Cheers Bitches - Extra Dirty with Hallie Batchelder
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December 05, 2024
TLDR: Hallie Batchelder debuts on her new podcast 'Extra Dirty', discussing childhood, cosmetic work, real estate, and personal relationships, with surprise guests including a recent hookup.

Podcast Title: Cheers Bitches - Extra Dirty
Host: Hallie Batchelder
Episode Number: 1
In this inaugural episode of Extra Dirty, Hallie Batchelder brings her signature humor and unfiltered conversations to listeners, promising a wild mix of stories and outrageous anecdotes. From childhood experiences to adult escapades, the podcast dives into Hallie's life with a refreshing honesty.
Key Themes and Highlights
1. Early Influences and Identity
- Hallie reflects on her childhood as a "chubby kid" and how it shaped her sense of humor and personality.
- The struggles of fitting in during her school years are shared, especially attending an all-girls Catholic school which contributed to her development of self-worth based on appearance.
- She humorously recounts memorable experiences from her youth, emphasizing how humor became her coping mechanism.
2. Wild Adventures in Dating
- The episode features many candid discussions about Hallie's dating life, including her encounters with narcissistic men in the entertainment industry.
- One particular story about a Canadian man serves as a standout narrative, highlighting Hallie’s ability to turn even awkward situations into hilarious commentary.
- She emphasizes the importance of physical connection in young relationships while sharing her humorously disastrous attempts at long-distance connections and dating.
3. Real Estate License and Body Image
- Listeners learn about Hallie's motivation for obtaining her real estate license, tied to her desire for cosmetic enhancement.
- Hallie offers insight into her experience with cosmetic surgery candidly discussing her decisions about body image.
4. The Importance of Friendship
- Hallie introduces her best friend Grace, discussing their shared moments and the adventures that have solidified their friendship.
- They reminisce about their wild nights and how through chaos and laughter, their bond has strengthened.
Fun and Engaging Details
- Hallie is unabashedly herself, encouraging listeners to share in her openness and humor. She suggests to listeners to keep their AirPods in and avoid listening in inappropriate settings like church or family gatherings.
- The episode is laced with colorful language and explicit tales, setting the tone for what to expect in future episodes—raw, unfiltered, and real.
Takeaways
- Authenticity is Key: Hallie reminds listeners of the importance of being genuine and true to oneself. Her honesty about her past and current life situation resonates deeply with the audience.
- Embrace Laughter: Despite difficult experiences, Hallie's ability to find humor in her life's chaos serves as a reminder to embrace laughter as a coping mechanism.
- Connection Matters: The discussions on relationships highlight both the comedic and serious aspects of connection, encouraging listeners to value their interactions, whether fleeting or meaningful.
Final Thoughts
This first episode of Extra Dirty is a rollicking introduction to Hallie's world filled with laughter, shocking stories, and genuine friendship. It sets the stage for what listeners can expect in future episodes – a blend of humor, sincerity, and occasionally, chaos. As Hallie promises, this podcast will indeed get Extra Dirty. So grab a drink, tune in, and prepare for a weekly ride through Hallie's wild life and her honest musings on love, friendship, and everything in between!
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Daddy gang, what's up, fuckers? It is your father. I am here to feed you. You guys are always asking for more content. And so I present to you another podcast, episode one of Extra Dirty. You guys just listened to Hallie Batchelder on Caller Daddy, and now she's officially launching her own podcast.
I am so excited for you guys to go on this journey with Hallie. I am obsessed with her. She has the craziest stories. She lives in New York City. And I just know it is about to be a wild ride. So enjoy, sit back, relax, and maybe have a cocktail for this one. Listen to the first episode of Extra Dirty. Enjoy.
Hi, my little fucking freaks. Okay guys, I'm putting something really fucking stupid right now. We have an emergency debrief situation. Hi, this is Hallie from the streets of New York. Guys, I had every intention of staying last night.
Welcome to my podcast. Welcome to extra dirty. I'm so fucking excited to be here with you guys. I know it's taken a minute. I know it's taken a long minute because perfection takes time. I was gonna come out with something that's like fucking shitty and like I would have to redo and like just kind of ask like whatever.
I wanted this to be perfect for you guys. Like, I was just being a woman of the people at this point, okay? This podcast is gonna be so graphic, so horrendous, so dirty, so slutty. You're gonna look at me so differently. Please keep your AirPods on when you're listening to this podcast, I will say. Do not listen to it at church. Do not listen to it at a classroom. Do not listen to it in front of your parents unless your dad is single. Please!
