Best of 2024: Live

Benito, James Acaster here. I forgot to record an advert for my new special, Hitler's Welcome, which is going to be on Sky, now TV and HBO Max. It's on all of those right now. I'm very proud of it. Can you put this at the beginning of the next episode so that people know the special is out, please? Because I'd like them to know. OK, I hope you're having a good day, Benito. Bye.

Well, weren't expecting to see us, were you? We couldn't do the best of episodes and not include any of the 15 live episodes we put out this year. We took off menu on tour in 2023 and released all of the episodes for you to hear this year. The shows were largely absolute chaos. Congratulations on those live shows. Congratulations on the live shows to yourself. They really were live shares. So fucking hell.

It's the end of the year, guys. Some guests were absolutely at it right from the get-go. Let's hear from Frankie Boyle, Jamilia, Amelia Demoldenburg and Sam Campbell. Are you a foodie, Frankie? Do you like food?

I love food, and I think about little else, but food. But I wouldn't really call myself a foodie, because I think to be a foodie, you have to enjoy finer delicacies. I have quite plain tastes. I can't eat something like oysters, which is basically just licking gum off the back of a tortoise.

You know, somehow that doesn't put me on oysters. I went to a really fancy restaurant. If I went to like Noma in Copenhagen, like they're doing wild stuff, and they brought me out a tortoise. And they went, let's come on the back of that. I'd go, yeah, give it a go. Keep late. There will be soon.

I don't know why we've gone so low swearly. Oh, it's not. And I'd say we. Is it the tortoises come? Or is it another animal? Taste it and see, do you know? It'd be very impressive the tortoise could come on their own back. It's also the texture of a oyster, isn't it? You don't. Unless your favourite texture is a corpse, is clitoris.

But there are other fits, I like. What a way to find out that's my favourite texture. That's probably the best way to find that out. We always start with still a sparkly boy. I feel a sparkly boy to thank you. What are you going to compare these with?

and we're really moving straight into still-in-spackling water. But you're now just terrified and you're going to huckle me off. Huckle means to move someone. I do actually need to be told this. I don't know what happened. There are some Scottish expressions that aren't any real translation for. Let someone be at it. Do you know what I mean? You can't really explain to an English person what that is without like Captain Tom's family are at it.

No idea. Obviously no, Captain Thomas. Yeah, but you know it was family or at it, right? Yeah. If they were on now, we'd huckle them off, for sure. What are you doing, James? Huh? What are you doing? Yeah, sorry. Thank you. We do not want James here. We need the genie here. Everyone, imagine. Imagine you're rubbing it.

Welcome to media to the dream. That's a big entrance to follow up. It was a bit rubbish for me because I could see him crouching. Sorry. That never happened to me. There's lying on the pot. It's a real shame. That would be that would be a terrible journey. If you if you got a lamp and you opened it up and you could see him just in there like that.

That would be less magic, wouldn't it? Yeah. That's quite demeaning for the poor genie, actually. That's why you should rub it first. Do you really just did a face that suggested, what sort of podcast have I come on? The best podcast in the nation. Yeah. One off. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. We got, for me, slimylyard.

We've got Jan's land, the early doors. I know we were jamming in Slamming tonight. Don't you apologise, Jamilia? That is the perfect response to that. Yeah, you've got us, man. What are the other good podcasts? You've got any favourites? I mean, we don't normally do. Shout out to the podcast. The only podcast I listen to is the off-menu podcast.

And judging by the chat we had before you came out here, you listened to it for the first time in the car all the way in. I said I was doing research. I wanted to make sure. Because you usually have comedians on, so I was like, oh, what could be a funny answer to that? But now I'm just going to answer, honestly. You don't need to think of a funny answer. You've come straight out here and slammed us into hell. You've got this, Jamili.

Also, you're a fan of our work in general, aren't you, Jamilia? You saw us on, you were saying to us backstage, and then you said, actually, no, I'll save it for when we're on stage. But you were going to compliment us, I think?

I feel like we're starting off on the wrong foot now. So basically what I told them in the dressing room was that I watched them on Hunted and I was very annoyed. Because they weren't playing the game properly, they were messing about. That was Jamilia's first words to us. I saw you on Celebrity Hunted and we were like, here we go. She went, I actually found you quite annoying.

I really did. But I was really excited when I got asked to do this. I was like, oh, OK. That should be fun. Because you are funny. And I like to laugh. So I'm like, should I go home? Oh my god. What was it? Sorry to dwell on this.

What was it that we did on Celebrity Hunter that you found particularly annoying? We tried our best on that. I just don't think you did. You just kept doing silly things, letting everyone see where you were, telling people where you were. It's supposed to be hiding. It's like a hide and seek, but you were like, we're here. The last thing I'll expect.

They're trying to catch you. If you keep saying, here we are, we're here and showing them the face. They're going to go and can't be that easy. And they leave you alone. That was our thinking. Yeah. And then you shot them with we? No, no, I shot them with water, but I told them it was pissed. More mind games, Jamilia. You've got to do this when you're on the run.

And what we found is the best way to live your life is to anger ex-cops of military men by telling them that you're spraying them with piss. Because then they really rough you up quite a lot. So you don't even get the pleasure of actually shooting them with piss and you still get beaten up. They didn't like us at all when we did that to them, to be fair. But in general I thought we did really well on hunted.

We weren't verminable fountains. We came straight to the vermin. We came straight to the vermin. Straight here. Yeah. Straight here. Yes! Because I remember I recognised where you were. Yeah. I was like, own that town. Could you rent town? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's not good if people have recognised where we are actually. Hearing that out loud. We came and we instantly got Tiger Bytes pig bow buns when we got on the run. That was our first one. That wasn't our first food on the run. We immediately went to a Michelin star restaurant. I had a...

That was in trees, but we did quite a lot before talking about string. Yes, again, we're not there now. And then we went to Birmingham. You three shoes out the window on the way there. I had to give you a picky back through some of Birmingham streets because it was covered in glass and needles.

And then James bought a wig, bright pink wig. Which, bear in mind your media, I don't normally have bright pink hair. Can you see why it was a noise? What would you do if you were on the run and you were being hunted? What would be your first course of action?

Well, obviously, I wouldn't use any cards. I wouldn't use my social media. I wouldn't turn a famous restaurant. Sorry, I'm not shading you, but I just wouldn't do everything that you guys did.

So we served a purpose in a way for... Yeah, I guess so. You're foodie? Are you a foodie? Is this going well or really bad? I'm not sure. It's got... Every time you say anything, everyone pisses themselves laughing. So I think it's going well and it's at our expense as well. So from our perspective, we feel like shit, but you're really breaking it. I'm loving it. I mean, this is how most people treat me all the time.

OK. I'm sorry. Because I'm really excited to be here. We're very excited to have you. Yes, we are. Very excited. Now, especially with this backdrop is wicked. The set's mad, isn't it? Yeah. It feels unnecessary. Once we sat down to have a chat with you, it just, yeah, it does not feel necessary at all, does it? Yeah. What was the vibe that you told the designers? Yeah. There she comes again.

Slam jam, baby. Slam jam. We basically said, just do as many fart clowns as possible. It's a bad food. That's the poppodom behind us, the poppodom there. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Were you wondering what that was? About half the audience went, oh. I didn't think it was. I thought it was the moon, but OK.

I think it's the moon, Matt. You guys know that that's a lamp, right? Because I had a whole thing with that a minute ago, and that's embarrassing, if not. You're a foodie, Jamilia.

I really am, like, in every way, like, yeah, scarily so. No, not scarily so. Everybody likes food, don't they? Yeah, these people do, for sure. But you definitely do. Come to a podcast about food, like, come on, you're here. Sorry, sorry. No, good on you. If you get scared of food, you're in the wrong show, motherfucker.

I feel like I'm being really rude. I'm not a rude person at all. No, you're not. Anyway, I know you didn't catch the entire way the first half, but I call one man a cunt three times. You're not being moved. OK. You're all right. You're all right. You're the height of manners compared to what they like to tolerate at the start of the evening. And you're right. These people love food. For example, there's a woman over there who regularly drinks soy sauce. Drinks. Yep.

Swinks out the bottle while she's cooking to trick herself into thinking it's normal. It's not. You just got Slamelian. Jan's land. I'd commissioned this TV show. Yeah. Just an audience with Jamelian but she just slams everyone. And then looks really guilty about it immediately afterwards. Yeah.

It's got a funny quirk. I think it's normal. It's not applause. I'm so sorry. I feel awful. I slimy idiot. I'm trying to stop slamming people. Do you cook as well, Amelia? I love cooking. I recently got to the final, well, final five. But you're still the final of Master Chef? I saw it. I will mention that a few times. I watch it. I actually find it quite annoying on that.

Me too. Now this seems like a bit of a redundant question because obviously you work with food but are you a foodie?

Well, we always ask people their food, but I feel like it's rude when someone does like chicken shop dates and then I'm saying, are you a foodie? Well, it does make sense, you know, having a dating show in a chicken shop, but I would be a really, really big foodie. I needed a cooking show as well, right? Yeah, I did a cooking show. Yeah, but I can't cook. I'm not a foodie, sorry.

All right, don't say sorry, this is great. We've had loads of non-foodies on the pot. Yeah, I'm not a foodie. I eat. I've eaten food, but not a foodie. How often? Like three times a day. Ooh! What about you? Yeah, three times a day. Yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Six, seven. Oh, whoa. Crazy. He's a pretty crazy guy. Yeah, I'm a crazy guy. I've got a real problem. When you met Ed, did you think he was crazy? Yeah.

That guy is crazy. Cool tattoos. Thank you very much, Amelia. OK. Would you like me to take you through them? No. OK. Absolutely fair enough. Yeah. If you had to get an item of food tattoo. No, I don't want to. I'm tattoo-less. If you had to. No. No. No. If you just for the sake of info. No.

You? Big type of ice cream, probably. Oh, yeah. Yeah, big type of ice cream. Where? Oh, there's a full body tap for my waist to just here. So you were going to see it if I was wearing a top. OK. Maybe a surprise. Wow. Do you have a girlfriend right now?

Um, I did have going into this podcast. Yes. Yeah. I was going to say not for a long time. Many times on stage and just suddenly at a full body of a tub of ice cream. Yeah. What flavor would you get? I guess I wouldn't maybe just want the ice cream tub to say my name on it. Okay. In case you forget your name. Just James A. Castor on the tub of ice cream. Yeah. Tasty. Yeah. What are you on about?

Well, I want it to be personalised, you know, so I think I would, like, have it that, like, it's a victim of ice cream and it's a spoon in it. It's a spoon in it. There's a spoon, like, it lids off. It's dangerous. It lids off. There's a spoon coming out. Probably ends up my armpit, the spoon coming out of the thing. And then, it's like a Ben and Jerry's, but I said Ben and Jerry's and what flavour just says, um, James A. Cass. Nice. Is that the flavour as well? As it just say, James, I feel like we're going too far into detail here with this, immediately. No, I don't think we are. I think we just carry on.

Is there a flavour on it, or instead of Ben and Jerry's does it say James Acaster? No, it tastes like James. It tastes like... Oh, so do you think James has put James Acaster on it? So when people lick his body, it's like they're eating an ice cream that there's a flavour of him? Yes. OK. James? Yes. Without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Sam Campbell!

