Does the same thing keep happening?

Right, so in this episode I'm going to be quite open and quite, I hate to use the word but quite vulnerable. It's only because it's overly used, right?

There's a subject that I want to talk about that I hear a lot in readings, and it's almost like we're all going through the same thing. But no one's saying it. And I think generally that's the overarching feeling of my podcasts anyway, right? So I don't know if you can hear, but I'm actually flinging my bed socks off onto the floor. Hang on, that one went the other way. I'll let go of it. I'm a bit hot. Right, so...

What I want to talk about is insecurities. We all seem to have them, but we don't quite know how to vocalise them and how to deal with them. I mean, the ironic thing is, is when I work with people on the telly,

I am absolutely dumbfounded by how insecure the actors are that I work with. But their insecurity lies in imposter syndrome.

And I'm thinking, isn't that interesting how you've kind of chosen a career where you're like, thrown yourself into something where you're gonna have to perform in front of so many people, yet you seem to have imposter syndrome, like those two things just don't add up, right? But it's there. And then I hear other things and I'm like, what? I have someone who is in the army and they are, they're very nervous.

And I think, what the fuck? Like, that's a career that is like, well, it completely destroys your nervous system, no? So isn't it interesting how we spend our lives kind of gravitating towards our fears? I actually think when I really look into fears, they are the most tangible and interesting things.

because they kind of drive us, but they energise us and it's draining, but it kind of isn't.

It's such a profoundly weird concoction of different thought processes all mixed into one. So here is where I'm going to get really quite open and raw. I have one fear. I can't think of any other fears. I've kind of faced them, to be honest. I used to be incredibly shy. And so I went backpacking on my own and I thought, well, fucking hell, if I can't speak to people abroad in different languages,

You know, it's going to go tits up in it. So I thought I'm just going to throw myself in the deep end. And a therapist told me once, that's called exposure therapy, where you just throw yourself in. And I think we all do it in a really weird way. But anyway, my fear is...

Yeah, people get too close. I don't like it. Yeah, and I'll tell you why I don't like it. The ironic thing is, is I would love someone to be close. Yeah, I'll probably get upset telling you about this, but I thought, well, fuck it, I might as well be open.

I keep everyone at arm's length and it's because time and time and time again there's been a pattern of people in my life and they've done the same fucking thing over and over and over again and it doesn't matter how much I look into the belief system within my own vortex and framework I'm thinking maybe I'm attracting it quite the opposite so I don't understand and that thing that people keep doing and doing and doing and doing is they

attach and they can't let go and it's control and it's using me for their own gain now we could go right back now when I was a kid I had a best friend and we always used to hang out and he was very sexual very inappropriate now unfortunately when that's your only friend really you kind of don't think it's a normal you think you're just being kids

But when I got older and I started telling people their faces would drop and they'd look shocked and I'm thinking, well, well, didn't you do that? And they'd be like, no, and I'm like, oh, okay, now I feel like a fucking freak, you know? So I thought maybe it's from that. But then when I got older, my bedroom faced, I don't know what it was about the street that I grew up on. Everyone was fucking weird. There's, um,

There was a house opposite and the man in there was obviously mentally unstable and used to stand in the window naked. Now as a young teenage girl that is not what I wanted to see so I was surrounded by this inappropriate you know sexual behavior. Now I don't think

It's just me, because when I talk to you guys, you've had the same expense, just no one talks about it. You know, like people being, you know, overly attracted to you and pushy. You know, and you want to bring it up, don't you, in like relationships and friendships, but then you don't want to be treated like a fucking doll.

you know like some china doll that people don't come near you know because it might be triggering you don't want that either so it's this tip to win and this is what i want to talk about regardless of whether you've had this experience particular experience in your past or whether it's the imposter syndrome or

whether you're anxious, whatever it is, there's this dance isn't there that you do between trying to get over it and trying to not let it affect you, but also being incredibly cautious, right? And then, as I got older, there always seems to be, now an old friend told me this, she said, whenever I speak to you, there's always someone who you can't get rid of. And I said, I know. So I had a talk of 10 years,

And he couldn't let go. He was like, I think he's in his 70s or 80s now. And he was in his 70s when, you know, he was stalking me. So we're not talking about a young person. We're talking about someone who should know better. Anyway, got that attachment. And I remember when I first met him, I was doing gigs because I was, you know, you know, performing. And he said, I just, I just needed you to look into my eyes. And then I knew I got you. And I thought, well, that was fucking creepy.