For the love of God, strap in. We're gonna have a fucking fun time. I'm so happy to be here. It's gonna be epic. I, like, might get canceled, okay? But if I do get canceled, guys, I want to be canceled for, like, a really hot, controversial, like, athlete, or maybe some, like, hedge fund guy that's gone arrested. I don't know, like, something interesting, but, like, not too deep. We'll get into that later. But anyways, welcome to Extra Dirty. This podcast will not only be Extra Dirty,
but probably most of the time I'll be still like living on the fumes of my night before as I have consumed like a hundred extra dirty martinis. Like they'll still be in my system as I sit here and talk to you guys. If you guys don't know me, you know, I kind of just like fell into social media. I started posting on TikTok like a year, a year and a half ago. And honestly, I was just making that platform more of like my private story. Honestly, I was like, no one's like being honest on this fucking platform. Like no one's like telling the truth or like,
showing any flaw at all, everything's just like a perfect little like clean girl aesthetic image of what their life is. And that is just not what life's about. Life is fucking rough. Anyways, all that shit was very short formatted content. And I was like, I feel like I could yap for hours about like what's going on in my mind. So here we are. Another fake blonde with a
I apologize, but like here we are. Like I'm not that mad. I feel like on TikTok, I'm so like ambiguous. Like what's going on with my like love life? I'm very good about like, you know, dropping a little hints there in here. Like I definitely sleep around and I make that known, but I'm never like name dropping. I'm not like a fucking weird freak. So the thing is like with what I do and like me just talking and doing like debriefs online, like I have a lot of men being like, I want to stay as far away from this bitch as humanly possible.
because at fear, I might talk about them online. I will. But like, I'm only going to talk about you if you give me something like to talk about usually like these men, they like piss me off and they think they can do whatever. Hi, sorry, I'm here to talk about it. Why not? So what is going on in my love life right now? My most recent conquest. I call them conquests because what else are they? I made the mistake of hooking up with this man.
He was an entertainment industry, which by the way, stays humanly far. Wait, am I in that? Wait, I'm concerned. This is the entertainment industry, right?
I don't know, fuck. He was in the entertainment industry in red flag number one. I feel like those men are just super narcissistic. Their egos are bigger than my fake tits. It's just a lot of narcissism. Let's call him Old Spice. I'm gonna give a codam for the man. Let me wet my whistle before I tell this fucking story. ASMR.
Also, guys, look at my coaster. It says cock. All right, let's talk about it. OK, so I met this guy. We got introduced in the middle of the summer, whatever. And he was fucking hot. Like he was sexy. And honestly, I don't regret a fucking thing because of how sexy he was. And I am the type of girl that I see a hot guy and say we connect. I will sleep with that man that night.
And I don't feel bad about that. I feel like that's pretty normal, but just no one says that. Like that's okay. And I don't see why that's frowned upon. I feel like that's good work ethic. Like you see your prey go get it. Like go get it. So anyways, we met, he wouldn't sleep with me upon first meet, which is probably a green flag for him. I'll give him that. Probably a red flag for me that I was super pissed off about it. So I never thought I'd see this man again. Anyways, I get a phone call like,
Two days after I mean, I never thought I would talk to this man again and I missed two phone calls like from this man I was like, okay Some he must got like in a car accident. I don't know what happened. So I goes everything Okay, like I was in the middle of moving whatever and he was like, no, I just want to hear your beautiful voice I'm like this voice this vocal fry. You gotta be fucking kidding me from then on we started talking
He would call me for like two hours every night and I don't talk on the phone. I'm also like a horrible fucking textor. Like text me if you're making plans or if someone died or if a baby was made. But other than that, like, please do not bother me. So anyways, we would talk on the phone because this man was fucking hot. So we'd talk on the phone for two hours a night and he would tell me all these stories to be like, what's your hobbies, baby? Yeah. Yeah.
And I was like, hobbies? I don't have fucking hobbies. I go out, I drink a little and then I do what I need to do to make money and then I watch reality TV and rock and peace. But anyways, he called me up and he goes, I wrote this beautiful short story about you and you were my muse.
And I'm like, what the flying fuck are you talking about? But anyways, obviously I wanted to hear the story guys. The story was the most insane thing I've ever fucking heard of. Honestly, I hope it goes into production because what? So this is the story you told me goes. So like this couple, they meet on a farm. This guy works at a gun range. He teaches people, I'm just giving you guys the bullet points. He teaches people how to shoot guns essentially, whatever they get set up. They go on a date.
And she's like, what do you do? He's like, I shoot guns. She's like this prim and proper bitch. And she's like, oh, like, I hate guns. Like, I'm so scared of guns, blah, blah, blah, blah.
they fall in love, whatever. He goes to work and she starts like stealing the guns out of his cabinet and starts like fucking yourselves with the gun. And I was like, I don't understand how we got, how am I the muse? I was like, how, how am I the muse to this fucking story? I do not understand. But anyways, this girl is stealing this man's guns, taking them out of the cabinet and using them as a big fucking massive rifle dildo.
I was like, okay, continue. The end of the story is he walks back into his apartment or his ranch, I don't know, their own fucking ranch. And she's fucking herself with the fucking massive rifle. And he's like, what the fuck? And she's like, oh my God, caught off guard and accidentally pulls the trigger and blows her head off through her body, out of her head. I was like, oh.
He likes me. Oh my God. I was like, what the actual fuck? It was the weirdest thing ever, but honestly, me being the person I'm demented to in the head, I was like, this might be a match, man, have been. Anyways, he invites me, let's call it Canada. He invites me to Canada.
I'm beautiful old Canada. I go, okay, let me just grab my bar. Let's go. And I stay out there for like a week or so. And we eventually, like the first night we didn't hook up, but he brought me to this weird ass three hour cinematic movie masterpiece and then just drops me off my hotel. And I was like, I did not fly and take a kayak and a train and a buzz and roller skates to get here for you to not fuck me.
