Hello and welcome to the Paper Cuts midweek mini cast. I'm Rhonda Sawyer and I'm here for a good time, not a deadline.
Papercuts is out every Monday and Friday, but to keep you going in the middle of the week, we give you a bite-size mini edition featuring some extra stories that we spotted. So here are a couple of excellent new tales from the past week and a clip or two from behind the paywall, including John Niven's gritty cost of living reboot of Bridget Jones for 2025. You're welcome.
Now it's time to catch up with yet another epic instalment of the rom-com-gon-wrong.
That is Liz Jones' diary. For those of you who have not been keeping up, our heroine Liz has been having a hot love affair with a man who likes wearing black polo necks and turning up for some sexy good times as long as she's paid for the fancy hotel suite. This has been going on for some months. Anyway, last week he stood her up on New Year's Eve and she hired a private detective to find out what was really going on and we were shocked
shocked, I tell you, to discover that he was seeing someone else, a blonde, who turned up on his doorstep and stayed overnight. So what? Oh, what happened next? Gronya, don't keep his interspence. Can I just say, just, if somebody stood me up at Christmas and you're as Eve, I wouldn't be like, it's just so complicated that we just have to get a private investigator involved. Be like, I think I can read the signals. But not Liz. I know, we love her.
So she hired a private detective to find out what was going on. She falls asleep New Year's Eve. Remember, he stood her up. Then she wakes up at 4am and rewatches the video of a blonde woman. And I love this detail in a bad coat.
So her fashion brain has never turned off. She's got bad coat. She's arriving at the flash of the man I love with a box of provisions. Minutes after he told me he was too ill to see me, it gets much, much worse.
She then gets another video of him and the blonde emerging at one o'clock. So she went round to his house, maybe they had an intimate moment, and then at one o'clock they're heading out to a party. Yeah, I mean, he has got a lot of energy. I mean, for a tired man. And he's putting on a beanie. She was wearing palazzo pants. I don't know why that detail was important, but it was. Then they walk to a party, then they head back to his flash at two o'clock.
So they weren't at this party for very long. And then Liz goes, yeah, she looks really drunk.
She looks at this whore in that awful coach on New Year's Eve at a party. It's an outrage. She looks drunk. She says, he looks pissed. He stands and lets her stagger away. With me, he was always smiling and laughing. So with Liz, he was like just wearing a pole neck laughing, joking with this woman with terrible taste and coats. He's just a drunk mess. And she's a falling down whore.
Then on the Saturday evening, he's seen emerging from the flap with a brunette. Someone else. Another lady enters the picture. She looks young. What is up with these women and bad jackets?
Yeah, I wonder whether the common denominator isn't Liz Jones here and the fact that we're seeing this through the prism of her eyes and maybe the jackets are fine. That's all I'm saying. They go and saw him and this young brunette. They go to an audience to see Mafasa.
Just because earlier, we're in Oscar season. We're all just stressed to see all the best picture nominations. I support Blue Ivy as much as the next one. But I'm still not going to see Mafasa in the cinema. I have a theory. I think it's his daughter. I think this is his daughter. I think the blonde woman was definitely a dally on this. But I think this is his daughter. It's quite early. They go for a quick drink at a bar, and then they go to see Mafasa. You don't go to see Mafasa.
That is just a door, I think. It's weird, yeah. So then they emerge from the cinema and it's that moment she sends him the videos of him with the blonde on New Year's Eve and a photo of him, and I'm quoting from Liz directly, drinking wine with the fetus. The fetus we presume might be his daughter.
But then she says, and you know what, we film it. She said, I would love to have seen the expression on his face when he opens the message, but says, and you know what, we film it, which the suggestion there is that we're going to be able to watch his reaction when he realises that he's busted. Yeah, I think, I mean, you cannot put that up on the daily mail online. The producer's going, maybe. Get a little clicks.