Welcome Sam. Thank you so much. Sorry, can I just say on behalf of all of us, on behalf of the City of Nottingham and on behalf of the entire Midlands region. Thank you so much for a delicious and spellbinding evening. Take a seat please Sam. Sorry, can I just say?

I mean, this means a lot to me. I've been a casualty of the loneliness epidemic. I've faced a lot of obstacles, you know? I'll tell you what, the man upstairs really knows how to throw a curveball. But I was never truly alone.

Because every Wednesday, my body is filled with a warmth that enters through my ears in the form of the most amazing podcast. I've been to so many places with so many incredible people. I've smiled with excitement as Scoopius Pip describes his crazy pizza. I've... I've... I've trembled with delight as...

as Claudia Winkleman describes her most perfect tuna melt. I gasped as the magician Dynamo talks about his corned beef hash. I was never alone because I was with you guys. You've gotten me through so many storms. Thank you, Sam. Thank you, Sam.

Now, just like the regular episodes, the live shows were full of great foody chat, and some not so delicious descriptions of food. Here's Ellis James, John Robbins, Susan McEimer, Ian Sternen, Emilia de Moldenburg, Frankie Boyle, and Joe Wilkinson.

I think the enthusiasm can occasionally be quite irritating. I remember in the first couple of weeks of lockdown, Izzy was down. She was anxious. She was pissed off, especially in the morning. His wife. And after both. Yeah. Yeah.

14 days. I thought, I need to broach this. I was like, what is it? Is it, is it what's happening to our careers? Is it the fact there's a global pandemic and we don't know what's causing this thing? And she went, no, no, it's not that. It's when you eat weetabix. You don't realize you do it, do you? And I said, what do you mean? She went, you don't know you do this thing. And I said, what? And she went, when you eat weetabix with every fucking mouthful, you say,

Mmm, yeah. The fact that it's fucking wheat a bit. So it's like... Mmm, yeah. What do you have on your wheat a bit?

plain plain, just with milk. So I'm trying to cut down on sugar. But I really, I've switched over to porridge now. And what do you say when you're in porridge? Yeah, I'd have a do. No, but sometimes at night I will think to myself less than eight hours to go.

Then it's bondage time. I bloody love it. And then she used to say as well, when you pour squash into a pint glass, you sort of go, because you can't wait. And you don't seem to be bothered by this pandemic, but I am. Because for you, it's just more wee to bits than squash time. The little detail in that story that after two weeks you asked your wife what was wrong.

All right, what is it? The guy called Pandemic, is that what I suppose? I just thought he was general worry about the pandemic, but he was having a very specific thing. And then, you're still not understanding what I'm saying. I'm saying it's mad to leave it two weeks before you check to be your partner's OK, and what's wrong with that? You're going, no, you don't understand. But I thought it was general worry.

So I left it. I checked. Oh, yeah, we were talking about general worries a lot. But that wasn't the headline. The headline act was me going, mmm, yeah, every time I, I, Weetabix, but the fact is, if you've said, mmm, yeah, every time you have a mouthful of us, Weetabix, for as long as you've lived, it's a really hard habit to get out of. For as long as you've lived.

Were you aware that you did it before it was thought you were out to? No. So then, next morning, I didn't have the chat. I've got the spoon. I was fucking trembling. I was like, I can't say it, man. You can't say it. She's going to lose her fucking mind. If you say it, no matter how much you're enjoying the sweeter bicks, you've got to pretend it's a normal cereal, man. She is on the edge. So then I'd have a mouthful. I'd be like,

Pretend it's a normal cereal. Yeah, not a fancy and tasty one, like with the books. Pretend this is just a normal boring cereal. Just a normal boring cereal, and I like them all.

But wait a bit, at the time... Is that at the top for you, wait a bit, serial wise? No, I would say historically special K. What? How do you think I'm bikini beach body ready Ed? It's just bowl after bowl of special K. I mean, a long time ago, Korkabobs.

But Coco Pops, sugar's had a bad press over the last sort of 60 years, so I've kind of... I've tried to quite radically change the way I eat over the last... But you had a lot of Coco Pops back in the day. Back in the... Oh, I mean up to about... Up to about the sort of end of Britpop. Coco Brit Pops, famously. Sorry, I'm only sick. Why is that like that?

I'm just having a really good time. It's like go on T4. Would you have a brown flakes with bay leaves? A big fun of brown flicks with bay leaves. Yeah, of course. With bay leaves. Yeah, yeah, someone here, that's what the dream meal is. No, I used to eat over the summer holidays, brown flicks, sweet debicks, old brown and coca pops in the same bowl.

Is that all in the same bowl? All in the same bowl. Did you have a name for that cereal? Yeah, cereal time. All brand, weetabix. And brown flakes, you say. And coca-pops. Oh, a coca-pops. So that's like the fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stood with my cousin. And then... Good to know what clips we're going to get out for the trailer of this episode. Yeah, yeah.

I thought a lot about my choices and I realized how much the way I eat has changed, because it's no disrespect to my mother, but we used to have the same

meal on every night. There was a rota, like a seven day rota. I remember this. I remember you had a routine about it. Yes. And if you are going to list the foods that you had, then I would like you to do it in the way that you did it in the routine years ago, which was you did it like a top of the pops run down. Yes. Yes. I'd forgotten about that. Monday night chicken tonight. Yeah, but that's this isn't how you did it. You went. You went.

I feel like chicken tonight, well we're lucky because you're having it tonight, it's Monday night and it's always chicken tonight.

Yeah, Thursday night was pizza because my mother had a raw bix. So you needed something quick, Friday night, obviously fish. And so when I went to university, I was exposed to new tastes. What was the first new taste you were exposed to at university? Black pepper. Wow. Where were you going to university? Delhi? This is incredible.

I lived with a girl called Caroline who'd been privately educated. She was a really good cook. She liked to cook. I lived with her in a second and third year, and her boyfriend, Chris. She introduced me to Rosotto. That was great. She also introduced me to Coriander. She made a current Coriander soup, and I was so overwhelmed by it.

And at the end of the bowl, I kissed her on the cheek. I said, thank you. What the fuck was that? And she was like, kiss Callet and Coriander Superlice. And I was like, well, I'm now. I'm going to eat it every day for the rest of my life. Well,

The next one, I think there's the cheese course, which is just very quick. Cheese course. No, no, no. This is good news. It's good news. And cheese course is good news. That means that the dessert is a proper dessert and we're not skipping it. If anything, I'm pro cheese course. So the... I don't know what's kissed a girl there.

So the cheese course is very simply the cheese, which is a cheese. It was known as, in my family, known as the cheese. And my stepdad, whenever he went down to Somerset, because he loved Somerset, so he'd go down to Somerset. Quite a lot of work down there. He would bring back the cheese, which is a big

a wheel of cheddar in Blackwax from a company, it's the Maryland Farm Mature Cheddar Cheese. And anyone who tasted this cheese said, you got to sort me out with some of this cheese. This is insane. I thought I knew cheddar. Yeah, yeah. Everyone would say this, right? Honestly, word for word, everyone would say that. Everyone would say word for word. I got to get me some of the cheddar. Yeah.

And then they'd leave it there? They'd say, I thought I knew cheddar until I tasted the cheese. So then... Wipe that on a t-shirt? Then, when the next time my stepdad went down to Somerset, I'd have to say, oh, can you sort my friend Sam's mum out with some of your cheese? Awful sentence out of context.

So he'd be like, well, I don't know what it's like 15 quid for an enormous like four kilos of cheese. And he'd say, well, yeah, they can pay me back or whatever. I'll bring it up. Before you know it, he's bringing back quite a lot of cheese from Somerset into, you know, Avon and North Somerset. That's the border. Well, yeah, it becomes a county line's drug operation.

But I mean, I'm not kidding. He would come back with like four wheels of this cheese, one for me, one for my friend Sam, one for my friend Sam's mum, one for, you know, someone else. How fucking Sam can't share one with his mum. What's going on? But once you start- Were they a broken home as well? No. Once you start eating this cheese, you just eat a whole wheel of cheese. It's mad, it's mad, and I would go round. I'd go from mine where we'd be eating the cheese. I'd go round to Sam's house.

They'd be sat in their kitchen, just cutting off slices of cheese eating this cheese. It's so creamy, it's so tangy. Do people not usually talk this long about their choices? They do. Don't you know what? I love it. I want to try the cheese. To be fair, you do it absolutely nothing wrong if this was a studio recorded episode. He said on the thing, an hour and a half. Really?

Well then, you were in the right, and I don't know how I'm getting back to London, did I? Do you want anything with the cheese? Taxi for James? My drink of choice is a Craig David. OK. Now, again, I don't think you're using that phrase right.

And he's like, UK damage singer. Yeah, there's a drink called... Who knows what a Craig David is? Go, wait. It's a real drink. Right, so what is... Was it the same guy who taught you that one? No, this was me. This is my favourite late night drink season. You take Robinson's orange wine. And you top it up with cold water.

He makin' Craig David's down there. I'm trying to get this like, mama, I'm makin' him Craig David. Make me a Craig David while you're makin' him actually. I'm makin' him a Craig David and you make me one. Talkin' for a Jack on Tuesday.

So the Craig David. Tell me what's the flavour. You did it, you did it. Amazing. What would you do, Fry? Which chocolate bar are you deep frying? Out of any chocolate bar. Oh, it's a question for me. Thank you, Ed. I'll move on to it. Sorry. I guess if I was to fry any chocolate bar,

Oh, my God. Ask him first. This is really hard. If you want for structural integrity, I've seen them all fried. What do you mean you've seen them all fried? Pretty much I've seen them all fried. But what do you mean you've seen them all fried? Well, you've been in Edinburgh long enough. You've seen enough people ordering, because like tourists do it. And then you think, oh, I'm not going to do that. It's for tourists. And then you get drunk and you've got a twix in your hand.

Can you demonstrate a tourist asking for a twig? Good evening, Tia. Hang on. My voice broke. Hey, my great grandpappy visited these fairiles many moons ago. And he always wanted a nice piece of chips. Piece of chips with a deep fried twigs.

He was quarking out those ways. So can I please, young man, sir, have my Twix deep rap. No pun intended. Momma. Happy bye. So Twix for you.

Yeah, one thing worse at the round, no round of applause is someone trying. And 3,000 people going, absolutely not. No. I just wanted to hear more from the character. Not today. Best for structural integrity, double deca. Yeah. Honestly, once it's been fried, you bite into it. It's like nothing happens to it. Oh, it's just like, and what? I'm not sure that's it.

All of us, what are them? All of us deep-fried double deckers. That's what I want. I don't want a deep-fried mouse bar. See, the Mars bars are inside like... Yeah, if that's gonna scorch my mouth, that's not what my great-grandpa be died for. I'd rather have a deep-fried double decker, please. Double decker, snickers, I think, will all agree. Cream egg? Cream eggs, but again, I mean, that is a... That is a... They are devil's spore.

I'd rather skydive than even know. I love that, like, when you had gazpacho, you didn't know it was meant to be cold, but you are a connoisseur when it comes to teeth throwing out gazlots. Structural integrity. Every single chocolate for any chocolate bar in. Well, you're playing with fire then. Top 15. Top 15. Top 15. Top 15. Find chocolate for me in Staling.

This audience just heads up, they love Top 15. Yeah, they love Top 15. It's from about 14 to 2, it's really going to feel like they don't love it. But they're with you. I mean, it's up to you if you want to have to.

