, like anyone that's grinding towards something, like, I don't really know too much about you, but

Like, when you're grinding for, like, let's just say what you went to Harvard, right? Sure. When you were grinding to get to Harvard, when I was grinding to become a streamer, you kind of have to be selfish, because, like, let's just say, like, like, in a way, in a way, like, you're grinding to, like, to, in a selfish way, like, where you have to just do you, basically, before you can really aid and take care of others.

You know what I'm saying? I think that's a very, very reasonable way to look at things. Interestingly enough, I would say in my case, it was sort of the opposite. There was a time in my life where I was grinding to get into Harvard and I was nowhere near. And then there was a time in my life where I gave that up and wasn't interested in being the best or accomplishing anything really. And paradoxically, that's what ended up getting me there.

You know, I think that what you're saying makes perfect sense. And so I'm kind of curious, like when you were grinding and accomplishing stuff, when you got, it sounds like you got a Lamborghini at the age of 19, which is like, that's rare, man. One, it's like below one, it's like, well, like point something percent of just doing that. There's people that don't even have fucking houses and food, bro. And I'm over here buying a Lamborghini at 19 years old. You go, what I'm saying? Like, it's like super desensitizing.

What's desensitizing about it? I think in general, at 19, having a load of money and not knowing what to do with it, never being taught what to do with money, never being taught how to use it, how to utilize it. And I'm 19. I buy a Lamborghini. It's like, it doesn't make sense. I don't even have a house yet. I don't even have my parents aren't even good yet. I just think it's super desensizing, making money to buy a Lamborghini

at 19, I just think having a lot of money would not know what to do with it at 19 is crazy. You know what I mean? So I think there's something really, that sounds like an important discovery, but I don't understand it. So how does buying a Lamborghini at 19? How does that connect to desensitizing? Can you help me understand that? I think you're on to something I just don't. Yeah. Yeah. I think what I'm trying to say is like,

Maybe it's the wrong word I'm using. Like, I don't think so, man. Whoa. It's a sense-housing buying a limb beginning in 19 in general, because it's like, you're not, I don't know, I just feel like not every 19 year olds doing that. True. You know what I'm saying? So when you come into that, like that little like, I don't know, like when you come in and you go buy a limb beginning in 19 without having houses and all these things and stuff, it's like,

I never knew how to manage money. Like, I never knew how to like, do that. And if I, and right now, if I go back and 19, I had the funds I had, I would tell myself, don't buy the bikini right now. And then what would you have done? If you told yourself, if Aidan Ross from the future showed up to 19 year old Aidan Ross and was like, brah, don't buy Lambo. What would 19 year old Aidan Ross have done? I think what, I think I would have literally said,

give it to your parents because they know what they know what to do. You know what I mean? That's what the older you would have said. What would the younger you have done? Oh, you're saying younger than younger than now? No, no. So like if you were 19, right, let's say you could travel back in time. You could talk to your 19 year old self. And 22 year old Aiden was like, don't buy a Lambo, give it to your parents. What would 19 year old you have done?

Fuck you, I'm buying lemon uni. Right? Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And so when you say desensitized, maybe I can offer something and let me know. So I'm getting the sense that you, when you're grinding, you feel really good, right? Cause you're putting in effort and then you're seeing those numbers or whatever those metrics are. And then after you get it, there's like you feel nothing.

Not nothing. So I'll explain it. When you're gaining, when you're grinding towards something, you get a high. After I would do a viral stream or a viral moment, I would get high off of it. It would give me some type of release of chemicals in my brain to make me like, OK, keep going. This is amazing. I love the attention, what I'm gaining from this. I love the money. I love the dopamine release. I love it. I want more of it. I want to keep. What's next? How do I go viral again? How do I go again? How do I gain more followers? How do I get more?

How do I gain out of this? The cloud, it's addicting, it's a drug. Because when you're gaining, when you keep gaining and gaining and gaining, it's a high. So I wouldn't say I feel nothing now. I just don't care anymore. I don't care as much as I did before. If I was stuck on a very, very small core community that just loves me and cares for me and will watch me do anything,

And I don't really care about the crazy numbers anymore. I don't really care about doing crazy viral stuff anymore. Like I just don't, like I care to go, I care to make good content, but like the crazy, crazy viral moments and stuff that I was doing back in the day, I don't want to put my, I don't need to put myself in that position anymore. What's changed? I would say growing up a little more, going through a lot, doing a lot, I would say, having more money now,

Um, I would just say, honestly, yeah, I would just say more experience in this shit as well. And in what ways have you grown up in experience? I think, um, I'm not a hundred percent mature yet. I'm, I still have a lot to learn. I'm still super young and I make dumb decisions all the time. Um, I don't know, man, I think,

I think I still got a lot more growing up too, but I think I'm in a better place now than I was when I was back in 21, 20, you know. How are you different one or two years ago? What was the place you were in? Less money, uh, different, different living situation. Um, you know, I would say less, like, like just less experience in general in my, in my career as well.

Um, so a different people around me got, you know, I don't really speak with anymore. Go ahead. We're going to say, I'm sorry. So no, no, it's, it's totally cool, dude. Um, I was just kind of, so I'm a little bit confused because like on the one hand, I'm sort of hearing that back in the day, when your head was in the game, you felt good. You're grinding, you're getting that dopamine rush. You use the word addiction, which is, I mean, that's, that's a powerful word, man. And at the same time, it sounds like you felt really good.

And I'm sort of almost hearing you kind of say that you're in a better place now, but you don't feel as good in some way. Does that kind of make sense? I'm sort of hearing two different threats. I don't feel fulfillment and high anymore after having a viral moment. Does that make sense? If I see a viral moment or viral clip now, I'll just laugh about it and scroll right past it.

I don't care anymore as I would care back in 2021. I would be super, super like, Oh my God. Oh my God. I got to do more of this. I got to do that. I got to do this. I just don't really care for it anymore. Which one do you prefer the way you are now or the way you used to be? Now, all about pleasing a core that cares about me than a trendy audience that doesn't really care two shits about give two shits about me for sure. Okay. And it's being fulfilled and being high the same thing.

What do you mean? So you said, like, you don't get the sense of fulfillment. You don't feel as high anymore. I don't mean like drugs. I mean, like what you're talking about. I feel like I feel like peace. I feel I'm cool with what I have. Like I feel comfortable. You feel good at peace now? A piece because back in back when I was in that 2021 mode, I was nervous and whole and horribly going like mentally destroyed because I would always have to think about what I got to do the next day to go viral. Otherwise, I'm going to fall off.

You know what I'm saying? Like I was on a mission still trying to grind and trying to figure things out and try to just going down this little upscale of a blow up. So I'm kind of hearing that like it's quite a roller coaster dude. So like on the one hand, there's like the thrills and it's like, hell yeah, you feel that energy. What's next, baby? But at the same time, maybe there's like anxiety, like maybe I can't do it. Like, yeah, you know, doubt literally, yes, self doubt, self.

Um, just a lot of a lot of like, like overthinking man, just like straight up just, you know, what kind of, what do you mean by overthinking? What kind of stuff? If I didn't talk this stream, I was going to fall off and everyone would leave me. And I just thought like, if I didn't do this right or, or, you know, if I didn't, you know, figure out a way to do this stream better and figure it out, then my whole community was going to leave me. I really did. I thought I thought I won't leave.

And so you mentioned that like your who you hang out with or something has changed. What's happened to your community, your connections? I had a different living arrangement. You know, back in my name in 2021, I was first blowing up a lot of people hit me up, had a lot of fake people in my life at that time. I had a lot of people who were just straight up.

Just not, I had a lot of you in my life that weren't there. Like my living range was, I was in a whole content house, okay? I was in a house full of people who do content creation as well on the internet. And it was just, it was a different environment. I was living in work if that makes sense. Like I was living, yeah, I was, I would wake up to a messy ass room to a stream I did the day before. And I would, you know what I'm saying? I would wake up to that. Like if I was in my streaming room the other day,

And I, and I completely broke like, um, this one stream I did. I broke like this con concrete stuff with a hammer. Um, and, and I, I slept in that like I was sleeping in work. So my living arrangement in general was just completely gift. Like it was just, I was living in work. I felt too much work, work, work, work, work, you know, and, and how are you living now? Happier for sure. I, I now, um, I don't live in work. If I want to take a day off and lay in bed.

watch TV and just take one thing at a time and not live and work and go outside. And it's a lot better. What's the light? Yeah, I do. I do. I do. I do sometimes get lonely though, not a lie. But what you're writing down there, doctor? I mean, I've written a ton of shit. Why are you so focused on what I'm writing now? I'm just kidding. I'm just I know. I don't think you're kidding.

Well, no, I'm saying like, I know you've been writing this whole time. Like, I don't really care where you've been writing. I mean, I know you're just taking notes. Is there something about? Can I ask you a question? I've been asking you. It's kind of silly. So what I'm signaling to you is I think what was it like to say you get lonely sometimes?

I've always lived with work. So I've always had people around. And now that I live alone, it's different because now I live alone. I don't live with family. I don't live with parents. I used to have a girlfriend, like a girlfriend, excuse me. I used to live with her. I don't live with her. Obviously we broke up. I don't, I live alone, right? So it's like for me, it's like, it's different. You know, I'm gonna get lonely sometimes. It sounds lonely.

Yeah, it is, but I have friends and I have, you know, my parents close by and stuff. So it is what it is. Can I think for a second? Think.

I'm going to need a second. Okay. Take your time. Is it okay to be lonely? Yes, it is. I just think it wasn't, but it is. Help me understand that. It's okay to be lonely. It's okay to not have to rely on somebody for happiness. It's okay to find yourself. Find happiness within yourself. Like you don't need to be

You don't need to be always with somebody. You're allowed to be lonely and find happiness and sleep alone. And, you know, you're allowed to do that stuff. I think I think I think doing that sometimes can be good for people. I think I think people need to find themselves by being alone, you know. Okay.

I'm going to just share a couple thoughts. Let me know like, it's kind of like a shot in the dark. Like normally I talk to people a little bit more, but you let me know what, what sits with you and what doesn't. So first thing is you kind of mentioned, you know, early on that you sort of feel numb.

and or desensitized, I think was the word that you use. And I just heard, I was, cause you see, you know, I don't get that from you. So you seem pretty animated, you seem actually pretty in touch with your feelings like you had a really like poetic description of, you know, the grind and how it's like addictive and it makes you feel good, but it like comes at a cost, right? Like there are the high highs, they're the low lows. And the scary thing about the grind is even when you're flying at the top,

In the back of your mind, there's like, OK, is this plane going to crash? And then it can feel really good to have those thoughts and beat them back with something growing bigger and getting more viral. So it's almost like you're conquering your demons because you have all these doubts and stuff. And you're going higher, and you're going higher, and you're going higher. And as you put it, you beat the game.