But anyway, yes. So, I mean, it's to be continued, isn't it? It's a never-ending effort. She's feeding us. Liz Jones is big. She knows it's a bit like Trisha's got us through the first few weeks of January. Liz Jones, men may not love her the way that she deserves, but she loves us. She's including in all this.
There's a bit at the end of her column, which is called Joan's Moans. Presumably every week, she just says, this is what's been annoying you this week. This week, they're all related to this saga. She's been reflecting on his love bombing texts, for example, in the early stages, and then also how she would have felt if she'd been more financially dependent on him. But then one of her moans is that he has the temerity to live near a space NK, which she describes as my spiritual home.
I love her. She's amazing. She's so brilliant.
If you can hear this bit, hello, you've made it into the highly exclusive PaperCust supporters club. So why not pop in the lift of the penthouse, let the livery butler open the door, grab a cocktail from the silver tray and take in the panoramic view of the city whilst grabbing onto the wall because you're just so high up. Meanwhile, we'll tell you about another story that we've found, and this is in times two, and it is quote about the sexy Irish. Bit weird, but anyway, Rosie, why should we like the sexy Irish? Because they're super sexy.
There's lots of them. There's Colin Farrell. There's Jamie Dawn and there's Paul Maskell. There is a lot of sexy Irishmen. And they didn't used to be sexy. But now, they used to be... They used to be terrorists, apparently. No. That's what the Times thought. That's what the Times thought. But now, they've ever come all that to be sexy. And it's called... The headline is, I'm fit. I'm Irish. My Times come.
Hmm. Shall I tell my husband? He's... It's your time darling, it's your time! But I mean, kudos to you, because you were with him long before Irishman were capable of being sexy. It's true, I was ahead of the curve. You really were. A brave move.
It was a brave move, I feel. I mean, I have to say, this is such a strange article to me, because it does seem a little bit like the article that you spotted in the eye, where it's like, where it is the lady you're saying. So I got married to someone of colour and now I've been with my friend. This one is the same. It's like, it's OK to like the Irishman. Can I say what I like is the, it's written by Sean O'Neill, and he's stuck a picture of himself like a thirst trap to show that he too is a sexy Irishman. And he is.
To be fair to, I had a look at this and I do think that the five men there are all really attractive, not just physically, but their whole demeanor is attractive. But I do think there's a glaring omission, flatly doesn't feature in this.
Flally is the best. Flally, Michael Flally was a complete game changer for the sexual attractiveness and accessibility of Irish. He's not on there. He's not on there. In a beautiful silken blouse pointing at the sky. Armed up.
Arms are locked. You should have written this article. I feel like you know. I'm just saying there are lots of different types of sexy Irish. Yeah. Flatly didn't even get a look in. Yeah, it's true. Do they have any other reason in the fact that they've just got like what the Times will say, you know, a beguiling accent? I bet they say that.
The guiling. No, I don't think so, really. I would like to talk about cheek bones, cork draw. The cork draw. That's the beguiling accent. No, it doesn't really give any reason. It just talks about how sexy they all are. Sean O'Neill, who's the writer, talks about how he was accused by police of maybe because he was an Irish man, but now he's sexy.
Oh, Q's were pleased to have existed? Yeah, they just turned up at his house, but he hadn't done a thing. Excuse me. Oh, we had no idea you were so attractive. That is what happened. That's what happened. We're so sorry to have woken you up, sir. Yeah.
If you can hear this bit, hello, you're in the Paper Cuts supporters club. And with an all-female panel today, it's Lady's Night in the club, so get yourself a cosmopolitan and let's sing along to the power of love, cornea. The Back to the Future version. Yes, of course, until we break a stiletto and have to limp home. And today, one of our fellow sisters is doing it for herself, and the independent Olivia Petta bravely comes out as being single
At 30! What?! A scandal! A singular 30! What next, Gronya? So first of all, what we have to understand, this was on the front page of the interpange. This was a front page!
column. The headline is, I'm single at 30 and loving it dot dot dot. Honestly. And it's like, we believe you. Yeah, like, that's really normal. I mean, this was one of those things where I was like, OK, but look, journalists don't write the headlines. Is it really unfair? Is it unfair?