And obviously it compounded and amplified this feeling that I've got something about me or in my energy that people really want to attach to. And then I look at jobs that I've had and I've been very open on here about like I had a female boss who was like

I can't wait to get to know that Katie a bit more. There's something more about her. And I'm thinking again, just fuck off. Like, let me do my job. And anyway, she made my life a living hell. She had a fiance, like she was straight, or fuck knows what was going on, but she invited me around to stay overnight. I was thinking no thanks, like inappropriate. And she was always trying to seclude me.

And it's a clue to isolate the same thing because it's like she always tried to isolate me. And then because I wouldn't play into it and because I didn't, I got very uncomfortable with the staring. And even her fiance said to me like, she is always on your Instagram. And I was like, I know.

Like, whenever I posted a story, pump should watch it. Now, I get people watching my stories, the same people all the time. But fuck me, when you're sitting there pressing refresh, refresh, refresh. You know, it's like, that's when you know the energy's a little bit like, ah, you need to just chill. So, whatever had possessed her.

had taken over because I don't think she was an on logical person she wouldn't have got that far in her career as she was but for some reason the chemistry I walked in and she became possessed and again it compounded this feeling of is there something about me that makes people act this way?

You know, you have experience, have to experience, have to experience of people who get latched on, who stalk, who cannot let go. And, um...

So I, one of my fears is to actually, you know, get some roots down and people know where I live and everything. So I rent and it drives me to be in this very flighty mode, right? Because that's not even, that's not even the tip of the iceberg. So I've been in this place now for about a year and a half.

When I moved in, right, get this for weird, get a cup of tea because this is long, when I moved in, the guy who helped me moved in, he was moving boxes in, and then he started flirting with me. Now, you think, oh, what was he doing? Now, this isn't my arena. I don't really speak man language, so I don't really understand. And I'm definitely not huggy, so I don't understand where I've given the signal that this is okay.

But he started touching me and wanting to go for a drink and wanting to stay over that night and I'm thinking, what? I don't even know you. But I think he saw an opportunity that I was moving in on my own. That's the only logical thing I could think of. But again, I was thinking, you were all right when you picked me up and we've done three visits.

and you've started to lose sight again and you've started to get very rampant in this appetite that you seem to have, right? But I always seem to feel like the food, like this is where I don't like it.

And then, so I've been here a year and a half. That happened. Then I had a bit of a leak, so a contractor had to come out. And he asked me out on a date. He texted me. He went home, sent over the quote. I was like, yeah, what else? And then he texted me, going to fancy drinks some time, and I'll take you out on a date. And I thought, what? Like, I'm hardly good looking, so I don't understand where this is coming from. And I thought, oh, I don't like this living on my own. I feel like a target, you know?

And so then a delivery guy did it and then recently, I think I told you in my last podcast, there's a builder and he gave me some chocolate and I thought that was really, really sweet. So I said, Oh, thank you. Like I thought it was such a lovely little gesture.

But now he's left more chocolate and he is knocking on my door three times a day to the point where I don't want to go outside. Like I'm confined in my little flat because I don't want to open the door and go out because he's just going to talk to me and I'm thinking I don't know what's going on now. It started off as a very nice gesture.

And I came in yesterday in the building and he said, I'm doing overtime. And he knocked on my door and he was knocking and shouting saying, do you want to come to the pub? And I'm thinking, I'm fucking working, like who the fuck are you? So anyway, looked outside and there was chocolate by my door mat, right?

So I'm thinking what on earth is going on? I wouldn't mind if I look like a fucking model. I'm five foot three and a half. I'm a fucking stump. And then as for my face, I've rearranged it myself to be honest. I've had a few tweaks, but nothing that would warrant this kind of

appetite people get you know and I have to be really strict with Instagram because I get people messaging me they go crazy they go like um they get attached they can't let go they've got to keep keep attached now the internet's fine you can keep it at arms length right

Let me tell you another fucking story. I went for a walk. This was recently a couple of weeks ago, actually. Was it a couple of weeks? Maybe a month, I don't know. I don't really watch the time, but it wasn't long. It was like the end of summer. And I was walking and this guy was over the road and I saw him and he looked at me and smiled, so I smiled back. Now where I'm from?