And then I, you know, I saw a couple of things from you that I, I just haven't seen before, except when you mentioned the loneliness. So like the first thing is you called attention to me writing, which, which I know, I mean, you know, I've been writing the whole time and like, I know I've been writing the whole time, but there seemed to be something like what I actually felt in that moment is like a little bit of a, like a little bit of a,

sensitivity like, like, you know, like, what are you writing? Like there's like, like what, what, what did I just show you that you fucking caught is like honestly what it felt like to me. Um, and then you also said like it, and then I asked you like, Hey, like, is it okay to be lonely? And you kind of said, yeah, right, which I think you're a smart guy. And I think that you use your mind to

deal with a lot of your stuff. I don't know how else to put it. And then you, you gave like a really positive answer, right? Like it's okay to be lonely. It's okay to like feel these things. And then you kind of said it is what it is, which is something that people say when something is not good. You know, like, well, well, there's perks, there's pros and cons with everything, right? Um, I think there's times are like, damn, I wish I had somebody with me. I wish I couldn't

enjoy life with somebody. I wish I can, you know what I'm saying? I think, I think, you know, there's, there's, there's pros and cons and everything. I think, um, you know, when, when you saw me, I knew you were writing this entire time, when you saw me talk to the loneliness part. I, yeah, yeah, I mean, like, look, man, I'm gonna be honest, like, it's good to be lonely, but there's times where I also wish I wasn't lonely. Of course. I'll admit it. Yeah. You know, yeah, I've been so,

That too, it's kind of like there's pros and cons, right? So like, I'm with you, there's pros and cons to being lonely, pros and cons to being married. I'm with you. I think intellectually it's spot on, but I'm kind of noticing that like anytime you kind of come up on emotion, your mind kind of steps in and sort of says like, oh, there are pros and cons, right? It's okay to kind of feel this way. But something interesting happens is that you actually move away from the feeling by saying that. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does. Like I said, my emotions are fucked. I feel like I don't feel sometimes. I try to step away. I try to move away. I try to get away from the feeling part of things sometimes. Yeah. And why do you think your emotions are fucked? They're my whole life. I've always had trauma and I've always not really went through it. I've always kind of just put it to the side.

Um, do you feel comfortable sharing? I mean, I don't think this is the place to really air out all of your traumas, but can you help me understand? Huh? Yeah. Yeah. So the most dramatic thing that ever happened to me was check this out, right? This is a story when I was 12. I was sleeping. My, uh, my uncle came in. She stabbed me with a knife and my sleep to the mark right there. It's a scar.

And he thought I worked for the FBI. He was on some meth. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was 12 years old and in my sleep and I woke up to a knife and I pulled it out when I went to the hospital. How does it feel to say that? I don't care. They make jokes about it with me. They've actually helped me out a lot. You know, who's they? My stream.

much at my audience. I think my viewers. What joke? I'm confused. Well, they just make me like, I think sometimes humor kills voids in a way, like sick, dark, twisted jokes. You know what I mean? Like, I think my audience, my viewers sometimes help me like, they make jokes about it. So it's like, it makes it like a little bit to try to add light to the darkness of it, you know,

Yeah, I mean, I think that that sounds, I mean, humor is a way that human beings cope with stuff all the time. Yeah. And I mean, so even though that was kind of physically traumatic, did it, how did you understand that? Did it bother you? At a young age, I didn't, at a young age, I didn't, and my parents told me, they said, you don't have to go to school for however long you want. We're going to put you in therapy, we're going to do all these things and all that.

I said, no, I want to go to school. It was, it happened on a Friday. I said, I want Friday, Friday night after school. I said, no, I'm going to school Monday. They got me a cast. I went to school. I made up a light. Everybody in my class, I said that I tripped on a rust, like a rusty nail. I was forgot what I said. And, um, I ran with it. Are you? I mean, that's impressive. Yeah. Like, that's a hard 12 year old dude.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, yeah, and I think I left out something as well. I also witnessed my grandparents having sex at eight years old as well. Kind of witness in a way of shadows and noises and stuff.

Well, so it's kind of interesting because, you know, you call that trauma and like it's definitely trauma. Yeah, for sure it is, for sure it is. And yet like what I'm actually getting the most of you from what I'm feeling the most of from you is actually like pride. Not right. I just try to bring it pride. I probably bring light to it. It is dark. Don't get me wrong, doctor. It is dark. It's fucked up.

I just try to bring light to the situation. Like I think adding a piece in the scent of dark humor to stuff is in my opinion the best way to kind of put light over it. Like it's like I

I just like, that's how I guess I've been dealing with that. It was just cracked dark, crazy dark jokes. Absolutely, man. I mean, I think literally like we can talk about this if you want to at some point, but I'm literally earlier today. Let's see if I can find this. Here it is.

I know. I'm actually reading a bunch of papers about coping mechanisms and trauma. Yeah. And just how they kind of change and stuff. But it's kind of interesting. So I'm noticing that you bring a lot of positive to the negative. And that's what I try to do, man. You know what I'm saying?

I look at it like this, and people always sometimes are like, damn, I wish when I was growing up, I didn't have it like that. And I wish sometimes it would be easier and stuff. And I don't want to sound ignorant. There's definitely people that I've had that way worse than me. But I've been through some stuff, you know what I mean? Probably there's people that are to see, hear this, that have been way, way worse than me, you, et cetera. So I don't want to sound ignorant, but I think that you've got to sometimes take the cards you're dealt with and just

try your hardest in life and give it all you got. And I think part of that is finding a way to literally kind of make your mind strong. So I think when you go through these traumatic things in life, you want to try to add some type of like light to it. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. So I'm hearing that.

Yeah, I hear you, dude. So like what I'm getting from you is that you're a survivor. You're a thriver despite your circumstances. Yeah, yeah, I would believe so. Yeah, I mean, I think there's plenty of evidence for that. Yeah. So what bothers you about, so when you kind of say like, you know, you didn't feel much when you were traumatized, like help me understand that a little bit.

I just so when I was when I was a kid, I just never liked talking about my feelings. I always just kept it in like even though I would something bad and what happened to me, I would always just find a way to just kind of like change topic and just not want to talk about it and just not want to let it out and just really just keep it in and put in the back of my head and deal and think about it later. What kind of stuff would you keep in anything in general? You know what I'm saying going up?

just with any type of trauma, any type of like what are my parents fighting or you know, whether it just be my grandparents having sex in front of me or whether it be, you know, getting stabbed in the knife in my sleep, whatever it was, any type of trauma like that. I would just always try to not really talk about it, put it in the back of my head and forget about it.

Well, I mean, it sounds like you're actually doing something similar even today. It sounds like you learned a different way of doing that, which is looking at the positive, trying to put light on it, cracking jokes. Yeah. But I'm hearing that maybe at one point you were like avoiding it or whatever. And now you've learned a different way to like move away from it. Yeah, definitely. So let me ask you, what's, what's the problem with like not feeling a whole lot? Scary.

It's scary because like, I'm wondering one day is it's going to catch up to me. Am I going to one day, one day wake up alone at 40 years old and not have any feeling at all any type of.

any type of like, I don't know any type of like ambition, any type of like feeling and admiration. Um, if I said that, right? Sorry. Um, if I, any type of love, any type of just happiness in general, like, am I going to be this empty, um, having like this void, like, am I going to, I don't know, I'm scared of what, what, what, what am I going to feel in the next 10 years? What do you think you're going to feel in the next 10 years?

I don't know. Hopefully, hopefully good. Has your fear of this grown or shrunk over the last four years? Of what? Being scared about my future? Yeah, yeah. I would just say living in the moment more. And I think just not really trying to think about it because I'm scared. I just listen, I think nobody wants to be alone when they're older. You are you married? Yeah.

Like, that's your person. You know what I mean? Like, that's your best friend. That's your companion. That's like your rock. So like, you're good, right? How old are you? You don't want me asking? 40. You're good, brother. You're good. I'm worried at 40 years old. I'm not going to be able to find someone genuine enough to love me for me. I wear that stuff sometimes, man. I worry, you know, I just worry about that.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's a super legit word, dude. Like, I think, um, you said earlier that you're known on the internet is Aiden Ross. Yeah. You were Aiden and I absolutely like, there's a decent chance you'll end up with a string of people who are not interested in Aiden, but are interested in Aiden Ross. 99% of people, that's right. It's fucking scary, man. It sounds like the odds are stacked against you.

Yeah, but I saw myself out for it, man. And I used to feel bad about it. And I used to hate hate it in a way, but it's like I'm blessed at the end of the day, man. Like, there you go again. What are you doing? What am I doing? Oh, I didn't positive to the negative. Yeah. Damn, I didn't. Damn, that's crazy. You're right. I did just do that. Right. So the interesting thing is like, like I'm with you, man. Yeah. But like,

I'm gonna say something. Please. I'm really curious, and you gotta, can you do me a solid? Can I ask you for something? Go ahead. I just want you to tell me what your response is. Good, bad, whatever. Yeah. Aiden, how would you feel if I said I'm sad for you? Right now, you just say, Aiden, I'm sad for you. Yeah. I would ask, well, I'd be like, why are you sad for me?

Because I mean, you just told me that there's a 99% chance that people are going to be with you for the wrong reason. You just, you're worried about being lonely. My initial, my initial response was like, yeah, man, it sucks. But what can I do? The truth? I mean, like, what can I do about it? You know what I'm saying? Like, I mean, I, I, I, it would be like, yeah, it does suck. But I mean, like, what can I do about it? It is what it is. It is what it is. That's the type of bond. Literally. Yeah.

But then, but then, but then when I'm, but then when I'm alone in my bed, I'm gonna cry tonight. And I'll be like, damn, doctor is right. But damn. I can't tell if that's a joke or not. Um, I get my feelings sometimes, man. It depends. Like, it depends on the type of day I'm having. And what kind of day you're having today? Good day.

Does that make it more or less likely that you'll cry at night? Well, I was adding a little bit of a joke to that, to that statement. I don't, I'll never cry at night alone. You know what I mean? Like, I just sometimes get my thoughts, sad thoughts that come in. And it's just more thoughts that are just like, think about my future. It happens every so often, but it just depends on the time of day I'm having. That's all. Okay. How's this going?