So when I was pissed, like, and I was like, what is this? Like, I feel like I was getting punked. I was waiting for production to pop out with the little cameras and be like, what the flying fuck? But no, the next day he was like, I have to build rapport with someone before engaged in sexual activity. And I was like, okay, like we get it. Like take your pants off. I don't think it was getting frustrating just because I was like, I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way. I paid for the hotel.
I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way for us to not be doing cartwheels in your bedroom. So anyways, the second night and all the nights from there on, we ended up hooking up and it was fucking crazy. Like he had studio grade bondage equipment in his drawers that looked like they had tags on him. I don't know if he went to Home Depot and purchased all this for me. Like, oh my God, I was so flattered, but holy hell, this man had put me in a hog tie. Do you know what a hog tie is? Production?
yeah you know what it is like it's like hold on so it's like this and it was like
So we had me in a hog tie like this and I couldn't move. And then he had this extension bar. Like you know how you put like shades up or whatever. It's like a pole they put in between your legs. I don't know what this angle looks like by the way. So you put this pole between your legs. And if you move your legs a little more out, you can't go back in. So I dislocated my hip. I literally think I tore my ACL, but it was the craziest. I honestly, I would do it again. Honestly, Mr. Old Spice, you can call me anytime.
You'll always have a seat at my table.
a plethora of reasons. For me long distance, there's just like, I feel like a physical aspect of a relationship is so important. Yes, the emotional connections also fine. But also, I just don't think I have enough emotional maturity. I'm very self aware, but like, I'm very toxic. And I guess like, I have very low emotional IQ. So I just think
long distance for me wouldn't work because I would be plotting how to pick fights with someone that's in a different time zone like all day long just for like my own entertainment. I don't think it was a right fit not because he was the wrong person. I think I just have like a lot of growing to do what you'll probably see on this ball guys like I'm probably gonna come off as a fucking mess most of the time. I'm not gonna tell you like this is how you should be doing things. Honestly, if anything, this is how you should not be doing things maybe but it's entertaining and
It's the truth. Enough of that nonsense, guys. Let's go back into the nitty gritty. I want to get into my childhood, the origin story. People need to understand the lore, the true lore. How did I become this product? And honestly, a lot of it goes back.
to childhood. A lot of people don't know this. As a child, I was super fucking chubby. Like it was really cute, but like not during the time period where sugar lips were really popular, I was the youngest of my grade, the last to hit puberty, like all of that stuff. So I remember like all my friends were like so fatigued and skinny and blah, blah, blah.
And I was this like chunky monster, like little chunkster with a boy haircut because you know my mom is a really short cute little pixie haircut and we thought that would look really cute on me. It doesn't look really cute on a nine-year-old that's a little obese. Also like maybe don't get that right before you attend an all-girls Catholic school.
I remember my first day of fifth grade. I walked into the school and Mr. fucking Helm. Yeah, shout out Mr. Helm. I'll always remember this. He goes, oh, where's your sister?
Fuck you, Mr. Helm. That stayed with me forever. I was super chubby, so honestly, I felt like the way I was able to make friends was through being funny. I feel like my sense of humor had to carry because my looks weren't. People weren't my friend because I was this hot, cute little thing. Is that weird to say about a nine-year-old?
Like I was like not a popular girl. I wasn't popular because I was like pretty. I was popular because I was funny and I was kind and I was able to make friends with.
Everyone but I remembered in eighth grade was when I first got really skinny We had a little bit of an eating issue there. I got really thin And it was the first time boys recognized me was the first time I made friends with like the cool girls in my grade So from that point on I attributed it like being super thin to having value as a person someone that you could be friends with which started this whole other fucking
series of drama. We'll get into that on another date. But yeah, anyways, high school. I had one boyfriend. He was at the brother. I went to an all girls Catholic school. Like how fucking ironic that is. I'm sitting on a podcast called extra dirty. And I went to an all girls Catholic school for eight years.
PSA to all the parents watching, don't send your child to an all girls Catholic school. It's like caging a wild animal and then releasing them into college. Like I turned hoe because of that. The thing that is interesting about like the all girls Catholic school lore is like I went to that school for eight years. I'm not even Catholic. I don't even, I'm Protestant. I'm a CEO. I'm a Christmas Easter only type of bitch. Okay. Like that church, like
A church he hates to see me coming, like trust me on that. Like a literally a text on a church parking lot. Like I am not like your typical Catholic school girl. Maybe like the kind of Catholic school girl you see in pornos, but like I'm not your typical like prim and proper like Blair Waldorf type of bitch. Like that's just not who I am. But it was a great school. It was a private school. I wasn't a great student. I was like probably a B average student.
Just because I didn't give a fuck. I didn't put like my whole pussy into like academics, which is fine. Whatever happened in the great war of 19. Like I'm not using that right now as I sit on this couch. I just feel like there was no need for me to really dive into academics. I mean, it works for some people, but it just wasn't my thing. Okay. Anyways, my parents weren't very strict. I mean, I think some of you have seen my dad online. Like I posted a lot of my TikTok. He is me personified.