No. The first thing I thought when I saw the headline and was casting my eyes over it is, oh, this is very Bridget Jones. It's like I had to hit my head and woke up in the 90s. There's literally a picture of Bridget Jones underneath the headline. I don't know. I mean, I'm not 30 and haven't been for a very long time. 90s fashion is back. So is the stigma of being single at 30 back?
There's 90s, that's a dick on the wardrobe. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. It just, it was giving me Kate Hudson rom-com 2002. It's just so bizarre. And just another, like, little snippet from it. So she talks about all the things she thought she would have achieved at this grand old age. Oh, my God. You're big 3-0. You're supposed to have all your ducks in a row. Those ducks being a home that you own,
Oh, my God. A high-flying career in a well-paid industry and a partner of whom you were at least fond. So she thought she would be a homeowner, be in an industry that's financially stable and that rewards her. And she thought she would be in a relationship at 13. I mean, I'm not sure even in the 1990s we had the expectation.
One of the things that she says, and this is a real pet hate of mine, is she says, I realize all women should begin their 30s alone. I just think any sentence that includes the phrase all women needs to get in the bin. I mean, there's quite a range of feminine experiences across this world. Some scientists are now saying that, yes. Obviously most of us are exactly the same.
But there are occasional exceptions, yeah. I mean, well, you know, the thing is, this is a kind of piece, though, that thrives on that sort of generalisation, isn't it? I mean, of kind of somehow trying to universalise this. It's because although I've got us having things single at first, you're not owning a home yet.
It's pretty universal, it's true. It's just, it just meant it's so confusing who commissioned it and who thought this would be like, oh, this will be a real think piece. Girls, single authority, what are your thoughts? I'm fine with it, honestly. I say go, girl. I'm shamed, I'm gonna jump down a well, what's the point? It's so cute, but it's like, oh, and you need to have your camel coat and make sure your file of faxes up to date. You'll never get that guy.
Now in the telegraph and all over the place to be honest is the exciting return of rom-com delight Bridget Jones. There's to be a new film tentatively titled Bridget Jones mad about the boy, which will start shooting in London in May. Rennie Zellweger 54 is back to pile on the temporary pounds as Bridget. John, are you excited?
I am very excited for the return of Bridgette. Unlike Kevin Meyer in The Times today, I feel that they open for somewhat judgmental headline. I feel Bridgette joins us back but no one needs the semi-alcoholic network.
Well, speak for yourself, Kevin. It's semi-alcoholic knickwits, like my friends. And we soon gather from reading the piece that I'm not sure a comedy is Old Kevin's bag, because he says she is a man craving semi-alcoholic network who's terrible at her job. That's kind of the gag, isn't it? A sober, clear-eyed, super-efficient, and to work early Bridget Jones, happily stable. I'm not, you know, where do we go from here?
The fucking enthusiasm with a kindly old man goes round daily helping people out. And I'm not sure that or, as you pointed out earlier, a dad's army that's a really efficient crack essay student who don't know. This is the point you've got to know that he laments the fact that in the second Bridget Jones movie, The Edge of Reason,
was worse than the first one because they'd amped up the slapstick, the verbal diarrhea, and the negative body image. Because you remember the who had the time that Renee Zilwiger had, you know, and a Jake Lamotta-esque move, you know, had gained about £6 to get into a size 12 dress.
But you really didn't want to hear my pitch for new Bridget joins movie where we open on a sinky state up north Where Bridget is Gilbert grapes up to 30 stones smoking really strong skunk. Well, the kids crawl about with bin bags taped to their arses The thing is screenwriting as you have to begin at the bottom and think it's literally sort of carrying Martha's existence And she's gonna end up a size A and running the World Bank
That my friend is a character. And they're going with that.
