Bitesize: 3 subtle differences between ADHD & Narcissism you NEED to know

How can I be sure that my traits are ADHD and not narcissism? So let's break that down. With ADHD, if we look at the diagnostics on ADHD, there's a problem with attention, there's a problem with...

sometimes hyperactivity and we know that there's interpersonal challenges that a person ADHD can have. But we also know within that too, it's massively linked to low self-esteem, it's linked to shame, it's linked to trying to cope with those very strong feelings. But also you have a brain where the executive functioning part of the brain is slower and the person is going to be more prone to being emotionally impulsive or thinking with their feelings a bit quicker. So you have all that stuff going on, which kind of tells you how that brain is working.

But remembering that they're symptomatic of your neurodiversity. And so that's going to play itself out in your life. And recognizing that that's management of ADHD in your life. But in managing ADHD, you're not trying to control other people to try and manage it. If anything, the personates is trying to control themselves.

They're like, they're constantly working on themselves. It's not about, it's about trying to manage it with other people, but they're not trying to control or manipulate or coerce other people.

If anything, the person where ADHD is having a massive job doing all that for themselves. So yet, you can kind of see, oh, well, it's a hyper-focused love bombing. No, sometimes the person at ADHD, they're just trying to feel a bit more secure. So they might kind of get a bit more intense or talk a bit more, but they're not trying to manipulate you.

In fact, in my experience of working with B-Ray DC, which is what I think is a massive gift in it, is they tend to be real sensitive souls.

Like the people that feel deeply and care deeply because of their own lived experience. So I don't meet people ADHD that are trying to be awful to other people. And in fact, when they do say hit the rage button, they feel terrible. They're not proud of themselves. They feel terrible afterwards. You have to pick up all the pieces of, you know, a massively over-apologizing and over-compensating because you feel rubbish about what just happened. Somebody when our system

They won't give that a second. You'll never get the apology from them. That won't happen. They'll burn the bridges, whereas somebody where ADHD would be building multiple bridges because they think they've, they would say it. There are many other similarities. Someone with ADHD might have that are typical of a narcissist, but might not be narcissism. Yeah, so things like, I suppose, be careful why I say here,

You know, the idea of like a sense of entitlement. And the person feels well entitled to only good things happen to them, but they get success. And so that sense of, well, the good things only happen to me. So that can be kind of a sign of somebody maybe is more kind of low-key narcissist, as opposed to kind of being the person who's got the nasty agenda.

or needing to be the sense of attention all the time, because they don't want other people to get attention in the group. I love that, you know, the song by the, I was at a variety of this mission that we hated when our friends become successful, like that kind of person. So instead of them being like, oh, that's great. You got that promotion or whatever. Like, if you're kind of like,

ending the person because they've done well and you take that as a slight against you that you can't be happy for them. Then again, that can be a sign that maybe there's a bit of kind of low key narcissism going on there. So it's a kind of toleration of failure, accepting other people's successes, but also like

Nobody wants to watch the same TV show all the time. That gets boring. And if somebody's out, we're out with people all the time, under the center of attention all the time, we chew now. Nobody wants the same show all the time. And that's when people can start to, well, I'm bored with this now. And the very thing you don't want to happen, where you don't want to lose people, you want people to adore you and to give you that validation, that would be the very thing that will happen, because people just won't want to hang around with somebody like that.

If someone has a ADHD partner and they are trying to figure out if it's ADHD or if there is something more sinister at play, what steps can they take to help them try and figure that out? I does one very pointed question. Would you go and see a psychologist further and see what responds to you? Because if somebody is narcissistic, you're going, that's not happening.

Whereas if somebody who has a sense of there might be a problem here, I might need to just get that checked out, then they won't feel threatened by that suggestion. They'll probably welcome and go, Oh God, yeah, that's a great idea. So they won't see that as in any way threatening to their ego. But if somebody fears being exposed,

or that the house of cards is wobbling, then that won't be seen as something positive. That would be seen as something threatening. I'd ask that question very gently and just see what response you get. If you get a bit of defense, that's okay. Sometimes we can be quite sensitive with these things.

I wouldn't back away just because you've got a defensive response. I go back in again and revisit the conversation. But if you're constantly getting defense and the person is shutting down, then I think you need to think about, OK, well, what's happening? Because I'm not threatening the person and I'm not threatening to leave if they won't go to get some help. But if they're not open to discussion,

Then I think you need to think about, well, why won't it even communicate about this? Because it's just a conversation. And where is the threat in that? So cure for narcissism. And if not, what do you think might be a factor that perpetuates it? There's no cure for it, sadly. I mean, it can be managed. Yeah. But there's no known cure for NPD.

There's loads of things that can perpetuate it, so we don't know the origins of it. I think we kind of some research to say it's genetic, we don't know that. But what can perpetuate it is if the person is surrounded by people, has surrounded themselves by people who won't call them out.

Interesting when the narcissist is people will stay in the non our system cells, but they see the value in staying in that transaction relationship with the narcissist. So if the narcissist gives them popularity, power, financial benefit, then

It's an enabling relationship. So the person is enabling the narcissist because they're benefiting. So it's a transactional relationship. So as long as the relationship stays transactional, then everybody's getting what they want. So that being the case and the narcissist can surround themselves with enabling people, which of course then means that the narcissist is only going to grow. It's not going to, it's not going to lessen. When dating, how can someone spot a narcissist before it's too late? It's a tricky one.

I think the answer to that is you've really got to educate yourself on what narcissism is. And I often say to my patients, like, we have a good feeling for a reason. So you're a good feeling. We're not quite sure what that is, but what we think it might be is our unconscious can speak to us. We can't go, hey, be careful. What's other? It's not enough to do that, but it can kind of send us information in a more kind of sensory or physical way. So that kind of,

gut feeling, which is like, what's this? I don't know what it is, but what's the timing? So trust your gut. If something seems too good to be true, it is. If this person seems like they've walked off a movie set of your favorite romcom, chances are that's exactly what's going on here. So I think you need to really educate yourself around narcissism and the fact that what somebody who's a narcissist behaves like. So if it's

Love bombing, if it's making you feel special very quickly, if the relationship is moving very fast, but you're kind of getting swept away with it, then if you say to somebody, let's slow it down. If they genuinely interested in you, that won't be threatening. Oh yeah, maybe we are going to be fast. So that won't be seen as any kind of sign that you're losing interest or

that the relationship is in danger. But if the narcissist has an agenda and the agenda is to love by me to get you on board, they won't want that.

They won't want to slow it down. They will spin that ass, but I adore you and I'm just showing you my feelings. So again, it becomes your problem that, well, you're the problem present with the brand because you want to slow it down. Whereas I'm just doing what I naturally do because I love you so much. So again, you need to be very, it's very subtle and it won't be sinister in the early stages.

But again, watch what's happening and listen to yourself and listen to other people. People around you, if people you trust, they have no agenda, ask them what they think and listen to them. Because what the narcissist wants you to do is only listen to them.