I, the apple does not fall far from that tree. He's fucking funny. He's so unserious. And he's like, like a little cringy, but like in a fucking funny way, which I think I am too, to be honest. And then my mom is like the complete opposite. They're in like in a rock star relationship. You have to have a rock.
and you have to have a star and you both need each other for the whole machine to be well-oiled. I feel like that's super important for a relationship. I don't want to date someone that has a bigger ego than me. We would kill each other. I think it would be on the Daily Mail. We would kill each other. But yeah, they weren't strict at all. My mom was more of the emotional support
My dad is more like the financial support. He still is. Shout out, dad, for this beautiful apartment. I love you so dearly. Thank you. Oh my God, dad, I love you. You're my favorite. When I think about it, actually, have I dated more rocks or more stars? The men I have dated are fucking, no offense, duds. And then they would like cheat on me. I remember my first boyfriend. He cheated on me while I was in rehab.
for an eating disorder. So it's only, I could break out the cage and go like confront him about it. I was dealing, I wasn't like, I was in knitting class. I don't like, I couldn't deal with his bullshit. He was cheating on me with my like best friend's twin. And I was knitting and coloring inside the circles and like my little kumbaya group trying to heal myself. And he was out there like playing me. I was like, after that, didn't trust any men. Even if they're a rock or they're a star, men just suck in general. I don't know. I'm still figuring out.
It's a whole thing going back to my parents. They are amazing. They're like my best friends. I feel like as I've gotten older, I've appreciated spending so much time with them. Like I like look forward to hanging out with them. They're way cooler than I'll ever be, but they're great people. But no, they were not strict. Honestly, I think they just sent me to the all girls private Catholic school so they can get me into a good college in my dad's rich. So I feel like
He can afford the private school. I don't, I don't know guys. Yeah, he cannot ask them when he's on the podcast. He always used to say 42 five down the drain, which was my tuition, like per year, 42 five down the drain. I would say like selling dumb or like uneducated or just like, I can't believe this is the product I've made. He'd be like 42 five down the drain. Fuck. Like I've created a monster. It's his fault. We go to work door together. He brings me there. Like it's not like I'm going alone.
He comes with me and he approves of every purchase. Not only does he approve of every purchase, he picks things out. So speaking of my dad, he does commercial reality development. He fucking absolutely crushes it. He like really wanted me to be in it just because our personality types are so similar. At one point in time when I had first moved to New York City, I had literally no idea what I wanted to do. This is before social media.
I had no job and I was luckily able to get away with that for some time. I would host this here and there in the summer on Antucket. But for the most part, I was not doing anything during the year. So my parents were like, you need to get a job. Like this is like, you're 24 years old. Like I don't know what the fuck you're doing with yourself. And also at the same time, I really wanted a new rack. Like I really wanted new tits. So I told my mom, I was like, mom, like I think I need new tits. They kind of look like a rock and a sock.
My weight really fluctuated and like, like picture a rock in a sock. It's kind of like, you know, it's like not cute. So I was like, all right, I need a new chest. And my mom's like, we'll pay for it if you get your real estate license.
So I was like, kid in a candy shop. I was like, pen to fucking paper. I was like, I got my real estate license within two weeks. I think it was honestly a world fucking record. I got that shit so quickly. At the same time, I was seeing this billionaire and he was, oh my God, this is, he's going to be a whole chapter of this podcast, but I'll go a little into the, because he kind of goes into this story.
He called me from London one morning and he was like, fucked up, seven a.m. there. And I was like, so head over heels over this man who was like 15 years older than me, like hedge fund, daddy, Saul. And he was checked all the boxes besides the fact he was like a Peter Pan man. Like this man is never going to grow up, never wants to grow up, has a lot of money, can get any fucking bitch he wants. He's also like semi attractive.
I miss him. He was fun. All right, I'm getting distracted. So anyways, at the same time, he also thought I needed new tits. Honestly, I think he planted the seed, which is kind of fucked up. But he was like, I'll pay for them. He was like, Halle, like, all themo. So him and his best rich daddy friend, both them and me for grand for my tits.
It was like 12 grand, but like they both met me four grand. They think they own each tit. They named them like Francesca, England, Swilla. I don't know. Like they think they own my chest, but little do they know, I pocketed that money. It was just like play New York money at that time. I pocketed that money, got my real estate license, and then my parents paid for it. So I ended up getting the fake tits and I've never sold a fucking house in my life.
But I love a crown molding and I can appreciate good interior, a one bed, a one bath. And I know what areas of New York are the best in the city. I know where the daddies are. I know where the rent is the highest. And that's where I typically hang out because I know they can afford nice things. You know the thing about real estate is like location, location, location. Just like you guys right now, sitting at your little laptop or your phone or whatever, you're in the right place right now watching the right podcast. Like, look at us. We're just growing together.
Okay, now that I've told you guys that different men own each of my tits, I have a little secret to share with you guys. There is actually currently right now, as we speak, a man in my bed. I didn't want to like tell you that, but like, don't ask questions. You don't want the answers to. But I feel like we went so hard last night. I feel like he could use a little bit of the hair of the dog right now. So let's get him up. I feel like cookie. Come here, lover. Surprise.
fucking dominoes or the vodka. Get your fucking mic.
Okay, hi guys, this is Graydon Cookie Cutler. Okay, guys, I feel like most of you know who Graydon is, but if you don't, he's like my best, most funniest friend. We sleep together all the time. He's so good and bad. This is true. We do sleep together a lot. No, yeah. And you turn on your sound machine. It's always like super magical. We get cozy. You love the sound machine. No, I actually do, but I do have my AirPods in watching real housewives.