We're friendly, we're Midlands, right? And then he crossed the road and I thought, oh God, here we go. And he said, are you going for a walk? He says, yeah, he says, can I join you? So you can do what you like. There's a free country. I said, well, I'm going to go my route.

And I look back now and I think, did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Like, I'm not going to live a life where it's head down and not talking to anyone or seeing anyone. That's a horrible existence. But there seems to be these people who you give them an inch and they take a mile, right?

So we're going for this walk. Two hours he joined me, and he kept saying, do you want to go down there? And I thought, I ain't going down there. I said, now I'm sticking to my original route. Like, if you want to follow me or walk with me, that's fine. Like, whatever. And then he said, right, it's in your, like, we got to the bottom of my road. And he said, where do you live? And I said, we're in there, because there's this block of flats, right? So which number? I ain't telling you. I don't know if you forget shit.

And I thought, God, I don't like channeling this. Tough side, I don't like it. And he said, it's up to you now. And I said, what's up to me? And he says, well, what happens now? I said, well, I'm going home. I'm having a cup of tea and I'm probably having a nap. He said, well, can I join you? I said, no, you fucking can't. And he says, well, can I take you out? I went, nope, nope.

I says, no, we're good. And then I thought, oh, and this is just getting awkward now. Like, I don't understand. So anyway, I got in a lot the door and I thought, oh, I just, what is going on? So I feel like, like, um, a recluse, you know?

And it's interesting because time and time again, I cannot think of the last time and it pains me to say this, that there has been more than a month where I haven't had to reside into a more tougher side of myself and it's becoming exhausting because actually, I don't think many of you, I don't, one or two people have met me in person.

And I'll put on a very good front, yeah. And I'm feisty, like I can, you know, when I was travelling in Thailand, I had to really stick up for myself at some point. Yeah, I went all out with a fight with a... I don't start fighting still, but I was in a taxi, and the guy tried to rob me, so I took my flip-flop off, because the only thing I had on, I just went for it, and I wouldn't like to be here when he got home and had to explain to his wife, I was covered in flip-flop marks, you know? But, so I can hold my own, but I don't want to.

And it makes me laugh because it's like I see these guys on their social media and they're all going, oh women should be in their feminine. We can't. We literally cannot. Like do you know how dangerous a place and it's getting worse for women?

You can't even say hello. People think it's a come on. They get it in their head, you know? But I cannot tell you, hand in my heart, the last time it's been longer than a month where I've not had to dodge, come up with excuses. So when I see bullshit on the internet, they're going, what's a woman? This, a traumatic experience from start to fucking finish. It's not even about having tits these days, it's about the experience.

So next time someone says, oh, what is a woman? Trauma, constant fucking trauma. You know, your body's changing every five minutes, but it's the experiences that you have, the nuances, the fact that you look at another woman on the side of the street and you're communicating energetically, are you okay? Are you safe? Do you know this man?

And this isn't bitching about men at all, because I have highlighted the fact that my female boss was equally as fucking nuts, you know. My point in this is that we all have stories that we don't talk about, and they eat away at us.

You know, so whether you're hearing this and you're a man, you will have stories. I'm sure you have stories about women who have just almost cannibalised you, taken everything money, reputation. I hear this. I hear this a lot. And I think ultimately, you know, I'm writing a novel at the moment about the trauma of undisciplined people and what they cause. And that's what it comes down to is very undisciplined people.

they create this chaos. So whether you're a man or whether you're a woman, an undisciplined person is going to come into your life and turn it upside down. And I think with the lack of practice that people have these days, so people don't look after themselves. It's a complete nanny state. I mean, look at them chomping on food that isn't even fucking food.

It's got plastic wrappers round it and ingredients that I've never heard of. And people are eating this shit throughout the day, no discipline, you see. Crave it. Oh, I feel a bit down if that's a bit chocolate. Oh, I feel a bit down, I need a sugar. I used to work in an office all the time, I used to hear people say, oh, my sugar level's dropping. It's meant to.