I like this. What do you like about it? I like having an actual conversation with somebody that's a good conversation, a serious conversation. I don't get a lot of these in lessons with my parents or close friends. And I think meeting is like you're a stranger to me. I'm a stranger to you. I think meeting a stranger and having like an intellectual conversation like this is it's nice. I like it. It's something different that I usually don't do. Well, no wonder you're lonely. Damn. I mean, I try.

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you, I know, I know, I know. What did you hear there? I was like, damn, like, damn, like, why'd you say like that? Well, it helped me understand how what you heard me say. I said, it's like, it's rare for me to have intellectual conversations with strangers. You said, no, that's wonder why you're lonely. Yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean, yeah, you're right, but it's hard to have intellectual conversation with strangers that want to leech off me and use me for things. It's hard to see the real people, you know,

So like, I wasn't, it wasn't like, it wasn't a dig at you. I know, I know you're good. I know. Right. Cause like, dude, it's like, it's hard. Like, like you don't even get to have regular conversations with people, bro.

Yeah. So like in person, when somebody recognizes me, they'll come up to me and ask for a picture. They won't even have a conversation. It's the same script every time. Hey, until I get a picture, they walk away. It's no house or day going. It's no, I'm good, man. What do you do? What's your name? It's no, hey, man, um, what you, I try, I try to compensate sometimes. I do, but it's, it's like, I would love to have a conversation with people who know me. I'd love to get to know them as well. You know, I'm hearing, Aidan, that you sometimes get treated almost like an object.

Yeah, for sure. By the way, you've got to tell me if I overstep or something. I'm just saying, if you just think about it for a second, and anyone who gets treated like an object gets treated like Aidan Ross instead of Aidan, they're going to be lonely. My point, my man, it's going to be very hard for me to find the one.

Well, I'm a little bit more optimistic. I think I will. I think so. Thank you. I think you absolutely can. So can I tell you why? Tell me why. I think you're good at growing.

Like I think you're good at growing. Like you put your mind to something and you work on it. Like you're a resilient guy. I think you had to learn certain ways to survive. And you paid the price for that in a weird way.

So like, the weird thing is if you look at our brain, like our brain can't selectively suppress emotions. So what it learns how to do is shut them, like you can turn down the volume, but it's not like you can just turn down the volume on some instruments. There's a song point, you either turn down the volume or you turn it up. And what I'm hearing from you is that you turn down the volume a lot. And over time, you've actually learned healthier ways to turn down the volume.

And so what you used to do is like, I'm not quite sure what, not really, I mean, we can, if you want to at the end, I can pull out an iPad and walk you through like, you know, almost like lecture style, like what traumatic coping mechanisms look like in the evolution of coping mechanisms and stuff. But, and then now I'm hearing like a lot of, you know, something that is on the vert, so a lot of humor, but also like a lot of like fatalistic acceptance.

and almost like resignation. Right? So is that a good or bad thing? It's neither. It's a strategy. So I think that on the one hand, if you don't like, because here's the thing, if you were alone at the age of 40, how would you feel about that?

If I was one of the age of 40, I don't know, Doctor, I don't know how my brain's gonna be. I don't know if you know what I mean? Let me toss something out. You see if it sits with you, okay? Okay. I think you would be like kinda okay with it because you knew that this would happen, right? You always knew that the deck was stacked against you 99% of people are gonna see Aidan Ross and not Aidan. Like you saw it coming. Like you fucking see it coming. Even today. Yeah. And so like, you're not gonna be surprised

you've a doctor who wants to be forty no longer i mean i i think no one i mean i i i i i'm hearing what do you what what do you feeling when you say that wants to be forty years old alone you know it's just like what do you want to think about it's like

It's a realization. It's like, who actually wants to be 40 years old and alone, waking up alone? I could have a billion dollars in my big-count doctor. I still would not want to be 40 and alone. I'd rather have less than a billion. You would trade that much money for one. A real one. My best friend, a companion. What's it like to want that?

I just think like right now it's like I'm chilling. But I just think like later on it's gonna be harder. I think it hurts. Right now? No. Cause I'm so distracted. Right now there's someone going on. I'm like distracted. I'm doing a lot. But I'm not streaming. I'm still, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So when you say it's going to be hard, like what does that mean? I think it.

I think I'm like 30. Most of my friends are going to be married with kids. And they're going to be doing their own vibes. And they're not really going to have time to be kicking on me anymore. And I don't know what I'm going to be doing with this stuff anymore. Hopefully, I'm still doing it. Who knows? But if I'm sitting there, I got nothing going on in a career at that point. I don't want to think that far, as far as the career wise. But I mean, I like to think, because I don't know this game, I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to be doing.

I just want to, I want to figure out. It's okay. It's okay to be scared, dude. Yeah, I think that's what makes me human. Yeah. And I think when you don't let yourself be scared, that's what makes you not human. Yeah. That's what makes you a robot. True. Right. And I think that there's like, I mean, by the way, am I like beating you up here? You're not you're making me think actually. I like thinking. Okay. How do you feel about feeling?

I love feeling. I love feeling feelings. Are you feeling feelings now? I am feeling feelings with you. What are you feeling? I'm feeling very curious. I'm feeling very like open minded. I'm feeling very, um, interested in this conversation for real. I really am. I like it a lot. Okay. Okay. So let me toss some stuff at you. Okay. We do not right. Can I, can I keep going?

I love it. Yeah, of course. Of course. I mean, so here's, here's kind of like, I think it's like it. So, so it's really interesting because I think you intellectually understand what you feel. I think you just won't let yourself feel it. Right. So like you recognize your, you're scared. You recognize you're lonely.

You know, you use these words that are like emotionally bland. So you say it's going to be hard. But like, and I get that and you're right. It's 100% accurate, but it's also like you're turning off the color on the TV. Right. Like, true. Like, okay, doctor, can I tell you something? Yeah. Like, have you? Okay. Have you ever?

Obviously, I'm not trying to bring this up. If you're like, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I completely understand when you before your wife, like you were with many women, right? That you probably have no connection with.

What I'm trying to get at is like when you, when I, if you get with a lot of girls, there's no connection or anything. It's called like, in my generation, I don't know what's called in your boomer generation. For me, it's called fucking hose. It gets old. Like nobody wants to keep fucking hose. I don't be 30, 40 little fucking bitches. I want to be 40 years old with a wife and kids. That's the goal. Correct. Right? Like that's like the fulfillment. But I think like when you're, when you're, when you're

If you do that for your whole life, it's depressing in the void, and you're not fulfilling anything. It's just like, you're fucking a bunch of hoes to realize that you're the hoe. Like, you're the one that's doing that shit. That's how it is now. And my generation is fucked up, doctor. You know how bad, like, these girls' doctors are so fucked, bro. It's bad. It's very bad. It's getting very hard as it is being me. And I'm talking about it's getting fucking hard in general, because these girls nowadays, doctor, they're fucking

bad, bro. Yeah, fuck it. I had a joke. I was a joke. I'm sorry. Sure. Sure. So let me tell you what I heard. Yeah. Yeah. I think there was a really important communication in there. I just don't know if my boomerass can decipher it. So help me out, bro. Okay. So what I'm hearing is that like, there's a certain amount of pleasure in sexual activity. Yes. But there's a lack of fulfillment.

Of course, after I'm not, I want the bitch to not talk. Do it. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. I want, I want the girl, the female, the queen to not speak to me. Look at me. Leave. Why? That's unfulfillment sex. It doesn't make sense. Why am I having unfulfillment sex? But why do you want those things? Why don't you want them to talk to you afterward? There's no point. What?

But so this is what I'm confused about. So you're engaging in this behavior, and there's some rules to the behavior, and then you feel unfulfilled, and then as you, in your words, you become the hoe. So like I think somewhere somewhere in there like,

You end up in a, like, I don't know what that means, but I don't think it's good. It's not, it's not good. That's why I stopped fucking getting with girls for no reason. Like I stopped doing that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's just no point. Like it's, it's something not good. It's post not clarity. You know what that is, obviously, right? Sure. After I know it, like in the moment, like, yeah, like, so what are you looking for before? To get my nut off.

Okay, but post not, you're telling me post not clarity is unfulfilling and makes you feel like a hoe? Yeah, but in the moment, doc, it feels good. I mean, like, well, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, but I mean, so sure. So like sex is fun. I'm with you. Okay. But like what I'm kind of pointing out is like you're engaging in behavior that makes you feel cheap.

that makes you feel unfulfilled. Yes. Yes. Correct. That's why I'm telling you, like, I don't see the point. It gets old. Like, I feel like when you, when you, when you get with girls for an unfulfillment post, not clarity, it's pointless. It gets, it gets old after a while. You know what I mean? Yes. So maybe this is a whole conversation for a different day. I'm just going to toss this out there. There is a connection between the way you treat yourself and the way that you treat other people. 100%. Right. Yeah.

You're hearing what I'm saying? No, can you break it down, please? Yeah, sure. So like, I hear you use a particular kind of language and also engage in a particular kind of relationship with people that you're sexually active with.

Yeah, because doctor, there's a difference between a girl, like a genuine, like, okay, girls are girls. But doctors, the difference between a girl and a whole, like it's different, it's different. Like a queen and a whole, it's two different girls. Like I'm trying to tell you, like, I want to find a queen. Fuck the hoes, the hoes got it. They can, you know what I'm saying? Like there's no, like, what's the difference? I gotta start, what's the difference? Doctor, you're not gonna marry a hoe. You're gonna marry a queen.

What's the difference? A hoe is a girl that if I literally damn right now, um, she'll, she'll, she'll literally come over first night, give it up. Like, I don't got to take her out. I don't got to compensate with her. It's just like, you know what I'm trying to say? So that is a hoe. I don't want to wipe that. You wouldn't want either.

You wouldn't trust me. You wouldn't, because you wouldn't. They're soulless. You know nothing about my relationship, right? Well, no, I'm assuming nobody wants the wife of Hoda. So here's what I'm hearing. To be honest, Aiden, I think a lot of it's in your head. Like, so I've seen relationships where that start off with sexual promiscuity that end up in that are happily married. Yeah.

And I've seen relationships that they wait until marriage that end up in divorce. Yeah, but yeah, no, you're not wrong. That's why like 70% of there's like, isn't the divorce rate like higher than it's ever been right now? I don't know. I don't. It's been a while. It's been high for a while. Yeah, it's about 50%, like sub 50.

crazy. And you know, people that aren't even divorced, they're probably some of them, not all of them, not going to assume, but most of them, they're unhappy and they want to get divorced, but they won't because of financial support because they have kids, et cetera. So like a lot of people are unhappy in their marriages that are still actively in their marriages, you know, so sure.