Oh, okay. Well, this morning I woke up, Holly woke me up and she said I took up the whole. Sorry, I didn't mean interrupt you, but it was 11 45. Okay. Okay, but that's my morning. Holly told me that I was taking up the whole entire bed, but this morning I woke up and her head was on my shoulder. And he hates physical touch. You don't like when I cuddle or hug you or anything. I don't like that because you have a regime. Okay. If you were a man, I wouldn't mind. I can't make sure you like cuddle up with someone.
Like, I can't picture you like being the big spoon. Are you the big spoon or the little spoon? Um, I just think anatomically I have to be the big spoon one time I was cuddling with somebody and I fell asleep and I woke up and they were just gone. And I'll be honest with you, I really haven't cuddled since. So have you ever fucked a woman or are you like a gold star? Do you know what a gold star is? It's like they had a C-section, right?
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. A gold star is when you have a C-section. I'm a gold star. It's like you can't even come out of a vagina. Not only did you not sleep with a woman, you didn't even come out of a woman. You came out of a stomach. Oh, that's actually a good point. Not be teaching you about being gay again. Well, that's not like actually gold star, but like that could be a thing. That's a platinum star. Like never touched a badge. Yeah, I'm a gold star, yeah. You're my honest section?
No, Holly, that's not actually what a gold star is. A gold star is when you're gay and you've never been with a girl. So you're not a gold star because... I'm a gold star. Okay. Yeah. I'm a gold star. Loud and proud. So let's get back to our origin story. I feel like a lot of people don't know how we became friends, how we met. We should tell them the story of how we actually met. Okay, let's tell it.
You would remember more than me probably. Are you really counting on me for memories? So I walk into this party on Antucket, obviously shitface. This was like my first time actually going to the Antucket. The year I believe was like 2021. Right after COVID, so this is my first like tasting Antucket kind of.
And I see this girl and she's like snatched. She's like her skin's pulled back. I'm like, did she go? I'm like, did she get a facelift? Like what's going on? And I was like, your skin is so amazing. Like what do you do when you told me you like get your Botox at this girl in New York, but like you live in Boston.
So at the time you were living in Boston and you would go to New York to get your face done. I remember this. Flash forward. I didn't know this bitch lived in was from Boston. I didn't know she had a house in Kentucky. So I thought I was never going to see you again. And then we were in Boston on a cold rainy ass night.
He's at the moon. He's at the tone. We're on this yacht. That's where Halley and I really rekindled. And I was like, oh my god, you like are from Boston? Like you're here? Oh my god, let's hang out. So that's how we started hanging out. And then I look over and there is this man. And he was like a tech CEO founder. I think he is. I worked for him for a little bit. Like when I was like, didn't have a job trying to figure out what I was doing.
He was like a crypto baddie. Like he like promised me all these things. He used to put me up with the Nomo Soho and like work on his like computer for like this new app. He was creating like no events, but like that's all he could afford. If he's in crypto, it was the Nomo Soho. No, that was a red flag. Yeah. And he had like a Soho. And he had this really good friend who was bald that was like working on his crypto. This is like such a side note. I went on the stay with this man. He was like bald and like it was the sketchiest thing I've ever done.
He promised me like $10,000 in like fiscal cash. No. And he said he would only give it to me if I sucked him. Fucked him. I didn't suck him. I didn't fuck him. He was bald. So he looked like Mr. Clean. So he shows up to this date with a suitcase of $10,000 in cash and gave it to me. Did you keep it? Yeah. What did you have to do? Then I told him I had a UTI and I couldn't hang out with him for the rest of the weekend. That made me sound like kind of an escort.
It wasn't like that. I didn't even kiss him. Honestly, I feel like he got bamboozled that night. Anyway, I hope he's well, but I looked over my shoulder and his pants were down to his ankles and his whole entire asshole was out. Nellies, cheek spread. Cheek spread, blackout drunk. And I was like, is somebody going to put this guy's pants on? I can't be looking at this. We had people see sick. The waves were tumultuous. And this man is like ripping his asshole apart, like basically in a fetal position.
Like I like, I've seen darker parts of that man then. Yeah. I can see his throat from behind. It was crazy. You can't say that. Yeah. You know, I think we shared that moment of seeing this man's asshole. And that's when we became friends. We've been through it. We'd speaking of men with gaping assholes. One was the last time you have entered or have been entered.
via throat, via ass, via ear, with a man. Via ear, like yesterday. It's been a really long drought, and I feel like I'm like in the Sahara Desert, like one of those animals who like can't really access the watering hole. And it's not, I don't think it's the rain that's like blocking me from accessing water. I'm starting to think it's me.
No, I think your type is bad. Your type is straight men. So that automatically sets you up for failure. Okay, I would just like to crack. It's like it's not straight men. It's just a mask. I like a more masculine man, which is totally fine. But I don't know. I mean, I definitely don't think my TikTok videos help. When was your last sexual encounter fling romance, a spark that lit a fire under your beautiful plump ass?
That's so sweet. Thank you. The last time, let's just go with the last time I got diddled or diddled somebody else. That sounds illegal. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't remember. No, like you have to like, I'm telling you right now to put a date over over a year ago, probably that I fucked. I've sucked. You're the second queen. I used to be not anymore. We're going out tonight again.
