Bitesize | 3 RSD lessons from a late diagnosed ADHD woman

Have you made any steps since you were last on to manage your RSD? Has it cropped up much?

Yeah, I think it's always there, isn't it? I think I actually saw a video recently by a girl I know, Colana, who makes really great videos about autism and ADHD. And she was doing like a skit about all the different ways that RSD shows up. And I think I watched it and I was like, oh my goodness, I hadn't even thought of that. But I can't even remember the examples, but it was similar to what we were saying earlier about the sending the text when you

left the party earlier. She was like saying things about like, oh, because of my RSD, I don't take my problem to somebody because it's like, oh, well, if I go to them with this, then they might sort of not give me the answer that I'm asking for or they might

not agree with my other might tell me that I'm in the wrong. So I just don't go to people with things and like basically like all of the ways that we isolate ourselves. And I, um, yeah, I think that was like, Oh God, I hadn't even realized that I do so much. Cause I think we think when we talk about it a lot, it's like that, that feeling of like,

the rejection feeling. But I think I'd not really thought about almost like all of the things that I do to avoid getting to that point of even getting the chance of the rejection feeling happening full stop. I think I do a lot of that of keeping everyone at arm's length and being very

sort of controlled with what I, like the relationships I have with people I guess. I think, yeah, I've definitely sort of realized recently, actually I really do, like I would, I have a lot more friends than I did pre-diagnosis, but they're very controlled friendships where I don't see them that often or it's mostly over like the internet or I wouldn't like go to them if I was really upset or all of those things. So I think, yeah, still definitely in the, I think I probably don't have as many of the like,

like that horrible like got sinking feeling of like, oh God, everyone hates me. The world is going to end. But I think actually that's maybe because I've done all of the preventative measures to make sure I get there in the first place. Yeah, I think it's a really tricky one. I think we, one of the tips in the book is the framework from Leanne, who has been on the podcast, I believe. And it's what I learned in her as she coaching.

training and it's like a reframing rejection framework. So it's like questions to ask yourself of like, okay, what, what am I believing? What is the thought that I'm choosing to believe? So you think, I don't know, I forgot to text my friend back. So like she hates me and I'm never like, I'm a rubbish friend and I'm never going to have any friends and no one's ever going to like me. And it's like, okay, what are the

consequences if I choose to believe that thought. So it's like, well, I'm going to distance myself from her. I might distance myself from other people because I feel like I'm a bad friend and everyone's going to hate me. I'm going to be sad. I'm going to feel rubbish. I'm going to all like this, all of the consequences of believing that thought. And then it's like, okay, what's the complete opposite of that thought that I'm choosing to believe? So it's like,

I am a good friend and I am loved." And then it's like, okay, well, what are the consequences of believing that thought? Well, I'll be more present in my relationships. I'll feel happier, like I'll open up to people more, I will feel better in myself. And then it's like sort of making that conscious decision of like, okay, well, which thought do I want to choose to believe then? And sort of like doing evidence for both of them as well. So what evidence do you have that everyone hates you?

probably quite little, it's probably more of a gut feeling, whereas the evidence for I am a good friend and I am loved, you probably have a lot of that if you look for it. I think that's a helpful thing to, because it's anything but logical, isn't it, when you're in that moment, it's just like that having an emotional state. So I think trying to like, have that step in and have that breather and then be more logical about it.

definitely doesn't stop the feeling from happening, but I think it allows you to pull yourself out of that spiral a bit more, which I think is something that I'm trying to get better at. I think it's always difficult to sort of like

Because that feeling is always gonna be there and it's always gonna show up and it's never gonna, I think it's, well, I feel as though that will, that gut feeling will always be there, but it's then how I bring myself out of that. So I think it's difficult to measure because it's like, oh, I'm still having that feeling, but it's like, actually, well, am I letting that ruin the rest of my day? Or am I able to go, right, okay, that's how it felt in the moment, but I could understand logically that that's not the case and then move forward. That's still a win, even though you still have to have like that gut feeling to start off with.