I mean, I think this is getting to, because I think a lot of this has to do with the way that you perceive these people. So I know this sounds kind of weird, but it sounds like your determination of whether someone is worthy or not worthy of marriage has to do with their behavior. That's what I'm hearing. 100%, definitely. So I know it sounds kind of weird, but whether someone is worthy or not,

may have to do with your attitude too.

I want her out. It's not not being being a bad person. Like, I'm not a bad person for that. I promise you, I'm not. No, I mean, I think, I think if like people are, if it's consensual and people are not interested in romantic attachments and like two people want to get together and have sex, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, right? As long as you're not disrespectful and it's consensual. I would say there's not, but like, actually, I agree with you on that. There's like nothing wrong with, you know what I mean? Like two people coming together and do what they want to do and part of it is 100%. But like, I'm a savior of sexual. You know what that is?

Attracted to intelligence No, I mean demisexual like I like I'm attracted to like Someone that like I have feelings for I can only now I'm at the point my life where I can only have sexual stuff with somebody I actually like Like I have feelings for I can't I can't do stuff with girls. I have no sure So so let's look but like what determines whether you have feelings for someone

If I like them and they like me and we call, but say, and I feel good energy and I feel really good around them and they feel really good about around me. Okay. So I'm going to toss something out there. Sure. Can I think for a second? Yeah, doctor, let me be real quick. Is that okay? Absolutely, man.

Go, go, go, go. This may take longer than two hours. He's like, he's like,

On a sky, you got to give him that. He's very authentic. Tries. You get a lot of genuineness. Very genuin.

Okay. You doing good? Yeah, I'm all right. How you doing? Good. I didn't walk through my hands. So whatever, man, it's your place. You live alone. Okay. How confident are you in the stuff that you're explaining to me that there's like two kinds of women in this world?

pretty confident. Okay. And help me understand where that confidence comes from. Uh, being with hoes and being with queens, there's two differences. Okay. So what's it? What is it? What does it feel like to be with one versus the other? Oh, you want to have sex with and then you want her to get out the queen you could have sex with. I call it making love.

Okay. Cause you guys both like each other. It's different. It's more, it's better. It feels better. You know what I'm saying? And then, and then after, after you're done with the, with the queen sex, you guys cuddle, you rub each other, you watch TV, you watch more TV. So, so I know it sounds kind of weird, Aidan, but what I'm hearing is that the difference isn't in the person, the differences in your reaction to the person. Yeah, definitely. Right. So, so I know it sounds kind of weird, but if, if the difference is in you,

And not necessarily. Okay, so check this out, right? Let me, let me give you an example. Let's say there's a girl named Tasha. Tasha. Sorry. Tasha fucks Larry and then she fucks Joseph and then she fucks Aidan back to back to back nights. That is a hope. Okay. What, what, what, what is that? What are you saying?

I'm trying to break it down. Like, that's, that's, that's like a hub. That's, that's, you know what I'm saying? So a queen, it's, it's, yeah, it's about my defining of the behavior, these women, but a queen is someone who, how do I say this? It's like in their own, like, they're, they're, they're, okay, hold on. Forget about everything you're explaining for a second. Okay. And listen to you.

So when I ask you, what's the difference? You say that the way that that you feel with them is different. Yes. Right? Like that's it because with both of them, you know, there's intercourse, but in one case, it's fucking. And in one case, it's making love. What's the difference, Aidan, between fucking and making love? Making love is better. You know what I'm saying? Fine. One is better. I don't know if I entirely agree with you there, but

You have a wife, you know what I mean? So you notice like, you do notice like though. Okay, the conversation for a different day. But what else is different? When you're in love with somebody and you make love to them, it's way better than fucking it. Sure, it's better. But what makes it better?

Because when you fuck the whole, you don't want, you don't want nothing to do with them anymore. You don't want any, you don't want to talk. Look, you want them out of your room. Okay. So let me explain. Let me just point out, but the difference is in you, it's not in the person. You're saying you don't want to. It's the connection or lack. Okay. So the difference between fucking and making love is your emotional connection to the person.

Yeah. Okay. So the first thing is like, that's not their behavior. Now we're going to get to behavior in a second. That's coming from you. Oh, yeah. Technically. Yes. Okay. So I don't know if I'm going to get banned for using this word, Oh, but so I'm not going to use that word. Also, I consider it disrespectful, but that's fine. I mean, you use the whatever language you want to. So let me ask you this. Is it possible?

to fall in love with someone with whom you have, you start off by having meaningless sex. Yes, it is. Okay. Right. So then, then like love is not determined by them. It's still something within you. Correct. But following the level, the whole is a no, no. Okay. Why?

bad. They got whole tendencies. They're going to end up fucking you over. They're going to divorcing you once they get, once the baby pops out and they're going to get some child support money. So no, no. How do you know what they're going to do? Doc, I'm just like, they have tendencies, brother. They, they, they, they, they, they fuck to get to the top. They fucked up for money. They thought they did. Where are you getting this?

Whose do? My generation. It's different, brother. You're 40. I'm 20. I'm split in half. I'm telling you, my generation is bad, bro. You should see what these women do. It's very fucked up. No, I'm asking. So please think about the question for a second. Where are you getting your information? My experience. Your personal experience.

Yes, and my peers, my other people, my space, my basically work buddies, I would say. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just genuinely trying to understand, right? Cause I know it sounds kind of weird, but like I know your regeneration really well. Are you doing my generation? 100% man. It's bad. So you can admit it's bad, right?

I think there are parts that are bad for sure.

like 18, 19 year olds. That's what I'm about that. Like, it's, it's, it's very bad. I'm a TikTok brain myself. So, and this may sound weird. Like, and we, I'm not right here. Okay. Your generation is full of human beings trying to make it in this world, just like every generation of before the world has changed. Yes. Right. I'm with you. But like, I still think it's like,

You know, this is the kind of thing where I wonder a little bit about like when you engage in a transactional relationship with someone from the get-go and you treat them transactionally, I think it's reasonable that you're going to get that in return.

Right. Right. And so like when you say like these people are going to behave like this, like I know it sounds kind of silly, but I'm really not trying to be a dick here. You understand that people's behavior is not solely based on them. It also is influenced by you. So a girl acting and behaving like a whole is influenced by me? 100%.

Right? So like, I'm a human being and you're a human being. Right. If I came to you and I said, Aidan, you're a fuck nut. You don't know what you're talking about. You're all fucked up in the head. I'm going to Harvard Medical School. I am doctor. I am psychiatrist. Aidan, you don't know what you are doing. You need to get married. I will find you wife. We'll go find you nice girl. She will be good.

She'll be good girl, not to these people you are dating on the Tinder and the Bumble and the Hinge and all of this. Like you need to settle down now, Bitter. This is not fair. Come on, bro. This is great. This is great. Right. So like, if I approached you like that, how would you respond? Laugh. Okay. Right. So the way I interact with you is going to determine how you interact with me.

That's correct. I actually get what you're saying. Thank you for that putting it like that. Right. So like my point here is that, I mean, I don't know what I mean talking about here or where this is going, but like I don't doubt that your experience is the way that it is, but my point is that like, you know, so I work with patients who are narcissists. Am I narcissist, by the way, you're speaking with me or no? I don't know. It's too early to tell you.

Definitely too early to tell. So like from a diagnostic perspective, the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder requires like a very long history of like understanding a lot more stuff. I think the other thing that's complicated is that content creators by definition become more narcissistic because that's the only way you can survive content creation.

Thank you for actually saying that. You're not wrong. I've changed. I think I am. I definitely give up narcissistic tendencies. You're you're actually 100% of the crowd you just said. When you're a concentrator, you've been in it for a long time. Like it's like you look at view count, your money, all these things. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm not going to label you a narcissist or not. And if there's narcissistic behavior here, I think it's like defensive in nature is my gut check for most content creators. Okay. So what do you diagnose me as? Is there anything you can diagnose? I will not diagnose you with shit, brah.

Really? Yeah. Well, like, literally, I wouldn't diagnose you with anything because that's, this is not medical care. And if you want to understand the process of diagnosis, sorry to disappoint. No, no, we're you're fucked up in some way. I just won't say it for like, no, okay. No, no, no. What the fuck? No. And so seriously, what it is is that the questions that determine a diagnosis are very different from what we're doing. Wait, doctor, can you, can you die? Can you prescribe me lean? What is lean? Four.

What? A four. What? I don't understand the question. Cough, sir, I'll promote the scene Cody. Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, no. But let's, can I go back to this thing about the way you like it? So, so like your behavior influences someone else's behavior, right? And their behavior influences your behavior. Mm hmm.

And so I think that like what I'm worried about is that, so you don't wanna end up alone. So like, I don't want you to end up alone. I want you to be happy. You seem like a good dude. You seem like a dude who's just doing your fucking best. And you do some things really well. And somewhere along the way, you've conceived of a worldview, which I don't think is the best. What do you mean?

I'll get to that in a second. Cause I'm trying to, I'm challenging your beliefs, right? Yeah. I, I, I, I, I, I, I grew up the part where you're doing the best. I just, I didn't know what you meant by the other part. Yeah. I'm getting to that. Okay. So like, like first thing to understand is that your relationships with women are not like, it's not like there's two camps of women. Yeah.

is the doctor. You can choose to judge people that way.

Yes, but that's me being ignorant then if you want to say that. But yes, I will. Yeah, you could choose to judge people that I'm telling you like scientifically it's just not it's not like there's two kinds of like so human beings are complex creatures. So like you're not you're not a dick or a hoe or anything like that. You're just a human being who has gone through life and your brain has wired, your psychology has wired so that you have a

constellation of stuff, like you're a complex guy, right? There are times where you feel like a ho because you had a lot of meaningless sex. And there are times where you feel in love. And there are times where the scariest thing of all, you fall in love with someone who you judge as being not a queen.

Yes. And then that's scary. And then what happens is you, your mind does the same shit it does with all these other emotions where it's like, would you let yourself fall in love with someone who's not a queen? Fuck no. Absolutely, right? So in comes the humor, in comes the suppression, in comes I never feel anything, in comes the like all that other shit, because somewhere along the way, so then you won't let yourself love.

And then from the outside. That's not true, though, doctor. Listen, because it's not it's not because doctor. Nobody wants to marry a hook. Well, not nobody. I'm speaking. You're right. I'm ignorantly speaking from my based on my perspective. I don't want. Let me finish. I'm just talking hypothetically here, OK? OK. So my point is, like, if we put ourselves in the shoes of the women that you interact with.