And considering how they're on, I forgot the word for wet wipe. I think 15 chocolate bars are the stretch. Yeah. Well, this cream egg would be 15, worst. OK. That's bottom. Bounty, 14. OK, we're doing it. You can't... You can't not do it now. You can't go into 14 and then not finish it. Well, Maltesas would be fun, but 13.

They would be fun. It's one of those fun ideas. They would dissolve in the fat. Wouldn't they if you think about it? Yeah, it would just be more battered than anything else. The 13, 12 milky butt. Yeah, that's too soft. You're not getting any of the fat. Yeah, you're right. There's a lull in that. Yeah, but...

You've got to hold strong because what they're actually doing is they are fascinated into silence. They're fascinated, they're compiling their top 15s in their head. I've never been anywhere before where top 15s is even a fin. Why not a top 10? Glad to go.

They're obsessed with top 15s, not top 5s or top 10s, it's like those people. It's got to be top 15s. Yeah. Top 15s. What am I? You've done 4. You've done 11 dairy milk, 10 fruit and nut.

OK. Well, that's interesting because you said the nuts caused. The nuts in Snickers helped with structural integrity. That's why it's above the fruit and nut. What's that now? What number is that? Fruit and nuts 10. Above the dairy milk because it's got no structural integrity. Fruit and nuts 10. Yeah, but that's quite low down for something with nuts, which, as we know, provides structural integrity. But we're nowhere near the nougat based snacks, yeah.

Yeah. Can I say as well? Well, mate, it was a milky way. We're commenting a lot on audience reaction, but I would happily have this conversation to silence and carry on, because it's so up my street. Yeah. Do you know that? We're in the top 10 now. We're in the top. We're in. We're in. This is great. So number nine. Oh, my God. Daimba. Daimba. That would be a sip once it was finished.

Fucking you, you, you, look man, you put your head in the dragon's mouth. You took your life into your own hands there, we can't do anything for you. Would it take, do you think a dime borrowed and metal? It would be a sip with just some caramelly croutons. But that's rock hard in the middle. You're talking about structural integrity. That is like a fucking iron bar. That is incredible. Iron brew bar number nine. That is not chocolate, Ian. It's whatever you want. It's, it's not legal, is it? Oh, so it can be what you eat.

Chocolate orange, who said that? Right, we might have a spoiler for the top five. A deep fried chocolate orange. Yeah. Just ate like a bite. Oh, so you're not going individual segments battered. You're doing the whole thing. Not the whole thing. I dip my hand in like that. Fingers fried. Worth it. Yeah. Worth it.

I might lose a hand, but it's in the name of science. Yeah, good on you, man. You're mate from the Edamame, who's been eating a chocolate orange with the foils for the long. So, where are we in the list now? Seven now. Seven star bar. Star bar. That was suggested, but I was always going to be seven.

I like how as we get closer to the top five and we're running out of things, you're shouting out more because you're so anxious that your favourites isn't going to be in the list. Yeah. Please! Sex bounty. Oh, I thought bounty was... Ian. Bounty, I think... I think celebrations bounty. Which tastes better than bounty. Interesting. Man, I've never been so glad to have done a top 15 in my life.

This is controversial stuff. This might genuinely be the most stressed on stage I've ever been in my life. Five. Boost. Boost. Boost number five. What is interesting about this top 15, and I've seen a lot of top 15, is you're running through the list as if you've got it pre-planned in your head. Every time you say a number, the first thing that someone else shouts, that's what you say. Number five, boost, boost.

That's not true. Number four. What he said. Oh my God. That should be a law passed that can only be said in a Scottish accent. That was... I got a bono when I heard that. That was incredible. Absolutely. A curly-wirly bono at that.

Amazing. Yeah, I've never heard that said in the Scottish House before. It was, it was incredible. Carly Marley. It was the way he said it. I imagined his eyes that she rolled him round in his head. It was so perfect. So look, he just walked up. Yeah. They went back. You know what? There's a chocolate bar that I can't believe hasn't been said yet. And if it isn't said,

This is what, that's what I was hoping will be brought up. The KitKat Chunky. The KitKat Chunky. Well, we've got spoiler all out. Uh oh. The KitKat Chunky. Four. Oh, there we go. Now, is it a spoiler alert, Ian, or have you just remembered? Currently, weren't they? Three Twx. Two Snickers. One KitKat Chunky. Whoa. What happened? What happened to the double decker? No double decker.

No double-decremention. No Mars. Mars didn't even make the top 15. Yeah. You said we haven't even got to the new guard base bars yet. None of them made it into the top 10. The best one. You've already named. The best one before that. Well, at least he's got his number one locked in. Yeah. Chocolate orange never came up again either.

Yeah, spoiler for the top five, shouldn't have thought so. I forgot about it. As soon as someone shouted out, curly, wellie. I've never been made to feel a fool about a thing that's not known, I think that's not a thing. Yeah. Your dream side dish, Amelia. Oh, my dream side dish is chicken nuggets.

Woo! You seem so tired of having to say that. No, no, cos it is. I thought it was a bit obvious, but it is my side dish. It genuinely is. Yeah, just for not no reason in particular, but... OK. But you do genuinely love it. I love chicken nuggets. Yeah, I love chicken nuggets. I eat them all the time on chicken shop day, off chicken shop day. I don't really like chicken on the bone. Me neither. Aww. Yeah, don't like it at all. You have to go at me for it. Yeah, you guys need to fucking suck it up.

I just don't like the consistency. I think it's, I much prefer a boneless or a breast, a nugget situation, don't like a leg, don't like a thigh. What else do you have? Wings. Wait, no. No, nugget. Is it a genuinely consistency thing or is it weird for you to have the bone in there because then you think of it being an animal? Oh no, that doesn't mind that. I don't like this. It's a bit slimy.

I mean, so what about boneless thighs? I think that's probably the best cut, the thighs are the best. Oh, I don't know. Oh, thighs bone. Is that bone in? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a bone in there. Yes. I'm suddenly very pro mansplaining. Just checking out. If you have a bone in your thigh, when you get up at the end of the podcast, you'd fall straight on the floor. Oh, gosh.

Yes, chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets from a particular place? Is it a Mackey D's chicken nugget? I think Morley's has the best chicken nuggets. And if also McDonald's do you have really good nuggets as well? How many nuggets are you getting from McDonald's if you're going? So you can get 24 nugs, can't you? Oh, I wouldn't get 24. I'd get six. Six nugs. But sometimes I get happy mail, so I get four.

Yeah, so the ripple went across the crowd there. Yeah, I wasn't sure about that. The four just come with a happy meal or? I think four is a happy meal, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How often are you getting a happy meal? I'll probably normally get a happy meal if I go to the dot. Yeah. What are you going with? What are you doing with the toy? Oh, just keep them at home. Give it to me. The toy drawer. Yeah. And the fruit shoot.

So you get a fruit shoot in the happy meal? You can choose fruit shoot, yeah. What else do you get in that? I will just say this. I haven't had a happy meal since I was seven. Oh, sucks to be you. Yeah, you know, McDonald's apparently are the largest toy distributors in the world. So we should have explained grimaces in the crowd tonight.

Yes. That's someone who's recently told a friend that and been told they're full of shit. Yes. Thank you. I was actually thinking recently, like, what did in these situations, like, when you say a fact and then your friend's like, no, that's not true. Before people had Google and could have it, like, look on their phone, like, what happened? Oh, we can actually tell. Yeah.

Sorry to say that we do remember those times. Oh, yeah. It just meant that the whole night was one discussion. And you spent the whole night just going like, ah, but although there was a thing. What was the thing? You know the thing?

And you were there and you were just all going in saying collectively, and then you'd have to, it would go on for ages and go on for that one night. You'd see someone the next day, you'd go, do you know what Amelia said? That Madonna's the biggest toy distributor in the world. And then they'll go, I think I heard that somewhere. Like, did you? Where'd you heard it? I can't remember, no?

And then you just never know. And then eventually we got the internet and we could all just like, when we originally got the internet, all of us spent a week just getting up to speed. Imagine this, like you'd have to go to the toilet and just go to the toilet.

Do you, I don't Google on the toilet. You don't Google on the toilet. No. You're not on your phone on the toilet. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone on the toilet. No. You're not on your phone on the toilet. No. You're not on your phone on the toilet. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're not on your phone. No. You're

And it was like the first time I'd had a shit for ages, I'd done a lot of shit, but I hadn't had a shit. Wow. I really felt like this was mine. I was present for it. Well, I need my phone on the toilet, because every time me and Nish have a shit, we text each other about it. Which is really weird, because they're back to back.

We had to have a specially built toilet. What do you text like, I'm having a shit? Yeah, like, normally if Nish does a really bad one, depending on where he is, say he was at the Manchester O2 Apollo, he'd text me, and I'd know he'd had a shit, because he'd say, so sorry, Manchester O2 Apollo. That's like the code. Yes. I've had a shit. So your chat history's just, I've shit, shit, shit. Yeah, yeah. I've had a shit, yeah. Two days ago, I ran Nish, and he answered, we're going, gonna level with you, Jimmy, I'm having a shit.

I'm like, don't answer the phone, man. Just don't answer it. Just wing me back when you're not shitting. How's that for an idea? Main course, Frankie. Now, I was very torn here. I love checking, and I think it has psychological roots, right, in that when you were a kid,

like your dad always got the big bit of chicken, leg of chicken, right? And you got some fucking scraggy bits of chicken. And as a kid, I often thought to myself, when I'm an adult, I will eat chicken every day. And I've lived up to that dream. I mean, chicken, we all love it. I love to get it in a Vietnamese place in Glasgow. They're caramelised ginger chicken that I really like. OK, a chicken has to die.

It's just a fucking chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm very tempted to see chicken or like a really good fried chicken or something like that. But I want to be honest and see what my actual dream meal would be. I'd like to eat all of the icing off a wedding cake.

Franky. Main course. Main course. Last night. Last night we had Ian fucking Sterling on. He chose a cheese board as his dessert. Oh God. I cried myself to sleep. You have no idea how good this feels right now to hear that you want to eat all the ice enough of a wedding cake at your main course.

Shirley in Scotland, if you ordered the cheese board, they'd be blowing fucking dust off it before they handed it to you. Yeah, well, that's what you get. If you invite on a prick, formative bra! Your dream main course, Joe. What's following up with this? Quite confusing, prawn cocktail. Chicken here, chips and peas.

I knew that as soon as he ended. A lot of people... I think this might be the first time on the podcast we've had a meal that is exclusively eaten on your lap. That's if I'm getting the hose through the window.

Chicken key have chips and peas. Yeah. Now, I'm going to take a wild swing that you're not paying for this either, Joe. Well, we're not eating in a restaurant, no. Whose house is this, that? Uh... Stevens. That's about to think, yeah. I went to school with him, and he lives opposite his mum.

The house offers it his mum. Do you know why is it my house actually? Can't be looking at his mum's house. Do you want to hear my house? Yeah, so it's probably from Waitrose because I haven't spent yet. You can't do that to him now.

Woohoo! After you've been kicking here, I've chipped some peas. Two. I'm having two keibs. Respect. Yeah. It's the only way. It's the only way. Yeah, people are leaving on that controversial. All right, I'll have one. There's a double key here for the push them over the edge. These are actually... Some people can't handle the truth. Yeah. Gone. Gone forever. You know what I mean? We've got all of it, mate.