You're not diabetic. We're not yet anyway, sweetheart. But it's like fucking hell. It's like people are always reacting to their feelings, right? And what does that create? Very undisciplined people. So on one hand, it's an absolutely amazing opportunity for anyone who is disciplined because you're just going to get miles ahead of anybody else because the competition is so small.

but it's gonna cause a societal mess, right? And this is where, as a child, you've got an undisciplined other child who is just, I don't know what was wrong with him, but he was born with this unsatiable sexual appetite.

I mean, what the fuck? You know, it was weird. It was really inappropriate stuff, right? Of course, then you start thinking, God, is that one bit gay? But it's like, at the end of the day, you can't keep asking questions. You've just got to live your life, right?

and it's like um you know and then the the pervert over the fucking road it just stood there naked like what what you know and then as you get older it's just this this attachment style now it's really interesting because the law of attraction almost gaslights people into thinking that you

you get what you deserve, or like attracts like, or, you know, they say things like, you kind of, you know, we must be feeling it to attract it. It's like, pish, it's not my fucking fault. So there are elements.

of manifestation, obviously there's laws, you know, you know, that are almost karmic in that way. But I don't want anyone to feel or think that they have caused or they are attracting. Do you know, one of my biggest pains in my experience, how many women I have gone to to talk about this shit and every single one of them turned around and said, well, you must be doing something.

Oh yeah, yeah, as a child, I was willingly being groped by another child. Yeah, it must have been my fault, yeah, yeah. And it's just constant. And it's very, very hard to be in a position where you're trying to seek salvation, you're trying to seek some kind of perspective from another person who could possibly add dialect of what the fuck is going on.

All the help that you get is just a load of ignorance because typically people don't admit, oh, I don't know enough about this subject. Sorry, I can't help you or let me help you investigate. Typically people don't do that. They just immediately go, oh, they feel inadequate in that moment because they're so ignorant. So they have to spew it out like it's your fault and just projection of the highest order, right? So if you are experiencing the same fucking pattern,

And you're feeling like a nervous wreck, mate. We're in this together. If only me and you could just go down the pub, right? And just put the world to us. I don't go outside at the moment. I've got the builder just want to leave me alone. And, you know, it's just, it's just weird because it isn't like attracts like, because I think because of the experiences that I had as a kid, if anything,

I do not want anyone coming near me. Like, I cannot stress how much I do not want to talk to anyone when I get out my flat. Like, I love, like, hi, how are you, yeah? And get to the point. Small talk, not interested. Get to the fucking point. My time is my money, right? Or money is time, or whatever. And I just want to get on with shit. I love being friendly, don't get me wrong, and I'll hear you out, but just get to the point, yeah?

And yeah, in my energy, it's very detached. It's almost bordering on ice cold sometimes, because some just not interested. I don't want to go. And I got invited to a few local things. I was like, no, absolutely not. Yeah, I'm like, I think I'm the most unsociable I've ever been.

So underneath you see, underneath all that crocs of the issue is I don't want people getting to know me and I don't want people getting near me because they get too attached and then I'm dealing with fucking shit I didn't want to be dealing with. You know, so it's definitely not like a tracks like because I couldn't be further from what I am attracting, you know, it's bizarre.

And it's interesting because when I speak to you guys, you know, on a reading or client capacity of some sort, you all seem to trap the same things. You have a pattern as well. What we like? What are we like? What is going on? What is going on? But, you know, the reason I'm talking about this is because I don't want it to eat away at you. And I don't want you to harbor the blame.

Honestly, I think I spent years of my life just pondering about what am I doing, like, to attract this shit. You know, like I can feel them hook in.

You know, and I do test people. I'm sure you do as much or we all do when we have these kind of nuances, but it's like, I'm, I'm, you know, like, I remember I went out with someone and I says, Oh, I'm going to be busy for the next week. So I texted in about a week. And it was just to see if they could actually still function without me texting them in the week. And I can see it when people can feel me pulling back. Sometimes they get crazier and crazier and that.