Bridget Jones, the Cenkisty Eels. I mean, it's what's really funny about the Kevin Mayer piece is he kind of dismisses the whole thing, whereas we discovered, because we thought, well, we'll just check this out. There are three films so far, Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones, Edge of Reason, and Bridget Jones, Baby. And they are massive hits, aren't they? Do you want to know how much the first Bridget Jones film cost to make, cost 25 million pounds to make, and made? $250. $280.
At that point, that's when you start talking sequel. Yeah. Right, so let's go to the most recent one, Bridget Jones's baby. You might think of that point, look, it's a bit tired, this is 15 years after the first one. It was a sleeper hit, cost 35 million to make, and made 212 million, because, and actually you talk to people who run cinemas, there's this massive demographic, which is
women. And it turns out that, I mean, stop me, Rander, if this is getting too technical, but women like to hang out with other women and do social things with those women.
And one of the social things they don't want to do is go and watch Godzilla. But amazingly, what they want to do is go and watch films about women. I know, it really makes me laugh all of this. And chaotic women, especially chaotic women. Especially chaotic women. I mean, I think, you know, obviously, I think that perhaps some people who commissioned films think that it's okay to have films about women if the women look like Margot Robbie.
That's it. Like, okay, so, you know, the reason why Barbie succeeded was because it was Margot Robbie, and you're like, no, I mean, she's amazing, but that's not why it's succeeded. It's because it's fun, it's about women, it's great. This is going to be a massive hit, obviously, because Bridget Jones is an entire generation that grew up with her, and now she's going to be middle-aged, finding it difficult to, you know, look after her kid. There's a lot to relate to.
It's also a powerful reminder of the difficulties of writing a daily or weekly column where you're like, what am I going to be enraged about today? That if it's on the bridge, it's you at town. Let's talk this out. Are you really that? No, you're not. You're just trying to get 700 vlogs in there to get your check and get them. We've all been there.
I have to say though I've read the book that this film is going to be based on and much as I absolutely love Helen Fielding's writing she's so funny she's such a great writer it's really good it was fine the book but it was a little bit annoying and I'll tell you why this won't happen in the film but I just need to get it off my chest right okay so the character in her book is a single mother right because in the book Mark Darcy dies spoiler I don't think that's going to happen in real
I mean, maybe it will in the film, we don't know. But anyway, so is it? It's in my draft. How? How does he die in your draft? Hair and overdosing with a phosphoryl. Bridget tracks down the dealer with a nosey. If only. In the book, it's not like that. Forget this, children, 80 million shit. I'm talking a billion dollars here. Bridget Jones terminator.
So in the book is much calmer. So she hasn't got a husband, but she's got a nanny. And that's slightly for me. Who wins it? I have to say. Somewhat undercuts your sympathy for them. It really does. Much as I love the writing and everything like that, you know, you've got a nanny. Yeah. You're not far off. The kid was late for school because the chauffeur couldn't part the me back off enough. Yeah, exactly. So we're going for your version, John.
The headline, she's a menopausal mum of two, but we 20 something's want to be Bridget Jones, says CC Browning in times two, the paper's non depressing pull out. The fourth Bridget Jones film is coming out and apparently women in their twenties are all over the baggy pants neurotic every woman hero with their cellulite and their terrible dating life. Like Bridget, we two are giving up the pursuit of perfection. It says here, me too, did it years ago. Ava, yet again speaking for literally every woman who's ever lived or ever will. Does this ring true?
I just think if she actually had to be in the every woman, then I could buy into this argument. We're told she is. But when you actually look at her, she's not at all. I mean, the entire first film is a focus on how, sorry, you went to do this as a light topic, but I'm going in, all right? The whole film is about how fat she is. And like, she's a size 10.