They just looked, when does Waitrose shut? Yeah. He didn't have the pace of someone who was rushing to buy a key. Yeah. Oh, guess one way you do. So double Kiev. Yeah, two Kievs. I'll cook. Obviously, you can get different chicken Kievs sometimes.

Yes. That was going to be one of your... You can't also, you can't get different types. OK. No, that's a chicken care, if it's garlic butter, right? Yeah, I've just seen them get called chicken care as well. Have I ever stuffed in them before? They've got what? Stuffing in them. I've been stuffing them. They're like... Oh, I've been stuck. They're in there, whatever. No, no. I've had a chicken cauldron blurp with ham and... It's amazing what they'll turn out. I've turned. It's the biggest faux pas I've ever made on the tour. Yeah.

I'm absolutely with them. How much garlic butter do you want in there? It doesn't matter, it'll all seep out while it cooks. It'll all be coating the bottom. When you cut into it, it's completely hollow. Perfect. I forgot it's in there, so it's slightly too cooked.

Slightly too brown. So you're making this at home, that's your drink? Yeah, yeah. Well, then I don't have to go out. Yeah. So all the garlic butter is like just on the baking tray or whatever. Yeah, yeah. But then you pour the butter back over the gears and you said you tell the other person you put the equal amount on both. Are you also, though, whenever I've made this dish,

I'll also pour the guy over the peas, at least, most likely also the chips, and just get a little bit of... Yeah, yeah, you can do that. ..to you. You're wrong, but... ..should be soaking into the crust of the key. Yeah.

I do like the hollowness of it as well. You don't want to be awful for you if you got the key out of the oven and none of the butter had escaped, but it's all in there. Well, I'll cut the side and put it back in. You breach, you breach the key out of the oven. He's still all being the pan. Also, if you're making this yourself, you gobbling beetroot the whole time.

Does that have some beetroot beanie in the whole time? I've got beetroot in the house at the moment, actually. I've got three, it's a bit of a bug bear for Petra, sorry, Petra. But they usually have about half any more, just the first name. Petra, she's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There'll be about four or five half empty jars in the fridge. And I'll, we'll be in Sainsbury's and I'll pop another one in the basket. That'll be an awkward drive home.

Are you going to put them all in one jar? Nope. Are you getting through them eventually or is there just a constant cycle of... No, there's that awkward moment where you pour it in the sink and there's a few loose ones in the bottom you think.

Why not? That'd be the worst one to choke on, a sink one. Yeah, yeah. I'll pay for toothpaste. Hold on. I eat them over the bathroom sink. That's where you pour them out as well. When the jars are done, you go up to the bathroom. I catch the bathroom.

Check that no one's in there. Yeah. There I go. And if there's a go, do you want to fuck with me? Eat some beetroot. Someone just shouted out the worst pun I've ever heard. Oh, what was it? What was it? He said, be true to yourself. Oh, I wish there was a word of deleting that. Oh, hey, is it out?

The issue with beetroot for me is if I eat beetroot, and I know you're the same, I tend to set an alarm on my phone to remind me in... Oh, yeah. ..in a few hours' time that I've eaten beetroot so that when I go for a proper toilet, I don't worry that I've got bowel cancer. But I... Yeah, how do you celebrate a beetroot shit? That's not the response I was expecting to that. But you go, fuck it up, beetroot.

She's going to bike ride. But what I'm worried about with you Joe, if you're eating beetroot constantly... Just don't ever look behind you. But I'm just worried you're never going to spot the signs if there's something genuinely wrong. Oh, yeah. I'll take a week off. Can't say for other than that. What were you talking about?

Um, you said weight shows for your chicken care. Oh yeah, yeah, but I will have Sainsbury. Actually, Sainsbury's is cheap. Because if you, if you, if you cook a little chip, if you, if you overcook a chicken care by about 15 minutes, they all taste the same.

If you buy a cheap one, you go, because it's burnt, it tastes the same as that. This feels like a false economy joke, because you don't have to overcook them. What do you mean? You buy a nice one and cook it right, then it's more delicious than a cheaper one cooked right.

So why don't you just do that rather than... Why are you overcooking all of them to make them taste the same? Because I'm in the middle of a box set. What's the box set? Well, I'll be honest, I love an ITV drama. Yep. I never bother learning the names of them. It's a detective in a town... Oh, north. That's all I know.

And then it's very well cast. So you're getting into that? Yeah, and I forget I'm cooking it. Do you not set an alarm for when the Kiev's ready? What alarm? An oven alarm or a phone alarm or something to remind you? Two good answers. To be fair. To be fair, two good answers. Would you like to be there? He's got me there.

Would you like to be in an ITB drama one day, Joe? Do you think you would be good in one of those shows? No, because I love them too much, so I don't want to go fucking out, it's me.

I'm not saying you would watch it and forget you were in it and then be taken out of the... Maybe, it'd be good if you could get in one, right? Even if it's just a walk-on part. Yeah. And then at some point, go, do you mind if I do a bit of improv? Look down the camera and go, Joe, you've got a key heaven in the oven.

Now we've had plenty of food talk on the podcast, but not much. Cutlery chat. Hardlow Hanlon changed that. Wow. What a link. What a link, this guy. I mean, it is a nice bit of cutlery chat to be fair. But I don't care about water. I mean, I don't, like, I know it's, I know it's a cut of uses and stuff like that. You know, irrigation and that sort of shit.

I don't really care about it. What I am really interested in is the temperature is important. But more importantly is the glass. So I'm really interested in the heft of a glass, that kind of thing. That would be more important than the actual liquid in the glass. That's too thin. This is a thin can of water for those listening that I'm holding in my good hand.

We're careful with a mic in that case. And it's too thin, so there's no pleasure to be had in holding this can. You know, the temperature is fine. Oh, I've heard that before. If I held that can for any length of time, I would probably get like tennis elbow or something.

Because you're using extra muscles to get a good grip on it. Sure. So you want something with a bit of weight when you pick it up? Weight is important. Yes. Good point. And heft. I don't know if heft is the right word to describe like... Girth. Girth. Girth. Girth. Girth. Weight. That's what you would like. In that order.

Do you have those glasses that have quite a thick bottom to them? Yeah. It's going to make when it's like almost glass. Almost glass. But then in this time, it's going to be chunk of glass at the bottom. No, I like that. I mean, the point of Guinness glass is the perfect glass. Right. Absolutely. They know. They know. And because it's also got that ping that like the little bulge about three quarters of the way up, which is a good feature.

So girth, heft, weight, and the little bulge recourse. Yeah, yeah. That's about all you need. And the lip is important. That is not too thin a lip. Because again, that doesn't channel the wall into the right areas of the mouth. It channels it onto your shirt. And that's useless. Yeah.

Forks are important as well. So, like, again, the whole, like, easing is fine. Like, okay, you know, you prefer touching, yeah. Prefer touching, but also prefer, like, again, I think it's maybe getting older. Like, my main interest that dinner will be the heft of the, of the cutlery.

Like we had a dinner party in our house a few weeks ago, and this is absolutely true. So I got last Christmas for my wife's Christmas present. I got this amazing cottery. Like it is the best cottery ever. So you bought that for your wife? Yeah. OK. You're lucky girl. Yeah.

But just imagine you handing it over to her. Look at the heft on that. Even more than me, she loves design. I mean, she's got some outlandish cutlery in her collection, which she keeps in the different rooms in my cutlery collection. So, like, she got these forks, which are like, they look nice, but they're terrible. Now, look, you know, I shouldn't be talking about my wife in a public forum.

But I feel she needs to know. I'm not good on one-to-one. But we've these forks at home. There's only three times. Two of them are splayed outwards, like the outer two. And the curve outwards. So literally you can't pierce anything. There is no food that I know of that you can actually pierce.

So what's that fork for? I turn it everything down, I don't... Like it's for maybe lifting hair or something and throwing it into a trailer. Like it's not for... Whereas the forks I got are, which he's very happy with, by the way. Yeah. They're not just forks. They have a companion knife and spoon. That's good. Yeah. And they're... So you know, brutalism and architecture, right? Yeah. These are brutalist. So it's a Dutch designer called Martin Haas.

Yes. Loads of A's in that. Yeah, yeah. More art. Like, I think it was about five A's in his first name and about four in the second name. Okay, Martin. Ha. He has these amazing cutlery sets. So, anyway, it's still her sparkling. It was the question. It's the most cutlery shot we've had, but it's important. Well, I'm surprised you don't talk about it more. It's so...

Oh yeah, so I was at this dinner party, and literally the next morning I was really embarrassed, like I literally went around to everyone at the table, because no one ever remarks in the pottery, and we're always furious at the next morning. They say, oh yeah, my wife's an amazing cook, and so they're always going on with the fucking food and everything. And then never mention the pottery. So at this dinner party I was going, what do you think of that? It's just one of those guys going around, you see it there, and I look,

Maybe it doesn't look special, but when you actually look at it closely, it's all like, it's imperfect. So there's like, there's four times in the proper, you know, and there's a stem. Yeah. You're talking with a fork. Yeah. But like, each of the, each of the times is kind of like slightly weird, you know, it's like little wiggly time. Yeah. And then, but the way it is the important, it's just perfect. Like sometimes,

Sometimes I literally, it's not even meal time. And I will go to the cutlery drawer. Yeah, when I should be working. Yeah. And I will literally just walk around with the phone. It's fit in the white of it. Yeah. And the knife is like a soul. Yeah, it's a really good knife.

If a burglar came in, which one would you reach for first, do you think? Well, here's the thing. If a burglar came in, I wouldn't know. And the reason I wouldn't know is because, you see, we're very interested in designing our house. And my wife, again, is none of your business. The more you mention her, the more I suspect she doesn't exist.

It's just your wife is actually a fork that you put googly eyes on. Yeah. But she buys lamps. So she loves lamps. Yes. Almost as much as she likes cutlery. Yeah. But she doesn't know if your wife likes cutlery. So she buys lamps that don't throw any light. So our house is really dark. Because all the lamps, the lamps are lovely. So it's always design over functionality. And that's a source of contention.

So literally, there's no light coming out of the lamps. So you wouldn't know which one to get. It might as well be a hat stand. It might even be a hat stand with a lamp shed on it. There's literally no light. There could be squatters living in my house. I wouldn't know. This angle explains why you began the show by rubbing your arse on a lamp.

But there was one guest who came perilously close to choosing the secret ingredient. I wish he had, I would have loved to kick this guy out. As a loyal Albert Hall, no less. What a little thick. Oh, this guy is an idiot. It's Alice James.

So this is top quality steak, but only a small amount so I can have it with English mustard and then we can move on. Okay. And that's next to your seabass. Now, can we get, we need to get into the nitty gritty with the veg here. So you've got steamed spinach. Okay. With a little bit of nutmeg. Green beans. Okay.

Okay, someone's going to need to Google something for us. No, I don't move on. No. We need to Google, you've got your phone out. You know what, I want you to Google and I'll have to say it to you. Can you tell us more about the green beans? Well, I really like my greens. I like kidney beans.

Sorry, something fucking mad is happening in this room. I cannot put my finger on. Don't need to leave your fingers off of it for now. Because I like spinach, I like cabbage. You're in the clear, carry on.

I feel like, I feel like I'm trying to walk across an icy lake. As long as you walk and don't run. To tend to stem broccoli. But I would like the chef to discuss them with slightly more enthusiasm than you two mister on your advert at the start of the podcast.