They can label you as one of two things, right? I don't even know what the fuck they are, but forget about it. They can judge you. Oh, this guy's an asshole or this guy's a prince, whatever, right? Yeah. And there are certainly people that are going to do that. My point is that you are a complex human being that has a lot of shit going on. And that your interactions with women

maybe easily judged as this guy texted me and now he's whatever he's a player like whatever he's an asshole whatever he's toxic whatever they can label you with that shit but my point is that there's a whole complicated like internal like stuff going on you're like a whole universe in there man yeah you're not wrong um i'll give you an example right doctor i want to ask you a question okay and you be honest and everyone can answer this the honest way possible

Would you rather? You're already married, so just pretend you're not married. Pretend you're an 18-year-old doctor, okay? Well, what were you doing when you were 18? Mostly playing video games. What game? Uh, maybe, uh, Starcraft. Okay. You're 18 years old playing Starcraft. Right? Yeah. There's a girl on Instagram at the time. Let's just say there's Instagram. There's a grown Instagram.

who's got hella followers, shows her ass off, all over Instagram, all this stuff, her tits, everything, right?

You invite her over. She comes over, Doc. Right away. You text her, hey, what are you doing tonight? Want to pull up? She's like, sure. Let's watch her movie tonight. The new, the new, uh, uh, uh, uh, Stranger Things came out the season. Let's watch it tonight. She pulls up. You put off her five minutes. She starts rubbing your dick. You start kissing. You fuck her. Okay? You wanted to leave her right away because, come on, look how easy that was. You want, you want a challenge. You don't, you don't want that. Listen to this. You go to Europe for vacation. You meet a girl.

You meet a girl over in Europe. She's maybe had one or two guys. She's fully clothed. It isn't really mad about the clothing part, but she just has an intellectual conversation to do about stuff. You guys don't want a couple of dates. You really are starting to like this girl. She's starting to like you as well. Does it matter? I'm sorry. What's one would you rather go with?

Go with for what? Like, what's wrong with your other Mary? I'm sorry. I don't think that the variables that you described would be very important for. I could please send that wrong. I'm sorry. Like I should have explained it and got it. I mean,

But you got to get what I'm saying. You got what I'm trying to say. So yeah, here's what I hear you say. You're trying to put me in a hypothetical example in which you paint someone who's like got this extreme, and then you paint someone who's got this extreme. And you're kind of pointing out to me, hey, fuck nuts.

It's not that complicated. There's two types of women in this world. Which one would you rather marry, bro? Yeah. And then, and then if I say I would rather marry this one, right, let's say I'd rather marry the European, then how would you feel? Like good shit, doctor, you're smart. And if I said the other one, doctor, no, brother, that's not the, that's the one you don't want to marry. Go back to other girls. She's not for you, bro. All right, doctor.

I got you. Let me, let me, let me, let me bring it on more. This Instagram girl, she has two baby daddies, two different guys, she has 500 bodies. And she, I told you, she's like half naked on Instagram. Okay, this other girl, the European girl, no social media, you know what I'm saying? She has two bodies.

And she just, you guys carried it off intellectually. Like you guys are like, it just feels so good. It feels like you guys are connected. Okay. Cool driving, Mary. So let's assume, let's say that I marry the European. I'd rather marry the European, right? But I think there's a big difference because you're presupposing that one of them has an emotional connection. The real question is if you, so like, because you're saying that the emotional connection, so what are you hearing me say, Aiden?

I'm happy to say what, like you can construct the scenario and whatever, like you get that you can construct the scenario in whatever way. If one of them has a year to live, has cancer, has HIV, has all this shit. And this, the other thing is what you, it's subtle, right? Because you're doing something really interesting. You're adding promiscuity to a set of other negative traits. Sorry, what's promiscuity? I'm sorry. Having sex with a lot of people.

Right? You're not saying the scenario you're giving me is rigged, right? Because it's not like you meet this person, she's only been, she's intellectual, she's beautiful, she's amazing, she's a saint, she's awesome, she's European, because apparently that has some extra appeal, and she slept with 500 dudes.

Right? So you're sort of creating this scenario where there's promiscuity on one side or having sex with a lot of dudes, but there's also a shitload of other things. And then if I keep on saying no, what are you gonna keep doing? You're gonna keep on adding other shit.

until you get a yes. If I was your boy, okay. I'm talking about the scenarios. You just got to get it. You're actually politically correct the way you're wording things. You're right. Technically, there's so many different breakdowns you give me and stuff. You're not wrong. What I'm trying to say is, bro, if I have a boy who is dating a hoe, if you have a boy who is with a hoe, the girl who is just wrong to him to all these things like, what do you mean by wrong to him?

Just, sorry, not wrong for me specifically, just wrong, like a girl that has her morals all fucked up, right? And nobody's corporate by the way, I'm just saying like, it's as my boy, if my boy was in that situation, but like yo bro, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, get another one. That is it. Okay, so let me ask you something. Do you think people who are very sexually active can end up in happy fulfilled marriages? Yes, there's these things called whole phases in my generation. Everyone goes through a whole phase. Okay.

I like to hold a space. I don't want to go through a whole phase anymore. Now, I'm allowed to go through a whole phase, but if a bitch goes through a whole phase, fuck no, send her out to the curb. I was a joke. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So women, everyone's allowed to go through a whole phase.

Okay, can I be honest with you? A girl's allowed to go through a whole phase and she's upfront honest about it. I think not a girl in general. I think everyone is. If you're upfront honest about your whole past and tell them like everything what you've done and you're very direct and you don't find anything out like that's hidden and stuff, I'm okay with that. I think when you're older people realize that like it's cool. Like, yeah. I mean, I think honesty and transparency and authenticity are important parts of a relationship.

I think so too. Right. So a lot of a lot of girls lie about their body counts. A lot of girls lie about their past and stuff. Am I a generation? Well, why do you think that is insecurity? What does that mean? Women? If a woman has a lot of bodies, she's known as home, my generation. And whose fault is that? The girl. I don't think so. Right. Because what the girl is trying to do is avoid your judgment.

Yeah, but you should be honest. You know, I'm honest. You should lie. You lie. You're going to know what we're talking. OK, Andrew, let me take a step back. Is this useful? Do you think this is a good conversation? No, why are we going to something that makes more sense? This is like a stupid topic. What makes this stupid? It just doesn't really. It's just like dumb. It's like you and I see different. You know what I mean? Like, it's like there's no point to really talk about it.

I agree with you that there is less point to talk about this. I'm just a little bit curious, what did you hear me say about like this whole like what determines whether someone is a whole or a queen?

Not gonna lie, doctor, I'm not gonna be ignorant, but I think my perspective and experience on life makes me like, I already have the shit in my head. It is ignorant, it is super judgmental and stuff, and I'm admitting that, but it's like, I already have, I already kind of know what I want in a woman, and I already kind of know what I, well, I told you, Doc, I might not even fucking get what I want, who knows? Yeah, so I'm hearing that you're not open-minded on this topic.

Yeah, I just think we should move on. It's pointless. It's not that it's pointless. It's just a lot more topics we could have that are way more interesting. What's pointless about this? Because you and I see different. Yeah, I think we see different. And I think

you're correct with a lot you're saying in the way you're speaking, but I have a different perspective, I think than you do. I think my perspective, I've already experienced that I've experienced, so I'm automatically gonna think the way I think. Does that make sense? I already have like... Yeah, so we don't have to talk about it more, but I just wanna share one last thing with you. So I think that's what makes it worth talking about, is that you have an automatic perspective.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, for sure. And so I think one of the really interesting things is like as we go through life, it is very normal for us to form conclusions about how life works, how people work, right? And then the interesting thing is that if we stop and re-examine our life, we can come to different conclusions. Yeah, I agree.

We don't have to continue. The reason I brought some of this stuff up in the first place, I don't know where this came from, but I think the one thing that I'm trying to signal to you is a couple of things. One is that

It seems like having sex and making love has more to do with what's in the inside of you than it does. I agree. Okay. So that's the first thing. The second thing is that, and I'll tell you why I'm even talking about this now, because I mean, I have a reason why I think this is important is that I'm concerned, Aidan, that, so I want to help you not be alone at the age of 30, let alone 40, whatever. Okay.

And the thing is, just based on, once again, my experience, and the whole point of having conversations is that we're gonna have different experiences of life, we're gonna come to different conclusions, right? Totally cool. And then the neat thing is that, maybe I'm trying to tell you to get on a chair and you're just saying, fuck you. Sorry, what were you saying, like, don't climb on the table and you're like, no, I went, someone tells me to climb on the table, I gotta climb on the table. So I'm wondering if that's going on here.

But my point is that I think first of all, you're the way that you relate to women has more to do with, I feel like I'm getting a disconnection. So sometimes when you talk about it, it seems like your interactions with women are determined by them. Like this person is this way because of their behavior. This person is this way because of their behavior. I don't judge, I don't judge anybody based on their past. I come from a fucked up past. I had a hope based on myself.

I'm not necessarily saying that you, my point is that it's determined out there, like women, there are two types of women, right? There's hoes and queens, 100%, yes. In my generation, whatever, whatever. In my point, is that like you, something within you determines whether you're fucking or making love.

It's not just them, right? Yeah. And the reason that's important to me is because you want to end up with someone that you want to make love with. That's correct. Right. And so then the question becomes, if you want to end up with someone that you want to make love with, and you can have feelings for trying to think of a word that's not hope, but I just can't think of anything.

Right, so you, and my point is that there could be a group of people like, like, like there could be someone out there that you fall in love with that could be a successful relationship. And I say this as someone who's worked with just to give you an example. We don't have to get more into this. I don't need to, I just want you to understand one thing and you don't have to understand if you disagree is that you have a contribution. There's something in here that determines the way that you relate to people.

women. That's all I want you to take away from this. And if we can agree on that, we can move on. Um, wait, so said it said last part of you something in here determines your relationship with a woman. That's it. That's all I'm asking. It's actually right here in my brain. Yes, not my heart, my brain. Nothing in here changes your relationship to women. Oh, my penis. No, no, your heart. I mean, sure, your penis, your brain, your

I can't tell if you're joking or you really don't think that. Bro, doctor, I get what you're saying. You're correct. Like everything you're saying, I get it. I told you, I'm ignorant based off perspectives in my life. I'm ignorant. You're probably right. There's probably girls out there that I've had a whole past that are queens now. Great. But my perspective, my generation, there's some fucked up girls who fucked up things. And I, and I try to not put myself in that position. So sure, sure.

So, so I think that like my point is that the way you all I'm getting, what do you hear in me? What do you hear in me conclude? That it's my heart. That basically is the reason why the refrigerator woman that you what the first

if I'm coming up to Queen's nose. No, no, no, no. Actually, not exactly. So here's what I'm saying. All I want you to just really think about is that in a relationship with another human being, that relationship is not determined by who they are. It is determined. They bring a piece of it to the table and you bring a piece of it to the table.