That right there is not what I want, so that's going to be a deciding factor for me. It's funny because that's actually quite common because in readings I get a lot of people say things like

You know, I just need a break and I told my boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever. I just needed a break and they've texted me 10 times already. I think it's an anxiety thing I think, right? So I think a lot of people do have attachments and I think we're seeing more of them now because ultimately we're so, we've been rendered so powerless in our own motivations in our own.

um ability to you know take our life in our own hands with like i said we've become a nanny state so everything is from an external source yeah food like one nutrition uh mental entertainment look at tv you just press a button and you can get entertained for hours we no longer have to seek entertainment get a book read we don't have to do any efforts you know so we are seeing this i think attachment more than ever

But never ever think it's your fault. Never. I have one client and it's interesting because we spoke today and this is one of the reasons why I'm talking about this is because all through her life, every single relationships she's had, it has been abandoned, around being abandoned.

Both parents left her. Again, I've asked for her permission. She said fine. I won't ever give names. Both parents left her as a child. And she had to stay with the relative. Then the relative didn't want her. And then, I mean, I'm laughing because it's just, it's sinister. It's all full. You know, I have one of these nervous laughs. And it's like, um,

Well, weirdly, we were laughing about it today because we were comparing our stories a bit. And then it's like, whenever she gets close to someone, they leave her. And I'm not, isn't that interesting, you know? So it just, it does go to show that whatever happens to you as a child, unless you heal it,

you never really move on from it. But the weird thing is to heal it, you've got to recognise it. I didn't really recognise that that behaviour was actually quite bad until I really started talking about it and that was like maybe five years ago.

You know, I remember I had a flatmate and I walked in and there was some kind of documentary on Netflix about, you know, that pervy fucking gymnastic coach who just groped all the girls. As I walked in, she said, oh, this is triggering for you. I thought, what?

And I thought, what? No, it's not what you're about. But because she had seen it as triggering. And then I was like starting to think, Oh my gosh, maybe it has like had an effect on me that I don't, I don't understand. And that's another thing you see, you start telling people and they start diagnosing you. It's like, God, are you a medical person? No, well then stop.

You know, so your patterns are really interesting and I have looked into this like energetically spiritually and I've even prayed on it and just like are our patterns and what we experience constantly here to teach us something?

Because I spoke to a therapist, you know, just casually. And I said, I was talking to her about being stalked and I said, I just didn't like it. It just felt very felt like my power was gone, you know. And I said, I'm going to find it incredibly hard to be in a serious relationship. And I think that's why I avoid them like the play is because when they get attached, which actually they absolutely should and can, that's probably going to freak me out a bit.

Yeah, so I think I need someone who's very gentle, yeah, and not someone who takes over because that would really scare me. And she said, you know, she sees patterns in her clients. And I said, Oh, what do you mean? She said, when someone has been, you know, I'm going to say something that he's actually quite triggering for most people, unfortunately, but she said, when people have been sexually assaulted, it very rarely just happens once. And I said, Oh, my gosh.

Really? She said, yeah, I either meet people who had never been sexually assaulted, or I meet people who continuously are. There's no in-between. And I said, there's another pattern. Like, what is going on? I said, do you think it's a signal that you give off then?

I says because if, actually, if we circle back to what I'm complaining about, I do give off a signal of I'm not interested. So of course, a very ego-driven, you know, male or female would see that as a challenge. So I can probably see why I do give off this vulnerability. I'm not going to say like a track is like, that's not fair. But it's a vulnerability, isn't it?

And, you know, for those who have been sexual assault and it keeps happening, don't ever blame yourself. I mean, fucking hell. You know, and I'm so sorry that you have to keep reliving the same fucking shit.

You know, and I think what's confusing for you as well, and it's been something that I've been confused on just because I'm just that. I get the emotional attachment. That's my assault, you know, and if you get the sexual assault or the physical assault or the mental assault, you know, what is quite devastating about it is that you don't know what's normal, like

is smiling at a strange man such terrible thing you know is you know walking home on your own in the afternoon in broad daylight someone who suggests that they're up for it like what the fuck you know

I think you end up just going down this rabbit hole of picking apart every motion of your fucking life trying to see what you did wrong and I think that's a waste of time. Because ultimately no one has the right to change the course of your life.