That's a good advert. Yeah. Originally, James wasn't around. I had to record that by myself. You've never felt more fucking insane than recording an advert for broccoli alone. My sister thought that advert was fake was a prank. She's like, you can't do an advert for tender stem broccoli. It's like doing an advert just for cake. And she's like, I'm not going to go into that because we give a website address at the end. So I'm not going to go on that website. This is going to be a picture of you, Ed, and toast dressed as broccoli.

Well, I love my greens, so it's with greens and dauphin bars, potatoes, and then a disc of steak with English mustard, but only a smaller one, so I'm not too full. Now, it's a big night. Are you factoring your dream side dish into that? Or is there a different dream side dish? Different dream side dish. OK, well, let's move on to that and hear what your different dream side dish is. I mean, the two that almost made the cut special fried rice,

shredded, shitty, crispy beef. But I thought, what genuinely makes me happy? I feel like looking at a bowl of sausages now. I thought it's my dream restaurant, so for my side I'd like a box of milk tray.

Being here with you tonight is so special. You're the Albert Hall. Someone's finally chosen. No tray as their dream side dish. Can I ask? No. No questions needed. I respect the choice. But you're not fucking anyone after this meal. I beg to differ.

Sometimes, even though we were alive and in public, things got hot and... It's not what it says. Oh, sorry. So sexy. Sexy is the headline. I'm aligned. And then it says, things go hot and steamy. Yeah. It's jimilia and Susan Wakoma. My dream drink is, have you ever had carrot juice? Yeah. Yeah. Love it. Okay. Carrot, not just the juice of a carrot. It's like... Oh, sorry, I thought that's what it was.

No, then. To reframe what I think about it, I think to that. Actually, you know what, sorry, this is really unprofessional. I'm going to change what I had, just because I feel like this is a better answer. I do want to, but you can't leave us with the carrot juice mystery. We do need to hear what carrot juice is if it's not the juice of a carrot. Carrot juice is delicious, just as delicious as the drink that I'm going to choose. Yeah, but what is it? What is carrot juice for?

It is the juice of a carrot, but it's mixed with condensed milk and not Megan's cinnamon, and it's absolutely delicious. Can you use evaporated milk instead? Absolutely not. No, because they're not interesting. No, because they are interchangeable in a lot of things. Definitely not. It would be disgusting. I feel like that's an in-slown hint of fuck gym music.

James' mum did a recipe for us once. We did a cook along together on Zoom during the pandemic, because when we went back into the second lockdown, because someone had fucking noodles. And out of contact, if anyone takes out out of contact, that's me, council forever. That sounds bad. If any of you have film in this, just clip that up and put it online.

Curtis up his usual tricks. I'm fine with that, you can do that. Anyway, James' mum said, I'll do this and I did the recipe and it was shit, it was a bad recipe. That's all you need to try. She did not, she gave him a precise recipe and he ignored the recipe, he said condensed milk, he ignored it and replaced it with evaporated milk and then complained after it didn't taste how it was supposed to. Yeah, that'll do it.

She's a shit cook. Are you having that? Have you two ever had a fight? I'm not instigating and I'm just asking. You're on it. No, I can't fight him here in front of everyone. I'll get him in the dressing room and he's not expecting it. Speak about my cousin, my mum out on stage.

Terrible, terrible. So you're not choosing the carrot juice? I'm not going to go for the carrot juice just because I would like to educate the audience and maybe you already know what this is, but have any of you ever had something called sexy juice? Sexy juice, right? Yeah. And it's not, hang on. No, it's not that. I've been tricked before with the carrot juice.

Okay, sexy juice. Right, sexy juice. It's basically the same as carrot juice. Right. But you substitute the carrot juice for pineapple juice. Maybe that's why it's called sexy juice. You know that thing about pineapple? So let's hang on, let's cut back. I never know what is that.

I can't wait to listen to this! Oh my gosh! So, we've worked out why it's called sexy, Joyce. There'll be people in you who don't know what you mean. Explain what you mean. Right. Oh, I hope my mum doesn't listen. Alright, moving on.

Right, so sexy juice is... Sorry, do you say you want the recipe? No? Yeah? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, it's pineapple juice, condensed milk, bit of nutmeg, bit of cinnamon. It doesn't sound all that it's not fancy, but it's delicious. It really, really is. Yeah. I don't want to speak about sexy juice anymore. Fair enough, we all know why it's good sexy juice now. Respect the guests boundaries, we're not going to make you talk about sexy juice anymore.

I feel like I've made it so awkward. I'm so sorry. Let's go back to carrot juice. Let's carrot juice. That's my dream. No, that sounds like very nice. Do you think you've now ruined sexy juice for yourself though? Yeah. Now that you've put that in your head. No, I still have it. Good on you mate.

We can bring you like a tumbler of H if you want. You can have some sexy juice and some carrot juice. Thanks. Yeah, no worries. Thank you. Really appreciate it. Does that work with any other foods? Say again, sorry. Does the thing work with any other foods?

It's kind of an apple thing that we're all thinking about now and won't stop thinking about until after the show's done. Does that work with any other foods? I don't know. Are there any, like, parent and child, like, in the audience? There are. Oh, there's loads. I'm so sorry. No, because, and I'm just saying, because they might have to have the conversation on the way home or something. I mean, you don't have to. You don't have to. We'll do it now.

the most awkward question. Sometimes when two people love each other very much. Look, I don't know the science behind it. I don't know if it's true. Me neither. Don't look at me. I don't know.

And I don't know if it would work for ever fruits. Well, we've got about 14 tour shows left. I've only had them if about pineapple. Yeah. So tomorrow night at the Royal Abba Hall, I'll eat pineapple before the interval. Yes. And then we've got a way to open the second half, haven't we? That probably exists in fan fiction somewhere anyway, so we might as well.

Oh my goodness. Those are fan fiction about us fucking. Yeah. Let's talk about food and then those grubby little perbs online. Well, I don't mind it. No, because you're always the dominant and I'm always getting fucked and crying my eyes out. I love it. Look at them fucking grubby little bastards.

I'm always the one drinking the pineapple, put it that way. Oh, SpongeBob here. Oh my God. Oh, if you had told me this is where this was going to go, I'd have still been here.

I thought I was going to be so ready for that. Jesus, you're good. You were riding high on I love lemons. Nothing from Matthew Bainton last night, he didn't move an inch. But that guy's a ghost, he's used to scares.

You can't scare a ghost man. Oh god. Well, I'll answer it now. Bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread

You know what you do when you shag around trying to... I do know what you mean, what you're going for. I've just never heard that used in that context. You know, when you're shagging, when you're trying to achieve some things, you're just putting it around, trying to achieve your softer butter. I hope that you're realising this in front of an audience of 2,000 people. But I think you've been using that term wrong.

A lot of people get up different opinions of you, over the years. Sorry, I was like, I was shucking around at the airport. Send out a bag of shaggin' around. Custom shaggin' around.

It's like the GP shagging around. Oh my God. Yeah. Yes. A lot of things are going through my mind. A lot of conversations. But yes, I love creamy, creamy butter. I haven't shagged.

and warm bread. Do you know what actually what I really love? If you go to a really like bougie place, I love when they give you like a basket of bread and there's a variety of different breads rather than just like this is the only bread, dip it in that oil, fuck off. Like I love the surprise of going, that's quite nice. And I love what I really love as a starter is like just

fruit breads, like bit raisins in it, to just to mix a bit. How do we feel? What? Controversial. I will shag every one of you. Outside, get off now. Just use it for everything. What the hell? Like, no, right now I'm sticking with the arse, I'm going to die on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to stick by what you believe, but yeah, not popular here in Brazil. Not popular here in Brazil.

No, just a little bit. Not talking an excessive amount of raisins, just a little bit. Dotted around. I like close breads. I do like them as some breads. I know what you mean. And also, if it's part of a selection, so it's a small little bit, so it's a small wedge. There we go. The wedge is back on the side. Back on, I like them now. When you toast it though, raisins and bread are likely to be toasted. Not as a... No, not if you're about to have like three courses.

No. Have I lost you? Why is toasting it in an issue if you're about to have three courses? I don't know. It doesn't make it denser. You're about to have... No, hang on. You're about to have three courses and someone gives you toast, essentially. Do you know what I mean? Don't you think that toast is dense? It's just me. Oh my God, I'm realising a lot.

But it sort of gives you bread, it's the same, isn't it? Nah, but if it's a little nah-hah, because if you hold a loaf, if you hold not loaf, if you hold a slice of bread, and then you hold a slice of toast, do this when you get home. The toast is heavier. Is this another problem with your vocabulary? No, it isn't. Have you been mistaking the word heavier for the word hotter and getting the...

No! Go home and try it. Slice a bread. I'm toasted. Toasted. That toasted one is heavier. Susan is. It's going to be late by the time the show's finished. I can't go home and start shagging the toaster. Also, you know, I think we three episodes into the latest series of Taskmaster. I feel bad that this audience already know who's not going to win.

Speaking of Susan Waucoma, we've got to know a lot about her dating history. Let's hear from Susan Waucoma and Susan Waucoma.

I think I know, do you know what, the reason why I mention that is because he's so far away from what I prepared him. There we go. So he's from Tumbridge Wells and he's like, who's, why don't you cut me? Why don't you cut me, why don't you cut me, why don't you cut me, why don't you cut me, why don't you cut me, why don't you cut me, why don't you cut me one of your whole dishes from Nigeria.

I can't, I've said, I don't fucking like cooking. Like eating, like food being prepared to me, wearing a feather boa and a visor. Anyway, so... He sounds like a great guy, by the way. Awful, absolutely awful man. Why don't you cook me one of your home ruthers from Nigeria? Why don't you cook me one of your funny little spicy things? That's the vibe I got. Yeah, that's the vibe I get for this tub of dwells from the front guy.

No, as I'm doing now, I was talking about how much I love opera soup. And he was like, well, I'd love to taste it. And I was like, four years.

Oh, yes. And so I was like, right, cool, I'm going to, I want to do that. So I'd made two mistakes. First one was that I didn't chop the opera thin enough. It was too thick. So when it's too thick, you don't get the stringiness, which is the main event. It's the main event. So when he had it, he was like, well, this ain't anything like you. This ain't anything like you said. So I failed there. Fucking hate this guy.

Um, I think you remember your saying something about stringiness. What is this? I wouldn't call this a main event, Susan. Have you had Shepherd's pie?

Awful, yeah, he was a prick. Anyway, and no, he wasn't, he was a little bit. And then, so the second mistake that I made was that you're only meant to use like, you scotch bonnets, you're only meant to use a couple. Oh, no. Someone's about to get there, come up and say, I love it. Good on you, Susan, how many have you put it? I don't think this is gonna go all the guy from Tumbridge Wells. I have a nice big spoonful to begin with.

That's a hot pump, what? In for a penny, in for a pound. Fuck way to contract. I've not been because you're not far off. What was you doing in your back? Oh, what was I doing?

Are you only my teens? Are you only men to use, too? And are you seven? Oh, my God. I use fucking seven. And my spice tolerance is high. But even I was sweating from my eyebrows. I was sweating from like creases in my neck. I was like, shit. Under my tear. I was like, wow. This guy was pink. He was pink. I'm red. And he was like... He fucking killed it.

Oh my God, it was funny in retrospect. You can see what he's going to look like when he's 40, at least. Oh my God, yeah, so I love that, Neil, when it's made by other people. Yeah, so those are my two, those are my two mains. That's great. So can I have both of them? Obviously at all I'm thinking about is out.