Okay. Yes. Okay. And now we're going to get to like the stuff that we were talking about earlier, which is like the lack of sensitivity that you have. So you feel numb in some way. Correct. Okay. So it feels weird to go back here. So we can go back to the other topic. But so, so I'm just so derailed. Give me a sec. Why? Why are you derailed?

There's a whole different energy and dynamic to this conversation we just had about relationships to the conversation we were having before. I agree. The energy definitely shifted off. I agree. Right. So it just takes me a second to like move away from that. I was also the language that you used changed the way that I felt in the conversation. Well, yeah, I used Paul and I used Queen. Yes. Yeah. So it's just that affects me.

Yeah, why does it affect you? Why does it affect me or how does it affect me? Well, why and how does it affect you? Why did that? Why is the first thing is that I feel uncomfortable and defensive being in a conversation where that language is being used.

That's just our generation of how we speak. Like, it's like, you said it when you first joined. I'm a boomer, right? I don't need to, I don't need a reason. I'm just sharing with you why it's hard for me to make the shift. Okay, I'm just, I don't, I'm just trying to lead that out there. That's like, you know, you use that language and whatever, you can call it generational if you want to. Um, I think it is. Uh huh.

I said, I believe it's generational. Those people that, yeah. You know, and so that's just, that's just why it's hard for me to shift back into like where we were before. Yeah. It takes me a second. Yeah. Hell yeah. So, you know, cause like you hear,

You're schooling me about dating in your generation. And that's a different feel from like, let's talk about sadness, loneliness. I think that they're both actually really productive conversations. I really appreciate you for having both of them with me. Like, I feel honored to be a part of both of those conversations. Also scared to be a part of the last one, but like, I can hold two feelings at the same time, right? Don't be scared, man. It's just like, I want people got to realize like,

There's really modern day pimping going on in the world. Like, for example, these guys are now signing only fans, girls. You know what I'm saying? And it's like modern day pimping in a way. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, what's wrong with me being scared? I guess you're right. Scared as good as a feeling. Yeah, right? I can be scared. Yeah, I'm just saying my generation. I appreciate you looking out for me. So what I heard when you said that was that you're like, you're looking out for me. And I like, I felt the love there. That was, that was nice of you. Thank you. I got you.

doctor. Yeah. No, you're you're gonna ask. I want how I want to hear your last. I was gonna ask you to remind me of what we were talking about and what feels relevant to you. Oh, I forgot what we were talking about before. I think the desensitized thing. Yeah. So when we were talking about relationships, how did you feel? It was honestly just interesting.

So interesting is, I know it sounds kind of weird, is not really a very good word for a feeling. I'm not trying to be judgmental there, right? It's very basic. I agree. Right. So like, what do you think you were feeling in that conversation? Um, I liked having that conversation because like, it's like, I enjoyed it because it's,

It felt good. Well, not good, but it's just like, I knew. Well, yeah, I mean, it's just like, I know the difference between, well, my perspective on life, how I feel about certain women. Now, that might change when I'm older, doctor. That might change when I'm 25 or 30. You know what I'm saying? As of right now, I just know the difference between what I, you know what I'm saying? So, can I share with you? Go ahead, sorry. No, I just know the difference in my generation when between a whole and a queen.

So here's what I felt from you emotionally. I felt confidence. I felt certainty. I felt you being on sure footing. Okay. What do you think about that? What's the last word you use? Sure footing like you're on solid ground. Yeah. I'm standing on it for sure. Is that how you felt? Yeah.

Right? So, like, I think that there's something very attractive about all of that because it makes you feel good. Oh, thank you. Call me attractive. I mean, I'm an attractive for you. Okay. Right. So, like, do you see how, like, emotionally there's no numbness when you're talking about that?

I do. The numbness isn't in really conversations. I like having conversations. I feel from conversations. Like the numbness comes from, I guess, daily life outside of conversations. The desensitization comes from that.

Okay. So I've detected numbness in you in our conversations, but when we're talking about other things. So for example, when you say it is what it is, I think that's you actually like numbing yourself out a little bit, right? Because like, what are you going to do about it? Right? Like there's no point in having the feeling. Correct. And then the feeling goes away. That's right.

Right, so I think there's numbness and like what I'm kind of noticing is that that conversation about relationships was like really lively, right? It's like super energetic. I'm feeling uncomfortable. You're feeling on solid footing. And so there was like a little bit of reverse uno here where here I am talking about sadness and loneliness and I'm like, fucking I can swim in that shit all day. And it was kind of like a, it was like a reverse of our positions. Suddenly you're schoolin' me.

I'm not trying to school you, I just want to inform you. I'm going to say this, and I mean this in like the kindest, don't take it the wrong way, please. And I'm going to say, just listen about it, say it. And I got to say it in, all right. When I'm, okay. When I was 20, or not even me, I'm not even using these as an example. I don't know who's 20 years old in here. I don't want something, right?

20 years old in my generation is smarter than a 20 year old than your guys' generation. Okay. And I'll explain why. They're more, how do I say it, enhanced in a way. Like, we got this. My uncle doesn't know how to use a fucking phone, you know what I'm saying? So it's like, I don't want to say this in my way. It's going to sound so dumb. I really don't want to, like, actually, I've got to really understand what I'm saying. I'm sometimes really bad at explaining things, but like,

a 20 year old in my generation, I feel like in a way is more experienced than a 20 year old in your generation. So I think that like, dude, does that make sense? So here's what I'm hearing. So this conversation has the same energy to me as the last conversation that we had, which is sure footing confidence. You really have a clear view of the world and everything makes sense. Yes.

So I see a lot of excitement from you, but I don't think that this is having this conversation. Like you can school me all. I don't mind being schooled by you, by the way. I'm not trying to school you. I'm not trying to school you at all. I'm not trying to. I'm going to stop using that word because that's whatever. My point is that this conversation is going to be the same as before.

where I can ask you about your opinion. It's going to go back and forth. It doesn't even matter because we're not going to agree. The other thing, it's not about not even not agreeing, whatever. Sure. But I think the other thing is that in these conversations, we're not talking about you anymore. You're talking about society. You're talking about generations. There's no room in there for your experiences and your personal feelings or mine. Does that make sense? Because we're commenting about that shit over there. I know you're saying it doesn't make sense, but

At the same time, it's like, that's why I kept saying it's my perspective on the other topic. I kept saying, like, I might sound ignorant, it might be ignorant. I'm just saying how I feel based on my experiences, you know? Sure. Sure. So what would you like to talk about? Well, I was doing great this year, lifting weights.

and losing weight and stuff. And then I went through something traumatic and then I started sipping lean. You started what? Sipping lean, sipping coding in a promethas, promethas and coding in. Yeah. And what, what makes that? What, what feels important about that to you to talk about today?

Um, it's bad. What's bad about it? It's just like, it's a fix that I did when I was going through something traumatic and I was doing super good in the gym. And it kind of like ruined a lot of things around me. And, uh, it's just like a super, super bad or reliant fix. You know what I mean? It's just drugs. It's like liquid hair. That's what they call it. So bad. Have you considered seeing a professional about something like that?

I don't need, so I haven't done it in a couple months, I stopped. I wasn't highly, highly addicted, but I was on it for a while. Is it okay if I ask you a little bit about seeing professionals, like professional mental health people? Yeah, asking whatever you want. So I'm hearing that you, it's not a problem anymore, so you don't need to see a professional. Yeah, yeah, I don't think about it. I don't crave it at all. I don't, you know what I mean? Then why talk about it?

I'm just giving you an update what I did this year. I was in the gym. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So just just kind of like like this is what you went through. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was on this path of kind of like in this, I guess people call it the controversial era where people that really don't know me that aren't a part of my community that just don't know me. They would see these articles and things and just assume I was an asshole. I would say things like there are two genders in this world. I made a tweet saying there are two genders.

Okay. Like I went to like this controversial era and that was labeled controversial. So when I made a tweet saying there was two genders, my talent agency dropped me from it and they said, you look what he tweeted this morning. He said something super controversial. And what was, what do you understand? Oh, tell me about that. What's going on with that? So, I mean, I slowed down. I stepped out for making like tweets like that and stuff, but

When I tweeted that out, it hurt a lot of people. I didn't do it to hurt people. I did it because a week before that, Twitter was on my ass about something old. My motive was like, cool, you guys want to target me for this? I'm going to make a tweet, Twitter, and show you guys that, because they were trying to cancel me for something, cancel on Twitter. So I was like, OK, watch. I'm going to make a controversy tweet, try to cancel me now. And it was my craziest tweet.

600,000 likes of like millions and millions of views. And what, what, what were you kind of, is that kind of the same sort of like thing where it's like, if someone tells you don't do something, you're like, fuck you, I'm gonna do it. Not really. I did it because I did it sweet because I knew it stir. I knew people would like talk about it and it would be controversial in my generation, even though it's not.

But I made a tweet because I wanted to show cancel culture. Fuck you cancel culture. Watch. And I did that tweet and now people still, I think it's like, yeah. Like people like it didn't matter. Like I didn't get canceled. What makes you want to do that? I wanted to show people fuck cancel culture. It doesn't matter. I'm a tweet out. There's two genders. They're going to try to cancel me. I didn't get canceled.

I understand that you wanted to show people something. What was driving you to prove your point? The tweet when I tweeted it, I knew it was going to stir. So like, cancer culture is trying to be on my ass. Oh, what drove me to make the tweet was so like a week before cancer culture is on my ass trying to cancel me on Twitter. And I was like, fuck you, cancer culture, I'm not going to go for that. So I'm going to tweet out there's two genders. And they're even more mad.

Okay, so I'll, this is great. Maybe we've hit our limit for the day, but maybe not. So let me point something out to you. So I'm asking you, you engaged in a behavior, right? You tweeted something out. Yeah. And I'm asking you, why did you do that? And then the answer that you give me is something else outside of you, right? They were trying to cancel you. Yeah. Okay. So what I'm curious about,

is stuff in the outside world happens. And then stuff in the outside world enters you. And then something else happens. And then you feel like doing something else, right? Like there's a, there's a stimulus from the outside world. And then there's a response from you to the outside world with me. Yes, I'm with you.

What goes on in the middle? What happens within you when they try to cancel you? That's what I'm asking. I'm curious about how does one action that is done to you result in a response from you? Why did you do that instead of apologizing or any other of the thousand things that you could have done?