So if I wanted to walk down the street with my bra and knickers on, with a fucking rubber ring round me, you know, and sunglasses on in the middle of winter, I should be able to do that. Because why not, you know? So it's like, I know it's a bit extreme image, but my point is, you know, there's no rules. You shouldn't have these rules because someone else has an appetite that they have to try and control.

you know, so making everything grey and not colourful or like, you know, making everything so militant so that they don't step out of line. I think just section the fuckers, you know, because I'm sick of hearing about it and I'm sick of seeing it, not hearing about it from a empathic perspective, but hearing about it as in I'm sick of how common it is, you know, it's not fair.

But don't ever, if you have the same fucking pattern that keeps fucking showing up, sorry for swearing, but it's a thing, I'm gonna keep doing it. But it's like, it just pops out, I don't never know, I'll just get passionate.

You know, don't think it's your fault. Like I said, the amount of people that would say to me, oh well, you know, you'd think you'd learn. I'd learn what? That I can't move into a flat using a professional moving in service, huh?

You know, like honestly, the ridiculousness, and I thought, my God, I'm glad I'm not coming to you with anything too serious. I think you would have squashed my heart, you know? Yeah, I remember, you know, because, because I do bat for the other side, I mean, let's not be shy about it, but the,

That brings attention, terrible attention actually, because the female boss that I was talking to you about, she found out, wow, she became like a fucking limpet. You could tell that my attention for her, or hang on, I think I've said that wrong, you could tell that my attention for her, that's it, I just needed to add a comma,

was important. So she became ferocious in getting texts from me and wanting my attention all the time. This is the attachment piece that I get scared about. It's like, what the fuck do you want? You're like a child around my ankles. And then they will flip it so quick. They'll say, oh, well, Kate is the gay one.

But it's not me. I'm not into girls. Believe me, the text you're sending me, if I put them on the staff chalkboard or whatever, or pinboard, people will be shocked. I get that a lot. That's why I'm cautious as well. I'm just like, oh, I can't be asked if there's some fucking straight girl or boy or whatever.

in a situation that she's really obviously not stimulated by and then she thinks that I'm gonna fill the void and fuck off, you know? So that's another pattern. But I can understand that pattern. I'm like, yeah, okay. It's madness, but I get that pattern. But it's the pattern around the energy I don't get.

Yeah. You're the guy who walked with me. I was like, okay. He got onto the bottom of a road and he was like, what happens? So I was like, oh my God, what are you on about? He kept hugging me and I kept saying to him, can you please not hug me? Like, I'm not a big hugger. And I find it quite shocking. Like, I couldn't tell you, like, I don't have anyone in my life who's close to me, right? Because of this arm's length business I've got going on.

I think i haven't had a cuddle for like a year year and a half like a proper one you know like obviously when you see people you know oh hi but not like a proper cuddle right by year and a half so when some giant man comes along and just scoops me up i can't get out i always come locked in i don't like it it's very um presumptuous isn't it

And he just kept saying things like, oh, your energy. Oh, I love your energy. I used to think, God, I fucking hate my energy. Like, ah, how do I turn the show? You do? So, um, I think let's reflect on the past and think what the actual fun, what is that about? What is going on?

I know models, because I have a few clients who are models, but I've heard this through with the people as well. Not that we gossip, but what I'm saying is just that conversation is how badly that

people like models or actresses, they get treated by their boyfriends. Yeah, and it's the same pattern. The boyfriends get a bit jealous and they'll comment, you know, but you know, there's one of my clients, she

She had a really interesting lip colour on for one of her shoots. And the shoot was incredible. Like she looked beautiful and it was for a really big, brand thing. I'm not really into the famous stuff, so I don't really know what's going on. But you could tell she had achieved something. You know, I was like, wow. And her boyfriend straight away went, that's fucking funny lip colour. You know, like putting her down. Wouldn't let her celebrate her achievement.

And so her pattern is obviously attracting people who, you know, make her into some kind of fucking trophy, you know, but she never really finds that true love or that person who isn't feeling threatened by her achievements. So that's sad, isn't it? You know, so we all have these patterns. And I think the most important thing is to never lose sight of yourself. It's not your fault. Stay in frame.

You know, don't be punishing yourself. I see a lot of that on our cause where people punish themselves, you know. And I think it's not helped really by how we judge people. We see loners as freaks. I mean, I'm a loner, actually. If you wrote everything down on paper, I look like a loner, but according to the films, I should be a serial killer by now.