Steve coming out of his ears. Also, we've fallen someone into a bit of a trap here where Ed and I establish a running joke where you can do it infinite times and all you need to do is do a different phrase before he eats it each time and it's going to make us laugh. So I've got in for a penny in for a pound and for Queen and Country in my head. And if it wasn't for the fact we're on a time limit, that would have carried on for half an hour.

I had another boyfriend, um, thank you. Here we go. Next from the chopping block, step up.

I had another one. Now, this one, who I won't name, was a proper... He was a bitch. He was a... I did this. Like, I think of him, I just think, what the fuck was I doing? Like, everyone else, I'm like, good memories, some good times. But this one, I'm like, could have done without that. Like, scratch that fucking out.

However, after a breakup, I tend to go, OK, what am I going to leave with? What's like one thing that I take with me? Can I just check? Are you speaking to Susan now? Are you the character with that headless? This is me. I'm going to be her. That's in about five fucking minutes. I'm going to be her. But no, so he was a bitch. But he showed me this snack. So he was like, why does that sound so?

There's a lot of innuendos in this episode, and when you draw out a sentence like that, it's going to be dirty. Yeah, that's true. He showed me this. He showed me a snack, and it was this. So he went out one night, came in, and he was like, oh, I want to show you my favourite night time of snack. I was like, babes, yeah. Come on in. By the way, I say, oldest trick in the book.

So he's like, right, so I'm just going to get some crackers. I was like, OK, all right, get the crackers out. So I got some crackers. Crackers. And then he got a slice of cheese, cheddar, boring cheddar. And then he got ketchup. Yeah, that's why I'm not with him.

And he put it on the cheese. I was like, literally, I was watching him go fucking out. Like, am I going to have to put a pillow over his head? Is it down to me? Is this the moment where I'm like, I must stop this continuing? And then he put the other crack on it. I was like, fucking out. I don't love anyone this much. I don't. And then I ate it. It was fucking sick.

Absolutely a neat thing. It was gorgeous. So crackers, Jacob's crackers, size cheddar, just a couple sizes, ketchup, bish-bosh, put it in your mouth, gorgeous. That would be my side dish. Your dream side dish.

Oh, I love this sound. You look amazing. You don't want to beat me up. I love it. Your dream side dish is crackers, cheddar and ketchup that was shown to you by, and I quote, a proper bitch. Yeah.

You said you didn't take anything from this relationship. No, but that was the one thing. The one thing. That was the only thing I took. I mean, it's awful. Yes, it is awful. And he likes cheese boards. Yeah. Yeah. And he hates that. So like, I'm the last person is now going to back you up on it because I hate cheese boards. So obviously I hate that. Yeah, of course. No, that's all right. I mean, has he got a name? Did he give it a little night? He strikes me as the kind of person who would give it a little cheeky night. I'll give it a name. It's a fucking daringly lunchable is what it is.

Oh, he was in his 50s as well. And now, don't you think he's a bitch? Yeah. Hang on. What? Suddenly, I didn't give a shit about food anymore. No. You were going out with a guy in the 50s. It was like, let me show you my favorite part of the film. Now you get the pillow thing. It was like jeez. Try that, Susan. Try that. But you'll have to be quiet, otherwise you'll wake mother.

Again, you're not far off. Have you bought a girl home? Go to bed, mama. You've been an happy up all night, Barry, making Barry a little uncomfortable. Mother, please, I'm a man now. Let's sleep in the big bed. Again, not long, you're not far off. Wow. You're not far off. This guy has suffered.

Wait till you see this is gonna blow your mind. Catch up. My many years on this planet, Susan. I've learned many a thing. You probably haven't encountered this before. I'll let you see how I make it, but don't tell anyone. It's a family secret. Even to your hat, Susan. A Jacob's cream cracker.

The weakest cheddar imaginable. A suggestion of ketchup. And here's the twist, a second Jacob's cream cracker. You must remember, we used to love this when we were children, because when I was born we were still in the back end of rationing. Oh, Christ.

Are you talking about the rationing again? I hope you haven't eaten all the crackers. Mother, please. You've been in my nice chase? Don't you be eating my nice chase again? I'll come down there and give you help. I'll box your ears.

Oh my god. That made that made every second of that year with that guy worth it. Thank you so much. Fuck it.

Mother! Probably that's the most of laugh on the whole tour. Yes. Was hearing about Susan's boyfriends. Yes. Now, obviously we've got a bit of toilet humor on the live episodes as well, just like we do on the recorded ones. Oh, this is recorded as well. Of course, our PMPoo podcast was represented at the live shows too, which is what Benito's written, and that was probably more concise than what I tried to say then. Just one name. John Robbins. John Robbins, shit in yourself. Well, the next course you'll be glad to hear is the starter.

Lovely, 40 minutes in. Oh, Jesus Christ, it actually is. Sorry, John, go on. So, the next course, every year for the past sort of six or seven years, I've lived in Edinburgh when I do the festival with George Egg. I like someone broken back from Portugal. Race to that absolute race to it. I'll get down and talk! I'll back down.

and people might know George Egg as the anarchist chef or snack hacker on YouTube. He's got a channel where he hacks snacks, stuff you can sort of do in your car, which appeals to me. Are all your friends your favourite YouTubers?

I'm to an extent. I do have a YouTube channel with Alex Horn. I do. But so he living with him in Edinburgh is just such a treat because A.E. is a wonderful guy but also he's not just a brilliant chef but he loves cooking and he gets excited about you tasting stuff and he likes presenting it to you. You know he's cooked me a six course meal in Edinburgh before but what I would like to go for my starter is what we'd always have for breakfast together which is George Eggs, Kuppie Egg.

on veggie haggis with a craft cheese slice, kismot mr. Naga sauce and a mocha pot coffee with evaporated milk.

Sounds lovely. It does sound lovely. So I can talk you through it very quickly. Yes. Cupy egg, you butter the bottom of a mug, crack an egg into it, put it in the microwave for about 45 seconds. It makes a perfect poached egg, but buttery. He puts that on the top of vegetarian haggis, which he's sliced into a circle that's been fried. Between those is a craft cheese slice.

and then we went for a curry in Kismot in Edinburgh and the hot sauce was so nice that we asked if we could take some home with us. So they put it in a little plastic pot and it was so delicious that you if you just dip the end of like a fork time

into it and dip a bit of the oil off. It's just wonderful on poached eggs or on cheese like melted cheese. So we'd have that for breakfast and make a little coffee in Georgia's got like a espresso sized mocha pot and you mix it with evaporated milk and it's just sweet and it's like a sort of shot of sweet coffee goodness. And that will remind me of wonderful mornings in Edinburgh with my dear friends tasting wonderful food.

Yes, please! That's lovely, John. And George, I get a magnificent chef, so I imagine that tastes very nice. A few people in here might try that cup of egg. Oh, yeah. That sounds like something that... Well, the cup of egg is on his YouTube channel, so you can find out how to make cup of egg. But also, that naga sauce you can buy. If I mention, like, stuff you can buy, does it fucking ruin it for the suppliers, because they certainly have a billion orders? No, you're going to get some for free.

The audience get them for free. No, you won't. It will turn up on your doorstep probably before you've even got home tonight. Well, I don't need any because I've got some. Yeah, well, bad luck. You're going to get some more.

If you want that delicious chili sauce, it's called Mr. Naga. It's oil with crushed chilies, but it's fucking delicious. But do use with caution for Christ's sake. It will bite you on the arse, both literally and in a

Very horrible way, metaphorically. You've had a few nightmares over the years, haven't you? I've had a few close shows. But I haven't actually shipped myself since 2002. Not true? No, it's not true. OK, yeah, but Louise, no need to tell. I'd forgotten about that. Just lying, just lying, John, throwing years around. So confidently.

I guess, in a way, does that cut the shit in yourself? That story? I mean, obviously I'm on the cusp of just describing it, yeah. I never had that combination again of neck oil and bang bang cauliflower. With Frank's extra hot wing sauce, it was a fucking car crash.

Just saying that out loud, of course, no one should have that. Yeah, I know. Well, I didn't know that coil. Bang, bang, collar flower, which sounds like a metaphor for shitting yourself. Oh, no, I've done a bang, bang, collar flower in my pants. Do you want to quickly run through the story? Oh, God, I had, I had a neck oil and bang, bang, collar flower. And it was just, I was going through a bad period with my guts anyway. It was drinking quite a...

It was drinking quite a lot. The cauliflower and the batter was a mistake. The sauce was just arrogant. And I was in a situation where I couldn't fart freely. For me, that situation has never existed.

It was one time in the morning was it it was it would have been like 132 and you were at the time in a relationship and it would have farted in front of them. Yeah, I think that's as much as I would like to say about that. Yeah, you're a gentleman. Yeah. Oh, actually, yeah, I was a gentleman. What the gentleman do in that situation? They don't fight in the bed. They don't fight in the bed. They go downstairs, try to fight in some kitchen roll and shit themselves.

Have you not read any etiquette guides? My favourite thing about that is I understand going downstairs. Again, I'll go in another room and I'll fart. But then going, I need some sort of muffler. I thought he would deaden the sound. It actually turned out to be a master stroke.

I guess here we go. This is the point where the categories get really. I can't believe that this is a category. OK, I get it now. Our guests had plenty of wild stories. Like wild animals, nature. Is that what you meant? No, it's not what you meant. He just meant. I just saw that a few, a couple of them are about animals. I've seen they all were. Sam Campbell, Lucy Beaumont, Joe Wilkinson, Lucy Beaumont again, and Sam Campbell again.

I'd say that the key is just don't turn up the heat too high. You've got to low and slow with caramelised money. It's going to take way longer than you think it is. Is it one of these things? Some people are talking about things that take 12 hours to cook. Is that real?

I think it's real, but not onions. I'd say you're looking at half an hour plus, but I wouldn't don't cook an onion for 12 hours, whatever you do. How long would you have to go, heat-wise, to cook them for 12 hours? And they still, how you want them? You could put them in the oven, I reckon, overnight on a very, very low heat, and it would, I mean, it probably wouldn't caramelise them, but it would bake. It would bake it overnight. Do that with tomatoes, man. You do little tomatoes in the oven. You're essentially drying them out in the oven overnight. Oh, even night? Pretty cool. I wouldn't go to sleep.

But you wouldn't be able to sleep. I think the house is going to catch fire. Oh, right. Yeah, I thought you'd be so excited about this.

No, maybe, I don't know. Like, I think, well... Getting out, we keep looking through the... like Christmas. Yeah, isn't it? My wife used to share a flat with someone. He's a lovely man. He's still a very good friend. But the first night she was sharing a flat with him, she was like weirded out, she was in a new place, or whatever. She got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, about 3-4 in the morning. She came into the kitchen and all of the lights were off. But he was stood in front of the oven and the light from the oven was just lighting him.

and he was baking a cake. Four in the morning completely silently watching a cake break. You respect that? Pretty late for a cake. So yeah, I think half an hour to 45 minutes. What's the longest that someone has cooked something for and it still came out OK? Wow. Good luck, man. Good luck with this one.

I guess like barbecue, like Texas barbecue food, you'd probably cook that for, you know, 15, 16 hours sometimes, like a brisket or pulled pork. Wasn't there something that was cooking for a thousand years? Is that, what am I? Why are you asking questions, do you want to get the answers to them? No, I thought he would know, you're like, what do you think it is? I think there's a temple in Japan somewhere where they've, it might be in Japan, apologies if I'm wrong, but they've got like a soup that's been cooking for like hundreds or thousands of years. And they haven't depended on it.