I think maybe just the table thing we talked about, like I like doing the opposite. Most people would fold and apologize. I didn't care. I got banned from Twitch. That's soft.

one side of platform, you know what I'm saying? So I was like, fuck, fuck Twitch, fuck up the fuck this, and that led to more shit, more stuff, you know what I'm saying? So, in my opinion, I just think, why would I call it us? We're saying there's two genders, there are two genders. So it's like, I did it. Yeah, yeah. So like when you say, why would you do that? Do you, do you, I feel emotional energy when you make that statement?

But why though, I'm saying like, you said like, why did you- You're not the logic. No, I'm just trying to ask you like, why did you, why, why though, when you ask like, why didn't you just apologize or do another route? It's because they're like, well, what would I be apologizing for? Sure, I'm not suggesting that you should apologize. What I'm kind of pointing out is that, so this is where I think the emotional numbness comes in. So generally speaking, when someone says something to me, it affects me in some way. And then my drive to act,

and the way in which I act is shaped by my internal environment, right? So someone says, fuck you, all oak, you're an asshole. And then I can feel one of two different things. I can feel ashamed. And then if I feel ashamed, I will apologize. Or I can feel angry. I can feel affronted. I can feel territorial. And then if I feel angry, affronted, and territorial, I will turn around and I will say screw you.

Does that make sense? It does make sense. The behavior and the weird thing is that the mind actually, the logic follows the emotion, not the other way around. I just think, yeah, yeah, yeah. I actually agree with that. Right. So if we're talking about emotional numbness, I mean, I'm just picking this as a random. I don't care what happened on Twitter. Honestly, I don't.

Yeah. You know, but I think that like what I'm kind of pointing out to you is that earlier you talked about being addicted to the high of grinding. And we're talking a little bit about how you have some of these feelings and you're not quite sure what to do with them. And you sort of like, you do a good job actually, right? So you learn how to crack jokes. You learn how to like accept it is what it is. You can't necessarily change it. There's no kind of no point in worrying, but the worry is still there at the back of your mind.

And what I'm pointing out to you is that a lot of your behaviors, even jumping up on the table, I'm not sure how much in control of that you are. What do you mean? So like if someone says, Aidan, don't jump on the table. I don't know that you can control whether you jump on the table or not.

No, I definitely control a doctor. I think that's like why like my whole life is like where I am today. I think not listening to what everyone's doing. Have you ever seen the picture of it's like, but can you listen to what to what other people tell you to do? Of course, but like I have to I have to experience it myself. Like that's how I so then I'm hearing that you can't until you experience it. Yeah, I mean, I can listen, but I mean, I'm still going to probably want to do myself. Yeah.

right so so when you want to do something most people are like that though like for example like when you grow up when i grew up as a kid sorry when i grew up i'm gonna start i'm gonna stop over generalizing when i grew up as a kid i was curious right like i when i was in high school i would sneak out and i would go to a party like that's just me being curious even though my dad was like yo don't do that like you don't have to you know i'm saying like i just think

It's about when you're when you're when I'm curious. You want to ask you something. Do you control the curiosity or does the curiosity control you? It's a good question. I think curiosity controls me. What do you think about that?

It's not good, Doc, but I mean, a lot of people have that, you know, a lot of it's like it's 50 50. I think I think it's curiosity controls you or you can show up curiosity. So everyone's different. I think I don't know what I don't know why I think it's perspective, how you grew up. But yeah, so so if I can share something. Yeah, go ahead.

So I want to try to catch a couple of things that you say. So other people who like that are generalizations. I'm going to actually move in the opposite direction. I don't care about how other people, I don't give a shit. Okay. What I'm interested in in this conversation is you and what your experiences. So whether other people are whatever, happy, unhappy, good, bad, whatever. Fuck. Right. We're just talking about you and I. Yeah.

And I think that some of what this emotional numbness, I think that this is connected because generally speaking, we can't control something unless we're aware of it. Yes. Right? So all you have to do is go to the dentist and if you can't feel your mouth, right? So numbness and lack of awareness leads to a lack of control. Right. And so what I'm kind of noticing is that you engage in behaviors that

feel righteous, right? Like in your mind, they're logical and stuff. I'm not saying they're not logical. It's not my place to be the arbiter of logic and determine what is right or wrong. What it has to do with relationships with their queens and hoes, like whatever, I'm not the arbiter of truth. What I'm hearing from you though, is that there is a internal dimension that doesn't get a whole lot of play in the way that you interact with the world.

Right. These people did this. So I'm going to do this. This person said, don't do this. So I'm going to tell them, I'm going to do the exact opposite. Sounds like some people that relationships that you feel emotionally connected to, you can actually listen to them. If your dad tells you, Hey, Aidan, don't do this. Mom says, don't do this. You can like set that aside. Yeah. I can't. I still kind of, I'm, I get curious. You know what I mean? Like it's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, so I mean, I think curiosity is beautiful. But my point is that like,

I don't, the thing that I'm worried the most about is that I don't know if you're in control of your life. I think you have a lot of power and I think you've managed to probably control all of these external dimensions. So it sounds like you've got financial security. It sounds like you have freedom. It sounds like you have a lot of stuff out there, but I still get the sense that you were a puppet to yourself.

100% I agree with you on that. I'm a puppet to my to my career. Literally. I'm a puppet to my chat. So what about I? What do you want? Is that okay? How do you feel about? Oh, I don't like it at all. I hate it. But it is what it is, Doc. What did you just do there? I did it. I did it, Doc. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. What'd you do? I I tried.

void. I tried like avoiding the feeling of it by putting a pot like a little is it is what it is on the on the. So what what did you push away? I pushed away the truth. When what is the truth? I'm a puppet. How does that feel? It sucks. Sucks in what way? It hurts, Doc. So let me toss some stuff out. Okay. All right. What I'm hearing there is powerlessness.

Cheryl. And when I hear you at the age of 40, you don't know if you're going to be alone or not. Powerlessness there too. Oh, no. I mean, you're not going to know what you're doing like 45 doctor to be fit to be honest. Nobody. Nobody knows what word you know I'm saying.

Logically, no one can predict the fucking future. I agree with you, Aidan. What I'm saying, the emotional energy is powerlessness, right? Because you're like, fuck 99% of people treat me as Aidan Ross. There's 1%. And let me ask you something. What's more common, Aidan? Queens or hoes? Hoes. And what does that mean for your future? I'm fucked. What is the emotion that goes with I'm fucked?

It is what it is. Right? It's powerlessness. Yeah. And so here's the crazy thing. Okay. Now I'm going to kind of like, I'm going to try to say this. Okay. And reject it if you want to reject it. So it's my belief that you're like all of these things that you're scared of. You got to stop running away from them. Yeah.

Right? So like, if you admit to yourself, I am powerless, then you can do something about it. Right? You got to meet yourself where you're at. Gotcha. Right? Like you got to say like when people, you know, the people who get divorced are the ones who don't think that their marriage has a problem. The people who say this marriage is on its last legs. We got to either bust it or try to save it. You have to admit, you have to accept the truth of what you feel.

even though if it's the hard truth, you still got to accept it. Absolutely, right? And I see you doing that. I don't see you running away from it in a way. Yeah, I can accept it. Like if it's in my face and I feel it, I'm not scared to accept the truth. I'm really not. Yeah, so I hear you kind of saying it is what it is, but then you're still moving away from it. You're not actually moving towards it. And that's where like as you start to feel that powerlessness,

I think you're gonna find, right, and now I'm fucking making a mistake here, but I think you're gonna find, as you get in touch with your feelings, that a lot of this stuff is active when you, because like, when you're talking to a girl.

I think there's a lot going on inside you. And the thing is, if you kind of think about it, you've got one really good trump card. I could be wrong, right? So you can tell me, hey, this is the generation, you're wrong, Dr. K, you don't know what it's like. So you can tell me I'm wrong. I'm going to admit that. All I want you to do is think and pay attention to yourself. Because once you start labeling people,

as this or this, you suddenly become really protected, right? Because the second you label someone a ho, if you fall in love with her, that love ain't ever gonna hurt you. It allows you to push her away. It allows you to like set yourself apart. It allows you to avoid connections and vulnerability. Yes, you're right. And so like the thing is, and so the crazy thing is that if your mind

has an ulterior motive to protect you from your emotions. It'll like screw something else up. That's good though, it's just a defense. You're right, it's a defense. But the question is, who's in control? Are you clear headed or are these things working behind the scenes? I mean, to the way to put it, I guess, I just think that like,

Well, I mean, that is really good way to put it. Because I don't know if I'm fully in control or not. You're right. Right. And so all I want for you to do is like, I want you to have whatever you want. Thank you, doctor. I appreciate that. Really? Like, you know, and I think like, dude, you've accomplished so much at the age of 22. And so like, this is where like, you're kind of saying you don't have any passion for what's left because I think you're right. You beat the game. You figured out how to succeed materialistically. Yes. Now what?

Now you're where, you know who Gautam Buddha is? Nope. You know who Buddhism is? That's the guys with the bellies, right? Yeah. It's the guys with the bellies. So I'm going to tell you a story, okay? Okay. So there's once a prince in India and his name was Gautam Buddha, his name was Gautam.

Okay. And Gotham had it all. So when he was actually about your age, he was the prince of a powerful kingdom. He was loved. He was respected. He had a queen, like a real queen who had given him a healthy son. And so everything in life we had heard, everything in life that he had heard was like, okay, if you're unhappy, the problem is that your Dayton hoe is not queens.

The problem is if you're unhappy, it means you don't have enough power. If you're unhappy, you need more money. You need more financial security. You need a Lambo. You can't be driving no fucking Toyota. You need a Lambo. All of these things will make you happy.

And then that worked for everybody else, right? Cause if I'm trying to drive in a Toyota and I don't have a Lambo, I have something to reach towards. I have something that gives me a sense of progress, right? There's some way of keeping score. And that feels really good psychologically to feel like you're making progress. But then he had everything. And one day he woke up and he was unhappy. And then he's fucked because what does he do now?

Right? Like, how do I find happiness? If I have the Lambo, I have a queen, I have a child, I'm a prince of a powerful kingdom. I'm like, what everyone else craves in the world is what I already have and I'm still unhappy.

And so he did something really weird. He gave it all up. And he's like, I got to figure this shit out. And so then he went to these spiritual teachers and gurus and all this kind of stuff, like looking for answers. And then what they basically, what he kind of discovered was that there's a lot of like internal work done. And if you tell me that you've beaten the game, I think you've beaten your external game, beating the external game, beating the external game, the material is like, yeah, but they're still emotional and they're still like a

there's still that kind of thing I have to master as well. I think that's the game that like, and this is what happens is that there's also this really interesting kind of saying, which is that you can't meditate on an empty stomach. And that if you really look at it, there's other stories I can tell you, but conquering them. So I tried to become a monk when I was 21. Oh, nice. And I went to my teachers and I said, I'm ready to give up my life and become a monk and I want to devote myself to spirituality in this internal game. Okay. What happened?