Tonight, Holly is having a party. I think tonight's my night where, like, I really want my eyes to cross. Last night, we were pretty drunk, but tonight I want to be even more drunk. Anyways, I feel like we could go on and on about fucking crazy stories we've been. Like, we've seen so much together, like, besides, like, the darkest parts of people's assholes. I think we've seen a lot of... Lauren! Wait, fucking freak of the weeks here.
Yay! Foreign's here!
Guys, this is Lauren. Lauren's here. I'm here. I'm here. We're the three best friends that anyone could have. We're the three best friends anyway. Welcome to the casting couch. Thank you guys. I feel very welcome. I know. She's real close to each other. Yeah. I know. It's a whole hand. Just let us know. Thank you. No, I'm fine. I see how it is.
Alright, guys, if you don't know Lauren, Lauren's the one that makes, she's the reason I'm alive. I feel like she keeps my schedule together. It sounds like you work for me. No, I like my B-production. No, she's, when I call production, my TikTok, she is production I'm calling for.
Yeah, like I wouldn't show up to anything on time. I'm not a planner. I am just a personality hire. Yeah. Yeah. Fish is just good at getting shit done. She's also really good in bed. Oh my gosh. Wait, she shows me her sex tapes all the time. It's like watching. You know, when you're like on like a sports team and they like rewatch tape just like see where they like could have like done better. Mm hmm. I'm that person for you. Yes. Do you have any feedback? You're amazing. Recoil is insane.
What happens to you in that? No, I don't. We'll go inside. But anyways, this is Lauren. Introduce yourself, my little freak of the week. I'm Lauren. I'm from New Jersey. That's probably the most uninteresting thing about me. Me and Halley have been best friends for like six years now. Yeah. Yeah. So my
My college roommate was Halley's best friend from high school. And then we met and we fell in love. We did. We did. We had a week of just going out straight together. Every single night, we would go to bed. Sounds like you're legit, let's vote.
A week ago, it was like a year. Last week, we went and accidentally ended up at a gay bar. And it was like all lesbian couples around us. With there was a flag everywhere. We had no idea. It was a gay bar. It was a gay bar. There was like a lot of lesbian couples. And we were just like sitting there. I think we were one of them. We might have been one of them. We were one of them. I think people thought that we were one of them. No, definitely. Definitely people thought I was chowing down on you, getting the lawn, cutting from the rough. The whole nine. Yeah.
Munching muffin. Anyways, we've known each other for how many years? Like six years now. You've never seen me in a relationship. I haven't, but I've seen you in multiple situations. I think that's always crazy that you've never seen me on committed. Yeah, and you've only seen me committed. I was committed to them. They weren't committed to you. No, no, you thought they were.
And I was always trying to tell, I was like, they're not hot, even though some of them were. I was like, they're not hot, Halle. You could do so much better. And now looking back, we're like, fuck. The cross was hot. The cross was hot. The cross was really hot. But I was trying. I was very convincing. I was like, he's not hot. Trust me.
It's the hottest thing I ever caught with ever when I went to her life. Yeah. So you have a boyfriend. We love him. We love him. Actually, you didn't like him at first, though. I did it. I didn't like that I had. He hit on Hallie. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. He added you on Snapchat in front of me when he didn't like me. No. Yeah. To do so. No, no, no. Here's what happened. Here's what happened.
My boyfriend now, at the time, didn't want anything to do with me. And in order to show me how he didn't want anything to do with me, he was like, I'm just going to flirt in front of her. I'm going to add her best friend on Snapchat. And put his phone down so I could see everything. This was when he was mean. And then this happened. Didn't you have fuckboy fees? He had a fuckboy.
No, he's like perfect, but like for those like, he's an angel, but like he wasn't an angel until the second that he asked me to be a girlfriend. Up until then, I was a doormat.
And like, all in tunnel. Did you like being torn out or did you like? And you were fake. You were so fake. Lauren used to like show up for like my house in Kentucky and like be wearing like AF1s and like Jordans. Yeah. I wore like Jordans with like, Nike, like calves to the beach. No. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah. It's a yeah.
Yeah, they were like custom made like they just like took the fabric. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. And you were leather pants to the beach, but here we are. They were real leather. Then you met Jordan. You guys fell in love so deeply. He also has a massive piece. Who? George, like a walk-in tripod.
You know, like that thing that's holding up this camera right now, that looks like Jordi is a third leg. A man, if like a gust of wind ever hit him from behind, he would be standing up still. I love that for him. He deserves that, honestly. He deserves that. He deserves a big deck. He has like short arms, but he's making up for it. Sounds like a T-Rex guy. He has short limbs, but a big deck. Short limbs. Yes, he's like a Taranor sword. I also think he like lifts so much, those arms like progressively like get higher. Oh, what?
It's got a really long torso. We're not body shaming Jordan on episode one. We love Jordan. We're complimenting. Yeah. We're going to talk about this. The thing is that's nice about me and Lauren is like, we have very different tastes in men. I think we all have very different tastes in men, honestly. Especially me. I feel like you guys have the same taste in men.