That is a thin woman. That is a thin woman. The actual every woman, I would say, is Lena Dunham in Girls. She's actually much more of this character that they're trying to push on us. So no, but actually funny enough, Bridget Jones is synonymous with being a bit chaotic, right? Yeah. And I did actually get permission for this. My friend actually messaged me this morning.
that she'd had a real Bridget Jones moment last night, where she had a second date, she fell off her bike on the way to meet him, started crying, begged him to buy her ibuprofen. But he still came back after and it was a lovely date. That's like a chaotic meatcute. Yeah, I guess that's doing a Bridget Jones.
So what I know about Bridget Jones, you can write on the back of a quarter of a postage stamp, but I do get the impression that in this age of performative conspicuous achievements and wellness and it's four o'clock in the morning and then I just woke up to do me spin cycle while having a kombucha.
that, like, her slackness is almost heroic, her refusal to participate, her refusal to be all glammed up, and the fact that she just wanders around, my understanding is she wanders around to their pajamas eating ice cream, is actually authentic.
It would be if it wasn't so performative. I know that you want me to say yes, but I think it's like the frazzled British woman, right? That's what Gen Z really loves. That's why they love Helen of bottom Carter and why they love Kate Winslet. And I think that they're just, the papers are trying to make us feel this about Bridget Jones, but actually she's, she's actually quite perfect.
Yeah? You know, I would never ask you your age, but you're closer to your 20s than I am. Keith Richards is closer to his 20s than I am. Is there any aspect of it ever resonated with you, or can you understand why 20s, some things might be into the idea of it, if not the actuality of it? Or is it all bullshit?
into the idea of being frazzled in a bit all over the place. Yeah, absolutely. Everyone's 20s is such a mess. All of my friends are such a mess. But the one thing as well that I think that people don't like about her is that she lives in that wonderful flat in London Bridge in the first film, and there is no one in their 20s who can afford to do that. So it's jealousy.
Marcus, what's your relationship with the Bridget Jones culture, the cultural touchstone? Well, I am fascinated as to why young people are queuing up to go and see it and are fans of her, but also then maybe they're not. It might be quite a good marketing. Yeah. For it.
If you just say, everyone likes this, people tend to like it these days. I mean, the diarizing of her life, right, which I think Helen Fielding started as an anonymous column in the Independent, I think that is kind of interesting. I mean, what Bridget Jones
did is what now everybody does. She just sort of says, oh, this was a failure. That worked. This didn't have this. That didn't work. And that's what everybody's doing all of the time. Yeah, exactly. Well, I mean, there's a claim that young people are journaling now if by that they mean.
taking lots of pictures of themselves, looking unrealistic and posting them online and giving their data away, then probably that. I'm a little bit skeptical about the idea that they're actually sitting and writing with a pen and journaling. Maybe they are and good, you know?
I'm skeptical of the idea that they've even heard of Bridget Jones. None of the small handful of 20-something I know probably think that Bridget Jones is like the home secretary or something. I'll say this. I think they're great films. I think they're funny and they're charming and they tick in a good way. They tick the boxes of what you want. You've got two devastatingly handsome and charismatic male actors.
fighting over this person who we perpetually told is chaotic and unkempt and late and messy and a failure. And I think that gives people hope and it might be a bit glib, but I mean, it's fun, isn't it?
There's one bit in it that you must agree with, though. It's a vision of dating and relationships is so alien that it seems exotic. The idea of meeting a love interest in real life seems daringly retro, like getting drunk, like a normal person, and suddenly, you're together.
I don't think I've never dated someone I haven't met in real life. So I'm really, I'm kiboshing all of your questions. But you're unusual in that respect. Yeah, I guess all of these people. Yeah, broadly speaking, everything is going on on Hinge and Raya, isn't it? And also a lot of, I think maybe I'm, because I'm just out of Gen Z, I'm just about a millennial. And I think that, like, if I look at my sister and her friends, they would never speak to someone on a night out. They would never also answer the phone. Yeah.
I think if, actually, I think if a man approached him in a bar, I think that they would probably presume he was a sex offender. They just used to do it online. I mean, statistically, they may not be off.
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