Yeah, I think no one they haven't had any here. I hope it's good. But I think that's like they're adding to it all the time. So there's like bits that have been there for that long. Like sourdough starter, you know, sourdough starter, you're just adding to it. Did someone do that with a rock and it was a trick?

No, I think you're right. I think it might be a fable or something. Do you know about this? Or the stone super fable? Yeah. You know this one? Yeah, yeah. So this guy, he's got like a... OK, that's not how fables start, so...

I didn't tell them, we don't know how Australian fables were. And then most Australian fables got thought of with this guy or this cheater. There was this fella and pretty much all he had was a rock. That's all he's got. Somehow ends up with an incredible meal. How? Here's what he did. He went...

So basically he goes, oh my god, we're making this amazing soup. Everyone's got to contribute something. I've got this rock. What have you got? Someone's like, I've got some amazing Java food. Ham. Ham. I've got some celery. Celery. Basically, everyone in the community contributes one thing. And at the end of it, he's got this amazing soup. He goes, well, yeah, we've made this. And then he got to have some of it.

I had forgot that fable, but yeah, when you told us, are you? I like the way you told that fable, though, is if it was just something your friend told you. Can you tell, can you do the tortoise and the hair for me? Basically, there was just, it was a pretty huge race. I'd be surprised if you didn't hear about it. So yeah, I think a lot of animals were involved. I'm actually not too sure about which other animals were in it. These two do tend to dominate the story.

But yeah, huge race. Everyone thinks the hair is going to win. Everyone's like, man, you've got this in the bag. This is yours. And the tortoise is like, oh, I don't even stand a chance. Should I even enter his coach was like, you should do it. It is for charity. Yeah. So yeah, beautiful charity. And what charity? Sorry. What charity was the tortoise running for?

I don't want crackers even. A one.

I want bread. Right. Well, I just wondered why it was just Papa Dom's R bread, but I do want bread, but I do want fancy bread. What I want is, do you know Jackson, are you allowed to say actual names or things? Feel free, yeah. It's nice to know you've listened to some episodes. Oh, no, I've listened to a lot. I just can't remember if the...

Yeah, you can say bad. You told us you listened to a lot of episodes. Yeah, road, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah. Can you just tell us what happened, why you ended up listening to loads? Yeah, you listened to quite a lot in a road, didn't you, more than you were anticipating? Yeah. I got stuck behind a house. God, it was a night. It's not yet funny to me.

Do you know what I mean? This is only a few days ago. Yeah. It's bloody hot. There's a very large wood where I live, and I couldn't get past the house. And if I'd have taken a different turnoff, I would have had to have gone a lot more round. So I'd just walk behind it. Hang on. Hang on, this is the second time I'm hearing this story. And this is the first time that I'm realising you were on foot.

Yeah. I didn't know that. I thought you were in a car. Yeah. On a road behind a horse. I didn't know you were in some enchanted woods. Walk in. That's one's magical, Lucy. Yeah. How do you get stuck behind a horse on foot? Well, I don't have a driver's license, sir. But can't... Can't you walk around the horse? I didn't want to scare it.

I was thinking she'll notice me soon and she'll move to the side and let me go past but I didn't feel comfortable with trying to take over the horse and she just didn't for absolutely ages and so I listened to quite a few podcasts

So how long would you say you were slowly walking behind this horse? I think two hours. It's a really big wood. It's a plenty of room to maybe. Oh, yeah. And then final, she noticed me and she moved to the sand. She let me pass. I was like, thank God for that. And then my shoelace came undone. I bent down to do it and just saw this fucking horse.

go past and then so it happened again, it was behind the horse for ages, she let me then again go past and a guy said come here Lucy, so I went to him and the horse overtook me and he was talking to his dog, he wasn't

It wasn't. You said I'm talking to my dog, love. I mean, it's consistent with what happens in a Toby Carver, isn't it? You hear Lucy like, yeah. Yeah, all right. I was so annoyed when I got home. I was like, it's just wasted my day. And then I got to pick my child up from school like the whole day has gone. I haven't got anything done. I mean, like, just looking at this horse's ass, but yeah.

Do someone wants to have to do the Heimlich on you because you choked on some beetroot. Sorry, beetroot. No. No. That man is like, it's not the man, we give him a wave. That's not the man. Oh yeah, he saved my life.

He didn't save your life, his friend Khurash. Yeah, where's Khurash? He's dead, he's in my... I can tell you, he's got his phone number. Is he in? So you exchanged notes, nothing. So you exchanged numbers after... I could phone him. He saved your life.

Could we get a bit of back on the story before you fell down? It could be a bit of a weird fun call if we don't know if you felt it. Where were you? I was in my house and I was like... I'm glad we got some more background on this story. What are you talking about? You're in your house. I'm always in my house. What do you mean? Yeah, but... OK, so keep telling the story. Why is me being in my house weird? Because you choked on Beatru and then a man who I presume you didn't know before called Karush saved your fucking life.

Yeah. I hardly have a look in the spare room, to be fair. But that day I happened to pop in there, and there it was. No, what happened? I was cooking, and as I was cooking, I liked to eat beetroot. OK, look, pause before we go on. OK, there's a lot of pausing, and I'll ask you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the details are weirder than you think. Yeah.

OK, OK. Why is it beetroot, your snack of choice in your cooking? Some people drink red wine when they're cooking. Yeah. You eat, you eat, beetroot. Slices of beetroot. Preferably crinkle cup. Well, that turned out to be your downfall on this, though, isn't it? Oh, yeah, we'll get there. Because when I'm cooking, I'm usually hungry. Yeah.

That's unique, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I've listed your pod and I don't know. It's just some people do that as well. They cook when they're hungry. Paul Rudd. Yeah. That's really nice to follow that, know what.

So I was eating beetroot and quickly because I love the stuff. And it sucked itself into my throat and I could no longer breathe. So I ran out into my garden, I looked at my other half and I thought, she's not going to help.

because she absolutely loves the book she was reading at the time. And I thought, I doubt she'd put that down. Do you remember what the book was?

I think it was a Jackie Collins, but I couldn't be sure. Was it Petra? She's in. So I thought, what do I do? And I went a bit matrix. I started to think for the first time in my life. That's matrix. That's what you call going a bit matrix. Something you knew the appropriate term for a lamp.

I tapped into something higher than myself here. And I picked up the pace. It was the fastest I've ever gone down my hallway. And I ran outside. So you went into the garden, looked at your partner, run back inside again, and out the front door. And you got like just red, just pouring down your beard, I'd imagine.

It wasn't because I'm very, because I've eaten a lot of beetroot on that. I tend to be good at it. Yeah, it's just this one time, isn't it? Yeah, this is the one that he killed you. Yeah. To be fair, there was not a drop on me. So I ran out. This is in COVID as well. So no one was about. So I thought it was probably not the best idea. But mate here had broken all the rules and was out. And I was like,

You can save my life, but I'm not happy about it. And I reported him later. He got four months. And he was a big lad, isn't he? He's a big lad, isn't he? He's a big lad. He's about six, well, very strong muscular arms, if I remember, right?

And I was pointing at my throat and he went, and I was like, there's nothing else I can do here. And then he, I remember him saying, I can't do the, he said, I can't do the heimlich. And I was, well, now you're gonna have to learn. So we both googled. He had, he had better 5G than me. So he got there. And then, so he just, he, he just picked up like a rag doll. And then,

and then shook me, and then it shot out and hit the side of a car. I wasn't expecting to tell that. Is this how the pods should start? And then you exchanged numbers after that? Yes, I've got him down in my phone as life saver. What a guy I am. Do you tell him I'm in?

Call him. Nah. Do you chat much with life savers? Not as much as I should. Every time you're eating some beet troops, take yourself yourself. I hope you're nearby. I've got him as my emergency number now. I've swapped him for my wife.

Yeah, so yeah, that happened. That's weird. Do you still eat beetroot? Yeah. Someone told me, I was talking to my neighbour about it the following day, and I was telling her, and she said, oh, I have a friend of hers, and she had problems eating for like months, she had to go have therapy about it. I was eating a lot of food within four to five minutes. At an appointment, my mum misses like, Christ, you don't learn!

And I'd like them, so I can have different, I'd like a few soups. Dude, who wants one soup, one type of soup? Most, most people, yeah. Um, so you got all these...

You actually put it in the cottage pie in them, it's got a bit of... Yeah. If you had that before, that's something you've had somewhere where they put the cottage pie in the york she put in. Yeah. Okay. And the soup, and then you also want about the same size. Yeah, please, yeah. In the york she put in again. Yeah. So you put in the york she put in. Yeah. That's all in the little york she put in. Do you want to take us through the soups? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I really like mushroom soup. Yeah. It's brilliant. So mushroom soup in one of them? Yeah. I had an incident. Can I just check? I can't wait to hear. I'm just going to check because we're 44 minutes in. Do you have an incident per soup? No. No, so just mushroom soup. I'd love to hear it.

You know during lockdown that you know that nice bit where everyone was dying but it was sunny. I mean yeah I do know the bit you mean.

I'm gonna say, if you say that in the future, Sonny should come after the nice bit.

The nice bit where it was sunny but unfortunately everyone was dying. That's the order I'd do it. Well every morning I would open the curtains and I'd see on the lawn this little bird and it was there every morning and I was like oh hello like that and I'd go downstairs and go that little bird was there and then one day I looked and it wasn't moving a lot and so I went on to the lawn. It was a mushroom.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean... I would say... Obviously there's a lot to say about that. I think the fact that for days you must have come rushing for a bird and talk to it is pretty big news. Went downstairs every day when I saw the little bird again. Yeah, I would tell your husband I saw the little bird again.

But I would also say that story doesn't need the context of, do you remember that bit in lockdown where everyone was... I don't think it needed that. I think it said that happened at any point. Didn't need to know it was a lockdown. I didn't think it needed, like, in the background, just that knowledge that everyone was dying.

Do you think you have a unique stink, Sam? It was in my scent. Yeah, what? Do you have a natural scent that is unique to you? I do. I mean, you know, I live in a corporate new build these days. Yes. And it has a treadmill. I've been trying to run... I'm working my... I'm trying to run 10 kilometers every day. That's pretty good, man. And after that, I do. And I often get lost in my building. Like, I haven't really figured it out yet. Hang on. I walk around. Are you running on the treadmill or around the building to take care? It's just a complicated building. I think they're like...

It's only at 30% capacity, and it's getting... There's some weird stuff going on where I live. What sort of weird stuff? There's no lights in the gym, so I run in complete darkness.

Are you supposed to be living in this building? Because to me, it sounds like you've moved into a show property. You know, when they build the flats, first of all, and they deck some of them out with furniture to show you what it would be like if you bought them, but it'll say, opening in 2026, have you just moved in? This explains a lot of my flatmates are going to cut out people. No, it's real. It's the real deal. It's the real deal, yeah. It's a 30% capacity. Have you met everyone else who lives there? I've met a few, and it's pet friendly.

I don't have a pet, but I'm going to, they're having soon to meet the pets event. And I'm going to, you know, they can't stop me from going to that. Yeah. Yeah. After I run, I do, I do. You stink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stink or do you? Yeah, I stink sometimes. Yeah. It's the meet the pets event in a room that has lights. So is it in complete darkness again? And you have to feel the pet and guess which pet is? That's got him, isn't it?