I feel like you would go for someone like Jordan. Like a pretty boy. No, you would go for Jordan. I would go for Jordan. I'll go for Jordan right now. Tell him to come over. Jordan. Jordan loves Jordan. Jordan loves Jordan. You and Jordan have a very special relationship. Yeah, we do. Anyway, enough about him. Yeah. So we're going out tonight. What is the pregame going to look like you think? I'm like terrified the fact that we have to get ready in like an hour and a half. Should we tell them what the pregame's usually look like? Yeah, let's tell them. OK, let's run through it. Well, I don't really drink that much.
which is amazing for us. Because I'm always driving if we're in Antucket, or I'm always directing. I used to hate it. I feel like when you're younger, you're like, you're not taking shots. And now we're like, don't take a shot. I feel like you should. Should I take this shot? Because I don't want to uber on Antucket. And she is the DD. She is trusted by my parents. That's true. The vehicle. She's on the car insurance. You should be other than some other siblings.
Fish is the type of person where she can go out and like have like, you'll have like one drink. Yeah. But like you don't need to be like should face to have fun. Like you always have fun. I'm there for the music. I am there for the networking. You used to go out to network. Yeah. Halle would drink for us and I would network for us. And honestly, it worked. It worked about pretty well for us. Here we are. Here we are. But yeah, I know Halle and Graydon are probably ripping shots together. I am looking on an amazement.
Mm-hmm. You're cheering on is crazy. I am looking on an amazement. I'm like, wow, I would die I would be in the hospital sounds like shade you're throwing No, but anyways, we might die But in a positive way and in a way that like we'll go out with a bang Hopefully but the pregame would have been people over tonight and then I'm throwing a party later in the evening and the wee hours of the
I will be so cross-eyed, I will be crossing both streets at once because I'm gonna be like this one. People used to like, or I don't know if people do still think this, but like some people think it's a bit, like you're cross-eyed, no. Like you fully, I had meningitis. No, I had meningitis as a toddler. I had it too. We both almost died.
But you're not cross-eyed. We did do. I almost died at the cross, but I'm not cross-eyed. So I had a brain infection when I was two that affected my equilibrium. So they used to call me head wound holly. I would just fall over, tip over, just simple tasks like walking. So then I turned completely cross-eyed like this. Production's human.
I'm looking at both screens right now. No, literally I'll get so cross-eyed. So it's sex, I got contacts, but when I drink the muscles behind my eyes that keep them straight normally, even right now, I'm like, teetering. If I'm tired or a little tipsy, my eyes will just give out strength and I'll just go like this. So that's when Lauren knows that it's time to take a close the tab. And you know, it's great. And I think I've said this before, but when someone looks at us and like, they're leaving or leaving so early, I'm like, look at her.
You do? Yeah. That is such a cough out. You just like nod your head. You're like, look over here. Look at her eyes. They're like, oh, of course. Take her home. Oh, yeah. That's how you get out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Look at her. They're like, we totally understand. Take your time getting out. I hope you get home safe. I'll see when you get back. Make sure you get her home safe. I'm screaming. And honestly, Holly, I think we should start using that moving forward. Like, if we're just not having good time, yeah. You're so beautiful.
She just goes on the bus ride. You're the only robot like look at her. It looks so real. Well, we should do that. Yeah, I think that's our new cop out. Because I hate like, I hate being like pressured to stay. It's a good cop out, but it's like loop me in. Yeah, I got you. Next time. But like sometimes like you're just out of it. I can't loop you in your loop. I'm never that out of it.
Don't drink. Stay in school. I really don't want to go out tonight. I'm not gonna lie guys. It's your party. Literally hosted by you. You're on the invite. You're hosting the party you have to go. Honestly, what's fun is Hallie's hosting a pregame and I think what's so great about... It's my glassware. Is your glassware? You're gonna let other people use it? No, I'm not. Can I use it? Yeah, you can use it. You're not a drunk like the rest of the people coming over.
Also though, I love that all our friends have meshed. Yeah, that's so important. Like us? Well, us, but also your home friends, my school friends. I feel like besides you guys, I don't really have that many more friends. Real friends, I would consider like, oh, I could trust them with.
I mean, I'm telling everyone else here, my dirty historical secrets, but yeah, things that would probably get me in trouble with the police, but those things, I feel like I can trust my good away with anything.
Yeah. Like, would you bury your body for me? Yeah. Great. And what's our relationship? Yeah. So how does the dynamic work here? You're probably wondering because I'm so perfect and like, oh my God, how are you so perfect? Like, how can we like share time? I just, between the both of them, it's like, I'm divorced parents, like the product of how do you guys get along? How do you co-parent this beast?
I would, so I'm a cancer leo cusp and I can't really tell you what to talk about me. Oh, wait. I'm a Leo Cancer cusp. Wait, what Leo cancer cusp? Yeah. Wait, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, sorry. Cancer leo cusp. Yeah. I'm the day we're the same. You're July 22nd. Yeah. I'm July 23rd.
Oh, yeah. I'm the first. Dave, leave it. So we have the same. Oh, my God, it's significant. We have the same cost, but different, like, like, like, fireside. No, no, no, no, like, main sign. We need to get our Twitter something. But, Fishy and I just have a really sensitive, like, loving connection. We do. You know, although she's way more sensitive than me. I'm sensitive and I'm thinking. She might start crying. Like, you will, like, have my back. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I'll go for her throat. No.