So it's very easy to see yourself in something that is negative and it's just that, oh, thanks. Life isn't hard enough, but thanks for that. Thanks for demonizing my ways. I did a test once and a workplace, I hate these tests, so I don't know how serious it is, but it took a while. And I didn't know there was such a thing, but my test results came back as a double introvert

I was like, what's the devil into it? Like, I get an introvert, but a double one, like mute. Like, I don't understand. But it was apparently I am incredibly shy, which people don't really know. It's easy to be confident on a podcast, because no one's the same for me, right?

And people say i can do a video now my fuck doing one of those podcast where i'm sat there with a mic in front of me. Yeah, and a few of you said that you don't want that so they go. Yeah not happening and then the double introvert is like i just i'm very quiet i can go days without talking not single word.

But anyway, it's when you see the double introvert and then you look online and it's like, oh, they're a loner and they killed all these people who you think sounds like me. But mine is the murders, yeah. But anyway, you know, just don't let your past hurt. You don't let your past creep up and kick you in the face. Don't let people

Gas like the shit out of you. Well you shouldn't know him better. Oh fuck off. You know? We should be doing something. Oh, just don't say anything. Unless it's gonna be nice. Say fuck all. That would be better. Or just nod. Just nod, that would be cool. You know?

Oh well, with your trauma. Oh, here we go. You know, so, you know, it's nice to talk to people about it, isn't it? But just expect sometimes people just, I think, did you actually just hear yourself say that? Did you hear it for the first time, like the same as me? Yeah? Like, honestly, it's just this shit where people are like, Oh, I'm such a supportive person. And they come up with shit like that. It's like now.

I see it a lot. I see it a lot with the media. There was an incident, a sexually an incident with men and there were the newspapers. It was exactly the same time this happened. It was quite interesting in the sense of the men were like heroes for coming out. And then there was a young lady from England who went abroad and she was sexually assaulted by a gang.

and the headlines were very different. They were like, she led them on, she shouldn't have been hanging around with them and I'm thinking, what the fuck, same story, just different genders. And I thought that poor girl, that poor girl has just been shamed in front of the whole fucking world.

You know? And she did nothing wrong in the same way as the males, the men didn't, but they were hailed heroes and brave. What the fuck? So it's very easy to see shit like this and feel bad within yourself. Look, babe, between me and you.

You only have you to truly rely on. It's an absolute bonus. Don't get me wrong to have someone else who believes in you and who's consistent and shows up. I've got no one in my life, no one. Because you can't make people be your friend and you can't make people ring you and you can't make people care. I spend Christmases and birthdays on my own, right?

and sometimes you only have yourself and you can't let yourself down and you can't not like yourself don't punish yourself because other people haven't showed up or other people are not being kind to you you've got to believe in yourself you know and sometimes these things happen to bring us closer to ourselves not the ghastly stuff

but the stuff is in, you know, you perhaps being a bit more picky with who you hang around with. I don't deal with flaky people because I'm like, that's just kicking myself in the tent, isn't it? Without being so vulgar, but it's like, why would I want flaky people? I need real people. I haven't got the privilege of being able to have flaky people in my life because I don't have the substance, the substantial ones. I need to find the substantial ones.

You know, I find people who are flaky. They have the privilege of having a lot of people in their lives. Yeah, I got zero. So with you, don't be ashamed. Don't feel embarrassed. Don't see a representation of what you embody and your behaviours on the TV or on film and think, Oh, great. Thanks for that. Make me feel worse storyline and it's bollocks.

They're not going to put their themselves as the enemy, are they? You know, they're going to, they're going to villainize something they don't understand. And for a lot of people being alone, they can't comprehend it because they're so fucking needy. They're probably chasing my ass, you know? So I want you to get to a point where you look in the mirror and are proud and you love the way that you feel and look and

You know, honour yourself. Alright? So on that note, come here for a giant cuddle. Come on. Love your loads. I do love your loads. And if you ever feel alone, just know that I do love you. Alright? I know that sounds strange. You think I've never met you. I'm on the podcast or whatever. But I'm going to put my energy out there for you to grab it. Yeah. Love you.