And that is so messed up. Imagine going to a fully in darkness, meet the pet event. Your mind. If you went to a fully in darkness, meet the pet event, what would be your favourite? Eel! That would be your favourite animal to meet with in the dark. Yeah, to touch. To touch in the dark would be an eel.

Oh, I mean... This is... I would worry the lights would come up on no one's got an eel. And I know that you've worked so hard on this format and all the food stuff, yeah, yeah, but make this the whole show. It's darkness, it's pets in the darkness. This is nice. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you could identify different people as like what animals they were in the dark if you touched them?

I think most of them I'd go, okay, yeah, yeah. I would struggle with some of the breeds. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Like we think Jack Russell, but you know, let's see. And then here's the twist of the meat and pets in the dark event in your building. So all the pets are at one side of the room and you go and feel them and the owners are at the other side of the room and you have to feel them and then match them up with it. You could do that.

Or be your technique of the way you'd figure it out. I've seen two people leave. It was me who did it, Sam. That's not on you, buddy. Imagine that's the point. Where are you going? We're going to go. We need to grab the cockatiel. Wow.

So, yeah, feeling a pet's texture and then match it. I don't know if I'd be good at it in the matching the owner and the pet. But what would be, I mean, you're doing well on Taskmaster right now. You've won a few... Big guitar, yeah. So, like, if that's a task, how are you...? Am I allowed to speak to the pet? Yeah, that's the one you'd want to speak to, I guess.

Yeah, yeah. You can speak to one of them and you've chosen the pet, yeah? That is, yeah, that's one of the rules is that you can even speak to the pet or the owner, but you can't speak to both of them. I think I know. Hold on. Can I change my answer? I will talk to the owner.

But perhaps the wildest of them all, and the most popular, was Tommy Tiernan in Dublin. I'm not interested in that question, but I would like to talk it up. My dream main course would be, again, I'm not mad for... I'm not mad for meat.

I prefer not to eat meat. It's not a... I'm not a vegetarian or anything. I don't buy this. I don't think you're actually eating a cow. Like, it was a cow, but it's fucking not a cow now. It won't be a cow tomorrow. It won't... It'll be something else tomorrow. I wouldn't eat a cow. I wouldn't have the nerve.

to go up to a cow and just start eating it. I wouldn't do that. Nobody would. I wouldn't even do it to a chicken. But once it's like, what's on the plate is not the thing that was in the field. But I still don't. I would eat a chicken if it was somehow in the shape of a baby.

I bet they could do that. I fucking bet they could do that. Genetically, it would still taste like chicken, but it would just be to see the other people in the restaurant going, what the fuck is he eating? You imagine that would be quite easily done, because it's like a plump roast chicken line on its back, would not need that much work. To look like a baby.

So, let's just park that for the moment. Don't make that weird for any of your questions. Sorry, I've got nothing to add to that.

But I would be a big fan of roast potatoes. So I love roast potatoes. And like I said, a very simple taste when it comes to food. So roast potatoes, it doesn't matter how badly they're roasted, overdone, overdone, rightly done. It almost even doesn't matter what's on them. Rosemary or salt. I was going to say, more Sandra, trussa.

I like to pull potatoes out of the lid. Who's this guy? Yeah. I like this. Puts him back in the genie bottle. I like him. Who is he? He's fucking mad, he is. What was I talking about? Rosemary Rose potatoes, yeah. So it doesn't matter. Goodbye to that guy.

It doesn't matter what's on the potatoes, as long as they're roasted, and I love them. I'd almost eat them all the time as everything, like, up in the morning, and just, you know, have two. And then maybe just fucking skip lunch altogether, and then in the evening have about seven.

I won't go into bed. I fucking love rose potatoes. And I'd like when parsnips are roasted, a little slivery kind of with that. Do you know when they're almost over roasted? And they've this almost like this mmm, a tail, a little wisp of something defiantly burnt but still parsnippy.

Carrots, I do roast carrots. Sometimes they put a honey thing. I fucking discovered this popcorn recently that has blown my mind. Kills. Have you heard of kills? You have to eat these before you go back to... Kills, kills. Kills. Well, this episode is going to be released, audio.

I can't wait for all the tweets at Ben being like, you've done a mad job editing this, because you've clearly missed out a bit. He was talking about all the votes both of you likes, and then you just hard cut and then you talk about popcorn.

I don't think we're going to have to go on there. No, no, no, that's fine. We went there. It's the popcorn immediately. No, there is a link. And the link is that kills this new popcorn now. I only discovered it like two or three weeks ago. It's honey and sea salt. Fucking popcorn. Like these people have nothing better to be doing than just taking the shit to put on popcorn. It is delicious. So I would, the carrots would have

I kind of, you're the kind of honey glaze on them sometimes. I kind of like burnt food. I like, you know, food that's just fucking, it's like annoyed at you. That's what burnt food is, isn't it? Burnt food is kind of like, fuck you.

Isn't it? When you're having rashers, a good bit of the rasher can be all right, and then towards the end, it's going, oh, fuck you. So I like my main course would be mainly veg, but if possible, chicken in the shape of a baby. Whoa, thank you, Tommy. So many complaints.

My baby. That's the most I laughed at. Oh, we should go to a bad time. I've never eaten the fucking baby. Here we go. This is my favourite category so far. But overall, the live tour was about having a laugh. What's he writing that down for? He didn't have a laugh the whole tour.

He had a little smile when we're in the smile, whatever, whatever things were going wrong, see it had a little smile on his face. Overall, the live talk was about having a laugh. Matthew Baines and Jessica Knappett, Mike Wozniak, Ian Sterling, Matthew Baines and Jessica Knappett again, Mike Wozniak and Ellis James.

Do you want to hear about the ketchup ever? I really do. Tell me, tell me all. I do. I had heard somewhere that it's like the test of a really good pasta chef is ketchup epepe. And I had no idea why, and I had never had it up to a point where I was in Los Angeles, and it was the first time I'd been there, and I had like a quite sort of dispiriting week of meetings with people that were aimless and didn't lead to anything.

And it was like the last day of this and I came out of this meeting really, really, really early and I had a car booked for like two hours later to take me to the airport and I was like, oh fuck I've got nothing to do. And you can't walk anywhere in LA or you can try but it will just be you and homeless people. Everyone else is driving.

But there was a restaurant, like, on the block. So I thought, oh fuck it, I'll go in there. And Cacho Pepe was on the menu. And I thought, oh, I've heard that sort of, you find out if the chef's really good. And it was just amazing. And after that, it became a sort of thing of, like, anywhere where it was on the menu, I wanted it. Did the chef know that you're testing them every time you order it?

I mean, that's the case in any thing you order in a place. I suppose so. The general idea is I want to like it. I guess I don't see my relationship with hospitality like that, that the chef better be on his fucking toes. It's a good day, chef.

I kind of liked the story of it. That's meant to be the one that you can nail. If you can nail that, you can nail anything. Apparently it's all about the amount of the lique, the salty water that you've made the pasta in. You've got to reserve a bit of that broth. It's got to be just the right amount and just the right temperature when you add the cheese. It can't be too hot.

You can't be too much, you'll go watery too much, you know, not enough and it's just going to be kind of thick and gloopy. You've got to get it just right and it's amazing if you do. Every time you've had a catch up at your best run, do you walk into the kitchen afterwards and go, you pass the test. You are the chef.

I think on that occasion, the first one I'd had, I did actually say, can you tell the chef that was incredible? That's good. I don't think I've ever done that, you know. Compliments to the chef. Now who's the asshole in the restaurant? They know. The thing is, when you guys go to a restaurant now, they must be thinking that. You must be treated like food critics now. Is that true for you, James? Yes.

Every time I got a set, especially if it's a dessert. Yeah. The place we went to today, the person came out. The chef had said, I listened to it off menu. Thank you. You went to Tim and Missou? Actually, you said you went to Tim and Missou. And my dad went to please.

That's just reminded me of a time I was at a cafe with Ben Wilbond, who's the mother of the ghosts gang. Did he even go? He'd have to ask him. And we ordered some food and the waitress, when she came over, put the plates in front of us and went a couple of tarts.

And it was that on the edge that to this day it still comes up. Do you think she meant... Yeah. There was just momentary eye contact. Yeah. A couple of tarts. She must just push it further and further every day, I think. I think she's trying to get... To clarify, we had ordered tarts. Yes. That's an important... That's what she should have said that. We had ordered tarts. She didn't put and catch your pep anger. A couple of tarts. It's just a couple of tarts.

a couple of fucking slacks. Did she mean to do that? We have a similar thing in my family that we still talk about because years ago we went to, we used to live in Bamburi and we went back there as a family just to like, you know, old stomping around. Went to this tea room

ordered a round of Bambi cakes, what Bambi is famous for. There is one lady working there, like the oldest lady you have ever seen. And she bought out all the Bambi cakes more on a circular table. And then my brother was the fire end. So she went, here is your Bambi cake and then farted so loud.

And then then like claimed it as well. So she went, here's your bamboo cake. Pardon me. Is that now what you say when you. Yeah. Here's your bamboo cake. It's still a thing in my household. Do you say it before you fart? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Because also she was looking dead at him. Yeah. Here's your bamboo cake. What a fart. It was so disrespectful. My mum was like crying with laughter. She hadn't even left the table yet because she was a slow old lady. Yeah. So she's still like dotted around to leave and my mum's screaming. I'm going to spend the rest of this conversation fixated on trying to fart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You won't be the first guest. There's no, and there's no doubting what happened there. Like, it's not like the couple of tarts. No, that lady farted. She said, excuse me. And then she left the tent. Yeah, yeah. There's no, there's no going. Did she? Yeah. She just fell off. Did she? No, but the analogy would be if she meant to say, here's your band-brick ache. And then that's like, if she meant to call it that.

But this will be funny. To say here's your boundary cake and farts. And I'm guessing she didn't. Guessing that she didn't. We all just thought it was very funny. Apart from my dad, my dad was very straight faced and looking at us like, there's nothing funny about this. Yeah. Because your dad can't focus on anything if someone puts a fucking pudding down in front of you. Yeah. The cakes are here. It's a no-lop in matter. Yeah. Right.

Every time there's a pause, it's the perfect. You could just do a big fart now. I haven't got one. Give it time, man. Feel free.

Actually, if you want to know, we've sort of hacked the hell of family cooking, which is that we have pretty much the same meal on the same day every week. Yes, I'd say you've created a new hell. OK, so tell me honestly if this sounds like hell. And I don't mind if the answer is yes. Macaroni Monday. OK, so you just said it like you hate it.

That was actually Smug Jess. Oh, sorry. Is this Fat Macaroni Monday or just normal Macaroni? You can have... No, it's Little Macaroni. Mac and Cheese? Yeah, Mac and Cheese. It's a Macaroni Monday. Are they all going to be alliterative? We tried. Tacko Cheese Day. Yeah, obviously. Love Tacko Cheese Day. That's great. Yeah. What do you think Wednesday is? Oh, Walnut Whips.

That's what you'd have in your house. Yeah, what up with Wednesday? It was a literature of what can we do? Wednesday, Dale, Wednesday? No, no. It sounds like... Does anyone want to have a guess? Wings! Wings! Wings! Wings are great! We can't have a... Wings is a great show! Has he not thought about wings? No! Someone suggeste