It's true, there's no evidence. If you leave the party early, no one's text me or saying, you were rude, but text don't come, but it's a first step to try and alleviate that feeling. You said earlier, and you said before, that you take things quite literally. That, I guess, plus perhaps being quite blunt in conversation, that must create

confusion in conversation with romantic partners, with peers, colleagues. How does that confusion clash with your RSD? Yeah, I think it's similar to that feeling like what we said about like being misunderstood that it just, it's like, oh God, this is not going how I want it to go. And this is, I think something that really upsets me or really, really gets to me is when somebody who I consider to know me,

sort of misunderstands or misinterprets my intentions if they think that I've had a bad intention with doing something that always really really upsets me because I like can understand if a stranger you know thinks that I've been rude or blunt because I am quite blunt and if they don't have that context of knowing where the bluntness comes from then I like that's like that's fine if they don't they think that but when it's somebody that I'm like

Oh, but you know me so you should know that my heart would never like I am the softest person in the world. You should know that I don't mean it in that way. That really bothers me. Like I guess RSD just everything like I don't know if I like

snap at somebody because I'm overstimulated or whatever, and then they maybe snap back and all they say like, oh, that was not very, you know, they take that in a bad way. And I'm like, oh, but you should know that that's, I'm not actually being nasty to you. I just couldn't help it in that very moment. I couldn't control my toe and I was just overstimulated. I think that's a really difficult one. But then I think it's even more difficult because you couldn't like

put yourself in, like I think of like my mum is probably the person that experiences most of those snaps because she's my support worker as well. So in a stressful work situation, she's the one that's there and in a stressful home situation, it's normally a mum that's there. And so she is probably the one that gets most frequently those little snaps.

And I think, well, if it upsets me that she thinks, or if she thinks that I'm being nasty or whatever, but if I put myself in my mum's shoes and I was being snapped at, I wouldn't like that either. So I think it's really difficult because you're like, oh, I can understand why you feel that way. You're not just going to have someone snap at you and then go, OK, that's great. I hope that's brilliant. And you're going to react to that. You're going to feel some kind of way with it. So it's a really, I think,

Communication is a really big thing like after the fact of being that I'm sorry I got bit heated there and learning to be more direct with. I think one thing that I'm really conscious of and asking other people to be more conscious of with me is like

remind me frequently that you love me, or like me, or care about me, and I will do the same for you. So then when those heated moments happen, it's easier to have, I guess, that evidence of, like, honor. She does love me. It's just a snap. It's just that I've been overstimulated or whatever. Because my mum will say, like,

sometimes like all the time she's like oh you know that like you know that we love you so much you know that do anything for you and i'm like yeah i do know but i sometimes i just need you to remind me of that where everything feels a bit overwhelming so yeah i think that's a big one that i'm trying to

get okay with knowing that I need to ask for because I think in so many situations like to ask a parent to tell you that they love you more feels their skill that comes with that because it's almost like you're telling them they've not been a good enough parent that you know it deeply but then I think like in a friendship that feels very intense or in a romantic relationship I think that would feel very like needy to say like can you please tell me that you love me so I think there's so many like awkward feelings that come with that but I think yeah

I guess, trialing in a family situation as being like, I just need to hear that sometimes. So getting used to telling people that that's in the same way that I need an agenda before a meeting. I also need to be reminded of that I am loved and cared for and supported. So I think, yeah, trying to get comfortable with asking for those things that feel slightly more uncomfortable to ask for.

I mean, there's a lot there. I mean, I snapped because I was overstimulated. There's a lot of empowerment just in that sentence. There's a lot of self-awareness just in that sentence. I saw a meme the other day and it said, I can't be held responsible for my actions when there's multiple noises happening at the same time. And it's funny, but it's hugely relatable. And going through your life,

not recognizing that you get overstimulated and not understanding why you're having those snaps. I mean, that's the damage we're talking about years and years of people not understanding why they're snapping. And you just saying, I snapped because I was overstimulated.

That's awareness right there. And I think more and more people are having this realization. Imagine how many relationships have ended because of people not understanding that actually it's because there's overstimulation at play and it's not something personal. I think it's both sides as well. So I think it's like the person on the other end, they're just like, well, why does this person always stop at me and raise their voice at me or get angry at me or whatever. But then I think you as the

snapper, you feel like I must be horrible, but look at me, I'm shouting at my mum, I'm shouting at my partner, I'm an awful person, I'm horrible. That is just as awful for you, I think, as it is for the person that's probably on the receiving end of those snaps as well. So yeah, I think with everything, I think so much of it is just like context is the best thing that you can have.