My teacher said, what do you mean? Give up. You've got fucking nothing. You have nothing to give up. You're a fucking failure at life.

Yo. You have nothing worth giving up. So they said, get your ass back to, and this goes back to Harvard, okay? So now we're going to come full circle. So when I was 18 years old, I decided I was going to be pre-med and I wanted to go to Harvard Medical School just like all the Indian kids. And I was going to be the smartest fucking doctor and I was going to have the biggest fucking swinging dick and I was going to be a Chad and all that kind of stuff. And I ended up failing a bunch of classes because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Then I go to India.

And my teachers tell me, you have nothing worth giving up. Get your ass back to America, finish your studies, and do the best that you can. Finish a doctoral degree. And then at the age of 30, if you want to give all that shit up and you want to take your vows, we'll take you. And so on that day, Aiden, I was like you.

And I said, these fuckers, these fuckers don't think I can do it. I'm a show them. So I went back, I didn't give a shit about Harvard. I just wanted to be able to give up the biggest thing. And I put myself fully into my studies, like went to med school. I didn't even show up at my award ceremony because it never dawned on my mind that I would get an award for being at the top of one of the classes. I love that, man. That's amazing. And like,

They were also smart because they realized, like, being a monkey ain't for me, because they're good at that kind of shit. And I think that where you are right now is, like, you've got to start this journey. And, like, it's the journey to be happy. And no amount, I hate to break it to you, but finding this magical human being out there, it'll bring you happiness of the time, but then you're going to beat that game, too.

You're still going to wake up on happy. Wow. You're right. Damn. So that, I mean, the happiness comes from sort of the happiness does come from being alone. Well, no, not being alone, but I would say happiness comes within like you're like, you could be, you could be alone and be happy. Like you could be, like you don't have to be with somebody or a land happiness or anything like that. You could, you could do it yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that's what you're going to discover. And I think even if you look at your own life, you're going to discover that there are two kinds of happiness that you've experienced.

One is gonna be like this dopaminergic happiness, and one is like a quiet or a kind of thing. Right. And this numbness that you've got is like getting in the way of feeling that. Damn. All right, I gotta find spirits on this. I was spiritual at one point. I was very spiritual. I lost it. I gotta get it back. I need to light and you find it. Yeah, I think you're gonna be fine. The one thing I would recommend for you is just catch yourself anytime you say it is what it is.

and whatever you feel, just like let yourself feel it. It doesn't have to have any implication. It doesn't need to be logiced out. Just close your eyes and just let it be there without pushing it away, without doing anything with it. Just fucking sit with it. Okay, I'm gonna do that doctor. I mean, like anytime it is what it is, I'm just gonna be like, no, it's not it is what it is. Face it. Sure. Yeah. That's a step in the right direction.

But even then, there's a cultivation of emotion there, right? Because you're like, I'm going to conquer it. I can see you're moving around quite a bit. You're doing it like we're done. I made a HD. You want to leave me already? I thought that I was getting, I'm getting physical signals from you that you've probably hit some kind of limit. I just have ADHD doctor. Let me stand up a little bit. No. I mean, I think it's OK to be done. What do you think?

Yeah, so how do you feel when I'm you're leaving me already doctor I completely agree that you are using humor as a defense mechanism related

No, I mean, I mean, like, it doesn't matter. Believe it or not. It's like, whatever, I'll move on up and I'm staying. Okay. But I mean, like, it's like, I meant that as a joke. Sorry. My bad. Maybe I'm overinterpreting. Yeah. So right there. Yeah. I like to, in terms of stepping away. So, Aidan, I find that like two hours is like, I feel like we're in a good pausing point and opening up a new chapter would be a commitment to like another hour or two. Okay. I'm done with this again.

What can you help me understand what your experience of this conversation was? A lot. I think you're actually starting to change my perspective on how I feel. The most important thing I gain out of this whole thing is it is what it is. It's unacceptable. Stop accepting and stop saying it is what it is. And I think it's time to really just let it do its thing. It's okay. Yeah. Yeah. And what I got from this conversation, first of all, Aidan, I think you're just

You're a remarkable human being who's been dealt a really good and really shitty hand at the same time. It's rare to see. Nice. So if we're playing, you know, if we're playing some poker, I got a nice, maybe like a two pair, like a, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think, I think your life defies poker analogies. Like I can't, if I was thinking about poker specifically, you know, it's like one of these hands that like is really strong and really weak at the same time. Like there's a lot of stuff that, a lot of shit you've been through, man.

Yeah, a lot of hurt. And also like a lot of exceptionalism. Yeah, a lot of growth. Yeah. And and I think that I've also learned about what it's like to be a part of your generation. I'm your, you know, you're teaching me about what gender dynamics and stuff are like for for some people. Like like doctor, there's my generation is so cooked, bro. You can now like kids in school. They're learning about like getting pushed like weird agendas and shit. It's like fucked up. It's

Yeah, I know, it's, yeah, you know what I'm talking about. It's like bullshit. I just hate like, my generation is just ass. I think that you're, I don't feel that way, but I think it's totally fine for you to feel that way. I think your generation is getting crushed, honestly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. So I think they're just trying to do the best they can with the hand that they were dealt. And I was addicted to video games and like video games weren't even that addictive when I was growing up. It's way worse now.

So nah, nah, doctor, the best games were called duty black ops to book in August. Now let's ask. All right. So, so another place where we agree to disagree, but call of duty black ops, man. That's the best game of all time black ops to. All right, but I think being game chat and call somebody you should check out a game called if you played BG three. No, just gate three. Okay.

It's okay for people to like different kinds of food and different kinds of games. I don't know that we need to argue about it, but maybe one day, if we really want to throw down, we can... What's your favorite food? I love Indian food, by the way. Montepineer is so good with naan. Garlic naan is amazing. Yeah, it's good stuff. I never have leftovers. I put my fridge that stinks up the whole house for like three days, but I love it. It'll do that. Stink up the armpits, too. Yeah, but I love Indian food, by the way. What's your favorite food, though?

What do you mean by favorite, the food that I enjoy eating the most? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what favorite is, right? We particularly like to eat.

So back when I was a monk, I detested this particular kind of food that not, I mean, I wasn't a monk, but back in my training days. I started to fall in love with like a rice and lentil dish dish called kichidi. And it's the kind of thing that like it's weird. It's like the real super bland. But by the end of eating that stuff every single day, I absolutely loved it. It's some of the most enjoyable food that I've eaten. But I'm a big fan of like Tex-Mex

So I've got a couple of favorites. So I really like like tacos. I really like Bonnie Buries and other Indian food. It's one of my favorite Indian foods. Have you ever had what I'm talking about? I don't know what the first word is, but I'm pretty sure I've had it. It's like

It's like this dish. M-A-T-A. M-A-T-T-A-R. Yeah. So it's peas and paneer. Yeah, it's a vegetarian. Yeah, yeah. Matar, Matar, paneer. OK, yeah. Yeah, sure. I've had. It's so good. Yeah, where are you from, Aiden? Florida. OK. OK. Where are you from, doctor? Texas. What part of Texas? I mean, Houston, basically. H town. Yeah.

Houston School. I think Austin's really fun. Have you ever been to Austin? I have. I went to school there. You really? Yeah. Sweet. I was actually going to go to college there, doctor. That's like where they want to go to college. UT, don't want me to go to the UT. Yeah, I think you've all been great there. Well, the community college first and then UT, I would transfer. Sure. All right. God, I didn't do it, right? Oh, you want to leave now? Yes. All right. Is that okay? That's okay. I give you permission.

Yeah, I appreciate it. I don't, I'm not trying to pull out, but I also like the point where we're talking about what's my favorite food and stuff. I'm totally down to like hang out sometime. I'll take you out for Indian food. Like that's totally cool. I'm not trying to, um, I don't want to reject you. And at the same time, I'm married with two kids in its own day. I do have constraints on my time. Yeah. I'm pretty understand. Um, all right, doctor, I'll let you get to your family and your normal life.

Thank you so much. I'd like to do this again. You know, you have me sign a form. I usually hate girls with NDAs. You hit me with like a consensual form and stuff. What's going on there? Real last question. Yeah, so it's totally fine. I think we were doing some back and forth, but then y'all ended up being OK with it. So the main thing is that we just want people to really understand that this is not therapy, right? So there's something called informed consent. And that's really the most important part of the form. And then there's also some legal stuff. So like, for example,

This may get uploaded to YouTube. What's your channel, by the way? What's your channel? Healthy Gamer, okay. So this may get uploaded to YouTube. And so just that you consent for that to happen and stuff like that. So, and then we also have a policy where if you want something taken down, you just message us and we'll take it down. And then generally speaking people, we've interviewed a couple hundred people and, you know, most of them are pretty happy. Really? Yeah. Wait, are you allowed to talk about your other clients?

I don't. I'm saying like allowed to know. I'm saying like, who have you interviewed that? I would know my space. Have you interviewed anybody in my space before? I don't know what what your space is. What do you mean by your streamer? Like a streamer? Yes, we've interviewed many streamers train wrecks. I've had several conversations with train wrecks. Train is fantastic. He's amazing. I love train. Such a good guy. Yeah. Oh, is that me or him chat?

Was that him? Aiden? Bra? I can't hear you, bro. I'm hearing robot voice. Hold on a second. Let me see if I can go to... Oh, there we go. We're back.

Okay, doctor, go to sleep with your family. This is this is the universe's way of telling us that this is a good stopping point. Good luck to you, Aidan. You too. We can do this again. We'll do it again. Yeah, sure. Let's let our our people talk. Okay. All right. All right. Thank you so much, man.

It's time to enter a world of stories and adventure in High Rollers, a Dungeons & Dragons podcast set in the vibrant world of Alfea, the Dragon Empire. I'm Kim, one of five friends being led through a journey of magic, mystery and mayhem by Dungeon Master Mark Hume's. Prepare yourself the epic encounters and unbelievable stories where heroes uncover sinister plots, explore a diverse world and crack a few bad jokes along the way.

If you love the feeling of a fun home game but with the quality of a studio show, then why not give high rollers a try? Episodes go live in two parts twice a week in one hour chunks so it's easy to keep up. So, what are you waiting for? Join our campaign, become a high roller and we'll see you in Althea, the Dragon Empire.