Well, sometimes you get very angry. Sometimes how he gets, at the end of the night, she'll be really drunk and she'll sometimes jump on the neck. And not in a mean way, I'm just very sensitive. I take everything so seriously. It's really hard to argue with you, because you will cry. I will cry. And I'm like, that's it. She never wants to see me again. That's it. Our friendship is all over because she was like,
I don't know, like what if she said to me before? I'm thinking about a time where I took it so personally. Like the summer on your birthday? Oh yeah. You were so sensitive. I was so sensitive. People that were staying at my house wanted to go to dinner with me. Yeah. They were staying at my house, but you would auction them off to my house because they couldn't stay at your boyfriend's house. No, no, no. Actually, we should talk about this. Because that was real. No, no.
That was bad. And you're like, you aren't coming to my eye thing. And I was like, wait, they're staying at my house. No, no, no, no. I was just, I felt left out because normally in Nintucket, I always stay at your house. And this is the first time that I wasn't staying at your house where everyone was there. So I was like, feeling left out.
And because I was feeling left out, I just started crying at Cisco. And actually, I'm mortified. And my boyfriend's brother likes to bring it up now. He's like, are you going to cry? Are you going to cry? Like, you cried at Cisco? I'm glad he does. Because he should have been in my marriage. Yeah. It'd be a weird little frick man. I was being afraid. Yeah. And I was like, and then I came home and I was like,
I was like, you can come to dinner too, but like, you were also staying at your boyfriend. So I was like, are you going to leave your boyfriend and their family and their cookout? Yes. They're going to do the thing that they're throwing for you and come to my parents. Look at me in the eyes. Yes. I will leave him. That's what I'm going to do. Just kidding. Yeah. I'm thinking about the Hampton strip now.
Oh, the empty ship guys. That's what I was referring to. Yeah. No, guys, we were happy. We forget what happened. It was a brand trip. It was like one of the first brand ships I've ever been on, but like we were sharing a room. The three of us live with her too. No. No, it's us three. No, it was just us three. We were at... Oh, she was there for another one. This one was just us three.
And I was being the plus one I got there. I opened up every single present. I got into the pajamas that were on my bed. As you should. As you should. I stole some of Gradence products. I was fucking there. But we went to surf lodge. A guy in your building. I ran into him today, yesterday. I run into him every single day. His name is Chowdown.
Well, that's the name. His name is Chowdown. He lives in my building. I literally have the exact same schedule as him. I saw him this morning. I saw him yesterday. That's the story. We met at Surf Lodge, and I was drunk, and I said, come back. And I was really cute. He's really cute. He's really tall. And I was weird, though. His gig was like, he's telling me how you know. I wasn't here. You were in there. This is the weekend with Liv. Yeah. Yeah, you weren't there. And we brought him back. He went down on me in front of
Yeah, in front of us. Me and Liv were hiding in the bathroom, and we were like, okay, well, it's been two minutes. Maybe we should come out now. We come out. You're giving me two minutes to work my masterpiece? Yeah, it didn't seem like you were feeling it, because his laugh was really weird. I don't know. Yeah, and then we came out and we were like, show us what you were doing. Okay, I received a video this night. Do we want to talk about that? That was chow-ed out. It was out from you.
No, no, that was for me. Okay. I live in a group shot. It was liverfish sent it to me and there's this, I see this hair underneath the sheet and how he's there. And I'm like, is she like playing with like a stuffed animal? Like what, why is her hair under the sheets? It was Mr. Chow down, chowing down, chowing down, giving the name all his glory. Yeah. He's a nice guy. And then we set him on his way. It's funny because I'll get those videos and I will not think one thing of it.
like are you up to go? Bye. We like literally the way that we like hurried that man out of the room. Like he didn't even have time to put his shoes on. He was like by the time he was outside. He was weird though. He was a weird little freak. Yeah. But anyway, I live in the same building as him and I see him every single day and I'm like, Hey, and he's like, Hey, how you doing? And then, you know, we talk about something for like the 30 seconds of the elevator ride, the minute fucking outdoors and yeah, every day.
That's the worst. Yeah, more man. Mr. Chowdown. Okay, like, we need to wrap this up. We need to get ready with the shower with the bathe. I'm sure Grayden has to take a nap. I need to take a couple shots. I think before we go, guys, we should give a little, like, real housewives tag. I'm like, what would, like, you know, use up the ending of this, okay? Yes, yes, yes, yes. You can start and then Lauren and then I have to think of mine because, okay. I love this. Okay, let's run it back. This is your moment to shine. If you won't suck my quirky, at least drink one.
You like that? That's like your Quaggy. Ooh. That's good. All right, Lauren, you go. All right, where am I looking? I may not drink, but I eat every day. Period. I'm screaming. I do eat every day. How you do? Yeah. I used to be half. I was thick. I see more than once a day. I don't even know what my own be. You got it. Like, you miss 100% of the comm shots you don't take. Period. Period.
All right, guys cheerling. Yay! So let's wrap it up, guys. We have to get ready with go take shots. This has been so much fun. I'm so excited for everyone to be here, even if you're just here to make fun of me. I don't fucking care. We're going to have so much fun. This was amazing. You're going to see a lot more of this situation going on. It's going to be a lot of chaos, a lot of unhinged straw energy. We're going to raw dog this whole fucking thing.
subscribe, like, review, give us five stars, all that fucking shit. You can find us on all platforms, wherever you watch your podcast, YouTube, whatever, whatever floats your fucking boat. Anyways, happy to be here. Love you all. And thank you. Episode one, let's fucking do this. Bye. Bye.
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